Sustainable Relationships, Attracting Love, Self-Love & Attachment Theory

This episode is brought to you by Somavedic. Somavedic frequency therapy devices reliably mitigate the unwanted influences of EMF radiation from Wi-Fi, Bluetooth, and cell phones in our homes, schools, and workplaces. The technology creates a 360-degree protection field of 100 feet in all directions by administering controlled release of energy from precious and semi-precious stones. The devices also support the body's natural regeneration processes, allowing for better sleep, energy levels, and hydration while reducing stress and anxiety. So check out somavedic.com and start feeling the benefits today. Hello, life optimization friends. This is your host Claudia von Boeselager, and welcome to the Longevity and Lifestyle Podcast, where I I invite pioneers and thought leaders in all things longevity and lifestyle to give you the strategies, tools, and practices to live better and reach your highest potential. As you may know, the world's longest-standing study on longevity from Harvard, which started in 1938 and still going, shows us how important relationships are, not only for longevity, but for the quality and happiness of our lives. And that's what we cover in today's episode with my guest back on for round 2 after a popular first conversation, Mariko Bangertum. Mariko is a certified EFT or tapping practitioner, hypnotherapist, mindset coach, and regression therapist in training. She has a background as a chef and as a qualified nutritional therapist and is a lecturer at the College of Naturopathic Medicine in London. In her practice, Mindsetting with Mariko, she helps people with anxiety and confidence issues gain self-worth, overcome self-sabotage, and create healthier relationships. She works with people worldwide, online, one-to-one, and in her group programs. In this episode, we dig into how we show up in relationships, what trauma really is, the effect attachment theory, model behavior, and cultural backgrounds have on us, how to attract and sustain a healthy relationship, steps to transformation in relationships, what self-love is and how we cultivate it, simple tools to get started with now, and much more. Before we begin, please hit subscribe to the podcast and leave a comment to let me know what you think. It takes less than 60 seconds but helps me to get the best guests and content for you. So thank you and please enjoy.

Welcome back to the Longevity and Lifestyle Podcast, Mariko. It's such a pleasure to have you back on today.

Thank you, Claudia. It's a pleasure to be here. I enjoy our chats very much.

Me too. So I'm very excited for today's conversation because it's all about relationships. Why do so many people struggle to find and maintain a healthy relationship, Mariko?

This is a really interesting question, and indeed it is true. I think it is seeming to be harder and harder to, to find and then, yeah, sustain, maintain a healthy intimate or romantic relationship. And I think the answer is manyfold. Well, there's a few different angles to your answer, but number one, the way that we show up in relationships is greatly informed by our attachment style. So attachment theory was developed by an English psychologist in the '50s called John Bowlby, and also followed by Mary Ainsworth, in which they really understood, and by studying infants and their behaviors, that the relationship that infants would have to their primary caregiver would greatly influence their future relationships, their future behavior, the way they would show up in all kinds of relationships, you know, in different contexts at work, in their romantic relationships. And also would inform the way they, I guess, the way they show up in the world, their level of self-esteem, confidence in exploring the external world. So the way in which our attachment style is formed in very early infancy by our relationship with our primary caregiver, and by the way, primary caregiver doesn't necessarily mean the person with whom we spend the most amount of time, but rather the person who really engages with us sensitively, who can understand our cues, obviously nonverbal as a baby, eye contact, can engage with us in social interactions. And that attachment that we form to that primary caregiver then becomes this incredible blueprint for the way in which we show up in other relationships in future and in our lives. And so there are 4 different styles of attachment. So there's the secure attachment, which unfortunately is not as common as we would like. And someone who has a secure attachment style really has high self-esteem, feels secure in themselves, and therefore able to go out and explore the world with confidence, with curiosity, and this type of person also is very in tune with their emotions and comfortable with intimacy. Then we have the ambivalent or anxious attachment style, and this is someone who in relationships may be called needy, whiny, high maintenance, for example, and these people have this deep-rooted fear that they will be abandoned or their needs won't be met by this other person. They will be left, that the person will leave them. Then we have another form of insecure attachment, which is the avoidant, or also known as dismissive avoidant. And this type of person would likely be called aloof, emotionally unavailable, And this type of person in relationship would tend to have the subconscious belief that they don't really need a relationship, that perhaps, you know, underneath that belief it would be that it's actually unsafe to rely on someone else. So yeah, they tend to appear aloof in relationships or emotionally distant. Then the fourth type of attachment style is disorganized, and it's a combination of the previous two. This person would show behaviors on both sides of the spectrum, so also not very comfortable expressing emotion, but also someone who doesn't actually trust relationships and intimacy, and perhaps believes that relationships are actually a power play. So we have these 4 different attachment styles that are formed quite early on. And it's not to say that that's the be-all and end-all. Other things in life can greatly influence these attachment styles, such as relationships that you have in adolescence or in early adulthood, or perhaps, you know, close friendships that you develop with peers, or maybe, you know, other important relationships in your life— student-teacher, or to extended members of the family. Other things can influence this. And indeed, even if you have an insecure attachment style, if you do end up in a relationship with a securely attached person, then chances are that's really gonna positively influence you to begin to become more in tune with your emotions, to become more comfortable with intimacy, expressing your needs, and getting those needs met in relationship. So, you know, that's one part to the answer to your question. Why do we find it so difficult to attract and then maintain a healthy relationship? Our attachment style definitely is a big part of that. Secondly, I would say, in answer to that question, is what we grow up observing. And usually this greatest influence is our parents, or the main romantic relationship, or the first romantic relationship that we see. So usually this is that of our parents. And the lack thereof. You know, if you grow up in a single-parent household or in a household where perhaps one of your parents is constantly dating and not in a stable, secure relationship, that's also going to greatly inform your future belief systems around romantic relationships. You know, a child who grows up in a broken home or with divorced parents You know, to that child, perhaps a secure, healthy, monogamous relationship is a myth. And also, this is highly nuanced. For example, I could give you the example of the way I grew up. My father is Swiss, my mother is Japanese, and those are two very, very different cultures in the way in which they, for example, show affection. So in Japan and many of those Eastern or Asian countries, public displays of affection are just not done. It's frowned upon, almost taboo actually. Whereas my father from the West is very affectionate, tactile, in need of affection. And so I grew up observing this— my father kind of showing, displaying signs of affection, my mother kind of not really being cold but not expressing that so much, at least, you know, in front of us, the kids. And I could see how much that influenced the way I show up in relationships, and perhaps not being very comfortable being touchy-feely, actually. And I think a lot of people with an Asian background will agree with me there. And as well as an adjunct to what I'm saying here are not just that first role model, the primary relationship that we see in our parents, but also, like I said, the cultural background. And I would say even ancestral. Ancestral patterns. Often when I work with people, I do notice a pattern in relationship, romantic relationship dynamics. So there might be like a history of women in abusive relationships in their ancestry, for example. And I would say that these patterns also play out and they play out subconsciously. And it's when we can become conscious and see these patterns that is the first step to changing them.

That's so helpful, Maiko. Thank you for running through those 3 points, because I think with attachment theory, it's such an interesting way to better understand sort of what might be happening in a relationship or with oneself. So as you said as well, the first step is the awareness, and, you know, even just doing a self-assessment of, you know, how do I, or, you know, how does the partner relationship that you're in react to certain things, and what's the dynamic? And the nice thing is that it's sealable, right? So it can be fixed and changed as well. Let's talk about relationship trauma. How would you define trauma?

Trauma is any event or situation that leaves you feeling like there's a threat to your survival, and this doesn't have to be literal, or a situation in which you really feel like you're unable to cope, that you do not have the capacity to cope. So Traditionally, we really thought that trauma had to involve something very big and dramatic, life-threatening, literally life-threatening. So, you know, we refer to people coming back from war zones and things when we talked about trauma. But now it's understood that actually any event in which it leaves you feeling like you do not have the capacity to cope can be traumatic. So of course, this is highly individual and depends on this sensitivity of the individual. So often I think people underestimate what is actually a trauma for them in their lives.

Untreated Mariko trauma, how does that manifest in adult lives? What are some typical telltale signs of unresolved trauma?

Well, I would say it manifests everywhere and anyhow, but I mean, from the micro to the macro, if you look at the world around us with all the wars and all the conflict, that is a manifestation of unhealed trauma. And you can see it to the very top— the prime ministers, the presidents. I mean, these are all people with unhealed trauma. And, you know, Gabor Mate talks a lot about this, but it's so obvious because the point is Unhealed trauma is probably the most dangerous thing that can occur. Somebody who hasn't healed trauma is, I would say, the most dangerous person on Earth. And there's a lot of these people out there— most people, most people. Because to heal trauma, number one, the first step is to actually acknowledge that you have trauma that needs to be healed. And that actually, as simple as it sounds, is a big step because it relies on you admitting, acknowledging that there is a problem, right? So it's number one, becoming aware of a certain behavioral pattern, a certain reactivity that you have, the way in which you react in a certain situation that is not optimal. So that's the number one step, admitting that there's something not right here, that something needs work. And unfortunately, a lot of people don't make that first step. I would say, what, 75% of the population don't make that first step, that admission. Number 2, once you've acknowledged there's a problem, it requires you to then do some work to further develop that awareness of where the issue stems from. So working with a therapist of some kind can really give you this greater awareness. Number 3, once you have that awareness, it's not enough. It requires processing. So processing and truly resolving that trauma. And, you know, I'm very passionate about this topic, but I believe to do this effectively, it requires not just a cognitive understanding of the trauma itself, but almost a visceral processing. You see, because anytime that there was a traumatic situation in the past, of course, it wasn't just our isolated minds and brains that experienced or went through that trauma, but our entire body, our nervous system, everything went through that as one holistic system. So therefore, I believe the key to truly processing and healing that trauma also requires the body, not just the mind. So therefore, any kind of technique that does engage the body, that has like a somatic element maybe— and I think the best techniques do this, and I would say the best techniques also involve communication with the subconscious mind. So as an example, you know, things like, you know, one of my favorites, as you know, EFT tapping really does help you to process trauma, body and mind. Also things like EMDR. In these beautiful books on trauma, they say that massage and dance is so therapeutic. So again, something about shifting, working the trauma out of your system, out of your body. So those are the steps involved to heal trauma. And a big part of this, and I think a very beautiful and poetic way to do this too, is inner child work. So what that means is showing up for yourself, for your past wounds, showing up for your inner child, the part of you that was hurt at that age. So it's developing this connection to yourself where you acknowledge and connect to your inner child at the age in which the trauma happened. And really holding space for that child within you, because at the time of the trauma, nobody could hold space for that child, because that's what makes it a trauma. What makes it a trauma is that you were unsupported and felt like you were unable to cope in that situation. You were alone, essentially. So holding space for that child version, or the younger version of you, who went through the trauma in the first place. Now, what does holding space look like, right? Terms like holding space or self-love are kind of thrown around, but what does it actually mean? And what it means is truly sitting with and accepting without judgment the feelings that come up. And those feelings are going to be uncomfortable. You're going to feel very vulnerable, uncomfortable feelings like shame, like inadequacy, with thoughts like, I'm not good enough, and really sitting there with that. And as scary as this can be, when you really do it and sit with it and let yourself feel those emotions, feel what comes up, that is the definition of processing. And as you process those feelings right now in the present moment, you're actually processing the feelings that didn't get to get processed when the trauma happened. So there is a visceral release. And that release, I use the word visceral, but it is very physical. You can feel it. And you might feel it as tears. You might feel it as shakes, as different sensations in the body. But as you process them, you let them go. And when you let them go, they're gone for good. So, you know, it's so healing. And yes, it requires a bit of courage. And of course, you know, you can do this with therapists, practitioners who can really guide you and who can be there with you. But, you know, you can do this yourself in present day, because every single time you ignore and sweep under the rug an emotion that you're feeling that's uncomfortable, you're basically denying the feelings of your inner child. And so you're perpetuating the problem.

I think that's such a great explanation, and also for clarifying that holding space, because we hear that term, but what it means— but it's really going back to that emotion and that vulnerability and releasing that, which is just so powerful. And I know me personally, but you know, many people are used to just pushing it down or ignoring it, or that was a child or, you know, dismissing it, but actually it still sits there. So having that, first of all, the awareness and then the process to release it is just so powerful and also so wonderful that I think so many people, and up to a certain point myself included, some childhood trauma and things like that, that was sort of part of our identity was just accepted for, you know, it is what it is, but it's still affecting us. So only when you realize, no, that needs to be healed and you can live at a much different level. Thereafter. That's the power and the beauty of this as well, being aware, just not just accepting it for what it is and wanting to up your life a level by working through that difficult part, but knowing that what's on the other side is just so much more magical. So yeah, no, thank you for sharing that, Marika. So, Marika, what needs to happen in order for us to attract and maintain a healthy relationship?

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What needs to happen, simply put, which is actually not that simple, is to cultivate self-love. And again, self-love is, you know, a term that gets thrown around a lot. But what does it actually mean to love yourself? Self-love is really not a— it's not a noun, it's a verb. It's a continual process, it's a continual commitment. So day in, day out, there are certain practices— the way that you talk to yourself, the way that you think about yourself— because actually thinking about yourself is not a passive thing. We can actually determine and condition the way we think about ourselves. It's an active process. The choices that we make, each choice can be a choice for self-love. And I think the most important ways in which to practice and cultivate self-love are, like I mentioned before, but really allowing and choosing to accept your emotions. Whatever emotion arises for you. We are not meant to be at war with our emotions. Our emotions are simply a sign from the deepest part of us, our souls, if you like, telling us that something is working or not working, that something needs addressing or it doesn't need addressing. It's okay. So any uncomfortable you know, often termed negative emotion. I don't think any emotions are negative. They're just different colors on the spectrum of paint. They're all just trying to tell us something. If you're feeling jealous, you know, society conditions us to think that jealousy is an ugly emotion and we shouldn't feel it, we should suppress it. Or anger is an ugly emotion and we should suppress it. But actually, jealousy can be very, very useful. It can just point you in the direction of what it is you really want. You're jealous of something? Well, that's a sign that you want that thing. Anger can be a very useful emotion. Anger fuels beautiful changes in society. Anger gives you the fuel and the force to leave something that's not healthy for you. So that's step number 1, is to cultivate self-love, to fully accept, unconditionally accept your emotions, your feelings. Because by not accepting them, you are in resistance to you, to what is. That means you're at war with yourself. Number 2, it's this process of looking back at the past, looking back at the times in which you felt inadequate, when you experienced rejection, when you felt like you were unworthy of love, because actually this all comes down to this key point: love and unworthiness of love. But looking back at those moments, and like I said, processing them in order to understand that you are unconditionally lovable, that is your birthright. You deserve to be loved no matter what you do, no matter what your test score is, no matter how many friends you have, no matter how many times you've been dumped. You are unconditionally lovable. It's your birthright, but it begins with yourself. You need to be the one to give yourself that love, to love yourself unconditionally. That means no matter how you've behaved— sometimes you're going to behave in a way that's a little ugly, that's not ideal. Sometimes you're going to have reactions that aren't the most enlightened, but you know what? You still choose to love yourself. And that your worth, your self-worth, doesn't come from a condition. It actually is a birthright, and you're choosing to understand that you're worthy of love no matter what. That's really it. And that is an active process that you commit to doing every single day. So if a negative thought comes into your head, you know, we're all very familiar with our inner critic that pipes up like a broken record on cue, saying things like, "Oh, you can't do that," or, "You're going to fail. What's the point in trying? You're a fraud." You know, all these negative self-talk. Well, no. Okay, be aware that you have that voice, you have that thought, and just come up with a more constructive opinion, a retort. So actually invite there to be a supportive cheerleader too. So maybe there is that inner critic, Eventually, that inner critic, by doing this practice, will turn into your supportive cheerleader. But until that point, just invite the idea of a supportive cheerleader. And you can do this actually by imagining someone who is truly supportive for you, whether that's a real person in your life or, you know, someone that you like in society who feels super supportive. And just, what would they say to you? Or what would you say to your best friend if they had this inner critic? And start to make these beautifully compassionate, positive retorts. Speak to yourself the way you would speak to your best friend. By doing this practice day by day, that voice, that supportive cheerleader voice, will become stronger and stronger and more and more compassionate. And again, that is an act of self-love too. And it's really with every choice that you make, being in tune with yourself, in tune with your body, with your feelings, and taking cue from that. So when you have to make a choice, what feels good in your body? What feels expansive? And go with that. So really staying true to giving yourself permission to stay true to what feels right for you.

I think that's so beautifully put and so powerful as well. And I think mindset is just so key to this. And I know this is one of the things you work on, that, you know, no one else is going to be your biggest cheerleader, right? And yes, we can spend our whole lives beating ourselves up, but how's that serving you? I think there's always such a good question just to ask yourself, you know, what is that hesitation? What is that not doing? It's serving you and reaching your dreams. And I think being aware of how fundamental that mindset shift is and, you know, what needs to be done and rewiring or rephrasing things. And one thing I heard which I've started to adopt is, well, you know, to say like, oh, I have to pick up my kids, or I have to do this. And to replace the word "have to" with "get." Yeah, I get to pick up my kids, I get to get up in the morning, I get to eat good food, and it just completely shifts the mindset. And so having that sort of toolbox of self-love and mindset things to transform from the inner critic to actually finding the good and the positive even in the smallest of things is such an important step to that transformation, I believe.

So yeah, absolutely.

Mariko, can you give some examples, if possible, from success stories or transformation that you've actually seen in clients that work with you?

There is this step-by-step process I found that can really start changing the dynamic of the types of relationships one attracts and then can sustain. So the first step then is to Number 1, like I've said before, is to understand where the issue lies. So self-awareness, understanding maybe what attachment style you have, what attachment style the partners that you tend to attract have. And it's quite common to have this anxious avoidant trap where anxiously attached people tend to get in relationships with avoidant people, and that perpetuates the cycle. So after the awareness, what I do with clients is I start to identify the key events from the past, usually in childhood. So there's a lot of childhood trauma that comes into this. And remember, like I said before, trauma doesn't have to be big and traumatic. It could simply be a child who's gone through or witnessed her parents divorcing, or, you know, it could be even smaller, less obvious events than this, actually, that have really shaped their belief systems. Step 2, I help the client identify these key events from the past that need healing. Then we do the healing, we do the processing. Now, this is a really beautiful and deep, a profound journey that involves, for example, inner child work, like I mentioned before, showing up and integrating the hurt younger version of yourself from that time of the trauma. A lot of this healing and processing, I use EFT tapping, hypnotherapy to do this processing. And upon that processing of these key events, we can then start to change the client's belief systems. So these beliefs they've had for all their lives, like it's not safe to love, I'm always going to be abandoned, I'm always alone and unsupported. These real core beliefs that run very, very deep, we're then able to shift those because we've healed the events that actually cause those beliefs. So then once we change the beliefs to more constructive ones, like for example, a healthy loving relationship is possible for me, or a healthy loving relationship exists, is out there for me. You know, belief systems truly shape the way we live our day-to-day lives. They start to open up your perspective. They allow you to become more sociable, more open to meeting people. So then once the belief systems change, that's when really you start to notice and witness the change in the clients' lives. They start to, number one, be attracted to a whole different type of person. So let's say before, they seem to always attract emotionally unavailable men, perhaps with a more dismissive avoidant attachment style. Actually, they're noticing now that they're becoming more attracted to secure men who are very in tune with their emotions, who can express their emotions much easier and more effectively. So they start to be attracted to a different type of person, and then they start to attract a different type of person. It's really beautiful to observe this. You know, I then start to get messages and texts from clients saying that they're starting to date, and they're dating a whole different type of guy that they didn't used to find attractive. Then once they start to begin these relationships with these new types of people, the whole relationship dynamic also changes. So instead of the usual type of relationship before, which may have been chaotic, highs and lows, always sort of unstable, the relationship is kind of just smooth and easy. And whereas before they might have found that boring, actually they're finding that they're relaxing and easing into just a very easy and smooth relationship. So some client examples. I actually have an intensive 6-week group course called Transform Your Relationships where I help people do this process, heal from past trauma, change their belief systems, and really start to manifest their ideal relationship into their lives. And the last time that I ran this course, there were 4 individuals. One was a couple who were in a very, very turbulent relationship They had broken up a couple of times and they were ready to kind of call it quits, but they gave this course a try. 2 months after the course ended, they're actually engaged now and planning their wedding. The other 2 individuals were single women. One had never actually experienced intimacy in a relationship because she had always had a fear of intimacy. And could never, you know, enjoy sex. And it was beautiful to note that a month after we finished our course, she was dating, actually officially in a new relationship with someone, and was enjoying sex every day. So really able to enjoy intimacy for the first time after 3 years of being single. And another person on that course, actually during the course, with the healing practices that we were doing and the processing of trauma, was actually able to forgive her past abusive partner on all forms of abuse. And that is just such a huge step to actually go from feeling like a victim in the situation, feeling like she was unable to even look at the past, but actually to forgive the person who abused her. It's such a beautiful and profound step. It was just so moving to hear these stories. So I do feel that this is a step-by-step process, which is why I've created a step-by-step course. And yes, there's a lot of healing that takes place within this.

And yeah, the two of them are engaged to be married is a real positive confirmation of the course. Where can people find out what you're up to and also maybe more information about the course that you have?

Right. So I would say I'm most active on Instagram. So my handle is mindsetting.with.mariko. And on my website, mindsetting.co.uk, I have all the information on my one-on-one programs and my group programs, of which Transform Your Relationships is one. The next launch will be in May this year, and they're very, very small intimate groups where a lot of healing takes place and a little bit of magic, I would say.

So exciting, Mareiko. And do you have any final ask or recommendation or any parting thoughts or message for my audience?

Yeah, I would say it's always interesting to become aware of your attachment style and to just read more about attachment theory. So there's a lot of resources online and I would say take an attachment style quiz. Perhaps in your show notes we could give a link to a good one. Yeah. But, you know, a short quiz that people can take to understand how is it that they show up in relationships. And upon doing that quiz, they could probably also start to see maybe previous partners, you know, what kind of attachment style partner they tend to attract. So yeah, I think that's a really great place to start. Yeah, excellent.

Mariko, thank you so much for coming on today and all this amazing wisdom and insights and strategies for healing relationship trauma and just trauma in general, but also to have better and more meaningful relationships. So thank you so much.

Oh, thank you so much. It was a pleasure to be here, Claudia. Thank you.

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