Grand Theft Auto V Story mode PlayStation 5
A chaotic fan edit of GTA V dialogue mixing real missions like the Paleto Bank heist and Union Depository job with absurdist therapy sessions, film production chaos, and meta-commentary on cheat codes. Trevor, Michael, Franklin, and Lester jump between criminal planning, family grievances, and profane nonsense.
Chapters
I'm going up there to see it for myself.
You'll be disappointed.
Oh, I'll be something.
It'll be an anticlimax.
The grave's empty.
Just a bag of sand, something like that. Just smoke and mirrors.
Oh, the lies!
How do you do it, man? The game is up.
I'm trying to save you a trip.
You've done me enough favors, buddy, all right? Save your fucking breath.
Trevor, come on. Fuck you, Michael.
Soon enough I will.
Shit.
Yeah, hey, I need a cab.
On its way, sir. Thanks for calling.
Okay, thanks for your help.
Special Agent Norton. Shit, Davey! Shit, he knows! I think he knows!
What?
Who?
Think! Shit, shit, how?
I don't know how.
He used his head.
But does he know? Does he know at all?
Hey, he's on his way up to Ludendorff to confirm his suspicions.
Shit, then what?
Then who fucking knows what?
I don't know.
I'm gonna go see if I can reason with him.
Well, I'd come, but I, I, I, I Yeah, don't worry about it.
This is between me and him. Besides, if it goes wrong up there, I'm sure you ain't far down his list.
That's good to know.
Where you headed, homie?
Los Santos International.
Hey, we're here. Oh sure, life's shit, ain't it?
Oh, I'm fantastic. My husband's fucking a younger woman. You broke my foot. I warned him. Well, look, there is no waiting in the past Your pickup area.
Please circle the airport indefinitely. Please do not urinate in the station. Thank you. A crowded train is not an excuse for inappropriate touching, no matter how tempting.
I don't care.
Why don't I see what the cops think about this? I don't care. Fuck this dude, I'm calling 5-0. Yeah, hello? I need a uniform down here right now.
We have a civilian requiring assistance.
Dispatch, we're on the scene!
We've got you!
Get you out of here! Let's go! Take him down! That's my car, you prick!
Shit!
Special Agent Norton.
Shit, Davey! Shit, he knows! I think he knows! What?
Who?
Think! Shit, shit!
How?
I don't know how.
He used his head.
But does he know? Does he know at all?
Hey, he's on his way up to Ludendorff to confirm his suspicions.
Shit, then what?
Then who fucking knows what?
I don't know.
I'm gonna go see if I can reason with him.
I'd come, but I, I, I, I—
Yeah, don't worry about it. This is between me and him. Besides, if it goes wrong up there, I'm sure you ain't far down his list.
That's good to know.
What the—
God damn it!
Fuck!
Not the Car.
This ain't my fucking—
You're kidding!
What the fuck, dude? Hello! Baby, you take my— Of course I can tell you.
All right, where we hanging out? Listen, Dill, can you do me a favor?
Shit!
I haven't even got time for other girls. You know what a BBW is?
Me, a big— I ain't loaning you shit.
Hey, you my dude, right?
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Unattended baggage will be destroyed.
Listen, Amanda. We're going to move to Los Santos, start over. I made a deal. The slate will be totally wiped clean.
Hey, everybody pay attention! No one gets hurt!
Trust me, darling. Look at me, Amanda. It was the only thing I could do. Either everyone dies or one guy gets out.
I'm that guy.
His name is Dave Norton. Nice guy, realist. He gets the glory, I get out. It's not even a decision, Amanda.
I don't have a choice.
Do you want to die here where it's always snowing, or do you want to go and live where it's always sunny?
All right, you want to live? Tell me you want to live. Work this out.
Some people out of town, you don't need to know. Trust me, nothing is gonna go wrong.
Nothing.
Yeah, I hear you. We gotta follow the plan.
Everything will work out.
I did the deal, Amanda. It's over, baby. We get out, be happy, be normal.
It ain't supposed to go down like this.
We did it, baby! We are home free!
It's over!
This is fun, man! The day is blown!
Just this one job and everything is done.
Everything is done. Everything Is done.
Hey, you're wasting your time.
Is that why you flew out here, huh? Tell me I'm wasting my time.
Go ahead, dig it up. I don't give a shit.
Yeah, that's what you look like. The guy who doesn't give a shit.
That's ridiculous.
How long are you gonna keep lying for, Mikey, huh?
When's it gonna stop?
What happens in the dark comes out in the light.
Oh, give it a rest, Trevor. There's nothing there.
This is it. Moment of truth.
As if I didn't know.
Brad, look, we do what we got to do to survive. This thing, it didn't work out the way it was supposed to.
Oh, how was that, huh?
With Brad in the can and me in the ground, or both of us in the coffin?
Brad got shot.
You saw it.
He didn't make it.
I got shot.
I did. That's it.
I think the only thing that didn't go as planned was me showing up on your doorstep 10 years later.
Mikey, I mourned you and I missed you. I got a fucking family, Trevor. We were all gonna die.
He did die, you reptilian motherfucker.
I didn't want it to come to this.
Yes, you did. You just don't have the fucking balls to do it, but I do.
I got more to lose than you.
Never a truer word has been spoken, brother.
Now pull the fucking trigger. You ain't got the guts. Take the fucking shot. Who is that? Fuck you. Joe Phillips, Mr. Toa has requested a word. Hey, ho ho, I'm not the guy you're looking for. Hey, how did he make it? Get the boyfriend!
Boyfriend? Motherfucker.
Let's have a talk. Who are your friends, T?
Get out of the van!
Find it! He's here! You cannot beat her! We won't let you! There is nowhere to hide! You're on ice, Frank! You dumb one to die! We gotta go now! Where are you? Piss them off! So who are your pals, Trevor?
Stop the van!
Go find them! Where are you, Mr. Can out. Get out of the van! I'll find it!
Come out, mister!
We won't hurt you! Who are your friends, King? Hey, go fuck yourself! We could have teamed up!
There are more fish in the sea.
Give me some. Fuck off, you confused piece of shit! I ain't got anything against you people. We'll take you with us.
Fuck off!
Where you got to go now? Cheese them up! Wherever you get— Toast them up! Come on up! Hey, you got the wrong guy!
Hey, can't we do this where the weather's better?
We know you're weak and feminine, old fool! Phillips went that away! He's getting away! You are going nowhere, mister! You're on ice, prick!
You should have gone after the other guy.
You're way off, asshole. You're making a mistake.
Where are you? Oh, bull!
Get out of the bed! Find it! You can't run! Come out! So who are your pals, Trevor?
Hey, go fuck yourself!
I ain't got anything against you people. Don't die for your lover. Phillips went that way. Give yourself up. We are following you. Ah, you want a boyfriend, huh? Fuck off! Surrender now! You're on ice, prick! You're making a mistake. And another man.
Okay.
You're out of your element. Oh hey, back off!
You started this. Come on.
Me and Trevor, we ain't friends no more.
Hey, you got the wrong guy.
Hey, can't we do this where the weather's better? We could have teamed up. You don't want to die. You're way off, assholes. You should have gone after the other guy. We told you, you idiot. Fuck off, you confused pieces of shit! Whatever you did. I ain't got anything against you people. You're screwed. Give it up. Hey, guys, you ever heard of overkill? White bread, huh?
You're out of your element.
It's just me and you. Hey, go fuck yourself!
How many they got in this van?
Oh, you forgot to check the train schedule!
Trevor.
Fuck! Come on, you got nowhere to go, boyfriend. All right, all right, get out the fucking car.
Driver Phillips Industries. Mr. Phillips, this is Wei Cheng. You know my eldest son, Tao. Yeah, the ex-nut. Back down to a contract we agreed on. How is he? Still learning the ropes, thank you. My friends miss you in North Yankton. I was hoping we could talk.
Was that your people?
Ah, of course.
Sorry I had to cut out.
Your operation caused this problem for me. I want to expand into Blaine County, but your business and your temperament prevent me from making inroads. Huh, well, too bad. I don't know what you can do about that. I've already done something. We have your lover.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
My lover? Michael De Santa? You live in your trailer together with the maid. And then you were alone in that big house. Well, you are clearly very close. You know, how much will you give up for his safety? My lover? Yeah, right. That's a tough break. I'd never want to double-cross a friend and put him in danger, but you got to do what you got to do. My business ain't going anywhere. I'm serious about this. He will die. Tell him I love him dearly. I need a cab pronto. I'm sending one out right now. Glad to hear it.
So where do you want to go?
Chamberlain Hills. Right away, sir.
What are you talking about?
I touch shit with who I will.
You can talk.
You got help. Who am I going to call? You know how long it's been for me. No, I tried that route. I'm going to try this celibate thing, see if it works out for me. Hush your mouth.
Mark Davis, what's up?
I'm part of the team. That's what's up.
Team? I don't do teams.
Uh, Devin Weston's car stealing team, the one Frank's running.
Oh, oh yeah, that one.
Hey look, I boosted the ride. I'm about to meet your boy Franklin and I need your ass to pick up the Packard, meet us outside the garage, and we taking these motherfuckers up to Paleto Bank.
All right, buddy, fine.
That's a long trip. Holy shit!
DJing on Friday.
Let's get that shit cracking, nigga.
He over at the usual place.
Boost home. How'd it go? Any problems?
You know me, fool.
Yeah, I do know you, fool.
So what you think?
Smooth as silk.
I'm thinking where the blood stains and the bullet holes and shit, man.
Fuck that amateur shit behind me. I'm a professional now, like you and them old dudes.
So tell me what happened.
I saw the ride, I took the ride.
No drama, no security, no one saying, who the fuck is this gangly motherfucker doing in my car? Nothing. That's worrying, man. That's some shady ass shit.
That's you.
Hey, remember me?
It's Mama.
Be careful, line it up on the truck.
Honey boo, that car is sexy. Dirtbag!
The final piece of the puzzle.
There she is, homie.
We straight. Boss man's happy.
Then we'll get moving.
And this old bust-ass nigga ain't no boss.
Enough, nigga. Get your ass in the truck.
Let's go.
Let's get in the truck. Paletto Bay, Sonora Freeway. Hey, it's, uh, cozy in here.
Scooch up, homie.
Yeah, scooch over here.
Scooch near that crazy dude? Oh hell no, that nigga stank.
Get over here, I don't bite.
Dang, what I heard, all cannibalistic and shit.
Frank, what you been telling him?
I say what I see, homie. You dig on man meat?
Ah, rumor and hearsay. We got a long way to go. I'd get comfortable.
All right, nigga, but don't try nothing.
How far is it?
And this thing, about 4 hours. Shit, it's your operation, Slick.
Shit, if you all right driving, I'mma catch up on some sleep.
Go for it.
It's all right being the boss, meant to be running things, but this fool sleep.
Yeah, I'll be asleep when your ass stop talking, nigga.
Something, boss. Hey man, where that other dude?
The dude that creeped on that do? Michael?
His creeping days are done.
Well, what you mean? He stopped creeping?
No more creeping for him.
He like retired from, from creeping?
From everything.
That's funny, cuz like the boy Frank didn't mean no shit about that. And as a matter of fact, I don't even know the dude, but considering the mutual acquaintances we got, I would have liked an invite to the retirement party.
There weren't no party.
No party?
I used use the term retirement euphemistically, homie.
For a dude that kills dudes and eats dudes and fuck dudes, you talk fruity.
It's unconfirmed.
What's unconfirmed, the fact that you talk stupid or the fact that you do some messed up shit? Or where the other dudes at? Like maybe he's dead.
The last one.
Oh shit, man. Fuck. Do Frank know about this?
I don't know. Franklin knows, but let's just let him sleep.
Shit.
Yeah, it's a bummer, but you know, he wasn't the good guy he made out.
That dude was a killer, a thief, a liar, and irritable as shit.
Yeah, a liar above all else. A fucking liar.
Homie, you sound like some bitch he ain't called.
Like, oh, he lied to me.
I am some bitch he didn't call for 10 years.
Fuck, man, he fucked you. The fucker got fucked.
Damn, he fucked the fucker himself.
Shut up, man.
The first time's always special. I hope he was gentle with you.
Enough of that, and enough about me fucking. I don't do that as a rule. Maybe when I got to LS, I was— I was a little overwhelmed by the place. I got a little out of control, but that ain't who I am, for the most part.
But the Michael fucked you?
Yeah, the Michael fucked me, and the Michael fucked Brad, and the Michael ran off with the FIB.
Brad?
Who—
who the fuck is Brad?
Brad is our boy back from the day.
And Michael killed him?
Michael got him killed. He died when Michael faked his death. I thought Michael died and Brad was in the pen, when actually Brad was in the ground and Michael was in hiding.
And now Michael's dead and it's all okay?
Michael's current condition is unconfirmed. I said that.
But if he was dead, you'd be cool because of this Brad dude who died whenever?
Yes, man.
I thought you and Michael were tight.
So did I.
Okay, that makes a lot of fucking sense.
It's a lonely old road.
Ain't it lonely?
Hey, I couldn't say. I mean, not really. A road's a road. It ain't got abandonment issues.
Truckers on the blacktop making do.
I don't need to make do. I need to make snaps on these rides.
Sure, yeah, time will come. It's what happens before we get paid as well. Franklin's asleep. It's just me and you.
What?
What you trying to say? You want me to jack you off or something?
Jesus, no. God, no. Course not.
Unless, man, you's a sick fiend.
I just fiended him for some friendship.
Friendship, right? Whatever, man.
It's just truckers are a symbol of this country, you know, part of its mythology, like cowboys, gangsters, hobos, gangbangers.
Truckers are about the unsexiest myth I ever heard, apart from hobos. Uh, maybe tied with hobos.
Freedom.
Loners in the night. You know what truckers do?
Cut up women and get other dudes to jack them off. Come to think about it, aside from not lugging freight around the country, you got about all the necessary prerequisites for a fine career in hauling.
No shame in that.
If you don't want to get paid or enjoy human contact.
Money's bullshit. So is friendship.
All right, all right, all right. I see you still touching.
How's Franklin doing over there?
Oh dude, getting paid to sleep. Don't even worry about him.
Ah, sleep of innocence.
So he like in charge on this one? You work for him?
He's a kind of figurehead, a puppet if you like, with Devin Weston's hand up his ass right up to the elbow.
That dude, real safe.
Oh, it's repulsive, but well, once he's He can be whatever we want him to be.
What you want him to be?
I want him to be someone who understands that all the money in the world can't save him from a nasty guy who thinks he's an asshole.
Now that's something I want to see. So, uh, tell me, man, how'd y'all end up meeting?
Michael introduced us. Me and Frank didn't exactly travel in similar circles.
Nah, I mean the creep.
Michael? Yeah, I don't know.
Yeah, you know.
Sorry, I don't want to reminisce. The wounds ain't healed.
You said delicate. Yeah, change it. Where your pussy at? What you got in there? Screw you. That's good. Let it out, homie. Go on, let it out.
The turd was probably playing me from the start, right?
Yeah, probably. How are you do it? Where?
When?
All right, all right.
Fuck.
I was running a small air freight outfit in North Yankton. Tiny operation. There's one beagle I could borrow when I needed it. We were kids.
Kids would play.
So this guy I know says there's this other guy needs some hot cargo moved across the border. Money's good, and I don't know enough to check references, so I'm in. A few days later, I'm Waiting on the runway, I see this dust coming up off the road, only it ain't one dust trail, it's two. I got told one guy in cargo. First car comes through the gate, stops, someone comes out. My age, just 20, kind of fat but strong underneath.
Love at first sight.
Yeah, something like that. Other car comes through the gate, old guy falls out, starts yelling and waving his arms and pointing at the kid.
The dude that got jacked?
Who fucking knows? Fat guy's running, old guy's shouting. I don't really care. I play peacemaker, concerned citizen. I get close to the old guy and I pull out this flare gun I'm carrying around, squeeze the thing off in his eye. Shit, that was horrible. We had to pick up the body and dump it in a lake on the way. Thing was still burning in his head when we dropped him. Plane never smelled the same. Both of us threw up when we landed. It was quite a baptism.
You ain't never clapped nobody before?
Not really. Some deer, foxes, drifters. Nothing serious. Ha!
So that was like it? You and Michael rolling on through?
Más o menos. Michael didn't have the nerve back then. I didn't have the direction. Kind of worked.
Until Michael got his nerve.
Until he got it. And he lost it, but that's another story. So tell me, man, what about you and Frank?
Oh, hell no, homie, it ain't like that. We ain't like y'all, you know. Niggas don't get down like that. I mean, one time we was both fucking this bitch and I was about to go in and we kind of like touched dick, but it wasn't even like a slap or nothing. I mean, man, it was like almost like a brush, you know. I mean, that shit, it wasn't nothing, homie. It wasn't even like awkward or nothing. But don't tell kill nobody.
That's how you met Franklin, brushing cocks in an orgy.
It wasn't no orgy, fuck, man. That was a three-way. And nah, we ain't meet there. Nah, wait, wait, that wasn't Frank. That was JB in a three-way. Frank ain't into that, and he smoke crack now. JB, I mean, not Frank. So there you go.
Actually, man, you know what? I don't care where you and JB met, or you and Franklin.
It was this school, motherfucker. They was hot. Me and Frank was always tight. Blanky and Fatty, we was slanging together, then we was banging together, then we back to slanging. That's a young man game, you heard me?
Yeah, I heard you, but I don't really care.
Oh shit, what's happening?
Wake up, you dozy motherfucker! One time was on the ride.
What you gonna do, old fearless leader?
Okay, shit, I got an idea.
Keep driving. I'mma take the tricked-out JB700 and get rid of the tail.
Devin's lawyer said there'd be some new hardware on board.
Hey, don't forget the headset, homie. They must have waited till we was out of town.
Yeah, it looks like it, don't it? We have reason to believe you were here. Man, I should have known this would go wrong. Man, it's never easy.
You are transporting stolen cars. Call a packer to the Out of the road!
Shit! We have been on you since you picked up the car. Pull over!
Fuck this! Stop the Packer and no one will get hurt.
Man, let me see if I can get some of these.
Get them off us!
Hey, this button's new.
Come on, man, I thought you said the coast was clear when you moved me in the car.
It was. They sneaky motherfuckers, them police, homie. Come on, boss, get them off us! It's you and the ride, Frank. Man, we need to save these rollers, nigga.
Police is your problem, CEO.
If we don't lose these cops soon, the drop-off is blown. I know those guys ain't going anywhere. Here come the police. Nice.
Come on, CEO, deal with the one time.
So this buck wasn't here before.
You got on the freeway, man.
You brought the cops right to us, dog.
Maybe you should have done a little research. Now get on the ship. I think that's the last one, my nigga.
Mr. Clinton, where are you?
We're coming up the Man, the cops was all over us. They slowed us down some.
That's not surprising. The insurance companies have been pressurizing them to find you since the studio break-in.
You knew there'd be heat?
Man, you could have told us.
Don't get emotional. We're waiting at Procopio Truck Stop. Be here soon.
We're taking a ride to the truck stop at Procopio.
Procopio it is.
Damn it, gentlemen!
Hey, I'm gonna speak to the legal counsel woman, get us paid.
Yeah, I heard about that CEO pay shit. Just make sure it's fair salary for the workforce, motherfucker.
Yeah, what he said.
You taking care of, head back to town.
Go now, get them snaps, dog!
Somewhere meditating or ripping somebody off.
In light of the drama your efforts caused, we felt it was not perhaps the best idea for you two to be seen together for a while. Where's the money, Mr. Weston? Obviously a maverick, but he's also rigorous in his research.
Yeah, he may be brilliant. Look, let me be the first to tell you, he ain't gonna fall in love with your ass. Now where the fuck is my money?
The best thing that could have happened to you in the situation has happened. He is going to hold your money, invest it in his Alpha Fund, and make the funds available to you at a time as the transfer will not induce any undue attention.
Which is a polite way of saying I'm getting robbed? Are you fucking kidding me?
That is the short-sighted and frankly immature way of seeing things, Mr. Clinton.
Let's go.
I boost cars and pop motherfuckers.
Maturity is not really my fucking thing.
Oh yes, oh yes.
Hey, look, you seen Michael, man? The contact he set me up with is holding out on the payment, dog.
Huh.
Um, let's see, his phone is offline, his credit cards aren't active. This is aberrant behavior. Last usage is for a flight to North Yankton. There was a signal from his cell back in Los Santos, but Now nothing.
Damn, is he in the city, dog? Shit, he could be in trouble, huh?
I don't know, but it's worth speaking to Trevor. Most likely he was with him in the Midwest. I'll get him to come see you.
Shit, all right, homie. Look, send him to my aunt's crib, all right?
Can I get a cab right away?
Stay where you are. I got a driver right around the corner.
Appreciate it.
Hey!
Man, that was kind of strong.
Ooh, too close! Come on, man, you got to get me out of here.
Okay, yeah, take it easy, I got you.
There's got to be a hospital near here somewhere.
No, no hospitals. Can you take me to Sandy Shores? I got people there who can help me out. Cholo Springs Avenue. Look, thanks for this. Another 20 seconds, I'd have had the cops all over me.
What the hell happened back there?
Don't worry about it, okay? It's not worth it.
Look, you bleeding out, you won't go to the hospital or the cops, and you fleeing the scene of a dead body. If you want my help, you're gonna have to do better than that.
Just a job that went wrong. Trust me, don't want to know.
Trust me, I do. I've seen enough jobs go wrong. I want to be clear what I'm getting into.
So you're in the game now?
Who's asking too many questions?
Look, we hit a pawn shop, okay? But it was a sting. Cops were waiting for us. Supposed to be an easy job, low risk, $20K each. I was the driver.
And not a very good one.
Hey, I got us through 3 roadblocks. We had half of San Andreas law enforcement on our ass. We'd have been home free if that son of a bitch hadn't pulled a blade on me at 100 miles per hour and spun us off the road. You cross me, I put you down. No second chances.
Sounds like you need to find a better crew.
Considering I got two in custody and the other one dead on the side of Sonora Freeway, I need any crew, period. Why, you know someone?
No, I didn't say that.
They got nothing to connect me. No real names, no addresses. Left all the money way too hot to wash. I'll get myself patched up, lie low at the safe house for a day or two, then see I can put together. I can't stop shivering. This ain't good.
I'mma get you there as fast as I can.
This car ain't big enough.
So I guess we taking a rain check.
That bastard sucked me good.
I got my foot down. Ain't a lot more I could do.
This is it.
Listen, I ain't sure what you're into, but you need a driver anytime, you let me know.
Oh, shit! My car, you damn moron!
Get back here! Robbery! Call the cops! You gotta stop that guy! He jacked all my money! I got my boys on the way.
Oh.
My car, asshole!
You smell me a drink? Hey, my car! Fuck off! No!
What the hell!
Oh, fuck it!
You crackhead!
Now look the fuck out!
Hey, there he is, Mr. Conservative, man.
Go fuck yourself.
Hey, listen, don't make me beg you to make your life mean something today, all right?
Fuck you, man. What are we doing here?
Nothing. Let's roll. Let's roll where? Catch you on the flip side, buddy. Yo, you see that? Half the airport's on the Dominator's payroll today. Better bond fast with that beauty, 'cause you two are going tandem.
I didn't bring my idiot translator. What the fuck are you talking about?
You're driving that hunk of metal and gasoline out of a cargo plane. I'm doing fucking what? Yo, don't go all blue chip on me, bro. Let's do this. Got to be now, dude. Max the gas, she's going to take off! Yeah, we got liftoff! As soon as we hit a suitably stupid altitude We'll kamikaze this shit in the next week, am I right? Come on, high five! Hell no, man, shit, I don't— Come on, let's fucking do this! Wrangle these bad boys! Yeah, come on, let's do some barrel rolls, man! Oh shit, this is You got the biggest hard-on ever! Holla atcha, boy!
How are you?
I pulled the plug.
Oh, come on! That's female, dude. Boobies!
Yeah, I can see you being a real hit with the ladies, homie.
Dude, you have no idea. You should see me online. Like flies on a turd, bro.
Man, you said it, not me.
You feel that lightning bolt? Zap!
You're a—
Hey, can I get a cab?
I'm really sorry, I don't have any free cars right now.
Hey, I need a cab.
On its way, sir. Thanks for calling.
Thank you.
Hey, my man, where you going?
Strawberry.
All right, let's This is the spot, right?
We are women, we are free, we're breathing air.
The patriarchy.
We are women, hear our pain.
We are women, hear our shout. We are women, have no doubt. We are women, we are free. We are—
Shut the fuck up!
Thank you.
Oh, my n-word. Ah, what's up, homie, huh?
Oh, what is that?
How you act, huh, when a friend makes a mistake? Mistake, huh? No, really? Oh, oh, so what, it's just me getting hurt? Is that funny?
No, man. Well, fuck you!
I'm gonna put you in the fucking ground, you laugh at me again.
Man, calm down.
I have met a lot of assholes in my life, but you— oh, you're not long for this world if this is the way you fucking act, you little jumped up motherfucker.
Look, how about this, man? Man, calm down. It was funny at first, man. I made a mistake. Unfortunately, man, you failed. It was fun, all right? I apologize.
I accept your apology. Okay, all right, so Let's hug it out.
Mhm. Right, you're fucking gotcha. Oh fuck, no, I'm not funny. Fucking asshole.
Oh fuck, I had a difficult childhood.
Damn, man, you all right?
I'm just fucking on edge, you know? Look, I love you, right? But I would have—
I would have—
Look, man, Lester said you had some information for us about Michael.
Michael?
Fuck Michael. I hope he's dead, man.
I know y'all two, man. Come on, man, you two had beef before. But what the fuck happened in North Yankton? Somebody pinched him, man.
Who?
My friend Ron met these Chinese assholes.
Coals.
They're from Yangshan in China. We had some problems. They mistakenly thought Michael was a human being and kidnapped him.
Yeah, and now it looks like they holding him somewhere in the city.
Yes.
Come on, bro.
Oh, go fuck yourself. You want that piece of shit, that's your fucking business, all right? He's dead to me, all right? And chances are, if and when I see him, He's gonna be dead to everyone else as well.
Hey, come on, bro, don't do that.
You're pushing your luck, pal.
What was that?
What was that? Nothing. Ah, asshole! Everybody, assholes!
Hey, it's me.
What did Trevor say?
Man, Michael's being held by a Chinese crew because of Trevor.
The irony isn't lost. I'm sending you an app for your phone. Michael's cell just came back online. This will track its signal. It'll work better the closer you get. Be careful.
Sure.
Sa.
Where's your humanity? Hey, what's up? I'm still waiting to hear back from Grimshaw. Hey, he's in there somewhere.
How you get in?
Ay, perdóname. Goddamn! Ain't cool to walk into folks.
Hey, hello, how are you? Well, nothing much, just over here, just playing the game in general. How about you?
Let me down! Let me fuckin' down! Hey, I ain't even gonna make a tasty ham burger.
I only drink broccoli juice.
Nah, if this is how I die, it's wild. Nah, okay, I was, uh, mission failed.
How you doing? You still owe me dinner. Oh no! Hey girl!
Man, I'm sorry! What's up?
Oh my God! Kamikaze attack!
You want to kill me, asshole?
You looking for someone?
Get lost, okay? Hey, you holding my friend against his will!
Oh, okay, that was my bad. That was my bad, you know, for not getting covered and whatever. I'mma recreate the whole meme again. Hold up. Happy birthday, motherfucker!
Go! Hey Michael, you got an old white dude that don't belong to you.
Burn in hell, you motherfucker! Nah, that shit was funny. I was like, happy Happy birthday, fucker! They got my boy Michael. Oh hell no, die, fucker! Look at you, look at you, you dead! Hold up, hold up. Oh shit, let me just shoot him in the face then. How is this possible? What up?
Oh yeah!
Oh, let's go, let's go! I was about to say, if that shit moved— okay, anybody there? Oh no!
Oh shit! Time to release this dude.
Oh, a med kit.
You got the wrong guy here. Can't free me. I ain't paying no risk, girl.
That nigga got blasted.
How he got up?
Die already!
I swear, babe, stop with the— it's a guy from Fortnite.
What the fuck is that?
Oh shit, I ain't going to lie though, dude came back to life. And sad. I'm not bad today, bitch. You die, bro, because it said a medkit. You know what? Happy birthday, motherfucker. Yeah, nigga. Get your ass up. Go ahead, get your ass up again. Go ahead, get your ass up again.
Oh, oh, oh, shit!
It's cuz I'm black, they killed me. That's why they tag teaming on me, them white motherfuckers. You know what, fuck this. Hi. Oh, now let me go get this. I swear, if this person move, bro, that nigga got blasted. Yeah, nigga, keep going. I swear, bro. Yeah, headshot that motherfucker. I'm tired of all of you guys. I'm bringing out the shotgun. I hope you all die. Oh shit, nah. Yo, the way you died is crazy. Yeah, nah, dying together is crazy. Let me shoot him in the ass. Oh, oh damn, I shot him in the ass. You know, that's kind of gay. They both died together. You about to die like them. Look, you already dead. Oh, you know what, yo, why they died like that, bro? They died holding hands. Yo, wait, look, yo, look how he died. There ain't no way, bro. There ain't no way.
In case you ain't figured out, I ain't paying no risk. You got the wrong guy here.
I ain't taking any chances. Oh, that shit dead.
Is he dead?
They still shooting. Why are they still shooting? I think he's supposed to be dead. Oh, hell no.
Give me a sec. No, too sec. I'm coming, man.
Yeah, I'm all shooting you guys. That's a shame. All right, all right, I got you guys. Okay, I swear if I see any more cops—
you want me to waste a bullet for him? Fuck it, pop this!
Yeah, yeah, guys coming from down there!
Hold me a gun!
There you go! You was right about more colleagues. They got you locked down. Yeah, turns out they really want Cyber.
That shit still moving. Yo, how, how he They're moving. Yeah, so like It's funny how he's all tied up like that. Maybe I got to go back and— oh shit, nah bro, you know what, fuck. My God. Oh shit, nigga, no. Yeah, how many of these?
Oh.
Hey, y'all, D for Trevor Phillips. Oh yeah, hurry boy, this is my ride.
Oh no, the way he died. He died like he was doing the Harlem Shake. Look at that, look at that, look at that. Oh, oh, you're about to go in the meat grinder. Yeah, go in the meat grinder. Yeah, yeah, yeah, go in the meat grinder. We're about to make some Jeffrey Dahmer Now imagine me getting banned from YouTube for saying shit like that. Oh, oh, oh, shoot! Yo, my health was crazy. Oh, hell no. Yeah, nigga, how they still alive? Oh, it's— I see him. I'mma let the white guy go first. The white guy surviving. I'm black, I can't survive This shit, bro, it's cuz I'm black. You want me to go, right? White guy got no aim.
Come on, come on, let's go! This is my rescue mission, dog.
Be cool.
I just want to get home.
Oh, now coming after us.
I'll lose them. Okay, hey, Tamer Phillips is the guy you want. We going to lose him, dog. Yo, nah, yo, yo, how y'all expect me, bro?
They not even letting me drive. Actually, keep it that way, keep it that way.
Yeah, I'mma get you home, homie. Oh, hell no!
I'm repairing this car.
I'm repairing this Bro, bro, this—
bro, they teared up this car and I got I gotta go and repair this shit.
Anywhere in that fort.
What he told me in the end, I think, hit you anywhere.
We're up there and Trevor freaks the fuck out.
He was about to kill me, right? And then these Chinese guys show up, they take me, he fucks off. For real? Too real.
Okay, well, if you don't want to talk about that, how about Gavin Weston?
Weston?
What about him?
We delivered the last I don't care, I'm gonna get this car repaired after I'm done with this mission. After I'm done with this mission, I'mma go and repair it. Babe, it was a game. They was attacking me, shooting. You over here talking about I don't know if I should trust you driving. Do you see how shot up we look? Well, the white guy is shot up, but yeah.
legs and just give. You just keep running. Look, I got your back, all right?
Trevor finds out you're still alive, I don't know what the fuck he's gonna do.
I'm worried about Trevor. He's not anywhere near me. Hey, I'm not joking.
It ain't me you're coming for.
What's straight is you.
Hello there.
I know. I see you at the spot, big homie.
What was your name again?
Let's go down to the range later and fire off a few rounds.
Set some fat fucking old jackass on me, please, big man.
We had a deal. We had paperwork. Hey, fuck off, Johnny.
Hey, you're a couple real badasses.
Put a beat down on an old man. Yeah, we don't take that. We have a deal with them. Just about. Please get those millennial ass wipes.
Pleasure.
Fuck what? Where you going, tough guys?
Ooh, let the killing begin!
No, no, no, no!
Come on!
Right now I gotta chase them and kill them. So why you want me to do the Pennywise voice? Last time I did the Pennywise voice, you ended up getting scared. You jumped in the living room, if I'm not mistaken. I was like, I was like, hey Gabby, you want to play a game? I can give you this red balloon.
Yeah! Oh no, no, no! Oh yeah!
Thank you, uh, thank you for that lift. Oh yeah, I know I did from the back to scare you though, that's all. Move your ass! Move your ass! Oh yeah, I see them! Get over here! Oh, SpongeBob, me boy, get your ass over here!
Can I get a So you beat it on, man.
He just wanted an opportunity.
Damn, damn, y'all lucky I didn't have my gun out. Next time I'mma have my shotgun out for you. Oh wait, uh, Hey, shut— no, the next time I'mma have my gun out for you. Next time. Now I got to chase you again.
Where you going, tough guys?
Where the car at though? Like, I need a car. Oh, of course they provided me with this slow-ass car. I don't like this car though. Whoa!
No!
Move!
No, come on!
Man, I don't like this car. This Cars start slow. The fucker is right there.
Come here.
Oh, I see that fucker. That fucker's dead. Oh my God. That motherfucker's dead. Oh, you're on my death list, you little shit.
You pathetic millennial!
Fuck!
You've gone crazy!
Come on, come on!
Bro, what the fuck?
Yo, uh, bro, how? I stopped the car, they stopped. My God.
Hey, here's an old man who might hit back.
I guess I didn't make it clear to you at the club. You told me we had an understanding.
I beat you, so you beat an old man. I thought you were a tough guy.
Get the fuck over here, bitch. Yeah, get the fuck over here. I'mma fucking chase you down. Fucking killing me and shit, right? Right, you motherfucker. No. Oh yeah, give me this fucking car! Give me this fucking car! Fucking run over his ass! Where the fuck is he?
Oh, I gave you a chance. How you like me now?
Yeah, let me just shoot you right here. Move, bitches!
Ariel Junior Almonte.
I'm only a paraplegic, but you can't feel anything.
Uh, you're throwing me softballs. Run, run. But, uh, speaking of accidents, those guys had one.
Oh, if If only we'd met 20 years ago, Michael.
Maybe I wouldn't be in this mess.
Yeah, you and me both, brother.
Look, it's a pain, I know, but could you come by the studio now? I got something I'd like to show you.
Yeah, of course, I'll be right over.
There, looks like a dating bot.
Okay, so those motherfuckers are dead, and let's go do something else.
Aitch! Great eggs!
Check out this kitty kitty.
Bro, bro.
Fuck you. I'll leave my baby right here.
Oh yeah.
Ah, okay.
Come in, come in. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Yeah, it turns out maybe I'm cut out for the movie business after all, huh, my friend?
You're a sentimental thug. With zero artistic training and nothing interesting to say, I would say you're overqualified. Anyway, shut up and take a look at that.
Oh, oh, fucking A.
Feels good, doesn't it?
Feels like I've finally done something with my life. Actually done something.
A movie.
Welcome to show business.
Nothing but make-believe will ever feel quite real again.
All right, Michael, come on, let me show you some rushes. I think you're gonna love it, but it'd be great to hear your notes.
Hey, baby, I just wanted to tell you I'm finally doing something with my life. I'm making a movie, a real one.
Call me.
Hold up. Okay, I think Okay, yeah, now I got to go to Leicester. I'm about to check out my— hey, we're Got the Tokyo Drift up in here. Oh, there's my other car. Now y'all can keep it, y'all probably need it more. Uh. Can I do that to our future cars? If you know how to do that, then go ahead. But if you— if you end up crashing it, then you pay for it.
Help! That bastard just stopped me!
Don't make this any worse than it already is.
Nah, what if I don't want to return it? Well, at least I didn't get no scratches on my baby, you know, my car. Because if I had any scratches, I'll be like, oh hell, oh, what's up here? Nah, I ain't returning it. That's a lot of money. Yeah, that's for me. That's a lot lot of money. Tell you it's good news. Oh shit. Hey, you know what? Move the fuck away from me, bitch. Yeah, as I said, go ahead and Shit. Yeah, let's go. Look at my baby. Oh, oh, oh, oh, look at those cars. Oh, I got to repair my light.
What's going on?
Just enjoying a little labor dispute. See, we're about to do something really, really bad, so I need to present myself as a problem.
Yeah, really bad.
Anything— nothing looks more suspicious in America than someone who's actually prepared to make something.
Jesus.
What about you?
Oh, fucking Trevor, we're having some problems.
Brad.
Yeah, what else?
Anyway, the Union Depository is on hold for now. Can't do it without him, especially now that he knows.
Thank God you guys are here. You alone?
Davey, where's your boyfriend Steve?
He's on his way up. Yeah, they're up here. Listen, the shit's about to hit the fan.
Our entire lives together has been nothing but a series of fans and shits.
Sort this problem out for me and I will get Mr. Leisure off your back. And if we don't, then I will go to jail and you will get shot.
Ah, fuck you, Dave. I've heard it all before.
Not like this, you haven't.
Has he briefed you?
Oh, why yes, he has. He told us that if we do what you say, then together we can take down the big bad wolf that is government corruption.
Yeah, and if you don't, we're all gonna fry because the agency's onto us. I've even got some fools in our own bureau that are questioning my methods.
I think I'm a liar, a cheater, some kind of a killer and a thief.
So, so there's some, uh, evidence, and I need you guys to find out what they know. All right, so what, Lester here to hack into the system, wipe it all clean?
Oh no, no, that will not work. The only way to access it is through your buildings.
Fuck me, Michael. You'd be doing me a very big favor. And if you do this, I'll make sure that all your files are deleted.
I promise you.
Hey, it's the last thing we do and we're done, period.
Of course, I'm a man of my word.
Dave, let's go.
Come on, Lester, let's go. Good luck, gentlemen.
Take us to the FIB building parking lot entrance.
So you got any idea how we'll do this? Scope it out?
Not really, but I thought we'd start by finding a way into the building.
We're going in through the parking lot?
No, no, no, no. We're waiting for someone to come out of it. A janitor.
All right, and how's that going to get us in?
Well, the janitors are all on temp contracts. They get replaced when their backs go or they ask for a day off. So we find one of these guys, we turn him, and that's our in.
Okay.
Is there a particular guy?
I'm in the temp company's database right now. I found a guy about to clock off. I got the file here.
Let me see.
Harvey Molina, license plate 83QSL722. And we'll follow him, see what we think.
Sounds good.
That car's a That car is having an arrow pop.
You should be coming out here soon. Oh, what's this?
Nope.
So what do you think about this whole messed up situation?
I think they'll either kill you after this is done or keep you doing these stupid jobs until they don't have to kill you because someone else has done it for for him.
Yeah, that sounds about right.
That's it.
That's not it.
So what do we do?
Oh, what can we do? We do the job. Maybe you can delete the files when you're inside doing whatever else you're doing. That might be a way out.
Yeah, well, a way out is exactly Exactly what I need.
Here we go. This is not the car we're looking for. It's hard to get motivated on a job without financial incentive.
You can't put a price on freedom.
Well, that spur won't be there for the crew. I'm going to ask Mr. Haynes for a budget, maybe the leftover cash from the Polito score. We need something.
Yeah, see what you can do.
That's the one. You know the drill, couple of car lengths.
So what's gonna happen when this guy gets wherever he's going?
He's gonna get his severance package.
Huh.
I can't tell if that's some creepy euphemism or a plain statement of facts.
It's whatever you want it to be.
Okay. Hey, you mind? Put away the smartphone or pad or whatever the hell that is for a minute. No surfing while I'm trying to tail this guy.
It's work-related.
Yeah, well, I'd prefer all hands on deck right now, if it's okay with you. God, you're worse than my son.
You want to break into the FIB's West Coast headquarters, you're gonna need more than a janitor's license plate number. Now let me work on some angles while you you, uh, keep this car behind that one and between these white lines.
That's it.
I mean, other than a few missing expletives in terms of racial abuse, that was my son in spades.
I'm a super spy.
This is a cavalier style tailing. Can we tighten it up a little?
Super Spy.
Come on, what do we do when he gets home? What do we need from him?
We need cooperation and maybe his overalls and an ID.
Okay, now I'm back.
And if you don't cooperate, you know what it's like to clean up shit for Steve Haynes. He'll cooperate.
He's pulling up, parked down the block.
Go in and have a word.
Harvey Molina. What the fuck? I can't get nowhere.
You got another one of those, Harvey?
Who are you?
The guy with your best interests at heart. I fill your pockets with money, all you got to do is take a little vacation.
Hey, I work 2 jobs, 3 and a half.
But you don't play ball, I'm gonna force you to do something you really don't want to do. Enjoy your beer.
Successful? Oh yeah, we got to go back to my office. That was easy.
Guess you were right. Steve Haynes is a shitty boss.
Hey, I called Frank while you were in there. He's coming to meet us.
Yeah, huh? What do we need him for?
Brunt work. Information gathering.
What information?
The plans to the office. There aren't any digital copies, or if there are, I'm not clever enough to find them. The architect is LS Bates, so I thought Frank Tail him, take a hard copy.
Sounds complicated. You sure you need these plans?
Yeah, I do, if I'm gonna find a way to bypass a couple of hundred million dollars worth of government security.
Millions? They blew that much?
Government contracts, license to steal.
Wow, we are in the wrong business.
No, you've just taken the wrong contracts. Ah, he's already here.
Yeah, hey, what's the problem, dog?
Steve fucking Haynes.
Of course it's Steve fucking Haynes. It's always Steve Haynes.
That is not strictly true. It's either Steve Haynes or it's Trevor. It's his family. It's always one of them.
Yeah, that's true. It is always one of them. Well, battle and fuck with a horrible family and even worse friends. I told you, Franklin, I ain't a good role model.
Yeah, whatever, dog. It's either this or dealing dime bags. The bullets come cracking at your ass either way.
Thanks.
We need to find out something about this FIB building, a weakness or a way in. Next time I meet a morally destitute, totally delusional, highly corrupt government agent, I hope he's a nice one.
Man, I'm not going in that shit by myself.
No, no, no, no, no. Nobody is going in. We need to do some recon. We need a little more information.
She—
I need the architectural plans. They're not online anywhere, so I'm gonna need paper copies. Now, the architect's name is Chip Peterson. This was his first big commission, and the office is down in Backlot City.
All right, Franklin, you go tail him for a little while, and then we'll talk.
All right, dog, I got you.
Try not to hurt yourself.
Oh, good.
Good, good, good.
I don't know which color should I do for this car. Let me just start upgrading shit.
Somebody, somebody stop that man!
Fucking hell, man, get back here now!
You should have listened.
Thank you for your previous donation. And whoever's wallet was that. I like the sound of that. The vroom vroom.
Statement. Woo!
Look at the sound on that! Now that's a perfect drift circle. Look at that.
All right, dude. Hey, you screwed up my car!
No way! You now got to repair it again. Screwed up my car. You messed up the paint. Go back. You messed up the paint. You messed up my paint job. Look at that. Thank you.
Woo!
Look at the horsepower in this baby! The Hey! Oh, you almost scratched my car. I was about to shoot your car.
No.
Oh, okay.
Hey Mike, it's Franklin, man. I'm following the architect.
All right, don't fuck it up.
All right. Hey, stupid!
You can't be on here without a hat!
Yeah, thanks a lot. It's 4 PM.
Anything we need to be worried about?
The only thing we're worried about is you changing the plans again.
There's always scope for improvement.
Always is.
What is it?
Those idiots drilled the new caissons on the west side.
You're kidding me!
The bedrock ends there.
We need caissons on the east side. Ah, no drama. It's a government contract.
We'll be paid until completion.
I ain't taking a fall for this screw-up. It's a government contract. No one's taking a fall.
Except the government.
I don't know you.
I thought I had final approval on all personnel.
Oh my God, no! It's back to downtown unit. I'll break my foot off in your ass, you cocksucker! I don't like you, Ariel Junior Almonte.
Shit, you're dead!
Shit!
God, you cocksucker!
This is going to be a blast, dickhead motherfucker! What's cracking? Hey, you got him? What's he gonna do, bro?
So, all good?
Sure, homie.
So is this shit for real? You just gonna rob the FBI and be allowed to walk by your boys like that?
Yeah, I don't fuck with them.
Probably not.
What do you got?
I don't quite know yet. Give me a minute. I'm not a fucking computer.
Oh, maybe I am. Here's what I think.
We have two options. The new security software goes into containment mode in case of emergency, you know, earthquakes, mudslides, acts of God. So we hit some fire bombs and they go boom!
Bang!
The emergency call goes out, we hijack it, show up as firemen, and then we grab the containment drive. Or we could hack the system on site. We'll go in by air and hope we don't run into too much physical resistance.
Sounds relaxing. Either bombing an office ran by a division of corrupt government psychos or defeating one of the world's most complex security systems using our worthless-ass ninja skills, huh?
Yeah, eeny meeny miny moe.
If you favor the firebomb containment drive option, you'll go in with that janitor's ID you picked up. It'll be at night when most of the workers are off. You mop the place and plant the bombs where we need them.
Seriously, I got a mop?
Yeah, yeah, you really do. They'll clock you on the cameras if you're play-acting. You also need a fire truck to show up in when the bombs go off, and a getaway car stashed in a quiet place near the Bureau so you can torch the truck and get out. The car doesn't have to be anything special. There shouldn't be any heat.
What about the other way with the, uh, ninja skills?
Now, you choose that route, you won't be using the janitor's gear, but we had to cover all the bases. Your FIB paymasters will have to provide you with a chopper and a pilot. Now, you fly way up above the building, parachute in, and gain access through the roof here. Now, you'll need to be armed to the teeth, mind you, just in case the, uh, shit goes down.
Mopping or parachuting? Wow, you're making this choice really difficult.
Now, Haynes has given us the leftover money from the Polito job to pull this mission, and the crew will be paid out of that. We keep the change. So what's it gonna be? So you do want to mop. Okay, well, you'll need a couple of gunmen. They'll Daryl, uh, I'm not hearing great things, to be honest, but you just might be able to do this with him. Okay, that all look good to you? You are robbing the FIB here. Well, should be okay. He's got a few scores left in him. And we have a winner. I'll make the Angela to call you when we're ready.
All right, shit, hit me.
You know, um, I'm still looking into that Union Depository gig. It's real interesting, but I don't know if we can do it Argh!
Oh, freaky!
Oh shit! Damn!
No fucking way! Climb!
That ain't good. Damn!
What in the world?
You want me to call the cops? I know them all.
We've got a civilian in need of a This— oh no, fuck!
Oh, hey buddy.
Man, I got so big. Get down! Just give up! Jesus Christ! Holy!
Madre mía!
Forgive me, sweetheart. Oh my God, you're kidding!
Christ!
What in God's name?
You absolute fucking idiot!
What's going on, my dude?
Hey, Les, that getaway car's parked where we need it.
All right, give me the location.
Pacific Bluffs.
Good work. Call me when the rest of the prep's taken care of, okay?
Hello?
Yeah, can you send out a cab too?
On its way, sir.
Thanks for calling.
Okay, thanks for your help.
That is messed up.
Hey, my man, where you going? Rockford.
All right, brother, here we are.
Hey, but Hey, I want to say I love you and hug it out, but all that wimpy shit is just— well, I'd say gay, but I have some friends who are gay, so that's not cool anymore. And the ones that I don't really like, it's not because they're gay, so lame. All right, you are just a lame and angry psycho sometimes. You do bad shit and things. I don't know if I love you, and I'm pretty sure I hate you a little bit, but I'm just so fucking upset that we can't even see each other. You're just a drunk, lame dad.
You know what?
That might just be the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me.
So will you buy me a car?
What?
I mean, not in the "So will you buy me a car?" kind of way. In a completely off-topic "Can you buy me a car?" I mean, firstly, I'm a fat shit that you ruined. And secondly, I will get a job and I will stop smoking pot, in that sort of way, okay?
I love you too, son. Now go get a job, because I don't have the money to buy you a car. Besides, which way, I'm probably gonna be dead in a couple weeks anyway.
Please don't die, okay? It's great catching up with You too, Dad.
Yeah. Hey, how's your mother?
Oh, she's great. No, she's not. She's bored. I mean, all this mesmerizing tantric sex she's been having with a much younger, better-built, caring and compassionate man is great and all. What's she gonna do for the other 6 hours of the day?
What the fuck?
I'm just winding you up, you miserable bastard. She's mad at you. She's scared that you're gonna die, and she wants you to go over there and prove that you give a fuck.
All right, all right, all right.
I can take a fucking hit. Let's go.
We'll get Tracy on the way.
Tracy, on the other hand, she's a star, sort of. I think Mom's at Bean Machine.
So what's been happening?
You know, I don't know, stuff.
No, I don't know. Well, what's been happening with you? Uh, thanks. It's been—
it's It's anyone's guess.
Yeah, yeah, I get it.
You were out of the city.
Sure, you guys were gone, so I thought I'd, you know—
Let's maybe not pretend it was anything to do with us. Those beast Hispanic dudes with automatic weapons and blacked-out windows, it kind of made me think it was an involuntary exodus.
Yeah, okay, that'll work.
Oh, okay, here they are. Come on, let's say hi.
Let's walk up and be civil.
No caffeine. Come on, your colon has been sluggish for weeks.
A little bit less lifestyle guru and a little bit more boy toy. Excuse me, I'm trying to write a screenplay.
Hey, Amanda. Fabian.
Michael.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Jimmy.
These two, the picture of holistic well-being, I don't think.
Hey, maybe they shit once a year between them.
Oh, that's my son!
Amanda, come. I have a new unit out on hold. You must pay for it.
Hey, hey, buddy, I'm gonna ask politely that you show my wife a little respect.
Red meat has been blocking your chi as well as your digestive tract.
I ain't even gonna go there. I'm gonna ask you one time, nicely.
Michael, just hit him, please.
Shush, woman!
Anything for you, sweetheart.
What are you doing?
I had some really good work there, you dick!
There's a lot more where that came from, Holmes.
Is he alive?
Yeah, he's fine. Listen, Amanda.
I wanted it.
I've been meaning to say to you, look, I just—
What he's trying to say, Mom, is that he's a pathetic old drunken mess and he needs you. And you could do a lot better than a prima donna yoga instructor with an anal fixation.
Someone shut up!
I guess we could try.
All I'm asking for is a shot.
Central Ground, Dr. Friedlander's office.
It's perfect.
All of us.
I'll pick up Tracy and bring her there.
Meet you?
Fine.
All right, you, come on, get up, you idiot.
Yoga?
No, no yoga.
All right, you know where your sister is, right?
Yeah.
Let's go.
Wait, wait, wait, but what about that sugar caffeine and emulsified pig fat flavored beverage I want.
Another time.
Oh, come on, I won't want to later.
Tracy's meant to be at the tattoo parlor.
What? Tracy's getting another tattoo?
No.
Oh God, no. That Laszlo guy's there. Laszlo?
That asshole?
What's he want?
It's Tracy that wants something. She wants to get back on Fame or Shame after you and Uncle T cut her cameo short.
Well, maybe we ought to help her out with that.
Maybe we ought to.
Hey, let me ask you, back there with your mom, that went okay, didn't it?
Anything that ends with Vivian's burst eardrum is more than okay with me.
I mean, with me and your mom.
I think it's an important first step in, like, the direction of okay, if you know what I mean.
Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean.
Here's the tattoo shop.
Why do you think I need a hard-on, Phil?
So I can give you a deep dickin'. You didn't talk that way 30 years ago.
I'm looking for something hip that, you know, says I'm capable of violence, but I'm awesome in the sack.
So listen, babe, if you want to make it in Vinewood, you got to do whatever it takes.
Even if whatever it takes is a depressed borderline alcoholic who hosts the third most popular talent show amongst the 40-year-old female demographic.
So you'll let me on the show if I blow you?
Yes, and if you could wear some black lipstick. The little guy loves the goth vibe. Oh, whoa, Lazlo, dude, that was entirely out of context.
Bro, Jim, you find the Ink Slinger, sit on him. Lazlo here is gonna have a little cosmetic work done.
No, please.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, stay put, you lame-ass mark.
Sure, kid.
What?
Come on, just not the tongue. I need that for my work.
Ow!
Are you popping a fucking tent over here, you fucking psycho?
Ah, you made me a pouty fucking hipster.
Oh, that looks purdy.
Here, let's get rid of this.
Oh my God, Papa Bear! What's Daddy Number Two gonna think about this?
Let's not get him involved.
Yeah, let's do. Are we gonna match? Will you just cool out? I said I needed security!
Should I draw his 3 pubic hairs? There we go. Oh, nice.
You got like a camera phone or a mirror?
I guess.
Oh yeah, I'll get you a mirror. Smash you over the head with it. Snip, snip.
Oh, this is a real one-stop shop. What are you doing? Oh no, that's my— it's my signature, my ponytail. Now I got to get extensions.
No, what you got to get is my daughter, whatever she wants.
Yeah, without sucking on your piddle stick.
Look, okay guys, that was a joke. I'm a clown. I'm a sad lonely little clown.
You're gonna put her on your show and you're gonna make sure she looks good.
Look, okay, I got a lot of juice in this town, but I mean, I'm not a miracle— Just do it.
Yeah, all right, all right, Trace, let's go. We gotta get to the therapist.
What?
So I'll like call you or something, okay?
Bye. There's ever a family that needs therapy, my pony. How do I look?
You look like a big ass dick.
You could use a tattoo gun.
It's one of those skills you pick up in prison, you know, inking your name on your celly's ass.
Ew, are you serious?
Come on.
No, not quite.
Not to be difficult, but your therapist hasn't exactly been transformative. Foundational to your mental health. So I don't know why he'd be better positioned to help for dysfunctional.
Hey, this was your mother's idea.
Well, I guess it beats yoga.
Pop, now he beats yoga, literally.
Like Fabian around the head with the laptop. Oh yeah, like pow! Our old man released the dude's inner Tranquility all over the beam machine baddie.
To be honest, and I know it's karmically bad, but yeah, I fucking hate that dude.
Yeah, I know, right?
He's so up his own ass. You're a fucking contortionist.
Whoopie!
I contort my junk all day long and I don't act all superior about it. Just a little ashamed and empty inside.
Oversharer.
Hey, guy was talking smack to your mother.
Well, I applaud you, Pop.
Here, here.
You're like finally like using your powers of selfishness and rage for like good. Not an objective universal good, but like a subjective what's in our best interest kind of good.
Fuck yeah! Awesome! Let's rob somebody!
Do it, Dad!
Yeah! Do it!
Do it! Enough! Okay?
I love that we're getting along, but knock it off.
Yeah, don't like actually Actually rob a liquor store? That might, like, kill the mood.
Fucking therapy, let's do that shit.
Hey, how about you just let your mom and me talk, okay? We got some issues we gotta iron out. And seeing as you two aren't into it, you could just sit there and be quiet.
That's cool with me.
I got all the prescriptions I need, at least for the meantime.
Thank you.
You motherfucker!
Hey, what's going on, brother? This shit is fire!
Oh, you know it. Hey, how's it going everyone?
What's going on, my dude? Yeah, what's cracking?
Hello. Hey man, what's up?
Michael, kids, let's go inside. Okay.
Amanda!
Hello! Good to see you again, Michael. I'm so glad.
Isn't this great?
Fantastic, Michael.
Be positive.
I am being positive. This is me being positive.
Give it up, Michael.
The sarcasm, it's one of the reasons I moved out. It's beneath you.
No, it's not, Amanda. Trust me, nothing's beneath me.
No, normally there's a whore beneath you.
You know, for someone who spends every waking moment working on themselves inside and out, I got to tell you, the progress has been really fucking slow.
How would you know what progress is like, you stupid murdering shit?
Uh, gee, because all you do is whine at me.
Oh, all I do is wine. Michael, could you please stop murdering people? Michael, could you please stop endangering me and the both of your children? You kill people and then you sit in the sun and drink and feel guilty about it. That is not worth—
I don't see you complaining on the way to the fucking bank.
Let's face Amanda, we're trailer trash, you and me. We were taught to do this.
Get a center, Michael. You have no center.
How about you suck my cock?
Huh?
No, wait.
We'll both get a center before that ever happens.
You are such a fucking animal. A deranged animal.
You're fucking ain't right on deranged. How could I not be?
I should have had you locked up years ago, you stupid shit.
Do it.
Do it. I'll put you in the fucking ground with the rest of them.
And that's really all the time we have.
Oh, great.
I think we made some real progress there. Oh, Michael, I hope this goes without saying, but family work is a little more expensive.
What, double?
Squared.
Of course. Take care now.
Hey, so you gonna come home with me or what?
Guess we'll give it a try.
All right then.
Kids, so will you drive us home?
[MASKED] $4,000 for therapy is crazy.
You know, there was a moment there I thought—
what?
I don't like Maybe we still had a ways to go, you know? Like, maybe we need more time.
Time for what?
Time to move beyond screaming at each other.
That was cathartic.
Catharsis all over my face.
Ooh, I got a warm fuzzy feeling.
Probably just the meds you rated.
Okay, cathartic. All right, I just don't want it to be more of the same.
Now you're the one making the demands?
No, no, no, not demands. I'm saying you're right. Something was broke and we got to work at fixing it.
We do, all of us.
Yes, Mom, for real, peeps. Because I started to understand something in there.
No one else gets this family.
Not Dr. Friedlander, or my yoga teacher, or our tennis coach, or the juice guy, or the dog walker.
Oh, hey, hey!
Or Jimmy's third or the trash guy, or Dad's proctologist, or the guy that thinks he's Jesus on Vespucci Beach, or the hippie bum who thinks the world is ending.
We're stuck with each other.
I mean, how do you explain faking our deaths, changing our names, all the lying to the FIB, that monster Trevor?
There's no explaining Uncle T.
Hey, is he coming to the next therapy session?
What?
No!
Jeez!
Just one thing, Michael.
Don't get us killed and don't get killed.
Can you do that?
I'll give it my best shot. With every fiber of my being, I will do whatever it takes to make sure it doesn't happen. Promise.
And no more hookers or other women.
Yeah, Dad.
Gross.
You're better than that, Pop.
Guys, I'm not really comfortable having this conversation.
Just keep it in your pants.
Okay, yeah, it's so demeaning how you treat women.
Here we are. Home sweet home. Remember this place?
Kids, rooms. If you find dead bodies, cheap women, or Trevor Phillips, we're checking into the Rockford Hills Hotel.
Wasn't me!
Oh.
Oh man, that's better. Hello? Yeah, can you send out a cab to me?
I'm sending one out right now.
Thank you.
Call me this weekend.
So where do you want to go?
Rockford Hills.
Hey, we're here.
Hello, hello.
Good to see you, slick.
Devin, the hell are you doing here?
It's over, Michael.
You done good, kid.
You kept this bullshit up long enough to help me trigger a fantastic insurance payout when the plug is pulled.
I love you.
You're, you're like my spirit brother.
Now, where's Solomon?
He's out getting the negatives, the film, whatever the fuck it is. The last dinosaur in town is about to get fossilized.
What are you talking about?
Look, the movie's nearly done, so if the plug's pulled now, the investors, meaning us, get a massive insurance payout. Meanwhile, I can use that to get the other major shareholder, the old bastard's idiot son, to agree to tear this relic down and let me redevelop develop the area for condos. Ah, and in this economy, the city's gonna let me build tax-free. I might even get some rebates. It is a brilliant thing, and it is all thanks to you and Molly's eye for the details of the insurance policy.
Michael, they're fucking us! The suits, and they don't even wear suits! Wolves in turds clothing!
Try not to take it too badly, Mr. Richards.
Were you ever a human being?
Look, people used to like films. Now they like what? Videoing themselves beating off on their iFruit phones. Don't blame me. I'm a very spiritual person. I feel badly about this, but evolution is evolution. Gentlemen, Molly, namaste.
Can I take the film now, Mr. Richards? My plane leaves in 25 minutes.
Can't we do something? At least let me finish the picture, then close the place down.
I'm afraid our timetable doesn't allow for that. Goodbye, Mr. Richards.
Where the hell is she going with that movie?
She is taking the only copy offshore, somewhere nice and discreet.
Analog.
God, it's certainly got its complications.
Michael, can you do something?
No, he can't do anything, pal. It's an inevitability.
My wife got screwed by a yogi, and now I'm getting screwed by a yogi.
Fuck that! I'm a producer! Nobody fucks with my film!
Okay, okay, the airport.
Why did you do that?
You want to lose your life?
I don't want to. Looking good.
Slow it down, Slick. You're not thinking.
Hey!
I'm a producer.
I'm producing the goods.
Don't do this, Slick.
Think.
She's got a police escort.
She's on the way to my personal hangar.
Security at the airport work for me.
I just want to get the film back before she does anything rash with it.
Molly's highly strung. She's not going to stop and talk it out with a deranged killer chasing after her. That ain't who I am today.
Look, I don't I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to get my movie.
Slow down and use your brain. Fun time is over.
Ah!
Attention, La Perdida. Departing in 3 hours for escort from this college show.
Destination is the King's Hangar at Los Santos International.
This is total bullshit.
Please calm down. We're here to escort you to the hangar. You do not need to go that fast. Please relax. The Devin Weston hangar was back there on your left. Fuck!
Michonne, you're in the path of aircraft. This is not a safe place to drive.
Say it like it is, pal.
She's totally flipped. What'd she do? There is no need to panic. The LSPD are here to escort you to the hangar. There is no need to drive erratically.
Please calm down.
You went past the hangar. Oh shit!
Michelle, you're endangering yourself and my fellow officers. Yeah, you're telling me. She's gone crazy.
You want to take a plane full of tourists with you?
No, no, no! Stop your car! Pull it over already! Stop your car now, Michelle!
That man's a murderer!
He wants to kill me!
On the floor, lady! On the fucking floor!
Clear the hangar.
Lady, you need a friend.
Clear the area!
Hey, come on! It kills people!
Help me! Out of my way!
Oh, stop! Look out!
That didn't have to happen.
Hey, I'm just a witness, okay?
We are already airborne in Willowgate.
She's the one behind this.
That's the perfect way to lose the pole.
Please, they can't catch me in here.
Ah!
I loved you once, Tony, but there's nothing between us now that I know you prefer dictation.
Really? We're doing this now? I just watched Devin Weston's legal counsel get juiced in a jet engine.
Oh, that Molly woman?
Oh Lord, that's horrible.
You have no idea. She panicked, went crazy, and ran into it. But I saved the print, so we still got our movie.
You believe that analog thing? It's all digital. We have backups everywhere. I mean, we're shooting on green screen. Well, you could have told me. I'm sorry. Look, I thought you knew. The edit's nearly done, and we've got to get it out before they can screw us again. I've greenlit a premiere that will stop them from burying us.
A premiere? For Meltdown? Okay, can you invite my family? They can finally have something to be proud of me for.
Of course, it's already on its way by courier.
All right, shit, I'll get ready. It was An American Divorce, by the way, the movie quote, obviously.
Man, I'm drunk, but shit, I ain't getting drunker. Hey, I need a cab.
On its way, sir.
Thanks for calling, appreciate it.
Hey, my man, where you going?
Pillbox Hill.
This is as far as I can go.
Devon Weston.
Hey buddy, your friend Michael is a dangerous guy to be around.
Well, guess what? I'm a dangerous guy too, and will be until I get the cast I need. To be paid.
Hey, Michael has fucked with the wrong guy. The chips are falling, and you better make sure you're on the right side of the table, pal.
I'm fucking pretty sure I'm where I need to be.
The more cheat codes you know, guys, the more better the, the game will go.
Oh my God! Seriously intense.
Hey there, pussy, are you watching? This is safer than crossing the street.
Oh shit.
Well, less people have died doing this than crossing the street.
How about that?
They called me insane when I said sell all your American equities, and now look at this shit hole Come on, ladyboy, let's go! Oh no, I'm too black!
Oh shit!
Oh no, I'm black, I can't fly! Accelerating, duh!
Boom! Chair cocktail with a twist!
Shaken, not stirred! Drink it in, big guy! Yeah, I see it. Okay, whatever you say, man.
Oh, look who put on his big boy pants this morning! Yeah, history coming at you live!
Aim for that flatbed truck down there. Truck? What fucking truck?
The one that's accelerating, bro.
This is what I hate though. I hate these accelerators.
Flat fucking truck.
What? That's accelerating, duh.
What?
Coming at you, lad.
Aim for that flatbed truck down there.
Truck?
What fucking truck? The one that's accelerating. Oh, I'm black.
Oh, I landed on the chair. At least I got a place to sleep. Let me stop, let me stop.
Down there. Truck? What fucking truck?
Accelerating. I'm about to skip this mission.
I think I can skip it. Oh yeah, I can, cuz I truck.
What fucking truck?
The one that's accelerating, duh.
Yeah, I'm about to skip it.
All right, yes, skip it. Dudes, that was insane! Hey Franklin, it's me Jeff. I'm gonna drop you at the garage on Elgin. Okay, Dom. Gangster by night, parachute pussy by day. Oh, you should make that your long line. Sales, bro. Who's buying?
Not me.
Oh Christ.
Hey, we'll hook up over the landing rest bar and I might shoot you again. So, do a hold. Gun! Su carro está de puta madre. Oh shit!
What the fuck, dude?
These are cheat codes. Keep in mind, these are cheat codes. So no, I'm not hacking. No, I'm not doing— these are cheat codes. So before any of you guys say, oh, he's hacking, I'm not. 6-3. All right, bet. So these are explosive melee attacks. You see how I was able to just do that shit? Yeah, so basically, yeah. I just deadass did that to a car with a kick. No, I know you didn't say anything. I just didn't want to be that type of person that it's like, oh, he's cheating. Oh, you know what I'm trying to say? Like, I don't want them to be thinking I'm cheating, you know? Is it, um, Yeah, also too, right, because I don't want to get banned either. Like, hold up, I'm gonna test it out. I'm gonna test it out on a human, like on a regular CPU, because I actually want to see how it is. Um, so Explosive again is 199. 4, 6, 8, 4, 2. I always find cheat codes in every other game, so that's how I'll be winning sometimes games too, by using cheat codes. 4, 6, 8, 4, 2. It's one of a nerd things actually, like the My Hero Academia You can use a lot of cheat codes for that one too. I know my girlfriend witnessed it the last time when she was here. Am I right, babe, or no? I bet so. I'mma try get out of here, man. I see. Oh, I was about to leave you alone, but you know what? You told me fuck you. You're gonna be my test subject. Damn. Awesome, yo. Okay, uh, I know there's one thing that makes me immortal, so let me activate that cheat. I want to see real quick. Uh, one. 999. There's one that makes you immortal, but I forgot what it was. Before the police ends up coming, I don't want to end up, um, yeah, nah, because if the police ends up coming, that's— I'm like, fuck, like, you know what I'm trying to say? Flaming bullets. Oh, invincibility. Okay, now I remember. Uh, Invincibility. It makes you invincible for like 5 minutes and shit. So like, it's, uh, 7, 2, 4, uh, 6, 5, 1. All right, hold up. I'mma, I'mma let them, I'mma let them catch me and stuff like that, and then I'll enter in the stupid thing. Um, max health and armor. Oh yeah, this also armor thing. Build money, ammo, body armor has been confiscated by the cops. Oh, you Are you fucking kidding me? Oh, you know what, fuck this. Uh, 199-724. 4, 6, 5. I got enough money as it is, so why not? 6, 5, 4, 5. 5, 3, 7. All right, so this gives me invincibility. Um, so what I'll do is, uh, this gives me invincibility.
Watch.
See how I'm not dying and whatever? Yeah, yeah, I'm not dying because I see— so basically you'll have invincibility for like 5— see, and this is the one of the most biggest fear that police has, having a bulletproof black man.
Ah!
Ah, yeah, so basically, yeah, but you see, I haven't died yet cuz this sheet makes you invincible. All right, now let me just bitch slap this one. Up. Yeah, but you have a time limit for and invincibility. My thing is I want to be able to be in a burning car. So this is, this is the theory I want to test real quick. Uh, oh, oh, to bring your stars down too, you can always, um, 1, 9, 9, 9.
Hey, move, move!
Damn you, dumbass!
Uh, I forgot the code. I think it's 199, bro. I'm sorry, 5, 2 9, 9, I don't really care. 5, 2, 9, 9, 3, 7, 8, 7. And my wanted level is down by 2 stars. She activated. See, your wanted level is down. That's another thing you could do. But, uh, yeah, there's more cheats in the game. All these games have cheats in general.
Um, Oh, shit!
You see, I would have been wasted. I would have been wasted too, right? See, but I'm not. Not because— but yeah. Oh man, cheat codes are the best. All right, yeah, let me, um, go back to Trevor. Oh God.
Believe it or not, I need a cab. I'm sending one out right now. Much obliged.
Yes, thank you for calling back. Well, my man sure loves—
Hurry up and wait. Sorry about that, fellas.
So where do you want to go?
Okay, okay.
What about, uh, restraints and handcuffs and all that good stuff?
Y'all got that too?
Okay, buddy, there you go.
You have any testicles?
You make me Don't mumble! Own it! I don't care what you say. Shut your mouth. Shut it. Shut— just keep it shut. You know full well exactly what you didn't say. It's no good. Well, you can be surrounded by your young girls and your threesomes and your parties, and you will be miserable. You could have had it all with me. A beige condo, matching woolen sweaters, walks on the beach, a little dog with I lavish too much attention on because I'm too scared of getting fat to get pregnant. Everything. Well, fuck you, and I don't care that we just met last week, all right? Just stop looking at me. Don't look at me. Say something. Oh, I wish you were dead. I really do.
Oh, I love you. Oh, let me take you away from all of this.
He was gonna impregnate my ex via a surrogate.
Me?
Me, the psycho?
No, you are the craziest fucking chick I've ever met.
I love you.
You're thin, you're irrationally angry, nothing you say makes any sense. You are completely— have no control of your emotions. We have nothing in common.
Oh baby, we're made for each other.
Prove it on the bike now.
Oh sweet.
You're incredible! Marry me!
Be done with this!
Shut up! Don't talk to me!
I defended your honor! I took out the alpha male! Evolution demands that we rut like beasts!
Oh God!
Bury the misogynistic law of the jungle bullshit!
That volcano of issues inside you, I wanna see it erupt!
You are just perfect, crazy cakes.
You're incredible! Marry me!
Be done with this!
Shut up! Don't talk to me!
I defended your honor! I took out the alpha male! Evolution demands that we rut!
Like, stick to your own line! Look at you! You got nothing!
You are just perfect, crazy cakes!
Just call me when you're ready.
You're incredible, Mary B.
B. I'm done with this.
Stop!
Don't talk to me!
I defended your honor. I took out the alpha male. Evolution demands that we rut like beasts.
Oh, John, very the misogynistic laws of jungle bullshit. Is that supposed to impress me? Watch where you're going! Oh no, don't tell me I gave you a concussion! You, the carbon bike!
You don't understand.
I want you to hate me.
You're so going to crash.
Just think of all the angry revenge sex.
I am not having sex with you.
Get Okay, jack me off into a cop, slap me around. We got options, baby.
You need help.
We both do. It's a recipe for disaster. That's why it's so perfect.
Come on, baby.
I hear that new Pro X Plus. Whatever, dude. Woo!
I win!
Come on!
Come on what?
Sex reward!
That's how this works.
You're deluded. Spread your genome in a gym sock.
Bitches love an asshole.
Fuck, I love you!
Hold me! Can I get a cab ASAP?
Not a problem, a driver's on the way.
Wonderful.
Where can I take you? The GW— That's the ride, my man.
2 minutes, that's all I ask. Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Anything?
Nice house, isn't it?
You like it?
Selling it.
You want to buy it? I'm downsizing.
No, no, I'm good.
I used to sell houses like this all the time, okay? I sold dreams. I made lives meaningful.
I'm not sure about that.
How much you like— you like beautiful things though, don't you?
Sure.
Well, I just I just happen to know the most beautiful woman. You want a bouncy bouncy?
Josh.
Josh Bernstein. Yeah, I'm the Josh Bernstein.
Yeah, I never heard of you.
Oh well, I used to be a big deal once. Taken away my meal ticket. Where's the chicken?
I'll get to that, I'll get to that.
See, it's not really, it's not really money that I'm after here. It's just, it's a little something more awkward than that. Now, Lenny Avery, he, he was my best friend, and now he has taken all of my clients.
All of them.
Do you think that you could take out all of his for sale signs?
That was easy.
She's worth it, man.
I love you. I love you.
I love you.
Lenny Avery.
