How To Set Better Boundaries For More Success In Your Life & Business (Interview with Terri Cole)

Okay, be honest. On a scale of 1 to 10, how good are you at setting boundaries? Boundaries with clients, boundaries with loved ones, boundaries with yourself. Yeah. In this exclusive interview with Terri Cole. Yes. The boundary boss herself and author of the book by the same name, you will learn how to create bulletproof boundaries and stop people pleasing once and for all. I'm a total people pleaser. The biggest misconception people have about setting boundaries and what boundaries actually look like. The three levels of boundaries you need to pinpoint in order to show up more authentically, feel less resentful, and cultivate deeper relationships and so much more. So keep watching. Hey, posse, what's up? It's Alex, and I'm so excited to bring you this exclusive interview with table, Terri Cole. So, boundaries, boundaries, Right? It has definitely become a buzzword recently, but what does that even mean? What does it look like? How do we actually set boundaries in a way that feels good and doesn't leave us clientless and friendless? Well, Terri Cole has got you covered. Terri is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss, the Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seed, and finally Live Free. So for over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay at home mom to celebrities to Fortune 500 CEOs. And she has a gift for making really complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that her clients and students can actually achieve sustainable change. And now she is here to share some of that wisdom with us with the Posse today. So this interview is actually a sneak peek of the exclusive insider training that she gave to my rainmakers, members of my high level mentorship program. And let me tell you, we walked away from that session with so many actionable strategies and empowering lessons that we can start applying in our lives and businesses immediately. And I really wanted to share a part of that interview with you. And we're even reading Terri's book, Boundary Boss, as our book club right now. So even if you're not in rain, feel free to join along. I will link Terri's book in the description below. And if you love these expert interviews and want to see more like them, then you know what to do. Be sure to, like, comment. Subscribe below, do all the things and don't forget to hit that bell to be notified when my next video goes live. Now here's the interview. Hey, posse, what's up? It's Alex, and I am so excited for the video I have for you today because it is not just a Normal video tutorial. Today I have an amazing woman joining me for an interview. Her name is Terri Cole. She is a licensed, licensed psychotherapist. She is a global relationship and empowerment expert. She is the author of Boundary Boss. And today she is joining us to talk all about how to set better boundaries for more success and satisfaction in your life and business. Terri, welcome to the Copy Posse. I'm so thrilled to have you here.

Thanks for having me, Alex. I'm so psyched to be here.

I love this conversation right now because no matter when you're watching this, we are recording this at the top of the year. So we are going to talk a little bit about New Year's resolutions and why setting boundaries at the top of a new year are so important. But no matter when you're listening to this, this conversation is so critical because I was thinking about this earlier. You know, the fact that a boundary is defined as this, like, very set limit or edge. They're slippery suckers. Like, they're a lot more elusive than they sound. And I think as your business grows, for everyone listening to this, as you start on your journey of entrepreneurship, maybe you're navigating a 9 to 5 plus starting your business, plus a relationship, plus parenting. And all of that makes it so much harder to set and honor our own limits and boundaries. And so that's one of the reasons why I'm really excited to have this conversation right now. But the first question that I have for you, Terri, I actually saw you post this on Instagram and I thought it was so interesting you shared that a New Year's resolution, without reflection is a wish. Can you explain what you mean by that?

Yeah, I've always been kind of thumbs down on the New Year's resolutions because they seem to be very forward thinking. Like, this is what I want, but our behavior, not to be a psychotherapist, but I am one. So our behavior, our past behavior is predictive. And so it's really crucial that we go and look at the last. Certainly business wise, we look at the last 12 months and go, okay, best practices. What's working, what's not, what needs to change, how, how is our profit margin? Like, what is going on with the business? You can have a wish. I want to make $2 million in profits next year. Yay. But it's only by looking back, you'll be able to understand if that's even a feasibility and what changes need to be made. So my feeling is all the good stuff that we need, all of the information that we need, like, actual raw data points exist in our experience. And so I don't say dampen your dreams. I don't say make it smaller, I say make it informed. Because that's. So I always have this process that I give every year, you know, at the new year, where it's basically called, what crap are you leaving in last year? And that's one of the biggest things, is being like, what are you tolerating? What are you dealing with that like, you should really be done dealing with? And that's important. And that's not the only thing we focus on. But we focus on what worked, what didn't, peak experiences, good and bad. So you're able to. We have to integrate our life experiences. This whole, like, you know, just basically, you know, drilling through the day, dropping, getting up and doing it again. That doesn't work because the insight that we need is in our past behavior. That's how we know what to change.

Yeah. And this whole new year, new you, it's like, actually, no, there's not this invisible boundary at, you know, midnight on New Year's Eve, where all of a sudden you're like, now I'm going to start doing all the things that I said I was going to do or start living my New Year's resolutions. And so part of. Part of what I think about a lot, and it kind of is along this vein of reflection, is I'm imagining that a part of getting better at setting boundaries is really identifying where you're not setting boundaries. And so you. You ask the question, like, what are you tolerating all of that. What are three signs, let's say, of where, of how to determine whether or not you are setting boundaries, or three signs that you're not setting boundaries. How might you feel or what might show up for you?

Well, let's start with what boundaries are. Because actually, it's funny, you said you have this preconceived notion. Not a preconceived notion. You shared a misconception that's out there about boundaries. Like, they're all like, no. Oh, verbally punching people in the face. I'm saying, no more rejection. It's my way or the highway. Right. It's obviously none of that works, and it's not that, but we do have this fear that it is that. So I like to always establish, what are they? So according to me, your boundaries are. I want you to think of them as your own personal rules of engagement. Right. Letting other people know what's okay with you and what's not okay with you because they can't know it because they're not us. And we always make this positive projection assumption that other people are really like a lot like us. You know what you find out in the world, they're really not. And that doesn't make them better or worse. That just makes them different. Right. So your own rules of engagement and. Yes, exactly. Faith. What they're made up of is your preferences, your limits, your deal breakers. So preferences, limits, deal breakers. So this is why I also talk about boundaries. They're not all made the same because they don't all hold equal importance. A preference, coffee over tea is not the same as a deal breaker, like infidelity, let's say, in a relationship. And we all have our own preferences, limits and deal breakers. And here's the reason they're important in your business and in your life. Because they're not just the things, those things, they don't just make up your boundaries. Those are the things that make you uniquely you. So this whole idea, certainly in personal life and women in particular have been sort of conditioned to be like the good girl, the pleaser, the I'm the cool chick. Like whatever works for you guys is Ray for me, like, like having no preference is. Is preferred or like our preference is like a burden on someone else. And this, the shift in perspective there is that when you don't tell people your preferences, because my therapy clients would be like, but it's not a big deal. I'm like, I'm not effing saying it's a big deal. I'm saying your preference matters. That's what I'm saying. This is how we negotiate in relationships where your partner says, I really want to have pizza tonight. And you say, I'm really not doing carbs, so I would not like pizza tonight. I would like a big salad. We negotiate for what we want. Does that mean that we never compromise? Of course not. But if we're always self abandoning, like under the guise of keeping the peace, where do you think that leads us? And where that leads us. We can go right back, Alex, to your actual. That was the longest way around the barn to get back to your question. I love it.

Oh my gosh, that was so good.

Is you said, how would you feel? How do you know? Well, how resentful are you and with whom? That's kind of how you know if you feel put upon. If you, if you find yourself saying, often this person's entitled, that person's entitled. I can't believe how selfish this one Is I can't believe how. Because a lot of times what happens is that. And this certainly happened for me in my life, like, why did I become a boundaries expert? Obviously, I was a boundaries disaster. Clearly, you teach what you most need to learn is what they say. And it's absolutely true in my case. But what ends up happening is instead of being able to go, I didn't set a limit with Betty, we go, betty is an entitled bitch. Betty is selfish. I cannot believe Betty would ask me to do that again. And you're like, people are going. I mean, we could just establish right now, people can and will ask you the most messed up things in life. In business, they'll feel entitled. They'll feel like they have a right. Now we can either be offended, which is such a mother effing waste of time. So let's just not. Who cares? Like, whatever, Betty. You know what I'm saying? Like, we're. We're not responsible. What we are responsible for is giving Betty the proper data. Because when we're not sharing our preferences, our limits, and our boundaries, like our deal breakers with people, we're giving them corrupted information about who we are. And then we're like, why don't they know who I am? Well, they don't know who you are because you're not letting them. And so the flip for me in my 20s was I realized through years of therapy that it wasn't about them. I know that. I know that. You know, Captain Obvious. That seems obvious. But it was about me. And instead of judging what I thought Betty's intention was, I could just have it be a clean experience, and I could simply say, I actually don't have the bandwidth. I know I helped you the last three times you moved. I actually don't have the bandwidth to do it this time. Good luck. Learn to say no. And so we get so mad. It's funny. You. I don't know if you guys know Kate Northrup. She's a girl friend of mine. Anyway, she's. She wrote a book on money and do less, make more, all that. Anyway, she's great. So 15 years ago, we were walking in the West Village. We were going to some event, and she's just complaining, like, about a Betty. We'll just say a Betty. I don't know exactly who it was, but it was like this. I can't believe she's asking me to do this. I've done so much for this person. Like, what is her problem? Who raises people like this? Like, 15 bucks. She's just Going off on this person and we get there. She reminded me of this in an interview we did, like two years ago. I literally had zero recollection of the experience. But. And she's. I turned. She said. I turned to her and said, yeah, Kate, she's got some nerve putting you in the position to have to say no. And she was like, oh, my God. That was kind of mean. But so right, Terry. You're right. Why am I acting like. Why am I acting like a victim and a prisoner? It never entered her mind to say no. She felt like she had to do the thing. Hopefully I said it with more love than she retold it. Maybe I didn't. I don't know. But the point is that that switch in perspective where you're like, let's stop asking the unanswerable whys. Who the hell cares why? Your client feels entitled to ask for things outside of the purview of the contract. Who cares why? What happened to them in their childhood is not your problem. They had a sister who was favored. They didn't get their due. What does that have to do with you? Nothing. And everyone will have their own why. But when my therapy clients will be like, or my coaching clients, but why would they do that? I'm like, here's the thing. Why do we care? Unless it's an important person in your life. Hey, if These are your VIPs, of course we care. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about other people where the. Getting all caught up in the why are they like. This is very much a way to avoid doing the thing that you must do, which is be honest. Share your preference, share your limit, share your deal breaker. And this can be done in a loving way, when it's appropriate, a kind way. If it's like Bob from accounting who's like a idiot, then it could be done with more heat. It depends on the situation. Right? But the bottom line is that you always have choices. So anyway, again, back to what you asked. Think about who you're holding resentment for and who. You've written a bunch of narratives about their selfishness and their self obsession and their self centeredness and then really look at that and go, did I give them an opportunity to step up for me? Did I give them the right data? The correct. The actual data of how I feel or how I felt about this or what my limits were? And if the answer is no, you might be shocked at how not Jerky Betty or Bob can be.

Right?

If you give them the information. But we make assumptions. We do all this projecting about how selfish they're being. And really, we're just mad that just like Kate was, that they're putting us in a position to have to set a limit. Right.

And being so fearful of being judged. Or I know for me, the. And again. Right. Why? Who cares? But it's this idea of letting people down. And I feel like. And I don't know if you. Because you mentioned that this comes up a lot for women. And I, I can. I feel that. And I can think of times in my life where I'm like, oh, that's. That's where that came from. But, yeah, this idea of sort of people pleasing because you're afraid of confrontation, you're afraid of being judged, you're afraid of letting people down. I feel like when I was in my early 20s, I don't know if I just didn't have the awareness or the empathy, but I felt like I was a lot better and clearer and had firmer boundaries than I am now. And I'm like, wait a second. This isn't something that just keeps building and you get better and better over time. I feel like new circumstances emerge that forced me to have to consistently reevaluate my boundaries. And do you notice that happening with a lot of, you know, entrepreneurs especially?

I think that, you know, Alex, what you probably were experiencing is, you know, in our 20s, we're just like, doing it. We're just like going through life like there wasn't. Even though I'd already had quite a bit of therapy at that point in my life, aging creates more space and more desire for self reflection, especially in the space that most of us are in. So I don't know if you were. You thought about it less then. But I think that self reflection is something that grows as we age. And the stakes are higher now, especially when we're talking about business things like there is. There's. It's difficult to set healthy boundaries in our personal lives and for some people, and I was one of them as well, difficult to do it. In my professional life, I was a talent agent before I became a psychotherapist and then before I became. Then created a public platform and all the stuff that I have now. And that was also. There was a lot of people pleasing there in a business that had very muddy boundaries. But we were all in our 20s. My clients were. The casting directors were. I was an agent. You have power over people, but you're socializing with people. It was. I mean, there were so many showmances and God knows what, like where boundaries crossing left and right where you know, I was really concentrating in therapy during that decade of understanding why it was so hard to say no when I wanted to say no and what the people pleasing was about. Why? I mean think about this I would care about. It wasn't just the people who I loved that I cared about what they thought. If I found out that someone I didn't like, I already didn't like Betty. And if I found out that Betty said something that meant she didn't like me, I'd be like, why? I didn't do anything to Betty. Everyone likes me, I'm nice. Like, like, talk about the extreme of like super, why the hell do you care? So instead of why does Betty not like me? The real question that was most revealing is why did I care when I did not prefer that person? And it was that, you know, is the disease to please. That's all about people pleasing where there isn't enough adoration, there isn't enough over functioning, there isn't enough gold stars in the world to do what needed to happen there. At least for me, because it was all about self love. It was all about knowing myself, shadow self, all of that work that I had yet to do and that I was in the process of doing. Like there's no amount of success that can fill that space inside of you that only self love and holding yourself in high esteem can fill. And that takes time to actually analyze. What do I think I'm worth? Do I think the way that I feel matters? I think this is probably the biggest takeaway when we're talking about personal and professional boundaries is that start from the assumption that how you feel, what you think, what you want needs to matter to you the most more than anyone's. Your partners, your business partner, your subordinates, your boss. I don't care who it is, it must matter to you the most. And if that isn't the case, that's where you start. Because we need to look at why. Because if not, then we're seeking that, that sense of self from somewhere else. And of course that leads to super disordered boundaries.

Oh my gosh. Yeah. The way you explain it is so it's so simple I don't think I've ever really grasped especially the levels, the preferences, the limits, the boundaries. Because what happens to me is I find myself like that's a boundary and then I, I'm so willing to compromise and then I feel guilt about my, about making a compromise when I go, well Wait a second. Am I not honoring my boundaries, but realizing that there are degrees and figuring out what is a deal breaker and what, what absolutely is, is you not honoring a boundary. Because I was thinking about it earlier and I'm like, okay, I'm really good. If, you know, in my freelancing business, before I started the Copy posse, if a client came to me and said, I need this by tomorrow, can we hop on a call at 7am to review it? It's like nothing in my body felt guilty about saying no, but I will set boundaries. Or I guess with myself, like, I'm not going to work this weekend. And then I work and I'm like, what am I doing this for? Why is it. Why is it easier for me to say no to others in certain areas, but then so hard to say no to myself?

And you.

And you use this word self abandonment, and I'd love for you to talk a little bit more about what that looks like because I think, I think it's an interesting concept and something that probably a lot of us do more often than we think.

I mean, every time you do crap you don't want to do, and I don't mean when we're in relationships, when we have families, like, obviously we're human beings in a civilized society, we're going to do some crap we don't want to do. This is just. Or you're not going to have any friends or a partner or a business. Right? So it's. But I mean, mindfully. As long as we are mindfully choosing those things, I make a compromise. My husband likes to go see live classical music. I definitely don't, but I really like him and he really likes it. So therefore I get dressed up and we meet friends and I go. And sometimes a movement, they don't go on a song. A movement can be like an hour long. I want to just blow my brains out, but I'm like literally poking him. Like, are you. You could have warned me. If Mariah Carey was going to sing a song that was an hour, I'd at least tell you. Anyway, point is, we make sacrifices, compromises. We meet in the middle in our relationships, but self abandonment is when we are. That's like first stop on the train. Where there's any pushback or we fear, we project. This person's not gonna like what I'm saying. I'm gonna literally change what I'm saying. And for those of you who are empaths, oh, we see it. Literally, there could be like a micro change of a Facial expression. And suddenly you're like. And what I was saying is that that does work. Okay. Like suddenly you're literally changing what you were going to say because you're so energetically dialed into other people. And what happens when you become a boundary boss is that you realize you are not that fragile. Your relationships are not that fragile. So if you see a micro shift in someone's face, they don't like what you're saying. Too bad, like everyone's gonna be okay, nobody's gonna die. And the repeated action of self abandonment, that will create martyrdom. What do I like to say? That is literally a one way ticket on like the slow boat to like bitter land. Because there's no other stops on that thing. If we keep self abandoning where we're prioritizing other people's wants, needs, desires above our own, really sometimes we'll say it's like, I'm taking one for the team. And maybe sometimes you are right. And as a leader, you know, sometimes we do, we must do things we don't want to do. But there's all these ways that we justify tolerating things that when you're a boundary boss, you know that that's not loving, that's not driven by love. We're not doing it because we want to be nice, saying yes when we want to say no. I mean, think about it. Is that nice? No, that's straight up dishonest. That's it. That's it. So that person now thinks that whatever it is that happened between you, that moment, that experience, that that's good with you. And in your mind you're like filing it in the bitterness file cabinet. Just the resentment file cabinet of, you know, reason 7440, why Bob's an asshole, right? Like we, that is so heavy to carry and we don't need to. And what so many people from the book and courses, my mastermind have told me, like the biggest aha's around, really becoming masterful with boundaries, is that like the world didn't stop spinning on its axis and that how many people in their life were like, oh my God, thank you so much for sharing that with me. Like that really means I feel loved by the fact that you had that hard conversation with me or that you handled it rather than just ghosting someone or even just letting someone go, right? Even just having to let someone go. Doing it in a way. I mean, it's like literally my least favorite thing as a business owner to do because I always fall in love. Like we spend so Much time together, gotta do it, have a real conversation, tell the truth.

Yeah. And there's something when we flip it and we think of the people who we know in our lives who are really good at communicating their boundaries, there is a safety there because you're like, oh, I know how to interact with them because I'm not worried that I'm going to do something that's causing resentment that they're going to hold on to. And I don't even know about it. So it does really create like if you flip it on. On the opposite, you go, no, I actually enjoy being around people who are really clear on their boundaries and so they will feel the same way when you yourself can get clear on that.

And I think that's that it's so true. That's such an point though, Alex, about who are the emotionally trustworthy people and they are the best boundaried people. Because you're not guessing right. You know your friends who are people pleasers. You know them when they're like, I'll definitely be there for New Year's Eve, no doubt. And then in your mind, or I will say to my husband, oh yeah, you know, so and so said they were coming. So it's like there's like a 48% chance she's going to show up. It's fine. I mean, we accept people. But here's the thing. If you're a people pleaser and you're doing that in your life, everyone is the worst kept secret. You're the only one who thinks that people don't know people do not trust you because you're actually not trustworthy.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Oh my gosh. Totally.

Yeah. So to everyone listening who wants to become a boundary boss, what are. I'm guessing it's identifying your, you know, your preferences, your limits, your deal breakers. What's an action step that everyone listening here today can take with them and go, okay, I'm gonna start moving in this direction so that I can start getting more, you know, better at. More better. Better at talking, at setting boundaries.

I think the. A really good place to start is for people who just feel compelled to give an insta yes to others. When someone's asking you to do something and in your mind you're like, nope, like there's no way I'm going camping. But you're like, sounds great. Let's talk about tents.

I love sleeping in the woods.

Yeah. Never. Don't want to sleep in the woods. Not today. Don't want to glamp. Don't Want to camp, don't want to do. No. But anyway, you. We can, what we can do is we can buy time. And instead of the auto, yes, we can buy time. Because it can be, it can be confronting. If you're someone who's, everyone's used to you being like, yes, yes, yes, it can be confronting. Just you don't want to suddenly be like the no, no, no person either. Right? Because then anything that's all the time is not real. But what we can do is we can buy time. So commit to the next seven days. No immediate yes answer to anything. So we're starting to train the people in our life differently. You've trained them. What they expect from you is what you've taught them to expect from you. So if you're someone who always texts right back, no matter what, that's on you, right? If you're someone who leaves your phone, listen, if you do not have teenagers and you leave your phone on at night, okay, get into therapy. Because there's literally no reason in the world you would need to do that. I mean, if you have teenagers or kids, you know, there's an ailing parent, sure, but there's got to be times when you protect yourself. When we buy time by saying, someone asks you, you're going to have like three things you're going to say. If they're to not say ncs, you're going to say, oh, hey, you know what, I need to check my calendar. I'll get back to you. Oh, hey, I've created a 24 hour decision making policy, so I'll let you know, for my sanity. So I'll keep you posted. Or I need to check with my partner, my whoever, my roommate, my dog, whoever you're checking with to check your availability or if they're asking you to take on more work, you can say, I really need to look at what's on my plate right now to see whether I can honestly and fully commit to doing that. I'll get back to you on Wednesday. So we buy time because here's the thing. It is so much easier to come back and give an authentic no when you haven't already given a bs. Yes. Yep.

And the other thing that I have really had to work on, and I don't know if this is the Canadian in me, and I call out some of my team members who are chronic apologizers, but when you say no, do not use the word sorry or sorry if you're American, like, like it's, it's like in our DNA. I Don't know if it's. If it's a common thing, but I think women are probably worse at it than men are as well. For other reasons that you talked about earlier. It's just this. Sorry, I really. I have to say no. And it's like, you know, stop apologizing.

And stop writing a dissertation like nobody needs. You don't need to write an effing thesis and why you're saying no. And here's the thing. When we do, it makes other people mad. Like, it makes them feel like they have a right to be. Like, why so many words. Why is she talking so much? Why is that? Where if you come back after the seven days of not giving any insta yeses, when you come back and say, actually I checked my schedule and we're already committed on that night, I hope you guys have a great time. Don't even tell the person what you're committed to unless it's a friend and you want to. Right? We can provide context when we need to say no to people who matter to us. If my best friend has an important thing that she wants me to come to, but I have an important meeting at 7am the next day and I can't be out late. I'm not just going to be like, I'm not available. Bye to my bestie, obviously, because that would make no sense. I will give context. Like, you know, I would be there and I'll be there in spirit. But I have this 7am thing that I have to prepare for, so I can't. We share information for. Because when we want to be more deeply understood, but we need to make sure that we are making a distinction between providing context to be more understood and convincing the other person that we have a right to say no or that our no is good enough. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, I love that. And I think that that's so important too, the context. Because every now and then you, let's say we'll ask someone a question and they'll get back to you in a way that feels like, oh, they just read a book on boundaries or something. Because there's. It feels performative almost or like. Or harsh or there's a disconnect there. So it's like kind of using that social awareness to be like, you can say no in a way that feels good and makes sense and you don't have to keep. Keep kicking. This is another thing that I've been guilty of in the past is I want to say no. And so I go, oh, I'll check My schedule and I get back to you and then I go, it doesn't look like it's ok, but I'm like no, it's a no. For me it's a no. Now it's going to be a no. In a year it's no. And so really being like don't kick the can, don't apologize and just really fully standing in your power as no, I'm good, thanks.

It's so true. Kicking the can is the worst because you're like, oh look, I'm just keeping this uncomfortable feeling going for another three weeks until the person comes back and asks me the same friggin thing. And I'm gonna have the same friggin answer because I don't wanna do it. How about just know?

Yeah. Yeah. So that's all of your homework. Everyone listening to stop saying instant yeses. Instead buy yourself time. No apologizing, no kicking the can if it truly is a no. No is a complete sentence. I love saying that. And so this has been so helpful. Terri, thank you so much for joining me on my channel. Where can everyone listening go to find out more about you and the amazing.

Work that you do? Why thanks my friend. If anyone wants to take a free quiz, they can go to Boundary Quiz and this will give you your archetype. So there's different ways that boundaries are disordered, right? It could be you're a pushover, but it could be you're an ice queen. Right? There's different ways that it shows up. So anyway, that's boundaryquiz.com it's only 13 questions, but it's actually really pretty predictive. And you can go to terricole.com that's my website, to see what I'm up to. I also have a podcast, the Terri Cole Show. I have. I'm always hanging out on Instagram. Just Erricole.

I love your Instagram. I get so many nuggets of wisdom from your Instagram channel. So all the content you share is absolutely incredible. So Terri, thank you so much and can't wait till next time and have a great day. Chat with you later. Bye. All right guys, if you enjoyed that video, make sure to check out the next one from me right here. And you can click right here to get a free gift. From energy vampires to late payers, nitpickers, low ballers, passive aggressive commenters and impossible expectationers, when it comes to dealing with those difficult clients, how do you set and keep boundaries?