I Feel Like The Fat Kid: How Our Deepest Fears Hold Us Back

Hello, capitalists. Welcome back to the podcast. I'm so excited to be with you today. So ready for today because we're gonna go into some stuff today. I hope you're ready. I'm gonna get myself in trouble today. I'm gonna be hearing from some upset listeners and social media followers today because we're gonna talk about some stuff. We're gonna talk about some stuff and you're not gonna like some of it. And I'm so excited to talk to you about it today.

I hope you're doing well. I just came back from a vacation seeing some friends in Vail, Colorado. One of my friends bought a house out there a couple years ago and I try to visit her once a year when she's out there. And there's a small group of us that are good friends. All at least are in Austin, Texas part of the year. And we've developed a really deep friendship and a very supportive, loving friendship. They were my quarantine buddies when, when the world shut down. They were my core group of friends that we kind of agreed we would, we'd only see each other, you know, when, when, when everybody was really cooped up. They were the friends that we kind of, you know, agreed to have a pod. We'll only see each other. And so we've kind of been through some time together and this was maybe, I think this was our first time celebrating outside of, you know, in a post Covid ish world, in a world where we're mostly back to normal. So I'm feeling really fresh and rejuvenated from that trip. But, but some things happened on that trip that were beautiful experiences, difficult experiences for me, but beautiful experiences. And they're experiences that I want to share with you because as a result of talking about them, I think you're going to discover some things that are holding you back because I saw some things in myself that were holding me back. And I hope that by listening to this, you. You become a little bit aware of some things going on that are restricting you from accomplishing everything that you want to accomplish. You see, my friends.

We talk business, but for the most part, we're friends. We're homies, all four of us. And the thing is that I have the smallest business of the four of us. And of course, all businesses cycle. They go up and down. There have been times that my businesses were larger than my peers, but right now, their businesses far surpass mine. And I have a story in my head, ladies and gentlemen. It's a story that I don't talk about much and I'm trying to get better about sharing some of the inner dialogue that happens during my journey so that you can see you're not the only one who has it. But one of the stories or the fears that I've had in the past, it's a little bit quieter now, but I sold my biggest business, my most successful business for an eight figure payday back in 2017. Maybe it was 2006, I think it was 2017. We sold in 2017 and that was a huge win for me. And it was kind of industry changing at the time because no one else was selling businesses for that amount of money at the time, or at least only a few had. And, and I was really cool back then. And I have a little bit of a story in my brain of I haven't repeated that success. What if I never repeat that success? What if it was a fluke? What if it was, what if I'm not that good? What if it was all my partner? What if it, what if I'm getting old? What if I'm washed up now? What if those. When I, when I feel scarce or when I feel afraid or when I feel down on myself, that is often the train of thought that comes up for me. I'll never have that success success again. I'll never repeat that now. I have other businesses, I have two that are seven figure businesses. But I haven't had an eight figure business since my last one, at least not yet. And, and, and I, I will submit to you, it is the story in my brain, it is the fear in my brain that it won't happen that actually keeps it from not happening.

And that's what I want to talk to you about today. Because as I was sitting there with my friends in Vail having a wonderful time, there were times that that fear would come up for me. You see, there were, we had lots of great dinners and we went for long hikes and this was I think the longest trip I've taken with, without my kids because it was five days. So we had lots of time to connect. But there were times that I couldn't relate to the conversations being had when business came up. And there were conversations about going from 30 employees to 40 employees or, or growing beyond 50 employees. I have a team of seven. It's not that I'm not interested in this conversation. I just don't have much to contribute to that conversation. There's nothing wrong with that. I just don't have a whole lot to add to that or one of my friends is in the process of buying what I think is their fifth house, fifth beautiful house, and the fifth beautiful city in the country. I have two homes, and it's a lot.

They're both in Austin. Driving back and forth between two houses, both with beautiful views that you stop noticing after a while. Like, I mean, they're expensive. It's expensive. Keeping two beautiful homes, having five. Sounds kind of exhausting, doesn't it? Or them talking about flying private regularly. I've flown private. Don't do it regularly. You know, I don't do it for a quick trip. You know, I usually fly coach. Southwest and JetBlue are my favorite airlines. So these were just pieces of the conversation that I couldn't quite relate to, I couldn't quite contribute to. Again, nothing wrong with that. Nothing. Nothing bad about that. None of them were being hard on me. We tease each other sometimes, but they weren't being hard on me. They love me, they root for me, they support me. I can go to them for anything. But sometimes this little voice would come up in my brain and it would remind me that I don't fit in right now.

Now, that thought, I don't fit in is kind of a neutral thought, right? I mean, none of us fit in all the time. None of us want to fit in all the time. Have you ever hung out with people who are exactly like you for a little bit too long? Have you ever dated somebody who was a little bit too, like, too much like you? We get bored. We get annoyed. We get. We get so bored hanging out with the same people all the time. We just make stuff up to fight about. We crave some variety, right? We don't all want to fit in perfectly. There's nothing wrong with not fitting in perfectly all the time. And heck, I pay to not fit in. The first mastermind I ever joined, I was 21 years old. I joined the first ever war room with Ryan Deiss. I was joining a room of people that I knew I wouldn't fit in with. I didn't want to fit in. I wanted them to be way far ahead of me. I wanted to grow. I pay to not fit in. I go to Burning man where people wear the most ridiculous outfits. I don't fit in because I'm wearing normal clothes. I mean, we love to not fit in sometimes.

And so that thought is a neutral thought. I don't fit in. And a lot of the times when we were having these conversations, I would lean into them and I would. And I would get curious and I would Think I'm so excited to fly private someday. I'm so excited to have an eight figure business again. I'm so excited to have a nine figure business again. I'm so excited to have those kind of profit margins. I'd be so excited to buy that car and not think anything of it. Right these. Most of the time, that was the dialogue. I was enjoying not fitting in. I was enjoying being uncomfortable. I was enjoying having some of that come up and be reminded of what was possible. But then other times, I would judge myself for it and that critical voice would come to light that would say, you're never gonna have that business again. You're not really that good. You're never gonna have that big victory again. Remember that one failure two and a half years ago? Remember that investment that you made? Remember that employee? Remember that. Remember that launch you did. Remember that offer? You did. Remember that one YouTube video that that guy said that thing about? And the brain just goes on and on. Coming up with reasons why I should feel shame about not fitting in. I'm in a room with people who have businesses that are quite literally 10 times the size of my business and that voice comes up and says, you're not good enough to get there. You'll never be good enough to get there. And instead of feeling excited about not fitting in, I start to feel shame about not fitting in. Same situation, I'm in a room with my friends. My friends who love me are ahead of me in business, at least in terms of ego metrics like revenue and profit. And that's all great. I get to learn and grow and we get to share and support each other. Same situation, different perspective of shaming and judging and condemning myself and doubting myself. And it was interesting for me because I felt myself teeter on both sides, sometimes in the same day or the same conversation. Sometimes I would catch myself feeling, feeling the shame of it and need to remove myself or kind of catch it and come back to reminding myself, this is great, I'm growing. And I even love that I'm starting to feel this self judgment come up because I can kind of allow myself to feel it. It means that there's some shame in there that wants to come out and be released. But my initial temptation, when I would feel that would be to run away, would be for me to just shut down, for me to get quiet, for me to not say anything, for me to feel bad about myself, for me to want to excuse myself from the table and go to my room, or for me to just be Alone or me to avoid, or me to judge me, to start to deflect me, to try to justify myself. It was very interesting for me to be able to see myself teeter in these two different perspectives, sometimes in the same conversation, and see how I reacted based on how I was perceiving the conversation.

But as a result of going through this.

What I experienced was some freedom from that critical voice in my head. Because I simply decided to allow that shame to come up, allow it to pass, allow myself to feel it. Because I want to have a business that prosperous. I want to accomplish all of those things. I want exactly what we're talking about. The difference in perception was whether or not I believed that I could have it.

The difference was not what we were talking about. The difference was not the conversation. It was simply whether or not I believed that I could have what it was that I desired. And sometimes I believe I can. And when I believe I can, I feel optimistic or I feel curiosity, I feel desire, I feel excitement for my friends. I feel proud of my friends for their accomplishments. I feel appreciation for, for being in the same room, being in the same network with them. I feel calm, I feel present, I feel bright, I feel fun, I feel like myself. And when I don't believe that I can have it, when I don't believe that I am good enough to accomplish that, when I don't believe that I will ever grow, that's when I feel shame or self condemnation or judgment or doubt. And all the things that make me want to protect myself or be alone. The interesting thing about that is those become self fulfilling prophecies. If I believe I can't have that accomplishment and I start to feel shame or I start to judge myself, my natural reaction is, is to wanna remove myself. If I remove myself, then I remove myself from the conversation. If I remove myself from the conversation, then I've isolated myself from my friends. If I isolate myself from my friends, then I'm not learning from them. I'm going back to a comfort zone. I'm going back to a peer group that makes me feel like I'm the leader or I'm an equal there. I never have my stuff come up around them. And now, now I never learn anything new because I don't need to learn anything new. And now of course, I never will have the business that I want. I never will have the accomplishments that I want.

If I stay in the room and I allow that shame to come up and I reframe that and I allow myself to see that it's coming up as evidence for the fact that I will have it. Because now the doubt is passing through. Now I stay there. I stay present. I learn, I connect. We grow, we talk.

We get ideas, we share.

And so shame is becoming my new favorite emotion. Because I'm starting to realize that shame is. Is a sign that I have something about myself that's ready to change or that wants to change. And if I allow myself to feel it, if I allow myself to process it, if I don't shun it and just let it come up, then there is another level beyond it. There's more in the tank beyond that. But what we tend to do instead is to protect ourselves from feeling it in the first place. I wrote an email to my list about this and I titled it I feel like the fat Kid. And I told the story about being in the room with my friends and I said, I feel like I'm the fat kid at the gym and everybody is fit but me. And I'm looking around and everybody knows how to use the machines and there's mirrors everywhere and I'm afraid to pick up the. The weights because I'm gonna do it wrong. And everybody is looking at me. And the thing that I want to do more than anything else in the world is just get the hell out of the gym. I just gotta get out of there because I have such shame about what I look like and feel like when I'm there. And I want to comfort myself with cupcakes and donuts and cookies. Which is exactly why I don't look the way I want to look in the first place. Right? That's how I. That's how I feel. I feel like the fat kid who, rather than feeling the shame, wants to soothe himself with cakes and cookies. But the best thing for that kid, the best thing for the overweight person at the gym is to just feel the shame and stay at the gym. The best thing for that overweight person is to do the exercise wrong. That is monumental progress than leaving the gym. Now, the truth is, that person is only shaming themselves. The shame is only coming from within. The truth is that there's probably 89 people in the gym who would be happy to help and would be really proud of that person for showing up. And there's probably people in there who are happy to help and happy to cheer that person on. I remember when I was running Sheer Strength with my partner Matt, we sometimes looked for overweight people to sponsor just cause we were like, we so wanted to root for them. Like we Wanted to give them free supplements and we wanted to brag about them on social media like that's transformation. Stories are the coolest stories. The people have come from the furthest place possible. Those are the ones that we admire the most. We love rags to riches stories. We love people who have lost over £100. We love people who have, who have overcome amazing obstacles. We love those stories. But yet, when we're the one with the obstacles, when we're the one with the hundred pounds, when we're the one with the rags, we often shield ourselves from the shame or from the negative emotion that is trying to come up and be released so that we can continue doing the actions that we need to take in order to get to the riches or in order to get down £100 or to meet the girl or to sing the song on stage or whatever it is that is on the other side of that negative emotion. The best thing for the fat kid is to stay at the gym and feel the shame. The best thing for me, who feels embarrassed to have the smallest business at the table is for me to stay at the table.

And the nightmare scenario in which all of my friends look at me and laugh, all my friends say, you big baby, why haven't you crossed 20 million yet? What are you waiting for? It's the best economy we've ever had. What's wrong with you? That nightmare scenario, even if that were to happen, me allowing myself to feel whatever shame would come from that and process through it, would free me of it and free me of whatever holds me back from having that business in the first place. I remember when I sold Sheer Strength and I had more money in the bank than I ever had. I hadn't made any investments yet and I didn't know what to do with it. And I wasn't sure what I was gonna do next. I remember that being such a hard time for me, which is such a first world problem. I know. I get it. I hear you. I hear you. Stop. I got.

Was a hard time for me because I didn't know what to do next. And I didn't know what to do next except that I just had this thought that whatever it is has to be bigger than what I did before so I better swing for the fences.

And in doing so I swung and miss at several pitches. I swung and miss. I tried to go. I tried to go big enough to justify the self doubt in myself that I still felt and in doing so perpetuated it because I had failures on the other end of those Failures was shame. And when you don't want to feel shame, you try to cover up the shame by swinging and missing at another pitch saying, well, if this one connects, then it will cover up all my shame and all of those errors. Have you ever done that? Stuck in a business, stuck in a relationship too long because you didn't want to feel the shame or the depression or the failure that was at the end of it. And so you just kept perpetuating it and burying it over and over again. Michael Singer wrote a great book called the Untethered Soul. I just read it for the third or fourth time. And in that book he talks about the thorn we all carry. We have a thorn in us that we haven't taken out. And the thorn we put a band aid over, but it swells. And as it swells, we get protective clothing to wear over it, but it continues to swell. So we put a bubble around us and eventually we can't leave our house. And we need to change the temperature of the air in order to prevent it from hurting our sore. And no one can come in anymore because they might hurt our thorn. When the only thing that we need to do is to just pull out the thorn. And the longer we wait, the harder it is. The longer we wait, the more it hurts. The longer we wait to just deal with the pain right now, the more it's going to bleed on its way out, the harder it's going to be to get out. And so most of us go through life to trying to defend ourselves against feeling what we don't wanna feel. And in doing so, we've built these protective layers over ourselves to not feel the shame, not feel the unworthiness, not feel the doubt, not feel the anxiety, not feel the depression. And we try to construct a world that insulates us from feeling that. And it is that insulation that prevents us from actually accomplishing what what it is that we want to accomplish. We can see this in just about all areas of life. We don't want to feel alone, so we get into very shallow relationships. We try to protect ourselves from ever being left so we never get close. We try to protect ourselves from ever losing money so we don't ever invest. We try to protect ourselves from not feeling like a failure, so we never start the business.

We try to avoid feeling conflict.

So we don't fire the employee.

And instead we just live in a low level sense of conflict for a long time. Instead we just deal with a low level amount of failure from for a long time a low level amount of doubt for a long time.

Most people are so afraid of feeling what they don't want to feel that we just construct a world around us that allows us to not feel it in the short term, but to perpetuate it in the long term. Now here's the hell of it all. After then, we start projecting.

We start projecting about the outside world, about why it makes us feel that way. So if we were to play the scenario out to an extreme about my visit in Colorado, if I don't want to feel the shame about my business being the smallest one in the room and I remove myself and I avoid those friends, I never see them again because I don't want to feel that shame. I then have broken the friendship. I've removed myself from them. And I would have to find. My brain would have to. In order to protect itself, in order to not feel shame, it would have to come up with a reason to blame them for why we were no longer friends. I would say something like, they were too busy. Work consumed them. They were so busy caught up in their stuff and in their money and their businesses, that they forgot about friendships. They say they left me, like all successful people do. I would point the finger at them and their stuff and their focus and their business as being the reason why we were no longer friends, when the truth is we weren't friends. Because I left the damn table because I didn't want to feel shame. This is why people don't like the rich. People don't like rich people because seeing rich people trigger something in themselves that is doubt, that is fear, that is shame. That is a reminder that they have held themselves back from accomplishing or pursuing everything that they wanted to do. That is what resentment is. That is why people don't like the rich. They don't like the famous. They don't like the beautiful. Because seeing them act in the way that they actually want to be reminds them that they're not. People resent Jeff Bezos because they want to be like Jeff Bezos. But their brain protects them and says, I don't like Jeff Bezos because Jeff Bezos is wasteful. Because Jeff Bezos puts other businesses out.

Because Jeff Bezos, he takes more than his fair share.

That's what the brain comes up with as a story in order to protect them from feeling what they're unwilling to feel. I'm going to go one level more controversial here and say that the things in our society that we currently have the most division over are another example of this. One of the things that Is our most heated discussion is race relations. And it's. And by the way, I am completely open to the fact that maybe I am projecting in this conversation, but it's been my observation that those who are the loudest about this topic, and I mean anti this topic, I mean the people who are pushing against trying to weed out the racists, trying to find and exterminate all of the racists in the world, get them out, cancel them. Those who are the loudest on that are actually afraid of their own internal judgment. Racism is a judgment about a person of a skin color, right? It is an assumption about a group of people based on their race. That's a judgment. A person who is racist has deep judgment. In the same way, those who are the loudest on this topic about drawing attention to racism in the world are those who have the deepest unresolved judgment. It is those who are now projecting that the world is divided into groups and there is one group out there that is trying to suppress or oppress every other group. Now, it doesn't need to be about race. It can be about political party, it can be about gender, it can be about social status, it can be about income level. It is a judgment about a group of people and making assumptions about that group of people. Those who have that the most unresolved are those who are the loudest in seeing it in other people.

So those who project it to the rest of the world draw attention to it in a way of saying, see everybody, look at this, look at how they are doing this. And in saying they are doing this, they have divided the world into groups and started judging them. Now, I also see this with those who are the loudest about being anti masks with COVID Now, I don't want to wear a mask. No one I know likes wearing masks. But those who are the most adamant about I will not wear a mask, I will not get a vaccine, I won't stay in my house, I won't listen to xyz. Right? Just the most adamant against anything that is going on in the world of COVID They will often say things like, don't live in fear, I won't live in fear, I won't wear a mask, I won't live in fear, I won't get a vaccine, I won't live in fear, I'm not going to quarantine, or whatever it is. They often have the deepest fear.

Now, it may not be fear about COVID it doesn't matter. Their fear is about being oppressed. Their fear is about being Silenced. Their fear is about being controlled. And so they project it and say, see all these people in the world who are living in fear, wearing masks, getting vaccines.

Voting for Biden.

Everybody is afraid but me. But the truth is you're projecting what is actually in you.

I do this too. Let's be fair. I do this too, where I often will feel like in arguments or debates. I love having spirited debates. I love having.

Honest conversations about very hard topics. It's actually something I want to do more on social media. I mean that genuinely. I feel uniquely qualified to have hard conversations in an honest and usually respectful manner. Something that's a deep desire and something I want to do more of. And yet I sometimes walk away from conversations feeling triggered and saying, that person just would not listen to me. That person just doesn't get it. That person just isn't trying to understand my point.

And when I say that, I always have to pause because I know that what that means is that I probably wasn't listening to them. I was so, so caught up in getting that person to hear me, getting that person to get it, helping that person understand what I know to be true, that I didn't listen to them at all. And so I will say that person just doesn't hear me. That person just doesn't get it. That is me projecting that I am completely closed off to hearing that person.

We all do this. It is a way for our brain to protect us from feeling negative emotion. The irony of this is, is that the more we do it, the more we bring to us. Why do people believe conspiracy theories? Why do people go down rabbit holes? Why do people join groups and and judge the others? Why do people.

Do very, very strange things when they start organizing in odd Facebook groups?

The reason is because.

The wound, the thorn, gets bigger and bigger and bigger and more painful to protect. And you project bigger and bigger and louder. And the solution is to just feel it and let it come up is to feel the shame, to deal with the loss, to take the L and dust yourself off and to keep going. Here's how you know that you have resolved something. Here's how you know that you have fully dealt with something. When you feel positive around the thing that you were resenting or said differently, you become for something, not anti something.

So when you look at Martin Luther King Jr. Martin Luther King was for something he was never against. He was for. When you see a successful friend and you root for them, you hope that they win. When you start becoming for your health rather than anti your fat, when you become for your own success, not anti your poverty or anti your failure. When you start thinking about what you want instead of what you don't want, that's when you know that you have fully resolved something. There is no more anti. There is no more thorn that is being protected. You're now free to pursue what it is that you want.

When one person overly judges the other political party, I know that they are anti something, right? They're not even for their own views and policies. They're just anti the other teams. It means they're projecting something. It means they have a wound that they have not resolved. When you stand anti something you are covering up for for a wound that you have not yet resolved.

And life is like a mirror. It keeps bringing us more and more evidence for us to observe what's going on with us. When you are anti racist, you begin to see more and more racism. You can't not see it. And by the way, for full disclosure, there's often good reason that someone starts with that seed. They were treated unfairly for something and so they become anti that and so they look for it and see it everywhere. Someone becomes anti inequality and so they start seeing inequality everywhere and they start judging and blaming rich people. People want to be anti government and so they see government everywhere and they judge it and they use it for its problems, right? I'd say that's in me. I'm very anti government. I would probably be much more persuasive if I was just pro freedom means I probably have something to still resolve there. And what's interesting, like this is now I'm just hanging out with you guys, right? But when Trump was president.

I defended a lot of his policies.

And I was labeled as like a total right wing Trumpian. And now that Biden's president, I have defended some of his policies, right? And to me I'm just defending like logical, reasonable things. I think.

I think George Bush did some good things and some bad things. I think Barack Obama did some good things and some bad things. I think President Trump did some good things and some bad things. I think President Biden did some good things and bad things, right? On and on and on. But when I would say that Trump did something good, I was labeled as a crazy Trump right winger. And when I say, oh, Biden did something good or, or Biden has these good qualities, I've had people on social media say, Ryan's gone full commie, Ryan's gone full Democrat, Ryan's gone full pro government.

And the reason for that Is because if someone is anti something, then they have to only gel with other people who are anti the same thing. They're unable to be pro what they really want because they have a thorn in the way that has not been resolved. And there's an unwillingness to feel the negative emotion that is allowing them to be free. This is why many people don't become successful. There's a shame, there is a fear of failure, there's a fear of loss, there is fear of judgment, there is self doubt that they haven't dealt with or are afraid to deal with. And so they build the protection around themselves in a way of. In a weird ironic way. We're literally afraid of feeling afraid. We're literally afraid of feeling the negative emotion.

That's the deepest fear, is the fear of feeling the negative emotion. And because we have that, we create these structures and these belief systems that protect us from ever having to feel it. But we can't become successful. We can't have the relationships we want, we can't have the body we want because we have these unresolved things. And life just keeps bringing them to you. And they get bigger and bigger and bigger until you either die or decide. It's now more painful for me to not resolve this than to finally feel what I don't want to feel. So what I have done with this is I have started paying attention to my negative emotions. When I feel triggered, when I feel shame, when I feel embarrassed, when I feel angry, when I feel nervous or afraid. It means that I am afraid to feel something right? And I'm likely to go to the fridge and soothe. That's my favorite drug is food. At least I can eat something while I'm feeling well. I'm doing this right or I will. I will isolate myself. I will become a loner. I won't make. I won't make social plans. I'll judge someone else. Like I'll judge my kid's mom or my parents or a co worker, right? I'll get angry at them.

And every time, only every time, if I'm aware enough and I pause, it's because of something going on in me. It's no one else's fault. And again, if you allow yourself to deal with it on the other side of it, you just become pro everything. You become pro other people being happy. You become pro people getting what they want. You become pro success, become pro all of these couples being in love rather than you feeling like you're gross.

So your negative emotions are the guide of where you're holding yourself back. At least that's what I'm projecting onto the world where you are angriest, where you are the most frustrated, where you feel the most stuck, where you feel the most embarrassed is also your greatest opportunity for the next chapter. Because there's stuck energy there that wants to free up to fuel you towards what it is that you do want.

So I feel it. I experience it. I know you do too, because we're all human and we all go through life feeling both positive and negative emotions, and it's usually about the same amount of them, and they're guides toward the life that we want and the freedom that we want to experience. So I hope that this conversation encourages you to pause and feel what's going on inside you and use them as pointers for where you are holding yourself back so that you can live the fullest, freest expression of this life that you can if you enjoyed today's episode, please let me know. Just shoot me a DM. I'm RyanDaniel Moran on Instagram. Thanks so much for listening. I'll see you guys next time. And by the way, here's my call to action. A lot of you don't pull the trigger on a business because you're afraid of failure. And that fear of failure prevents you from actually doing things that would make you successful. So if you want some help with that one, go to capitalism.com Inc. And we can help you with that one real fast. I appreciate you. I'm rooting for you. I'll see you next time.