186: Klyn Elsbury — How to Unstick Yourself

Well, are you stuck now in some area of your life, your work? If you're stuck now or have been stuck recently, then this show is for you. This is all about how to get unstuck with the master of getting unstuck, an inspiring person who helps CEOs and entrepreneurs and awesome people get unstuck all the time. So listen in on how to get unstuck. Hello and welcome again to the Scaling Up Business podcast. Your host and scaling coach, Bill Gallagher. On the show with me today is a friend of friends, fantastic speaker, Kailyn Ellsberry Kaylin. Welcome.

Hi, everyone.

Are you in San Diego today?

I am. I am. It's 50 degrees, so we're all losing our minds.

It's just horrifying, right?

Why do I live in such extreme places?

Build a fire. Hold on, you're down. Is it sunny, though?

Of course, it's always sunny. It's like there was a cloud in the sky. And if it has rain, we don't go outside because that's just horrible.

I've been working with like four companies down in Southern California, from Orange county down to San Diego, and I so love going down there.

Just move.

I land and I'm like, oh, there's sun here. It's drizzly and overcast here today in the holiday season in outside of San Francisco. So 50 is good. If you get a little sun on your face feels warm.

Yeah, yeah. And you're not a tree. You can move. You know people here.

So a lot of people around our world may have heard or seen Kaelyn speak. I'll let you tell a lot of your story, but you're an entrepreneur. You started and grew a business or.

More.

All the while while dealing with some very substantial health conditions. And today you're an NLP for entrepreneur. Practitioner, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Master's prac.

Master of something. And she's podcast host and all around groovy gal. So I'm super happy to have you on the show. I think there's never a bad time for this top. We're talking about how to unstick yourself. And if you're reaching for anything, if you're striving for anything beyond what's safe and predictable in your life, you will get stuck. And sometimes stuck is stuck. So what do you do? Do you have the right practices to unstick yourself? That's the subject of our show today. So thanks and welcome to show. Before we get into it or as we get into it, why don't you give folks some of your backgr? Tell enough that they get a picture of this. You do a fabulous job of that.

Yeah, let's paint some pictures. So basically I'm 32 years old, which that is only relevant because I was born with a condition called cystic fibrosis, which is a genetic and fairly progressive disease. The median age right now is 23. It fills my lungs with infected mucus and I spend on average anywhere from two to six months a year, a year inside of hospital walls working on getting rid of these lung infections. That's the big elephant in the room. And where it becomes relevant for all the entrepreneurs listening is it is inside those walls that I launched the podcast, wrote the book, started getting involved in speaking, built my first company, scaled my first company. And I spend so much time in the hospitals that you start to see the systems and processes that go on, not just in the medical community, but how it relates directly to business. And it was that foundation that led me to nlp.

Yeah, pause right there and then come back. But I just want to underscore and have our listeners reflect on how many times you're like, I can't get away for two days. I can't block out a day to do quarterly planning. I can't block out the time to do my work. I can't take a two week vacation with my family. I can't, I can't, I can't. Around the things that you really want and know that you should do and you're a victim of all the circumstances. I'm not just calling our listeners out. I've been there and, and I may find myself back there again. But, but the, this notion of I can't do things. And you're talking to a woman today who spent two to six months in a hospital and she grew her businesses and developed herself against the face of that. And every time I hear somebody who does something extraordinary like this, it just, it's really motivating. Like, what's my damn excuse? Get out of bed, put your clothes on, get that run in. Like, do what you need to do.

Yeah. And it's Bill, it's two to six months every year. It's not like it was a one time, one shot, one kill. Like, this is concerning every year.

Right. And not with, not on a schedule. Right. It's not conveniently scheduled.

It's not like I'm like, for vacation this year, I think I'll go to Club Med. Like, no, you wake up, you cough, there's a little bit of blood and you're like, oh, crap, it's Over. So I would suggest to the people going through that, which it sounds like you might be, it's not that you can't find the time. It's that you're not thinking about proactively designing a life around the type of business that allows you that flexibility. It's a leadership problem.

Empowering your leadership, Changing your own style of leadership. Right. Making your own business less dependent on you having a business versus a job.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And that's where we started it.

So there you are. You grow this business. You biggest. Keep going.

Yeah. Okay. So growing the business, obviously there's peaks and valleys, right? Like, that sucks to find out, because you think entrepreneurship's gonna be this merry little road. It's not. And one of the things that I learned along the path was the power of the mind, which is the most overrated statement in the planet. And my cynicism came from wanting to poke holes in all these mindset gurus. And that led me to neuro linguistic programming and hypnosis. And I dived into that expecting to find a bunch of flaws and that it was BS and it was hooey, and I had to, like, worship stones and energy. Like, it was just weird. And so I'm like, this is not the case at all. And then I started to look for every flaw in NLP and hypnosis as to why I couldn't succeed if I used it and I couldn't find one. And then I started. I wound up getting my master's prac in it. And I realized the problem wasn't that there might be a flaw in it. The problem was I refused to believe that there was another solution out there. Because I was always told it takes an entire lifetime to become successful. I didn't realize transformation can happen in an instant.

Right. So the transformation is in one moment. Right. You shift from one thing to another thing, from one place to one being to another being. And yet there's all lot. Then there's work to do at the follow through, Right?

Yeah. From thought to action. I think that's where the biggest gap is for a lot of entrepreneurs listening.

Yeah. Yeah. I remember a transformation that I had, and I saw something new possible. I started to shift my life. But then there was several years of work on that thing, which was. But it was all living from and in a new place. Like, my whole being, thinking, and acting was shifted from that moment. Right?

Yeah. And that's a lot of the sharks through the program, we call them sharks. You know, quite often they. They call me and they're like, hey, you know, tell me about your coaching package. And for most people, Bill, there's no package. It's like, one shot done. Like, the most I've ever worked with somebody was eight calls to total transformation. Everything else is, like, one call.

Yeah. That shift can happen really quickly. Right. But I find some people are pretty resistant. I'm like, do you really want to have a breakthrough right now? Why are you resisting?

They want to wear their pain like a trophy. Like, I've got some bad reviews out there from people who they just can't see through their own baggage, and they're afraid to part with that baggage because that baggage serves a purpose for them more so than what possibility serves for them.

Yeah, for sure. The pain is useful. Right. It leaves us feeling justified, vindicated. Right? There's a. Yeah. So why don't we start with fears? Right? What are the fears that you had? How did you go through? Talk about the fear. Talk about the recruiting firm going all in with your background and, like, that kind of thing.

Yeah. So all in was actually my first tagline, so I don't know if you buried that up from somewhere, but good job. So the biggest fear I had wasn't necessarily a fear. I mean, sure, it manifested as a fear, but for me, I didn't believe in my own power. So maybe that's fear of not enough. I don't know.

But I remember, like, imposter syndrome. Like, I don't. Yeah, I don't have the credentials.

And what if I stepped out into that power and I did not succeed? Then I should have stayed with my recruiting company, because that was making great money. You know, I was getting featured in awards. I got some letter from the Senate. I don't know. I forget what it was called because it didn't matter to me. And to step out as a speaker and a coach of NLP and hypnosis is so different than recruiting. So I didn't believe that I was the kind of person that somebody would want in their corner, fighting for them and helping them get that breakthrough to grow their business. And everyone kept saying, you know, oh, you're so inspirational. Which I thought was code for, you know, like, so women, we do this thing where we say, you're so pretty, or, she's nice. Well, we're saying you're nice and pretty because you have no substance. And so I thought inspirational was code for me not having enough intellect and substance, so I just had to say things like, you can do it. Which was never me to begin with. So that Was the big fear is who am I to have a vision that I have and if I go for it, if it doesn't work, then I was right about how low my self esteem was.

So what actually happened? What did you do? Like, less conceptual. There you are, you're doing the one job and you start the new business. Can you share a little bit more about that experience?

Yeah, my fiance told me, write down every time somebody says you're inspirational. And I did that as a challenge. It's so stupid, but like literally transformation in an instant. And I had like 16 pages of compliments that I would get in a course of a couple of weeks and I just filled it out and I was like, okay, maybe this is a blind spot because you can't see through your own blind spots. And that really hit. And then of course, I started going to some of these seminars of personal growth and development and I remembered sitting in one of them and I was like, I'm so bored. I've already known this. I've been working with my friends on this. And it was just so instinctual. Like the life in the hospital. You learn a lot about how the mind works when you're attached to an IV pole for 15 days in a row. And so a lot of that was second nature through my upbringing. And I remember very clearly where I was at. I was on a plane and I was coming from Chicago to San Diego and I was about to get back into the recruiting Monday, the next day. You know, the whole fear that we entrepreneurs have, like, Monday, Sunday scaries are horrible. And I remember thinking of, oh, gosh, I'm gonna get emotional. Bill, why are you doing this? And I remember this thought came to me and this thought changed everything. And it said, who's going to suffer because you weren't brave enough to work at your potential? And that, that was game over. I quit my recruiting company that day. Told everyone if they, you know, if I have any openings in the new company, they're welcome to join me. Yeah, who's going to suffer because I didn't believe in myself and I couldn't have that.

So what are you moved by there? What is that?

There's just this undying desire to serve and I may never have an eight figure company. That's not even my shtick. I don't care. Even low seven figures, whatever, who knows what my potential revenue is. What I measure the most is the lives that I transform in a year. And I am very blessed. And that the money's come. A lot of people just Give donations and then I put the work towards helping others. But like, it's this. I can't even comprehend how to not serve people. And that's where it comes. Because I know what it's like to not know if you get another day when there's somebody at the end of their rope, like that desire to be the person that shows them a new path. I can't shake it. I cannot.

So, yeah, I hear also somebody who's very clear about the purpose of their life.

Thank you. Yes. Yeah. I have something called my master vision plan. This was formulated and helped by my good friend and mentor, Jack Daly. And he. Yeah, I mean, he's such a stand up guy and he taught me the genie.

He's a former podcast guest, friend of the show, friend of Scaling up. Yeah.

Friend of everything. And he took me under his wing the way I'd like to think I take others under mine and showed me the power of having a extremely ambitious vision plan. And I've done it every year since the day I met him. And it's transformed everything. So it's. I'm. I'm very clear. Yep.

You know, I. One of my proudest moments as a coach, right where I saw. And I wish I could always live up to this standard, but I had a woman that I was coaching in leadership work and she had, she had a. She was a cancer survivor and she had this idea that if people just improve their nutrition, they would survive these treatments and maybe get less cancers to begin with. So the first piece was having an eating plan. Right. A nutritional plan and practice that was consistent with the treatments and the things that, that led to faster, better healing. So she created this and she knew that, that people would like to eat out and that kind of thing. They didn't want to just eat weird foods at home alone. So she started to create this in restaurants and in partnership with restaurants. It was a communication and nutritional program that she was doing out there. And she was really passionate about this. This was a side project that she was using as a vehicle for her leadership development. And. And then just after sort of creating and getting all fired up about this, she. Her cancer came back and they prescribed a whole regimen of chemo treatments. And she came, she said, listen, I need to put this project in, this work on hold for a little bit. And I said, I got it. And I so wish I could make it go away, but you can't quit this work.

You can't.

And she said, what do you mean? I have to go. There's no escaping. I'm going to be in the hospital. This is not a joke. You need to understand, this is serious. You wanted me to know and I said I got all that and I don't really know what that looks like, but here's what I want you to know. If you're in the hospital and all you've got is a phone at your hand, then you should keep this up. And if what it takes is that you do this with your last breath, you should not give up. Right?

Yeah.

And I'm. I'm moved by who people are, who I am, who she was. And she completed her project and her did her thing and developed herself as a leader. And what's really cool about it, she did it with the true spirit and intention of the thing. She got a whole group of people right. The ultimate power of powerful sign of a leader is a leader creates leaders. Creating leaders, right? That. That cascade of abund leadership. And so she, she spawned that whole thing and it was all successful. It went out in the world. And I don't remember all the particulars of it and I lost track of it. And her, I do remember how beautiful she looked as she finished the whole thing. And she was on a break from one of her treatments and she's like, I can't believe I'm alive. I can't believe this has happened. I can't believe the organization that I've built and all that. And I lost track of it. But a couple years later I heard from the group, the update on the thing, and she had had a recurrence, remission, whatever it's called, and she had passed away. But the whole initiative in the organization continued beyond. It had become her legacy. And I'm so proud to be in my best moments the kind of person that causes that in the world. And that's the thing that I hear and I'm reminded of in yours, in, in your story, that, that we can cause with other people through our leadership.

And that's why we do what we do. And I mean that's, that's obviously, that's a testimony to your coaching. That's also an incredible showcase of the human spirit and it actually reminds me. So there's this drug that came out that's super. It's. It's thought to halt the progression of my disease. So there is a chance I will see 40. I've never thought I'd live to 40. I didn't think 30 was an option. For goodness sakes.

You're diagnosed at what age I was.

Born with it, 24 hours old. My stomach exploded. It's left some great scars. And I had a friend who recently said, like, oh, you know, that's great that you're about to go on your speaking tour. Good thing you have this drug. And my bill, my jaw dropped because I feel like exactly what you explained. And I told this guy, I was like, that's. There's a point to that. Yes. I'm not trying to discredit that. And I would do this tour regardless of if I have the drug, if this is my last year on this planet, because I believe so strongly in my work that it's the only thing I can do. And it's not worth dying at 75 but giving up in your 20s. Like, I'm not. I'm not playing that game anymore. And so that your story really resonated with me because it's so relevant when you find what you're meant to do and you do it all out. Death should not matter. Like, it just doesn't. So thank you so much for sharing that very empowering story.

So some people have tuned out. Other people are really inspired. If you're still with us, let's talk about moving from thought to action. Right? How do we go from there to there? Talk about your work with CEOs, getting them to move into new actions.

Yeah, good. Good call. Because we're going to have zero listeners by the end of this.

No.

So thought to action, super simple. Which is funny because we think it's a motivation problem. It's not. It's a what happens before you're motivated. So for some people, it's curiosity. Right? So for all the listeners, think of a time when you were ridiculously motivated in the context of your business. Now think of the emotion you had just before you were ridiculously motivated. See, that for me is curiosity. And what that means is anytime somebody's saying, oh, I have a thought, I'm just not acting on it. It's because the motivation is not the emotion you want. It's the thought before the motivation that'll get a pep in your step. So one of the guys I coached, his big thing was he procrastinated everything, every single thing. And I started to work with him. Well, what was the thought before the action? Sometimes it takes layers because we tell stories that are not actually real. We just say that because we're conditioned to say that story. And his big thing was, he gets pissed. So go figure. Eo Alpha male, right? Like, of course you're pissed all the time. And. But being really angry gets him to act. So then the question becomes, how do I get him on a coaching call angry enough that he creates that action? Because it's not motivation. Motivation. That's why. Motivation, faith. That's why I hate being called a motivational speaker, even though I am. But I'm the emotion before the motivation. Because I want you to actually do something.

So how did you conjure that up? What did you do with that?

Case you ask, hey, what's the situation? Tell me about a time when you felt really motivated, like, we could do this live right now. Where I go, Bill, play along. Tell me about a time when you were ridiculously motivated.

I was ridiculously motivated to go to the Middle east recently. And the time that I was most motivated is when I conceived of and planned the event. As the date approached, I found myself a little anxious, a little dreading it, concerned, wishing it would be later like that.

So the strategizing was helped. What motivated you? Now let's switch gears.

I'm asking for conceiving and committing. Right. That's the part it was fired up. Cool.

So that's your mechanism. Now watch this. We're going to take it a step further. What is the thing you say? Let's say it's a cold morning, you're in bed, you're debating on if you got to get out of bed. And I know you probably have to use the restroom. Whatever. I'm not looking for that. What's the thing you tell yourself to get up and get going?

What do I tell myself to get up and get going?

What's that last thought before you put your feet on the other side of the bed and you're like, okay, I'm doing this.

People are counting on me.

Boom. So you are motivated by conceiving, strategizing, resourcing, and putting other people first.

Right. So I'm far more likely to sell out myself to be like, I'll work on my thing, but if I think that there's others counting on me, I will rise.

Yes. And so next time you're in a slump, remind yourself of the people that are counting on you to get through that slump, similar to what I shared earlier. That's my motivator. And I guarantee you will go from thought to action.

That's super, super useful. Right? Because I could think of. And I think about, like, so I used to be ridiculously fit, and I did 45 triathlons and marathons and over about a 10 period. And then as I've gone coaching and on the road, I don't exercise with the same volume consistency. And the eating on the road is also not so good. So I've gained about £30.

Good job.

But if I think about some of my peak times in exercising, I often thought, I am not alone. I'm living a life of example. And lately it's been a struggle to find, like, I'm just taking care of myself and feeling good. And so I've been focused more on making the exercise, aside from, like, dealing with the circumstance of where I am and all that, but trying to make them more fun. And sometimes that works, but not consistently. But when I think about what you just said, I'm like, oh, that's awesome. Yeah. Because I could say, look, as a coach and as a particularly visible coach on an international scale, I could think, oh, I'm not living a life of example in that area. But if I think people are counting on me to set the example, that's a new access to something.

Yeah. And if we were in a call right now, which everyone's listening in, I'm going to make you level that up because you haven't had enough, either pleasure or pain in this quick moment to truly ignite that change. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to ask you. So if the thing is, you want to get back into shape. Okay, cool. You want to get back into shape. Now I'm going to ask you who's depending on you to get back in shape. And you're going to have maybe a list of a couple people's lives that would help, you know, in your situation, probably a few thousand. Then what I will do is say, pick the top five best ones and write a letter to them apologizing for when you let them down because you didn't care enough about yourself to take care of yourself for them.

Let me understand that you're asking me to write a letter to people that I can picture and imagine where I've let them down by being in this situation.

Yep. So if the goal for you, if you want to get motivated to work out and take control of your health again, can we agree that there are people in your life who will suffer because you didn't take care of yourself? Family, clients, if you have a health scare and you're not able to function, you know, there's something that there's going to be a name or two that come to your mind that you will let down because you didn't care enough about yourself to stay in shape. You need to Write a letter to that person saying, dear person, whatever their name is, I have to let you know I'm not able to coach you this week. I got really sick. And I know I got sick because I was not taking care of myself. And like, really?

Oh, you mean expanding it out to not the present level, but a future expanded state. Right?

Yes. And I've done this exercise. I mean, these are like, you know, hour and a half calls in five minutes. So.

Yeah.

But you write out that pain of how you let them down because you didn't care about getting motivated enough. And every single time you think about making that decision to not do what you need to do, that letter is going to come back at you super powerful.

So it sounds weird and awkward.

Oh, let's do it.

And I promise you I'll do it then after the call because of that. So I'm a big fan of doing things sometimes just because they're weird and awkward. So I so get it. Yeah, yeah, I can hear that shift. So then, okay, so now we're in action. We've got some stuff. But along the way comes self sabotage. You shared something in the preparation. A personal story, the Dickens process. I don't know what that means. Could you tell us about that or tell that story? Yeah.

So imposter syndrome, self sabotage. Huge things in EO world, right? Anytime you're scaling up, we're gonna have that.

We know imposter syndrome. They're right. That's like, I don't belong here. If they only knew the real truth about me, they would not let me do this.

Right. Like how we feel every day. Well, maybe not you, but sometimes me. Yeah. So there was a situation. Very, very successful woman in the program. And she was at her corporate career and she could not decide if she wanted to launch her own business, despite her own business being profitable already. And it became she stayed in a job that did not serve her, her family or her community at whole. Because we're all about serving, remember? Because she was afraid that if she took that leap, who was she to do that? And she was self sabotaging by staying in that career. So there's many different ways in which we can categorize this. And what I did is I put her into a hypnotic trance and we called it the Train in the Valley, which is code for I made it up. And basically I had her imagine what would her Life be like 5, 10, 15 years from now if there's a train coming that offers you hope and you do not get on that train to the new destination. And you have to stay where you are. What is your life like 5, 10, 15 years from now? And then go back and tell yourself now why you were too afraid to transform. That got contextual. I know I'm condensing like hour and a half long meditations into like 30 seconds, so work with me.

Say again?

If you're at an indecision point and you think you're self sabotaging or having imposter syndrome, more so the self sabotage side, what I want you to do is imagine your life five years from now if you don't make a change. And then 10 years from now if you don't make a change. And then 15, however long you need to do it. And then what I want you to do is I want you to imagine yourself 15 years from now if you've succeeded in your goal. So for her, it was creating a very successful company that transformed millions, right?

Yeah, for sure.

Imagine yourself when you've succeeded at that goal and have a conversation with your present self about how you should have just trusted yourself the entire reason the entire way and been there for yourself. You know, teach the younger version what you need to know. Right. So we've seen that meme on Facebook a thousand times. Like, what would you tell your younger self? Well, tell your younger self from a state in the future where you have everything you want to not be so scared, to not have that self sabotage. Yeah, it's extremely effective. It sounds woo woo, I get it. It's extremely effective.

Yeah, I can hear that. So you're projecting out that future self that's been successful that has overcome the present circumstance block stoppage and you're looking back in that thing and you're given your current mediocre stuff, a little pep talk, but from a place of that victorious thing. Right?

Yeah.

What would you, what would that guy have to say to that guy? To this guy? Right?

That's, that's exactly, that's exactly the case. And you know, for her it was a positive experience. However, there's some alpha males out there that they, they need to be kicked. Right. Like I'm not the sweetheart coach that people expect out of a 5 foot 5 female. I get dirty. And so for some of the guys, I'll do imagine 5 years, 10 years, 15 years in the future and we paint such a horrible story of who they've become as men that it is vile and disgusting. Then I have them explain their future self to their younger self, how they failed as a man. And that one tends to Be more motivating for men, you know, men versus women. Right. So some women like the down and dirty, but mostly we want positive reinforcement. But some of the guys, when they're really stuck in their own fear, stubbornness or expertise, they need to be kicked around a little bit. And in that moment we'll do a very negative transgression for that 5, 10, 15 years.

So you're saying basically whatever work, if you need to go negative and dark, go there. And if you need to be light and uplifting, inspiring, then go there.

Yeah. Because that's nlp. You find the system that works for you and then you double down.

Uh huh.

Uh huh, uh huh. Do you think we have any listeners left?

We have loads of listeners. They're just driving to work, scared of.

The rest of the show.

Hopefully they're thinking of themselves. Right. I would say I've looked more for the creative breakthrough than almost anything else. And I probably tend to do that more than like, how could you? What's the story? So I never try to just power over the present circumstance. I always try to find the and. Or the or that goes in. Not just like dominate and get on top of the current thing and just psych myself up, but instead I try to look for the breakthrough that's occurred. Definitely spent some time looking at the, the mock of the present situation and maybe the extension, but I've never spent that much time thinking about as forward as you have talked about. Right. Yeah. Like taking that to the full extent, although sometimes I can see it and I can imagine in a blank like, oh, I let this person down and you know, it's usually my family. Right. It's usually my way for kids. My kids are grown now, but I still feel a need to support and provide and, and to be, to live a life of an example for them. Right. Because they'll face many challenges and I always want them to see an example even if they don't hear me talk about it or dissect it.

Yeah.

What it's like to not give in.

Yeah. And we have different values levels. So for how you talk to one person, for example, your kids are probably totally different. How you talk to one kid is not the same as how you're going to talk to the other. So in a coaching call, wouldn't it make sense to be more flexible and to give alternative viewpoints based on how they act as a human being? And that's where you know, is it positive or negative in that instance, do I got to be a sweetheart or do I curse A little bit like, I'm gonna do whatever it takes to get you the result you need. Which is exactly what it sounds like you did too, with that other lady. You know, with her, with her prognosis. You know, it's like it's all about the outcome and how you get it.

I just wasn't willing to be reasonable and normal with her. I'm like, I have compassion for what you're dealing with, but I won't give up and relate to you as a pathetic dying woman. Yeah, I'm going to relate to you as powerful until your last breath. And even if the breath is weak, what it represents will be mighty. And. And. And the most important thing. Right.

And that's. That's where I think so many people have a gap from where they are to where they want to be is it's not even the story we're telling ourselves because we change our own stories about ourselves based on the moment. Right. But it's. What are you willing to do to shorten that gap?

Yeah, it's interesting. We're doing. I think it. I. Well, maybe you can answer this for me. I feel like all of this kind of work is easier if people are really in touch with the purpose of their life and the purpose of their business, if they know their why, personal and business. But is that required?

No. So I am famously known for saying, forget your why, it's about the how, because, you know, Simon Sinek destroyed that for me. So that's my response. The why, for me can change. And I know the point of a why is it's supposed to be rock solid, but how many people's whys keep changing and then they're listening to a business model that doesn't support them. What I will say is my version of the why is something called a value solicitation, which is super gooey. And it basically is an unconscious conversation where, like, you ask strategic questions to uncover their top five unconscious values, which is what drives them. So you can't fight a underlying problem with a conscious thought because that's how you got that problem in the first place. You overanalyze. So instead, what I do is I figure out what are the unconscious drivers. And that, in a way, is the why, but it's done at a completely different level. And then you can focus on the how because your unconscious doesn't change.

So I think the why is powerful and important, but I have never related to it. Like you said, like, it's a one and done, like it's a unchanging unwavering thing, at least the expression of it. So, like, I. The first time I thought I was clear about the purpose of my life, I said, the purpose of my life is making a difference.

Yeah.

And that's really clear. And I would say that's probably the way I say it more today. But from time to time, I say it differently. The underlying feeling and impact of being coming from a place of contribution is unchanging. But the. But the way that I express it from time to time changes. Because the only purpose of saying something like that is to motivate myself, to fill myself with purpose, to drive my action, to wake me up, to help me make a decision. Is this consistent with or inconsistent with the purpose of my life? Yeah. And I find myself at a cross. Or is there a way to integrate it? Is there another approach? Right. Yeah. And I think the same thing of the business. Like, you know, you could change the way you articulate the purpose of your business. Its only purpose as a statement is to fire you up and to keep you engaged. If it doesn't get you out of bed in the morning and heading into the office, then you should either change the purpose or change the business.

Yeah. And that's where most people tend to get stuck, is we're consciously evaluating what the purpose is, what the why is. Because to get your why, I ask you why seven times, then hopefully you cry and have a breakdown. But it doesn't fix anything. It's just something you put on the wall and remind your employees to participate in. So when I found the values elicitation exercise, it clicked, because it's like five mini whys that teach me how I drive change in my life. And from that perspective, it just like, wow, we don't care about our why, we care about how we operate and the how we get it done.

Interesting. Yeah. You're propelled. So I hear something and we've referenced a couple times transformation in this, right. Something goes from one state to another state. It happens in a. In a moment. And for human beings, I think it happens in a moment where we stop seeing ourselves one way and we see ourselves in a new way and we see something else as possible that we hadn't seen possible before. And we are. Our notion of ourself is transformed for ourself, and then we're in a position to commit and act and all that.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah. No, you got it. Nailed it.

Yeah. So what does it mean to be stuck? What's the definition of stuck?

Yeah. Beautiful question. Perhaps my favorite one to be Stuck is. Stuck is basically a state of inaction where you can't make a decision, you can't move forward, there's something blocking you from. We call it closing the gap. Where. Where do you want to be? Cool. Figure that out. Where are you now? Why can't you close that gap that's stuck? We all have those gaps. Business, personal, family, relationships, whatever. We all have a gap somewhere. That's where stuck comes in. As into which category of your life are you most stuck? Are you not closing that gap? And what is that prevention mechanism?

So you're examining and dissecting and pulling apart the stuck. Is it always a verbal, linguistic kind of a thing?

So it is called neuro linguistic programming. It's the way our neuro associative conditioning works based on language patterns that we have programmed into our unconscious through conscious repetitive behavior, also known as a habit. Many times, depending on how well you communicate with someone, everything is verbal. Abracadabra, which we know is magic. Harry Potter actually is Hebrew for I create as I speak. Which is, by the way, one of my keynotes. And it all talks about how the language patterns create the lives. The fruit of our lives comes from the words, choices that we use. So the biggest catalyst, if you will, in getting unstuck is to analyze the language patterns and how you are structuring your thoughts from an unconscious level to determine what happens in your conscious level.

Just say it again.

Yeah. I don't know if anybody's ever watched Jordan Peterson, but I've been compared to him because sometimes I get so intellectual that I'm like, I don't know how to break it down.

So they're meaty things, right. So then you have to kind of pull them apart.

Yeah.

And this is maybe even repeat them a little bit.

So years of studies. So we're gonna do this. So okay, everybody, right now, we're gonna go. We're gonna go real life. So the neuro linguistic side, abracadabra means magic. So the magic in your life comes from creating every time you speak, when you speak. So there's a hierarchy of thoughts. The thoughts you have eventually become words. You say the words, you write the words, and those words then become everything. Your reality, everything you have in your life right now has come from a thought that you've had in the past. The question is, are the thoughts you're having serving you and your ultimate goals? And people become stuck because they don't realize that you can choose your thoughts like you choose your clothes in the morning. And from there you create as you speak. The more things you say, the more things you're creating. For example, in sales, if I make a hundred prospecting calls a day, one of those has to close. So I'm creating business from how many times I speak. And yes, listening is a component. We're not getting into that, but that's the general premise. So in nlp, when I work with you, I am listening to the thoughts and the way you are structuring sentences to find a gap in your linguistics that have translated to how your neuro associative conditioning aspiring how you're living your life, identifying those gaps and then helping you close that gap by reinforcing new habits and belief patterns.

So let's take, let's share an example for listeners. Yes, walk a real or imagined person.

Nope, nope. This is super easy. Okay, so it sounds hard until you're live and you're doing it and then you're like, oh, that's the easiest thing. So girl that I coached lost a pitch contest. Huge loss, devastated. Her immediate reaction is to get very angry. And we were actually in the bathroom. She was like, hey, I don't understand why I lost. And I was like, okay, do you need a coach or friend? She says, coach, cool. Game on. Let's do this. So let's go to the bathroom where it's totally private because nobody, none of the investors or anything were in there. And I go, so how do you feel when you lose a pitch competition? And she says some expletives and she's very pissed off. And then I found out she's a tennis athlete. How do you feel when you lose tennis match? Same, same naughty word choices. How do you feel when a guy breaks up to you? And her response was, eh, screw it, I'll get another one. So she just had this funny little thing about like, if a man breaks up with her, she doesn't care, she'll get another one. So we worked with her on a neuro associative level to categorize anytime she loses a competition, to not get angry, but to say, you know what, I'll get another one. And she has now gone on to win over $300,000 in six months. And her product is nationwide in stores. That's the power of neuro linguistic programming.

So it lives for her. One thing lived for her one thing, the other thing lived for her another way. What you did was uncollapse the significance around the one event, associate it with something else so that she could see it differently. Right?

Absolutely. Great recap.

Yeah, I get that. Yeah, I get that. Yeah. And so I'm sure it happens sometimes that people are resistant to that. They're like, yeah, but that isn't like that.

Yeah, cool story, bro. I mean, if you can make up anything you want to believe, why can't you make up something that serves you as opposed to resisting?

Yes.

And if we want to take it a step further, I've got a nasty review online right now about that similar type of person who can't get it, and as a result, they've been stuck and halted for growth. So if we can make up anything, if we can put a washing machine on the moon, for goodness sakes, we can believe in ourselves for like five minutes.

Yes. Yes, that's really useful. I think one of the most powerful exercises I did, I learned many years ago and have since used in a variety of forms. I've discovered it and I have people work through explaining the why of their work, the why of their key initiative, their business, the failure, and doing it until they're exhausted and annoyed. And then I have them notice that aside from their irritation with the exercise, they could make up meanings and explanations forever and that there's no real inherent meaning in anything. It's all made up. So start making up useful, interesting, empowering things instead of things that are disempowering. What is it? Where do people get stopped in believing themselves? And what is it? What's the shift then?

I mean, it's so different for everybody. Usually what happens is they expect a certain result, they don't get it. And then to justify why they didn't get that result, it comes down to they don't feel like they deserve it or they don't feel like they were enough. And over the years, that emotion just boils up and out because that's a hab. That's a habitual thought that you don't deserve it, or you're not enough.

I don't deserve it, I'm not good enough. What about. Is it in the same realm? For me, it often, when things don't turn out, I often want to blame other people or other circumstances. Yeah, I don't like to look in the mirror.

And yeah, that could be an exact thing. And so my last episode was actually about if you take a bag, any bag, like the grocery store bag, whatever, you can carry that bag and you can still get along in your life. What happens, though, is that bag, if we assume it as baggage, it's like you've got the bag in front of your Eyes. And you can't see through the baggage to the possibilities because you're clinging to that baggage.

Yep.

Good visual. Right. And so you. If you blame other people, that tells me if it's an irrational situation because there's something called being human, and then there's irrational behaviors. If you are consistently blaming other people to the point where you know it's irrational, that's a sign that there's baggage there.

Yeah.

Because something tells me it's not that you blame other people, it's that you have something deeper that you have not resolved and it's comfortable for you to blame other people.

So the baggage, my baggage, your baggage, our baggage collectively is something that we picked up earlier in life that we're still carrying around with us and that we don't notice even anymore that we've got carrying behind, but it's weighing us down and it's getting in the way of these new things, Right?

Absolutely.

The key is noticing where it came from, how long you've had a thought like that, what it's associated with kind of uncovering the history of it and the unreality of it. If I. Yeah.

And ask yourself, what if I didn't have that thought anymore? How could my life be different?

Yeah.

And it's usually centered around money or relationships. That's where people have the most baggage.

Yes.

Look at you. You just totally shifted. Yeah. There's a guy for, like my advanced. Advanced course. It's, you know, it's. It's an investment. It's not the cheapest thing I've ever created. And it takes a while to unpeel those layers so you can get that transformation. And this guy, like, Starbucks is too expensive, gas is too expensive, everything's too expensive. So of course my course is too expensive, is it not compared to the value and the return. But as a result, he's been a small business owner for his entire life and has never cracked his income because he doesn't believe. And the power of abundance of income, he's not seen through his own baggage. So he's just finding excuses of how the world prices keep rising but profits don't, you know, like. So that's. That's a situation.

The narrative explanation of why the world is the way that it is that I don't like.

And if you have an unrealistic response to an event, that's a sign that you've got some work to do on that particular area.

So I think a big pitfall in all this is the fact that especially for a lot of the people that we work with, they're above average smart people. They may be non traditional, but they're smart people. So it seems the way that it seems is real and firm and hard. Not soft, pliable, unreal, illusory. We think we see things as they are and we wonder why others can't see them. And when we're talking to ourself about ourself and about our life, I think that even complicates it. Makes it even harder still though, right?

Completely. Completely. And there is a solution.

Yeah.

I don't know how much time we have left, so I'm not going to go into super detail. I talk about it in my keynotes, but it's called Cartesian doubt, if you guys want to Google it. And it's a four question. Yeah, Cartesian doubt. And it's four questions that destroy your interpretation of reality.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah. My favorite tool.

You can't tell them.

Oh, yeah, sure, I'll do it. Okay, so give me a problem, real or imagine, Phil, and I'm going to walk you through it real quick.

Problem, real or imagine? I just don't have enough time to impact all the people I want to impact.

Cool. You don't have enough time. What does that mean? How do you know you don't have enough time? Let me start with that. How do you know you don't have enough time?

How do I. Is this the first question?

Yep, first question. I don't have time.

Well, because everybody knows there's only 24 hours in a day. I don't have any more time than anybody else has. Cool.

So we're just gonna leave it at that for time's sake. I get it. Time. How do you not know that you don't have enough time?

I can't even get that question in my head. How do I not know they don't have enough time?

Well, let's think about this. Because if you did know that you don't have enough time because there's only 24 hours a day, how do you not know there's not enough time? Well, because I've never been efficient with my time. Okay, See how that just clicked and then you're like, crap, it's an efficiency problem. We're only on the second question.

Right.

So for each chair, let's do this differently. There's a chair in front of you. How do you know it's a chair? It has four legs. How do you not know it is a chair? Well, by not knowing it's a chair well, it's not a bike because a bike has wheels. Well, how do you not know what it isn't? You're like, well, crap. And now you have to think through how you not know it's not a chair. So Google Cartesian doubt. Do yourself a favor. Anytime you have a problem and you will work through those four questions and your perspective has to switch or you're going to be like, I don't get it. And in that situation, that's where you know you have baggage.

It's not real the way that we have. Right.

You're clinging to your story like pain as a trophy as opposed to pain as a possibility.

Yeah. Okay.

Fascinating stuff.

All right, so we're fascinating. Mind bending. Hopefully we've tied you up in some knots and you're interested and curious for more. And in which case you're going to go to missklyn.com we'll put the spelling and all that in. But I'll tell you, it's really easy. M I, S S, K, L, Y.

That's me.

So it'll be link in the show notes as well. But Ms. K, Lynn, K, L, Y, N. Real simple. There's no vowel in that first.

And it rhymes with win.

It rhymes with win. And so you can see all about and. And then you've got a podcast there and lots of good stuff there. We bring a new person like this. Well, nobody's quite like this, but we bring somebody new in the world of Scaling up to you. Every week@scalingcoach.com we've got free downloads of the tools and articles and tips and things like that. I'll even give you a copy of the book Scaling up for free. You just pay the shipping and handling. Just go to scalingcoach.com and that's it. Talk to everybody again next week. All right, big thanks to the originator of Scaling up and the Rockefeller habits, Verne Harnish, the growth guy. This show is produced by Lucy Summers. Audio production is done at Podfly Productions. The audio is edited by Albert Burge. The show notes are compiled by Anne Kodina and then proofread by Tim McGowan. If you love the show, then please give us a positive review over on itunes if you go there and or wherever you go. And that really helps us to grow the show. Share it with somebody else. Like it. Subscribe so you get a mercy every week. You can also let us know the parts that you love or what you want more of with an email to info scalingcoach.com thanks again for listening. Keep scaling up.