Dr Greg Bahnsen - Proverbs: Proverbs 13:24 (Spared Rod, Sparse Love Part 2) (Part 53)

This Lord's day, I had originally made plans to preach on the subject of mass confusion, referring to the visit of the Pope in our country and the error of the Roman Catholic Mass which he is celebrating, as well as the many other confusions that attend the Roman Catholic understanding Christianity. I thought that would be timely and appropriate. I do not apologize for sometimes being negative in my preaching. I think the word of God calls for us to do that, to discern truth by distinguishing it from error. However, something very interesting happened during this last week, which I thought it was incumbent upon me to respond to, and that's that after preaching, well, I guess very much overtime, we even ran out of tape. I preached so Long Last Lord's Day, and having maybe had to drop a page or two of my sermon. Even at that, a number of requests came from the congregation to continue this theme about the raising of children, and after the consideration of those requests, it seemed to me more appropriate to scratch where you itch than to pursue my original plan to deal with the Pope. Maybe I'll get to him next week. Anyway, I'd like you to turn in your Bibles with me this morning. The Proverbs, the 13th chapter. We will take as our scripture reading all of the passages dealing with the discipline of children that we looked at last week. And so hopefully you can go through quickly and find these verses as I called them out to you. We'll begin in the 13th chapter at the 24th verse, and I'll ask you to hear this reading as it truly is the word of God. He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him seeks him early with discipline. And then chapter 19, verse 18. Discipline your son, since there is hope in it, and do not set your heart on his destruction. Chapter 22, verse 6. Train up a child according to his own way, and when he is old, he will not depart from it. And verse 15 of that chapter. Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction will drive it far from him. Chapter 23, verses 13 to 16. Withhold not correction from the child. If you punish him with the rod, he will not die. You shall punish him with the rod, and deliver his soul from hell. My son, if your heart is wise, my own heart will be glad. Yes, my heart will rejoice when your lips speak right things. Proverbs 29, 15, 17. The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself causes shame to his mother. Verse 17. Discipline your son, and he will give you peace. Yes, he will bring delight to your soul and thus far, the reading of God's holy word. I'd like to read for you 12 rules for raising Delinquent Children. These rules were published as something of a sarcastic way of instructing people. Published by the Houston Police Department. Very interestingly, and I think you might take some interest in them, because these rules, I think, reinforce last week's sermon and its concern for raising children with discipline, a discipline that chastises their misdeeds. And so, a word from the Houston Police Department. Rule number one. If you want to raise a delinquent child, begin with infancy to give your child everything he wants. In this way, he will grow up believing the world owes him a living. 2. When he picks up bad words, laugh at him. This will make him think he's cute. It will also encourage him to pick up cuter phrases that will blow your head off later. 3. Never give him any spiritual training. Wait till he's 21 and let him decide for himself. 4. Avoid use of the word wrong. It may develop a guilt complex. This will condition him to believe later, when he is arrested for stealing a car, that society is against him and he is being persecuted. Rule 5. Pick up everything he leaves lying around. Books, shoes, clothing. Do everything for him so he will be experienced in throwing all responsibility onto others. 6. Let him read any printed matter he can get his hands on. Be careful that the silverware and drinking glasses are sterilized, but let his mind feast on garbage. 7. Quarrel frequently in his presence. In this way he will not look shocked when the home is broken up later. 8. Give a child all the spending money he wants. Never let him earn his own. Why should he have things as tough as you had them? 9. Satisfy his every craving for food, drink and comfort. See that every sensual desire is gratified. Denial may lead to harmful frustration. 10. Take his part against neighbors, against teachers and against policemen. They are all prejudiced, you know, against your child. 11. When he gets into real trouble, apologize for yourself by saying, I could never do anything with him. And 12. Prepare for a life of grief. You're very apt to have it. Now, I'm not looking to the police department to supply our inspired instruction this morning, but I would like to suggest to you that if even the Gentiles, even those who make no profession of saving faith in Jesus Christ, even those who by their own occupation could not become a religious organization propounding the truths of the Bible, and if even in their experience they have the wisdom to see, as they put it sarcastically, that this is the wrong way to raise a child and you are just asking for grief if you do it, then how much more should God's people be aware of these things? How much more should we be willing to live in terms of the wisdom set down from God's word about the need to discipline our children to raise them up in the fear and admonition of the Lord? And that includes the use of the rod. That includes positive molding and reproof. That means setting boundaries up in their lives and expecting them to conform to them. In part two of this sermon about sparse love in the home, I want to turn to comments which pertain not so much to the negative task of punishment of the disobedient behavior of our children, that it's not so much focusing on the rod per se. But now I'd like to look at the positive task of molding or training children in Christian character. I'd like to look at raising our children in wisdom. And so if you need a title for part two, I guess I would call it on the Positive Raising of Our Children in Wisdom. Obviously that calls for the negative part of applying the rod when they are disobedient and rebellious and they go beyond the boundaries. But it also calls for a positive understanding of how to mold them in godly Christian character. For the sake of those of you who may have missed last week or those of you who didn't take notes and would like now to take some, and also for those who might be listening by tape and missed the end of it, I'm going to briefly summarize what we said last week. Before we go on. However, we began last week by noting the biblical significance of the rod. That term, the rod, is used throughout the Bible. It's used of God very often. And we learn from those biblical passages that the rod stands for painful correction of rebellious or wayward behavior. And we learn as well that it is not ungodly. It is very godlike to use the rod, for God Himself does use it. We saw secondly last week that the book of Proverbs teaches us that it's foolishness in human character. It's foolishness in the nature of man that makes corporeal punishment necessary. The Bible speaks of fools and scoffers being made wise by the rod. By punishment and stripes. The foolishness of people is driven out of them. The strokes of bruising cleanse away evil, Proverbs 20:30 tells us, and strokes reach the innermost parts. And so we should know that when God chastens us, let's learn this first and foremost from a theological standpoint. When God chastens us, when he puts difficult times in our lives, he does it because he's marking out a fatherly favor for us. In Hebrews, the 12th chapter, we read that if God did not discipline us, we would be bastards, for that's what a father does, or the lack of a father. When a person does not truly live up to his obligations as a father, the child goes undisciplined. And so God says, it's for the sake of my love of you as my children that I chasten you. It shows that I love you. And yes, it is grievous now. Later, it will yield the peaceable fruit of righteousness. And so, taking God as our model, then we, as Christian parents, we who wish to be godly parents, godlike parents, must love our children in a way that does not spare the rod. Proverbs 13:24 tells us that if you spare your rod, you hate your son. But if you love him, you will seek him early with discipline. You'll begin very early to discipline your children. In the fear and admonition of the Lord, we paused to look at the example of Eli and even of godly King David, men who neglected the discipline of their children and later paid the price for it. And the Bible condemns them for it. Leniency in the raising of children is not a sign of love, regardless of what Dr. Spock may tell you. Leniency is not a sign of love. Leniency is a sign of foolishness in parents who do not understand the best interests of their children. I suggested then that we should look upon our children in a biblical fashion. They are not products of evolution. They are not like dogs that can just be trained with behavioral modification techniques. Nor are they innocents who come into this world to be corrupted by the bad influence of adults and human civilization. They are, rather, made in the image of God and therefore have dignity. And yet they are fallen creatures. As I stress over and over again, maybe too much last week, foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, so that, left to himself, the book of Proverbs says, the child will go to hell. He needs no help in learning how to do that. He is on the downward slide to hell. At birth, he is conceived in sin. From the womb, he goes forth speaking lies. And so corrective discipline is absolutely necessary. Train up a child according to his own way. Let him have his own direction. And Proverbs says, when he's old, he won't depart from it. You will harden him in his rebellion against you and against God if you don't intervene in the life of your child. And so correction of children is commanded by God to deliver them from hell to save them from destruction. And the correction of children is needed, we said as well to impart unto them wisdom. We don't simply correct our children as a way of bringing punishment upon their misdeeds and leaving it at that. We rather correct them to mold their character, to develop their behavior in a godly fashion. So that negative discipline is not enough. Positive instruction, guidance and reproof must accompany it. And so the disciplining of your children proves to be genuinely a mark of love for whom the Lord loves. He chastens and disciplines those whom he receives. And if we would be godly, we must be like him. Jesus says, as many as I love, I reprove and chasten. Be zealous, therefore, and repent. So he says to the church of Laodicea. And so we learned last week that we can expect one or the other outcome in the lives of our children, depending upon what our input as parents is. On the one hand, if we will discipline our children and use the rod and give them positive instruction in righteousness, the Bible tells us our children will not die. Proverbs 23:13. Withhold not correction from the child. If you punish him with the rod, he will not die. But rather the Bible says, you will drive out foolishness and you will bring wisdom in its place. The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself causes shame to his mother. And you will have peace, and you will have delight from your children. Discipline your son and he will give you peace. Yes, he will bring delight to your soul. Proverbs 29:17. On the other hand, if you will not listen to God, if you will not listen even to the gentile wisdom, the unbelieving wisdom of the Houston Police Department, if you just will not open your eyes to the need to discipline your children, you take the other road. Then Proverbs tells you this. Then you will harden your child in rebellion. And when he's old, he'll not depart from it. He will be confirmed in foolishness. He will bring shame to you, as I've just read, he'll bring shame to his mother. And as the Bible says, he's headed for hell. He's headed for destruction. Discipline your son, since there is hope in it, and do not set your heart on his destruction. I told you last week that I thought there were some things we as parents could learn about how to discipline our children, even if it's with the use of the rod. Even in this negative area of punishing their misdeeds. Things that we should learn so that we don't raise them to be provoked to anger, to be confused, to be those who are not made wise by what we are doing to them in the first place. If we punish them, it must be for correction. It must be for correction, not for the venting of our anger. Not simply to get even, but to correct them, show them the right way. And so there's the need for positive reinforcement. You notice in Proverbs 23, 15, 16, that right after we have read that we should use the rod to deliver the child's soul from hell. God's word says, my son, if your heart is wise, my heart is glad. My heart will rejoice when you speak things aright. We must also show joy. We must give positive support and encouragement to our children when we see in them the developing signs of wisdom and a godly character. And so we must be corrective. Secondly, we must be firm. And I meant by that we must be willing to bruise their backsides. All discipline is, for the moment, grievous. And it's a shame when we punish our children and they walk away from it and so say, no big deal, they should not want the rod to be used, or if it is, they should not think, well, it was a minor inconvenience. They should think it's something to fear and to try to avoid. Thirdly, the goal in punishing in this way should be peaceable, fruit of righteousness, Hebrews 12:11. Not the humiliation of our children, not the getting even, not the venting of our anger, as I've said. I said fourthly that the appropriate agency of this discipline is the rod. There are advantages to using the rod, or a paddle, or even an oven shovel, whatever it may be that you utilize in your family over the use of the human hand, because in the first place it focuses the blow and it makes it more effective to effectively spank your children, especially as they get older. The use of your hand will probably lead to your own harm and pain. I said that there was nothing wrong with using the rod throughout the teenage years. Perhaps an exception being made for females after puberty due to anatomical considerations. Nothing wrong with using the rod. However, unlike others who speak on the subject, I'm not convinced that the rod is the only way that we should punish our children. I think the deprivation of privilege, restriction, grounding, whatever it may be, can be effectively used Fifthly, as we have said, the rod must be accompanied with reproof, a time of training and discipline. Sixthly, the rod should be used with proportion. Not all cross crimes, not all disobedience in your family is equally heinous. Don't teach your children that there's no sense of proportion in your evaluation of their behavior. You don't do the same thing when they fail to clean their room as you do when they steal a car. To be very obvious, it must also be, to put it seventhly, must be based upon a reasonable expectation. God says he knows our frame and pities. Usually we must know the frame of our children, both mental and physical, and not expect of them more than they're able to give, and then punish them for failure to live up to what we unreasonably laid upon them. And then I ended by saying our discipline must also be consistent. If we are not consistent in our discipline, we engender confusion in our children. Life is not predictable. They don't know whether it's always right, always wrong, or just a matter of getting away with it. Discipline, if it's effective, must be consistent, or else we will provoke them to wrath and bring them to confusion. So that's what we were trying to say last week. I trust that fills in any gaps that you may have, either from not hearing it or not hearing the end of the tape. Today I want to continue this theme of positive reinforcement, positive molding of behavior in the development of our children, as well as applying the rod to their backside. We're going to look this morning at the roles of husband and wife in raising children. Then I want to look at steps along life's way, each stage in the development of a child, and give you some remarks about that stage and rearing of our children. We'll look at evangelizing and nurturing our children, the role of family worship and catechetical instruction, the role of the school, and finally the role of the church. And I do hope we'll get out here on time today. I'm going to be brief in each of these areas. First of all, let's look at the roles of husband and wife. And I want to make some more or less random remarks that fall under that category in the raising of children. Parents, please be realistic. Remember, you are going to make mistakes. There's two tremendously debilitating errors that can take place in the face of your mistake. The first is to pretend you couldn't have made it. There are parents who just cannot stand the idea that they are not Perfect parents. I have known people who talk like they are perfect parents. And you know what I'm going to say, right? And you look at your children, at their children, and you say, this is supposed to be the outcome of your pride in being a parent. Don't take it for granted that you cannot make mistakes. You know, the problem that we have often is that we grant that as a general truth, but we don't want anybody to point it out. In particular, we're all willing to get together and say, we're sinners, but don't tell me specifically how I sin. We're all willing to say, I'm not a perfect parent. No one is right. But when someone says, you know, I think in this area this is something that would help, or you get real offended. Please don't be that kind of parent who doesn't think you can, in a specific situation, have made a mistake. Now, we have that problem of pride, but we have another problem that's equally dangerous and on the opposite side of the ledger. And that's the problem that if you've made the mistake, you're afraid to correct it because you think my children will think I'm inconsistent. My children will think, well, there's something wrong with my parents here. They'll say, we've always done it this way. Dad, why are you imposing this now? I'm very sympathetic for those who have come to the Lord later in life or who have come to a more biblical understanding of Christianity later in life. And they have children that are 11, 12 years old. And about that time, you see, they're feeling real guilty that they've not raised them in the fear and admonition of the Lord. And they say, it's too late. What can I do now? I can't try to impose this, you know, after the fact. I mean, all their bad habits have been developed. Nonsense. That's just preposterous. It is never too late. If they are 17 years old and they're about ready to move out of the house, it is not too late to demonstrate a repentant spirit and to begin doing what God would have you to do as a parent. Please don't be afraid to correct your mistakes. Acknowledge them and change them. Let me tell you a little something. Your children will respect you more for that than for the previous two eras. They will respect you more for saying, I didn't do what was right as a father, and I'm going to try to do so. Now. They may not like it at the moment because they're used to getting away with murder, but they will eventually come back to tell you you did the right thing. Provide humble, loving and a firm environment for your children as husband and wives. And remember that the best gift that you could give your children is to show them a loving couple who function well together and know how to correct their mistakes. The best gift you can give your children is to demonstrate how you love one another, how you get along in the family, and how you correct your mistakes. Don't pretend you don't make them. When you have said something to your children in haste or in anger, you should be willing to go to your child and ask forgiveness in the same way you want your child to ask forgiveness when he or she speaks to you disrespectfully. The best thing you can give your children, therefore, is to show them that you, as a couple, love one another and that as a couple, you've learned how to live Christian lives. Now, I saw a bumper sticker once, and I'm not into bumper stickers. I rather detest most of the ones that I see, even if they're religiously oriented. But there was one that I saw that I thought was very appropriate as a theme, and you've probably seen it too. It simply says, christians are not perfect, simply forgiven. And we need to make that a theme in the way we raise our children. We are not perfect as a couple or as a family. The difference in our family is we are forgiven, we make a new start, and we know how to correct the mistakes that have been made. Remember, husbands and wives, that your example is training your child or your children as to what kind of husband or wife they will be throughout the rest of their lives. The vast majority of marriage problems, interactive problems, not all, but the vast majority come from imitation of one's own parents. Because in your home for 18, 19, 20 years, whatever it may be, in your home, you've learned how to deal with frustration, how to deal with impatience, how to deal with shortages, how to deal with whatever problems come into your family's life. It's in the home that you learn interpersonal relationships. And you carry that learning, not consciously, right up front, like something you can just give up momentarily because you say, oh, that's a mistake, and throw that away. You carry it, ingrained in your character, into your own marriage. And so parents, knowing that the best thing you can do for your children is to demonstrate how to you love one another and how you know how to correct your mistakes as a couple, even in dealing with your children, let me add, because I think this is the appropriate point. Husbands and wives, children are not the cement of your marriage. Children are not the cement of your marriage. If they were, then no one should get married until they have children. But you see, we know that's not right. What happens is you get a couple that's married because they're in love with one another. They know how to be kind to each other, to respect each other. And when children come along, lifestyle changes intervene and we become different kinds of people. And you know the sad story. Husbands and wives, without realizing it, drift apart. They are no longer best friends, they are no longer lovers. They are no longer people who do the special little things for one another. And then the children are gone eventually. And they say, we don't know each other. Or if we do, what we know is we don't like each other anymore. How many marriages are on the rocks after the children are gone? But from a Christian standpoint, children are not the cement of your marriage. This is an overstatement. Please take it as such, but I would suggest to you see them as a momentary addition to your lives. It's an overstatement, but you've got to see them as a temporary nuisance, if you will, that gets in the way of your going on dates and that sort of thing. Maintain that loving, affectionate, committed relationship that brought you to the marriage. And the strange thing is, for all of the disrespect that shows to consider your children a temporary nuisance. You'll do them the best favor you could possibly do. You'll demonstrate to them how to grow up and establish a happy, harmonious and loving home. And so, wives, please remember that the help meet relationship that you have towards your wife takes priority with you. Your motherhood must not override your role as a wife. You are first a wife, you are finally a wife. And somewhere in between the beginning and the end of that relationship, you're a mother. Don't reverse that. Be a wife first, a mother second. And fathers, remember that you provide leadership in your home, not simply to your children, but you provide leadership for your wife as well. So many husbands have to confess, I think, falling short the sin of omission here, that they fail to be the spiritual head of their wife while they are trying to be a good father to their children. And so remember to lead your wife as well as to lead your children. And fathers, remember that you must not abdicate your role as the head of the house. You are the key disciplinarian in the family. You're the one who will give an answer to God for what happens in your family. And so don't come home from work and say, I'm not happy with the way my wife is taking care of the kids. It's her fault. You'd better say, I'm not happy with the way I'm managing this family. And find out what you're doing wrong. Do you need to lead her, to help her, to reinforce her efforts? Do you need to speak to your children, whatever it may be? You finally, that's the bottom line. You finally will give an answer for the condition of your home. What's the very first sin committed by Adam after the original sin? You remember he said to God, it's the woman you gave me, it's her fault. God and men haven't gotten rid of that tendency today. Stop blaming your wives. Take responsibility. Take headship. Be a leader. Having said that, mothers don't think that it's for you to give to the father to do all the punishing. Mothers and fathers share that task. Read Proverbs. You notice sometimes it's addressed to the father, sometimes addressed to the mother. This question of interaction with the children, even the discipline of the children. Mothers should be second in command in the home, and they should be disciplining their children as the father directs. And often when the father's not home, there must be a united front from the parents. The children must see their mothers and their fathers united in their raising, their development, in their discipline. But I want to say it shouldn't be just a united front. You should be united behind the scenes too. So a little suggestion, mothers. You see father overbearing in his discipline of his son. Son, don't say to him, in the presence of the son, I don't think that's right. Don't take your son's side in that, but go to your bedroom later, maybe that evening, and say, you know, the way you spoke to so and so I think was inappropriate. And if I'm wrong, show me what I'm missing here. And if I'm right, what can we do to correct it? You know, be united behind the scenes as well as in the presence of your children. And then finally, I want to stress the need for consistency from husband and wife through all the stages of a child's development and training. Please don't think. Well, we train them until they're seven, then we give up consistency from the day that they're born to the time they leave the home, and even after all the way through. So the roles of husband and wife hopefully some sanctified wisdom and help in that direction. Let's look then at the stages along life's way. Let's look at children in each of their basic periods of development and see what we might learn to be wise parents. First of all, when our children are babies, major question to be asked, who's in charge when they are babies? And you say, well, that's a strange thing. That's what you ask about teenagers, right? Because that's where you get this, you know, the contest of wills between people. Wrong. That contest of wills begins in the crowd crib. Don't think that children are just little dogs growing up, little products of evolution or plants or something. They are intelligent beings. And children learn very early how to manipulate. I won't say they learn how to scheme and be malicious. We know that they have fallen characters and they have sinful hearts. But I'm not saying they sit around in the crib thick thinking about how to do this. You see, it just comes with human nature, a fallen human nature to know how to manipulate. And children learn from the stage of being a baby how to manipulate people. And so I want to suggest if you have babies or you're going to have babies, learn to distinguish the true needs of your child from the true needs of your child which are too much indulged. There's a difference between those two. Your child needs to eat, your child does not need to eat all morning long. Learn to distinguish between the true needs of your child and the desires of your child. They are different. Learn to distinguish between the desires of your child and the unwise and unhealthy desires of your child. The one you may give leeway to, the other you must distinguish and cut off. Learn to distinguish between the true desires and healthy desires of a child and those desires self centeredly pursued. Not only are there right things to do in this world, there are right ways to learn to do those things in this world. Learn to distinguish between the unwillingness of your child to do something and the inability of your child to do something. I think in Sunday school I used the illustration of a child who knocks the bowl of oatmeal off the high school, off the high chair onto the floor. That sometimes is done out of awkwardness, out of lack of coordination. Sometimes done with no thought at all. Sometimes it's done to be malicious. And you are going to have to have some line calls. You're going to have to be like a referee and be willing to make a mistake every once in a while. But you should draw Those distinctions. Another area of advice, learn that your babies can and indeed should learn to be apart from their parents. I sometimes wonder maybe we ought to put it the other way around. Parents, you need to learn that you can be apart from your babies. And we use the excuse that the child needs me around all the time, or every time I try to put the child in the nursery or give them to a grandmother or something, they just scream and make a fuss as though, you know, we need to take care of their needs. But there's also the problem that parents. Parents have such a high estimate of their own place in the child's life, they think they can't be apart from their babies. This is not healthy and it's not accurate. There is a need for regularity and predictability in the scheduling of your baby. There is a need for regularity and predictability in the relationships that your baby is learning about. These, I think are important and. And learning wisdom in the raising of our children. One other remark, babies are different. The problem with giving any general Advice, whether you're Dr. Bonson or Dr. Spock, the problem is we tend to make everyone out to be the same. They aren't. And I think this comes to expression, especially in the question that sometimes is sensitive in a church. When should a child be put in the nursery? There is no set answer to that question. I think a child that gets to be eight years old and is being put in the nursery, we obviously have crossed the line. Okay, so there are some obvious things, but then there's a whole lot of subjective interpretation and the personality of your child is going to determine the use of the nursery. Some factors to consider, though, before we move on to the next stage in life's way. Children should be raised to worship God, God corporately. It ought to be a goal to have your child in the church service and as soon as possible. I believe that some children, probably from the very opening day, are either placid enough or their schedule is such that they sleep or whatever that it's no difficulty at all. And we should praise God for that. We should be seeking to have our children in our presence when we praise God, to teach them to praise God and follow our example. I don't believe in children's church. I don't believe in the idea of separating the age groups. All of the congregation come before God according to the word of God. We need to remember that parents must engage in worship also, however. And parents who are overly absorbed in taking care of a baby in a worship service are not worshiping God, they're babysitting in our presence. And that's the difference. And so yes, bring your children and bring them early and as often as you can. But parents engage in worship also. And then of course we must remember not only must baby learn to worship God, but we must learn that the atmosphere of worship must be respected for the sake of other worshipers too. So there are a lot of factors, and I don't pretend to tell you, okay, at six months, every week you must be in or that at one year it should be every other week, week. And by age 3 you should have your children sitting here through the church service. That's going to vary from person to person. And these factors will have to be considered in your own situation. Let's move from babyhood to toddlerhood now, the next stage along life's way, Toddlers. This is a very crucial time for teaching children that there are boundaries in life. And I mean that to be just as abstract and as general as it sounds. They learn at this point in their development, there are places I can go, places I can't go, things I can do, things I can't do. There's on and off, yes and no zones of life. They learn the idea of boundaries when they are toddlers. Moreover, in this period of time, their self conception and how they relate to others is going to be a central concern in your raising them. Please don't think well. When they get to school, they're going to have to learn how to get along with others. Or when they get to be teenagers, then they'll develop a view of themselves and what they're able to do and how to think about themselves either more humbly or more positively or whatever it may be. No, when they are toddlers is when they start getting a view of themselves in their relationship to others. Not only who they are, but how they relate to others and how they relate to others when people are nice to them, how they relate to others, when people ignore them, how they relate to others, when people are mean to them. This is a very important time for training the mind of your child. Please do a lot of reading out loud. When they are toddlers, teach them to think verbally, to hear things verbally, to interpret things verbally. And along with that, this is a good time to begin catechetical instruction. More on that later. But when they are toddlers, even before they go to school, teach them the catechism. Teach them to think God's thoughts after him. Make that part of the molding of their mind. When they get to school age to move to the next stage along life's way. I would offer this advice. Parents, don't give up your responsibility for the training and discipline of your children. At this point, thinking, well, we brought them this far, now it's the school's job. If you do that, I want to suggest you're not only being unwise, you're being sinful. You don't understand the relationship of your child to the school school and your relationship to your child in the school. Do not give up your responsibility. You may delegate that responsibility for a few hours a day to a teacher, to an administrator, to a babysitter. You may delegate that, but don't you ever forget that it's delegated. Your responsibility for your child never ceases until that child establishes his or her own family. Your responsibility is there during school hours and after school hours, whether the child is under your direct attention or the teacher's attention. And if that's true, then you must make sure that those who stand in your place is the concept of in loco parentis. The parent in the place of the parent, the local parent, the teacher is that the babysitter is that. You must make sure that those who stand in your place are like minded with you. People who share your convictions about life and about theology, people who share your values and people who share your method of discipline. You're not going to help your child by having them have one method of discipline and one set of values at home and another one at the babysitters and another one at school. And if you delegate your authority as a parent to someone who does not share your convictions, values and methods, and your children end up molded by their standards rather than your own, who do you think will answer to God for that? You will, because as I said, it is delegated responsibility and it is never an abdication of responsibility. We need to move on. Teenagers. What can we say about teenagers along life's way as we are raising them? Well, please look at the teenage years as a transition to adulthood. When they get to be teenagers, if you continue to discipline them, talk to them and treat them as though they were six and seven year olds because you thought, well, the rod was appropriate there, it's appropriate here. If you make the logical mistake of thinking, therefore the way we use the rod and the way we speak to them can be the same, then you're going to suffer consequences for that. They are not that. On the other hand, nor have they reached adulthood. Adulthood I define as learning self, self government. Learning self government under God. So that you don't have to be told, don't go joy riding in a car. You will govern yourself not to do that. You don't need to be reminded to pick up your socks. You will govern yourself to pick up your socks. Adulthood is self government. Now, having said that, obviously many people we consider adults are not really adults on my definition, are they? They have not learned self government, but that is the goal. And from a Christian standpoint, the ways of the world are irrelevant. That is the standard we should use. Teenage years are a transition from parents reinforcing, reinforcing, directing, directing, directing to children being able to think for themselves and do it for themselves. Treat it as a transitional period. Tie responsibilities in the home, responsibilities of life and behavior, to privileges. And I think you need to be very explicit with your children about that. You need to say, I have not seen a willingness to submit to mom and dad this week. I have not seen you do your chores willingly, cheerfully, consistently and well. And for that reason, you don't have our confidence and trust to go to the movies with your friends. If you don't behave in the home in a way we want you to, how can we be sure you'll behave at the show the way we want you to? Tie them together and don't feel, feel like that's legalistic or it's too overt or too obvious. Children need to know that they gain privileges in life when they have gained self government, they show responsibility in the home. Stress the reality and the avoidability of moral limits with your teenagers because everything around them today is telling them it isn't true. Everything is telling them that morality is elastic, it's relative. You can pick and choose what you want to do. It's all up to you. We basically have an existentialist and relativistic culture. Teenagers must be learned that moral limits are real and that if they choose against them, they are not eliminating them, they are simply transgressing. And teach your teenagers above all, the importance of having Christian friends. Do not say, well, they've got to learn to choose for themselves, so let them go running around with those who are going to influence their behavior, their language, their conceptions in a way which are not pleasing to God. If you turn over your children to those who are evil companions and that rubs off on them, you will answer to God for that. You will. And I want to stress that especially in dating, as they get to be old enough teenagers to date parents. Do not allow your teenagers to date unbelievers. Don't be so foolish as to say, well, they have to choose for themselves. So we'll just, you know, they go out anybody they want. You choose their friends for them if need be. And you choose who they can date if need be. And don't be ashamed of that. You can say, as long as you're in our home, you will live as a covenant keeping child. And covenant keepers. Don't date those who are covenant breakers, those who love the Lord Jesus Christ first and foremost in their lives, or those who are supposed to. Don't date those who think nothing of Jesus, who despise him. It's an old hack, threadbare statement, but it's true. Every date is a potential mate. Every date is. And therefore, since you wouldn't have your children marry unbelievers, you don't have your children courted by unbelievers. And dating is a form of courting. And so we see some suggestions about babies and about toddlers, about school age and about teenagers. I'd like to, in the last portion of this morning's message, turn to the subject of evangelizing and nurturing our children at whatever level in their development. Should we evangelize our children again? Two deadly mistakes that can be made. The one says we don't evangelize our children because we presume they're regenerate, called presumptive regeneration. The doctrine that if the child is baptized and lives in a covenant home, we just assume that they are regenerated. And those churches that have believed and have practiced that belief of presumptive regeneration, you will see suffer those consequences. That people are raised to despise the faith, though they have all the outward trappings of agreeing with it. Do not presume that your children are regenerate just because they're baptized. Baptism does not regenerate. We are not Lutherans, we are Reformed, and I trust biblical in our outlook. The other mistake is to presume that your children are little pagans, just unbelievers, just like the next door neighbor. Even though the next door neighbor is not baptized, our kids are just like unbaptized children. That's not true either, is it? And you know what happens in Baptistic cultures when children are treated that way? They are asked to make a profession of faith over and over and over again because we're never satisfied they've really made a profession of faith. That's because we never really believe they belong to the Lord until they finally grow up. What's the biblical answer to that? You should presume that your children are owned by God, and he intends that as a blessing. Want me to say that again so you can meditate on it? Presume that your children are owned by God and He intends that as a blessing. But now notice, being owned by God does not mean they'll grow up to own up to God. And that he intends this to bless them does not prove that it will. What I'm getting at is they are covenant children. And as covenant children they should be raised as belonging to God's people. That isn't the same as presuming they're regenerate. It means you raise them as Christian children, not as pagan children, not as uncovenantal children, not as those who are in the world, but as those who are consecrated to God. You raise them as consecrated to God, but recognizing that though God intends that as a blessing, if they become covenant breakers, God will curse them. And for that reason they must live up to the obligations of the covenant. And what are those obligations? Well, they entail taking Jesus Christ as he is presented in the Scriptures, as Savior and Lord. Our children should be asked to repent of their sins, to trust Christ as Savior, and to lead lives that are befitting of those who are Christians. However, I would not suggest that you should aim to see your children converted at age 3, at age 5, age 9, 13, 16 and on. When your child very early on gives indication of a recognition that he or she has sinned and Jesus is the only hope they have of going to heaven when they die. Believe their profession and live in terms of their profession. You know the sad thing, I say this with a broken heart to you people because I see it not only in other churches, but I see it here. When we have an adult come who is very young in the faith and makes a profession of faith, we treat them like a Christian, we take them at their word and we help them with their inconsistencies and we build them up and support them and give them fellowship and and want to see them grow and be nurtured. But when we see a child at age 4 make a profession of faith and then falter, we say, well, they probably really didn't mean it and that is unfair to our children. And you can be sure Jesus is offended by that. He said, bring the children to me, for of such is the kingdom of heaven. They are little Christians and little Christians have to grow and little Christians stumble and fall and make mistakes. But you see, the littleness has to do with their spiritual state and not the state of their body. So treat all those Little Christians, be they in adult bodies or very little child's bodies, treat them the same, believe their professions of faith, raise them and nurture them and correct them. As Christians, children are capable of making a profession of faith. And in our congregation we encourage, encourage our children to make a public profession in that early. How early, Dr. Bonson? As early as they can. There is no rule about that. If you have a precocious two year old who can, at a two year old's level, tell us about sin and salvation, have them join the church at 2. I think that's unusual. But not ruled out. Maybe at 5 your child finally is caught on to what you're teaching in the home and your child can tell us how they are not going to go to heaven if it weren't for Jesus dying on the cross. If a five year old understands those things at a five year old's level, have them make profession of faith. Or at 7 or at 17. But my point is we should aim for early professions of faith and raising them in that way. Evangelize and nurture your children as those who belong to God. Dr. Monson, I can never be fully satisfied that my child's profession of faith is real. When will I know that it's real? My answer to you is when will you know that mine is real? What if next year I renounce the faith? What if next year I just go on some immoral binge and never turn around from it? Is my profession of faith real this year? No, it's not. But you don't know whether it's real until what? Until someone perseveres to the end. And if you give yourself that same same perspective, apply it to your children, you'll never know whether your child is fully actually regenerated. I suppose until we're standing in the presence of the angels in heaven and singing God's praises with our children. But we don't know that about anybody. So remember that children make very precious and valuable professions of faith. Believe them, live in terms of them, nurture, support and develop them. Well, what's the role of the family in this? What's the role of the school? What's the role of the church? I'll be very brief. First of all, the family. All of you need to be developing a time of family worship in your home. All of you need to have a time of family worship in your home. If you are not teaching your children within your family to pray together, to read God's word and apply it to their lives. If you, if you don't do that as part of your family life. Why do you think they'll take you serious that it's important they come to church and do it? Why do you think they should take you seriously about you should grow up in that worshipful atmosphere of prayer and Bible reading. If you never demonstrate it to them, if you don't live it out in your home, why should they believe you when you say it's important, would you believe your parents? It's very important you eat green vegetables. It's very important that you have your peas and your beans. But we never serve it in our home. It's very important when you grow up to go out there in the world and eat your green vegetables. But we never do it in the home. Don't teach your children there to grow up to be worshipful, prayerful, Bible reading people and never do it in your home. You are ingraining in them hypocrisy if you do that. And I don't often come down on you. But this morning God's given it to me to do and I'm going to come down on you. If you do not worship God in your home, you are still sinning. You're sinning against the Lord and you're sinning against your children and their development. You're sinning in your marriage. It is time that we learn to pray together, to praise together, to read God's word and apply it together. So let me make a suggestion. You can do it any number of ways. There's no one set mold for family devotions or family worship. But I want to suggest that you should at least consider these elements. A short time of reading God's word word and talking about it with one another. That may mean asking your children, what happened in the story? Why did it happen? Don't forget to ask your wife too. Let her read sometimes and ask you the questions. Everyone should learn that we're growing in God's word. It should include a time of application. What are we supposed to do in our family because of this? What should we do in our individual lives? It should include a time of saying, what needs do we have today? You know, I think that's one of the sweetest times in our daily life as a family is when the children talk about, would you please pray for my quiz today? Will you pray for my friend who has this hurt? Whatever it may be, we share our needs and then one person in the family prays for them. Now that's one way of doing it. It's not the only way of doing it, but please do it. Learn to worship God in your home and catechize your children. I want to suggest that's probably not the best time to catechize, but some people do that. They do catechetical instruction during family worship. If you choose that, praise God, I support you. It's not the way we've chosen to do it, but again, there's a lot of latitude there. But I want to insist that we, especially as Presbyterians, should take seriously our catechisms. What is a catechism? Comes from the Greek word catecho, which means to instruct. You are supposed to instruct your children in the faith. Let me ask you a question, parents. When and at what point do you expect your children are going to learn about predestination? When and at what point do you expect your children to understand the meaning of the atonement? When and at what point do you think that the doctrine of the sacraments will become clear to them? You know what I'm afraid of? I'm afraid that a lot of us figure, well, they'll get it at church, and they'd better, if you haven't got a very good church, if they don't. But they're supposed to be getting it in the home, too. When are you teaching them these things? Now, there are two kinds of people in response to that question. There are people who say, I'm not doing it at all. I don't know where to do it or how to begin. And then there are people who are saying, well, I don't need the catechism. We do talk about these things. I do have my own developed program of instruction of my children in the precious doctrines of the Christian faith. To the second group, I say, praise God. I think that's super. Forget the catechism. Go do it. For the rest of you, I want your attention, though, for the rest of you, if you haven't got your own developed system of doing it. That's why we have catechisms. That's why they have been written. When the writers of the Westminster Confession finished their work, the Parliament said, now give us a catechism. Give us a tool to teach this to our children. The larger catechism was given for adult training. The Shorter Catechism was given for children's training. In the 20th century, we Presbyterians said, okay, the Shorter Catechism is beyond us. Well, now we'll have a child's catechism that will prepare for the Shorter Catechism to finally prepare for the larger and the Fact is, most seminary graduates don't even know the Shorter Catechism, much less the larger. I don't know of any group that teaches the Larger Catechism. As Sunday school material they should. But anyway, you've got available to you the Child's Catechism. I would leap for joy if every adult in our church knew the Child's Catechism. How many of you can tell us what sin is? Sin is any want of conformity unto or transgression of the law of God. My children can tell you that. I hope they understand it too. Hope they don't let me down having said that. But they have learned that in our home. We talk about it, we explain it. What is justification? Justification is God's forgiving sinners and treating them as if they had never sinned. How's that different from sanctification? Well, sanctification is God's making sinners holy in heart and conduct. Children can understand that. I guarantee you they can. They have been doing that for decades. And even the Shorter Catechism Puritan children were able to do for years, please take the Catechism. Teach it to your child so they'll grow up to know the precious truths of God's word. What's the role of the school? I keep saying I'm going to be brief. I've gone over time already again. But these things are heavy on my heart, my friends. I want you to take them seriously. If we're going to raise a godly generation, we need to know these things. Don't delegate responsibility for your child's mind to someone who doesn't know the Lord Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. Just don't do it. Because Deuteronomy 6 says, you shall teach my statutes to your children when they lie down and when they rise up, when they go out of the home and when they return. They should be written on the doorpost of your house when you sit at eat. You should be teaching this and every aspect of their lives. God's word should be bearing in on them. And we will answer to God if we teach our children for six or eight hours a day that they don't have to take God's word into account, that they don't have to listen to, to people that honor Jesus Christ as Lord, that they don't have to believe the commandments of God. You say, well, Dr. Bronson, that sounds like we have to send our kids to Christian schools. That's right. You do. It is your moral obligation to send your children to a Christian school. You say I can't afford it and teach them at home. Band together with others who cannot afford it. It's a trade off. You teach reading, I'll teach.