Cultivating True Happiness through Meaningful Connections

As you get older, you really start valuing your relationships more. When you're a little bit younger, you kind of, you know, you can hop from one friend to another or one relationship to another at times. And even familiar relationships, you just don't necessarily, you're like, whatever, I'll see you later. But over time as you age, you're just like, oh my gosh. I love just being around good people, whomever that is, people that make me laugh, people that provide me with like insight and that challenge me. Because you know, one of the main things for relationships is to evolve and grow. And I think that if you're around people that are always like minded, you lose out on that opportunity to really get to a heightened level in your life. Because we all need to be challenged sometimes. You know, we all need to have a clear understanding that what we think at this given time may very well change in five or 10 years. And we should be open to that.

Tamika, I'm so happy to be here with you.

I am excited to be here with you. So thank you.

Thank you. This is going to be awesome. Something stood out to me, a viewpoint statistic that you shared that entrepreneurs are, we're working on big things, but only 14% of people are truly happy. This, when I read that, I was like, oh my gosh, isn't that nuts?

Like, that was a study that was done recently from the University of Chicago and it said that only 14, 14% of Americans. Let's make sure that we clarify of Americans report being very happy. And I think that, I mean, to be completely honest, it's surprising, but it's like not so surprising, especially coming out of COVID and everything. But I think a lot of times we're just in this space where we want to reach happiness, but we don't really know what that means. And I'm a strong, strong believer in connections, whether that's with yourself or with others and building just quality relationships and that being the source and the foundation for you to build true happiness.

I love that There was a study that also came out. I think it's a multi decades long study that Harvard recently completed about relationships being peace.

Yes, yes. I'm actually reading the book and can't even remember what the book is called, but it's about happiness and it's like long. I think it was like 50 years or something like that for the Harvard study. And it truly is. It follows a group of different diverse individuals throughout their entire lives from like childhood on and just showing how you shift different people shift through their lives, whether it be relationships through with colleagues, with your partner, with friends. And ultimately there are several people that are entrepreneurs or just really career oriented in the book. And they initially thought that that was the source of happiness for them. And over time they grew to recognize that, yes, that was a piece, but ultimately it was really being able to go home or spend time with their colleagues, spend time with their partners, spend time with their kids. Those are the things. And we all know memories are irreplaceable. And ultimately that's what it is. It's quality relationships that build a sustained long term happiness.

I love that.

It's deep, right? I love it. I'm just like, I love. It's so interesting because, you know, growing up, one of the main reasons why I'm so passionate about relationships. I'm sorry, because you may have a question, but I was just thinking. But one of the main reasons why I'm so passionate about relationships is because I lost my father at a very young age when I was 13. And you know, I'm a single, like I'm, I'm the only child in a single parent household. And it's one of those things that you have to start kind of figuring out who you are, right? Because you have to connect with yourself, especially being an only child. So I really had a bond with myself, but I really wanted to like, bond with other people. And I valued relationships so much more because I'm like, oh my gosh, anything could happen at any given time and I really want to ensure that I have these fruitful places to go and I have these experiences where I never have to say, oh my gosh, I wish I would have said, or I wish I would have more time to spend with this person or that person or whatever it may be. So that just grew over time, you know, losing someone and just recognizing like, I appreciate the people that I have so, so much. Because, you know, life is short. We've heard it several times and it's cliche, but it's real.

It's so real. And I just had goosebumps. And you actually answered the question that I was wondering, which is where did your interest, your enthusiasm, your desire to explore relationships and impact on the other areas of our lives, like happiness, increasing income, improving overall health? I mean, yes, benefits to relationships are expensive.

Yes. And I think, you know, it's, it's one of those things too. I always tell people, like, especially in the entrepreneur and market marketing world that I'm, that's my background. Is that like the universe will naturally test you and what you teach. So whatever it is that you are super passionate about, like I'm passionate about relationships and I have been through some struggle, struggles, okay, relationships. Because I feel like the universe is testing me to ensure that like this is really what you want to not only teach but you have to have a clear understanding of what it means to be in quality relationship with others. And you're absolutely right. Like, you know, it's all about, it's not just happiness, it's about you being able to make more money. Because when you have the support and you have, and you know there are studies about how you become like the people, the five closest people to you. And that's so true. So if you're around, you know, people that are unmotivated, you're going to be naturally probably unmotivated too. And you know, I think it's, it's career oriented, it's making money, it's being healthy, it's all of the things. And you know, I can run my mouth about it all day.

So I am loving it. And you know, a thought came to mind as you were speaking that in the last year or so my self care game has gotten really strong. I put an emphasis on it, I was doing work around it and I've always been keen on self care but.

I was like, okay, I've got to.

I've got to strike a different relationship here. And as you were describing, I'm like, oh, part of the reason it changed is because I, when we moved to Kochi bar, got in community with people who very much had an interest in health and wellness. Oh my gosh. And one of those people who had a strong impact on me and my husband has moved away and oh, it changes the game. I'm like recenter and refocus because that relationship and connection is gone.

Yes, yes. It's so true. I think, you know, it's, you just recognize and I think I always tell people over time and as you get older, you really start valuing your relationships more. When you're a little bit younger, you kind of, you know, you can hop from one friend to another or one relationship to another at times and even familiar relationships, you just don't necessarily, you're like, whatever, I'll see you later. But over time as you age, you're just like, oh my gosh. I love just being around good people, whomever that is, people that make me laugh, people that provide me with like insight and that challenge me. Because you know, one of the main things for relationships is to evolve and grow. And I think that if you're around people that are always like minded, you lose out on that opportunity to really get to a heightened level in your life. Because we all need to be challenged sometimes. You know, we all need to have a clear understanding that what we think at this given time may very well change in five or 10 years. And we should be open to that.

Yeah. This is so cool. I have so many questions and things.

Yeah, please.

In my head. And you meant first a little bit, maybe a challenging one is that you mentioned that you experienced challenges, relationships, even though that was a priority and a focus for you for a long time. What were some of. What was one of those or some of those key challenges that came?

Oh, man. I think a lot of times one of the main things for me is that maybe this is just me being a Virgo and me being an only child. All of the things I am very much either in or out in my friendships, like, there's no gray. Like I'm either black or white. And I think a lot of times I had to learn that what I was giving may not always be reciprocated. And I can't always expect those things. So I would say that more so than anything. When I was in my 20s, like, just going through friendships was just like the struggle. Okay. It's just like, why is it so hard for when I'm giving so much for people to just offer that back? And I used to be so hurt about it. And I remember I had a conversation with my mom and she was like, tamika, you cannot expect for people to be and do exactly what you do. You just cannot do that. And I was like, you know what, whatever, I don't want to hear that right now. But over time, you do learn that. You. You learn that just because you give does not mean that you're going to receive, especially from the same person. And I think that a lot of times, and one of the things too was back in that, back in those days, I wasn't privy to how to communicate my needs and expectations. And when people would let me down, I was just disappointed. Versus me being able to say, this is the problem, or this is what I would like for you to do. And this is why. And so I had to grow. And that was really a struggle. And of course, you know, dating, I can, you know, it's hard out here in these streets. Thankfully, thankfully, I am no longer single. But the thing is, is that even. Right, even in that world, it's like a lot of Times I was just, why is it so difficult for people to meet you where you are, you know? And a lot of it is self awareness and understanding who you're attracting and why you're attracting those people and taking responsibility not for the other person, but just your behavior.

So, you know, it's so interesting because I distanced myself from a lot of friendships because I couldn't show up for seasons of my life. Family stuff that was happening, health things that were happening different, like a season of entrepreneurial growth. I didn't feel like I could show up for my friend.

That's good.

So I separated myself and I, I had to really adjust my mindset similarly to. No, you can still build relationships. You don't have to be all out every day, all the time. On.

Yes.

And so that was like a big shift for me. And you probably would have been on the other side of that thing. Where, where is, where were you at?

Well, and that's the thing. It's like you have to recognize too that like you needed something different at that time, right? You needed someone to understand. You have to know what you need, right? And I think a lot of times people are not intentional about their relationships because there's a lack of self awareness and there's a lack of really feeling worthy enough of even like asking for what you need, right? Or even because the expectation is a little different. But really asking, asking and requiring is worthiness sometimes. And I think they're, you know, it's fine to be going through phases in your life where you may not be able to dedicate as much time, but you have to meet the people that are willing to do that. And even now I have friends, I'm busy, right? And a lot of times, like when I meet new people, I'm like, listen, I don't have much time for you.

Right?

Like, I love you, but don't get mad if I don't respond, okay? Exactly.

You know what I mean?

So I think now it's as you grow and as you evolve and you experience relationships that fall through the cracks because of lack thereof and lack of communication and all of the things, you get to a point where you're like, this is what I can provide for you. Is that okay? You know what I mean? Like, is that going to work for you? And even I remember when I was with, when I first started dating my husband, I was like, you know, one of the main things for me is that I need a lot of alone time. And I'm like, I've been in relationships in the past where I've said that, and people are like, okay, that's fine. And then when I actually need the alone time, they're like, what's. Like, what's going on? Why are you not responding like it? And he was like, oh, no, that's fine. He's an only child too, by the way. Which works out perfectly. But. But it was one of those things where up front, I'm like, this is what I. This is who I am. Can you provide and meet me where I need to be? Because otherwise. And it's. No, it wasn't, you know, me trying to take away from the time that we were spending, but it's like, I need this for me to show up better for you, you know.

That'S so good. As, you know, we think about. Define. There's a lot of talk about boundaries. And that was coming up for me about, what do I need? What can I give? And I don't always love the word boundaries.

Boundaries.

I've got some history there. I'm sure. I got.

I hear you. Verbiage matters, right?

Matters. But as people are thinking about, you know, hearing this and thinking like, okay, what is it that I need? What is it that I can give? What am I feeling?

What do you.

How do you start to explore that?

Yeah, I think a lot of it for me, and just for even my clients is let's have conversations about, you know, what. What you do on a daily basis, that lights you up. And a lot of times, when you pinpoint those things, you recognize that you need that. That time, no matter what, to do those things. And then you start figuring out, well, why do you need to do those things? What is the reason for that? And you start peeling back layers of, like, history and why those certain things are very important to you. And then you can create boundaries around those things. Right? And I think, like I said, the intention for relationships and just in life and just manifesting what you want. You know, I remember hearing something from Oprah. A lot of people don't realize that they need to be more intentional about every action that they take. We do things, but we don't know what the outcome is going to be. A lot of times with intention, you're like, I'm doing this to receive this outcome. And if you act on that, it makes it so much easier for all of your life. And if you don't receive those things, you're like, oh, then this wasn't meant to be. That's how I see it. If. If I'm not Then we're not aligned. Right. Something's not aligned within this space. And a lot of times, if the intention or the boundary is not met, then you have to think about how am I communicating. Right. And of course, communication is key in all relationships. And what does that really mean? That really means being very clear and concise about what you want and the why behind it. I always think about when you tell kids not to do something. A lot of times you'll just tell them, stop touching that. And they'll be like, you tell them why? Like, don't touch that because it's going to burn you. Okay. Don't touch that. Or don't talk to those people because that's a stranger and they may take you somewhere. You know what I mean? Like, so it helps provide context versus just telling someone, no, or this is what I need, and you must provide this. It's like you want people to get a better understanding of who you are.

Yeah. Because then the learning can happen versus just responding and reacting to what you're saying in that moment.

Exactly.

I can adapt because I understand. Yeah.

And, you know, dating is in that world. It's like, even now. And I've been with my husband for seven years. And it's like, we know each other because we've had to go through those, you know, the back. Like, we haven't met each other all the time. And it's like, you have to have those real dialogues. And a lot of times I always tell people when. When I first. When we were first getting to arguments, I was like, I don't want to get. I'm over it. Like, I'm out of here. Like, I don't have time for argument. Like, I was that person. And he's like, no, you need to sit down and we need to talk about it. And I was like, talk. Like, who has time for that? But the point is, absolutely, you need to be emotionally mature. And to ensure that you are building a quality, fruitful relationship, you do have to sit down and be vulner. And that is very uncomfortable. So I think a lot of times people resist those moments too in relationships when there's conflict. But when you're able to get over the conflict, that is when you reach the point of, oh.

Okay, so let's keep going with this because I am thinking, like, very specifically about my. My husband who's in the house right now. So I brought my volumes out just a little bit. And, you know, I love it. Well, sometimes want an apology for something I don't really feel Like, I need to apologize for that.

Right.

Not sorry. I am sorry for other things. Maybe I would just like you to say sorry. I'm like, I can't do it. Sorry for you, but I'm not sorry about that. Like, I think things could have been done differently, but this is unfolded the way that it did for these reasons. Yeah. And so this comes to mind. And then the other thing that comes to mind is when something happened, actually just a couple weeks ago, and he said, I don't feel like you're being very nice to me. And in my head, I was thinking, not being very nice, and I'm doing it on purpose. So I have not been nice. I am sure of it. But I didn't want to say, well, I'm not being nice because you're not being nice.

Right.

Because this field it. So I said. I did say I'm sorry about that. I didn't say, okay, let's reset. Like, I'm sorry for that. Let's reset. So I'm just thinking through, like, the nuances of every.

Yeah, I mean, I think that's funny. My husband always says that, too. He's like, you're not the type of person that says sorry. And I'm like, what sign are you? What's your sign?

I'm cancer.

Okay. Oh, you're all sensitive and stuff. Normally cancers.

I am, but, like, I react. I'm sensitive when. Hey, sorry.

Right? Like, no, but I. I learned. I think it's a little bit. To be completely honest, it's a little bit of an ego thing. You don't. Like, we got to admit. And for a long time, I was like. I mean, just like you. I'm not really sorry. I mean, but I think the thing that switched my mindset about that, and a lot of times I do this for my clients, is that the fact that he spills. Like, there's something missing from the situation, and it's really them just being sensitive about the situation and wanting you to recognize that they're feeling a little down about something. Especially. It depends on how it's approached. Like, if it's argumentative, that's different. But if it's more like. Like, why can't you just say sorry? Like, you did this? And I'm like, but I really didn't do it that way. You perceived it that way. That's me. But I think a lot of it, once I. Once again, it's ego, and I think it's recognizing that he needs something from me, and let me just rise to the Occasion and validate to a certain degree. That's really what's happening. Let me validate. And. And you know, they take a loss plenty of times where they're just like, I'm sorry.

It's true, Mika. I feel seen.

Right, right.

I love it. We are just scratching the surface. I know this conversation. You've mentioned your clients a couple of times. I'd love to hear and share with everybody who is listening right now about the work that you do, because this is like, there's so much more.

I know there is always something to talk about with relationships. So I do multiple things ultimately, but I have Couples Experience, which is an inclusive relationship company and we host luxury couples retreats. We have a membership community. We have a subscription gift box and then we're launching a relationship course. So that's one. One piece of the business. But I also do relationship coaching and it's all types of relationships one on one. So, yeah, there's multiple ways to work with me.

Where do you go on these retreats, the couples?

Oh, gosh, we've gone to some good places. So we've gone to France, we've gone to Italy, we have gone to Jamaica. Really? I just try to explore. My goal is always to create a space where people feel open to have fun, be in a new environment, to be transparent and meet new people. And a lot of times people leave with like couples friends and individuals as friends and. But I'm the type of. I always like to go places that people don't normally go to. Yeah, yeah. That's like experiential, you know, I love this. I. I want to come where you are. Okay.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. I was thinking of a few locations. Like when you're ready to come, take some retreats to the continent of Africa. Let me know.

I cannot wait. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Okay, this has been amazing. Where do people find you?

So our website is couples experience.com and you can follow me on Instagram at Tamika underscore jbp.

Follow Tamika. If you're listening to this and you got a nugget out of this or you had a little reaction to it and your ego timed in there, find us on Instagram and share the love. Tamika, any final words?

I just say, you know, in order to be happy, like the stat says, only 14% of people are very happy. One of the main ways to get to and reach happiness, more health, more money, all of the things is to have quality relationships. So invest in the time to really build good quality relationships.

So dang. Worth it. Thank you to me.

Love it. Thank you.