From Business Breakdown to Breakthrough: The Journey to Building Your Happier Self

One of the ways that we can measure what a person is really like is how they learn from situations. Even if they've completely caused a situation, even if they have like driven a truck into a tree and it was completely the truck their fault, how do they recover? How do they go, I've done this, I've learned from this, I'm moving forward. So I'm such a fan of that. But it starts with awareness and it starts with compassion as well. Because if we made ourselves feel bad about all of those trucks that we've driven into all of those trees, obviously a metaphor here, then we would never move forward. So recognizing that we are fallible and acknowledging that is such a huge part of this work.

What a beautiful conversation we are going to step into together with Ruth Kudze. Ruth is on a mission to support people to perform more effectively in a way that enhances their well being. She's got a new book out called how to feel better 4 steps to self Coach youh Way to a Happier, More Authentic you. She is a coach and she runs a training program which you will hear all about in this episode. She has been studying psychology and neuroscience since 1994 and uses this to inform her approach to coaching with a big focus on performance and well being. As someone who's always been a top performer, first at school, then in her recruitment roles, then in education, becoming deputy head of a large secondary school in her early 30s, it always looked like she was performing well. She worked hard and she played hard, but her emotional and physical health was not at its best so she looked for another way. Fast forward to today, she runs two businesses around her young family and has added to her expertise with PGG C assert in coaching as well as becoming one of less than 100 master certified coaches in the UK. But she came dangerously close to burnout during that time. Managing multiple businesses, having a young family and feeling responsible for paying a lot of salaries put pressure on her to do more. Can you relate? Have you been there? Ah, the do more be more cycle we get stuck stuck into can be a lot. A mini stroke in March 2023 was the wake up call she needed to implement all the things she talks about with her clients. Now she works less hours, her well being is higher and she made sure she got the right support to lean into what she needs. She embodies the work she does with her clients. As you look back and you hear this story and we step into this conversation, you you are going to be able to see how Ruth got where she is Today, the strategies, the techniques, the evidence based methodology she uses is truly unique and I am so grateful to be here with you as we step into this moment with Ruth. Ruth, it is so good to be here with you. Thanks for coming on.

Thank you so much for having me.

Oh my gosh. How are you today?

I'm really good. Yeah. I'm excited for this.

I'm excited too. What is awesome in your world right.

Now, do you know what? It's awesome right now in the fact that it is beautiful weather and I am in the uk, so anyone listening will know that that is not normal. It's becoming more normal. So it's beautiful weather and do you know what? It feels like we're at a point in our business now where we've got everything in place and planned and people listening to this might think, oh my gosh, like, don't you always? But there's definitely been times where we've been like catching our tail and it feels like we're just like, okay, we know what we're doing. We're like, it's like we've got into that rhythm and that feels really, really lovely. I'm taking my first two week holiday from the training business since it's been kind of at the level it's at in a couple of weeks. And I feel like, you know, we've. There's nothing really that, that people are going to need me for. And that's what you want as a business owner, isn't it? In a way, not to always be needed. That's what I want anyway.

That is a good feeling. You know, it's interesting. There probably been seasons in my career, in life where I'm like, no, I can do this, they need me.

But no, no, yeah, you got this, you've got this. And I definitely have that kind of. One of my directors said to me the other day, she said, sometimes you're like, you're really maternal in your energy and you're always like wanting to make sure that people are okay and everything's okay. She's like, sometimes you just need to be a bit more paternal in your energy and just let people get on with it. Yeah, that's, that's really true. But I just love the way that she said it.

Oh my gosh, it's so true. It's that balancing of energies and you gotta pull it all through at the right time. Oh, my goodness. You also, I know something else. You have good going on the launch of your incredible book. Yeah.

So that was, it's not even a month yet. And I was just sharing with you that we've, we're doing really well with sales. It's been stocked in physical bookstores and I think that's, you know, that that's like the amazing thing, people taking a picture of your book on, you know, like, oh my gosh, I just went to like in the uk, we have a store called WH Smith's which is a bit like, I mean, it's not really like Barnes and Noble, but I'll pretend it's like Barnes and Noble. But yeah, it's like a low grade Barnes and Noble and people are like, oh my gosh, Ruth, I've seen it and taken pictures and, and that just feels really real. So I think, yeah, it's, it's a big thing to get a book out there as well because it's part of you. It's like a. It's like a child. Ah.

Do you feel deeply connected to this book in particular?

Yeah, I think so. It's really interesting because this book took a long time to write. So I made the decision to write it four years ago. So I did. My first book was self published, wrote it in about six months and then I made the decision to write this and it took about four years and we got, we got a publishing deal and all of those things. But it took, you know, I think like this time last year I was going back to the publisher and they were saying that we need more of you in it. We need more of you in it. And I think that was the thing that I was like, oh my gosh, you need more of me. But actually in the end, it is exactly how it needs to be and the process and everything worked. It was incredible, an incredible experience.

It is a beautiful book too. I agree that what you pulled in of you, your story as well as the balance with the science and when you are talking through this is your amygdala and this is what it looks like and like, oh, seeing the visuals, I mean, the way that you shape story and science and the visual cues are really incredible. And I know the reviews also echoed that. So I'm seeing that other people are feeling that also, that you being in it is really incredible.

Yeah. And I think you always worry, don't you, that when you reveal like the real you that people are not going to like it. But what I've learned over time is the more that I actually reveal the real me and I say things like, actually, you know, I've got ADHD and I'm There people are just like, oh. And then they are like, oh, well, actually I've also got adhd, or actually, I really struggle with X or Y. Happens to me. So there's this lovely power of being. I think it's about, like being confidently vulnerable. So you're not sharing. Amy Porterfield says this. So you share from the scar, not from the scab. Because when you share scab, you're picking it and it's disgusting. But when you share from the scar, you can share that vulnerability. And that's just stayed with me. And I think it's so true that. So it's all about, okay, let's share the learning and the vulnerability rather than just sharing kind of the. When we're in it. Because then we don't want to have that clarity.

For anybody who is listening, wondering right now, what is this book? What are we talking about? The name of Ruth's new book is how to Feel Better. Four steps to self coach your way to a happier, more authentic you. So what you're saying is so aligned with that on the vulnerability, the healing. As you were writing this book and as you are writing the steps that you take people through these four incredible, clear, concise, actionable, powerful steps, how did you build and develop these? And how then have you built them over time in your life?

It was really interesting because I actually got the deal to write the book when I was going through a time in my life when I'd actually stepped back from my business, my coaching business. I was still leading the training business. We're going through, like, a lot of stress because we were buying our house and it took ages and we had like, at one point we had two houses in London and a flat as well. Like, that weren't, you know, we've got properties that we rent out, but these, these were just like empty properties. There's only four of us. We don't need two houses in the flat to live. So there was a lot of stuff going on and I went back to, you know, really basics, like, what do you do when you're stuck? And it's like, okay, well, first of all, you go, right, what is going on? You know, right, we've got houses in the flat. What do we do? And then you're like, okay, so then, then what? What do I. What do we need? And it was just going back to those basic steps that I've always used and I use with clients and then really thinking about examples and kind of the things that you need to consider going deeper at each level so actually writing this book was amazing for me as well because it was just, you know, when you're thinking and I guess everyone does this like, oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm writing a book about positive psychology and all of these things. I didn't feel great. Yeah. So it was really interesting.

How did that make you feel? Like, okay, I'm writing a book about how to feel better. I don't feel great. What did that bring up for you?

Oh my gosh. It brought up like, am I a force? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, all those things. But then what I recognized is actually I'm being really authentic because I'm not feeling 100% and I'm going through this process of not feeling 100% and actually that is what it's all about. So if I am able to go through this process, if I am able to feel better by doing these steps, then it's showing that it works. So it went from that I'm a fraud, I should be doing this to thinking about, oh, actually this is exactly what I need to be doing.

Mm, that's so good. Is your happiness set point naturally pretty high?

So it's really interesting because in some ways, like I think I'm, I'm an optimist. I am like, I'm always like, everything will work out, we'll always find a way. And everything kind of has worked out. Even though the way might have been a little bit like we might have gone like way, like way into the undergrowth. I used to live in Sydney and I remember I always used to walk to work in Sydney like, like through the undergrowth because it was quicker. And I remember like seeing a snake and stopping doing that. But I think that I go through undergrowth. It might not always be right, but I always think everything will work out. But I also think alongside that I do have really high expectations for myself sometimes and for what success will look like and what happiness will look like. And I've really worked on that because what I've realized is it's not the big thing. It's not the, like, it's, it's not, it's not the expensive holidays, it's not the, you know, I love holidays, but it's not those. It's the, like, it's a day to day moments. And that's a lot about what the book's about. It's about the joy. The journey is like always used to be delaying that as well. Like when I get to X, business owners always when I get To X. When I'm making six figures, when I'm making seven figures, when I'm making seven figures, I'm going to relax more like basically all you do is create a blueprint of working all the time, that when you get to seven figures you're still working all the time and you're like, what if I just created for myself?

What have I done?

That's what have I done?

And you experienced that. You experienced a season where you had rapid growth in is in one of your companies or would it be a department of your company?

Yeah, so, so I have like, so I've, I've had my own coaching business for about seven and a half years, but I've got a training business as well, which is nearly four years old. And that business in its second year, so its first year did six figures. Second year we hit a million. So we hit like seven figures. And so all of those like, I'll say it wasn't planned, you know, it was, it was amazing, it was brilliant. But it was also really, really hard because all of the things that when you reflect on you look back you're like, I knew that. But when you were in the moment it was like I was kind of running on a bit of adrenaline. It was 20, 21, so we were still in Covid times and it really, I had to actually I stopped and I've never done this before. I stopped like a mastermind that I was running in my coaching business. And I just said, right, I'm not coaching for a while because actually I didn't think that I was in the right mindset to coach. But also I got this kind of massive business and I wasn't running it that strategically it was just kind of running and there were lots of things that I learned and you know, along the way. So it, that was really interesting and a massive learning experience because of course you, you see all these things, you see people. I remember thinking, oh my gosh, I'd love to have a seven figure business and blah, blah, blah. And then you're like, yeah, but maybe I love, I love it and I'm grateful but actually, you know, it taught a lot and I think taking a step back was something I had to do for my own mental health too because there was so much going on. And I think sometimes we think that taking a step back people are going to think oh my gosh, you're not good enough or all of these things. But when you're kind of forced to, what you recognize is that most people are there Cheering you on and supporting you.

That's really neat. I feel as you were making that decision or as you started sharing about that decision, I don't think it was a real time. Right. But later, as I learned, like, you paused your business for a period of time, I thought, that is awesome. How courageous, how in integrity, how scary that must have been.

Yeah, yeah.

And did you have thoughts of. Like, what thoughts came out? Like, what's coming up for me is, what if I can't restart it? What if. Right. People aren't cheering for me? But you found they were. What, like, what came up for you as.

Yeah, yeah, what if. You know, I'd always, like, in my coaching business, I always sold out masterminds, I'd always sold out things. What if I come back and no one wants to work with me? What if those people that I've refunded and said, I'm no longer running this, are saying bad things about me? I mean, I used to worry so much about what people said about me, and I think I still worry a bit, but I'm nowhere near where I was. So there's lots of kind of, oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh. But what's really interesting is actually some of those clients who've been in my Mastermind, which I canceled, they then still came back and worked with me one to one later on. That was a massive thing. So, yeah, of course I was thinking, are these people ever going, you know, is anyone ever going to trust me? All of those thoughts were going through my mind. But actually, you know, when you reflect, many of these things are just not true. But we, we just tell ourselves all these stories. But yeah, it's. It's terrifying because as well, some people saying, oh, my gosh, are you still on the break? But actually, are you still on a break? No. Great, I want to work with you. Or I remember my coach saying, like, it's actually given me permission to have a bit of a pause as well, because she was going through a particular period in her life.

This is really beautiful. Okay, so you paused coaching.

Yeah.

Training company had rapidly grown and you refocused energy on the training company.

Yeah. So we had to. So we'd rapidly grown and that I had. So again, like, I. I'm a very trusting person. So I'm very much like, what you see is what you get. Actually, someone said, like, I can do all of this stuff. I'm like, oh, brilliant. Believe them. So what has happened is I'd recruited the wrong people into the Wrong roles. And the irony is that I used to work in recruitment, so I should have known better, but I didn't know better. So actually there was lots of going back to, okay, who do we need in what role? Job, like all of that kind of buildings, blocks of having a business. I had to go back and redo. And with that, I mean it took, I reckon. So it took probably from like September, it took a year, it took us a year really to get the right people in the right positions. So now in the last year, the only person who's left the business is somebody who retired, which was quite. I was like, please don't retire, you're amazing. But actually, you know, we have got stability now. People are happy and we're really delivering. But that took time. And I think it's one of the things that people don't really, really talk about because actually managing people is hard. And I've managed people in my court, in my like, education, well, my corporate world. But managing a team, when it's your business, there's so much. And when it's your business and you're growing really rapidly and when it's your business and you've got other things going on, you know, that is a different level. And I think, I think that what I, I also thought is I, I was like, oh my gosh, I am not good enough. I've made all these decisions. And then the more that I spoke to founders and other people, they're like, oh my gosh, I went through something similar and I think that was incredible because I felt like it was me. I felt like I'm never going to be able to do this. And then now I'm like, ah, okay, it wasn't me, it was just circumstances. I made some mistakes, I got things wrong. But we're all learning. And that's what I say to any client or anyone who works with me.

Yeah, bringing it back like to the self coaching of. Well, yeah, yeah, because you use everything that you go through. The self coaching model that you've developed. You were using it, it sounds like you were using it while you were writing about it. You have used it in the past, you've had the methodology. But then like, okay, how fascinating and very meta, but like, okay, productive. I love it. And so as you think about coaching and the benefits around coaching for you, for the people you see in your lives, I mean, in self coaching was one of the first things that I stepped into when I was running my. And I still use principles of it today. I've Sort of developed my own self coaching mindsets which you speak to like you're going to build your own model for self coaching yourself? Like yes, yes, I was nodding as I read so much like, this is good, this is great. So needless to say, for those of that are listening, I would definitely recommend how to feel better. Plus it's going to look gorgeous on your bookshelf. But how does self coaching help you and other like navigate all the things we're talking about?

It just helps you get awareness and perspective. So if we are not aware then we don't really know where to go. And I think with self coaching that often we like, we see all these things and we can become a victim and we can say, you know, things are happening to us rather than us playing a part. And when we self coach we start to recognize actually it's never as easy as that person's bad. I'm good. You know, we'd love to believe that, wouldn't we? But we're not five anymore. It is actually in that situation I recognize that maybe what I did here caused something here and actually what can I learn from it? And I always say that like one of the ways that we can measure kind of what a person is really like is how they learn from situations. Even if they've completely caused a situation, even if they have like driven a truck into a tree and it was completely their fault, how do they recover? How do they go? Actually I've done this, I've learned from this. I'm moving forward. So I'm such a fan of that. But it starts with awareness and it starts with compassion as well. Because you know, if we made ourselves feel bad about all of those trucks that we've driven into all of those trees, obviously a metaphor here, then we would never move forward. So actually recognizing that we are fallible and acknowledging that is such a huge part of this work.

I love the awareness plus your addition of compassion there. That's something that I've had to work primarily the self compassion to be in alignment. It's much easier here sometimes, like, but yeah, turning it around. What would you say is different with your coaching methodologies than others that are out there?

Because I'm like quite a geek and my background is psychology and so I've got psychology degree and masters and various other things. I'm all about kind of the evidence based but I'm very much around the positive psychology piece as well because that's what's really helped me like going to the actually basic like gratitude, like okay, so what am I grateful for? I'm looking out my window because we live opposite a forest. I love that. Like, okay, let's go into nature, let's look at that. Because actually when we look at a lot of these positive psychology processes, we're rewiring our brain, we're changing our neural pathways. So I'm very much about how can we work with our clients. And I know before we started we talked about how people have talked about things like visualization on here. So I won't go deeply into that. But I love that how can we help people step into this future version of themselves? And the science is that that absolutely transforms the way people see opportunities, they become more creative, they solve problems, they're more motivated. So for me it's like, how can we use like the research base to help people to feel better, but also to make better decisions for themselves and their businesses? And most of my coaching clients are business owners and. But most of my coaching is not about business, which is really interesting.

So good. What's the difference between the self coaching that you walk people through and how to feel better versus what people go through in your experience?

Oh, my gosh. So I think that self coaching is fantastic to a point. However, most of us don't go to the hard places. So first of all, having a coach really forces you to go to those hard places. So that's the first thing. So you can't hide. The second thing is that it's a really great reflective process so you're able to really see and recognize everything that's going on. I think that's really important because when we are being coached, our coach. So if I'm coaching, you will notice energy shifts like congruence between what we say and what else is going on. We can feel as well when we coach too, sometimes there might be something that someone's not saying or we might feel like there's something more we might do. So there's so much more that a person can pick up on on top of everything that we can do in self coaching. So I think self coaching, when you've got those tools, you can do it to yourself every single day. And it's amazing. I think that when you've got self coaching alongside being coach can just make you completely like, no one's going to mess with you. You're going to really get that clarity and that self awareness and move forward. I think that's part of the magic. That's good.

I love that. As, as you were talking, I'm like, oh, yes, you call it like, oh, there might be things you're hiding from, you know, yourself or what's being unsaid. Like, oh, yeah, there are some things I'm totally tucking away that someone that I would be present with would totally call me out on. Yeah, let's go there. So that challenge to go to the places that you need to go to move to the next level in that. I love that you mentioned reflection too. I'm a big fan of reflection and doing that in tandem with someone is beautiful.

Yeah.

Also talk about identity.

Yeah.

What can you explain how you look at identity and the power of that?

So I think, like, there's loads of people who've talked about people like James, Clare, and when we are wanting to change how we show up, we need to be clear on the identity of the person that we want to become. Because if we don't, then we have this kind of mismatch between our behaviors and actually what underpins them. So for me, it's about really embodying like, who do I want to become? And I remember early on in my coaching journey have it like really kind of asking myself that question and saying, like, okay, oh my gosh, if I was, if I was a seven figure business owner, what would I be doing? And I think I was better at being that seven figure business owner, especially at the beginning when I wasn't than when I was. Because I was like, yeah, well, I would be. Yeah, I would be, you know, relax. Yeah, I'd be, I'd be having time for me, I'd be doing this, I'd be doing that. And then it's like, so really understanding the things that you would be really understanding those behaviors, showing up and thinking about, going into that detail, like, what, what would I be thinking? Not only how would I be spending my time, but what would I be thinking? How would I be behaving? What would I be feeling? And I do it even. So I'm training for a half marathon at the moment and like, I love my bed, but in the morning I'm like, well, how do I want to be when I've finished that half marathon? Like, you know, two of my friends are doing it too, so I don't want to be the last person. Like, and then, okay, so what do I need to do? Well, I need to actually get out of bed and open the front door and go for a run. But it's, it's just reminding ourselves like, you know, I can stay here, I can stay in this identity, or I can Change. And I'm the person that is able to do that.

It's so good. Several episodes ago on the the podcast here, I shared that I was going through identity shifts and honestly, I am still in it. I haven't answered. I mean, it's been months, a couple of months at least. And I don't think I fully answered it. And I did a simple exercise. I grabbed my notebook and I wrote down identities I embrace day to day. Right now. Business owner was totally at the top. And that struck me because I was like, huh, Do I, do I want that to be at the top? And do I even want to identify in some of these ways? You know, that came up and then I reorganized it with all right, what do I want at the top? And mom popped right up at the top, which wasn't always right. True. And always something, but mom. And then other things weren't there. And I shared this with some of my clients and they're like, like, oh, I'm surprised, like, coach, mentor, consultant isn't on there. I'm like, oh, yeah, no, like, I do those things, but they are not my identity. Which hearing them play some things back to me was also really interesting. I was just sharing a simple behind the scenes and they shared like, oh, collaborator, maybe more like. And then they throw out some other things, like, oh, interesting. So it's as you think about that coaching relationship that we were just talking about going through these exercises, identifying in self coaching, like right through how to feel better in the four steps that you've got, and then getting in conversation with someone around them, a coach. I could see how that would be so powerful because I felt that it is.

That's so interesting as well, that our identity shift and we need to be like, aware of that shift. And as you said, when you reorganize it all and you're like, like, yeah, like, why is mum not at the top? And I think that's. That's a really interesting one for me as well because actually I started my businesses to be around my children more. And then there were times and I'm like, I'm around them. I'm probably not around them less because I was definitely not around them at all. Like the older one at all. It's a lot more different. But it's like, yeah, it. Sometimes we just get to places and we're like, why am I here? So it's really interesting.

And it was okay for a season, to your point. Compassion? No, like, that was. But it doesn't have to be. What is Forward. So reconciling that and then integrating and embedding the change. So you got the four steps, assess where you are, get clear. And everybody's just gonna have to go through these because it's so good. Make a plan to take you forward. And then integrating, embodying it, embedding the change. What does this look and feel like when you get there?

Oh my. Well, this feels like actually you feel secure in your identity and you have changed the way that you think, feel or act. So it means that you have taken that time and in taking that time as well, it's recognizing that some of that time might be you falling back, back out of doing things. I think this is part of the thing that we don't often see. We don't see the falling out. We think that it's always going to look a certain way. But actually this is about, okay, let's think about the long game. Let's, let's really change not just on a surface level, but let's actually behave in the way that is congruent with our identity. Let's show up in the way that we want to show up. Let's do those things that we want to do. Let's not just do it half heartedly and if we stop, let's come back and let's reflect and all of those things like it's everything together that make that difference.

Okay, so you mentioned you're moving through this change. You were writing, you paused the business so you could move through the feeling better. And what has changed for you in the last, in that journey and in that space?

I think there's been a lot for me around letting go. So I think that actually I've been doing all this work like what is an identity of, of a business owner that's making, that's making X amount. And then I'm like, well actually I need to embody that and I need to believe that now. I need to believe that we're going to grow and I need to be seen as a credible business owner. And that means me taking it seriously. And I think there was an element of, of that kind of stepping into being that person. So that's probably been my biggest shift in the way that I see myself and also the way that I don't listen to a lot of the noise anymore. I remember even like especially in the last kind of, in that year period when I, when we were going through a lot of adjustments, listening to a lot of other voices and then getting really lost in what actually was true and what was, wasn't. And now I'm like, like actually I'm listening to my inner voice and I am this person and I'm surrounding myself with other people who are doing great things. And that is about having the confidence to step into that identity and also doing the things that are congruent with it. Yeah.

What did you have to let go of?

A lot of. A lot of self judgment and self doubt. It was for me, it's always about me more than others. I had to let go of some of the things that I'd done that I wasn't proud of. But a lot of it was I had to let go of self judgment, self doubt. This feeling that I always needed to be on and working hard. That was a massive thing for me and I'm still working through it. And definitely we've got our two week break, which I said and then we've got. Got August is a quieter month for us and in September like we've got so much space. So it's about creating space and letting go of this need to always be busy. Yeah. Oh, huge.

And I think this is huge for. So I see so many people working through this right now. We had that experience, that global experience together and we got back to normal and now like, oh wait, I don't know if that's what it should look like. So I think your book is. Is so timely. I think the work you're doing is so beautiful for people to find you dive into this with you. Where do people go?

Yeah. So I am the only Ruth could see. Well, except for all the imitators on Instagram Ruth could see. So it's Ruth Kidsy K U D said I I've got a website by that name. I'm on Instagram and LinkedIn and Facebook on that name. And then you can link into Optimist Coach Academy which is a training school as well.

So dang good, Ruth, you are a gift. Your work is a gift. Thank you.

Thank you so much for having me.