Breaking the Cycle: A Mother-Daughter Sober Living Home Journey

My name is Andrew Lam and I run 15 sober living homes in California. I have the honor and the privilege of running a community called Sober Living Riches that helps hundreds of people across the country to start their own sober living homes. And every week we have a coaching call where we get to hear from our community and hear wins and I get to help coach them through the steps of starting their sober living home. And I get to hear amazing stories all the time of the difference that we're making, both the lives of our members, but also in the lives of the people that they house. And so I thought it was really cool when I heard this story from Dominique and Monique, who are a daughter and mother who are in our community, one of them running the summer living home, one of them living in the summer living home. And it was just too good of a story to keep to myself or inside of our community. I have to share it here so you can see the difference that sober living homes can make inside of communities, inside of families, and hopefully it inspires you to start or continue with your first sober living home. Here it is.

Hi, everybody. Super new also, but I think this is our. For me, my first month, me and my mom's first month, and we got started and really excited and was really ready to go and going through the videos and got some pretty crappy news that, you know, we lost a family member. So I thought, I think that kind of like put a little bit of a slowdown, but definitely was kind of the irony is, is that the person who passed away we were going to have as one of the first residents. So we're living home and so kind of, kind of more motivation that before more family has to start setting up funerals, we're going to make sure that we don't delay putting off opening up these homes because, you know, there's always that little part of you that thinks, ah, we got started. I think she passed away and it was honestly because she didn't have a sober home to live in. If we can be so honest and really just thinking, like, man, if we would have. When I thought of started or jumped in, everyone's always wondering, like, when's the best time to get started? As soon as you think about it. Because it's a certain type of person that can even be in this environment in the first place. And let me tell you how much knowing how like this touches our family, right? Just telling our family we were doing and a lot of them were like, gasp, why? And it shocked me, like, what do you mean why? This touch is like, come on, we all. What do you mean, why? It's very funeral. Hello. What do you mean, why? And they're just like, yeah, but that's a whole different type of world, Dominique. And. And I was like, and this is the problem. I guess. So then it's kind of like a reconfirmation of if it ever got on your heart in the first place to do it, you're the exact person who should be doing it. Jump in right now.

Right.

And then to be able to find, like you were saying, oh, it's interesting how people find us. I started doing. I started looking into doing this some months ago when my mom moved in with me from Ohio, needing a sober living home. And I didn't have one, so I made mine one.

Yeah, yeah, you did that.

And in the background.

Oh yeah, in your hand is exactly what she's doing. She's eating right now. But if she wasn't, that's exactly what she'd be doing, right? And so I was like, okay, if. If I don't have one, right? I'm just a single mom and I graduated and was working and I don't know how to get it all together, but maybe it's just that AI is listening to me or my chat. GPT is like, let me just send someone your way on Instagram one day. Mind you, I'm never on social media, so I just happened to be scrolling one day and I came across. Who's the tech partner in Toronto?

In Toronto I call tech partner.

That's so terrible. The guy's name in Toronto who works with you.

Hayden.

Yeah. Aiden.

Yeah.

Okay, so that. Call him tech guy.

Yeah.

Don't tell me. I hope he's not on scope. And I thought it was funny because we're from Buffalo, so I'm actually, I mean, yeah, we're in the US but I'm closer to him than you. And I was like, wow, it's just meant to be. But of all the people. I'm scrolling and I see. I was just watching a video and he was talking about turning your home. And what he was describing is kind of like what I had already done for my mom. But I think getting starting a sober living home and being in one, like turning your own home into one, opens your ears to things that you really wouldn't be aware of if that's not your lifestyle. You know, I was adopted when I was 12.

12?

Yeah, 12. Just before my 13th birthday, my mom lost her rights and due to a whole bunch of environmental, she didn't have a safe place to go to. All of us were dispersed. Now, all of the family didn't have that happen. So even though drugs had impacted the family and other cousins, they were able to get those kids and replace them with grandparents and, you know, but it just so happened because of a. Because God is a God and we don't have to understand it all. We went into foster care and somehow it wraps back around years later, 18th birthday. 18th birthday, I call her and I was like, hey, so are we ready to be sober now? And she's just like, yeah, this week, sure. And that became a long distance, working together process. And at one point I think I learned what the impact of why this needed to be seen as mental health and not just of a lazy person or someone succumbing to getting out the easy way or numbness. Right. Why this is a whole. You have to like, understand the humanity behind it all. There's so much more humanity behind it all. And even though I have all these siblings, we all approached our mom differently. But for me, right, I said, if you have that heart, you know it. I was just like, hey, girl, let's work this out. Okay, so we're over on the long year plan. Okay, cool. You're gonna stay there, I'm gonna stay here. But at any point in time, when you decide, I've had enough of this, I'm done numbing it away. We're just going to deal with everything head on. I'm here, I got you. And so we had this relationship long distance for years. For what? 18 years.

From 18 till now, I just turned 35.

We had this. She would come and visit and then she'd go back to Ohio. Well, she left Buffalo because environments we thought you should change. But like you were saying, it's not just one state to the next. If you're still an easy access to everything, it doesn't matter what state you pick, you'll just find the access in the new place. So we move her out of the city and into the suburbs. In Orlando with Dominique.

And she's just like, what's today?

Today makes Today's the 17th.

Today. No, today's seven months. Six months. Six months. Six months dot Six months.

Wait. March.

March.

Six months, six months sober.

Congratulations.

Six months today.

Right? And we are doing it. We are, we're moving. And she's like, you know, I'm not gonna lose another sibling or cousin or anyone else. Laying her little sister to rest was.

One of the hardest, hardest things I've done. I just Laid my oldest son to rest on June 19th. Yeah, June 19th. And then my aunt a month after that. My other aunt a month after that. Now my son, sister. And the thing is, I never thought that I would be able to even do this, anything like this sober, because I numb myself for so, so many years not wanting to deal with my demons and things that I was going through in life. So for me to deal with all these deaths month after month, and I did it sober. I didn't fall, y'.

All.

I didn't fall. And I was scared I was gonna fall, and I didn't.

I'm so proud of you.

I'm proud of you.

Focused. Yeah. Into how can I use. Okay, so every intermittently, she does get sober. And she was going back to college, because I tell you, when God has a mission for you, not even crack and burn your brain out. You know, I'm a 90s kid, so we were taught that this is your brain on drugs, the fried eggs. And so I just knew by the time I get out of foster care and find my mom, she's gonna be like, felicia from Friday. And she gets sober within 30 days. And I. I hear her in the back on the phone, and I was like, who are you talking to? And I hear the admissions lady to the college up the street talking about, well, do you have your transcripts from your last school? I was like, what are you doing? You just hit 30 days. I didn't say the roll in college slow down. I mean, like, to be okay, but what can we do to give back then? What can. She was in school before to be a mental health counselor. She said, I can use my testimony for the next group. And so she almost had finished her degree, but her husband at the time had got sick and into the hospital. And that started, you know, the emotions and things. But just having a stable environment seems to be a stable environment. Following God's word. Oh, God first, and keeping her butt locked down in his house, it seems to be. And I think it's just the right time sometimes for people, I think, as you probably have noticed coming through your houses. And for you guys who have been doing this for a while, you see that for some people, it's just the right time. It's nothing you did differently for this person than that person. Right? It really is just they're ready, and there was nothing you could have done a year ago or next year. But, like, right now, I'm ready, and I think that we're just like, I found you. I had to take A step out while we help dealt with funerals. But now we're back and we're ready to open in honor of my Auntie Charlotte. Charlotte's Orlando house for women and children. So that for the moms, you know, going up there, I got to talk to my cousins and their perspective of, you know, that's the other side. She also got on drugs, but her kids didn't get taken away. And I don't know what's worse to watch your mom go through it and to have to deal with those demons, seeing this person you love do it versus being taken out of the house and coming back when they're ready. But getting their perspective was like, man, if we just give them a place to go to sometimes for the ones that are ready is all you needed to do. You did it. Thank you. And Andrew, you're showing me away. Okay, rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat. I'm eating it up. I'm eating it up. Okay, I'm sorry, Mom. Want to say one thing? We can get back to you.

You know, I've tried to get sober over and over again, but I just wasn't ready. I thought I was ready, but apparently I wasn't because this is the first time in 32 years I've ever had six months sober. And is I. I used to be scared to even leave out the house, you know, am I going to run into somebody that used and not be able know, you know, so I was fearful and I stayed in this house for a while, y', all, cuz I was scared. But by me going to church. I've been in this church since March. I've been going to church and Bible study. I get baptized on the 25th of this month. And due to the grace of God, I. I left God. But I know now that God never left me. So this is the first time in 32 years I've ever had six months sober. So I think this is my time, y'. All. Thank you.

Thank you. Oh, my gosh. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story. Thank you for sharing it with us. Thank you for jumping in, taking action. I love you both. I feel like I need to just like fly to Orlando and hug both of you. Thank you so much for being here and for sharing. It's. There's so much that was like a masterclass on why we do what we do. All the past and trauma that people deal with that gets them into doing, you know, drugs and alcohol, why it's so hard to stop, and why simply providing a safe Space with support and actually caring about the human. We're not a shelter. We're not just giving you a roof over your head and then saying you're on your own. It's support. It's making sure that there's structure and rules, and you provided that. And look at six months is no small feat. Congratulations again. Can I just ask your. Your mom's name real easy?

Mine's Dominique. Hers is Monique.

Oh, there you go.

I named her after me.

Monique. Thank you again for sharing. Congratulations to you. I can't wait to celebrate, you know, another month. And please, please share if you have pictures or something when you get baptized. I think that's huge as well. And I was saying this last week. I do believe the local church is the hope of the world. It's. It's where you can plug into community, plug into a higher purpose, right? And actually hear what God has for your life.

So, you know, I never knew the Bible. I never knew church. Even though through the midst of my addiction, I kept going to church. I kept going to church. People started calling a hypocrite and saying that God was going to strike me down because I would use, but then I would still be like, I got to go to church today, Sunday. I knew that he was going to be the only person that helped me out of this. So I don't care what people were calling me. I just never quit going to church. Even though I didn't understand the Bible or I couldn't fight the devil because I didn't know God's word, He learning it in Bible study every Thursday. And if I feel like I can't get there, I'll start stressing like, mom, you're gonna be there. I'm like, okay, make sure I get there.

And that's that part that you're saying that it's more than just a roof, right? It's the resources. And why it's so big that she's partnering with me is that though I'm more of the business. Business side of things, right? Starting the LLC and getting the ein and all of the. So even though that's more at my end, the. She's been in these homes, right? She's experienced. She knows what. It's more than just showing up. When she got here, we had to make sure that the insurance was set, Medicaid was set up, that the insurance has transportation connected so that you're getting to every appointment.

And I knew I had to do.

All that stuff, and I didn't know all these things. And she's like, dominique, when people get to this house, you know, you can't just, like, leave them to their own devices. You gotta make sure that they've got some resources set up to their growth there. They start schedules and she's going through this laundry list. And I was like, all right, teammate, you ready for this? Okay. House manager. Because, okay, 100.

She knows it. That lived experience is priceless.

And one of your videos talked about it too.

Oh, yeah.

This is the difference between learning it, reading it, the academia of it. And just I am. I am such a proud daughter. And everyone is just like, but your mom is a crack addict. I was like, she is a shero. Are you insane? First of all, I can't shut her up. And now that she's clear headed and sober minded, she's like, okay, so what are you doing and when are you. And what are we doing for business? And have you been looking at houses? And I was on Zillow yesterday sending me things. She didn't learn how to use an iPhone. That was a mistake. I like all the things. All you have to do is like, be some light to someone's darkness and they really can start rolling on their own. I don't have to babysit. Yeah, she sticks to my hip when we leave the house, but otherwise she lives her life. We have schedules and things like that. And then I met you and I went through your classes and your. Yeah.

And you say, don't go ahead, and I'll tell them no. He said, you can't go ahead. You gotta stick to the schedule and do it like this. But she'd be like, mommy, I'm so happy.

Thank you, mama. Yeah, no, Okay. I had to go back. I did check mark it. And she was like, no, because I said, you didn't put it. Okay, you know, all right.

We talked enough.

Well, thank you both.