Choosing Joy While Holding Grief with Lauren Johnson| Episode 22

Hey there and welcome to the 8th in Grace podcast. I am your host, Brandi Dawson. Here we walk alongside each other during every season of life. When it's hard and it's holy, in joy and in grief, when it's light and when it's weighty, when it's peace and there is beauty in the chaos. Because friend, this is our real life. So you can think of this as a gray space for messy faith. Girl, you are loved and covered by grace. I am Brandi and this is the eighth in Grace Podcast. Hey friend, welcome back. I am so glad you are here. Today's conversation is one I've been dreaming of and truly been looking forward to for so long because it holds so much of what I believe. Our hearts are hungry for faith that's honest, joy that's hard won, and grace that meets us right in the middle of our most tender places. I'm sitting down with my friend Lauren Johnson, nurse entrepreneur, faith filled, encourager, and the heart behind Choose Joy, Give Grace and Choose Joy Nursing. Have you ever wondered whether it's possible to hold sorrow and hope in the same hands? Have you ever questioned whether you're a little bit crazy for dreaming of more? Or if you've ever needed a permission slip to step into something new and trust God with the unknown? This episode is for you. Lauren's story is absolutely beautiful, woven with courage, surrender, and the kind of grace that keeps showing up even after the unthinkable. From her days in nursing to building a business that's reached thousands of women, to loving on her daughter Lily Ann and learning to live with both the ache of loss and the gift of joy. Lauren is a voice we need in this generation, and something I've admired about her is the way she has followed God's leading step by step, first as a nurse caring for others at the bedside and then growing her work into Choose Joy Nursing, a night nurse agency now serving families in Nashville. And along 30A, her team provides overnight newborn care in home baby classes, sleep training and virtual sleep coaching, blessing families in those sacred, exhausting first seasons when rest feels impossible. And I don't know about you, but that is such a blessing. Lauren also launched Choose Joy Concierge, offering luxury post surgical recovery for women who need compassionate support and privacy as they heal. It's a beautiful reminder that sometimes the call on our lives isn't about leaving one thing behind. It's about bringing all of who we are into what comes next. So grab your coffee or lace up your shoes for a walk and let's Lean in together. Lauren, welcome to the podcast. I am so honored that you are here. Now I'm going to drop you right into the middle of our conversation.

Welcome back, friends, to the eighth and Grace Podcast. I have my friend Lauren Johnson with me today, and I am so honored that she is on the podcast with me. We made it out of the DMs.

Thank you.

Yes.

Finally we made it out.

I think we've tried like three or four times to do this right, and it has. The Lord has finally worked it out for us to be.

I know. I'm so excited. So I had to give her a big hug. And I have been smiling literally the whole time because I felt like such a kindred spirit with you ever since. Yes.

I texted her that. I'm sorry. I'm gonna be rolling it on time. I'm so proud of myself for being on time. Not gonna be late, but I'm not gonna be early. And she was like, girl, me too. I'll be rolling it the exact same eta. And I was like, oh, phew. Cuz of course the studio said to be early. Neither of us could do that.

No, I can't. And I'm just tell. So there's two things that I tell people all the time. I do not have the spiritual gift of cooking. I do have hospitality. I've got hospitality down. Cooking is not my spiritual gift. My husband is the cook. And then being on time, I'm working so hard on that.

It's a practice. It's a spiritual practice. It is. It is a discipline. And I'm working on it too. I feel like as I've gotten really Lillian. And we'll get to her story, but really helped me see things a lot clearer. And I was like, my time is so valuable. And if I feel this way, I know other people do too. And so when I would take time away from her, I was like, you better be on time. If somebody was late to a meeting with me when I had her, I was like, how dare you? Like, do you know who's at home waiting on me? Right? And so it's really changed my perspective now about being on time. I'm like, this is your time. We have one hour together. I was here at 2 on the dot, 1:59 I pulled in.

Yeah. So that was. So that was your hour. You got it. You got my time.

Yes.

So I would love. So our friends that know you on Instagram, know you as Choose Joy, Give Grace. And I would like to start at the beginning. So kind of before choose joy, Give grace. Because you are a nurse. You've been a nurse for how many years?

10 years. I graduated 2015. I graduated nursing school, started working, so. 10 years.

Yeah.

So what advice?

I'm a retired nurse now. Yes. But I've been a nurse for 10 years. I love that.

That you're a retired nurse now.

That's a whole other conversation. In the midst of everything, didn't renew. And it was. I've kicked myself. I was like, what was I thinking? But you know what? The Lord has used it as such a blessing.

Yeah.

Anyway, we can get into that later. But it was actually such a blessing, and I just have this weird guilty conscience where I can't say I'm not a nurse anymore. Once a nurse, always a nurse. Yes. I have the skills and the knowledge and the education, and I own a company of all nurses.

That's what I was going to say.

Yeah.

Yeah. Sorry. Anyway, go ahead.

No, I love that. So what did that season of your life look like? Because I'm sure it looked different than your season of life.

Nursing.

Yes.

Okay. Yes. So I was in the hospital. I worked as. Actually as a private nanny. They wanted a nurse, did the whole sign, the NDAs, high profile, travel, all the things, and then was like, I'm not getting real nursing experience. And they were, you know, we all agreed I was going to go get hospital experience. So I went that route, worked in the hospital for probably four years, and then I switched to the high school setting. But when I started Choose Joy, Give Grace, which is, I think, what you were kind of getting at. I was in the hospital working three 12s, and I was like, what do I do the other. I mean, I'm single and you're like, what do I do with the other part of my time? And I babysat for everybody in town, and I saw people doing Instagram stuff, and I was like, that looks so fun. I love to talk. I could literally talk to a wall or screen easily. And I was like, this would be so fun. I can just. Yeah, I'm. I'm. I'm oversharer. As we said earlier, we. I love to talk. And so I was like, I'll just get on, start sharing my life and, like, using all my nursing skills and all my people skills to help people. I was like, I've just been through some things. I think I could help people choose more joy in their life and focus on the good versus focusing on the bad.

Yeah.

And so started choose what I Give Grace, thinking it was going to be a Blog and a self help something. And it was just so. It was more of a fun outlet, a creative outlet. And I love sharing pictures. And in my beginning days, if you look like go way back, it's all kids, a babysit. Like, it wasn't like, it was just fun and light and airy and oils. I talked about essential oils. I was always. Nurses are all hustlers. All hustlers.

If any nurse tells you that they only have the their job, they are not telling the truth. All nurses have a side hustle. I know, but you know, did you love floor nursing? I didn't. And I feel guilty. I feel guilty saying that like every time somebody will ask me, like, what made you go on to be a nurse practitioner? I didn't love floor nursing. I just didn't. Labor and delivery, I loved it. But I did ICU and I did children's eating.

I love learning this part of your story.

Yeah.

Didn't even realize that's incredible, did it love. But yeah, the floor is hard.

Yeah.

So I started ICU because I got not job offer and I knew if I wanted to go be an mp, which is what I thought was on the horizon. And then I was like, oof, I want to be a nurse anesthesist. Then I'll really be, you know, So I was like, let me go get this ICU experience. Even though it was like so hard, but at the end of the day, I felt like I was truly getting to be the hands and feet of Jesus. I was like, holy cow. This is like the Lord's work. This is serious. Like, I felt like it was such a ministry. And so in some ways I loved it. But there were so many aspects. I was like, how does anybody keep. You can't. You are going to burn out. Like, how do you keep going? And then I got floated to postpartum one day and I was like, there's flowers and babies and chocolates and people are so happy. I was like, this is where I want to be. This is my heart. And so I transferred and I did love the hustle and the bustle and the go and the go. But then. And all the community, all the nurses, we all got so close. Here in Nashville, I had the best team of nurses on my postpartum floor. Yeah, we all still talk. We all still go to each other's weddings. We have group texts. They, oh, I don't have it on this morning I just took a shower. They gave me the sweetest consider the lilies bracelet. I mean, it's the Sweetest group of girls from working on the floor. So they made it fun. But it was. Although, you know, hospital politics aren't fun.

That's what I was gonna say. I just felt like. And forgive me for any of my friends that are in hospitals, but. And I love you all.

We love you.

Yes. But I would get so upset because I just knew that there was so much more that I felt like I could do to help the patients. And you weren't allowed because of the rules. Yeah, you're not allowed to because of the rules. And it's like you see something. The physicians are busy, and if you. You know, when you get a hold of them and then you still have your standard orders. And that's how I knew I wanted to be a nurse practitioner. And then I just went right out of school and opened my own practice. And I. I don't now, looking back, like, I don't know that I was ever, like, where did I ever get the bravery to do that?

I think that all the time I'm like, how and what. And I look at what we are creating and I'm just like, the Lord is the only thing that explains it. That it's the Lord, that bravery is really the holy Spirit.

And you, like, had to be. And I'm telling you. And I knew, you know, all the time, and I was like, God, are you, like, for real like me Better carry me.

Yeah. He told me, Lord, you told me to do this. You better. You better make a way.

Yes. Because I'm going to tell you right now, it would have been a big thing.

Flop.

But I. That is one thing that I can say, that I look back on my life and I'm not retired. I've been on. I'm on a workman's comp journey that I'm. Obviously, I'm allowed to talk about some and not allowed to talk about some until it's over. But it's been six years. And so I'm not retired, but I'm not working. Okay. And so when you said retired, sometimes I just want to be like, well, I'm a retired nurse practitioner. But I'm not. Like, I still. I still have to keep all that UP and the CEUs and all the fun stuff.

That's why I'm like, you know what? I'm accepting this. I'm embracing this. I'm a retired nurse. I'm a CEO. Owner.

Exactly.

Strategist.

I know.

Queen.

I know.

I really feel like that it's the rules. The fact that I've Removed myself from those strict boundaries. I feel like I have so much more freedom. Yes. I still hire nurses, so anybody listening? Don't get any bright ideas. But for me, as the owner of a business in a company that is growing so rapidly, you could ask any of my peers and co workers. I have stepped into a whole new position in my confidence, in my strength, and, like, the way in which I run the business is different now.

Yeah.

When I was a nurse, I felt like I would hire people to tell me what to do. It was like, I'm a nurse. Just send me, send me. And not that I'm saying nurses are any less than at all. It was that I didn't want to be in charge.

Yeah.

I wanted somebody to send me and tell me what to do. And so now that I can't just go and be a nurse, because I'm not, I'm like, okay, wait. I have to change my tone. I have to change the way I do things. That's how I operate. If people still want me to come, I can come.

Right.

We charge a different price. And now we say, this is. You know, Lauren's a retired nurse. She's the owner, CEO, and a sleep strategist.

Yeah.

Is that what you want to pay for? And they're like, absolutely.

Yeah.

So it's just changed the game.

That funny.

It is so funny. I'm like, it's more expensive to not have a nurse.

Right.

But I do have 10 years of experience.

Yeah.

But it's. Now it's just being the owner and the founder and creating the business and the legacy and the ministry that I really want to create. And I'm not. I'm literally, like, When I say I pray about every business decision, it is wild. Like, I truly do. So when people are like, would you ever be a business coach? I'm like, I'm gonna tell you to pray. Is that what you want to hear?

Yeah.

You're gonna pay me a bunch of money, Tell you to pray.

To pray.

Because that's what I do. And it's wild. I'm like, but my nursing license wouldn't say to pray about it. It would say that you have to say this or that you have to do this. And so, yeah, it's actually for, like, giving me a lot of freedom. And we talk about, like, we're gonna renew it. We're gonna go through the steps just to have it. Cause I. I mean, you have a nursing school and did all the things. And so I'm like, oh, I want to renew. And Just be able to say, I'm a nurse. But I'm like, but do I, but do I really? I know I'm going to keep praying about it.

Yeah, you better pray about it.

Pray about it.

What? How did you know? Like, when did you feel the Lord giving you that nudge to open choose joy nursing?

So that's a great question and story. I can see so many faces of people just almost like literally in like figuratively grabbing my hand and saying, let's go. And so I had done a lot of overnights for people, me and that group of girls from the hospital. We'd all text each other, who wants to do it? We'd all be helping each other out. And then we all had full time jobs though. So it got to be where it was busier and busier. And then I was left to be the high school nurse. And that was a great job, but I just needed more fun money. Into the summers, I'd hustle, I'd be babysitting, night sitting, all the, all the night nanny, night nurse, all the things I might do, day, I'd do night, whatever people want.

Yeah.

And when people kept saying, like, I was like, I'm sorry, I'm full. They get my number. I'm sorry, I'm full. I'm sorry, I'm full. I would try to send someone else, but it was a lot of orchestrating. It was a lot of my time to find someone else to go and I wasn't getting compensated for. And you know, compensation's not everything, but sometimes it, you know, it matters. And so I was like, maybe I do need to bring people on. I was like, God, that seems like a lot of work. And I know nurses, we can, we're, we can be a little pain in the butt sometimes. And we're opinionated in our schedules. We're free spirits. We're gonna go and hustle and work hard, but we play hard and we vac.

Yeah.

And, and that's great. I love that. I love, I want my nurses to be able to have that freedom to work hard and play hard. However, anyway, all that being said, I didn't at the time think I wanted to take this on. And people kept saying, yeah, you should do it. Yeah. I was like, really? If I train someone, you're gonna let that person say, with your baby instead of me? And they were like, and pay me? I said, you're gonna pay me instead of paying them?

Yeah.

And they were like, yeah, absolutely. I was like, wow. Okay. So I had a few people just Speak life and encouragement over me. During COVID I stayed at a friend's house, like, did the live in service because we weren't really going places. So I offered her this, like, huge discount being like, this is what it would cost. This is what I want you to pay me. And she was like, done. Amazing. So I was like, her live in nurse, which we offer the service now because we've seen it be such a blessing. So we will send nurses to live in anyway. And so I lived in with her, and by the end of it, she paid me in full and she said, no, this was worth every penny and more. And she paid the full price. Yeah. I'm like, I get chills on my face. And, like, she spoke so much truth and, like, love and, like, encouragement over me. She's like, lauren, this is a calling, like, you are made for so much more. And I'm like, oh, like, chills. I want to cry. So then a friend's husband, literally, I don't remember if it was a voice memo or phone call or text, said, I felt. I don't know if this is weird, but I felt the Holy Spirit say that this, like, speak, choose joy nursing in, like, over me. I don't remember the exact wording I asked. I'm sure I have the text saved. But I was like, wow. Like, the Lord is going above and beyond to make it clear. Because I'd heard it. I'd heard it. I knew it was something I was called to, that there was still a need. And Nashville has incredible night nursing companies. I'm not the only one. And they're great when they're owned by great women.

That is so crazy because I lived here for so long and never even thought of that, heard of that. And so it's just so amazing. When I heard of yours, like, I just thought that was it. So I love it. I know, right?

I do love my team, and I think we do advertise and market well.

Yeah.

And one thing I'm so proud of is we've never used a celebrity's name on our end. If they tag us, that's on, you know, their choice. And we're so grateful, but we. That's not how we.

You know, I was gonna say that I've noticed that on Instagram, a couple of influencers, local, like Nashville influencers, that have tagged you and your nursing team. And I've never once. And I mean, I know a people, I know a few that y' all have nursed for, that you've personally nursed for and you never say that, and I love that. It's not a big deal. It's not a part of that for you.

When I've had people say, oh, I wasn't famous enough for this company, I was like, what? Every mama needs love.

Yeah.

And I'm like, I'm so honored to get to love on all mamas. Every mom is equal, and every mama gets charged the same. I mean, it's a luxury service. It's a premium price tag. But you're getting a registered nurse in your home who's fully trained by the sleep strategist and owner.

I love that we're going to have to make that the tagline all the time.

I mean, it's not just like, oh, here's a nurse we're sending her. They chart in a way that, like, the moms can see the note, the dads can see the note, the nurses see the note. I can see the notes. I still get to oversee what's going on.

Yeah.

So it's not just like, we're writing in notepad what we did and no one sees it. And, you know, a new nurse comes in and has no idea how to pick up where they left off.

Yeah.

My nurses know how to pick up where they left off.

Yeah.

We have a charge nurse we pay to be on during the day to talk to moms, to get reports from our nurses. When they leave a shift, they give a report.

Yeah.

So what we're doing is incredible. But all that to say, I didn't want to start it because I felt like there were so many other opportunities, and they're owned by great women.

Yeah.

And so I was like, no, call this person. Okay. Call this person. Call this person. And then finally I was like, okay, they all have wait lists. Then let's just do it. The Lord's telling me there is room at the table.

Yeah.

And there has been room at the table.

You know what's so amazing to me is when you can look back and see God in every aspect of your life. And just as you were talking, thinking about how you said you were a nanny and you're a nurse, and it was like God was already putting all of that into play way before you ever even had any idea. But everything you did led up to choose Joy nursing.

Absolutely.

And that is so beautiful to me.

Yes.

Now, what about. Because I know it has to be a blessing for all moms, but what about moms that have babies, like, with special needs or medications? Like, I could only imagine how amazing and just how safe how it feels like a safe space to have a nurse in your home, especially when you are tired and you know your body's needing rest. I mean, all new moms are wore out, but especially when we have, like, extenuating circumstances to even be more worn out and just scared and all the things to have that extra person in there to be like, I got you. Like, I'm here with you.

Oh, yeah. I feel like all of our mamas are so grateful to feel so supported, and that's a huge part of my mission, is anybody can hold a baby.

Yeah.

But to show up and hold mom, to show mom so much love and grace and support and encouragement, and that's what my nurses are really trained to do. That's so much more than just nursing nervous system regulation. It's so much more and more. So we love. We are post NICU mamas are just like, they want a nurse to go home with them. They're like, you've had a nurse take care of your baby all night for their whole life, and so they want a nurse to come home with them. And they are so grateful. But even our, well, baby mamas are like, in that, what do I do? Right? I was a postpartum nurse, so these were all well babies. And I'd be doing discharge education. And it's like, here you go. And they're like deer in headlights. And dad's like, okay, we're really doing this. Okay. We're taking this baby home.

You've been in the hospital for two days, and everybody's. And back in the day, like, when I had kids, my first baby was a NICU baby. She stayed for two weeks. And then. But, like, back in the day, my kids are old. My baby's 18. And. But at that time, it was still very normal, like, for your kids to go to the nursery. Like, they weren't in there at night. I mean, you know, now everything's just so different. I have five grandbabies, so seeing. Seeing how everything is different now with littles compared to when I had them. But, I mean, you're there, you have somebody giving you care around the clock for two days, and then all of a sudden, it's like, here's your baby. Bye. Put him in this car seat. Can you get him strapped in the car? See you later.

Yeah, see you later. They. The baby's not sleeping. Mom's not sleeping. You're leaking, you're bleeding. Everything is hurting. And you're like, good luck.

Yeah.

So I'm like, this is where we come in and OB didn't even see him till six weeks.

Yeah.

Blows my mind. So we, my FA. Like, we love clients that keep us for eight and 12 weeks and that's becoming more normal. But that gap, that birth to six weeks.

Yeah.

We thrive. And like moms feel so seen, so supported. Questions answered. We have a charge nurse on, for Pete's sake. Day questions, night questions. Like you, we are there to support them. And it's amazing how many moms say, oh my gosh, I could have another baby after this.

Right.

They're like, think they're done? And they're like, wait, I could have one more. I know. They're like, wait, I could do this again. And it's like I, I do. I get chills talking about it. Because it's truly the joy they get to experience postpartum instead of the exhaustion and the brain fog. And it does, it doesn't necessarily always prevent postpartum depression. That can still happen. And that's when we can also come in and help a ton. People who, you know, call us in the middle of that, they're like, hey, we need help. We try our best to get people in when they call last minute like that. But I do think when you start early and book early and plan early, we get to help in that process so much. Because sometimes it's just a chemical imbalance. They can't help. It doesn't matter if they've got day help, night help. Right. Amazing husbands. Sometimes that just happens.

Yeah.

And so we can be an incredible resource through that or we can help possibly prevent it.

Right.

And that's a huge gift.

Burnout.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

So you also do sleep training. Right. And so. And I noticed that you're doing like virtual sleep coaching.

I do sleep coaching.

I love that. So does that start like when they first go home or is that like.

A time, time after, totally up to the family. Most people call when the baby's like going through that four month growth spur, three months. They're at that point, mom's exhausted, so she's like, I can't keep not sleeping. Can I have help? Kind of. But I've told people we could start from birth. I've had moms call me in the hospital bed and say what I do. And I literally can help you get set up for success.

Yeah.

Your little baby needs to eat in the night. That's normal. But we can get to, we can set up healthy sleep habits and just healthy feeding habits.

Yeah.

And just mom to know how important self care is and that happy mom does make a happy baby.

A happy mom.

Yeah.

So important.

So I wanted to ask you. We got to talking, and then I completely left this part off. What? Is that where that moment was when you were like, I have to do this.

Like, start usually.

Yeah.

What did that look like? You were like, I have to. There's just. Right now.

Yeah. The Lord was like. He had just opened every door. And then, I swear, this is where having Christian friends matters. Right? If they're in the spirit and they're praying and they're living in faith. They were literally grabbing my hand and opening my QuickBooks account. Hey, Lawrence. Opening my LLC, I had a friend literally say, okay, come on, we're filling this out. They were, like, doing. And this was like, literally, like, then the Lord put them beside me for a reason.

Yeah.

Almost like an Aaron and a her. Like, they were holding your arms up. Like when you get.

Yes. Like the sheep. Like, I was the one being herded.

Yeah.

And it was incredible. And so it was like, kind of just done. All of a sudden I had an LLC, and all of a sudden we had a QuickBooks. And I was like, okay. So she told me how to send invoices on the QuickBooks. And then I started using Google Calendar for scheduling. And then I started interviewing bookkeepers. And then I had. I started interviewing assistants. Help with the emails, because I don't email. I'm. I'm very disorganized over here, so. Lord have mercy. I might panic. And then I'm scared I'm gonna sound grammatically incorrect. I'm gonna sound country. And I don't wanna send an email sounding country. So. So I was like, I need help. I need somebody to be professional and respond to my emails. And so I hired this sweet girl, Kristen, who's now my business manager. But I brought her on back then just five hours a week to help me keep track of my inboxes, help me keep it clean, help me stay on top so people don't get ghosted.

I need a Kristen.

Yeah.

Oh, right now, my inbox. Like, I literally messaged me today. And she was like, I've been trying to get a hold of you a few days. Like, are you too busy for me? And I was like. Like, oh, my God. Like, no, I'm not too. But then I'm like, well, maybe I am. Like, when you start jumping out and.

Doing what capacity is limited. I mean, we're humans. We are flesh. Like, we have a limited capacity. We have to outsource. We have to delegate. We have to trust others. That lack of, like, that's the part.

Trust in somebody else to do it.

I. And people always like, do you have trouble letting go of control? I was like, no, Are you kidding? When I was preparing for maternity leave, so in my business, I was very adamant about setting up a successful maternity leave. I was like, I don't know. Like, I. The Lord was giving me exactly what I needed. I was putting people on salary. I was making manuals. We were doing all these things to make sure I'd have a true maternity leave. And it was so for me, it was. It was like the Lord gave me exactly what I needed, and I had no problem. I said, if the house is on fire, do not call me.

Do not call me.

I said, I know how fleeting the newborn season is. And I was like, do not bother me. And then, look, come to find out what ended up happening, which. We'll get into that. But I was like, that was the Lord. That was the Lord making a way and preparing. Preparing away. Anyway, getting into choose to nursing, it really was just the Lord, like, truly the Lord who helped start this business.

Now, I've heard you say before that you've thought now about the name that you chose about Choose Joy, and I love it. So what has that. What has that looked like? Because I know in your mind, you're like, choose Joy. Like, how? And so I wanted to ask you about it.

Yes. No, it's a great question. It's kind of fun to talk about, too. I really now, through everything I've been through, feel like Jesus is who gives you joy. You don't just choose it. You don't just muster it up. And so I'm like, dang it, is that a bad name? But I've had so many people DM me be like, no, but you're choosing, like, Jesus, and he's giving you.

You're choosing joy through even the heart.

Yes, yes.

Through the hard stuff. And, like, it's okay, you know? Anyway, originally it was more just I was trying to help people muster up some joy. And I'm like, no. That was all. It was always gonna be Jesus. It was always gonna be the Lord. It was always gonna be the fruits of the spirit that really make you experience joy. And so with. And also with the nursing brand, I will say for the business, I've thought about changing it. But then, of course, a brand, we have such good branding. Our brand is branding. Like, it's beautiful, and it. It just does well. And I don't want to change the Name. But I will say, when you talk to any businessman or any. I mean, even some women they don't know, what if you say, oh, I own Choose Joy Nursing?

Yeah.

They're like, well, they're like, what is that? What does that do?

Yeah. Okay. So are y'. All. Some people will ask if you're nurses. One person said, do we nurse babies? I was like, well, we don't have wet nurses.

Okay.

Yeah.

I guess I could say safe.

That's a little old school, but that's okay.

Yeah.

Yeah. Y. Other countries do that. That's fine. Teach their own. No judgment at all. There's no shame ever in whatever people choose. But I was like, no, we don't offer that service. So that's where I'm like. Like, it's not very telling of what we do. Like, when you search a home nurse in home care, that none of those words are in Choose Joy Nursing. Right. You know what I mean? So all that to say, though. I'm just totally, once again, arms open and trusting that the Lord will do what he does and if this business is, you know, meant to be or meant to expand or meant to whatever, that he'll do it.

Yeah.

Just like he opened the doors. Like, he'll do it. So I'm not Choos Nursing's name. I haven't changed or I'm not going to choose to give grace. I've thought about just making Lauren Johnson, but of course, that's taken. So then we're like, lauren C. Johnson's taken. Learn Cummings Johnson is available. My maiden name. But that's long handle.

Yeah.

And so many people are like, you're choosing to give grace? When they see me out. Wait, are you choosing to give grace? Yeah, it's like, now, that's how who. Like, who I identify with.

Well, and it's funny because I had my family and just several people ask me because I was coming back from Charleston to do a couple interviews here in Tennessee, and they were like, who are you? Because everybody always is like, who are you interviewing? This is so fun. And I was like, telling all the names. Now I got tears. And I was like, lauren Johnson. They're like. And I said, choose Joy. And they were like, I love her.

So. See, that's so funny because people know me. They know me that way.

They know you that way. And, you know, the way I look at it, and especially I've walked through a rough season the past couple years as well. And God has really shown me that joy and grief can coexist. Absolutely and that we can hold space for both places. And when we choose joy through the grief. And so, like you said, it's not like, oh, we can't choose to just choose it or muster it up. It comes from him. But it's like that moment of where, you know, you have peace in the wilderness, like that. Peace in the chaos. That's where that joy comes from. And so I think it's beautiful. Like, obviously, if the Lord lead. Lead, you know, lead you to change it. But, I mean, it is. It's precious, and it's just. It is who you are, and, like, you radiate such a light.

Anyway, thank you so much. That is something that, like, when people have everything we've gone through and they've seen on social media and we've been very, like, public about our story, but they're like, that was prophetic. They're like, you are choosing joy, and you are giving grace. And, like, the way. And, like, I have chills, as I say. I'm like, I had no idea. The Lord did.

Yeah. Yeah.

My daughter, this morning, we were talking about my. Me interviewing you, and she literally. We're gonna get to Lillian's story very soon. Like, I'm biting at the bit to do that, but I'm saving her story, like I told you, for, like, middle to the end before we mic'd up, because I'm glad I have lash extensions because I don't have on mascara, and I won't cry. And, I mean, if I cry, it's not gonna matter, because if it runs, it won't.

It's okay. It's okay. Yeah.

I did forget waterproof, but she was like. My daughter was like, I don't know anybody that I could have ever seen that has walked through what she's walked through and carried it in this way. When you know she's hurting, when you know that she's grieving. But you just carry it so gracefully.

Thank you.

And that is, I think, where the grace comes from. The choose joy, give grace. But choosing joy and walking gracefully through the valley, because, you know, he's holding you there.

And that's been the sweetest part, is he's holding us like.

And you know that.

Oh, my goodness. Oh, it's in undeniable. Yeah, it's palpable.

When you. When you started Choose Joy nursing, and when you started Choose Joy, Give Grace, when you walked away from nursing as you knew it, I'm sure there was a moment when you were scared. People probably thought you were crazy. If we have friends Listening to us today that are wanting to take, like, a leap forward or a step forward, but they're like, maybe I'm not enough, or maybe, you know, my story's too mundane, or, you know, maybe I'm not worthy. Would. Do you have any advice on what to do first?

Say you're. You're. In some ways, you're right. You're not enough. Yeah, but Christ is. Yeah, that God is enough, and the Lord is enough, and he will go before you, and if he has called you to it, what are you waiting for? Like, there are so many blessings on the other side of obedience. And that, like, living in that obedience is where so much, like, joy and grace and trust comes from. I mean, when you are being obedient to what the Lord's called you to do, and you see his faithfulness, you are going to want to keep being obedient. That's why I pray about every decision, because I'm like, God, you haven't. You haven't steered me wrong once.

Yeah, once.

Like, if I know it's the Lord. And so I think that's where. Knowing the Bible, testing it with Scripture, like, when you're hearing things and, like, knowing the Spirit and, like, knowing the love of our Heavenly Father, you should have confidence in that decision. So my prayer is always for the Lord to slam a door shut or open it. And He's a gentleman. The Holy Spirit's a gentleman, so he's not gonna force anything on you. It's up to you to take that leap of faith. And if you feel that nudge on your heart over and over again, you've tested it and you've prayed about it, and the Lord keeps making it clear, you're missing out on an incredible opportunity. If you don't, if you're not obedient, like, I just can tell you from experience what a gift it is to live in this obedience. And he could literally tell me to do anything, and I do it.

It's like living in abundance of an overflow of joy, knowing you're walking in what he's calling you to do, even on the hard days, even on the days you know, because it's. It's amazing to have a good community. And like you said, to have Christian friends is so important because you have one side of people that will be like, have you lost your mind? Like, what are you doing? And then you have your Christian community that helps keep you rooted, grounded. Like, you know what you're doing. You know who's leading you, you know who's guiding you, you know, if this.

Yes, yes. And that's where I will say, like, I wasn't enough. I still am not enough. That's why I've delegated. That's why you hire people who are good at where you're weak. Someone else can be strong. But that's also where the Lord really reveals that, like, okay, this is where I'm weak. He can be strong, but like, that's why you hire good people. We're not meant to do this alone. So that is another, like, if you're saying, you know, to someone who's wanting to take a leap of faith, where to start. Find good friends, find the right team, the right community, the right employees, and just trust that the Lord will open the right doors.

Yeah.

That was so good. That was so good. Now in your businesses, because you have also with choose joy, give grace. You have journals that you do. Right. And doesn't feel like I do.

I feel like we just whipped up a calendar anyway. It's so wild.

But I love it.

I love it.

Now when you first started, you had somebody that you were just ordering them, Right. You were saying, and you printed them and now. Or she printed them and now it's full blown. Like you do the whole thing.

It's all a custom made journal. I don't even know how to explain it. It is the wildest thing. It's one of the things that was a regulating resource for me. It was, you know, I habits stacked. I'd started with just gratitudes every single day and then prayer every single day and then Bible reading every single day. And I scheduled my day around that.

Yeah.

And it created so much like abundance and like almost. It sounds like more to your to do list, right?

Yeah.

No, it felt like all of a sudden I had more time.

Yeah.

I was like, if I wake up and spend time in the spirit first, I'm able to do an experience and enjoy so much more.

Yeah.

And so it. Yeah, we completely have created it, changed every bit of the wording and the format, like every bit of it toward the top of it. So Bible reading, Scripture obviously optional. You can read wherever you want to read. Any day in scripture is a good day in scripture. So it doesn't matter where you flip and open. But I have guided prompts and it's based off the Bible recap by Tara Leigh Cobble. I give her full credit. We tag her, we do all the things she's incred. Yeah. Incredible. And I'm so grateful she's being obedient to her gift and what the Lord called her to do because it has truly changed my life doing. Because it's just how I read the Bible every day.

Me, too. I love. Been doing that now for a couple years. I absolutely love her. Love her.

It's so good. And so to really, truly learn about God's character and to truly learn about, like, scripture and what it says and who he is has obviously changed me. And I don't think I'd be walking through this grief the way I am now if it weren't for having read the Bible. And I'm still every day waking up. And that is my daily breath. Like, that is how I get through my day. So, yeah, the journal, calendar, planner, it was kind of meant to be like the old school planner that then turned journal, then turned prayer journal. Gratitude. Like, it. Is this all in one thing.

It's incredible. So many women have been blessed by it. Like, how did you. What? How did you know one day that you were just going to go from a resource that was blessing you and helping regulate you in your daily rhythm and habits to saying, okay, other women need this resource. We've got to get it out there.

Well, that's my personality. I'm like, if I'm having a good time or I'm enjoying something or this is yummy to me. I'm telling you, I'm telling everybody. I'm literally, like, always, since I was a kid, we laugh. Always selling something, even if I'm not making money, I'm out telling everybody all about it. I'm always like, as a kid was selling rocks. I'm like, you need this rock, Nana? Yes, Nana, you gotta buy this rock from me anyway. And so if it was blessing me, I was like, even if it blessed one other person, I'm gonna tell them about it. And so how it actually started the first time I placed my own custom order. The print places, it's more expensive the less you order per planner. And so I was like, like, I call my friends, will y' all please buy one?

Yeah.

So they were like, sure. So I bought. We did an order of about 10 or so. And then the next year, the nanny, or not nanny, families, but families I was around, they were like, oh, I might get a bunch for all my kids, or I might get a bunch for all my small group. So then they helped. They knew I needed a. I'm not trying to make money off of it. I'm truly trying to get my own plan, get my price right.

Yeah.

I'm just like, I'll pay whatever. I mean, I was. So this was a regulating resource for me. This was good for my nervous system, system in my spiritual walk. And my gratitudes, like writing down gratitudes every single day changes your. It creates new neuropathways in your brain to wake up and think about what's good, because there's plenty. If you had a bad list, that would be long too. But we don't go there. I just immediately write down what I'm grateful for and then what I'm praying for. And so many times those end up being like. My prayer section ends up being praise because I live in this place of gratitude. So I kind of forget about some of the bad things and the heavy things. I don't know if I forget, but I know the Lord's carrying him. I know it's that he took care of that on the cross. I know that he's made a way and that he's gone before me. And so my prayer request really is just praise and trust and surrender. But, yeah, I just. I knew it was blessing me and literally changing my life, making me feel closer to Christ, making me feel. I don't know if happier is the right word, but experiencing more joy this side of heaven. And so why not tell people about it? So, of course, now with Instagram, you have way more access to share.

Yeah.

So then it went from selling, having 40 just to get them at a good price to then I think, oh, gosh, I wish I knew the exact number. I didn't realize we're going to talk about planners. I would have. I wanted. I would want to know. Yeah, we ended up selling a ton. And I was so grateful. So it was such a fun project that I just whipped up all of a sudden, after everything we've been through, I was like, but y', all, everybody needs it, right? So I just.

Well, that's one of the things I admire so much about you, is because in each business that you have created, it's all in when you see what women need. Like, you see the need that women need, and you're willing to be the one to say, I'll go first. I'll feel that. Like, I'll stand in the gap for you. I'll be there when you need me, I'll be. You know, and so I love that. That is one of the things that I admire so much. And especially when you think about it, they all coincide, definitely, and have been, like, for the. From the beginning of time. And so now you have choose Joy nursing. You have choose joy give Grace, you also have Choose Joy concierge.

Yes.

Which is, like, big. Like, I'm so excited about, because I love Dr. Hatef anyway. And, like, I hate kind of like, I always make fun because I'm like, if I ever need to get Botox, which I'm desperately in need of, and Tori Crook is my girl. And then I'm like, when I need my laser and stuff, and I gotta go to Dr. Hatefs, and, like, I just need to come back to Tennessee to go get all my things.

Yes, I did. We took him a bunch of brochures. We went and took him bagels and met him. He's so kind. He is so kind. Oh, my goodness. So great. And so we've met with it. We have a lot of surgeons here in town that we've been getting to know and, like, loving, and it has been so fun. So my. I don't know if she wants me to share. I don't hope she doesn't care, because here we are on a podcast. But mom had a lump removed from her breasts. And so the oncologist took that. Everything came back clear, Praise God. But while, yeah, she was under, we're like, we're just gonna go ahead and get it all, do the whole thing. And so that's kind of how it came to be. She was like, wait, I had a nurse come stay with me. And it like, you can do this? And I was like, yeah, I can. And her doctor was like, you, your luxury brand is my luck. Like, you're a luxury. You give off luxury. Like, that's what we say. That's what we are. And we really prioritize the patient, holding space for them and loving them well. And we are very honest about being a Christian business and praying with clients if they ever want us to. We're not, like, walking in, you know, praying out loud if they don't. If they're uncomfortable. But we are praying in our hearts over our patients and in their homes. And she was like, I love you. I love this. Like, I'm gonna start referring you clients. And I was like, okay, hold on, wait. Some of these nurses are baby nurses. They don't want to be plastic nurses. And she was like, no, they're all nurses. They're overqualified. It'll be fine. Well, then of course, that we all have histories in other people. Med search people had icu, but I had an ICU background. People have all these different backgrounds. So once again, the Lord just opened the door and, like, literally did just kind of hand it to Me on a silver platter. And I don't mean to say there wasn't work involved, and I wasn't up all hours of the night making contracts and making liability releases because this was a whole new. This needed new terminology. This is a whole new world. So it's not to say there wasn't hard work, but the Lord just made it so clear, and he was so kind to open the door for this.

Yeah.

Opportunity. And we are loving it. Like, our nurses are. Like, this is fun. Like, it's. We love our moms and babies, and that is our bread and butter. We did 167 nights last month.

Are you kidding me?

No. Well, I guess that was two months ago now. But no. Insane. So, like, moms and babies worth arriving.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Right. But this is kind of fun.

I can see this being fun.

It's so fun. So it's great to. And it's on. It removes the limiting factor. When you talk to business people, they'll be like, what are limiting factors? And one of them was that we only did moms and babies. Well, now we'll take care of anybody. It's concierge nursing. We can do whatever they want us to do.

It's a.

It's a premium.

Yeah.

And so we can come and help anybody in their home. Post surgical just tends to be what our sweet spot is.

Well, yeah. That is so amazing.

And it's going incredible. We did 20 nights of that last month.

Holy.

I know. I'm like, okay. God. Like, thank you. Thank you. Like, we're just so blown away.

Just seeing his hand move in this.

It is all the Lord. I am like, yes, I'm being obedient. So, like, I'm. But I'm not trying to anyway. It just blows my mind.

Yeah.

Like, I'm not enough. I know. It's not on me. I know. It's like, my team is incredible. I have the right women on my team. I have the right people in my corner. We have the right doctors giving our number out. We have the right relationships in town. I definitely do know that relationships matter. And I'm born and raised here, and my husband is, too. And those relationships have been such a blessing.

But since.

Speaking of being here now, you also just expanded to 38 now. Is that just mama and baby right now?

Just mom and baby? Yeah. I haven't gotten to really know the area well enough to know if there's plastic surgeons down there that need that kind of care, but we do know people are coming to Nashville to have surgery.

Absolutely.

From all over.

Yeah.

I love that. I seen that you expanded to 38, and I was like, this is so precious.

Like, it just, like, made so much sense. We vacation there all the time. Like, me and my husband anyway, and I go with friends down there all the time, and it kind of. It just made sense.

Yeah.

It was, like, the next step for us, and we have so many clients that vacation down there.

Yeah.

Now. Now I want to talk about Lily Ann's story, because her story is such a big part of. Of every aspect that we've talked about, and I want to honor her. And as a matter of fact, the last time that I was actually here in Nashville doing a podcast, it was supposed to be mine and your podcast, and I got a message from Kristen. And so I interviewed my mom that day, but we held space that morning before we had our interview for Lillian. So for any of our friends watching and listening, if this studio looks familiar, it's the one when I interviewed my mom, and we held space for Lily in that before her interview. And if you're comfortable, obviously, if you'll just share, like, what it looks like in the season now, and you can talk about as much of it as you want or don't want to. But as Holden. Joy and grief in the same space.

Yeah. Yeah.

So, yeah, absolutely. I love talking about her. She is my pride and joy. Like, she has completely changed who I am as an individual and as a human and changed the way I live my life this side of heaven. I think, you know, I believed in heaven, I believed in Jesus, but not like I do now.

Yeah.

Like, I'm like, if Jesus came tomorrow, I would be the first one doing cartwheels down the golden roads. Like, to run. Like, running to Lily Ann into to our heavenly Father. I think that's the part that, like, I can't wait to hold her again. But I know being in the glory of God is going to be magnificent. He's worth the joys. He is so good. He is the one. Like, he's who I'm really chasing.

Yeah.

And so Lillian was born in. No, gosh. April 6th. She passed. No, I'm saying this all backwards. Sorry. Lillian was born July 6th, passed away April 6th of 2025 from a medical condition called citrullinemia. And our story is unique because I didn't just guess there are options and things we could have done and could still do. And I will say we were still. We were medicating and feeding and weighing her formulas and weighing her food. So by no means Was I just like throwing all things to the wind? We just chose to go home and love her and let her be a baby. We had a month in the picu and I know you know the story. I'm sharing this part for anybody who doesn't know, but we had the month in the PICU and then we went home on hospice because we wanted to let her be a baby. We're like, lord, if you as many days or months or years as you want to give us with her, we are going to be eternally grateful. But at the end of the day, heaven is our home. And I know, you know as a mama like that mother instincts like, you know what your babies need, you just know. And it's like she told me, she told me when to extubate, she told me when to take her home. And I'd always be like, okay, mama will do it, but can we have a few more days? I mean, be sure the doctors are okay with this. I was always like, okay, we'll see. I'm trying. And then she'd act out or do something. I was like, okay, listening, I'm listening. We'll do it right now. I literally was like, I'll expand it right now. And she lived. And we didn't know she would. They were like, well, what if she doesn't make it? And I was like, well, then she wants to be in heaven.

Yeah.

I was like, that's what she wants. And they were like, okay, alrighty. And it was just miracle after miracle, open door after open door. It was insane the way that she lived and the way that she grew and the way that she started to sleep through the night despite, you know, doctor's recommendations. But I felt like she wanted to be treated like a real baby. And so I did what I was do with any baby. And she had heard all nine months, 42 weeks in my belly. She heard about Choose Joy nursing and she was a choose your nursing baby through and three, she wanted to sleep. She loved her cribby, she loved her night nurses. It was the sweetest experience to get to take her home and just let her be a baby and love on her and kiss I have. Oh my gosh, that baby was kissed non stop. I mean, all day, every day. I don't even know if I read her. I might have read her a book or two, but I just kissed her all day. That's all I did. I made her. We giggled and we kissed and we cuddled and like, she was just delicious. She was.

So what was it like? For you, because you had no signs. Like, there was nothing to tell you that she even had citrullinemia.

Right. Yeah.

But when you went home, I mean, you had her and you went home.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. No. So we literally thought she was just a normal, healthy baby. Our whole pregnancy, we were told we had a healthy baby. We did genetic testing, but not like the 600 panel. Yeah, we did the basics, and all those came back good.

But even in the big one, would that have came? I don't. It would have.

Okay.

Yeah. We've both done it now, and that's. Are both mutual recessive.

Oh, okay.

So we do have 25% chance with every pregnancy of that occurring. But anyway, so, yeah, she was like what we thought was a normal baby. She was super fussy in the hospital, and the doctors all came in saying, wow, she's got some good lungs. And we're like, oh, great. She's her mother's daughter.

She's opinionated.

Like, this is. You know, it's gonna be fine. So we go home, and she, you know, Tucker's out. And I'm thinking, oh, she was just that fussy, you know, milk transition. Your milk's trying to come in. I thought this was all the normal stuff. Well, then she was drowsy and didn't want to really nurse. And I did not care what she ate, as long as I know eating is important. So I was like, I don't care if you breastfeed bottle feed what you do. But I was like, you got to eat. So then she wouldn't nurse. I was like, all right, I'll make her a bottle. She won't really take that. And I was like, maybe she's just super drowsy. I know her bilirubin came back fine, but maybe until. I don't know. I was like, she's just extra drowsy. I was like, we'll give her a minute. We'll eat our. We pop champagne. We're like, no. With a newborn baby.

Yeah.

There's our organic Sophie James. And so I felt like it was fabulous and, like, practically healthy.

Yeah.

And so we're opening, eating our first meal train. And I'm like, it's been a little bit. Like, not even an hour. I'm like, it's been a little bit. Let's try the feed again. She's still not really interested. And my husband said, I feel like she's cold. I was like, now that is alarming to me. Babies are not supposed to be cold.

Yeah.

Like, that's not. And she's literally. We're like, barefoot dreams.

Yeah.

She's cozy, cuddled. I mean, we're. She's in a full outfit. We're cozy. And so I go and touch her cheeks, and they're. They're chilly. And our house is pretty cold. So then I'm like, maybe it's just. Like, that can happen. I stick my hand down her shirt. She's cold. And I was like, this is not normal. So I run and get a thermometer, take her temperature. It's like 92. And I'm like, that can't be right. Like, no way. But I immediately am like, unhook my bra. Get her skin to skin. Like, your body's supposed to be able to regulate your body baby's temperature, right? Like, this is supposed to work. And I don't know what her temperature is because I just assume the thermometer had to be broken. I don't know what our temperature is, but, like, this has to work. This is what our bodies are designed to do. This is how God created us. Like, yeah. And I'm like, I'm a nurse. I'm a baby nurse. I am like the baby nurse in Nashville. Like, yeah, my. Is something really wrong with my baby? Like, is this real? Is. I'm literally feeling like this is all going through my head so fast. This is from the time that he said she was cold to the time we're admitted to the hospital was probably just one hour. So it all happened fast.

It all happened really quick.

Yeah. And so then we go upstairs, we're looking for another thermometer. We end up finding a heating pad. So it's like her. Like, my skin, her and just a diaper. We strip her down, knowing skin to skin's the best way to heat her up. A blanket and then the heating pad, and we're still. We find another thermometer. I lay her down. So then, I don't know, however many minutes have gone by, I'm checking it again, and this one says. Or maybe it said 90.2. And this one said 92. Something wild. I was like, these can't be right. And my husband looked at me and said, are you scared? And I literally remember just this flash of, like, the baby nurse has, like, a SID situation. Like, the baby nurse. What we try to help people prevent. I'm about to experience, like, something is not like, do I. I was like, I can do this. I'm a nurse. I can do this. Like, I was kind of, like, wanting to keep her home. But when he said, are you scared? I said, yes. He said, then we're leaving. And that was like. I swear he's a different man from that moment on. Like, seeing him just step into fatherhood and holding me and loving me and holding space for me through all of this. He has been such a gift, but. So we went to the hospital, got her admitted, and then test after test. That's when I posted publicly, being like we were desperate for prayer or for answers, like, begging. I felt like it was just us two, and our parents at that point knew. So it felt like there were six people in the world praying for Lily Ann.

And you knew, like, we needed something.

I knew something. I was like, something is not right. And like, your mama heart just knows. You knew. The whole night, I stayed up. I stayed awake so that they'd let me hold her all night. Because you know you can't hold. They're worried about the baby falling, and if I fall asleep, me dropping her side. I peeled my eyelids open and held her the whole night. And they. We were just waiting on test results because they thought it was bacterial. They thought it was virus.

That's what I was gonna say. Did they think it was sepsis or bacterial? Like, I mean, they were like, oh, she's bound to.

Somebody's kissed her. Y' all aren't supposed to be kissing her. You let somebody kiss her, she probably picked up something. It'll be fine, is what they all kind of thought. And all night, I could just. I knew. I knew something was not right. And so I was like, I'm just gonna hold this baby as long as the Lord lets me. And then the next morning, they came and rushed us to the ICU and said, this is. There's something going on that we're missing. She shouldn't be. You know. And I was like, I know. I've been telling everybody that I knew. And it was so wild. I didn't even. Couldn't even think of the term icu. I literally was like, shouldn't we. When they took us to our room, I was like, wait, we have our own bathroom. And we closed the door. I remember I'm a nurse, and I couldn't even think. I literally was like, shouldn't we be in, like, a box? Like a. And that's literally. And they were like, no, this is your room. I was thinking of the icu. I just couldn't even put words to it. I knew. I was like, this isn't what she needs. She needs expert level care. 247 nurse watching her like, this is not. And I'm not qualified. I don't know, Nikki. I was never a NICU nurse. I couldn't do it. It made me cry. Every time in nursing school, I'd have to step out and when I get floated down there and have to train, that was not for me. I pray so hard for those mamas and those babies. But it broke my heart because babies are not supposed to be sick. They're not supposed to suffer, they're not supposed to hurt. And it tore me up. So anyway, I always did well, baby. And she was sick and I was like, what do I even do? I'm not equipped for this either. Yes, I've had eventually been trained and got the courage and the strength to do some NICU things, but that was not my expertise. So anyway, it was a wild journey. But that is where I truly. I'd always told moms, like, trust your, you know, mother intuition, the Holy Spirit. Like, trust that but to experience it and how accurate it is.

Like, you were her advocate and like, you had to keep fighting for her.

Yes, yes. Oh, I was her advocate. And that's where, like, when I did have somebody tell me one time, like, you're supposed to be your advocate. And I was like, that's exactly what I'm doing. Like, I felt like hospice was not giving up. That was advocating for her quality of life. To go home and be comfortable in your own home with, like, it was no neon lights. It was the most peaceful. Like, people when they'd walk in my home, be like, oh, my goodness. Like, this is like, the Holy Spirit is here. Like, this is unique. Like, we always had worship music on. Everything's just white and light and dreamy and calm. We were all so calm.

But citronemia is also really rare. It's very rare. And I mean, honestly, you didn't know it was gonna happen. Nobody. Nobody in that situation knows what's gonna happen but God, like, nobody could have told you, right? Well, what's gonna happen?

We. Because of Instagram now. We met friends who had a five year old who had it before he got his liver transplant. So we, in the moment in the hospital, we had a huge block to, like, the liver. They were like, you probably need a liver before you go home. And I was like, that does. That just was not what Lillian wanted. Like, as her mom, I just knew that was not. Like, she was like, heaven's my. Like, my home. Like, I just felt like that was not what she wanted. So we just kept saying no, kept saying no. And then we're like, that's when we chose hospice. Like, we're going home on hospice if we have to. What do we have to get our baby home? And hospice was the choice. So we did it. And it was beautiful and great. And then actually, the week prior to her getting sick and harmonious spiking, we had another call with the hepatologist, the liver doctor, to tell him that we wanted to move forward because she's thriving. And it was like we felt like our hearts were being open to it. We had such like, no, no, no. And we. It's not like we told him, no, don't ever talk to us again. We talked to him probably three to five times in the hospital. Then we go home in hospice, we have another zoom telehealth meeting with them. And it was a hard no. And then we did another one. And we're like, but still doesn't seem like her quality of life's gonna improve too much. You're still going to the hospital every single time you have a fever. Like, you're still, like, it distills a lot of sticking.

Well, then you're gonna trade, like, so.

You'Re trading one disease for another. And I'm not saying to eat. Everyone has to be obedient to what the Lord calls them to. And some people, that is a liver. And for us it wasn't. And so. Or at the time we thought it wasn't. And so then, like I said, the week before she got sick, we met with the doctor. I swear, it felt like the sixth time because I didn't want to be close minded. I was like, I don't want me to get in the way if the Lord, if something's supposed to happen, I want to be obedient. So I told the doctor, I said, why don't you go? You know, I'm gonna give you the thumbs up to start the insurance process approval. We meet with our genetics doctor on the 6th. No, on the 8th. April 8th. She passed away April 6th. But I was like, you start your process. We're gonna talk to them. I was like, but I just want to be ready for when the Lord does say yes.

Yeah.

Is how I felt and how. And my husband was like, I'm. We were. It was because she was thriving. Like, thriving.

I mean, she was so chunky. I mean, just like eating and thriving.

Sleeping through the night, growing, laughing, the happiest baby, like, so full of joy and like, radiant. Like, I did always feel like you are, like, straight from heaven. Like, too Good to be true. Like, which I know that's not. You know, it's the Lord radiant.

But her little eyes, like, every time you posted a picture of her on Instagram, and, like, it makes me want to cry because every time I looked at her, like, her little eyes, like, you could tell she was from heaven. Like, it was not.

And heaven was her home.

Heaven was her home.

Yeah. So when. I feel like, to my core that when we started saying yes to the liver because, like, she's thriving, why would we. We don't want to hold her back.

Right.

We've also said we'll fight for whatever. Like, we will. Whatever you need. I was like, mommy will do it. You tell me. I'll do it. Like, I will move mountains. I will take you to other cities. I will do whatever is necessary. But we. I mean, and I'm not. We loved Vanderbilt. We loved everybody. But that wasn't what the Lord was telling me to do. Like, and it wasn't like, it was all with love and kindness and gentleness, and she. We were wanting to do what she wanted to do and following her lead. And she loved being at home. Every time we'd go in for anything, there was always. It was always something. It was like, you knew that's not where she wanted to be. The G tube was rough. It was supposed to be easy. That's an easy procedure. But for her and her condition, it was not good. And she struggled and we struggled, and.

That caused her ammonia to spike when.

She got her G tube, didn't it?

Yeah.

And, you know, I know when you first started posting about her and how high her ammonia got, and then to see, like, you would have thought that there would have been just huge delight.

Yeah.

And just to see her and to smile and her milestones, the things that she was hitting.

I agree. Well, and I also felt like when she started sleeping through the night is when she started those hitting milestones. It was wild. I was like, sleep is so healing.

Healing, yes.

So healing to the brain. She was having five to six seizures an hour in the hospital, and so she needed sleep. Sleep is so healing. And, like, you don't get that good, deep sleep in the hospital. You just don't. So taking her home, I truly, to my core, believe gave us more time with her. It was so healing. She was as healthy as she would have ever been this side of heaven.

Yeah.

I believe right before she passed. And then her ammonia went up and spiked. And we went into the hospital to be sure it was Harmonia. I'm like, is something else going on? And it was. And we kind of talked about, can we lower it? Do you know? Do we lower it? And we tried as naturally and safely as we could. And then she. She was not having it. And we were like. Both my husband and I were like, is this her? Like, how do we. You know, where do we stand? How do we feel? Does this mean, like, get a liver? Does this mean she doesn't. Like, she doesn't want to be here? She wants to be home. And we ultimately felt like heaven was her home and that heaven's better. I have bracelets to say heaven's better, because why would I keep her from heaven? Like, I felt like, who am I to get in the way of her? And I told her that early on, I was like. Like, lillian, Mommy loves you so much, but, like, if you want to go be with Jesus, you can. I wanted her to have that permission, but if you want to be here, Mommy will love all the time with you. And so it was kind of whatever she wanted. And we just felt like she was ready to go be with Jesus. And it sucks for us. This side of heaven, it. It truly is gutting. But for her, because we truly believe in the character of God, she's in his glory. She is kicking, and she throw her head around like, she is basking in his glory. And she is good. She's healthy. She's whole. She's never going to be poked again. She's never going to be stuck again. She is the one who has it good. And so that's where we find our joy, is that she is taking care of her. She is so good. And we will be with her again. And this side of heaven is so temporary. Heaven is eternal. Like, when Jesus comes back again, there will be a new earth and a new heaven, and it will be eternal. And so that is what we're clinging to. And that's why we still have so much joy amidst so much grief. We absolutely cry and scream and kick and feel all of the feelings that come with every bit of that. But what blows our mind is we do still have joy. Yeah, we still laugh. We still talk. We talk about her all the time. We watch videos of her laughing all the time. And we have so much peace. Like, we. Don't you have peace about it? Yeah, about every decision we made, because we felt like we were just being prayerful. And that's why I'm saying, like, my decisions are not necessarily for other people's decisions.

Like, well, I'm sure that there were People especially, I can only imagine with you having a large account on Instagram, you're, you know, out there on social media. I can only imagine that people see in your story because you post very vulnerably online and very real and very raw. That's healing for other people. It's encouraging. It's inspirational. But I can also imagine that people just feel like they know you, right, because we see some of your life. So automatically I know everything about you, and I know what's good for you. And I can only imagine some of the things that people have probably said to you, and some helpful, some hurtful, maybe. And I. I don't know how I would have been able to. I would have probably just had to turn that off for a minute because there were definitely.

Well, and in the first month of the hospital, I did just turn. I wouldn't respond. I went open one DM because I didn't have the capacity. I blocked a few people if they were kind of starting with the. How dare you? And, like, you know, there's options. Why are you not doing this? Why are you not doing that? And I'm like, my journey and her journey are all about heaven. And, like, whatever the Lord is calling her to and calling us to, it's not about you and your story and.

Your journey and your story and your journey's fine, right?

If the Lord calls you that, that's great. But I also know the Holy Spirit's so gentle and so kind, and someone coming at you is coming from the spirit. So I'm like, if you're living with.

That much animosity towards somebody you don't even know, you just think you know.

Me coming at me. I'm like, whoa. Like, I will pray for you, and I'm gonna block you.

Yeah.

Because at the same time, at the.

Same time, Lord, bless her, be with her. But not today. Yeah, like, we're not doing that. And so, yeah, it's definitely been challenging, but it's also been so incredible to see the way that the Lord has used Lily Ann. Her nine months have had more impact.

I can only imagine.

Just what I see about it just is insane. Like, I just know she's just happy as could be in heaven, smiling. And the Lord has been so kind to give me visuals and pictures of her. It has been so sweet. But, like, the messages of hope and of freedom and of, like, they're saying, my faith and my strength, and I'm like, no, no, it's the Lord in me. The Lord's given me this kind of strength. He is the one who does the doing. But they're all like, I'm going to church again. Or, I started praying for Lily Ann, and I saw what it did in my own life, and I saw the Lord was real, and I saw that he was good. And it's those kind of things. I'm like, there's a reason why this was her story.

I could only imagine the story of hope that she carried. She carried her life was a legacy in it daily. And it was just very evident to anybody that's seen her on your social media, her life was a legacy from the beginning. And I could only imagine how many people seen her story that gained hope. And maybe you may never know on this side of heaven how many people are believers now just because of her story and that story of hope. And you also, I'm sure you have a community. You know, we've said that a couple times, but just a community around you, too, now to help you and to help hold you up and because, you know, it's. I think it's easy for us. It's almost like we think sometimes to.

Say, oh, you're so strong.

And we think that's the best thing to say, but I just don't know how smart it is for us sometimes to say, oh, you're so strong. Because nobody knows how they would be in this situation unless they're put in this situation.

Right. You never don't have a choice.

You don't have a choice but to carry on.

Right?

Yes. And so that was kind of our thing is like, the world's gonna keep spinning, and we have a choice to get up and honor her and the Lord and glorify the Lord through this journey, or to sit down in our grief. And, you know, and we do. We honor the grief and the sadness, and we sit down in it plenty. But we knew we wanted to make her proud, and we wanna make heaven crowded and we want to share her story. And it's so wild to me when I've been asked to be on podcasts and I've done two others now, just because of timing and going on, I feel like the Lord gives me all this strength and courage, but then I'll be darn. When you post this thing, I'm, like, nervous. It is wild because it's like, in my flesh, I'm terrified, but in the spirit, I'm so confident. And people do. They say that all the time about how confident I am. And I'm like, it's the Lord. It's like, truly knowing that this is what he's called us to. And we are looking forward to heaven. And we know that Lillian didn't suffer for a minute.

Yeah.

She was not in pain, I think the first month. I do have trouble with that. I know that that hospital mission was. There's some suffering involved, but it wasn't. It was for a reason. The Lord wanted her to make an impact. Catch enough. Like, I mean, she. She had a purpose, and she was able to make such a mark.

Gave her enough win behind herself. Because she made a mark.

Yes, exactly.

Yeah.

And so. Because I've always struggled with that, like, oh, just the. The trauma that she went through in that hospitalization and.

But it was enough to get her home.

It was. Yes. It was enough to get her home. And she did survive. And she got to then come home and be as healthy as she possibly could be. She got to go to the beach.

Seeing you at the beach and I mean, that literally is just what I think. You made a post about that one time on Instagram, and you were rocking her, and it's like, this is what heaven looks like. And that truly, I mean, if you think of that image and that golden sunshine, like, that is what you think about heaven looking like. And just the beauty. I know Joel Metamala. He made a post this past week on Instagram because of the tragedy at. In Texas at Camp Mystic. I haven't even been able to, really. I felt like a fraud even trying to be online this past week, just, like, holding space and just grieving for them. But he just made a post about babies dying and going to heaven and what that looks like. You'll have to read that. I'll have to send that to you because it is absolutely beautiful. And he uses scripture and how he talks about in there, how the Lord talks about nursing babies in heaven. And it just. We know that even though we can't wrap our minds around that. Once you read the. Once you read scripture and you put that together, it's like, even though we don't understand it, this has been a part of God's plan all along. Even though it's hard for us.

Right. And he can use even the worst things. What the enemy does for bad, the Lord can use for good always. And so I. Yes. I've been so gutted by everything that's happened in Texas. And I have. I mean, I'm like, really? Like, okay, one. I wish. I mean, I don't. I obviously don't wish that what happened to Lillian was our story, but If. If no one else ever experienced child loss again and we, we all took one, like, one for the team. Like, I'd be like, good with that. I'm like, why does it kills me when moms message me saying they can relate and that they've had experienced child loss? I'm like, no. Like, oh, I'm so sorry. And I hope you feel his nearness the way that I do. I hope you do. And so I've been praying for these moms to feel the nearness of the Holy Spirit in this season. But then for the little girls, all I think about, though is them. Like that picture that's also been shared of them running to Jesus. Yes, they are, like, loving. I mean, heaven is incredible. Heaven is better. Heaven is better than our best day. Heaven's better than Bora Bora. Heaven is better than anything we could think of. That would be great. It's better. So, yes, I'm absolutely praying for those mamas, that they feel the nearness of the Lord and so sicken for that, but really praying that the Lord will make this story about heaven and his name and his glory and his goodness and. I mean, aren't they like Christian camps?

It was a Christian camp. I mean, yeah, that little girls and it was a girl. That one, I know that Camp Mystic, I think where a lot of them were, was a Christian camp and it was an all girls camp. And I think the camp, the director died trying to save them. Like, save some of them. And I can't. I can't even wrap my mind around it. But then that's the one thing that I keep thinking is their home.

Like, that's our eternal home. And this is one thing that did bless me, that somebody shared. People share all sorts of things, but this one did bless me. And it was this. I don't even know how it fully worded it, but it was like, time in heaven is different. It's not the same as it is here. So what feels long and slow and forever for us, it's time. Like, I think a minute in heaven is a thousand years here. So. But Tom, she's just basking in his glory. I've heard. Literally felt like she's told me he's everything. Like, he is everything mommy, like, so I know she's good. And so I picture like, so she's just basking his glory. She hadn't even missed me yet, which I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful for. So I'm like, you enjoy his glory. And then before she even looks to be like. Like, where's Mommy and Daddy? We'll be there.

Yeah.

Like, it'll be a blink of time. So I'm like, she's good. And that's what brings me so much peace. So I do. I pray that over these mamas in Texas that they just know that their babies are good.

That's what I was gonna say before we close, is if there is one thing through choose joy nursing or just choose joy. Give grace. Or just as Lauren Johnson, for any mama experiencing any loss or grief or heartache, what is just one piece of advice? Not even really advice, just a rhythm, just a habit, Something. If it's reading your Bible, like, what helps you get through that? You would say, maybe this is something that you want to look into.

Yeah, I would. Thousand persons say, get in the Word and get to know God's character. Because even the Bible, like, it's. Some of those stories are brutal. It's wild. I mean, there's so much loss if we think we're going through loss. Like, I mean, it's so much loss. But God is still good. And so knowing that God is still good, that practicing gratitude, even in the grief, will bless you. Leaning on the Lord, reading the Bible, turning on worship music, crying out to God, he can handle your fears. He can handle your anger. And I would just say, take it all to the cross.

That's what I was gonna ask you when you feel angry. When in that stage. Because obviously in grief, I mean, you can be having a perfect day and grief can hit you and out of nowhere. And of course, it has so many.

Phases and not linear.

No. And you can cycle through them, but.

You can come back to it.

Yeah.

And that. That's what I was going to say. I can only imagine that the only way to be able to get through it is truly just to praise.

Yeah.

During that time, even when you're angry.

Singing worship songs on your knees, crying out, praising God because he's good anyway.

Yeah.

And declaring that over yourself, declaring it over your family, declaring it over your home, that God is good even when our circumstances are not. And ultimately we all deserve death. Like we. Jesus died for us to all be in eternity together if we only choose to believe and accept that. And I believe all babies obviously go to heaven, and we are all gonna get to be in God's glory and I'll be together for eternity. So I would really say focus on heaven. Like, know that we're living for heaven. This life is temporary.

Yeah.

It's so temporary. We're living for heaven. So what has God called you to do now? This side of heaven?

Yeah.

And that's where I just feel like I'm in the same boat right there with them, that I'm just trying to be obedient. Day by day, step by step, like all the motions. Like, I hold space for all of them. If I need to cancel something, I cancel something. If I need to eat something, I eat something. If I need to work out or move or not move at all, like, I'm doing what I feel like my body needs to do and trusting that the Lord's gonna lead us. And in business, I'm like, all right, God, like this side of heaven, tell me what you want me to do, because I'm just. I'm ready. I'm like, lord, anytime.

Yeah.

Like, I'm ready for heaven. So in the meantime, I'm just gonna try to be obedient the best I can.

Yeah.

So before we.

Before I let you go, I always end our episodes with. We call it the final five. It's like a little lightning round, little bonus round. So we have five little questions. Just the first thing that comes to your mind. What's one thing you wish you could go back and tell yourself? The very first days of building? Choose joy. Give grace or choose joy nursing.

You're gonna make it.

Gonna make it. I knew you were gonna say that. I looked at your face and I knew you were gonna say that.

That makes, like, little Lauren, so proud and emotional. But I don't know if y' all.

Knew that, but I just love that.

And sometimes I feel like we haven't even fully made it, but I feel like we're gonna make it. Yes, we are gonna. We are gonna make it.

Yeah.

I knew it.

Did you would ask. It felt like such a leap of faith. Faith. Because at one point, when I did leave my. My high school job with 401k instability to take this risk, I mean, it was. That was a. That was a risk.

Oh, yeah.

I was like, oh, yeah, Jesus, be near. But we felt like we were. I mean, the Lord provided, and he did. He opened the right doors.

What is a book or a podcast or a song? What is something right now that is your go to.

Oh, gosh, that's so good. Right now, though, I just say Bible recap.

Yep.

I'll open up any episode. I'll go to any day I'll open up. If I have more free time and I'm needing anything right now, I'm. If I'm listening to anything, it's the Bible being read to me out loud. And then I let Terry Lee tell me what it meant, because my reading comprehension is terrible. So when I hear her explain what just happened, I'm like, wait, what? I thought that was a good guy. And now I'm confused. So I laugh and laugh at my friends, and, like, when I text them what I thought the Bible meant, and then they're like, I hear what it really did, and I'm like, good. Good thing I'm listening to the recap.

Right?

Because I misunderstood.

Yeah.

I was, like, underlining, like, yeah. And then I was like, oh, that's.

Not what they did at all. Anyway, what is your go to coffee order right now? And I need all the deets.

Okay. I'm obsessed with home coffee.

Me too.

And I want nut pods. Like, I started nut pods because I whole 30, and now I can't go.

Now you can't stop them.

Now I can't stop them. I do the marshmallow nut pods. And to me, because it has no added sugar, and because I'm so used to it, it's like a delicacy.

Yeah.

It's like, especially when you do a whole 30 and you're not having all the sugar, and you're kind of just trying to, like, eat whole foods. It is like it's candy. You're like. And then my friends try, and they're like, ooh, this doesn't have any sugar in it. I'm like, to me, it tastes so sweet because I've removed so many extra sugars.

Yeah.

So I can't really eat. Get coffees out as much and enjoy them. If I'm out and about, I'll get, like, a matcha with almond milk, but it may be some honey, but depends on the matcha. If it has added sweetener, then.

Then you don't do it.

I can't do it. It's too sweet.

Yeah.

But home coffee Bones has one called It's s' more flavored beans. I get the whole beans. My coffee machine grinds the beans, then makes the pot of coffee. So it's s' more hinted. You know how if it's beans, it's like a hint, like an essence of s'.

More.

So it's a little s' more ish. And then I have marshmallow creamer. Oh, my gosh, it's so good.

I'm gonna have to try that.

So good. I'm obsessed.

I think it's really good.

I'm obsessed.

What is one? And I already think I feel Like, I know the answer to this one, but what's one daily rhythm or habit that helps you stay grounded?

My journal.

Yeah.

Every day.

I knew you were gonna say that one. And I love that. Yeah, I love that.

Well, because it's. I'm not even saying just gratitude or just prayer or just reading the Bible. My journal has all of it.

Has all of it.

Yeah.

And so I schedule my day and. And for some people who are really type A, which, believe it or not, I'm not. That's why I hire people to help who are. Because I'm just all over the place for, you know, whatever. All that to say I can schedule in stillness and I can schedule in. I put Bible recap on my. Like, that is a plan for me to do.

Yeah.

So it's just the journal as a whole, because for me, it's all become a part of my daily routine.

Yeah.

And then the last one is, what is your current go to product? Something you're loving, like your baby. Can't leave home without it. Oh, gotta share with your. Gotta share with your girls.

Yes, share with your girls. Oh, goodness. Okay, well, dry shampoo is like. I mean, what is your favorite dry.

What is your favorite dry shampoo?

The. Is it living Proof Lift Living. Yeah, I think that one's like. Like, so good.

Yes.

I love carousels, too, but it just kind of depends on where I am. If I'm out and about and I'm gone. Grab one because I'm desperate, because I have 500.

Yeah.

But they're never where you need them to be when you need them. But I only wash my hair once a week, so I love. It's a hot, maybe dry shampoo. But I'm also just like. I love a good highlighter. I love a sparkle, like a good highlighter. But, like, does that. I don't know. It depends on what my. One. I don't know.

I started using. I think it's a crown affair.

Have you heard of that?

Oh, my gosh. It's like natural dry hair shampoo. It comes in, like. Looks like a little old grandma. You know, that Cody powder that. Where your grandma used to use or whatever. But it smells so good, and it's like powder and it's like a brush.

Oh, I love that.

Oh, my gosh.

Okay. Okay. A brush sounds cool.

Oh, my God, it smells so good.

Actually, I've used. I think. I don't even know how to say it. It's in this, like, purple pump, and it's natural. It's a powder. And that one will work great, too. I wish I knew the name. They'd love for me to know the name, I'm sure, but I'll have to.

But I like. I like those, too.

Yeah, I'm just like. Well, sometimes I try to be a little chemical free and I'll try to avoid things, but sometimes you're just desperate.

I try to.

You know, desperate times call for desperate measures.

I'm so thankful you were here with me.

This is so special. Thank you. I'm so glad we finally got to do it. And I think the Lord was just so intentional that this was. This was our time. This is. We had to tell the whole story to the whole.

To the whole story.

Yeah. And I mean, it's still being lived out. I mean. Yeah, we're just in the beginning.

Oh, you'll be living this story out. You'll be living Lillian's story forever until you're home. Yeah.

Until I'm in heaven. Until I go get to be with her. I will be sharing her story. And I'm just so honored to get to share her story. And I feel so privileged to get to share her story. And. Yeah, that's my mission this side of heaven, is to talk about her and her legacy in heaven. Like that. God is so good. Even when our circumstances, even when life.

Hurts and life is still so good.

He's so good.

Yeah.

Thank you so much. Well, friends, until next time. We love y'.

All.

Bye.

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