Brian Tracy shares three ways to listen better: pause 3-5 seconds before responding, ask clarifying questions like "How do you mean?", and paraphrase what someone said back to them. Attentive listening builds trust and raises others' self-esteem.
Do you know the one key to becoming a great conversationalist? The key is to pause before replying. A short pause of three to five seconds after a person stops talking is a very classy thing to do in a conversation. When you pause, you accomplish three goals simultaneously. First, you avoid running the risk of interrupting if the other person is just catching his or her breath before continuing. The second benefit is that you show the other person that you are giving careful consideration to his or her words by not jumping in with your own comments at the earliest opportunity. The third benefit of pausing in conversation is that you will actually hear the other person better. His or her words will soak into a deeper level of your mind and you will understand what he or she is really saying with greater clarity. By pausing, you mark yourself as a brilliant conversationalist. Another way to become a great conversationalist is to question. For clarification, never assume that you understand what the other person is saying or trying to say. Instead, if you have any doubt at all, ask how do you mean? Or how do you mean exactly? And then just pause and wait. This is the most powerful question I've ever learned for guiding and controlling a conversation. It's almost impossible not to answer this question when you ask how do you mean? The other person cannot stop himself or herself from from answering more extensively. You can then follow up with other open ended questions and keep the conversation rolling along. The third way to become a great conversationalist is for you to paraphrase the speaker's words in your own words. So after you've nodded and smiled, you can then say, well, let me see if I got this right or Let me see if I understand you exactly. What you're saying is this. And then you repeat it back in your own words. By paraphrasing the speaker's words, you demonstrate in no uncertain terms that you are genuinely paying attention and making every effort to understand his or her thoughts or feelings. And the wonderful thing is, when you practice effective listening, other people will begin to find you fascinating. They will want to be around you. They will feel relaxed and happy in your presence because when you listen to other people, you make them feel important. The reason why listening is such a powerful tool in developing the art and skill of conversation is because listening builds trust. The more you listen to another person, the more he or she trusts you and believes in you. Listening also builds self esteem. When you listen attentively to another person, his or her self esteem will naturally increase. He or she will feel better about themselves. He or she will feel more valuable and more respected. Finally, listening builds self esteem in the listener. Because your mind can process words at 500 to 600 words per minute and we can only talk at about 150 words per minute, it takes real effort to keep your attention focused on another person's words. If you do not practice self discipline in conversation, your mind will wander in a hundred different directions. The more you work at paying close attention to what the other person is saying, the more self disciplined you will become. In other words, by learning to listen well, you actually develop your own character and your own personality.
