Handling Stress in the Moment

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Welcome to the HBR IdeaCast from Harvard Business Review. I'm Sarah Greene Carmichael. Think back to your last stressful moment. Maybe you walked into a colleague's office and before you even realized what was happening, they were raising their voice at you. Or maybe you were leaving for a business trip, got to the airport and were told by the check in clerk that they had no record of your ticket at all. That one actually did happen to me. Or maybe you were just sitting at your desk trying to work and were just feeling bombarded and overwhelmed by all the stuff on your list and all the bleeps and blips and bloops of incoming notifications with people asking you to do just one more quick thing. Whatever your last stressful moment was, what happened? Did your heart start pounding? Did you lash out at a colleague? Did you just want to go have a big cold martini? We're going to be talking about dealing with stress in the moment today with Amy Gallo, a regular contributor to Harvard Business Review. Amy, thank you so much for talking with us today.

Thanks for having me, Sarah.

So at this point, I think we all know about the downsides of chronic stress and we've probably heard lots of similar sounding advice on how to cope with chronic stress, like work less, get more sleep, eat well, and so on. But what are you supposed to do do in the actual stressful moment? I mean, say you didn't get enough sleep last night and now you're stressed out. Like you can't go back in time and just get more sleep. What do you do? What's the first thing you do in that moment?

Right? So I think the very first thing you do is try not to think about your stress as a negative thing. As you said, so many of us know that stress has bad outcomes for us, right? We have bad health outcomes. It affects our performance. You know, there's this whole string of ways in which it negatively affects us. But there's actually a reason that we get stressed out. There's a reason all those symptoms you described, your heart races, you know, you turn red. You know, all of those symptoms of stress are actually a biological response to when you're feeling threatened. And that's a good thing, that your body responds that way. It used to be that we were stressed out because we were chased by a bear and meant we could run faster and we could get farther before being eaten. Right? So that is. The stress response is a good response. The problem is we feel the same way about, you know, being late for a plane that we do about being chased by a bear. Those are not the same thing. So remember, in that moment that you're feeling stressed, there's actually some positives to those things happening to that feeling of, you know, mental arousal, and that's that you are going to be better equipped to handle the challenge in front of you. The difficulty is there's actually what's known as the Yerke Dodson law, which is that performance increases with psychological or mental arousal, but only up to a point when the level of stress becomes too high, then you're not going to be able to perform well. So the first thing is give yourself a break, right? Don't think, oh gosh, I'm going to have a heart attack, or oh gosh, my day's ruined because I'm feeling stressed. Think, okay, this is a signal that something is going on, that I need to buckle down and get work done, or I need to talk to this travel agent and get a new flight, use it as an impetus and a sign that something needs to change.

So I think that makes a lot of sense. Unfortunately, I think a lot of us are not quite to the point where we can notice that and recognize that. So before we've sort of done that mental shift and maybe remembered the Yerkes odds, in law, we end up lashing out at the poor woman working at the airline check in counter. Or, you know, maybe we lash out at our spouse or our kids because it's easier than yelling at our boss if there's some other kind of workplace problem? We have a lot of maladaptive kind of behaviors. So is there something we need to do even before we can say to ourselves, oh, okay, this is actually a useful signal.

Right? So one of the symptoms of stress is that you lose access to the front cortex of your brain, so you're not rational thinking. So that's why you lash out at your spouse or the woman working behind the counter. So really, when you start to notice whatever your signs of stress are, and you should take some time to think about what are they? Is it that your palms get sweaty? Is that you start to feel overwhelmingly warm? Is it that you clench your hands, whatever those signs are, then you want to think about interrupting those signs. And there's two ways to do that. One, both of them are physical, so one is with your breath, so you want to take deep breaths. Well, one of the Things we do when we're stressed is we hold our breath. And if you can take a deep breath and count, count to six while you're breathing in, count to six breathing out. These are basic mindfulness tactics. That's gonna interrupt the stress response and give you much more access to the thinking, rational part of your brain. The other thing is you can do what's called anchoring, and that's using your body. So not necessarily your breath, but using other parts of your body where you might touch the table in front of you and count each of your fingers, right? Place each of the fingers on the table and count. What you're trying to do is sort of place yourself in the present moment. Because what happens when your star employee gives notice or you're late to an important meeting with the CEO is that you start thinking about all the consequences. You're not in that particular moment, right? You're thinking, I'm gonna get fired or I'm never gonna get this project done, or how am I ever gonna have time to replace this person? Rather than thinking, okay, in the moment, what has to happen? So really, you wanna get as present in your body as you can, and using anchoring tactics or breathing is the best way to do that.

This is kind of a random question, but do you ever use app? I feel like I've read so much about different stress management apps that you can use. Is that something you've tried? Do you recommend that? I don't know.

Yeah, I have used apps. I have to say, I'm not a regular user of them, which is, I think what you have to do. There is an app I used where there was a mindfulness exercise for stress in the moment, and I did find it helpful sometimes. But as you said, when you're in that moment, finding your phone, opening an app, I think it's as long as you can remember. These are really basic things you want to do to interrupt the physical stress response you're having. Get in your body. An app may help if you have trouble working with these breathing exercises or with the anchoring exercises. But they're pretty simple. So if you can commit to doing, remind yourself to do them when you need to do them and learn. I think what happens is when you lash out at your spouse and the whole thing goes wrong, think about, okay, what would have happened if I had done. If I had stopped to breathe or if I had left the house, right? If I had gone and walked around the block. That's another thing, is you can change the scenery in that moment. Particularly if you feel like you're about to yell or you're being yelled at. You're always allowed to just take a break. Even if it's just for 30 seconds or a minute. Go take a walk, get outside, breathe some fresh air. That's going to help you sort of access again those thinking parts of your brain.

One of the things that sometimes can come up for people is that, you know, they initially fail to notice they're getting stressed out. They fail to do the breathing, they lash out at someone and that's when they noticed how stressed they are. Is it sort of too late then to manage your stress or even after you've sort of noticed, then you're lashing out at someone? What can you do if you've let it escalate to that point?

Well, this is all about self awareness, right? So trying to recognize those signs before you lose control is, is that's going to be your best bet. You're never too far gone. I mean, unless you're absolutely blacked out from anger and don't know what you're doing and lost complete control, which does happen, you know, hopefully you're not at that point. You can still use these breathing exercises, these, these anchoring exercises. And really, if you've affected someone, this is where, you know, my expertise around conflict comes in. If you've affected someone, if you've yelled at the person behind the counter at a co worker, if you've snapped at your kid, it's okay. If you sort of wake up to that moment and think, oh man, I am stressed out, it's okay. And it's important to apologize, right? And that really also one of the things that helps decrease stress is a sense of control. So often, like your example at the top around, you know, showing up in your plane ticket, not being there, you just feel totally out of control. How am I going to get there? I'm, you know, I'm at the whim of these computers and this person behind this counter. If you can take a simple action that increases your sense that you have efficacy in that situation, self efficacy, then that's going to start what I think of as an avalanche of good thoughts. So it might be, if you're having a stressful day, you grab an apple instead of a cookie. And the fact it's less about not loading yourself up with sugar, it's more about I've made a good choice. So you've set, you've laid the groundwork for I make good choices so I can continue to make good choices.

Yes, I am glad that you mentioned the aspect of being out of control, because I do think that so many of the things that are the most stressful are often the things that we cannot control at all.

Right. What you want to do in those moments is you're never in a situation where you're completely out of control. There are small steps you can take. It might be a really small action. Even choosing to be kind to that person who just told you that your ticket doesn't exist in the computer system. That is an act of control. Right. You have the choice of whether to be nice to that person or whether to be unkind to that person. And you have to remember that's a choice. And making the choice to be kind, you know, sets your brain up to know, okay, I am in control of certain aspects of this, and it also sets the intention with that person. I'm going to be collaborative with you, and you're going to help me solve this problem so I can get on my plane.

So, Amy, I want to ask you about a few common scenarios that seem like they're especially stressful. I know you do have a lot of expertise on conflict. You're the author of the HBR Guide to Managing Conflict at Work. I think one of the things that does seem to stress people out in that moment is unexpected conflict. When a conflict does suddenly flare up out of nowhere at work, what are some good productive ways in that moment to handle that feeling of stress that you get when someone suddenly is being maybe a little bit hostile or aggressive?

Sure. I think the difficulty with conflict that feels sprung on us is, again, what we talked about earlier is that feeling that you're out of control and also just knowing that you're not prepared. I talk a lot in the book about getting ready for conflict so that when it comes up, you can quickly analyze the situation, know what your goal is, and start the conversation appropriately. But when someone walks out of the meeting or starts yelling you in the hallway, you haven't done any of that work. So what you really need to do is give yourself a little time and that you might say, sarah, can I come find you in about 10 minutes? Or, oh, Sarah, I'm not ready to talk about this. Can I set up a meeting for us to talk about it tomorrow? Really do whatever you can to put off the situation in those moments. You do not want to accuse the person of anything. You don't want to focus on their inappropriate behavior or their behavior. Whether it's inappropriate or not. You want to really focus on your need for some time, right? I need time. I'll come back to this. You might also just ask a few questions. That sometimes buys you some time. If someone starts yelling at you, they're generally going to expect you to yell back. And that's what people often want. I know when I yell at someone, I'm hoping they're just going to fight back because it's easiest and that's what I'm looking for. So you might start asking some questions, say, wow, I didn't know you were upset about this. Can you give me a little background or can you tell me what led to this moment, or can you tell me what's most important to you here so I can fully understand? Understand? That buys you a little thinking time as well. You want to listen to their answer for sure. But it gives you a little bit of time to sort of do a little bit of the exercises we talked about before, the breathing, the anchoring, so that you can remain calm and listen to what they say so that you can engage in a more productive discussion.

I want to pivot now to a completely different type of scenario. I think a lot of stress is caused for people from the fear that they're letting down someone who's important to them and it could be their boss. If they have a good relationship with their boss, it could be a spouse or a kid that they feel like they're just not there for them in the way that they want to be. Often because of a work commitment, we always feel sort of double booked. If you are sort of worrying and worrying that you're letting another person down, what is a good way to kind of dial back from that kind of momentary stress?

So I think in that moment you have to realize that you're making a presumption, right? Is that this person wants me to do X and I'm doing Y instead. But the assumption is that they want you to do X. So you really need to figure out whether that's true. I know that I do this with co workers all the time where I think I have to get this done by a certain time. And then when I rush to get it done, I'm like, sorry, this was late. I sometimes get a, oh, I wasn't expecting this for another day or so, or, oh, don't worry, it wasn't a big deal. So it's really about setting expectations. Hopefully you've done that beforehand. But in the moment when you're feeling like you've let someone down is really making sure that you are aligned on the expectations because you may be let off the hook right away. Maybe your spouse is excited that you're going to work meeting because she gets to watch her favorite television show. So you need to really make sure that you're actually letting the person down. And then also I think there's a lot of negative self talk that happens in these moments, in these stressful moments. So you think I'm overwhelmed, I'm scared I'm going to lose something. I'm always disappointing people. We look out for those words I never or I always because those are really extreme. And really you want to sort of contextualize, do a little positive self talk, which is that I'm usually a very reliable person right now. I can't meet everyone's needs. Right. Sort of try to contextualize the situation so that you're not over exaggerating it in your head, which is what we tend to do when we're stressed.

So that's actually a great segue to the third scenario I wanted to ask you about, which is maybe there's not one particular incident that suddenly has brought this on, but you've sat down at your desk, you've realized you have way too much on your plate and you're sort of getting pinged with incoming requests for you to do more. How in that moment can you kind of get a handle on the situation so that, you know, you A, don't feel so stressed, but also B, so that you're not just sort of overwhelmed by all the things?

Right. I do that often at 8am when I look at my to do list and I think, oh my gosh. And I start projecting all the pings and the blings that are about to come to me and I think not only do I have to get this done, but I'm going to have to answer all of these things that start coming in in an hour at nine o'. Clock. Right. So. And it's easy to just sort of spiral out of control when that happens. I think I'm a big fan of lists, so having a list of what you can get done, sometimes I'll divide my list into what absolutely has to happen today, what should happen if it can, and then what can wait. Sometimes that sort of gives me a little bit of leeway and I can shift things between those three lists during the day. And you also want to again, make sure you have your expectations set with people. So I get in the habit of constantly responding to slack messages or emails that come in right away. And sometimes it's really just better to Put those off. You can. A lot of the email experts say check email just three times a day or just five times a day or whatever. However few times you can do to minimize those interruptions so you're actually able to get work done. But the key is to really be organized about what is realistic to get done. I think a lot of times that expectation is often with ourselves. So sometimes I'll start off the day with a list of eight things and I'm like, these are definitely going to get done. And by 10:00am I realized, okay, only one of these things are going to get done. And I'm already starting from a deficit perspective. And it's better to say, okay, these are the three things that absolutely have to be done today. I can't shut my computer off at 5, 6, whatever until those are done. But these other things are sort of bonuses if I can get them done.

So say you've had one of these kinds of scenarios we've been talking about. You've done some of these things and you've gotten through the moment, but you're still carrying around some of this baggage. What are some things you can do to kind of turn that bad day around so that you can move on and have a better day, be a more pleasant person, both for yourself and for other people? People go home, you know, not take all this baggage with you. How are. What are some sort of tips for turning that bad day around?

I think one of the things that's underestimated is the ability to just give yourself small moments of pleasure. I know for me in our office, I love the temperature of the water that comes out of the cold water filter. And sometimes when I'm feeling really bad, I just go and get a glass of water and stand there and quietly sip it. You have to remember, no matter how bad a day is, to take those small pleasures. Maybe it's going to a window and looking at a particular view. Maybe it's listening to a song you really like. I have a friend who says if she's had the worst day, there's a song from the Hamilton musical that she puts on and it helps her no matter what. So I think getting into that self talk where you're like, this is the worst day ever, just really focusing on the negative, but really think, okay, I can restart here. I can do something that's going to take me out of this stressful moment or, or there's time to turn the bad day around. So take those small pleasures. Do what you can to really feed yourself so that you're not stuck in the negativity.

One thing I also do that's helped me that I read about ages ago and something we published. I don't even remember where it came from. But in addition to the small pleasures are the small wins. And Teresa Imabile has written about the power of these small wins and how they ultimately are really motivating for us. But sometimes when I've had a day where I'm stressed out because I feel like I haven't accomplished anything, which isn't true, I accomplished lots of things. They probably just weren't what was on my to do list at the start of the day. I'll try to end the day by ticking off a couple of quick things from my to do list that maybe are minor. Maybe it's just returning an email to someone, but it helps me go home feeling like, well, at least I got that done right.

And that's about that sense of control again, right? I mean, I think even I've talked to Sean Acker, who writes a lot about this, and he, you know, he says that if you, if you realize it's one o' clock in the afternoon, you haven't gotten anything done on your to do list, think about what you did do. You got up, you got to work. You know, those aren't small accomplishments all the time, right? Maybe you got your kids off to school, maybe you had lunch with an important colleague. You know, the to do list can be a little bit of a trap sometimes, just sometimes focusing on what you have gotten done, even if it's, you know, not what you planned, can be rewarding. Again, reminding yourself, I have control over how this happens. I'm not subject to, to everything that's happening during my day.

So one of the things people often will say in these kind of stressful moments is that it's okay to vent. But I'm wondering if that applies to the office. Because if you're venting at the office and emotions are contagious and you are ultimately colleagues with this person, is it a good idea to just kind of vent your frustration on another person? Perhaps infect them with your negativity, but then also, you know, you've just exposed yourself to a colleague in maybe a vulnerable way. And is that realistically a good idea?

I do think venting is a good idea because I think venting gets a lot of the emotion out. But there's a couple caveats to that one. If it's about someone at work, find someone outside work. Find a friend, a former colleague, you used to work with a spouse, someone who can, who can hear it and isn't invested in the problem in any way. And two, find someone who's not gonna feed you back what you're saying. So you're gonna say this person's a jerk, or I just have my boss just gives me way too much work. And you don't want the person who's going to agree with you and just say, yeah, you've gotten way too much work. You want someone who's going to help you do things like take the other person's perspective, look on the bright side, focus on the positive. And you don't want someone who will dismiss any of your concerns. But anyone who sort of pushes you deeper into the negativity is not going to help you. Now, I do want to say having friends at work is incredibly important and having people you trust is incredibly important. I don't mean to say you can never say anything negative about one person to another at work. Sometimes that is a necessary part of venting. You just have to be very careful in how you do that. And like you said, also watch for any sort of negativity you might spread to the other person. You don't want to take someone who really works well with your colleague Sarah and then go tell them how horrible Sarah is, because then they're going to have a negative view of Sarah. So you just have to watch for that emotional contagion that you're, that you're talking about.

So one of the bulwarks against that kind of thing that has often been talked about the last couple of years especially, is the idea of using gratitude as a way to kind of be positive, to positively reframe your life. People talk about keeping gratitude diaries. This idea has started to get a bit of blowback and a kind of idea that we're doing gratitude all wrong. In fact, the point of gratitude is to say thank you to another person, not just to be randomly grateful. What do you think about this debate?

I'm glad you brought it up because I think in stressful moments, gratitude can be a way to break yourself out of the negative self talk and break yourself out of the stress response. So you know that moment you described earlier where you sit down at your desk and you're just completely overwhelmed? That's a great time to think about one or two or three things you feel grateful for. I'm grateful that I like my job. I'm grateful that I enjoy working with these co workers. I'm grateful I have a job. Whatever it is just it'll help calm down that stress response a little bit. I completely agree. Gratitude is best when you express it to others. But as a sort of focus on the positive trick, I think it is a nice way into reducing that stress response.

Well, Amy, this has been really helpful. Thank you so much for talking with us today.

It's my pleasure. I always enjoy talking with you, Sarah.

That was Amy Gallo, regular contributor to hbr. You can see more from Amy, including the books she's written@hbr.org. you can, of course, also connect with us on Facebook and Twitter and LinkedIn. Thanks again for listening.