Brendan KaneHook Point · Your AI Content Coach

Here’s how you know someone is using you

8 Sept 2026 · 1 min

Watch on YouTube

1:05

In this YouTube monologue, Brendan Kane explains how to recognize when a relationship is based on utility rather than genuine care. He opens with Aristotle’s concept of the “friendship of utility,” warning that such ties are built on exchange and constant bargaining. Kane then lists concrete signs of a transactional relationship: people who keep score of favors, remind you of past help, are warm only when they need something, go cold when you need support, dominate conversations with their own needs, and disappear once you’re no longer useful. He contrasts this with authentic relationships that value a person’s presence and can survive a simple “no.” The core message is that a true friend cares about you, while a user cares only about your usefulness.

Chapters

Here's how you know someone is using you— like they'll do anything to take advantage of you. Aristotle said, the friendship of utility is full of complaints, for as they use each other for their own interests, they always want to get the better of the bargain. And he was basically warning that some relationships are built on exchange, not loyalty. Once someone starts viewing you as a resource, every interaction becomes a negotiation. They keep score. They remind you of every favor, They become warm when they need something, but they go cold when you need something. You give them your time, your energy, your support, your attention, but it's never convenient for them to give it back. They pretty much never ask how you're doing. Every conversation is about them, their problems, their plans, or their needs. And as soon as you stop being useful, they disappear. A real relationship can survive the word no. A transactional relationship turns bitter the moment the it stops being one-sided. Someone who cares about you values your presence. Someone who is using you values your usefulness.