Raw and Refreshing Advice on Navigating Anxiety, Insecurity, Popularity, & Peer Pressure in Your Teenage and 20-Something Years

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Sounds great.

All right. Anything else that you think people should know before we jump in?

I'm psyched to be here. Super glad to be back.

Oh my gosh, I'm psyched to be back too. All right, so I'm just— here's how it's going to roll. I have a stack of literally several hundred questions, and these are just—

it's very thick.

Yeah, a sample of the ones that we've got in the last 48 hours. Oakley has not seen these questions.

And are we going? We're just— we're just going right in.

We're just going.

Perfect. Let's go for it.

All right, great. Here's the first one. Why is it so hard to get my sons to talk? When my 18-year-old is upset, he stops talking to all of us.

I think for some people, I mean, everybody processes like annoyance and anger differently. And I mean, I'm no expert psychologist, but I feel like sometimes the way that men or boys can process anger is they need time to themselves and they don't want to talk about it. Um, it's also a bit of a norm for men to just be closed off in general and not really share how they feel in general. And he may be falling under that category, which is a possibility because boys at high school don't like to share how they feel most of the time.

Why?

Uh, sign of weakness, I guess. A worry that to show how you truly feel, if you're upset or angry, it's not masculine, which is a word that people throw around. But I think that it's not because your son is angry with you or doesn't like you. It's because he feels as though what he needs to be doing to achieve a certain standing in a social hierarchy or the life he's living right now is to not share. And to stay quiet.

Oh, so in the life of the average teenage or young adult male social hierarchy, like, the guys that are like quiet and broody, that's like a plus?

You normally don't share if you're sad. Anger is something people share.

Okay.

But sadness, if you're into somebody, like, you don't really— people don't really share that because that isn't very masculine, I guess, is the word that people use.

Really? If you like someone? Wow. You got to, like, pretend like you don't care.

Yeah.

Wow. So let's break this question apart a little bit, because I notice particularly in the mornings or at the end of the day, if you got a lot of homework, you're usually pretty pissed off and grouchy. And it is obvious to me, particularly in the mornings, that you do not want me talking to you.

Yeah. And you do a great job at it. I really appreciate it.

But why? So can you explain why me talking to you when you're in a state where you're annoyed about something, why does that bother you?

I mean, the mornings and the afternoons are two different times for me. Like in the afternoon, when I get home from school, and this is for every kid, we just went through 8 or 9 hours of social interactions and tests and papers and classes. And so when you get home, the last thing you want to do is have a 20-minute conversation breaking down every little thing that happened at school. So that's generally what— yeah, well, what you want to do when I get home, at least, is I want to go to my room, maybe sit in there for a minute or two, kind of just be alone, hang out for a second. And then when I come back down to you, I'm more ready and willing to open up. But in the mornings, this, this may just be like a me thing, but I just like, I wake up and I just got to get out the door. Like, I don't want to be slowed down. Like, I'm super tired. Like, I'm upset that I just woke up. I was super happy being asleep. I feel like I'll be set off very easily if somebody's trying to like get in my way and talk to me. I don't know if that's for everybody.

Well, I think it's really helpful. And I also feel like if you've got a lot of stuff that you're processing and you're not ready to talk about it, there's nothing there's nothing more irritating than somebody prying.

Yeah, for sure.

And asking you to talk about it. And so, in terms of the answer to the question, why is it so hard to get sons to talk, there's the larger piece of it, which is all day long, sons and people that identify male are getting bombarded with the message that emotions are weak.

Yep.

Talking about how you feel is a weakness.

Yep.

And so, it's getting reinforced and reinforced to just keep it inside. Second reason is they might be processing something and they're not ready to talk about it.

Yeah.

And prying makes you what?

I mean, it makes me frustrated because I still don't really know half the time.

Okay. And so do you have any advice? Because her second part of her question is, when my 18-year-old is upset, he stops talking to all of us. And you do that too.

I do.

You remove yourself when you're mad about something. So if you have somebody in your life that removes themselves the way that Oakley does with us when he, like, is about to blow a gasket, what is the best strategy? Just speaking from your shoes.

Okay.

How much time do you need? What's the best way to approach the topic after, you know, you've kind of pulled away?

Okay. So if I get up to go, like, don't stop me. I'm not trying to be— like, I'm just trying to leave. Like, I don't want to be a part of this conversation anymore.

Okay.

For the piece about time, I think that it's just different for everybody and every situation. Like, if I'm more upset or less upset, it may take more or less time. And then to know when to re-engage and to try and have that conversation, I think I give like a subtle cue, as in like I come back down into like a public space and I don't really say anything, but I'm just like hanging out. Maybe I'll try and eat something or do but I will be near you guys and I'll wait for you guys to engage.

It's true.

I don't know if that's how everybody works, but I give a sign, and I think most people do give a sign when they're ready to talk. And my sign is I come back down and am in a public space.

And is there a lead-in line that you would want to hear from me or Dad?

I just like, how are you feeling?

Hey bud, like that kind of thing?

Not like, hey bud, I feel like that's kind of talking down, but more just like, how are you feeling? I noticed you're very upset. Would you like to talk about it?

Would you like to talk about it? I like that. So acknowledge the feelings that you saw and then ask, would you like to talk about it? And I take it if the person's like, no, you just give them their space.

Give them more space. Yeah.

Okay, great.

Actually, one more thing. You have a line.

What do I have?

This is really good, and I think everybody should use it. But if your child is willing to open up, it may be your first thought to jump right in and give advice and solve the problem. But you have a line that you use all the time, which is, do you want me to give advice or do you want me to just listen? And so if your child decides to open up, I recommend using that line because they might not want you to help solve their issue. They might just want to tell you what's going on and that's it.

You never want advice.

Yeah, because I feel like I'm able to work things out most of the time.

Most of the time. All right, we're going to probably go more and more into that because there were a lot of questions. About how you broach topics with your teens and your young adults, how you build trust. And so let's do another one. How do you teach your kids about cliquey behavior, like friend group cliquey?

Yeah, I remember there were cliques in my middle school. I wouldn't say there is as many at my high school, more just like friend groups.

What's the difference between a friend group and a clique?

Well, I'll give my thing. A clique is very closed off. They only engage with each other. They don't really let other people in. And like, a friend group is just like, it's a group of people who you normally see hanging out, but they're never not including everybody or stuff like that.

Gotcha. Okay.

Would you agree with that? I feel like that's—

yeah, I think the word clique, if you say the word clique, it's negative.

It's a negative word.

And there's a certain group of people, whether you're an adult or you're a young adult or you're a teen, if I say the word clique, there's a certain group of people that you immediately think of.

Yeah.

Because they're exclusive and they seem kind of judgy.

Yes. Okay, so if you are outside of a clique and there are people that you like inside of it, I would just stay away from the clique. And if you are in a clique, I would recommend that you either change your ways in that clique or just leave it, because it is not a very positive environment. And people do not think very positively of it.

That's true. Even if you think that's the popular girl clique, people still don't think positive of it.

You should, you should always take what makes you happy over like social standings. I would say you don't need to hang out with the popular people to be happy.

Okay, we got to go dig deep into that. How do you do that? Because we all think we need to be popular or we need to hang out with the popular people in order to be happy.

People feel happy when they're seen, and you feel seen when you're in the popular crew because people know your name and they're saying hi to you in the halls and you're getting invited to the parties. But when you, like, take a deep look into that group, you realize that half of them hate each other, or they talk shit about each other all the time, right? Which I've heard on countless occasions at my school. Like, there's a group like that, and I've talked to them and they've said the worst things to their friends about their friends, which I would never imagine my friends saying about me. It can definitely feel good to be recognized, but when you look back at your experience, you're going to realize that it was shallow and you weren't enjoying the people you were with. And so to get out of that is my recommendation is find people who, when you hang out with them, you feel trust. And you feel safe, and you also feel enjoyment, and you feel secure.

What does that feel like? How do you know?

For me, it's like a gut feeling. Like, when I see my friends, I'm like, those are my people. I know, like, they have my back. And if you're unsure, there will be situations that come up where they will take your side.

Um, can you give me an example? Like, if you've been in a situation where you thought you were with your people, but then somebody did something and you're like, oh my God.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So In my middle school, I was friends with the popular boy group in my school, and I was happy about it. I thought I was. And I wore jeans every day to school. And the one day that I wore shorts, one of the guys in the friend group was like, your legs look so weird. And then they went around and told everybody that my legs look so weird. And then everybody was hitting on my legs. And there were a few dudes that were like, that's not cool. Don't do that. And I was like, those are the guys. Like, those are my guys. Because those are the guys that are just standing up for me. Even though the popular dude isn't.

That leads right into this question: How do I help my son deal with kids who say hurtful things? He has a very hard time ignoring them.

Um, I mean, when people say hurtful things—

oh my God, we got a lot of questions.

You turn the page and I'm like, holy shit. Okay, um, we have a lot of questions, um, and we'll get to them all. Um, when people say hurtful things to other people, yeah, 9 times out of 10 it is because they are in a world of hurt right now. Yeah, whether that be family, friends, maybe academically, there's always something wrong with their life and they're taking out their frustration on somebody else. But it still hurts, correct, when people say things.

So how in the moment when somebody says your legs are weird, or they call you some name, or they leave you out, or something you've experienced is when you always end up being the person in a game. That's it. So you're subtly getting picked on and excluded because the whole point of whatever game you're playing in phys ed or whatever, it's like, "Go after Oakley." And you start to realize that everybody's out for you. So when it's happening, you can say to yourself, "Well, people are just doing this to me because they hate their life." [Speaker:MICHAEL] But it's still sad. Sucks. So how do you cope with it?

Well, this is a little bit different, but one way to make it go away— yes, I think— is just to not really react to it and honestly make fun of it. Be okay.

How would you do this with the leg example?

Agree with them.

Okay.

They're like, oh, your legs are stupid, and you're like, yeah, they do kind of look stupid. I know, it's funny, isn't it? Which makes them feel a little weird because they were expecting you to be like, oh my God, this is so bad. But if you joke about it with them, then they're kind of like, oh, what? They don't really care.

It doesn't go anywhere.

It doesn't go anywhere, right? And then they're like, why do anything to this person if they're not going to react in the way that I want them to?

And what would you advise the adult in that kid's life, like the parent that's writing in this question? How, as a parent, can I support you? Because I would, I would expect, right?

I think as a parent, your first thought is just like, reach out to the parents and make sure, like, I told them that their kid is being a horrible person. Don't do that. Never do that.

Never do what?

Never reach out to like the bully's parent or the school or anything, because for a middle schooler, the last— or even a high schooler, uh, the last thing that they want is for their parent to be getting involved in their social issue. For, for the kid to come up to them the next day, their bully to come up to them and be like, your parents just wrote mine and said I'm being rude to you, like you're the worst. That's be-all end-all horrible. But, but there are definitely exceptions.

Exceptions when it's racist, discriminatory, when they're saying dangerous stuff, when you're starting to feel depressed, when you feel like you can't handle it. Yes, then you have to tell.

Yes, 100%. Then you have to do something.

But you're talking about the little—

like, I'm talking about the little stuff. What you can do as a parent is you can be there for your kid. You can reach out, you can say What can I do? You have to keep asking your kid what you can do because everybody's different, everybody needs something different.

Yep.

But to show your kid that you are there for them is huge. Just like every day saying, hey, how was your day today? What can I do to support you? Things like that.

You know, another thing you could do is you could rehearse comebacks.

Oh, that's so good! That's so good. I love that. I bet we probably did. Yeah, I love that.

Like, what are you gonna say if you walk into that school and they do blah blah blah? What are you gonna say?

Yeah, that's good. That's really good because then it also like makes fun of it and then they're like, oh, maybe they will pick on me today and then I could use my comeback and like, oh, that is good. That is really good. Definitely do that.

Okay. And I'm also gathering that it is important to talk about this with your parents.

Yes.

Even if it's the little shit.

Yes.

Your message though to parents is don't get yourself involved in the little shit.

If it starts becoming racist, dangerous, your kid is feeling uh, depressed, things like that, then you should reach out to the school, reach out to the parents. You want to do something. Um, but if it's little stuff, name-calling, uh, teasing, just make fun out of it basically.

Or help your kid.

Or help your kid.

Or figure out what your kid needs.

All right, I'm loving these questions, Mom. Okay, but I think we should probably jump into ads for a minute.

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All right. Welcome back, everybody. I hope you enjoyed the ads you just listened to. They're the reason we have this show. So, yeah, hope you like them.

That's right. All right. Okay, let's keep going with the questions here.

Let's do it.

All right. What do teens need from their parents? What reminders? What role should we be playing?

Yeah, actually, last night I was— you didn't do anything. I was at my school presenting parent tips to a bunch of parents.

Why were you doing that?

Because I'm a senior mentor at my school, which basically means I'm assigned a group of first years who I look over, and I can help with social issues or academic issues and things like that. So I was asked by the school to come in last night and give a presentation to parents just saying, here's some tips for your new high school 9th graders.

So the freshmen, freshmen parents.

We don't call them freshmen.

What do you call them?

First years.

First years. Okay.

And after my presentation, our headmaster got up and he gave a speech. And what he said is just that when you have a kid, you are a coach. And coaches never play in the game. They can give advice and they can watch, but they cannot get on the field. I'm like blanking on what the question was, but—

but so that's the role of a parent.

That's the role of the parent. You can give advice, you can cheer, you can watch, um, you can support, but you can never step on the field. You can't play for your kid. You're just there for them.

Got it. And specifically, what are some of the things that every young adult and teenager needs to hear from the adults in their life or from their parents?

That you're proud of them. Okay, that's huge. That you love them, that's also very big. You're there for them to support them. They want to hear that you like their friends. That's really important, that you that you're friends with people that they enjoy.

But what if you don't like their friends?

Hmm. Well, what would you do if you didn't like my friends?

I would still want to act in a way as if I did.

Yep.

Because I know that if you felt like I didn't like your friends or I was judgmental of your friends, you wouldn't bring them around.

Yeah.

And if you're not here, with your friends, I don't have eyes on you and your friends, and I don't know your friends.

Yeah.

It's important that I get a chance to know who you're hanging out with. And the only way that that's going to happen is if you and your friends feel comfortable coming over to our house. And so if I'm judgy of them, they're not going to feel comfortable coming here. If you think I don't like them, they're not going to feel comfortable. And the other piece is, how could you possibly know if you like somebody if you haven't actually tried to get to know them.

Yeah, definitely try and get to know your kids' friends. Yeah, have conversations with them, invite them if they're spending the night, invite them to dinner with you. Do all that to get to know your friends because they're a huge part of your kid's life.

Actually, there's a landmark study that came out that said 97% of your child's success as a young adult is based on the 5 friends they hang out with.

Mm-hmm.

And I think that's true. And so your only access point to change your child's friend group or to have an impact on them is to make them feel welcome so you get to know them.

Yeah.

Here's another one. What do you like to do, Oak, when you first get home from school?

Let's see here. School bell rings, jump in the car, turn on some music, drive home. Having a good time, pull in the driveway, open the door, dogs come running at me. I'm like, "What's up, guys?" I give them a little pet. Walk around. You might be working, so I sometimes don't come up here. Sometimes I do. I just see who's busy to be like, "I'm home! I'm here!" Would you like us to be like, "What up, Oak?" I mean, an enthusiastic greeting is always lovely. I always appreciate that. And then, I mean, if I'm hungry, I'll make myself a snack. But 9 times out of 10, what I'll most likely do is just go up to my room after I've said hello. And hang out there for 10, 20 minutes. Just get my bearings, you know, decompress, decompress. Just had a full day of studying and now I'm just hanging out at home. And then depending on what I need to get done, I'll get up and go do that.

Gotcha. Here's another one. My son is 14 and does not have a cell phone. Am I hurting him or helping him?

I'm gonna say helping him.

What?

For sure. For sure. Everyone, including myself, like, we are consumed by our technology, and you hear it everywhere, and it's like, you think it's cliché, but I, I fully agree with the fact that it practically runs our life. And so the later your child gets a phone, it's— I mean, it's not going to hurt them.

But what about the bullying?

Like, you got a first-year student that rolls into high school, and he's not going to appreciate it in the moment, when he's there, he's gonna be like, man, I wish I had a phone. Honestly, people wouldn't bully him for not having a phone. That's not something that people really get bullied for. It's more of just like, oh, honestly, like, you as a parent might get bullied by the kids because your son doesn't have a phone. But your kid might be like, oh, I want a phone so bad, or blah, blah, blah, blah. But there's so much more to life than your phone, and to appreciate that when you're younger is super important.

At what age would you say?

Probably 16. Like, once you're allowed to have a car, I feel like you're probably allowed to get a phone as well.

Now I'm like playing the worried parent because I'm feeling this anxiety like, okay, but I'm running late and I need to reach you.

And I'm like a flip phone.

Oh, so a flip phone's cool. You're talking a smartphone?

Yeah, I mean like an iPhone, Android, like something like that.

Got it.

So it's like internet.

Gotcha. So you're just talking a flip phone so you can text your kid. That is fine.

Yeah.

But you do not need a full-on smartphone.

No, because also everyone's gonna have one, and I bet your kid probably has like an Xbox or a computer or something that they can also access and connect with their friends on. So it's not the end of the world if they don't have a smartphone until they're like 16.

Um, here's a question. Mom of a 17-year-old senior, she has no clue what she wants to study in college yet.

That is totally fine. I mean, I say to my friends and whoever asks that I want to study psychology. I've actually never taken the class before.

So why do you want to study psychology?

Because, like, it's— you, you kind of work in that field, and, um, I mean, you work in the wellness field of psychology, and I think it would be interesting to learn more about the human brain and things like that. I actually am taking the class now, but I haven't taken it before. But I came up with the idea to major in psychology way before I started the class, and It's totally fine. Even when you get to college, I'm pretty sure you don't need to pick your major yet. And you may hear people say, oh, I already know my major, and it sounds like everybody does, but not a lot of people do. Nobody really knows what's going on.

Gotcha. What do you eat for breakfast?

What do I eat for breakfast?

Yeah, listener wants to know.

Really?

Yes, that's a question right there.

Oh, I love you. Well, Yeah, like, I just love to keep things fun, you know? It's serious, but you gotta have a little fun. My answer is a trick question because I don't eat breakfast.

You don't eat breakfast?

No, I wake up in the morning and my one thought is like, get out the door, get in the shower, get out the door, like, go, go. I mean, sometimes maybe I'll grab an apple or a banana on a good day, maybe a protein shake, but that's rare.

Can I ask a question?

Yeah.

Would it be helpful If I had breakfast ready?

No, because 9 times out of 10, I wouldn't eat it. Because also, like, my stomach kind of hurts in the morning sometimes, and I just don't really feel like eating.

Well, that's why—

and I wouldn't want the food to go to waste.

Okay, well, because I used to make you breakfast, and then you stopped wanting it because you said your stomach was hurting. So then I just got in the habit of not doing it. But I'd be happy to make you a protein shake.

No, I'm totally fine with you not. It's all good. Okay, but maybe we get back into that rhythm. I might take a protein shake in the morning.

Or a bagel. I know I've thrown a bagel wrapped in foil. I love a good bagel wrapped in foil.

Okay.

Okay, we can make some changes.

But sometimes it might not work. Like, sometimes it might be like, get this away from me.

Yes.

Get out of here.

Okay, and we know from answers earlier that when your child is angry, just give them the space.

Exactly.

Okay, listener wants to know, oh, this is actually a high school student.

Oh, let's go.

How can I be confident in class and participate more?

Hmm, that's good.

Is it important to?

It is very important to participate in class.

Why?

Because one, it shows your teachers you're paying attention, and two, I think when I participate in class, it also helps me feel like I am paying attention and getting what I need out of the class. If you are not already a senior, my one recommendation would be to take a drama class because— oh, just because those classes always go into public speaking and all that kind of stuff. So if you aren't a senior and you got time, take a drama class. They will teach you how to project. They'll teach you how to be more confident. 9 times out of 10, you'll probably have a show performance that you have to do at the end of the year where you will have to stand up in front of a group of people and say a few lines. So, but if you don't have the time to do that, I think it's important to know that when you speak in class, people aren't going to be listening for you to mess up or they're, they're not even going to be listening half the time. Most of the time, like, people are probably sitting in class dead asleep, doing their own thing, playing a game on their phone, texting a friend. They are not really present in class. But for you to get what you need out of the class, I do recommend that you, uh, get your hand up and say something, because the best way to get over your fear is to jump right in and do it.

What a fabulous suggestion. Never would have thought of that. Oakley, what are you trying to improve on this year?

Oh, love this. What am I trying to improve on this year? You know, I want to improve my ability to be present and appreciate where I am and be happy, because I know this year is going to fly by, and I'm in love with where I am, and I just want to be here and keep it going.

As your mom, it's just so amazing to hear you say, I'm in love with where I am right now. No, don't make fun of that. I'm not. Big fucking deal. Why are you in love with where you are? Because you haven't always—

I have not always loved where I have been. Um, well, I love the location. We're in a beautiful mountainy state. It's gorgeous. I love my school. I love my teachers. I love the sports I play. I love my friends. I love seeing them every day. I love my family. Like, I love coming home and seeing you guys every day. I feel like I just have so much that I love and value right here where I need it, like, at my fingertips. And I would say that I'm not taking it for granted, of course not, but it's definitely just like, since I love it so much and it's moving incredibly fast—

it is moving fast. How do you encourage your kids to make friends? Without being pushy and them getting upset? Because we've all been in that stage where we want to be friends with people.

Yep.

And it's not reciprocated.

Yep.

And you get needy.

Yep.

Or you start to feel like they're leaving me out. So how do you help somebody find their people and stay true to themselves?

I would encourage them to sign up for after-school sports, clubs, get involved in things other than classes, for sure. I mean, first off, if you sign up for a club that you're interested in, you'll be brought into a room of 20 other people that are interested in the same exact thing as you. Instantly, right there, like, you're most likely going to make a connection. But it also encourages you to go out of your way and try something new, and it gives you that skill to maybe branch out and say hi to somebody. But I would also just encourage them to just like go for it sometimes.

What does that mean?

My 9th grade experience, I didn't know anybody. I just moved from Massachusetts. And if I saw somebody that I thought looked interesting, I was like, all right, like, I might make myself look like an idiot, but I just got to go up to this person and be like, hey, like, what's up? Like, what are you doing? And I can assure you, the first time I asked them to hang out, like, that was awkward. I was like, so, like, you don't know me. We want to do something. And they were like, I guess. I was like, okay. And it's also nice to reassure your kids that the first person you meet isn't always going to be your best friend. So if they do meet somebody, just let them know that like you shouldn't try and hold on to them right at the beginning because they may not be the person for you and you will find your people.

Oh, that is so good.

I know. But you know what else is good?

What?

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Okay.

Where everyone seems to know each other and it feels like alone is written on my forehead.

Hmm. Hmm. Okay. Well, I can assure you that alone is not written on your forehead. I can promise you that. I can promise you that if people are passing you in the hallway, they are not looking at you and saying, oh, this person has no friends, this person's so lonely, they're such a loser. My advice to you, like I said a little bit earlier, is just sometimes you got to go for it. Not everything is going to be given to you, and the best way to grow or to have the best experiences is to put yourself out there. And so for you, I would recommend again joining a club, joining a sport, but also just if you see somebody doing something in the hallway, like let's say you are sitting in class and you look over to your right and someone's on their phone and they're playing like a phone game that you know and you really like it, just be like, oh, I love that game, like want to play it right now? Like let's do it.

How do you handle it when somebody like doesn't respond?

I wouldn't take it personally because you also never know what other people are going through. Maybe they didn't respond that morning because their dog just died and they're in a really shitty mood, or they're just a horrible person, which again, don't take personally because they don't hate you. They don't know you.

They hate themselves.

They hate themselves. But my advice to you is also just that you will meet people, you will have friends, and there are people out there for you. All you have to do is just take the first step and say something to anybody.

What about lunch? What about sliding up to a table and being like, hi, I'm, I'm new at the school, could I sit with you guys?

If you're new, that is the perfect way to sit with somebody that you don't know because you lead with, oh, I'm new, I don't know anybody, like, I just— you guys looked cool. And then honestly, it's kind of a compliment to them because you're like, oh, like, you guys look cool, like, I'm new, can I sit with you guys? And they'll probably say yes. And if they say no, then you know that that's the friend group to avoid because that's the clique that you don't want to be anywhere near.

Correct. Excellent. My son is a senior like you, Oak.

Oh yeah, senior year.

What's the best way to give him freedom but still get him to do chores? I mean, I'm gonna lean in and pay attention.

When it comes to— yeah, I'm not the best at doing my chores, I'll be honest. I'll call myself out. When it comes to chores, You got to put your foot down sometimes. But I guess it depends on like what kind of chores you're asking for. Like, are you controlling his life with the chores, or is it like, can you empty the dishwasher every now and then? If you're having him be your gardener every week and mow the lawn and plant your flowers and wash your windows and all that, maybe give him a little bit of a break. Let him run free a little bit more. But I mean, if it's like little things like clean your room, can you clean the kitchen for me today, do the dishes, many things that are only going to take him 30 minutes, I'd say you're fine.

So how do you get them to do it though?

I mean, you just got to put your foot down. Like, sometimes you got to be the bad guy.

Well, what I find with you is that getting you to remember to do it is impossible. Yeah, but asking you to do it— hey Oak, could you clear the table? Hey Oak, yeah, hey Oak, could you help me with this?

If it's like a right then and there thing, like if it's not like, can you do this in an hour, 'Cause I'm gonna forget in an hour.

But I do notice you're extremely amenable when I ask.

Yes. If you and I are face to face, we're sitting in the room and you're like, it's 5 o'clock, can you feed the dogs? Yeah. If it's right there, they will do it. Clean the table, do the dishes, they'll do it. Like if you're there watching them, they're gonna do it.

And let's say you're dealing with somebody who's got a lot of anger or grumpiness or has beef with their family.

Mm-hmm.

And so you as the parent, you ask them to do something. And you get attitude. Because I think as a parent, where I typically want to go is, I pay the bills.

Yeah, you can pull that card a few times.

I haven't. What does that feel like?

It's annoying. It's so annoying. But it's understandable. It is very understandable. I think what's always kind of nice is you're like, I'll help you out, I'll do it with you. When Dad's like, can you do the dishes? And I'm like, oh. And he's like, I'll do it with you. And then it makes it feel like less of a chore and a burden because you're getting the help.

That's true.

So that might make them a little less angry.

One of the things that I try to do is say things like, hey, could you help me out with this because I got something that I need to do over here?

Yeah.

Versus, dude, do the dishes.

You're gonna do the fucking dishes. That'll make him angry. But you just be like, hey, like, I really have to go do this thing right now, but if you could just do these dishes, that would be super helpful.

Great. Okay, this is from an 11th grader. This is an interesting Anxiety is consuming me and I'm so scared. 11th grade.

Um, okay, well, I think my first thing is that you're not alone. I think a lot of people feel it. I also have anxiety and it's very scary. It is very scary and it can feel very consuming. My anxiety— I'll, I'll give you a little peek into my window as what I get like. But when I was younger, I used to be very scared of throwing up. And so my anxiety morphed into this thing even nowadays that whenever I'm anxious, I just feel as though I'm gonna throw up. I never do, but I always feel like I'm gonna throw up. And It was very scary, and I felt very alone for a lot of it, and I felt very misunderstood. And my advice to you is that if it is feeling like you cannot live your life anymore, you should tell somebody. Tell a parent, tell a friend, just tell anybody. That is huge. That's the first step, because then you're not letting it run your life. You're showing that you're in control. You can tell people what's going on.

Can I ask a question?

Yeah.

So when you say you can't live your life, do you mean the anxiety is getting to a point where you're like opting out of doing things?

Yes.

You're managing your anxiety because you're so worried about your anxiety that you're like not living your life.

Your friends are all hanging out and they're going out to dinner and you're too anxious, so you're just like, I don't want to be anxious, like I don't want to go.

And that was you?

That was me. So that's when you should start telling somebody. I have two things I want to add on to that. You should seek a therapist. Therapy is great. I love therapy. I have a great therapist. And second is medication is also great. When I took medication as a kid, I was like, I'm different from everybody. I have to take medication because I have a problem. There's something wrong with me. But there's nothing wrong with you if you take medication. Literally everybody takes medication. Like, I take it. I take it all the time. Advil is like medication. Like, there's nothing wrong with you if you're taking medication. For anxiety. And honestly, if you're taking medication, you're going to be able to live your life better. You're going to be able to go out to that dinner with your friends. You're going to be able to go on that walk or that run. You're going to have a good time.

So do what you need to do to get the anxiety under control.

Yeah. And I recommend, if you don't know where to start, just tell somebody. Tell somebody and tell them everything. Don't leave some stuff out. Don't be like, hey, I'm kind of anxious every now and then. Like, be like, I am anxious and it is terrifying every day.

Great. And here's the other thing: the tools and strategies that are out there actually work.

Yeah, they do work.

And anxiety is a scary thing, but it's temporary if you follow the tools and strategies that work.

It is 100% temporary. Yeah.

Yeah. And you will feel better.

The best feeling, I can assure you, is when you look back and you're like, I was at a bottomless pit, and now I'm outside and I'm looking back at it, and I'm like, wow, like, I felt that way. That's crazy.

Yeah, you don't even— you can't even believe that you felt that bad. Do you remember Mother's Day a year ago?

I remember a lot of things a year ago. I remember a lot. I remember a lot.

When I was sobbing about the fact that we had sold our house and I was begging Dad to try to get it back because I didn't want to move here.

Yeah, I remember that.

And you three kids were here.

And I remember I, I like told my friends, I was like, guys, we're gonna move back to Massachusetts. My mom's Pretty sure this time, like, you should see her.

I was in a full-blown anxiety attack. What was it like for you as a kid to see me lose it, really have a mental health breakdown?

I think it was helpful and scary.

How was it helpful?

It's nice to know that your parents can break down and that, like, if you as a kid see your parent as this strong, super emotionally put together person, that's how you're going to see them forever. And when you grow up and you see your parent break down for the first time, you're gonna be like, oh my goodness, like, what? And so when I was a kid and I was young and I saw you break down and I saw you break down again in the future, I was like, oh, like, this is just what happens. People break down. Like, it's totally fine.

It's fine.

I was used to it.

You can't be happy all the time.

Nobody's happy all the time.

No. And life is going to be ups and downs. And I think you're right. It is helpful to watch the adults in your life process things and realize that there are periods in your life where you're going to feel like you're in a bottomless pit.

Yeah.

And then all of a sudden the clouds pass and things are sunny again, and that's just part of life.

Yeah. And you don't need to share like the nitty-gritty with your kids. You don't need to tell them everything that's making you upset or why, but, you know, let them in. Like, they are part of your family. They're there to support you. It's good to tell them how you're feeling and how you can be supported.

Yeah. My 14-year-old son is dyslexic and feels different and dumb and shuts down Instead of trying harder, help.

I like this question because when I was diagnosed with dyslexia as a kid, I felt the same way. I was like, I'm so dumb, like, I can't read. I can't believe this, like, I'm dumber than everybody. And I remember you'd be like, well, the people on Shark Tank are dyslexic. And I was like, shut the fuck up. Like, I don't care about the people on Shark Tank. They don't matter, all right? They could be dyslexic, but they're also multi-millionaires. Like, I'm, I'm 11. All right, what do I have? All right, I have $2 to my name. There's a lot of techniques and skills you can learn to make dyslexia more manageable. You are not dumb if you are dyslexic. What's actually happening is that— and correct me if I'm wrong on this— but like the scientific thing is that your neural pathways take longer to form. And so you can have the same strong neural pathways as other people, just takes a little bit longer to get there. Is that— yeah, is that right?

Basically, your brain wiring is a little bit different, and there are techniques and strategies that you can use. You basically had your dyslexia remediated because you just basically train your brain to wire and fire new neural pathway connections. And it's called Orton-Gillingham. That is the standard tutoring method. And so it's not about trying harder. And that's what is really important. Your brain learns differently. And because you're dyslexic, you have profoundly different talents.

Yeah.

You're being asked to sit in a classroom and do things that your brain is not firing to do. But I bet that you are way more creative than everybody else.

Yep.

I bet that you can solve problems in creative ways. I bet you are probably more talkative.

Yeah, definitely.

I bet you have much better spatial awareness, meaning you're phenomenal at video games and at Legos and about building things. And you're an incredible problem solver. And so understanding that you've got these unbelievable talents that developed because other parts of your brain developed. Yeah, that is a superpower for sure. And that's why so many entrepreneurs And actors and professors and people in the arts have dyslexia because by not having the neural pathways fully formed as it relates to reading and holding words in your mind and decoding words and also holding pencils and being able to write, you developed other parts of your brain. And that's a really cool thing. And so, first of all, I would say, stop saying, "Try harder." Yeah. And if you have not gotten the proper tutoring protocols put in place that really help, and other things really help, like being able to listen to books instead of reading.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I listen to books all the time. Yeah. Because like, I, I'm not the best reader, so like I'm a little slow, but listening to books is huge. That's great.

Yeah. And also being able to type instead of handwrite. There you can get the teacher's notes. There are all kinds of things that help. And, you know, I remember it was really interesting because you're an excellent math student.

Yeah.

But when professors or teachers require you to show your work, you basically fail because you can't explain the steps that you took to get there. Yeah, your brain has all these shortcuts.

I can't do it in my head, and like, I can write— I write down a few numbers just to remember things, but other than that, like, I can't really. So if you have dyslexia, you're not dumb. All right, what are you? You're incredibly powerful in other aspects that aren't the school environment. Yeah, and that's perfectly fine. Because school is not your whole life.

That's right. I love that. Here's another one. This listener wants to know what your curfew is because she has an 18-year-old high school senior who wants to negotiate a curfew later than midnight.

Yeah, if it's later than 12:31, just stay the night. I mean, for you guys, what you tell me, it's, it's not that you don't trust me on the road, it's you don't trust the other people.

Correct.

Because at 2 AM you don't know who's driving. You don't know how they're feeling, if they're intoxicated or not. And so if you want to go home and sleep in your own bed, you have to be willing to sacrifice the fact that you should probably be home by like midnight. Midnight.

Yeah. Yep.

And if you want to be later, just spend the night at your friend's house.

Well, and you know, here's the other thing. Instead of curfew, I think about safety and location.

Yeah.

And keep in mind, it really relates to where you live. We live in a rural area where there are no Ubers. And I am obsessive about the driving piece because I lost a family friend to a drinking and driving accident when I was in high school. And it was a really traumatic experience. And so I place more emphasis on being safe and on not driving than I do on the curfew and the drinking or whatever else the kids may be doing. I want them to be safe. And so that's why I say midnight. Either you're going somewhere and you have to come home by midnight, and that means you're not drinking, and you're not smoking, you're not doing all this shit because you're coming home and I'm going to be there, or you're going to stay overnight. And the same is true with our house. Nobody leaves our house. If you're coming to our house, I'm not policing everybody because all these kids sneak shit, but I get the keys and you're spending the night. Otherwise you're not coming, or your parents are picking you up. And they respect it.

They do. You have to enforce that though as a parent.

Yeah. Do you want to be the, quote, house that all the friends come to?

Oh my goodness. Okay. We are the quote house that all our friends come to. And honestly, love my friends, love them to the moon and back. And they love this house so much, in fact, that they just show up sometimes without me even knowing. Sometimes I won't be here and I'll get a text and they'll be like, yo, where are you? I'm here. And I'm like, I didn't invite you over. They're like, well, I'm here. I feel like that's more of a question for you. Because just like for me, like, I always love seeing my friends and like we are able to accommodate them. So of course I'd love to be the house to have them.

Do you feel any pressure or is there anything on you that everybody wants to be here?

I mean, no. All my friends have come here so much that they understand what works and what doesn't, what they can and can't do. It's gotten to a point where I don't really need to police anybody.

Gotcha.

And it's really nice. Um, and I, I mean, I'm a sucker for sleeping in my own bed, so, you know, if all my friends are coming over, of course, but But for you, it's your house. So—

Yeah. This is our third rodeo because you have two older sisters. And we lived outside of Boston when they were in high school. And the fact is, I would've loved to have been the house. I grew up in a house that kids hung out, friends were constantly coming and going. And we were not that house outside of Boston. We lived in a small farmhouse. It had a dirt basement. We didn't have a playroom or a separate room for the kids to hang out in. And our daughter, Sawyer, didn't want to bring her friends there, and all her other friends had basements or had, like, a playroom that became the teen hangout. We never were that house, and I was always missing the energy and the fun that comes when your house is the hangout house. And so I was really jealous of all the other families who were constantly hosting the kids. And so when we moved to Southern Vermont, one of the things that I really wanted is I wanted a place for the kids to be able to hang out without me being all over them or being angry that the music's loud or that they're trashing the place. And so when we moved here, I'm like, I am successful enough at this point at the age of 54 that I can afford to build a small outbuilding barn thing.

Yeah.

And so I love it because I love having the kids around because I didn't have that with our other daughters. And I also love it because because I've gotten to know them really well. And I also love it because it keeps you here. And I love having you around. And there's one tip, though, that I'm gonna give to everybody listening. I love having all the kids here, but I'm not your fucking maid. Okay? So, like, if I'm hosting you kids, don't turn me into your maid.

Which we don't.

No, you don't. And do not make me feel like I'm getting taken advantage of. And do not make a big mess for me to clean up. And so, I have sat all of Oakley's friends down. I've made it very clear, you're welcome here all the time. Time, and I have two rules. You need to leave this barn the way you found it, which means the trash in the trash, the counters wiped down, the shit put away that you pulled out, and you have to make the bunk beds.

It's a religious thing. Every morning after we wake up, we're just like, all right, like, make the bed. Like, there's photos.

Tell them what I did.

Yeah, so she actually did sit everybody down, and like, I actually fully recommend that. Actually, before I go on, I would like to say one thing about the, do you want the house? If you're not the type of person that doesn't want a bunch of kids running around your house, you don't have to be the house. Like, yes, if you want that and you can have it, go for it. It's so much fun. Fully recommend it. But if you don't want it, don't do it. It's not the end of the world. But to go on, you sat everybody down, you talked to them, and if you're worried that the kids are going to think you're the bad guy or you're evil, they understand that it's your house and you have a few rules. And my friends are totally fine with it. And so my mom printed out a step-by-step, like, photo thing that's in the bunk room still, and it's just there. I mean, we don't even need to look at it anymore because we know it by heart, but it's like, we wake up, make the beds, clean the room, and then, yeah, it's— it never takes that long. Like, it's always good. You'd think they're like interior designers. Like, they set the pillows up perfectly. Like, it's great, it's great.

But you know what I love about it is, first of all, when you have that talk ahead of time, I think teenagers and young adults respect you because you're respecting them. Secondly, they know what's being asked of them. So it's not a situation where they're having a party and you stomp in there and start screaming at people, which I've also done.

You have done that.

I also think when you say, "This is how you can be successful at my house," people want to do something to say thank you. You.

Yeah.

So I feel like I earned more respect, and your friends know how to be respectful in a way that I care about because of that.

Yeah.

And your kids will be mortified when you do it, but do it anyway.

They'll be mortified, do it anyway. But also, one more thing is don't make your kid do it, because if you're making your kid be like, guys, my mom wants you to make the beds, they're not gonna do it.

All right. Oh, I know we're going to get bombarded with even more questions after this. So we're going to do a part 2 because, dude, I'm only halfway through my stack and I know we're going to be bombarded with more. So you down for part 2?

I am down for part 2, part 3, part 4.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's go. I'm getting a lot out of this, actually.

I am too. I'm loving this. I love the questions. I'm loving the questions everyone's asking.

I am too. Thank you for all your questions, everybody. How do you get your son or daughter to listen to this?

3 things. 3 things. Okay, so trap them in the car. Like, you're like, like, going somewhere. Be like, turn this on. Like, let's listen to this. 2 is maybe they don't want to listen to a full hour, so find a 10-minute segment that you really like and just be like, can you listen to this 10-minute segment with me? I think you'd take something out of it. Like, it relates to something that I think you might be going through. 3, just say that there's a kid who's close to their age talking. In it and voicing his concerns and stuff.

Awesome. I love that. Another piece of great advice, Oak.

Thank you.

You're so wise. You must get it from your dad.

I think so.

I think so too. All right, well, in case no one else tells you today, I want to tell you I love you.

I love you too.

And I believe in you.

I believe in you as well.

And I believe in your ability to create a life that you love.

I do too.

Now go do I should do it.

Yes, you should.

All right, we'll talk to you in a few days.

Bye, guys.

Bye.

I think you should do— is the audio recording? Oh wow, we're in. We're in.

It's happening.

Gonna be doing this the whole time.

Don't you dare. Give me one good clap now. You want to do it?

Go for it.

You go for it.

It's all you.

I know you want to do it. Go ahead.

Okay. Ready? Oh my goodness. Sorry. I need to like burp.

Okay.

Perfect. Oh, perfect. Okay.

Thank you. Your hand is like coming into her shot.

Oh, this one?

Right hand. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. I'll make sure to keep my hand away.

Oak, that is so good.

What?

That answer.

What answer?

The one that you just gave.

To what?

I'm teeing you up to go into the ad break.

Wait, what? I'm so confused.

Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Stitcher. Look, if you've got prescriptions, the Walmart app is your place to manage them. Transfer your scripts, refill them, and have them delivered delivered straight to you. Migraines managed. Allergies alleviated. Dermatology— derma delivered. Ding dong! Is that your pizza? Nope, Walmart Pharmacy delivery with a refill. Switch to Walmart and manage your prescriptions in the app. The Walmart you thought you knew is now new. Delivery not available for all prescriptions. Exclusions apply. This Mother's Day, celebrate the mother figures in your life with Pandora jewelry. not just for what they do, but for who they are. The ones who show up, hold everything together, and somehow make everything feel possible. Pandora jewelry makes it easy to choose something that reflects your relationship and the moments you've shared together. And you can make your gift even more meaningful by adding an engraving in your own handwriting. A date, name, message, or something unique to you Because the best Mother's Day gift doesn't just say I love you, it says I see you. Find the perfect Mother's Day gift at your local Pandora store or online at pandora.net.