Decide to Not Let Overwhelm Steal Your Joy

Hello, hello, beautiful people. Now, the last time you saw me, I promised videos, but after the last time you saw me, aka I posted a video and went on about my life, about 3 days later But it's almost dead. So, um, yeah, I've been— I've been having a lot of, um, how do you say, obstacles to overcome, hurdles to jump over, and I had to focus on that. And now, as the Lil' Kim used to say. I've been gone for a minute, now I'm back with the jump off. Anyway, so boom, I'm back. And yeah, I guess for this video, my, my message to you is to declare, to make a determination that you will not let overwhelm steal your joy. I would like to say that for me, the past— most of my life has been a bit overwhelming, and I thought I was managing it well. And then it turns out that like, yeah, DIYing is cool until— DIY is temporary, you know? It's not like— it's not something that you should rely on because You don't only have one hand. You get what I'm saying? So if you can get someone, if you can delegate, if you can collaborate with someone and trust the process, that is the better option. And I just feel like, ah, this—I don't even want to call it a health scare because I'm still dealing with it. And health scare, I guess. I don't know. I assume when people say health scare that that means that. Um, the issue has been resolved.

My shit is still pending, okay? My shit is pending, okay?

Um, but all in all, having the perspective of not allowing overwhelm to steal the joy that I do have despite everything has been Revolutionary for me, and I would like to offer that determination to you. Now I'm using the word determination, and you're probably like, determination? Oh, she just means determined. Yeah, here's the other thing. So during 2023, when I could not talk, could not walk, Could not think every day, and I was in a rehab center at the Shirley Ryan Ability Lab getting expert help. I also got connected to Nichiren Buddhism. Now you might— the people who are watching this that have whatever— there's stuff in the corner. Um, the people that have been— the people that will view this and they actually have, um, had one-on-ones with me or interact with me, uh, post-2023 would be like, oh, she's a Buddhist now? Here's the thing. Everyone should be enlightened if you're on this plane. When you're— if you're on the earth plane, I believe that your experience here is about enlightenment because you got to think about it from birth, from like existing in, in your mother's womb, whether you like your mother or not. She had you in her belly. Um, exist in your mother's womb. And then when you come out and you start realizing life, you start forming language. It's all about discovery. It's all about evolution. You know, it's, it's like life. One thing that is constant in life is change. So change in this respect is self-development.

And as the late and great Maya Angelou has said, when you know better, you do better.

So Um, I got introduced to Nichiren Buddhism, and that intro— like, I've been introduced to Buddhism before, but that— the introduction that I got in 2023 created a new plane for me to thrive on in In the midst of struggling with— oh, I want to be transparent, but at the same time, I'm also trying to do what my therapist said, which is let my emotions flow.

And now some of you will be like, well, bitch, you was an actor before. Yeah, but this is my real life. I'm not on stage.

Ain't nobody wrote the words that's coming out of my mouth but me. Um, but yeah, I'm also a Capricorn, so there's that. And I hope they— I hope the fan in the back is not bothersome, because guess what? Somebody's perimenopause!

I'm only 34!

Turns out menopause or perimenopause Starts earlier for Black women and lasts longer for Black women!

Ah!

Anyway, um, so I need the fan on, 'cause I'm gonna be sweating in this hole. Um, but yeah, that introduction led me to A grounded self-image of myself that, that got me to this moment. Let's just keep it that simple. Um, I had a lot of losses in 2023. Including myself. And I had a lot of freaking epiphanies about the epiphanies that I thought that I had. And all of it was so overwhelming. There were like some horrible fucking shit happening. Ooh, can I bleep that out? I'm gonna try to bleep it out. There's some horrible things happening, and then there were these amazing things happening, like certain things that like I was desiring from since I was a kid, and they all started coming at what, what I would declare as the worst time of my 34 years of existing. But the worst time of my 34— oh, I'm 34 now. I think I was like 32, 33, 32.

32.

Yeah. At the time, like the worst, the lowest of the lows. Not only because my nervous system had shut down on me, which is connected to every organ, every system in your body, by the way, shut down on me. And while I was in the worst state I've ever been, while my heart was shattered even more than it was beforehand, I became the happiest I ever been in my life. Now, to be honest, I don't even feel like that makes sense. Like, the worst— some of the worst shit that— I mean, stuff that can happen also led to the happiest I've ever been in my life. And bit by bit, I will be able to share the epiphanies and realizations and understanding and overstuding. That I have gleaned during this time. And my hope, like always throughout my entire life, is that your time with me helps you do the work that's necessary to love yourself unconditionally and also hold yourself accountable. As you navigate this plane. So yeah, just wanted to say that I'm back. My symptoms are up and down. Today is a really good day for me. Oh, I'm getting emotional again. Today is— oh, the, the tree— the leaves on the trees are changing. Oh, that looks really sexy. I haven't seen a tree like that before. Anyway, um, yeah, so my hope is that everything I'm sharing with you will help you get through, help you move through the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. I'm not fucking joking.

When I, when I reveal to you guys what the fuck I've been going through, you'll be like, bitch, Tough! Yeah, I'm from Jersey. What you talking about, 201?

Um, and I also hope that you keep in mind that anything I share with you, from anything you ever see about me online, it is not me giving you advice or medical advice, um, financial advice. It is just me sharing my insight because someone shared their insight with me. And then I became enlightened. My whole thing is enlightenment, whatever that means to you. And may you be able to overcome and choose yourself and have this euphoric I would say love for yourself like I'm currently developing, whatever that may mean for you in your life. Slight intermission.

Did y'all get to listen to Cardi B, uh, new album? Her sophomore album? The masterpiece? Again?

No!

My cousin is doing great, okay?

Um, and like Cardi B, she had to promise to herself that she would not allow overwhelm to steal her joy.

What'd she do? She got a little step for a motherfucking bitch. She having a baby.

And the album is nice. Did y'all listen to Safe?

Did you see the video? Did you see my girl acting? Okay, so make sure you buy the CDs. You saw her on the street hustling. If you from the hood, you know what it is. You feel what I'm talking about? If you're from the hood, you know about the bootlegs, you get what I'm saying? Especially if you a millennium. I got CDs, CDs, DVDs. I used to be like, how are they getting those?

You ever burned a CD? Oh yo, okay, anyway. But yeah, I think you guys should like definitely look into watch— listening to her music because it's like Whoa. Not just because it's Cardi B, but just because of her journey of overcoming, of not allowing the overwhelm of heartbreak, the overwhelm of being in the industry and having expectations on you, like, just trust.

Now granted, when people would say shit to me like, just trust, I was like, shut the fuck up. I'm tired!

You get what I'm saying? Um, I was feeling like that, but like my little brother would say, at the end of the day, and as my grandmother would say, you gotta do what you got to do. And it's really that simple. I mean, I could hardly speak, walk, talk, roll over, and there was shit that I still had to do because nobody else was here but my shorty.

You know what I'm saying? My best friend who stood by my side riding it out, although we was supposed to be breaking up. He said, I'm down for B. And I said—

You know, I'm from the hood, so you always gotta like think 10 steps ahead because people be changing their mind. But anyway, the point is, some way, somehow, when you're dealing with difficult situations Somehow muster up the courage to whisper to yourself, I will not allow overwhelm to steal my joy. Now, as you say that phrase, you will find out what that means for you. And the cool thing that I've been learning about Nichiren Buddhism is that, like, once you start looking at Buddhist principles, it's not that— it's not like My other experiences where it's as if you're being told how to be, told how to act. There's a way that the community expects you to navigate the space, and you got to be perfect, and you got to be this, and you got to be that. You just got to be true to thine self in this life in general. And I don't know if I said this before, I don't— in this moment, I do not consider myself a Buddhist. I do not consider myself being a part of any religious organization or any practice. I— the only practice that I'm into is Bernadette Constance Carter, because it turns out I've been unconsciously, and maybe sometimes consciously, not being with myself or being myself. I was what I had to be in those moments. Now, did great things come out of it?

Yeah. Did some horrible shit come out of it at the same time with the great shit? Yeah. Was a bitch confused? Yeah.

But now I'm like, I feel like I'm accepting life for what it may actually be. I feel like I'm still on that journey of understanding and gathering, and, um, it is a wild-ass moment when what you think is reality cracks. And it keeps cracking, just like when you see a video of a volcano exploding and that shit just keep going, or like videos of the fires that be happening over there in California. The smoke, it just left. Sometimes life can get like that, and you— I, I'll speak about myself. I lost hope.

You know how many times I tried to have hope, and every time I had hope, more bad shit started happening? So I said, maybe hope is the problem. Maybe I'm too damn hopeful.

Turns out, yes, and I needed new skills. Hence why I've been in complex trauma therapy. And I would like to say that the first time I ever went to therapy was when I was 11 years old. Now granted, I'm hearing from therapists that it is only recently Which is insane, by the way. It's only recently they started, um, training therapists to be trauma-informed. AKA, from 11 years old to my 20s, when I was like testing out therapists, I was just like, I don't know, I just feel like I'm just sitting here telling my business and I don't feel like I'm getting any life skills or shit, things like that.

Oh, right! It turns out that in order to get access to one of them therapists that really got the juice, you gotta have good insurance! And shorty had this insurance from the motherfucking state! So you can be somebody going to the people that's supposed to help you, and just because you ain't got the skrilla with you, with the money, they can be wasting your time, delaying your healing.

And that was not something that I did not know as it relates to insurance, but the fact that I'm like, I'm going to therapy and I'm like, hey, like, I feel like this is not really working, but I'm gonna keep going because I don't know how to help myself. And it's getting to the point where, especially in college, where like I couldn't deal with like the health issues I was having in the environment, the toxic environment that I was in. I'll tell you all about that story eventually too, for you people who are in— who are thinking about college or, um, who are in college right now that end up finding this video. Um, I'm first generation American, first generation to go college, and there's so much I did not know, and there was so many skills outside of academia that I did not have just as a being, a person, you know, going into an environment like that. So I'll share that later on. But I really do would like to encourage you all, as much as possible, get your money up. Not to stunt on folks, but to make sure that you are giving yourself access to the best of the best this life? Why live if you're not gonna go after the best for yourself? Not even for like other people, or like, for my kids.

If you ain't good, how your kids gonna be good? Hence why my mom—

when my mom went to therapy, she was like, I'm not going back. I just feel like I'm telling people my business. And then they say, okay, what you— when do you want to come in tomorrow? And you know what? Shorty needs to still go back to therapy. But you know what?

She was right.

Because the level of not having PPO health insurance will rob you of accessing the best of the best, or just switching between— like, if you feel like, oh, I don't really vibe— like, this person has great talent as a therapist, but I don't really vibe with them—

with PPO, you would just hop, hop. Long as you pay your insurance every month, you could just hop.

And the work that I've been doing— I'll also tell you about the time when the first real therapist— not real therapist, but the therapist I met back in 2023, fall of 2023. That's when I began like the complex trauma therapy work. I'll tell you a story about that situation too. And then the— I'll tell you about my different therapists. I'll tell you about that because I really, really feel like that work, as people might call it, I really feel like going to therapy is a part of shadow work. I really, really think that way. I think it's about a shadow. It's about shadow work, and as it relates to Buddhism, I think it's a way for you to see your karma. Now, the Western perspective of karma is like negative karma. Like when I first when they started saying karma, I was like, "I just want you to know I'm feeling anxious." Isn't karma negative?

And I feel like I might be cursed, and I don't want to be talking. I just wouldn't. I'm just trying to heal.

You know, um, and eventually I learned that in Sanskrit, karma— the word karma simply means action. And that action could be quote unquote right, or it could be quote unquote wrong, right? But the actions, the, the, the actions that you take in life create the effects in your life, whether consciously or unconsciously, whether you directly make a choice, or someone is making a choice that affects your life. And my hope— as I lose my train of thought— my hope is that by my sharing this information with you, you just start moving very differently. And here's the other thing, if you don't got the money, do not be dating people that don't got the money. And it's not that you dating people. Abby B.