Dr. Laurie Emery Reveals Why You Get Stuck And How To Transform Your Life and Your Business

Welcome to Bacon Wrapped Business with Brad Costanzo. Sizzling hot business advice guaranteed to make you fat profits. Every week, our chefs will serve you proven recipes for ramping up your revenue. Now here's your host, Brad Costanzo. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to a video episode of Bacon Wrap Business. So if you're listening to this on itunes or an audio or I want to let you know that there is a video version of this you're just not seeing. And you can actually get that if you go to baconwrappedbusiness.com we'll make this easy transformation, and you'll see what this is all about. Because today's episode is really all about transformation and the differences between regular personal development change transformation. It's something that a lot of entrepreneurs are junkies for. I know I've always been a personal development junkie, from books to courses to seminars to programs. And today I've invited a transformation expert, a specialist that has been highly, highly recommended to me, and I've been really excited to interview her. Dr. Laurie Emery. Dr. Lamoury. Or should I call you Laurie? Which would you rather prefer?

You can call me whatever you feel. I'll answer to both.

Perfect. So a lot of times I go into, like, a background with all of this, with all of these accreditations and the reason that you're here with me today, but I also feel as though better than that because obviously your credentials, we can see your diplomas in the back. But you were so highly recommended to me by a mutual friend of ours named Jim. And Jim Fortin, he's an entrepreneur. He's a sales and marketing expert, and he went through a transformation workshop with you. What was it, maybe six months ago or something like that. And Jim and I have been friends, and he and I think a lot alike. And he called me and emailed me. He's like, you absolutely have to talk to Dr. Emory. We have both done a lot of stuff, and she is far and away one of the most exciting transformation change experts that I've met. And that goes a lot coming from Jim. So I will let all the listeners just realize that you, you are somebody who's been so highly recommended to me. And we'll let the content kind of speak for itself. But I kind of want to dive into this because a lot of times on the show, I've talked about really tactical and strategic business building tools from how to advertise on YouTube and how to close more sales and how to do better email marketing. It's a lot of the tactical stuff, but Interestingly, in the circles and the masterminds that I belong to and that I run, and even with my own coaching clients that I coach on business, the number one thing that comes up and the biggest roadblock is always the mindset and the stumbling blocks that we all face as entrepreneurs and the challenges. And a lot of times they're really similar and it's usually the biggest things that keep us from progressing. And I know I've got my little limiting beliefs, inner demons and challenges, and we all do. So I'm really excited to kind of dive into this and see what you have found with your own practice, how you've helped entrepreneurs and maybe what's a little bit different about what you teach, like the difference between personal development and transformation and whatnot. So I'll get off my little introductory soapbox here and just kind of get into this. So tell me a little bit more about your practice, who you work with and how you help them to give us some context for this.

Sure. Well, I'm going to jump off from a few places that you talked about there. You know, I think it's what I like to talk about more than my credentials is how I got here. And I actually love that part of my story because I did go to school for an amount of years, that I have wonderful student loans to prove how long I was in school. And I really thought that's going to be who I am in my lifetime. When I got my PhD in psychology. And I not only started off on my journey of what does it mean to really help people, but what does it mean to help myself. Like what's going on over here. Right. Became very important to me. And I love that I do my work through myself, not around myself. So I'm a very real human being. I stand shoulder to shoulder with everybody else. And what I found, not only with the numbers of people that were coming into my office to come do traditional talk therapy all those years, along with my own work, was I watched myself fall into what some of us call the black hole over and over. And I mean, here I am, this educated person, fairly intelligent, fairly well rounded in the world and street smart and what have you. And to watch myself, like I'm sure for all of us, to watch yourself be so competent in some ways and then find these blind spots that you keep tripping over in your life is very frustrating. And so I set out on a journey to really find not only for myself, but for the people that I was working with. I really believed that I could only take People, as far as I had gone myself. And so I began looking for what else is there? After three, four, five years on the couch doing my own talk therapy, I was still in the depths of so much of my own stuff.

And it's so easy to help others and then not yourself, right? That's so frustrating.

And I don't know, actually, because my mission began to be that I really wanted to create a transformational change for people, and I hadn't found how to do that for myself yet. So fast forward in my story, putting myself through, like you and Jim, workshop after workshop, and personal development weekend and the motivational stuff and the reading and all of it. And of course, class after class, I finally found it. And I was so excited to find out why traditional talk therapy doesn't work the way that transformational work does. And what I found was that the way our brain is designed, Brad, is that I'm going to simplify it, like, water it down majorly here. But the basic of it is there's three levels of our brain. And when we go through heightened emotional experience, experiences or traumas or whatever you want to call all that fun stuff that affects us, it gets stored at the first two levels of our brain. We call it the monkey brain or the reptilian brain. And then we grow up and we become an adult, and we have that third part of our brain that's rational and intellectual, and it has us make good decisions and be grounded. And yet, if you watch yourself out in the world or in relationships or if you're a parent, every parent knows this place where you get hijacked, right? Somehow, in a moment, something happens where you get triggered and you're not your reasonable, rational self, and you act in ways or say things that you're like, man, I wish I wouldn't have done that. Right.

I know better than that.

Right, Right. And so what I found out was that there is a trap door in our brain between levels one and two and three. That happens when we get stressed. And so when that trapdoor is shut, our rational brain is not available. But interestingly enough, treatment that we do in talk therapy and typical personal development is given to the third level of the brain. But to heal that stuff, that hijacks us to really know ourselves. And the place that we need to know ourselves is not. I don't need to know more about what I already know, and I don't need to know more about what I don't know. Like, I know I'm not going to be an engineer tomorrow, right? What I really need to know is what is it? I don't know. That I don't know. And that's my blind spot. And that's transformational work. That's where it goes is what Wayne Dyer calls getting in the gap. Right. And so all of the work here at Build you'd Life by Design that I have written is done experientially because the lower two point parts of the brain only understand experience. So if you want permanent transformation to happen, you've got to do that level of work. There's no other way. Otherwise you can teach yourself the doing the behavioral pieces as much as you want and come out of every motivational weekend with a really excited, I'm going to really do it this time. And then three, six months later, you're back in the same place.

Yeah, I think we've all experienced that. Anybody who's done any, I mean, even if you just read a single personal help book, right. And you're all excited while you're reading it, and I'm dedicated to change, but it's just adding, like you said, adding a little bit of content on there. Right. And you know, in speaking with the person who referred you, Jim, he said, you know, I really want you to dive into the difference between content and context and the way they play off each other. See, he's taking notes. I guess it's working. But before we do that, I want to give, I mean, this is bacon wrapped business, right. So I want to give the people a little bit of meat by talking about maybe some real life, a couple of real life examples that you've seen. So maybe and coming from your entrepreneurial business owner clients, like, tell me about what people started with and what they experienced and then, you know, kind of how you help them. Because I think that there's no better way to conceptualize what's, you know, what works than going through kind of like a live example. And then we can, I want to break down kind of the theory and the concept behind it. So people go, oh, I see, that's how that worked.

Sure. Well, what we see over and over, and I say we because I've got some other wonderful transformational coaches that work with me in my programs is, you know, some people come into our programs and they are conscious to certain things, pitfalls, not blind spots, but places where they get stuck. They're conscious to what they might call problems and challenges. And what I love about transformation is where people end up they didn't even know to ask for when they started. So you know, I remember in the gym's class we had a guy come in who was running this multimillion dollar business, highly successful, came to the weekend and when I asked him his goals in the beginning of the weekend, he said, I just want to get to that last 10% of what I need to accomplish in my business. And this is a man who's a little bit older and really pretty seasoned in being an entrepreneur. And he's like, well, I was like, well, what's that last 10%? And he talked about not needing to be there all the time and letting go and what have you. And he left that weekend with so much more than just that last 10%. I mean, excited to go home to his wife and reconnect with her and how to restructure his life and his business so that there was freedom. And there were so many things that got released for him that were so much bigger for him than just looking at that small area.

Right. And I've noticed that in my own life as well, when I've done some of that where I'm just like, I'm so focused on like this. If I just get this as the answer. And I think, you know, a lot of people, just regular consumers, like, oh my God, if I just have the Apple Watch, my life will be complete. And my life is not complete if I don't have those right shoes or what not. They get it. They realize it's not that, but it's the same thing in transformational work. It sounds like that what we go in thinking we want is not necessarily well.

And as human beings, we are addicted to doing and having, right? And in our work, we take everybody all the way back to who you're. It's the be, do have model as opposed to the do have be model, right? It's who you're being in the world and where you're operating from, right? The roots of your tree, your beliefs, your core values, where you operate from. There is no work that substitute doing work there on who you're being in the world and you're limiting beliefs and the beliefs that don't serve you anymore. And so we coach everybody to major distinctions of transformation. That if you're a powerful leader and you're reaching your maximum level of success, you are operating from these places. And so focusing on who you're being while you're trying to accomplish something in the doing in order to have what you say you want. And the have is not necessarily. In fact, I'm going to say it's not Material and tangible things. Because as you well know, and I think most of us know, we don't want the money because of the inherent value of the money. We want the money because of what we make money mean. Right? Freedom. Yeah. Safe, right? Exactly.

So you bring up something really interesting a few years ago. So for many of my listeners, I don't really talk about a lot of personal growth kind of things, although some of the most popular topics when I do so I've got, and I told you I got my master's certification in neuro linguistic programming. And I've done a lot of this other stuff. And one of the key parts out of there that I took and then I built on this myself, I just had this realization was the aligning of what's called, called neurological levels. How it's. You change your environment, then your actions and what you're doing. And then at the very top, I won't go through the whole thing is who you are, like your identity and who you're being. So exactly like you said, you start at the top with being, but down at the bottom is doing. And a few years ago, it hit me anecdotally, I guess, that back when we were children, whenever you talk to a child, number one, you. You ask them, so what do you want to be when you grow up? And when a child talks, they say, I want to be a fireman. I want to be a superhero. I want to be a baseball player. And they talk in that B tense. The kid doesn't say, I want to do xyz. But when we get older, we all talk. A lot of us start to say, well, I don't know what I want to do for a living. I don't want to. I just got fired. What do I want to do? And it kind of hit me like, huh, that's really interesting. As we get older and we face that frustration, we're talking in 1/10 versus.

When we were children. Well, it's the water we swim in. Brad, I love that you brought that up because we just got off one of our module distinctions which was about responsibility. And Jim was on this call. And the distinction is living from a responsible way of being versus a victim mentality. And so we made the distinction and we always make it in our culture. Everybody talks about, I'm going to take responsibility. And the shift that there's nothing wrong with taking. Taking responsibility. But our coaching is about responsibility in the way we coach. It is not outside of you. Right. The way we coach it is if you are being responsible Right. That you are living. It's a little word and it's huge.

But the minute you say that, I was like, whoa, yeah, are you going to take responsibility or you're just going to be responsible?

Right. And if you're operating as I am, the common use, those words that Jim gave you, the context of responsibility, then all of my being comes out of that. Right. That I create everything around me and I just own that. Not from. I'm not the blame, I'm not looking for credit. It's not an ego thing. Right. It's a choice to live from that place because it's the most powerful place to live from.

Right. That makes sense. So what do you feel are some of the biggest issues, fears, frustrations, challenges, limiting beliefs, whatever you want to call it, that a lot of your entrepreneurs, clients face? Like, I bet that there's kind of a common thread that runs through that.

Like, yeah, I think as human beings, we are trained to live out of integrity. We are.

What do you mean by that, though?

Well, I think that we are. We'll go back to the child thing. You know, to me, integrity is like a car being in alignment. That what I say, what I think, what I feel and what I do all line up. But if you think of it from an early age, a kid falls on the ground, they hurt their knee, and parents don't want to tolerate the fact that their child is crying. Now, I'm going to make this a little bit extreme to make my point, and they pick them up and what's the first thing they say is, oh, it doesn't hurt that bad. Right. Like, how do you know?

Right.

The kid's crying. And so instead of just the wow, I bet that hurt. Let me just hug you and be with you until you're done. We do a lot of that in raising our children. So by the time we're older, the message we get is, I don't know if I know what I'm feeling. I don't know if I should trust that place in me that gives me information. Right now we're out of integrity because now we should be looking somewhere else for what's true for us, what's in alignment for us. We live out of integrity in so many ways. There are many ways to be in integrity. One is be your word when you give your word. And the other is the way, as you can appreciate with neuro linguistic programming, the way we use languaging in our life, like to be. Because language is all we have to communicate and to connect, we Use it in a way that's so not purposeful. Right.

Yeah. Speaking of that, one of the things, I studied it for several years, and no matter what we do, we always just come away with a fraction of the big takeaways that we keep with us. And one of the things I took with me with me, and any listeners can also take this, but, you know, the concept of what, you know, modal operators, like, if I say to myself, I need to go to the gym today, I really, I should go to the gym today, I want to go to the gym. None of those really fire me up. But if I say I choose to go to the gym today for some reason, like for other people, that has no emotional impact. But if I say I choose, I think it. I thought a lot about this. I. It presupposes that I've got the freedom to choose, and I value freedom over anything else. So if I choose it, this is my decision. I kind of feel good about it. Nobody's forcing me to. I don't need to. And I found, like, right now I still have to finish off my taxes because I had to extend. And those are the worst thing. Right. Especially for somebody with ADD like me. But I'm like, all right, I choose to do my taxes. It makes it a little bit less gut wrenching.

Yeah. And I love that that works for you. It's one of the distinctions we coach people to is how do you get yourself to choice? And it's so closely connected to commitment and how we do commitment. Because without really committing to something, then the chasm between what we say we want in our life to turning into reality, and when I say what we want, I mean like a vision for our life. Like those of us who are entrepreneurs, you know, I mean, we know what it is to be out there up against our stuff every day, because what does it take to run a business? It's all about you. Right? You're up against you every day. So getting yourself to look at how you choose and choose is not like, I'll choose it because there's nothing better. Choose is. I'm both feet in. I'm choosing it and I'm committed.

Choosing it because I want it because it's. Yeah. You know, you mentioned commitment. And I've also had this kind of realization where, you know, we commit to everybody. We commit to. To our wives and our husbands and our boyfriends and girlfriends. We commit to our children. We commit to be there. And if we break a commitment, it's one of the worst things you can do in life, right? Like, you cheated on your spouse, you lied to them, you broke your word. And that's one of the most valuable things that we have as a relationship. But it seems as though when we will cheat on ourselves and break that commitment and rationalize it it and we'll cheat on ourselves and not hold ourselves accountable for that cheating. And it's like, I do it all the time. I'll say, hey, I want the six pack, but then I'll find myself eating the Krispy Kreme. I actually don't eat Krispy Kreme, but you know what I'm saying? And I find my. Like, I just forgive myself, whatever. But I think if we really treated our commitments to ourselves the way we do it towards others, we probably experience radical results.

Yeah, I'm sure. Well, not only probably. I'll tell you how radical those results are. I was just reading an article the other day because one of our models we just got off of was integrity and being your word. That being our word in our. It's just again, being it is being it. Whether you're being it for yourself or for someone else. There's no compartmentalizing there. The damage that you do to yourself and your productivity and your ability to accomplish the results that you say you want it is so detrimental. I was reading an article that says, in your business and in your life, if you're living out of integrity, the prices you're paying are so huge. And then they turned around and talked about the payoff if you shift it and begin living in integrity. It's not 10 times better productivity. It's not even 50 times better. They said it's a thousand. I'm sorry, it's 100 to 500 times that you are more productive by shifting just your integrity alone.

Wow.

It's huge.

So it sounds like that's a big foundational part of the work that you help do. So what is the difference? I kind of asked you this before between personal development. So Jim told me to say this. He goes a great theme because I talked to him right before this to say what would be some other good stuff from somebody who's gone through your gauntlet of change and it's worked. He's like, personal development as it is is broken. And I wanted to get your opinion on that. Like, do you agree with that? Or is it, you know, what's your take? Because there's so much personal development out there.

There's so much.

And a lot of people use the word, I'm a transformation Expert or oh, I'll help you transform. Do they really. So let's, let's. I really like to solidify the distinction, both for me and for the listeners.

Right. And again, it's about the level of work that you're doing with a person. So I wouldn't say that there's no value development. What I would say, though, is for those of us who are committed to living a life of major excellence and deep fulfillment and those of us who live, and I think entrepreneurs are those people that we live on an edge that a lot of people don't. Right. We will go after. There's a difference between being good and being excellent. And I think that's what entrepreneurs are doing out in the world. Those of us who stay with it longer than five or seven years. Right. We don't give up. So personal development to me is it's a more better, different program. Right. And there's some good that comes out of that. But when it comes to transformation, here's the distinction I love to use. I want you to imagine the caterpillar saying to itself, I really want to be a butterfly. And so it goes out and it tapes some wings on its back, because these wings are really cool. They're really cool. They're very pretty. They're very big. It's a new fit for me. Right. Like, I'll try them on and I'll make sure I got the right ones. They're like Gucci wings and.

Right. And then it jumps off a branch.

So he's. Right. So he's. Exactly, exactly. So he's taking the context he already lives out of as a caterpillar. That's all he knows. And he's trying to fit transformation or, you know, personal development wings into his caterpillar context. So there's only so far he's going to get out of his box. Right. What transformation does, it's about choosing. When you make a vision for your life and you choose from the extraordinary life, right. Way out of your box, you can't even possibly see some of those goals could even be possible. And then when you're coached to those places, you must be someone different in order to have them happen. You must create a bigger context, a bigger plate in order to have those goals turn out. Right. And so transformation is, you know, in the cocoon, the caterpillar actually liquefies, and there's no evidence that it's going to come out a butterfly from the DNA that's in there. Right. And so when it comes out, the butterfly, it is absolutely 100% transformation different from what the caterpillar was. And Jim is starting to experience that. Renee, you should talk to him about it.

I did. Last time I saw him, I saw some wings sprouting out of his back. I was like, what is that? Is that a pimple? He's like, no, it's my little butterfly wings. I'm sure he'll appreciate us talking about this because I know he's looking forward to watching, but that makes a lot of sense, and it's probably one of the things, I would imagine that there's a lot of frustration. I've faced it myself. Where. Wait a minute. I've read all these books. I know the power of positive thinking. I know the power of this. I've got all this knowledge, like you said, stuck probably up in one part of the brain. How come the change isn't coming? And it sounds like you're saying, because it really hasn't been integrated experientially. And it's not until we really experience that. And it's hard to do that for ourselves unless it's forced upon us. Right. Unless we have to deal with something that is right.

Life gives you some transformation.

A lot of times negatively. And then we are forced to cope with that. Right.

But oftentimes we have limiting beliefs in our blind spot that we don't even know they're there. The ones that we know of are probably easier because we can clean those out. But the ones that we don't know of and they keep creating. We keep creating results that we think we're not committed to, but we keep creating them. Like, some of us get the same boyfriend over and over, or we have the same problem in our marriage over and over or whatever it is. Right. So 90% of that is what you bring to the relationship if it's repeating over and over.

Right. We're looking to fill these subconscious needs that they don't really help us in the greater context, but they're helping us in other little. I had a conversation with a friend of mine who just always dates, like, really? Really? This is my podcast, Bitchy Women.

Really, really Bad.

Loves the drama. Like, why do you only date girls who bring you so much drama? And we talked about this. I got a little bit of a background in this stuff. And he's like, you know, I never really thought about it, like, what need are you really fulfilling? And I don't know if we got down to the depths of it before we started having beers, but it was something about, like, his mother Actually treated him very, very bossy, very, very this, that, and the other. And he's like, yeah, that actually may have something to do with it. I never even thought about it. But it's maybe that degree of familiarity and it causes the repetitive patterns.

Sure. I mean, I see. I have a friend of mine who's an entrepreneur, and she owns her own legal practice, and she hires staff consistently, whether it's another attorney, her secretary, or other assistants in the office. She hires the same person over and over and over and is continuously frustrated. Right. Continuously frustrated. Why she still feels like she has to do it all. I'm like, that must be what you're committed to. Right. And so you asked me earlier, what are some of the repeated pitfalls I see happening for when entrepreneurs come to work on themselves? And I think, you know, look whether I believe we are who we are everywhere. So whatever the repeats and pitfalls are that happen in our business, I think they happen for us out in relationship. They happen for us out in the.

World, how we do everything. That concept. Yeah.

And so transformation doesn't get pigeonholed to one area of our life. The only place it gets to get pigeonholed is in me. Right. Because I'm the context for all of what gets sprouted in my life. But I am 10 times more successful in my business since I have done personal transformational work and I've not stopped. I have my own coaches. I love the work, and I learn every day. And keeping those muscles strong of not only watching this restructural shifts that happen for me, but keeping the muscles strong that I operate from there has been critical for me in my life.

I imagine all of the best coaches, mentors, consultants, anybody. The one big hallmark of all of them is, myself included, because I have coaching and consulting clients, is that we're always learning and we're always trying to keep our edges sharp. People like us never feel like, oh, hey, we're good. I've made it to the top. I'm perfect. We always are doing that. So that's awesome. You mentioned the experiential stuff, and I kind of want to go into that. So take me through. Well, first of all, you work with clients both in person, I imagine, like, right. I see the couch back there. I don't know if that's where they lay. But you also work with people over the phone or video or something like this. Right. So you have probably, you know, clients. I mean, Jim lives in Dallas, you're in Boca. Right?

Right.

So tell me about what you mean for folks who might not quite get this, you know, you help them change experientially, even if you're not there. So maybe an example of an exercise or a description of something that you might do to help folks out like that.

Sure. Well, you know, if you came to me and said, lori, here are the things I'm dealing with in my life, X, Y and Z, and I'd find out what you're committed to for your life and find out where those pitfalls are happening. The stretches get created out of what you bring to the table. And when I say stretches, meaning you take what you learn and it's about creating. Now, before we get off the phone, you're going to create experiences that you are going to go do in your life in order for you to have the very breakthrough that you need. So we don't just talk about it. Like one of my clients, he's out in the UK and he was talking about his frustration with what was going on with his staff in his business. And we talked a lot about how he did relationship and of course he then bled that over into how he does relationship with his wife. And so of course the same thing showed up there. And so before he got off the phone, he had four things he had created for himself that was about him standing in his power, having breakthroughs and he was like nauseous over having to go do this. Because for you and I, that might not be terribly vulnerable or anxiety provoking, but for him it was huge. And so transformation work, the breakthrough can only happen by having an experience. Now I want to be clear about something. So although I coach that way, we do a live workshop weekend that I'll tell you, nothing replaces that weekend.

Right. That's what Jim did. And I know he's doing phone coaching with you now and he was like, oh my God.

Yeah, now he's had, I, you know, he's having a lot of breakthroughs. Because of where we coach from in transformation is very different than where the average coach. Coaches from most coaching programs are about developing goals and having accountability. Right. Our program is much, much deeper than that. It's about you looking at the context you live out of. You're the environment. Right. Like I use the example of when I say context versus content, you know, ferns don't grow in the desert. The desert is not a context for ferns to grow.

Okay.

And so I think a lot of personal development programs, motivational programs, all the strategy programs are all content type programs.

Yeah.

Our transformational work is the context program. It's about you looking at the environment that you are so that everything you say you want can grow out of it and you lead the most fulfilling life possible.

Yeah, that's really powerful. And that's like going back to, like we said, the experiential thing. I can see how it's one thing when you just logically understand it. And it's another thing, even if it's a small, small thing, when you go do it and you experience that and experience it with every cell and fiber of your body, and then it just automatically chain reactions and you start to feel different. Do you find that. So a few of the big things that I've gotten, both for myself personally, being transparent, but also working with other entrepreneurs, both who are. I mean, all I hang out with are entrepreneurs. There's very few people who are not responsible for themselves. So it's really interesting. But actually, two points I want to go. I don't want to forget them. So I'm just jotting my notes down right here. So one of the points being that. And that's okay. So the second one's longer. Let me get to the first one. Do you find that the people who seek out your help and your coaching, that they're typically already pretty successful and they're the types who like, hey, I've achieved this level of success. They're something. Now I want to break through to the next level. Or is it people who have the much bigger dreams, but they're. Let's just say they're. It may be both, but, like really struggling. They're working in a cubicle. They want to get out. They haven't done a whole lot of change work and now they're ready because they're starting here and they want to get here, or the people who are already here and they want to get here. Does this make sense?

Sure. I'll answer a question. Today in my entrepreneurial life, the demographic that tends to float into my space are people like you and I, people who are very successful. They've achieved quite a bit. And they want to take themselves from where they are to where they can't even see might be possible. And they've usually heard about it from a friend or. Right. And you know, in our circle of influence, we tend to. If I've referred you, someone that I trust, you're going to go, okay, well, if you. If you trust her, then I'm going to. Right. So that's my demographic. You know, here and there, we end up with people who are on that other spectrum. Of I'm just wanting to create that dream life and I'm wanting to create my vision for my life. And I think I want to be an entrepreneur. And they might be in our program, we've got a few right now, but.

Then they go read a book about it instead of actually investing time.

No, no, actually, you know, by the time someone gets to us, you know, their transformation work is pretty powerful.

Yeah.

And so who wouldn't want to be a butterfly if you're walking on the ground like a caterpillar and you've got the opportunity to be a butterfly?

Well, and it's because it is kind of a shame that if, like, there's so many more people who are just struggling, you know, entrepreneurs and people who are have success. I mean, it's just kind of the law of nature. It's, you know, we're, you know, we're a smaller percentage of the population. But the change work that you do and that you bring, if more people had access to it, if more people really kind of understood and sought that out, you know, instead of investing in, you know, little bitty skill sets or whatever, it's like, yeah, start the change, work early. Because it makes all gathering the skill sets, it makes doing everything else so much easier when you kind of start from that top down.

Well, sure. I mean, think about how big this conversation is. I'm talking about if worldwide, and this is how big I think about my vision. Like I imagine sometimes, just for a moment, if worldwide, everyone lived from being responsible. And that's just one of our distinctions. The rest are huge. Fact versus interpretation. Being outward focused and in service to other relationships. Commitment driven versus circumstance driven. Like I drive my life by my vision and not my feelings and my judgments. Those are some of the big distinctions we work from. But imagine the whole world operated from there. There wouldn't be war in the world. There wouldn't be poor people living on the street and kids starving. And I don't want to do the, you know, world peace thing here, but really it could be that big if that. If we could really spread it to living from a responsible place and all of us operating to our highest potential.

Right. And it is such a vital part of the, you know, just the human journey, not only the entrepreneurial journey. So speaking more about the entrepreneurial journey, because that's who listens to my show and for selfish reasons as well. So some of the biggest issues that I see and I feel is the fear of inadequacy in jobs. Like, I see a lot of People feel, and I felt like this too, like, man, somebody's going to find out I'm not as good as this as I'm portraying. Because a lot of times to be successful you have to act. A lot of folks have heard act as if we have to portray, whether it's the car we drive or the way we talk to people. And we're sometimes trying to fool ourselves and we fool others. There's a lot of people at, what is it, the Peter Principle or something? You rise to the point of top.

Five people you hang out with.

Yeah. Or something like that. So I sense the fear of inadequacy. I sense the, obviously the fears of failure, the fears of being judged too much. Are there any other big fears that you see that folks are facing that like, man, I get this all the time. And you kind of laugh, not laugh, but smile inside going, I got you. You're not alone.

Right. I think there's two main fears and everything else is born out of them. Fear of not being enough and fear of being abandoned. And I think everything else is born out of those two in some form or fashion, just dressed up. I think that's human being.

Right. So I know, like, for instance, for me, transparently, one of my biggest, I guess, fears of that inadequacy and it's maybe a little bit different, but it's one of those surface things that I feel constantly is that fear of not living up to my potential or what I should be able to do. Like I'll say, look, I feel as though I deserve or that I should be able to do this and I'm just not utilizing my talents, I'm not utilizing my skills, I'm wasting my time floundering around and I'm not doing what I should. Other people may be looking at me saying, man, you're so successful, you're doing all this great stuff. But I look at myself like, no, I'm not living up to my potential. And it's a, it can be a kind of a one of those crushing non stop things at the same time. And I think a lot of entrepreneurs would agree it drives you forward. So it's that fear that kind of fuels like, I'm not living up to my potential. I need to take the next step, I need to do more. So how do you reconcile those, you know, the fear and the fuels you versus the fear that crushes you? Is there a.

Well, I think that again, we're talking about a contextual, a big contextual conversation here, which is in the world of transformation, you're coached to, yeah, our fears come up. But when you're reaching for something, like, I'm not sure if you have children, but for all entrepreneurs out there who have kids, for example, this is probably the best analogy I can use in this moment is when you've got something that matters so much to you and it's so big that you're willing to walk through fire for it. Then when those fears come up, you hear them, but you're like, yeah, I'm going after that. Right. So, like, for example, when we've got a kid, I don't know if you guys see the commercial with the dad who goes into the room and he's like, listen, I'm going to take the day off tomorrow. And he's talking to his kid and. And they make the joke about there are no days off. As a parent, Right. And so you do it in spite of how you feel. And that's commitment. It's when the mood is gone, you're committed. Right. Those of us who are in successful marriages, I would say, live out of those powerful places that make us a context for marriage. So when that stuff comes up, what I would say, if that's driving you, and I would even say that if that's the gas in your car, at some point, some point it's going to catch up with you and it's going to wear you down because you're giving away your piece.

Yeah.

Right. And so it's, it's. Yes, your car needs gas, but it doesn't need the gas of the. I'm not good enough gas.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that. Because that's the stress that I feel, I was like, okay, yeah, it always makes me move forward, but at the same time, it's not a gas that feels good. It's not that gas that. Where you enjoy the drive.

Right. Eventually it's going to break the car down. Which is why having a life where you're vision driven, right? Where you are looking at all areas of your life and thinking, if I have my life operating at a level that I dream would be the most fulfilling for me. Right. What would my business look like? What would my level of success in my relationships look like? What would my. Whatever is important to you. We take people through that. But the vision for yourself has got to be so big. And we take people through. Why is that important? Like, why do you do what you do for a living and why is it important to you? Like, who cares? And for me, I come back to, you know, we all want to matter, and we all want to do something that we feel like we leave our legacy or we make a difference or we feel significant or whatever that stuff is. And so when you know what your why is, it runs through the theme of everything you do. So when your voices in your head start gnawing at you, you don't attach to them and give them so much power because you're operating from a whole different place right now.

Do you find that with people that. That is a bigger challenge than they think? Because a lot of times you say, oh, what's your vision for your life? And on a surface level, if you don't really think about it, sounds like, oh, that should be easy to think of. I know personally, for me, once more transparently, that has been one of my biggest frustrations, is coming up with a good vision for my life. Because in general, I operate, I feel as though there's almost two types of people. People who are really that end result, goal focused, like, that's where I want to be, and people who adjust really well in the stream of life. Like, I want to enjoy the journey, I want to enjoy the stream, and as long as things are good. So I'm kind of the latter person. It's really hard for me to create those really distant goals versus wanting to be happy in the stream. If you. It makes sense to me. I don't know if it makes sense to you, but it makes it hard to go. That's where I want to be, like, right there. And I don't know if. But that made it hard to create a big overriding vision for what I want.

Well, I'm sorry, Dylan.

I was just gonna say there might be other people like that. I know I've talked to some other people where they're like, man, I just want to just live every day happy and make money and be with people I like. The problem is sometimes that vision isn't strong enough to drive you through the challenges.

Yeah, I mean, vision is different for everyone. I mean, for some people we talk to, being the best mom or dad they can be is their vision. And being the best role model. I talk to some entrepreneurs that they go, listen, I didn't have a lot of freedom in my life, and I'm being this most successful entrepreneur I can be because I want my kids to know that they can. Right. And whatever that is. And we. So we help people dwindle it down. And it's so connected to who you are and where you come from in life, because we all have that. And so when you do my program, Brad, we'll take you there, too. And so you'll be able to touch. It doesn't have to be some big, profound vision like, I'm going to create world peace for you. Your vision just has to matter to you, and it has to be heartfelt and powerful, and that looks different for everybody. But once you have it and it's the theme underneath everything that you say you want, then it drives why you get up in the morning.

Yeah, you're absolutely right. You brought up something. I didn't want to let this go, so I just read this story. The book, I think, is called I'll have to look it up, like the Power of Story or something about your story. And the author was saying that he uses. He does this example when he leads these workshops or seminars. So let's say he's at a hotel, and I'll just kind of paraphrase it, but he'll say, all right, guys, we're about to get started, and blah, blah, blah. Now, one of the things we're, you know, this is totally voluntary. We're all going to do is, you know, up on the roof or whatever. I think he was using the example, like, there's two towers there. You know, I don't know. It's a hotel building, but, you know, there's a plank that goes across it. And anybody who wants to walk across, almost like Tony Robbins has people walk across fire. If you walk across it, there's a monetary reward. Now, it's about 10ft long, maybe about 12 inches wide or 20ft long, 12 inches wide, and it goes across. And we're 20 stories up. Now, the good news is it's not that windy outside, but it's a little bit. But if you're able to walk across, I mean, you guys should be able to do it 12ft wide and 20ft across, but 10 stories up, you know, you're going to get $100,000. I've got a check. He'll pull out a check for, like, $100,000, who will do it? And I may be wrong on how long and wide it is, but it sounds like, oh, hell, no. And he says, and I ask these people, who's willing to do it, raise your hands for $100,000. And, like, no hands go up because it's like, money's not. No, I'm not going to do that. That's crazy. He goes, all right. He adds another zero to the check. He says, and it's like, now it's A million dollars. Who's going to walk across that? And a few people are kind of like, maybe. I don't know. He's like, well, come on, let's go. Let's go do it. Now. This doesn't exist. But he says, okay, so none of you will do this even for a million dollars. We'll walk across this beam. Now, I want you to imagine that your family's on the other side and they're in danger, and if you don't get to them, they'll die. Who wouldn't walk across? Right. So all hands go up. And that was kind of a cool, profound thing. I, like, I remember that. Like, that's a really neat visualization. And I've used that in a couple of things that I was recently kind of trying to do, because like you said, that's that if it's. If it matters that much and if it's that important, and if you can say, no, my family depends on me doing this, walking across this plank, I'll do it. And it actually did. It got me up and doing what I was doing.

Right. And I love that you bring up that example, because one of the things we do in the world of transformation is we have people look at their core values and then we have them water down. And it's actually. It's agonizing for some people because we say to them, out of this huge list of values, you've got to water them down to 10 and then prioritize them. And I want you to put them in order. That means, like, when you get to, like, love and family, you have to choose. And if you had to choose, which would you choose? Right. As you can imagine, the ones where we all get stuck. And you need to choose one as your senior commitment that regardless of where you are, it will pull you forward whenever you've got a decision to make in your life. And so those are some of the places we start with to really help people get clear about what drives me, what are my core values and my senior commitment that drive my life? And family, of course, is one for a lot of us.

Yeah. And I've even seen something similar to that. One of my mentors, but also business partners, Kent, who you'll meet at the boardroom, he's drawn this on the board. I forget exactly what. I think I'm missing one. But he'll draw a grid, like four boxes, and he says, one represents your money, one represents your family, one represents your health, and then another one may be your family. I think kind of Falls in. I think there's like, health, wealth, relationships, and there's one other kind of big, big one. And he goes, if I told you you have to give up one of those boxes and never get it back, what would it. Well, not never get it back, but if you had to give up one of those boxes today, what would it be? And money is always the one that gets sacrificed. Not health, not wealth. I mean, not relationships, not the love, not your children or whatever. But it's the one thing that we believe drives all of us. I want to make so much money. I want success. But you mentioned this before. Significance. I know. I've thought about this. Like, would I rather be significantly successful or successfully significant in my life? And the significance is the driver, as I think it is for a lot of entrepreneurs and a lot of high performers.

Sure.

So the work you do, you know, we're coming up. We've been chatting now for about 15, 50 minutes and talking about some really cool stuff. And I know that, like, I myself, Jim's getting a virtual high five from me and Al for introducing us. And hopefully a lot of people are getting a lot from this talk and kind of realizing that there's more to it. So explain the way that you. I mean, you talked about this a little bit. But if somebody's out there facing uncertainty in their life, whether it's. I'll try to put some thoughts in it. Their brain. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing right now. I may be thinking about starting a new business, branching out, quitting my job. Do I have what it takes? I know most of it because I've done. I've been there. Most of them are probably thinking, do I have the skill sets necessary if they want to start an online marketing business? Do I know how to build a webpage? Do I know how to write sales copy? Do I have all these little. These little skill sets? And then do I have enough money in the bank to get me over the rough parts? Most of the time, that's what we're thinking. We don't think, am I being the right person? Am I thinking at the highest level? Or for the entrepreneurs who are thinking, man, I've made success and I'm working my butt off, and I don't see the light, and I did not get into business for this, and I'm not happy, and my life is falling apart, my health is falling apart, and if I can just get somebody to get me unstuck, stuck, now's the time where I want you to talk directly to them. How is it that working with somebody like yourself can really help and not somebody like yourself? How is it working with Dr. Lori Emery can really help?

Sure. I think that regardless of where we are, those of us who are entrepreneurs and for your listeners who are listening, that we all have those areas in ourselves that we know because they gnaw at us every day. And the story might change and shift a little bit differently. But for anyone who wants to clean out those places that get in their way, that cause breakdowns, or that just hinder them from reaching their level of potential and success, that's possible in whatever way that looks for anyone. But for them to be able to start from the roots of the tree here and take a look at. Right. What is the context I'm living out of? And how do I make me the most fertile soil possible to really be able to grow a tree that gives me the results that are so fulfilling to me that when I get to the end of my life, I go, that was a life of no regrets. Then our work is for you.

Nice. That's. That's fantastic. And I cannot, you know, I can't tell you how much that, you know, working on. Working on myself and really taking the time to examine and be honest with myself that, hey, I'm really bad at this. This really is my sticking point because I see a lot of people, they don't want to know. Like, they almost don't want to face their fears, and they don't want to face the things that they're bad at. You probably see this, like, people who come in with their shield up and, like, I don't want to deal with my shit. Right. Well.

And I don't know about bad at. I guess what I would. You know, here's one of the things I love to use. Use in my marketing as I talk about is, you know, we get into our life and all of a sudden we feel like we're not the driver anymore. Yeah, right. And how do we put ourselves back in the driver's example, by the way?

I love that.

So that. Thank you. So that we feel like we are driving the bus and creating all of the results that we say that we want.

And I think the more successful you get, I can see that being a bigger problem because although you get really successful, you can get money and you believe you should be able to get time, freedom, but now you have more responsibilities, and now life is driving you. Like, what did I work so hard to get all this stuff for? And all I'm doing is putting out fires and helping other people. And then I've got these problems and those problems. So these are things that you deal with all the time, I'm sure.

Right, sure.

That's great. So a, I can't wait for hopefully people reach out to you and right now, where can people go to get more information on you?

So you just said the word hopefully and that's a big word that we don't use in the world of transformation.

By the way, it's so funny when I say that because it presupposes failure, right? Yeah.

So when people call me, they can reach me or text me or email me. They can reach me in several different ways@the buildyourlifebydesign.com website. You can contact us right there. And another way is people, our number is right there on our website. So people can call our center and. Or they can email me directly at Doctoremery. D R E m e r yildyourlifebydesign.com that's great.

So explain briefly the process by which people go. So Joe Schmo calls in and says, hey, I listened to you on bacon wrap business and it was awesome. What's the process here? So do they schedule a session with you? Do they just fill out something online? What can they expect?

Usually they'll do a consult with me first so I can take a look at what they're asking for. Because at build you'd life as a center, we have many different programs. Our signature program is our transformation and business program. Some people jump right into the live workshop. Some people like to get their feet wet by doing the online version with us, which is our. We have a six week part one and a six week part two. And so we make sure that people are a good fit for those programs. There are some people who come in, want to do transformation work individually on themselves and do more what we call healing work. And so they, they'll go into different programs of ours. But our signature training is our transformation in business. So to answer your question is they'll spend some time on the phone with me as a consult unless they come in knowing exactly what they want. And then we just. My assistant Molly will register them.

Nice. Okay, perfect. So I like to ask that because some people don't really know what they're going to get. So it's nice to kind of just lay the pavement out. You don't seem like you guys are hard selling transformation. This is where people find you when it's right for them.

Yeah. And those who come and they know that they want it can register right online. They don't even have to call us.

That's great. So I want to take the last few minutes that we have and I kind of want to turn the table and I like to do this with all my guests and just say, what are the areas in your business? Because this is a business show that you are looking to either improve. What's a nut? Maybe you're looking to crack. Maybe it's in your marketing, maybe it's how do I get my message out? Because I can tell that you come from a very heart centered place. Like, I want people to experience transformation like I have and my clients have. What has been the biggest challenge? Is it whether it's, whether it's convincing people that you're the answer or that they need it, I don't really know. What have you found keeping yourself up at night when it comes to your business or your marketing?

Yeah, you know, this is a whole new world for me. In the last couple of years of going out into the sales and marketing world, I used to sit in my office as a mental health professional and have one person after the other come sit with me. So I was pretty safe in my little box. And so now out there, as I think a lot of entrepreneurs can understand, for me it is. I am so passionate about what transformation will bring to anyone's life. I am so passionate, especially entrepreneurs who already think the way they think and are committed to life the way that they are. And so it's frustrating for me right now to think, how do I get my message out there when I'm not the one speaking? Right. It's on a widescreen computer and they're reading something and how do I turn that into people being as excited about the work as it really is? I wish everyone could understand what Jim now understands experientially.

Right. Yeah, that's the hardest part. How do I get you from caterpillar to butterfly?

I'm going to videotape Jim and just send his messages out there.

Exactly. I think it'll.

I think it'll work well, thankfully all my students.

Has most of your business come from referrals then? Has it come from word of mouth and people who've been successful or have you done much? You know, a lot of marketing.

A lot. A lot of my business comes from word of mouth and referrals. And then, you know, I've recently joined up with others who are in the sales and marketing world. So they've brought me in to do programs for them.

No, that's great. Yeah, absolutely. And that's, you know. And you're going to be joining us at the boardroom Mastermind. I am my mastermind here in Dallas. I'm really looking forward to actually meeting you in person and all that. And we can actually dive away into that, all the business questions at the boardroom and really look forward to sharing your wisdom with all the other members. And hopefully you can get. Damn it, there's that word again. And I know you're going to get a lot of great insights there as well. That's really there to foster so kind of towards my listeners right now. I really want you to take a moment and see if this resonates with you. If some of the transparency that I've demonstrated and the fears and whatnot that I go through make you go, man, I'm not alone. Other people feel like that even if they're more or less successful than me, then pay attention to that feeling. Feeling and say, is there maybe something that's sticking me that I'm or keeping me stuck that I'm not addressing? And maybe there is somebody out there who can help unstick me and show you the way. Because the one thing that I've definitely attributed to one of the big things of my success is not being afraid to face my shit and go out there and figure it out. Because otherwise you're just piling on more stuff and it just gets messier and messier. The more successful you get. Sometimes the messier it can get. And some of the work and the personal work that I have done have made me just enjoy life even more. Even if I'm not excelling, if I'm not having financial success or whatever, I'm able to adjust and deal with the bad times a lot easier because I've got the resources needed to do that in the context. Ability to reframe situations. That's why I felt really strongly about. And I was really excited about bringing you, Dr. Emery, on the show today because it's such a critical part of anybody's success, not just as an entrepreneur, but as a human being. I mentioned that earlier, but I encourage every person to check out. Build you'd life by design. If this is right for you, you'll know it. There's no convincing you if it's. If it's not right for you, you won't know it either. That's probably the good part. There's probably not a whole lot of maybes you get. That's either a Nope, I don't want it. Or man, I need this stuff. Help me out. So if you're in the other group, check out Dr. Emery's website and if you have any questions at all, if you have any insights, if you just want to thank me, if you want to yell at me, tell me I'm wrong and I'm an idiot and I don't know anything about business life or whatever, hey, you can email me@ask BradakenWrappedBusiness.com if you have any marketing or business strategies you'd like to see me cover. I am happy to jump onto those. If there are any guests that you think that would be tremendous assets to the listeners, maybe it's yourself. Once more, ask Brad at baconwrapped Business. And if you're listening to this or watching this on YouTube and you would like to get updated every single time I release an episode, you can subscribe either to my YouTube channel, but more important importantly to the itunes channel. You can get there by just going to baconwrapbusiness.com iTunes hit the subscribe button and then immediately after click the review button and then leave me a great review. It lets me know what you think once more. Dr. Henry, I really appreciate your time on this and sharing some of your wisdom. I can't wait to share it with Jim and share it with the rest of the world listening to Bacon Wrap business and I look forward to seeing you so much for having me. See you next week.

See you next week.

Absolutely.