3 Questions That Determine Who You Really Are

Hey, it's your friend Mel. And welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Okay, so the other day I was on YouTube and I was watching an episode of one of my personal favorite podcasts on YouTube, which is Club Shay Shay. And he had Terry Crews on. I frickin love Terry Crews. I would tell you all about his resume right now, but it is so long. We'll get to that in just a second. But there was this moment in the interview. Oh my gosh. Terry Crews was telling this story about a question that he asked himself at one of the lowest moments of his life when he was a janitor sweeping a floor. And this question changed his life. And then I found another video of one of my favorite human beings of all time, Viola Davis, talking about a question that you need to ask yourself every day of your life. And so that's what you and I are going to dig into today. Three questions that you need to ask yourself that determine who you are, what you're made of, and what actually matters to you. 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If it's been a while since calling someone who matters, now's the time. Because it's more than just a conversation. It's a chance to say something they'll remember forever. So spread a little love with a call this season. Happy holidays from AT&T. Connecting changes everything. Hey, it's your friend, Mel. I'm so excited for our conversation today because I have three questions that I am gonna share with you. I discovered them one afternoon and I was going down a Rabbit hole on YouTube watching one of my favorite podcasts, which is Club Shay Shay. We're gonna get into that in just a minute. But first, I wanna tell you I love spending time with you. Thank you for tuning in today. If you're brand new to the Mel Robbins podcast, I wanna personally welcome you to the family. You've tuned in to an amazing, amazing episode. And thank you for taking the time to listen to something that could truly help you. You create a better life. And today I'm going to share three questions that I learned about from other people. People who have accomplished extraordinary things in their lives, in their work. And we are going to use these questions as a way for you to tap into and unearth your power and your potential and your greatest self. And these are questions that determine who you really are. Don't you want to know what these questions are? Of course you do. And that brings me to the very first question that you're going to ask yourself that determines who you really are. And this I got to give all the credit to none other than Terry Crews. Just in case you have no idea who this man is. He is a world famous actor, TV host, sitcom star, comedian, artist, bestselling author, children's book illustrator. And if that's not enough, he has been named People's Sexiest man of the Year three times in a row. And his career in acting spans for decades. Like this man is unstoppable. And so here he is being interviewed on Club Shay Shay by none other than Shannon Sharp, who's an ESPN commentator and one of the most popular podcast hosts on the planet. I'm gonna link to that interview in the show notes. You go watch the entire two hours, then you go subscribe to that YouTube channel. He is the best. I just love his interviews. And so I'm leaning in. I'm watching this interview that doing with Terry Crews. And so Terry Crews kind of starts the interview with the background. And like me, Terry is from Michigan. I'm from the western side of the state, Muskegon. Terry grew up in Flint, Michigan. And he talks about how even when he was a kid, he just had this huge passion for art. And art, believe it or not, I don't know if you know this. Art is what earned him a scholarship to Western Michigan University. And when he got there, he walked onto the football team. Now, Terry admits in this interview, and he's admitted this in past interviews that I've watched with him, that he never really liked football. Football was just a way out of Flint, Michigan. And he admits, and I love this about him, he admits that even when he was in football, he didn't really apply himself as much as he knew deep in his heart that he could. And you're going to hear him talk about this in just a minute that he says to Shannon, like, you were a superstar in the NFL. I didn't really like it. In fact, I didn't fully dedicate myself to the NFL. And I can admit that to myself. And so they kind of talk a little bit about the background there. And then you learn that in 1996, after a brief stint with the Philadelphia Eagles, he retires from football. And that's when he takes this bold risk and he moves his family out to Los Angeles. And so it's now 1997 and Terry Crews has moved to Los Angeles because he is going to pursue his first love, which is art. Believe it or not, he was an illustrator. That's what he did. Like, he moved out there to LA because he wanted to get into animation. So they're starting from scratch. They have a young family. His wife is starting to get nervous because they literally are broke. And she says to him, dude, what are we going to do if this doesn't work? Are we going to go back to Flint? And I want you to hear what Terry's response is.

I said, we are never leaving. I don't care if it happens when we 99 years old, we are never leaving LA. I promise you this. I said, if we just continue to do this, because this is where I had kind of learned the mistakes I had made in football, and I didn't have another chance on football.

Part of his resolve came from the fact that he could be honest with himself, that he didn't throw himself completely into his NFL career. And he reflects upon this in the interview. And I just think this is a level of self awareness and honesty that you don't hear from people very often.

You tell yourself you've been doing what you should be doing, but deep down you. But then you eat the cake and you hang out and you do that and you stay up too late and you don't go to bed and you totally mess your stuff up. You show up late for the job interview and then be like, they didn't want me. They hated me. No, no, you showed up late, bro. And I totally had to be honest with myself, man. Start marking off things that I wasn't doing.

I just love that I totally had to be honest with myself. And as he was sitting there going through that laundry list, weren't you reflecting on your own life? I was certainly reflecting on my life, the opportunities I squandered, the periods of my life where I did not put myself into it. College did not put myself into it. Law school did not put myself into it. Job after job after job did not throw myself into it. And then I would have the audacity to blame it on something else. When you know deep down that you didn't give it your all, you didn't show up as your best. And so I want to make sure that you're thinking about that for yourself. Those moments in your life where you know you didn't show up in a way and tap into your true potential. And you did that because that's now the fuel that Terry Crews is using to keep himself going. Because success isn't just handed to you. You know, I often say to our daughters, who's actually out in Los Angeles pursuing a career in the music industry, it's not about how good you are on stage. It's about how long you are willing to be your best and to continue to show up and not quit. That's the game. Like you think the game is singing. That is not what the game is. The game is showing up and showing up and tapping into your potential and refusing to quit. And to make the stakes even higher, Terry's not just starting from scratch. Like he's just come from the NFL where he's almost made it. Like he knows how close he was to having all of the things that everybody's chasing. And so he's in this moment of the story where his job, believe it or not, is working as a janitor sweeping floors. And he's telling his wife, we're not going back to Flint. I don't care if we are here till we are 99 years old and I never make it. We are not leaving la. I am not giving up. I am pouring myself into this. And so he's setting the scene that he is gonna do what it takes to make this work in LA as a janitor. He's gonna figure this out. And so hear him tell you this moment.

Imagine what if I'm sweeping this floor, man, you gotta understand, I'm almost in tears while I'm sweeping this floor. Cause I'm going, dude, my life may never, ever to where I. Because once you're in the NFL, you at least see it. You see the money, you see the stuff, you're like, man, I'm there, I can touch it. And then the nice cars and the jewelry. You see the cars pulling out the lot, you see the jewelry, you see the people living the life and the press. And then all of a sudden. But it's gone and it's gone.

And now you are back at square one. You are starting from scratch. You have a broom in your hand and you have a floor to sweep. And that brings me to the very first question that determines who you really are. A question that Terry Crews asked himself over and over and over again while he had that broom in his hand and was committed to doing whatever it took to pursue his dreams.

And I said, man, look, okay, imagine if someone was going to give me a million dollars to sweep this floor. How would you sweep it? And these are the little bitty mindsets that. And I remember, I was like, okay, okay, I have to imagine I'm going to get a million dollars if I sweep this floor, correct? Because that was. I had to play these kind of games with my head in order to get over the depression. And I remember sweeping and sweeping and sweeping, and all of a sudden I forgot about my problems.

I want to make sure you heard that question. Imagine if someone was going to give me a million dollars to sweep this floor. How would you sweep it? That's the question that right there. And he called it a little game that he was playing to get through the depression. This is not a game. This is the way you play life to win. This is a question that you ask yourself to discover who you really are and what you're made of. Just ask yourself that. Like, think about your current job or the school that you're in or anything that you're pursuing in life right now. Imagine if somebody were going to give you a million dollars to study for that class. I would get an A plus. I can tell you that right now. I don't care if it was engineering quantum physics, I would get an A. Imagine if somebody were going to give you a million dollars to sweep a floor, to unload a dishwasher, to work on your resume. I guarantee you they were going to pay you a million dollars. You would dig deep and you would show up differently. And you know what that question reveals? It reveals that there is hidden potential inside of you. It reveals a capacity that you haven't tapped into. It reveals a will and a desire and a motivation that is there that you can use if you can ramp up how you show up. If you can give it your all, if you imagine that someone's going to give you a million dollars, it means you can do it at any time. And that's what that question reveals. It reveals who you really are. And I think that this is so exciting. It's exciting to know that you're capable of more. It's exciting to know that there are periods of your life where. Yeah, like, you're gonna coast. Nobody's paying me to do this. I don't really care. It doesn't really matter. And then there are times where you gotta dig deep and you gotta keep going. And you gotta ask yourself this question that Terry Crews did. Because he didn't just ask himself that as he's sweeping that floor, struggling through depression, starting over from scratch in la. He asked it in every single menial job that he had, from filing papers over at the Veterans Administration to doing security for movie sets. Here he is talking about how he used that question as he is standing on the lot, working as a security guard on a movie set, to tap into his own excellence and his own potential and a better mindset. Check this out.

But what I said is, what if someone gave me a million dollars to watch this parking lot? I gotta make sure I had my batteries and my flashlight. I ironed my clothes. It was a mindset that I said, I'm going to reverse that bad attitude I had in the league that didn't get me where I wanted. I said, now every job, I have to treat like that. And what's so crazy is that I started to do everything like that, right? Like every little. It created a habit in me that kept me going and all. So it didn't really matter what people said. I felt like I was getting this imaginary reward if I just did a great job.

There is so much to unpack here. There is so much wisdom in this question. He's literally reverse engineering excellence and reverse engineering motivation and reverse engineering how you raise your own standards with one question. Imagine if somebody were paying you a million dollars to do this. How would you do this if you were getting paid a million dollars? And any change in the way that you would do something reveals that you have more potential than you're using. It reveals that you have the ability to push through something. And he used this to force himself to keep going. And a little bit later in the interview, there's this really interesting moment where they dug into depression and how real it is, particularly after and starting over. And he had this realization where he was saying that he hadn't worked out in a year. And so he spent $25 to go to a gym and work out a month. And he had never spent money to go to a gym before. So Here he spent $25 a month to go to a gym, and he said he was so depressed. Check this out. That he would just sit on the machine and read a magazine. It didn't even work out, but he made himself a promise that he would keep coming back 20 days, 21 days. And that habit he's talking about, a habit, something you repeat that then becomes who you are, turned into 30 years of consistently working out. And as he's reflecting both on this question that he asked over and over and over, imagine if somebody were paying me a million dollars, how would I do this thing if I were getting paid a million dollars? Which, what creates a habit of excellence, a habit of raising your own standards, a habit of putting your all into something. And here's what he learned about these tiny small changes.

What I have to say is these things are what I call incremental. It's. It's not one big giant thing. For me, it was always one little message, one little thing. And you know, also when I moved out here, I started trying to get my thing on animation, because I was like, I'm an artist so I could show you my portfolio. And I had my portfolio in at Disney, at Dreamworks, at Hanna Barbera, all this stuff. But then at the same time, hand drawn animation went out the window. Cause Toy Story came out, right? So all of a sudden they were giving me my Portfol that don't work. And then I got a chance to act and the rest is history. I did not know that that was my destiny.

I just love his story. First of all, I had no idea before this interview on Club Shay Shay that his real dream was to get into animation. I knew he had moved to LA after he had retired from the NFL. I had no idea it was so that he could be an illustrator and work for a company like Pixar. How freaking cool. But the point here is simple, that these tiny changes, whether it's going to the gym every day and just showing up and sitting on the machine and reading a magazine, one of these days after day 22, you're getting tired of that and you'll actually use the machine. But if you just keep showing up, the habit of showing up builds. And if you just keep asking yourself that first question, how would I do this if someone were paying me a million dollars to do this? That makes it a habit for you to tap into your greatest potential and give it your all, no matter how you feel. And the reason why that matters is because how you do anything is how you do everything. How you sweep a floor is how you show up at an interview, how you file paperwork at the VA's office is how you pick yourself up after the first studio says, no, sorry, we don't need animation. And the man just kept going. Why? Because he had used these simple tools to tap into a greater potential within himself. And it's in the showing up that will ultimately open up the door that you've always wanted to walk through. And oftentimes this is certainly what I have found in my life. You're gunning for one thing and in Terry Crews life it was animation, Pixar. I'm going to be an illustrator. We're going to use the artistry thing. And as you are putting it all into being excellent at that, some door you didn't even realize was the one that was meant for you pops open and boom. You find your way. You discover who you really are and what you're capable of. You discover it over and over and over again. I just love this. Don't you love this? You know what else I love? Our sponsors. 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When you go with Amica, you're getting coverage from a mutual insurer that's built for their customers. So they'll help look after what's important to you together, auto, home life and more. Amica has you covered. At Amica, they'll help protect what matters most to you. Visit amica.com and get a quote today. Welcome back. It's your friend, Mel. And today you and I are covering the three questions that determine who you really are. So let's jump back into it. There are going to be times where life is going to present you with a crossroads. And you are going to have a big decision to make. And you're going to wonder, what is that decision? Do I stay in this job? Do I quit this job? Do I stay where I am? Do I move? Is this the relationship? Is it not? These are really big personal questions. How do you answer them? How do you discover who you truly are? Especially when what you do is going to impact other people, Whether it's the person that you love or the kids that you're responsible for or the bills that you have to pay. Well, for the second question, I don't know what it is about the algorithm on YouTube, but the second I was done mainlining this interview with Terry Crews, all of a sudden there is this interview from Jeff Bezos. And I had never seen this thing. So this interview that I'm about to play for you, this little clip is from 2001. So I want to set the table a little bit because Jeff Bezos, as you know, founder of Amazon, and the background on his story is that in 1994, he wants to jump into the Internet game. And so in this interview and the interview that you're about to hear a clip from is an interview that he gave in 2001, and it was for a nonprofit called the Academy of Achievement. And he was talking about lessons that he had learned in courage. And so he's setting the table about a conversation that he's going to have with his boss in 1994 where he's going to explain to his boss that he's planning on quitting this big job to start a virtual bookstore. Let's take a listen.

I went to my boss and said to him, I'm going to go do this crazy thing and I'm going to start this company selling books online. And the conclusion of that was he said, this actually sounds like a really good idea to me, but it sounds like it would be a better idea for somebody who didn't already have a good job. And he convinced me to think about it for 48 hours before making a final decision. And so I went away and was trying to find the right framework in which to make that kind of big decision.

And that brings us to the second question that determines who you truly are. And I'm going to add a little bit to it. And it also helps you determine what you truly want, because sometimes it's not so obvious. And so he goes away for 48 hours and he's in search of this framework, this framework that's going to help him make this huge, life changing decision. And in the interview, he explains, and these are his words, not mine, only a nerd would call it this. But he starts calling this framework, which is basically a question, the regret minimization framework. And the basic premise of it is to make decisions in a way to minimize the number of regrets that you're going to have when you're 80 years old. And so let's go back to this interview where Jeff is explaining what the regret minimization framework is. And the question he Asked himself.

So I wanted to project myself Forward to age 80 and say, okay, now I'm looking back on my life. I want to have minimized the number of regrets I have. And you know, I knew that when I was 80, I was not going to regret having tried this. I was not going to regret having wanted, you know, trying to participate in this thing called the Internet that I thought was going to be a really big deal. I knew that if I failed, I wouldn't regret that. But I knew the one thing I might regret is not ever having tried. And I knew that that would haunt me every day. And so when I thought about it that way, it was an incredibly easy decision.

What I love about this is that he's using this commitment to minimize regrets as a way to ask himself a question. And the question is, basically, project yourself out to the age of 80 and ask, what will I think at that time? And he then explains the benefit of going out into the distance and asking yourself, what will I think about taking this risk, whether I fail, whether I succeed at the time when I'm 80.

It gets you away from some of the daily pieces of confusion. You know, I left this Wall street firm in the middle of the year. When you do that, you walk away from your annual bonus. And that's the kind of thing that in the short term can confuse you. But if you think about the long term, then you can really make good life decisions that you won't regret later.

I love this because to put this in context, if you don't work on Wall street, the thing to know about that bonus that he was walking away from is for most people, that is the majority compensation for the entire year. And he said it can confuse you. I think it can determine your decision. You make the decision based on what's going to happen in the next six months and you forget about the long range impact of how you will feel about that decision way later down the road when you're 80 years old. And after watching that interview, I was so curious to see if he spoke any more about this that I could only find one other interview online. It was 18 years later. And in this one, he is on a stage at an event called Summit Company and he happens to be talking to his brother about lessons in success. And he's reflecting back on this moment in his life and using the regret minimization framework to make this decision. And he had this insight about the nature of regrets that I wanted to share with you.

In most cases, our biggest regrets turn out to be acts of omission. It's paths not taken, and they haunt us. We wonder what would have happened. I loved that person and I never told them. And then they married somebody else. I did, you know, I didn't do this. And so that's the frame of mind that I put myself in. And I. And once I did that, once I thought about it that way, it was immediately obvious to me. I knew that when I'm 80, I would never regret trying this thing that I was super excited about and failing.

And that's why the second question determines who you really are and what you really want. If I put myself at the age of 80, what am I going to think about this decision then? Am I going to regret not doing it? And what's interesting about this question is it does help you remove all of the things that you're scared of that are right in front of you right now, immediately in your vision. And it helps. Helps you think long term and tap into what your heart truly wants. That thing that you know to be true that oftentimes you're scared to listen to. And it actually really works. I've referred to this before as time traveling. When you time travel ahead in your life and then you look backwards, things tend to make sense in a way that they don't when you're standing in the middle of it. And it gives you this sense of perspective that has wisdom that you can use in the present moment. And it works because I've felt this way when I've asked my question at various times in my life. For example, when we moved to Vermont, Am I going to regret not doing something that really supports Oakley at this moment in his life? Yes, I would regret not doing that. And so we moved. I felt that way when I started this podcast. Would I regret not doing it even though it was a big risk, Even though I was going to have to shut down parts of the business that were very successful to find the time to do this, even if it failed, I knew I would regret not doing it. And then all of a sudden, all the obstacles just become not barriers to doing it, but things you need to figure out. And you know what else? I felt this way when I quit my job as a lawyer in 1999. See, I hated that job, but I didn't know what I wanted to do. But I was so intrigued by the Internet that I quit my job as a lawyer and I jumped right into that first.com bubble in 1999. And you want to know something? I wasn't successful. I went from job to job to job to job. I was lost and changing my career and had no direction. I was just like throwing darts at the wall, for crying out loud, trying to figure out my next move for 14 years. 14 years. But I'll tell you what, even though I didn't succeed, it wasn't like I jumped into a startup that became Amazon and I found my calling. I definitely didn't fail. And I know if I had stayed in that job and just soldiered on, I would have looked back on that moment and regretted it for the rest of my life. And I tell you that because you don't regret the things that you failed at because you're proud of yourself for trying. And that's exactly what Jeff Bezos reflected on at the end of that interview in 2019.

I would be very proud of the fact when I'm 80, that I tried. And I also knew that it would always haunt me if I didn't try. And so that would be a regret. It would be 100% chance of a regret if I didn't try, and basically a zero percent chance of regret if I tried and failed.

I just love this. I love this question. Just think about yourself at the age of 80 and now look back on this decision you need to make. And your job is to make a decision that you will not regret. And there is a 100% chance that you will regret not trying. You will regret not taking a risk. You will regret not placing a bet on yourself or following your heart. And you want to know what else is true. There's 100% chance you will be proud of yourself if you find the courage to take the risk. I'm telling you, you're going to be proud of yourself. And that's why that question is so powerful. This is a great moment to hit the pause button, hear a word from our sponsors. If somebody's coming to mind, you're like, they need this.

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Please share this episode with them. It will make a huge difference in their life for them to have these questions too. Alrighty. Share this episode and I'll be waiting for you after short break. Stay with me.

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Book your next trip with Expedia today. Welcome back. It's your friend, Mel. And today you and I are digging into three questions that determine who you truly are. And that brings me to the third and final question from somebody I love. I love this woman so much, I follow her online. She is so extraordinary. Every time she comments on a post, I nearly have a heart attack because I respect her so much. I'm talking about the one and only Viola Davis. Now, her resume is unbelievable. First of all, she has run the triple crown of acting. An Academy Award, an Emmy Award, a Tony Award. Unbelievable. There's only 24 people, 15 women, nine men who've achieved that triple crown crown. She's also won the egot, which is that acronym for winning an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, and a Tony. I mean, that is unbelievable. And one of the things that I respect about her so much is she is one of the wisest human beings I think I could ever listen to. Every time she talks, I just feel myself exhale. And there was this clip that I found that thank you YouTube, for just serving up the next most amazing thing that I should see. Thank you, thank you, thank you for bringing bringing this clip of Viola into my life. And I want to Set the stage, because this third question is a game changer. You want to know who you really are? Ask yourself this question every morning. You want to know what you're really made of? Ask yourself this question before you go to bed every night. It will reveal a truth that you need to live by. And so the clip that you're about to hear is Viola Davis standing on the red carpet. She is at the premiere of the hunger games in 2023. She's standing next to Julius, who is her husband. And a BuzzFeed reporter asks her, what relationship advice would you give the youth? You know what? This is what I would say. And I know this is probably what I tell this to my daughter, that you are the love of your life. Don't you love that answer? I love that. You're asked, what's your relationship advice? And most of us immediately default to our relationship with our significant other. That's why Viola Davis is always there with the wisdom. She's like, you are the love of your life. She takes control of that interview, redirects it to the most important relationship that you have, the relationship with yourself. And she wasn't done. And I think that when you start with yourself, loving yourself, creating boundaries, advocating for yourself, being honest with yourself, not being so good that you're not being honest, you know, especially as a woman, then I think everything grows from there. It is the greatest seed you can plant in the world to create great friendships and relationships is to love yourself. Oh, it's so true. Everything begins with you. If you want to know who you truly are and what matters to you, ask yourself the question when you wake up in the morning today, who is going to be the love of my life? You. It should be you. How do you do that? You treat yourself like you would treat somebody that you love. You speak kindly. You take care of your body. You take care of your needs. You don't chase people that aren't choosing to love you back. You don't accept less than you deserve. You hold onto your boundaries. You focus on what matters. That's how you know that you're the love of your life. When you go to bed every single night, ask yourself that question again, because it determines who you really are. And every night, give yourself a gut check. Who was the love of my life today? And I hope nine times out of ten, you know it was you. Because how you treat yourself sets the bar for every other relationship in your life. How you treat yourself in response to that question determines who you are and what your experience of Life is. It starts with you. Three simple questions determine who you really are. Question number one. If you were getting paid a million dollars to do this, how would you do it? That question reveals a level of excellence, capacity, just this ability to put your all into something. And it also reveals when you're not. So that's question number one. Question number two. If I time travel and I think about being 80 years old, and I look back at this moment, am I going to regret not doing this? And the fact is, you never regret the risks that you take, even when you fail. Because when you fail knowing that you took a risk, that you bet on yourself, you're proud of yourself, but there's a huge, huge chance that you will regret not taking that risk. And so that question determines who you really are, because it helps you tap into what's in your heart and the courage that you need to follow it. This third question today. Who is going to be the love of my life? You. It should be you. You know who the love of your life is. Not based on what you feel, but based on how you behave. Did you treat yourself with love? And that question's a game changer, because how you treat yourself sets the bar for every other relationship in your life. It starts with you. And you have so much more potential, so much more excellence, so much more courage and capacity than you're tapping into. And I truly hope that these three questions are tools that you use to start digging deeper. And maybe what you need is a moment of honesty like the one Terry Crews shared with us, where looking back, you realize you've been blaming everybody else. But the truth is, you weren't showing up. You weren't taking the risk. And the good news about finally waking up to that is you can take responsibility for how you show up moving forward. You can dig a little deeper. There is this level that you haven't reached yet with yourself. And the moment you decide to hold yourself to a higher standard, whether that's how you treat yourself or whether that's how you show up and do the job with excellence and put your full self into it, or whether it's allowing yourself to take the risks and tap into that courage to follow your heart, you discover the person you could become. And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to tell you that I love you and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And I will be waiting for you in the very next episode. Okay. All right, let's go. Okay. All right, we ready? Here we go. Here we go. Let's see. Hold on. Okay, gotcha. That's a good. That's good. Read in for me. Okay, great. What's the question thing again? Okay, great, great. Because it's. You know, I think this is so exciting. And so that brings me to the first question. It sounds so good. I believe in revenge. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know, what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Stitcher.