Mariko Bangerter explains the four primary attachment styles—secure, ambivalent/anxious, avoidant/dismissive, and disorganized—detailing their emotional traits and relational patterns. She expands the definition of trauma beyond life‑threatening events to any situation that overwhelms an individual's capacity to cope, emphasizing its subjective nature. Bangerter outlines a multi‑step approach to healing trauma: (1) acknowledging its presence, (2) processing it cognitively and somatically, and (3) employing body‑oriented techniques such as EFT tapping, EMDR, massage, dance, and inner‑child work that engage the nervous system and subconscious mind. Finally, she describes self‑love as an active, ongoing practice, urging acceptance of all emotions, reflective work on past experiences of unworthiness, and the affirmation that unconditional love is a birthright. Throughout, she uses a compassionate, instructional tone, encouraging listeners to adopt these practices for personal growth.
Chapters
there are 4 different styles of attachment. So there's the secure attachment, which unfortunately is not as common as we would like. And someone who has a secure attachment style really has high self-esteem, feels secure in themselves, and therefore able to go out and explore the world with confidence, with curiosity, And this type of person also is very in tune with their emotions and comfortable with intimacy. Then we have the ambivalent or anxious attachment style, and this is someone who in relationships may be called needy, whiny, high maintenance, for example. And these people have this deep-rooted fear that they will be abandoned or their needs won't be met by this other person. They will be left, that the person will leave them. Then we have another form of insecure attachment, which is the avoidant, or also known as dismissive avoidant. And this type of person would likely be called aloof, emotionally unavailable. And this type of person in relationship would tend to have the, the subconscious belief that they don't really need a relationship, that perhaps, you know, underneath that belief it would be that it's actually unsafe to rely on someone else. So yeah, they tend to appear aloof in relationships or emotionally distant. Then the fourth type of attachment style is disorganized, and it's a combination of the previous two. This person would show behaviors on both sides of the spectrum, so also not very comfortable expressing emotion, but also someone who doesn't actually trust relationships and intimacy and perhaps believes that relationships are actually a power play. Trauma is any event or situation that leaves you feeling like there's a threat to your survival and this doesn't have to be literal, or a situation in which you really feel like you're unable to cope, that you do not have the capacity to cope. So traditionally, we really thought that trauma had to involve something very big and dramatic, life-threatening, literally life-threatening. So, you know, we refer to people coming back from war zones and things when we talked about trauma. But now it's understood that actually any event in which it leaves you feeling like you do not have the capacity to cope can be traumatic. So of course, this is highly individual and depends on this sensitivity of the individual. So often, I think people underestimate what is actually a trauma for them in their lives. To heal trauma, Number 1, the first step is to actually acknowledge that you have trauma that needs to be healed. And that actually, as simple as it sounds, is a big step because it relies on you admitting, acknowledging that there is a problem. To heal trauma, number 1, the first step is to actually acknowledge that you have trauma that needs to be healed. And that actually, as simple as it sounds, is a big step because it relies on you admitting, acknowledging that there is a problem. Number 3, once you have that awareness, it's not enough. It requires processing. So processing and truly resolving that trauma. And, you know, I'm very passionate about this topic, but I believe to do this effectively, it requires not just a cognitive understanding of the trauma itself, but almost a visceral processing. You see, because anytime that there was a traumatic situation in the past, of course, it wasn't just our isolated minds and brains that experienced or went through that trauma, but our entire body, our nervous system, everything went through that as one holistic system. So therefore, I believe the key to truly processing and healing that trauma also requires the body, not just the mind. So therefore, any kind of technique that does engage the body, that has like a somatic element maybe— and I think the best techniques do this, and I would say the best techniques also involve communication with the subconscious mind. So as an example, you know, things like You know, one of my favorites, as you know, EFT tapping really does help you to process trauma, body and mind. Also things like EMDR. In these beautiful books on trauma, they say that massage and dance is so therapeutic. So again, something about shifting, working the trauma out of your system, out of your body. And I think a very beautiful and poetic way to do this too is inner child work. So what that means is showing up for yourself, for your past wounds, showing up for your inner child, the part of you that was hurt at that age. So it's developing this connection to yourself where you acknowledge and connect to your inner child at the age in which the trauma happened. And really holding space for that child within you. Because at the time of the trauma, nobody could hold space for that child, because that's what makes it a trauma. What makes it a trauma is that you were unsupported and felt like you were unable to cope in that situation. You were alone, essentially. Self-love is really not a— it's not a noun, it's a verb. It's a continual process. It's a continual commitment. So day in, day out, there are certain practices, the way that you talk to yourself, the way that you think about yourself, because actually thinking about yourself is not a passive thing. We can actually determine and condition the way we think about ourselves, the choices that we make. Each choice can be a choice for self-love. And I think the most important ways in which to practice and cultivate self-love are allowing and choosing to accept your emotions. Whatever emotion arises for you, we are not meant to be at war with our emotions. That's step number 1, is to cultivate self-love, to fully accept, unconditionally accept your emotions, your feelings. Because by not accepting them, you are in resistance to you, to what is. That means you're at war with yourself. Number 2, it's this process of looking back at the past, looking back at the times in which you felt inadequate, when you experienced rejection, when you felt like you were unworthy of love. Because actually this all comes down to this key point, love and unworthiness of love. But looking back at those moments, and like I said, processing them in order to understand that you are unconditionally lovable, that is your birthright. You deserve to be loved no matter what you do, no matter what your test score is, no matter how many friends you have, no matter how many times you've been dumped, you are unconditionally lovable. It's your birthright, but it begins with yourself. You need to be the one to give yourself that love, to love yourself unconditionally.
