How to climb off the cliff To lady Hellbenders Lair--Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy
The excerpt is a dialogue‑driven script featuring the Guardians of the Galaxy as they navigate a chaotic mission to trade Groot to the monstrous Lady Hellbender in exchange for a hefty price. The team debates the logistics of climbing a cliff, using jet‑boots, and employing a tracking device, while Rocket and Peter banter about smells, bravery, and sales tactics. They negotiate the value of Groot (or an alternate "Flora Colossus") with Lady Hellbender, haggling over units ranging from 9,000 to 20,000. Interspersed are flashback‑style exchanges between a young Peter Quill and his mother, revealing personal stakes, teenage angst, and family dynamics. Throughout, the characters display their signature humor, rivalry, and moral concerns about killing, stealth, and loyalty, culminating in a tense but comedic showdown with Hellraiser guards and the promise of a risky rescue operation.
Chapters
Ellie, then slimy stinky crawl spaces, and now all these monsters. I hate this farting planet.
You hate everything, Rocket.
True, but especially the stinky slime tunnel part. Itchy fur is where I draw the line.
Hey, we're a team. If we're gonna smell like butt, we're gonna smell like butt together.
That is most eloquent, Peter Quill.
I will smell like butt with you.
Yeah, really great speech.
So what do we do if all don't go well with Lady 8?
We going to fight a monster queen?
She would be a formidable adversary indeed.
Lady Hellbender isn't her adversary. If all goes well, she's going to be our business partner.
And if all don't go well, then we'll know we We should have sold Groot instead.
Groot says we should check things out over here.
Groot, give me a bridge here. The fortress is right on the other side of those cliffs.
Pretty sure it's this way, but I'm not sure. I don't see an easy way to get up there.
Easy is rarely worth the effort.
For you, maybe. I love these. So when are the rest of us gonna get jet boots?
It takes years of special training to operate these things.
Deep freeze.
Whoa! Can I try ice cubing something?
Nope.
Man, you're such a gas blast.
So if we're gonna haggle with the Monster Queen, how much are we asking for our monster?
395 million units, give or take 2. One for every precious hair follicle on this flawless body.
You have counted.
This is bizarre.
Hey, at least I had something to count.
No, it ain't.
The tree say he says all this moisture is good for us and will make us grow.
In your case, that is doubtful.
I agree with Groot. It's important to stay hydrated.
Not this hydrated.
Whoa, that is definitely in my top 10 fortresses.
What the—
You said that corned beef so Boston was supposed to be rare.
She already has a whole herd of them.
So we wasted our time, almost got killed for nothing, and got arrested.
That was fun.
It was moderately amusing.
Now we've got a ticking time bomb on the ship, and we owe money to the Guys, every misstep was just a step in the right direction towards completing our best plan yet.
Say that again.
What if we brought one of those ugly suckers all the way here only to find out Lady H already had a full set?
That would have sucked big time.
Exactly. If we even got that far. What if we've been towing that thing when Nova Corps intercepted us?
They would have taken our beast.
See, this is working out. Sure, in a kind of—
Let's just get this done. You can't be serious.
Okay, it's farther than it looked. Much farther.
It's a flarkin' infinity bridge is what it is.
Are you being dramatic, rodents? Bridge ends at the fortress, therefore it is not infinite.
Yeah, that's super comforting. Guess we gotta go.
3 cycles.
Peter?
Aren't you forgetting something?
Are you wounded?
Oh, right. Cage.
What's the point of even getting the F.L.A.R.K.E.T.
thing? He's looking like they mean business.
All right, Rocket, time to put on your monster face.
I only got one face, Quill.
Are you sure about this, Peter?
Look at him.
You better have one hell of a sales pitch.
Maybe Gamora's right. We should try selling Groot instead.
Really? This is an affront to democracy.
I just think that we might need Rocket on the outside for this one. Peter Quill, we're not a democracy, Drax.
Yeah, we noticed.
You want to make that call, then you better not mess this up.
You hang tight there, bud. When the time comes, I'll get you out of there, Rocket style.
If I got it.
Drax, Gamora, can you help me with this? What? Why?
To guarantee your safety as our leader.
Oh, come on.
Don't look at me, I ain't pulling that thing.
Remember, buddy, menacing, like me, only, uh, bigger.
I am Groot.
Not bad, not bad.
Okay, here we go. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Little bit close.
Easy, big guy. Don't know what you heard, but we just want to bring you back a new friend. I know it can't understand me, but maybe it responds good to soothing tones.
Does anybody have like a campfire song or something we can sing to kill the time? Oh, oh, I know one. It's called—
Please stop.
Right, yeah, okay. Wait, is "Please Stop" the name of your song?
No.
Okay. So how long before someone else wants to pull this thing?
We're 60 clicks from the fortress.
I'd say closer to 75.
There is only one way to know for sure. 0.1 clicks. 0.2 clicks.
0.9. 2.1.
0.3 clicks.
4.5.
0.4 clicks. 0.5 clicks. 0.6 clicks.
6. Quietly, birthday boy.
When are you taking your piece?
Hey, Star-Lord, who's the guy with the scary eyes? If you don't hurry, I'm going to eat that whole cake myself.
13 whole years.
Look at you.
Where does time go?
I'll be up in a sec, I promise.
Right.
Oh, that was fast.
Give me a sec, I didn't think you'd actually come up.
Maybe being on time is my new thing.
Oh right, we'll see about that when I have to get you up for school. School tomorrow.
You know, I think I'm too old for that too.
Nice try, smart aleck.
Sit.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna sing.
I like your singing.
Well, you might be the only one. Go on, make a wish. You're officially a teenager. Look at all those girlfriends! Someone's gonna be really popular at school.
Mom!
What?
You are very handsome. I'm sure all the girls are gonna be falling in love.
Mom!
What did you wish for?
Why would I wish for anything? I've got everything I want.
Oh, what huge favor are you about to ask me?
Just 10 bucks. Dan, Andy, and I want to go see Night of the Cosmos at the Rio tonight.
A movie?
Tonight?
Come on, it's gonna be sick. It's about these zombies that invade Earth, and then it's up to these kids that have to blow them away.
I don't think I want you to see that, Peter. I let you watch the hockey mask one and you were sleeping in my bed the next 3 nights.
You watched The Exorcist when you were younger than me.
Of course you would remember that. And then I ask you if you packed your lunch and you give me a blank stare. No, I just— I, I wanted us to have some us time tonight, you know? Maybe finish our game. You can't duck out right when I'm about to win.
We can still do all that stuff. Or some of it tomorrow. You're always telling me to get out of the house more.
A movie theater does not count as out of the house, and you know it.
Pretty please?
I don't know. Truck's still in the shop, and I don't want you walking alone in the dark. There's been a lot of weirdos out there. It's not safe.
I'll be careful, Ma. I always am.
Were you careful when you got that black eye?
I told you I was—
I know!
You were standing up for someone, which is a good thing, but you cannot go punching your way out of every problem, Peter.
I couldn't just stand there.
No, of course not. Okay, get me my purse. Not so fast. Before you go, there's something I want to talk to you about. Something I want to give you.
$20?
Don't push it. Think of it as a long overdue gift from your father. It's upstairs on my bed. Go on and get it while I finish up in the kitchen, and we can open it together. Will Dan and Andy be spending the night?
Little guy put up a big fight. Wouldn't have been able to land them without Grandpa's tricks. I miss them so much. Grandma used to take me into town on Sundays to run errands. We'd stop for ice cream on the way home. Even in winter. Sometimes Grandma and Grandpa would let me sleep with them if I was too afraid down in the basement. I don't know much about art, but I know that this is excellent. Grandma really had talent.
At last! Huh?
We have arrived at the Monster Queen's fortress.
At its entrance, anyway.
As I was saying, you don't trust me, Rocket?
With Groot?
Flark no. I ain't putting his bark solely in your hands.
Your call, Peter.
You're just jealous my plan's better. You're green with envy.
Better than black and blue.
I'm sure you make a great point, Gamora, but I gotta go with Rocket for reasons. Ha!
Eat scut, Woberry.
And I mean, I know what I'm agreeing to, but just for everyone else, can you explain that again?
What's coming?
After we sell Groot, we sneak back in and use my tracking device to find him and bust him out.
Name?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
Never heard of you.
Well, you do live on a mudball in the middle of nowhere.
What's that?
What he means is you will have. We're huge in the Kree system.
What's in the box?
A rare creature, last of his kind, and all-around swell guy.
Looks like a bush.
It is a tree.
I'm Groot.
A talking tree. That's new. All right, get going before I change my mind. And if the lady don't like it, I'll be carting out what's left of you in that box.
Thanks, officer. Have a nice day, officer.
Whatever.
Not exactly an easy way out if this all goes to hell.
It's going to go great. We got a killer monster and a solid plan.
The tree is no killer. We should be selling the angry rodent. Lady Hellbender will be displeased.
What, I'm supposed to be scared just because she's got Ariel in her name? She runs a glorified zoo. That's no zoo.
It's a flarkin' army.
Any chance they're the zookeepers with guns?
I have never seen an Orthos tamed. I have seen one trample a man to pulp.
It's fine. Worst comes to worst, we hightail it for the Milano.
Unless she's got a fleet of Shi'ar dropships.
Yeah, like she's got a bunch of ships to take her old monster mash on tour.
I stand corrected. Those ain't fear.
Oh, come on.
Why did we not simply dock here and avoid the planet's inhospitable surface?
Great question.
Next time, I'm flying.
Indeed.
We needed time to iron out the plan. Now it's foolproof.
Lady Hellbender is no fool.
When her monster goes missing, she'll assume it was us.
Assume, yes, but not know. Not chase us across the galaxy level of know, at least.
Are you flarkin' kidding me? Look at this place. It'll take forever to find Groot after we sell him.
Peter Quill expects you to use your insect device.
Bug.
Relax, Rocket. We've got your tracker thing, right?
Don't exactly draw us a map, Quill. It's more like a hot/warm sort of thing.
You mean hot/cold, right?
What?
The Caleran skull! That is truly a priceless trophy.
Oh, a woman with expensive tastes. That's good news for our deal. Come on, we're a team. We stick together. All for one and one for all.
That's surprisingly insightful. Did you just make that up?
Yep, just now. Totally off the top of my head.
Follow me and pay attention. You will not approach Lady Hellbender's throne. If she chooses to approach you, you will remain still. No erratic movements.
I am humbled by my king's confidence.
Spare me your empty platitudes.
Please, my queen, I meant no offense.
I know what you meant.
Do not play me for a fool. You are not the first to claim they have captured Atara Taranis.
You doubt its authenticity?
If it is what you say it is, prove it. Or suffer the consequence of every other would-be con artist.
I assure you, my lady—
I said release it.
We got this.
You are free.
Here.
Bring in the next seller and transfer 10,000 units to that last one's next of kin. Speak.
Hey there, I'm Star-Lord.
Okay.
Drax the Destroyer. The undoing of the Mad Titan in the flesh.
And such flesh.
Your presence honors me.
You are much smaller than I expected.
Oh?
And what were you expecting? Perhaps I can do something about it.
Unlikely.
We'll see, Destroyer. I can be quite forceful.
Peter Quill, I believe she is flirting with me.
Just play along, man. Flatter her or something. You got this.
It's for the best. Your negotiation skills are terrible. Lady Hellbender, I can see by the size of your weapon that you must be a skillful warrior.
Perhaps I can give you a demonstration sometime.
You would make an acceptable opponent.
Tell me, Destroyer, what brings you to Sednar 9?
Peter Quill.
Show her the creature.
A Flora Colossus. I thought your kind had been wiped out. Name your terms, Destroyer.
20,000 units.
20,000?
The creature is not monstrous like the creepy little beast, but it is a capable warrior, and it possesses regenerative qualities. It's the last of its species. 20,000 units is sufficient compensation.
No.
No?
What do you mean no?
I mean no.
Well, then you're an idiot, lady.
Hey there. Hi, Star-Lord again, the leader of the Guardians of the Galaxy. Trax was just messing with you, 10,000 units would be more than enough.
The amount I demanded was not a mistake.
Don't you think 10,000 is a more reasonable amount, Drax?
I do not.
He's— he is just kidding. 10,000 units and we'll throw in a coupon.
Enough!
If I wish to hear curs whine, I'd visit the feeding pens. 9,000 units for the Flora Colossus Destroyer.
9,537 for the cage.
Deal. The storms of Sekhnoth grow rabid. Eternus, you will stay among my Hellraisers and revel as one of us.
Yeah, this is great.
We'd be—
thank you.
No, no, of course I will. I'll call you.
I'll call you.
You guys were supposed to wait for me. You took too long. I was establishing an alibi. You were flirting with a Cygnarfian beast handler who confirmed that Groot is definitely probably being kept in the new additions pen.
Which is where exactly?
Well, we didn't quite get that far.
Good thing we're doing my plan. Tracker's pointing back to Lady Skull Suit's throne room, so, uh, that's where I'm going.
Tiny little problem.
Boy, when these guys go, they go hard.
They're heavily inebriated.
Doesn't mean they're not a threat. My best blade work happens after I've had a few.
If a few scutknuckles got to die to save Groot, so be it.
Whoa!
Hey, we are not here to start a war with the woman who's got her own private army.
No, it doesn't rob her.
If we do things right and be quiet, we'll be in and out with no one the wiser. Drax, what part of quiet don't you understand?
Dead is quiet, Peter Quill.
No killing.
Don't touch anything. Don't step on anything. Don't break anything. Don't do anything stupid. If we mess this up, it's game over for Groot and us. Gotta hand it to the lady, she knows how to throw a party. It was like this with the Ravagers too. Yondu was a real work hard, play hard sort.
Thanos doing either usually
