How to Change Your Life | Ep 939

You're not getting what you want out of your business or your life because you want too many things at the same time. You're not willing to make trade-offs, and I will prove it to you. And so in this video, I'll break down the core problem and the way to frame the trades that you make at different seasons in your life. Everything in life has trade-offs, and people just need to determine the price versus the value. Like anything, there's going to be both of these things. And so when people say, I can't believe he did this, it's because they're only looking at the cost and not the payout. Now, if you say, hey, that guy made this trade, I wouldn't have made that trade, awesome. And that's why you don't have to make that trade, right? And so let me give you kind of like a frame of mind for this. I was thinking about this because we were, Layla and I were looking at home stuff lately, and we're thinking about, you know, buying homes and all that kind of jazz. And one of the things that was such a striking example is that you cannot have it all. There are many examples in life where it is— this is not a— I'm sure you've seen it, like, you can have it all. You can't. Let me give you the example. If I say I want to have a house that's in a ski town, but I also want it to be near the beach, and I also want it to be secluded, but I also want to have town and shopping in walking distance, and I also want it to be cozy and not too busy, but I also want it to have lots of space for activities and a yard. I can't have all those things. They are literally structurally impossible for them to all be in the same thing. One, the beach and the, and the snow mountain, probably not going to exist in the same house. If I want to have something cozy versus lots of, uh, land and space, probably not going to happen. If I want something to be in walking distance but also have a great aerial view, Might not happen, right? And so each of these things— that could happen in a high-rise downtown. Okay, that one maybe. All right. But, but there's going to be some of these that you have to make trades. And I think basically, like, confronting that is like the core element of what you have to do in life to move forward. And so many people stay in decision limbo. They stay in purgatory. And purgatory translated into reality is that they don't achieve what they want. They don't get what they want out of life because they never make a trade to begin with. Right. And so I'll give you a couple more common ones like, should I get married versus should I not get married? This not should I, it's just, am I willing to make the trade? Right. Should I have kids versus not having kids? Should I sacrifice my 20s versus sacrificing your 30s? There are always trade-offs. Like if you sacrifice your 20s, you will miss out on some of the kind of youthful fun experiences that some people have. Like, that's a trade. That's real. You will give up on some of that stuff. The question is, what are you trading it for? Now, the worst trades of all are the trades that we don't consciously make but still trade anyways, right? Like, you didn't get the fun experience of your 20s, but you also didn't build the nest egg. You didn't build the reps. You didn't build the experience so that you could set yourself up in your 30s, right? And so a lot of, like, your 30s is a reflection of how you lived your 20s, just kind of taken forward. Now, some people I meet love their 20s. They backpacked across Europe, they had all these different experiences, they got culturally enriched, and I love that for them. That wasn't the trade that I wanted to make, and so it would be ridiculous for me to say like, I, I want that and I want to develop this very deep well of skill set that I can use for the rest of my life. Now, those people for sure build skills. Are those skills as marketable? Maybe, maybe not, I don't know. Some people are like, well, I could travel and learn. Maybe, I don't know. I mean, I haven't, like, Zuck didn't do that, Bill Gates didn't do that, Elon didn't do that. So again, it's, there's also to what degree, right? How big do you wanna go? And so I think like, you can't expect a 1% outcome without having a 1% trade-off, right? And I'll give you a different kind of, like I give you a house example, let me go really, really small. You walk into a store, there's a pair of shoes you like, okay? A pair of shoes you like. You look at the price tag, it says $500. At that point, you make the decision, is it worth the trade? That's all it is, right? And then if you see somebody else make the trade, this is how dumb the internet is. They will then say like, that guy's an idiot, that guy's a moron. But the thing is, is that if that guy's a billionaire, who cares what he traded? Like, for him it made sense. And if you're on food stamps and minimum wage, $500 shoes probably doesn't make sense for you. Probably not worth the trade. And so is the trade inherently good or bad? No, it's, it's dependent on the person and their context. All right. All of these are examples of trade-offs, right? And so the question is, what are the trades and are they worth it? The reason people struggle so much with making trades is because they know what they stand to lose, but not what they stand to gain. So the cost is guaranteed and fixed, but the upside is not, which is why it's so hard for so many people to make bets, especially on themselves. And so if you had a single belief that I could transfer to you, it's that you will figure it out if shit hits the fan. And when shit hits the fan, if it does, and it will, the reality is it's not going to be as bad as you think it is. And so you have this fixed cost that you believe that will happen but isn't actually real because it's a fear inside of your mind. You think if this bet doesn't work, I will go homeless, lose all my friends, and die. But that's not reality. The worst-case scenario for most people who are social, as in like just are functioning members of society, is that you crash on someone's couch for a while. That's the actual worst-case scenario. And I only say this because, um, if you look at homelessness, right, the vast majority of homeless— not all— the vast majority of homelessness, uh, is due to addiction and mental health issues. So my point is, most people have this fear. Now, even the people who are— I'll say, I'll be politically correct— the unhoused, right? The unhoused. Even the unhoused— uh, it's hard to say, it's so funny. Anyways, um, even those folks still have food, still keep living, still have access to medical attention, okay? At least in the US, in the developed world, okay? And so I say this because the worst-case scenario is that you have no boss, you have food, right? You have medical attention if you need it, and you walk on the streets doing whatever the hell you want. That's the worst-case scenario. Some people might say that's better than their current scenario. And so when I, when I think about this, I, I think, I think about this in honor of Matt. I'll say that, to be honest with you, which is that like your level of subjective well-being doesn't change a dramatic amount throughout your life. A lot of it is inherited. Right? Like your, your demeanor, your disposition. And I'll give you a simple example that makes people uncomfortable. So think about how, how were dogs created, right? So there were wolves, right? And then there were some wolves that were a little nicer than the other wolves, and they were like, let's breed the nice wolves. And then nicer wolves breeding nicer wolves breeding nicer wolves, eventually you get a Labradoodle, okay? Take it enough times. And so people don't like to think about humans in that same way, but like fundamentally If you've got assholes breeding assholes, they tend to make more assholes. And if you've got nice guys and nice gals, they tend to make more nice people. Of course, there's genetic variety that happens there, but over time that does happen. And so that also happens with happy people and unhappy people, believe it or not. And so a lot of that, like, of course you operate within your genetic potential. Of course, like, you can move things. Like, you can have genetics for muscle and never work out, and you're not gonna have the same level of muscle. Right, period. And so you might have genetics for more happiness or genetics for less happiness, sure, and you want to maximize those things. But I only bring this up to say we have this idea that we're going to— like, I'll do this thing and then I will be happy, I will do this thing and then all my problems will be solved. But our brains are only meant and evolved to keep us alive, and most of that is about finding problems and potential threats within our environment. Which tend to keep us stressed out and unhappy. And that core unhappiness, that core anxiety tends to move humans forward because we continue to innovate, we continue to try to solve problems because we all think that when we solve that problem, we're going to be happier and we're not. But we do move civilization forward. And so I bring all of this up to say that the downside of your bets are not as bad as you think they are. And the upside of you making it all work is also not as good as you think it is. And so it's really what do we want to do with our time? And so the people who are rewarded most in life are the ones who are willing to simply embrace uncertainty. It's just embracing the idea that you do not know what will happen. And so big picture, zooming back out, if we were to quantify the trades that we're willing to make, right, in terms of, I know I'm going to lose these years, but I will probably look back on this time and not be upset by it because of what I got in return. And a lot of this comes down to the framing of life happening for you, not to you. And I think that you can live a life without regret as long as you always believe that you had to go through that to get to where you are now. Period. So as much as you say, like, and believe me, I can go back and say, if I had known this at this time, my God, I'd be so much further. But how could I have known that at that time? I had to go through this to know this, right? And played out the other way, let's say that I did know it at that time and then I, I was better off now. Now what? I'm just better off and I'm still going to be probably about as dissatisfied and satisfied as I am right now. And so some of you guys are sitting on the edge in decision purgatory. You're trading the time you have, you're trading the years of life, but you're not getting anything for it. And so the only thing that I would encourage you to do is be number one, conscious of what you're trading, and number two, be conscious of what you're trading it for. And as much as the people around you will decry or speak down or speak against you for making trades The question is, do you want their life? Because I have yet to receive criticism from somebody who is ahead of me on— in any domain. I have not had people who are bigger than me say that I sucked at fitness and that I shouldn't work out. I haven't had people who are richer than me say that I shouldn't work as hard as I do. I haven't had people who were married longer than me tell me that I'm doing something wrong with my marriage. The only people who have shit to say are the people who have time to say it because they're on the sidelines doing shit as in jack shit. And so I only say this because like, I really struggled for a long time to get over what other people thought. It was very hard for me. And then I think like at some level like at some point you just have to prove to yourself that you will survive, that you will not die. And I'll tell you a very weird version of this story, but I think it could wrap us up, which is this. So believe it or not, um, when I was in— up until 8th grade, I was a germaphobe. And, uh, that seems probably maybe weird for you to see now. I mean, mind you, it was a long time ago. 8th grade was a while ago for me. Um, but before that point, I like, like, I would hold my breath if someone was walking in front of me because I didn't want to breathe in their germs. If someone hit a doorknob that I saw, I would like, you know, use my arm and work my way around and do all sorts of crazy, you know, canoodling. I would do all sorts of craziness. You're like, where is this going? I promise there's a point. And it got to the point where it started to become a little bit debilitating. It started to get in the way of like how I live my life. And so we had to go on this trip back in the day called Expedition 8. So you did it in 8th grade. It was like you went camping. It was like a field trip. And so we had to go 5 days in the middle of the woods with like our grade. And so we went out camping and I committed that it was going to be impossible for me to like be a germaphobe in the forest. I was like, this is like, this is not going to work. I'm not going to eat, right? And so I basically was like, I'm just going to not wash my hands and I'm just going to eat everything that's there and just, just not worry about any cleanliness. And if I die, I die. And so the craziest thing happened. I did the 5 days. I had dirt on my hands while I was eating the food. I didn't wash my hands once. And then at the end of the trip, I was still alive. And then I waited another week to see if all of the maladies that were probably inside of me were going to come to fruition, and none of them did. And then at that point, I was like, So all of the energy that I've been putting into all of this concern around germs amounted to nothing. That was a huge— it was actually a very big moment for me. And I, I have maintained that viewpoint, um, you know, for the rest of my life. Like, I just don't sweat about that stuff. And so other people's opinions are a lot like those germs. You think the whole time, like, you know, what if they— like, you're holding your breath. What if they say this? What if this happens? It's like Well, what if, and let's play it out. And then you realize that not only did you not die, no one cared to begin with, and no one's even thinking about you. And so like, and as somebody who has had a fair amount of like different people try to take shots at me, nothing's changed in my life. Nothing. People make hit videos, people take stuff out of that I said out of context. That's okay. It's the internet. If I expect to be completely understood, that is a silly goal to have. And I'll give you another story that really drove this home for me. So I was on TikTok, I think, this is a while ago, and I saw this really old white dude, just normal generic white dude, just giving like financial advice, talk about the economy or whatever. And he was getting roasted in the comments, like, you know, grifter, like old man go home, like all sorts of craziness, just telling him like he was a fake guru or whatever. The guy was Ray Dalio. He's worth $30 billion and he's like 79 and he's just trying to like help people. He's like on TikTok trying to like help the younger generation. And when I saw that, I realized that you cannot save— like, you will never be legitimate to the ignorant and to— and, and that To be hated by a bad person is a good thing. Think about that. Many of us want to avoid being hated in general, and I understand why. It makes sense. No one wants to get hated when they're— when you're growing up, etc. But think about the worst person in the world, right? Wouldn't you want them to hate you? Right? Like we should judge, we should judge our character by the quality of our enemies. And so if somebody who's completely ignorant, who has no context, wants to speak ill of you or your goals or way of life, take it as a compliment. Or at the very least, just feel bad for the fact that they don't know any better. But in no way should we put weight on what they say in the, the scales of how you decide how to live. And so anyways, I just say this because like I had— I've had too many voices that were too loud for too long in my life that prevented me from doing the things that I wanted to do. And so I share that little story about Expedition 8 and the dirt under the fingernails, if you will, um, that those germs, you think that they're going to kill you and then nothing happens. They're just germs. The biggest gains come from the unknown. So that unknown upside. And so functionally, like, you could only go to zero, right? And if we really play it out, the likelihood of you going to zero as a regular person is almost zero, right? But Bezos said this best, which is, uh, humans underestimate the upside and overestimate the downside is one of the fundamental psychological biases that humans suffer from. And it's because there's no real benefit for humans besides avoiding death. And so it makes sense that we'd have cognitive biases that disproportionately represent downside. Because if you didn't do that, your genes would not have proliferated and come down generations, right? The guy who thought, hey, maybe there's some upside if I eat the berries, it's like, well then they die, right? And then that's the end of that guy, right? And the end of his line. And so all the optimists are dead. Right. All those genes ended. And so all that's left is the pessimists that continued to believe that the worst was happening and the world and the sky was falling. But it's like the world has changed. Our genetics haven't. And so it's like we have to make these conscious decisions to realizing that all of the upside is in the uncertainty and the fact that you weren't certain. So is everyone else. But that is where the arbitrage lies. The arbitrage lies in the uncertain and the delayed. I'm going to say this again. All the upside that you want in your life is on the other side of uncertainty and delay. Everything. And it's because those are the two things that people are unwilling to, to bear the price of. They will not pay that price because it feels like too much, because they don't know how much they have to pay and they don't know how long they have to pay it for. But I'm telling you that it is, it is faster than you think it is and it is not as scary but you have to take the first step. And this again applies, it scales all the way up, right? Like we're taking some huge bets at acquisition.com and there's a lot of stuff that I don't know how we're gonna do it yet, but I believe that we have the ability to figure it out because if somebody else can figure it out, so can you. It's not like they're made of different tissue than you. It's not like they spend different money than you do. Every, like these things are solvable. And at the very least, there's somebody who knows how to solve it and you can figure out how to do something for that person so they can help you. Whether that's money, whether it's a favor, whether that's relational capital, whatever you have to do. And so like, if I wanna transfer this to the greatest degree possible, because I had so much fear, I was like, what if I don't figure it out? You keep trying. If you don't figure it out, of course, like you just, you didn't figure it out that time. You'll just figure it out the next time, right? Like unless you die, right? And this is a Jocko Willink quote, which I'm so angry that it's his quote 'cause I love it so much. But basically, All failure besides death is psychological. Did you die? No. Did you figure it out? No. Guess what? You're not dead. Try again. And I just wish I could pass it on because like, that's the worst case and everyone's so afraid. What if it doesn't work? Okay. What if it does? Because if it doesn't work, it'll change nothing. But if it does work, it'll change everything.