Kate O'Brien: Crack Yourself Open | The Daniel Bourke Show

What's going on everyone? Welcome back to Day 86 of The Daniel Bourke Show. Now today is a very special episode. I had my first international guest. It's none other than Kate O'Brien, who is one of Australasia's leading life coaches. Now Kate's been through a lot of things in her life and now she's, she's using the power of the internet through her website, Instagram, and YouTube, uh, as well as various different courses to share her knowledge with the rest of the world. and I was lucky enough to be able to sit down for a 45-minute one-on-one chat with her. And as you'll see, I stuffed up the intro of the interview, but that's alright. I'll take what I've learned from this one and apply it for the next one. So, without further ado, here's Kate. We'll go from the top. So, if someone was to ask, like, what do you do, how would you describe that?

Ooh, um, I like to remind us to challenge our own thinking, and I do that through various formats. YouTube videos, conversations face-to-face, group coaching, events, and little posts, whatever.

Yeah, exactly, everything, the more the better, right? So how did you get started? How long have you been on this mission for?

I'd say about 6 or maybe 7 years within the actual business, and then leading into that, before that, running trainings at home in our house for free just because it was what we're passionate about there. And then before that, really working on myself for so many years, like really working on myself.

Ah, okay. And so we'll probably segue here, like where did you grow up?

New Zealand. New Zealand, North Island.

Ah, I see. Okay, so what city?

Hawke's Bay, which is North Island East Coast.

And so you were born there?

Born there, born there.

And where, like how long did you live there before you moved over? Like you're living in Bali?

Bali.

Yeah.

Bali. Yeah. So we were there, I was there for the first 32 years of my life living in pretty much the same area and then made the big move with a suitcase and a pair of jandals.

Oh, pair of jandals. I love it. And so why did you move to Bali?

Look, adventure, you know, because we did too long, you know.

Did too long?

Did too long.

What do you mean by that?

You know how when we get a calling, it's like, oh, imagine if I could do that. It was that kind of a feeling, like imagine if we could actually move and live in tropical paradise. Whoa. And then instead of, you know, it's like we had these little doors that opened and instead of going door open, oh yeah, wouldn't that be cool? But no, because then in the brain goes all of the reasons of why we can't. Because we've got kids, because we have mortgages, because we've got houses, because blah blah blah blah blah. And then actually just going, huh, you know what, one day I'm gonna be this gorgeous wrinkly old lady in my rocking chair, probably knitting like some cool jumper, and Will I look back and regret standing back and closing the door or will I regret going for it and then just saying I wonder what happens? I wonder if we can figure this thing out. I wonder if we can make it work. So that was the whole lengthy decision-making that had us buy our tickets. Then we bought our tickets within 2 weeks.

Within 2 weeks. So—

Within 2 weeks of the idea.

I like this. I like this. I want to sort of dig deeper on that. What do you think brought up this like decision like was it Bali specifically? Like, was it the tropical aspect or was it just like you wanted a complete change of what— where you were living, what you were doing?

We hadn't even considered moving. So this wasn't like a thing that was in our head of, you know, should we move? Like, we were just so happy where we're at. Like, life was actually really good. We weren't running from anything either. I went on holiday with my sister to Bali and we were here for 4 days and on day 2, I just sat there and I looked out and it was just the idea of, wow, I kind of feel like it would be amazing to live here. And then, you know how we can have ideas and then like we just— I just kept nurturing that as an idea over the 4 days. So just keep nurturing it. And then every time I would go somewhere, I'd be like, well, I wonder what this experience would be like for the kids. I wonder. It's like we get these little ideas, but sometimes we have to nurture them into something. And so like just continuing to ask these questions of, I wonder if, It kind of had grown into something by the time I got home, got off the flight and then said to my husband and 2 kids, um, mom's kind of got a crazy idea. Take a seat, we need to have a talk.

And okay, so was it your idea or were the people in your family thinking the same thing?

It was totally left field.

Yeah.

Totally left field. Are you crazy, mom? They hadn't even been to Southeast Asia. Oh really? So the conversation was, okay, so this is what I think could be possible for us, but we have to have 4 yeses. So there's 4 people within our family, everyone is allowed to take as long as what they want to make their choice, and everyone has to say whatever is there for them, and then come back and give a yes or no. And then we slowly got the 4 yeses, so we booked.

That is incredible. So it was like sort of an all-in or none-in.

Yeah, exactly.

You wanted everyone to be there.

To be honest, it's pretty easy. My son at the time was 7 and he just found out there were monkeys there so he just went, "Yes!" He's in for the monkeys.

Okay.

He was in for the monkeys.

What about your partner? Was like— how was he about the whole decision process, mate? Like what was his thought process?

He looked at me and he just looked at me for a little while and then he said, "This seems really important to you." And I said, "Yeah, it feels like it kind of is." And he said, "Well, if it's really important to you, we have to do it. We have to try it." Yeah, 100%.

That's awesome to have that supporting nature by your side. Okay, so were you doing what you're doing now in New Zealand, or did this start when you moved over to Bali?

Yeah, no, we've been doing this for a number of years before that in New Zealand.

Ah, okay, brilliant. I just want to talk about something. I was looking at your Instagram account before, and it's amazing, by the way, as well as your YouTube channel. Thank you. There's no way I could digest all of the amazing content you put out so far, but I'm slowly getting through it. There was one video on Instagram that sort of stuck out to me. It was the nursing manager's role, and it was you talking about how you were offered the nursing manager's role, but instead of— and that was a big moment for you. That was like, oh wow, I'm getting offered this nursing manager's role. But instead, you rejected that role and decided to hand in your resignation. I just want to know like, what, why, why was that? Like, what's the thought process behind that? Why did you deny such a big opportunity and stay at hand in your resignation?

Yeah, I know. And I remember my parents being so frustrated with me. They were like, why? You've worked with us for like so long. Checking in on the inside, it wasn't like a resounding yes. There was like a, like almost like a fearful yes, like a yes, I have to take it because it's the job I'm supposed to have, like this is supposed to be the next step. But there was something that was going, like there's something else that was more of a resounding yes, even though it was scarier and more uncertain. The other thing was pulling me. And look, I think one thing I've really learned in my life, and I've had enough rock bottom moments in my life to go face to face with that stuff within me to realize that I don't want to live a life saying yes out of fear and saying and rejecting the things that I'm really called to because I'm afraid of them.

100%. And so what— so you were a nurse for a number of years beforehand and then that was something you're working towards. What was— I know I'm just trying to dig deeper a bit on the thought process. You had your family sort of How hard was it to go against like what your family was saying in terms of like they— I'm assuming they wanted you to take the role, right? Because that's something you've been working so hard for. But instead you decided to go against that and follow your own sort of intuition. How hard was that?

Back then, I felt like that kind of old guilt space get triggered, right? And that part was the challenging part. And also I had enough insight to realize that the only reason I was having this guilt space getting triggered was because I was still, I was still tangled in basically a parent-child relationship.

Yeah. Being held back.

Yeah. Like I was, I was what, 30 years old being triggered in guilt because my, my mommy says, That's not a good idea, dear. You know, and so what it showed me, one, on the other hand, that, huh, there's really some standing on my own two feet that I'm still to do in this area, and this is just showing, pointing a torch at that for me.

100%. 100%. I love that. And I particularly like your— what you said about doing something out of love rather than fear. And there was another post on your Instagram as well about the quote, the guy talking about doing something you love rather than being held back by the fear. So you said you mentioned you came out of a sort of a— before you battled some hard situations in your life. Are you able to shed any light on what one of the— an example of what one of those are?

Yeah, definitely. And also I was going to say, happy for you to ask any question. We can go anywhere in the conversation. Yeah, so for me, growing up, I like a long time ago, I had anorexia. So I had anorexia for 3 years, and that, if anyone's ever experienced anorexia, it is nasty, nasty, nasty, nasty prison. So I had that and I had depression at the same time, and I was also suffering from bulimia, and I had bulimia for about 9 years. And just like, I was totally in a prison of myself. I was like a different human being. Like who we're talking to now, she— I didn't even know who she was back then. And so my experience of myself in the world was very, very fearful. I didn't want to connect with people. I didn't— I couldn't even talk to someone at the supermarket. So talking to another human being freaked me the hell out. It was so scary, so much social anxiety. And I was just really afraid. I was afraid of the world. I was afraid of myself. And I used to spend most of my life in a packing shed with the big door closed with this big bolt through because I couldn't talk to people and I couldn't be operating essentially.

So how long, how old were you when this was all happening?

I started bulimia sort of in my early teens and it went through and then kind of picked up and then by the time I was 18, the anorexia was pretty intense. And then I had, you know, 3 years of sort of 18 to about 17 through to about 20, that kind of age gap, full on. And then, you know, stuff like that took a long time to get through. And the reason— but the residue. So even though I kind of like healed the anorexia, so to speak, over about 3 years of like weekly counseling, there was still residue there, residue that would like show up and almost like sprout a different thing. So when I was in my early 20s, yeah, the anorexia had gone but the residue shot up something and drug addiction was in there. So I had a drug addiction for a year. So it's like—

So you're sort of replacing one with another thing.

Yeah. Okay. Yep. Because the underlying stuff hadn't like really hadn't dealt with the root cause of what was actually there.

Yeah. What do you think the root cause was? Did you find out? Do you know now?

Yeah. Feeling unlovable, feeling that the world's unsafe.

Yeah.

Like, like not being able to actually be with feelings essentially. And I feel like that's so what the world is doing. It's like, we can't feel anything but happy.

Yeah.

That's it. And here's the thing I want to say is that in a conversation like this where I'm saying, yeah, I'm now living the dream in Bali and I've got like, I've got 9 full-time employees working for me and things are just, you know, we've got our businesses global. There is such a misunderstanding that can happen where people are listening to that going, wow, Kate, you've just made it. You've got through that and now you're living the dream and it's really ace. And it is, it is really awesome. And you know, um, 3 days ago I was crying my eyes out and I was facing something. So here's the thing. It's not about, we're living in a world where we're trying to not feel, we're trying to not feel the messy bits. And I was so frightened that I couldn't feel. So yeah, I was numbing those feelings out with drugs. I was avoiding anything and so hence why I had to have the door closed with the bolt in it.

Yeah, 100%.

I agree.

It's like we're constantly searching for, I don't know, some way to alter our perspective of the world. That's why we go to things like drugs, have alcohol, we have coffee even, like just to alter our perspective of reality because we're sort of, I don't know, I still haven't worked it out myself, but this is just sort of something I've been observing is People are always trying to alter their perspective of reality rather than sort of— I think that's easier to deal with than just the general voice that's going on in their head. It's like, how can I alter this in some way through external influence rather than listening to what's actually being said? And that's just something I've realized. I don't know if it's just me or if it's other people as well, but That's definitely something I've tried to work on the last few months even. Like, that was my goal of 2017, right, is to listen to my more authentic voice. And that's why I'm loving the stuff that you're putting out, like your message and whatnot, and your stories about getting past those hurdles in your life. But the real truth is, like, even though you're in Bali, as you said, like, you've got 9 staff. It's, it's not all glory. It's not. You still got those times where, like 3 days ago, you said you broke down and cried. Like, it's a constant. The hurdles don't stop. It's just a constant journey.

So absolutely.

What were you crying about?

Um, it's a great question. So we, my hubby and I, we really live our life in terms of God constantly looking at where we're not being truthful, where we're stepping over stuff that's not working, and actually go there, talk about it, clear it up, and create something new. So the other night, that was what it was about. There had been something that we'd been operating on top of for a while and we hadn't been acknowledging it. Not because, and here's the interesting thing, is sometimes it's not like, sometimes we see things when we're ready to see them, So it wasn't like we were intentionally ignoring it. We could feel the misalignment in an area, like there was a lot of our relationship going well, but this one particular area felt misaligned. And it was frustrating because it was in my blind spot, in his blind spot. And then it came through and it was like, ho, we have to go there. So yeah, like 2 nights ago we sat down and we went to it and we stayed with it with each other and said, we said everything that you're not supposed to say to your partner. Because, you know, so much in relationships we're like burying the thing that needs to be said and it's like burying dynamite. So we stayed with it, we talked it all through and then we actually got to get the lump that was under the rug, like this, you know, it's a lump that we kept walking over. We got to pick up the rug, go, what the heck is this lump? Let's talk it right through. Let's get it so complete so that then the space is clear. And then we got to go, well, So now what do we want to create in that space? So we're actually going to recreate our marriage in the coming week. We're going to rewrite our commitments to each other, rewrite our vows. And it was only by, and this is what I want to say, only by going through what was there that we're able to clear the space to create something new. And that's kind of the thing when I talked about people are not, and we're in a world where we're not okay to feel anything but happy, that we are sometimes to go through this, what's needed to go through to get to that other space, we have to go through the messy bits. But if we're just, going, "Wanna be happy, wanna be happy," we come up to messy and we go, "No, don't want that. I just want happy." So, hopefully that answers it.

No, no, I love that. That's another thing that you certainly have a lot of great stuff on the relationships, like knowing someone. That was another key point that I picked out from some of your videos is the stories we tell ourselves about other people. And I think there was one line you said you were you were lying next to your husband and you woke up in the morning, you think about, you're trying to rethink what is the story you're telling yourself about him? Like, do you actually know who that is? So, I want to bring this back into, so if I'm, let's just say I'm in a relationship with someone and I feel like there's something I want to talk about with the other person. And I know it's like, it's easy to go, oh, just talk about it. Like, what process, like, how did you go through? Like, how did you start to notice what was going on? Like in your relationship and then, I don't know, how did you bring that into the conversation? Like, did you both come to the same path or was it you that was thinking this and then it turns out that you mentioning it, I don't know, sort of enlightened him to the fact that, "Oh, yeah, that's true. I've just been ignoring it." Like, did you both come there or did you— do you think you were the one thinking about it and it sort of brought it out in him?

Yeah, it's a great question. I'm gonna start by saying this. I think number one is that we have to be, for this to work, we have to be operating within an agreement that the things that come up within me, within the relationship, within our life are there to help us move through and grow. And I think without that primary agreement, we're in a space of knee-jerk reactions, avoiding, trying to get to happy, fixing, and like just avoiding any messy shit. So I think primarily that agreement, and I think really if that ideally, that agreement needs to be in a relationship together, that two people are choosing, like this is the context of our relationship. So he and I actually, we tend to not even say that we're married. So we actually have been legally married, even though we don't even wear wedding rings. We've been legally been married for 10 years. We have a marriage certificate, but we don't wear wedding rings. We don't talk about that because we genuinely or generally more talk about being a spiritual partnership. So what else— what a spiritual partnership means to us is about we're choosing to be together to use both our excitement and our messy stuff to bring us together for our own individual and together growth and expansion. So now That makes it so much easier on top of that foundation to go, okay, so there's something I'm stepping over, like, and to be able to check in for myself. So this is the next part, is for us to be able to pay attention to ourselves and start to listen to those parts that are misaligned and to hear, because we're constantly having parts of ourselves speaking, we're constantly hearing when things are off. But instead of it's off, but then I'm going to justify and tolerate it being off and justify why it needs to be that way, and then And then kind of like a broken arm that I'm not going to get treated, and instead I'm going to just use my other arm, right?

Yeah, I see what you mean.

Yeah, just ignore the problem. Yeah, and then we accommodate around that, going, actually, you know what, I am going to be a stand to actually work through this, and I'm going to stay with myself through it. I'm going to stay with myself, and I'm not going to abandon myself through the process. Yeah, most times we're abandoning ourselves So yeah, you're saying don't abandon yourself.

You got to love yourself first before you can love someone else.

Exactly. And then the third thing I'm going to say is when you show up and actually go there, you have to own yourself. You have to own your stuff because the other night when I brought it up, if I had been coming— there's a part of me that it totally occurred like it was his problem. Let's be honest. But if I came from that part and just went asshole, blame, it's all you. What is that going to cause? It's going to cause an equal reaction. So I had to go, which part of this has called this in, has allowed it, has been a total match to this? And I just went in and I said, this is how I feel, this is how it's occurring to me, and owned that I had that part to play in it without talking about him. And then just keep restating how I was feeling and what was happening for me. And then get curiously interested in your partner. Like, tell me, like, how is this for you? Get curiously interested in their world and they can tell you about how it is for them. Because tell you what, they've got an equal story as well.

Yeah, I agree.

And then it becomes a sharing, because here's what we're wanting to do. We're actually wanting to open communication. The purpose of this is to open dialogue. See, the things happen, things breed under the rug. We're trying to lift the rug off to go, here's this thing that we've been operating on top of, let's explore it together. I'll tell you how I feel about it, you tell me how you feel about it. I'll take my ownership for causing this lump under the rug.

Yeah.

Without going, I'll take my ownership, so you bloody well take yours. Like, there's not a, I will take it in order to.

It's not, it's not the back and forth of egos. It's just you're, you're taking ownership of everything on your behalf and then just sort of seeking to understand how they feel about it. It's not, you're sort of, hey, this is how I feel, so you should react in this way. It's, This is how I feel. How do you feel? As you said, you're opening that dialogue.

Now here's the interesting thing is we can— here's the challenge. We can have this as a concept, but then when we go in to do it and then our partner— much harder because then our partner does something like called a countermove and they countermove, especially if we've had a dynamic in place. And then literally to do it a certain way, I'd be having to break that dynamic and like doing this whole new thing. Our partner will be still, they're safe, we're safe within the dynamic. They will countermove to try and pull you back into the old agreement of the relationship.

Yes. So that's why it's so important to have that agreement, right?

Yeah. And then every time they countermove, you can just keep holding space, holding space. So yeah, blah, blah, blah. There's so much we could talk about.

I know, right? And okay, so had it, so after you had that conversation, after you realized there was sort of that lump under the rug, that ongoing issue, How did you feel once it was over? Was it relief or?

Yeah, it like, that feeling, the tenseness that was in my chest that had led me to looking.

Yeah.

Checking in over the conversation, the conversation lasted about 3, 4 hours. Towards the end, the only way I knew that it was quite complete for me was that this part had shifted. There was a space there and I checked in with him, there was space there as well. It was only— it's only at that point that then the space is there that we get to create something new.

Yeah. Fill in the—

right.

Yeah. Phoenix rises from the ashes. So in terms of like this, your headspace throughout this time, like when you— once you realize the problem, how did you sort of— how did you think about it? Like, did you— were you writing it down? Were you— do you have a meditation practice that you think about it, or was it just sort of lingering there and then eventually you decided, well, this is enough, I'm going to sort of act upon this?

For me, just literally in my head, just feeling it out. I think, to be honest, the processes work so quickly now is that I don't— yeah, I don't really have an exact process I go through. It's just more just feeling it out. And yeah, I think there are times where I might sit down and write if it's something that I really can't see, but that one was pretty clear. I just had to I just had to go there.

Okay, perfect. I might jump onto something next. So if you had one demographic for your content to be targeted at, who would it be? Like if you had a small niche demographic, like if it wasn't openly accessible like YouTube and Facebook and everything is, but if you had to say, okay, I'm going to narrow all this down for one specific person. Type of people, who would it be?

Can I be resistant in my answer?

Of course, yeah. There's no rules here.

It's really interesting because so often I know we're talking about an avatar and we're talking about an ideal target audience, and I've gone to do that in the past and it just doesn't fit. And so I keep coming back to human beings, given that, you know, our clients are everywhere from— we've got an ex-SAS soldier who's one of our clients to a 23-year-old a solo mom to a coach who is like quite a well-known coach because what the thing is, and I know there's a lot of value in having an ideal target audience, but I think the thing is what we're dealing with is really the human patterns that are happening underneath the surface that are holding us all back. And there's regardless of race, culture, sex, ethnicity, you know, there's different flavors that we're all dealing with and that's the particular niche that we're working with.

Yeah, it's just human beings. I like that. I like that. That's good. It's like what— I remember I've watched some documentaries on Bruce Lee, who's someone I personally look up to, but he's like well known for saying the fact that he didn't want to be recognized as a movie star or didn't want to be recognized as a martial artist. He wanted to be recognized as a human being, which is sort of a message I've been sort of thinking about for a long time. Rather than being known for any one thing. That's all we really are, right? It's just human beings. So I've been trying to run that story over in my own head and think about how can I do the same. So who's— do you have anyone that you look up to in terms of success?

People like Malala. You know Malala?

No, I haven't heard of her. Him or her?

Yeah, she's a young woman from Pakistan who she got shot in the face from the Taliban and because of her work. She's a stand for women going for girls' education and she lives in a part of the world where the Taliban is saying that girls can't be educated. And so regardless of the threat to her life, she's still working to have girls be educated, and she said that the best thing that could have ever happened to her, the best thing the Taliban could have ever done, was shot her in the face.

Wow. Yeah.

Because she said the day that they shot her in the face, her fear died.

Yeah.

Because she realized that there is nothing worse that they can do for her, and she still rose anyway. She is literally my freaking hero. So when I think of who I look up to, Malala is right there.

Yeah, it's so amazing how sometimes what we would— well, what I would perceive usually and what other people may perceive as something that would essentially end the life of most people, like getting shot in the face. How can you come back from that? Like, if you don't die, that's massive. But that's—

And silence people and silence them. Oh, 100%. That silences most people. Yeah.

And you'll hear those stories of people who have been bound to a wheelchair for life or who have been shot in the face or something like that. And they'll, depending on how their perspective on it, they'll sometimes even say, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Because it made me realize that, I don't know, all this stuff doesn't really, like all these fears that I had before doesn't even matter. Like I've had the worst that could happen to me, so now it's just like, I'm going to live the rest of my life through love. So do you feel as if that was— do you feel the same way about your previous sort of problems that you've dealt with in terms of anorexia and bulimia? Like, do you feel like they gave you the same sort of concept of life perspective?

Absolutely. Definitely, definitely. I feel that, yeah. I think I want to answer this in two ways, is that I remember like lying on the floor in my bedroom feeling like, well, one night you couldn't stand up and I was struggling to move and I thought that that was the night I was going to die. And that was so— I don't know how to language the feeling in my body and the feeling in my head. I remember I wanted to cry but I felt I was too wasted to even cry. And I was just thinking, I've done this to myself. So in terms of facing my mortality and then going, what's the other option? The other option is what I chose and I decided, holy crap, if I get through tonight, there's nothing going to stop me. I will do whatever it takes and I will just really do what I'm here to do. Because I remember what— it was interesting when I was lying on the ground, what came through was my dad's voice. and what Dad— I remember Dad saying to me when I was a kid, he said, "You can do anything, kid." And I remember it like— at that point where I felt like I was about to lose it all, that voice came through so strongly and I was like, "Phwoar! I could have done anything and here I am. Holy crap, I'm going to do anything." And so yeah, I think that gives perspective for sure.

So yeah, that was your formative moment, like lying on the floor being inches from death and it's sort of like you realized like this whole thing. You took extreme ownership of what you sort of done. Like, how old were you when this happened? I know we sort of discussed about it before, but how old do you think that was when that—

23. 23. And I think this is what I want to say is that we have moments like that and everyone has moments like that. Maybe not seemingly that dramatic, but we have moments whether it's a friend died. The other day, my husband's— sorry, one of my best friend's husband was killed on his motorbike. 5 days ago. And we all have moments. We all have these little, these wake-up calls. The thing is, we can't wait for the wake-up call to move us. See, that thing happened for me on the floor, and now it's easy for people to sit here and go, oh, well, Kate had that. That's what did it. No, that's not what did it. What did it was every day when I stood up for myself after that. It didn't make anything easier after that. Surely it gave me a little bit of perspective in that moment, but that's been, what, 12 years since then. I've had to go face to face with my stuff every single day and I still do. And I find what people are often unwilling to do is to really go through, like to go through what it takes to have those things that they're really wanting. But the thing is, we may as well. We're actually going to be dead for so long. We're going to be dead for so long. I know that sounds so cliché.

No, no, no. I totally understand. That is 100% true. It's like that. You look at the timeline of humans and your lifespan on the timeline of the universe, it's just, it's easy to see how insignificant one lifetime is. But that's so true. Like, you had the— it's— you can't put it down to having that one single moment. Like, you— that, okay, you were, you were inches from dying, but then it's exactly what you said. It's the actions that you took day in, day out after that. And it doesn't— it doesn't get any easier. So if I relate that back to scenarios from my life where I've sort of— I was overweight in high school. I don't have a scenario as devastating as yours, but I was overweight in high school, but then over the next few years I've sort of gotten into fitness and sort of transformed my body and that whatnot, become a competitive fitness model, etc. And I find that the question I most often get asked is sort of, What's the shortcut to this? What's the shortcut to— how do I lose weight? What's the shortcut? And I sort of— I'm sort of— I could seem rude when I answer that question and say there's no shortcuts. Like, it's just hard work every day. Like, I don't have a secret. It's just I show up every day. And like, like your series, Showing Up. I show up every day, do the things I know, and it doesn't get any easier. Like, there The fact that sort of I've lost all this weight over the last few years doesn't mean that it's sort of easier to keep off in the future. It's just sort of every day is a new battle and I learn something new every day. But that's what I think a lot of people are looking for. The shortcut to wealth, the shortcut to success, the shortcut to six-pack abs. If there was a shortcut to any of it, we'd all be billionaires and all have whatever we wanted and six-pack abs and whatnot. It's about showing up every day. So that's what I'd like to go in and discuss, like the Showing Up series. Why did you start that?

There's so much out on social media that is— just shows one side. And so the Showing Up series is to show the breadth of just life. So for example, I am cringing a little bit with this one, but we've got an episode coming up in fact just behind me, we've got a full-time videographer who works here. He's just working on the episode right now. And you know, we went out last night, a couple of weeks ago on a date night, Hinari and I, and we made this ultimate fantasy date night and it was so cool. He was Clark Kent, I was Lois Lane.

It was awesome.

We were at this flash hotel. Well, that was really cool. And on social media we showed a beautiful photo of ourselves. The reality is that night I ended up vomiting in the toilet because I cannot handle my tequila like I used to.

Yeah.

You know, and so we're going to show that. We're we're going to show just the whole night and I didn't realize but when I was power chucking in the toilet, he had the camera behind me filming.

Oh really? So it's all on video.

Yeah. It's all going in.

Yeah.

I think that's the thing is often we're doing one of two things. We're often dialing down our extraordinariness because we have this kind of agreement that I can't shine too bright because I make other people feel uncomfortable around me, right? So then we keep ourselves a bit smaller. Or we do this, we pretend that the messiness isn't there of life and we just go highlight reel, highlight reel, highlight reel. I feel like we're doing one of two. And what we're wanting to do through these series is just show it all and just go, hey look, we have human experiences because we're human beings. We also are extraordinary because we're human beings. And hey, let's just be okay with the whole spectrum of all of that and let's show it all.

Yeah, that's it. The yin and the yang, right? It's like you can't have the extreme feeling of good, you can't have without the feeling of bad. Like, just because one exists, like the sheer fact that the good feeling exists means that the bad feeling exists. I think I've been guilty of that in the past too. Like, for example, like, just as you said, on social media, it's sort of— I deleted it for a long time because I felt like if I did have to share something, it had to be a highlighted version of my life. And if I did sort of look at all the other people's feeds, that's also what I was getting. So I sort of, I don't know, felt like I resorted to deleting all my accounts off everything for a good period of time, like 6 months, just because I wanted— I felt like I needed some headspace. The fact is, like, what am I actually trying to accomplish with this? Why do I feel so much anxiety when I go to share a photo with my friends? Why do I look into every single facet of a picture that I've been tagged into when there's beautiful photos of everyone else's face and then the only person you're focusing on is yourself? And I'm like, why, why, why is this? So, that's sort of my solution to that, which is just cut it all. But I love how you said like it's not all— life's not all the highlight reel. And I think it's— that's something I'm still struggling with is to share my sort of— not just the photos of like me. Like let's just talk Instagram for an example. Like photos of me because I'm into fitness, whatever. Photos of me without a shirt on or something working at the gym. I don't want to be that person who's just doing that, but in the past I felt like I've I've had to because that was my reputation, right? And, uh, and something I'm struggling with at the moment and sort of that's why I started the podcast. That's why I started like making YouTube videos so that I could, uh, just discuss more, more so with myself than, than everyone else, uh, what the truest version of myself is. And I don't really know where I'm going with any of this, but it's it sort of brings it just back to the point that what you often see on social media is just highlight reels. It's not— and it's not like true versions of people's lives. So that's why it's such a big thing for you to— you had the amazing date and whatnot, you had a great time, but at the same time you got the vomiting in the toilet and whatnot. And people can see see the yin and the yang, essentially the good and the bad. So, I don't know, what would your— how would you tell someone to sort of— is there a way to listen to your true voice? Like, do you know, have you found a way, or is it just you got to keep going day in and day out and accepting yourself for being a human?

Yeah, awesome. 100% prioritize developing listening and hearing your, your, like, the true voice. Yeah, developing that reconnection is, I would say, it's like the number one priority.

And because we're so drunk in life, like, is that like number one priority in life?

Yeah, I would say number one priority in life. It is, it's crucial and it's everything. And we are drowning in noise, noise from social media, noise from other people's opinions, even the noise in here from this part of us that's constantly whirring. Like, there's just so much noise. And if we are not grounded into and connected into something that is just really solid and true, that is actually there to guide us anywhere anyway, what we're doing is we're constantly looking out. It's like we're, we're constantly looking out, radaring to go, what, how am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to do? But the thing is, because the external world that we're attaching onto is moving, we can't— we, we have this kind of feeling of being pulled at and pushed and scattered because we're grabbing onto things that are moving, right? And so then there's this feeling of second-guessing and judging, and it's tiring. Yeah, it is so freaking exhausting, and it doesn't actually have to be that way. The thing is, we don't even realize the impact, the impact of not actually knowing and having a relationship with that true part of ourselves and going to that as the, as the, the wise counsel, you know, checking in with that. The impact is low energy. The impact is scatteredness. The impact is like an ungroundedness. The impact is neediness, urgency.

Yeah, I totally agree. You just sort of don't know what's going on. You don't know what's up and down. You're just being dragged in 6 different directions at the same time. It's a— once you're sort of realizing it happening, it's sort of a— I don't know. It's an exponential growth from there. Once you realize that you're sort of— you've got this voice in your head sort of speaking to you, it's— you can't drown it out. Once it's— once you recognize it there, it's always there. I think going back to what we said at the start, I think that's one of the reasons why we sort to things like drugs, like alcohol, like etc., fill in the blank, to drown out that inner voice sometimes. Because I think at times it's easier to ignore it than it is to, I don't know, listen to it. That's just—

Absolutely.

That's just what I—

Absolutely. And I was going to say, we actually get a hit. We get a hit off the other one. Like this, we get a payoff, you know. When we are looking outside and grabbing on to certain things to perhaps feel valid or feel justified, we get this hit of feeling valid and justified, feeling significant. So we get that. But here's what I want to say is it's not like a black and white thing where you find your truth and then, oh, it's like nailed and it's all over. It's an on course, off course thing. Like a rocket ship, you know, rocket ship is 99% off course, but it gets to its destination because it's constantly and consistently course correcting. So it's like us on a daily basis. It's like course correct. I did a group training just before this and I was on there and there was a ton of people on it and I was group coaching people and just one one after the other doing like laser coaching. And this one, like I think I'd coached 15 people and then this one guy hopped on and I was coaching him and I was getting this weird feeling on the inside. And then we kind of wrapped it up and he hopped off and someone else hopped on and I was like, actually, you know what? And here's the thing about listening to yourself and course correcting. I was like, listen to myself. And I was like, everything I told him he did not need to hear. Up until then was awesome. But you know what? It needed to be acknowledged. He did not need to be told anything. And I was like, damn. So I was like, okay, stop. Blah, his name was, and I said, look, bro, I'm so sorry. Just by the way, everything I said just then, don't even worry about it because to be honest, you've got it. You just need to be acknowledged you're awesome. It's like course correcting. But the thing is we often get scared because it's like, oh my God, I fucked up. And then we have a story about our fucked upness. We make it like, imagine the opposite. I get off that little coaching segment and I see him there and I like, I get that feeling and then I feel bad about myself and then I feel guilty and then I try and cover it up because I feel like I was wrong, then I try and make myself right and I kind of like toughen up with my personality more and then I become even more coachy. Does that make sense?

No, no, it definitely does. It definitely does. Like that.

And then we can spiral.

Yeah, that—

Course correct, course correct.

100%. It's like that. What I've been trying to do lately is spend more time reflecting on what I've been doing because I think it's easy, like, course correction is hard to do, right? If you're on one path, it may be easy to just keep up the momentum and keep following it along, like, whatever it is you're doing, like, whether it's work, whether it's family, whether it's relationships, whatever, whatever it is you're doing, it's easy to keep going if you've got momentum. What's hard is to to put the brakes on and sort of reflect and going, hold on, is what I'm doing right now the right path for me? And that's something I've been trying to implement more into my life in terms of I'll spend half an hour a week, like just a small amount of time, going over what did I do over the last week? Am I, I don't know, doing the things that I want to be doing? Am I choosing love over fear? And I think That's a great point from what you just said. You could have easily just finished the coaching session with him and gone, "Oh, no, it'll be alright. Whatever I've just said, he'll take it and make the most of it." But no, you've thought back in your head like that's probably not the best scenario for him. He's— it would be easier for you to move on than to go back and sort of admit your mistake, or not calling it a mistake, but admit the fact that what he was doing was right, and rather than listen to you, just you just acknowledging his acts. I think that's a lot harder to do. So, we'll probably wrap this up, but if you had— what are— we'll start, we'll just finish with a couple, like 2, 3 quickfire questions. What do you think? What are— if I was to go away from this, what are 2 to 3 things that I could, or even one thing, that I could start doing today? So let's just say I'm someone who's got this conflict in my head, whether it be relationship or work or whatever, whether it be life in general. I've got this conflict in my head. What's 1 to 3 things that I could start doing today to resolve that?

Yep, I would say this one thing, and it sounds impractical, but I would say zoom right out. Like, zoom out, out, out, out, out, out, so that you can just see you sitting there and you can see other people in their houses around you, and you can like see that you are part of a community and a world. And then looking from this perspective back at you, and also look at the other people and see that, ah, right, I get it. We're all going through stuff.

Yeah.

Oh my gosh, I don't have to fix this. I don't have to fix me. I'm actually doing a freaking amazing job of being a human being.

Yeah.

And then from that place, breathe and loosen up, like just kind of wiggle into yourselves a little more.

Yeah.

And have a little bit more fun and then go, cool, so what are, like, if I'm actually facing something, what are like 100 crazy creative solutions that I could approach this with? if I wanted to be a little bit creative. And then you'll just get more ideas popping in and then just play with your ideas. I think sometimes we're so like stuck in the significance of everything that we kind of have to pop out and go, it's actually all cool, it's actually okay. Like this is actually part of what I signed up for in this whole life thing. It's all cool.

I love it, I love it. That's it. Zoom out, get the bigger picture rather than just sort of the tunnel vision all the time. Wrapping up, let's just say if I want to hear more from you, where can I go to find all your stuff?

Yep, come and check me out on social media. So Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube, those are my 3 hangout places, and it's Kate Marie O'Brien, and that's Marie with M-A-R-E. So on YouTube I do videos, so quite— I call them my 90-second Hollywood blockbusters, and they're just, you know, 90 seconds that calling us all to rethink certain things.

Yeah.

And they're a nice watch. And then on Facebook and Instagram, I put little daily conversations like this into little posts, just reminding us to think and love ourselves and love each other more.

Yeah, I've definitely checked a lot of it out. I haven't been through it all because there is so much, and I've gotten a lot of value out of it. So I highly recommend it to anyone who's watching or listening. But Kate, thank you so much. I hope you had a good time.

Thanks so much for having me, Daniel.

Yeah, I had an awesome time.

Cool, thanks Daniel. I really love what you're doing too, and thanks for your time.

No worries, have an awesome day. I'll see you later.

See ya.