Are you friends with an a***hole?

Forgive the language, but are you friends with an asshole? This might seem a totally unrelated question, but this is something that I often ask people when I'm coaching them my online programs as well. And I do that because it's a really good way to illustrate a concept called unconditional positive regard. This is one of Carl Rogers three core concepts that we've been talking about the last couple of weeks that we have to embody if we're going to be able to say we are genuinely patient centered and not what I call patient centered, light, meaning we, we act like we think we're a bit patient centered, but we're not really embodying it. So what I ask if you're friends with an asshole. Well, the reason is, is that if you think about it, you can probably come up with a few examples of people you've met who either were assholes or maybe dated them. You know, think of somebody, think they were just terrible. They, they really mess you around in a relationship, they really hurt you, or they really messed your friend around. You know, they took advantage of them, they broke up with them in a really mean way. Somebody go like, that was just terrible. That is not a good person. So pause this for a minute if you have to, but I bet it won't take very long to think of somebody like that. Now I'm going to ask you is, are you friends with anyone like that? You may have to pause to think, but I bet you're probably not. And the funny thing is, when I ask this, in a room full of people, everyone's hands go up saying, yep, I know someone like that. Everyone's hands go down when I ask, are they friends with them? Yeah, if you, if you think about this person, they had friends, right? So that the mathematics don't really add up. Some of us have to be friends with these kind of people. Why is it that we see them in one way but other people do in another? Well, it's because of our conditions around positive regards. So conditional positive regard, the opposite of what we're trying to do is basically saying that somebody has to act a certain way in order for us to like and respect them. And when we're friends with somebody, we relax those conditions right down. So you may know, say your friend treats somebody really badly. Your friend would go, they're an asshole, don't like them, Sorry, not your friend. The other person would do that. But you may turn around and go, well, yeah, no, I know it seems that way. But in reality there's this, there's that the other. Well, they're just a bit like this. You don't get them, you don't understand them. You know, you would create excuses for them and you would have more respect for them than other people would. That is because the conditions you've put on positive regard, the feeling well about them are lower. And this is something that we should be trying to do with our patients. So something that often happens for many of us is that we end up having this conditional positive regard. So basically, we have a patient who, let's say they don't follow the advice, they don't stick with the plan, and many people will then write them off, go out. They just don't really want to get better. They're just not that motivated. They're just not a great patient. They're lazy. You know, you essentially say, well, they didn't meet the conditions for me to respect them, so I'm not going to respect them. And that's something that we need to get out of him. And to do that, I want to use this quote. This is something that I use in a lot of my talks, my lectures and courses. So I'm going to bring this up on screen because this is a great way to highlight this. And the quote is this. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle that you know nothing about. Be kind always. This is a great, great definition of positive, of unconditional positive regard. Because, yes, you may go, oh, they didn't bother to do it. They don't want to get better. You may not know that the patient has an elderly parent who's sick. Maybe they are going through a really bitter, terrible divorce. Maybe their kid is really struggling in school and suffering with their mental health. Maybe they've just lost a pet. Maybe they're about to lose their house. You don't know what's going on. And if you're not fighting a battle right now, I bet somebody close to you is. And if not, that's going to happen very soon. So it's really important to remember that our patients are often fighting battles we don't know and to really hammer this home. I want to let you know who actually came up with this quote, because if you don't know this, to me it makes it so much more poignant. This was a quote from Robin Williams, beloved actor, you know, one of the funniest people out there, one of the most beloved actors going, robin Williams took his own life. He committed suicide. He had battled with mental health all his life, and many, many people didn't even know that before. So he was a tragic example of this being true. Many people did not know that was the case for Robin Williams. So the reason I share this with you is this unconditional positive regard is something that we need to try and practice with patients. And the way to do that is you want, if you feel like they've done something that you don't agree with, is separate the behavior from the person. You know, patients may do things that you don't agree with. I often have patients who will do something where I disapprove of what they did, but that does not mean I disapprove of them as a person. I still do my best and it is an ideal frame for. And I'm not perfect every day either, but I work towards having that unconditional positive regard for them. And if they do things I don't agree with, I separate the action from the person. So have a think about that. Because if you can't do that fundamentally you are always going to struggle. You're always never going to make the right connection with patients and you cannot be genuinely patient centered. So that's something to aim towards. Have a think about that. Separate the person out from the action and then I'll see you soon. For the next one, we're going to talk about congruence. We're taking that word back from the vitalistic stage speakers because they're not using it the right way. I'll see you then.