“Finding Purpose After Adversity: A Conversation with Janet Sherlund, Author of Abandoned at Birth”

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Welcome to the CJ Moneyway Show podcast, the podcast show where we unlock potential one dream at a time. Today we have another guest whose journey is truly worth hearing. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the Moneyway experience.

What's up, my good people? Welcome to the CJ Moneyway Show. Today we have Janet Arthur and educator. Thrilled to have you on the show today, Janet. How you doing?

I'm fine, thanks. It's great to be here.

So, Janet, let's just dive right into it. Tell us a little bit about your book, Abandoned at Birth.

It's a memoir, and it's trying to communicate to people what it feels like to be adopted. Not just the facts of it, not the, you know, the mystery story of it, But the real emotional, the real feelings— many of us who are adopted talk about having a big black hole at the center of ourselves and how much we struggle to find any sense of self. And so I really wanted to try and communicate that to people who don't know anything about adoption or haven't been adopted, but also to affirm the experience for other adoptees to say, you, you're not crazy, you're not alone. This is what we feel in this, in this situation, in this culturally unrecognized trauma. And those two connections are what I was really looking for.

Okay, so your story is incredibly powerful, Janet. What motivated you to write this memoir?

I think it was feeling so alone all my life, feeling so other. I was adopted in the 1950s, and From the '50s through the '70s, most adoptions were totally closed, which means there's absolutely no personal or identifying information shared with me or my adoptive parents. And in fact, my adoptive parents' names are on my birth certificate. And I grew up in a family with 3 other adopted children, all adopted from different families. And while I had a perfectly acceptable adoption, I always had that feeling of, I know I don't really belong here. And who am I really? And where did I come from? Why was I given up? And why do I have blue eyes and a pug nose? And you know what? I just didn't— it's a very physical feeling. It's like, I don't feel like I belong here. I'm being cared for here, but I don't belong here. And none of us sitting around this dining room table belong to each other. We're all participating here. It's a real physical sense of being alone and untethered and no one around you that mirrors you or is telling you stories about the family and the past and helping you gain knowledge of yourself. It is just this horrible feeling of emptiness and aloneness and sadness that you don't understand. And that was just sort of the core of my life and of many of our lives who have been adopted during that era. And we had our identity and our origins and our biological links just robbed and taken from us when we were defenseless against it.

Mm-hmm. You know, I was reading the bio and some of the things that you was talking about. And like you said earlier, like, being adopted back in those times, they didn't have any records or anything. And so it was saying something to the point where you went on a search to look for your biological mother. So I just have to ask the question, did you ever find your biological mother?

I did. And yet the search— there's a wonderful book written back in the '90s called The Primal Wound by Nancy Newton-Berrier. And it's kind of the more sociological, psychological, you know, behind the experience of being adopted. And she just nails it. She does such a good job on it.. And in it, she talks about adoptees searching to try and reconnect with that primal, you know, the most primal connection we have in our lives is that with our, our mother. I mean, we were one with this person. We were in her body. We were hearing her voice and feeling her rhythms in utero. And for healthy child development, it's important after birth to be reconnected with that. And when you don't have that, there's a huge wound. There's a huge breach of your safety, and the infant's just, you know, understanding of the world is just gone. And then they're handed to strangers who sound different and smell different. And fuck, it's just the infant feels that. They don't have words for it, but they feel that. And so there's this almost this quest in myself and many others who feel like Somehow, if we could just get back and feel that connection again, we'd be okay. We'd be whole. We could move forward. But it's such a primal thing. It's sort of beyond words. It's cellular. Part of it is just cellular, our cells recognizing their blood and their kin. The other thing I think speaks to this connection too is, you know, the dying soldier on the battlefield cries out for his mother. There is no feeling of safety and peace than an infant feeling that connection with his— at birth with his birth mother. So there's— when that's disrupted, as it is in adoption, it's a very deep wound.

Mm.

I can't attest to what you're saying, but I can attest to the mother part of it because as we know, as through study and through word, that mothers are nurturers. And we feed off of that. Even, let's just say, a professional ball player, they make it, and Daddy was out in the yard with them playing ball, playing football, teaching them how to catch, teaching them how to shoot, and all these things, and they make it and they be successful. And the first thing, they get on TV and say, "Love you, Mom. My mom was everything." But that's just the nature. Of that, you know.

There's something very human, very primal about the mother-child relationship.

Yeah, you know, like to me, Janet, I know like when a woman first conceive, they already in love with that child that's in them, you know. And as a man, we don't know that type of feeling. And so a lot of times we're not excited until the baby actually comes, you know, like, like then that's when we get the excitement, like, oh, look at this, look at my seed, this and that. But a woman has 9 months on us, you know, as far as loving that child and, you know, the things they're thinking about. So, so I get what you're saying about the part where just being connected with your mother.

I did meet my— but unfortunately, in my situation, my birth mother did not want anything to do with me. So, which was a very painful experience. But, and ironically, my birth father just transformed my life. And he didn't even know he had fathered me when he found out about me at age 75. So it's so interesting that sometimes the stereotypes don't hold true, and the opposite can, can be what you need.

Yeah, like you said, I know that was kind of hurtful. At what age did you find your biological mother?

I first met her when I was 62. Yeah, it was I first discovered who she was when I was 56, and she refused to meet me. So that's— I was going through my adoption agency. My birth records are still sealed in the state of New Jersey, which is a little ridiculous given my age and that both my adoptive and biological parents have all passed away. But in 40 states in the United States, the birth records are still sealed, and they have legislatures telling individuals like myself, you are not entitled to know who you really are and where you really come from. It's— I think it's pretty awful. So I only found out because my agency, if both parties agreed, you know, you could apply to meet the other half and they would connect you. If both parties agreed, they'd set up a reunion. So that's how I met, despite the closed— the law against sealing my records in New Jersey. And they had the name of my birth father, which was unusual for the 1950s. The fathers had no rights and they didn't need to sign anything or be included at all. And that's how I met him.

Just to ask this question, so by finding your biological mother, did you find out if you had any other siblings?

I do, in both cases. So I have 5 siblings on my mother's side, all of whom I'm in touch with and close to and, and stay in touch with now. Um, and I had 3 on my birth father's side, and again, we stay in touch and visit each other. And it's really, really wonderful to have those relationships.

Yeah, that's cool. Because a lot of time it can be strange where you don't get along or you don't meet, but that's awesome that you guys are able to communicate.

Yeah, they were all wonderful. They accepted me, you know, I sort of, you know, just there I was in their lives, and they were just loving and accepting. And I'm very grateful for that.

Yeah, that's cool. So Janet, how long was it, or how long had you known that you had always wanted to be a published author?

I think my whole life. I loved writing even as a little girl. When I was really young, I used to make my own books. I, you know, take cut-up paper and type words on it and draw the pictures and, you know, bind it with ribbon that I found around the house and staples and stuff. So Uh, it had really been a lifelong dream, but— and I'd written all my life but never pulled a book together, never written a whole book. And— but, but writing was definitely a part of my world since I can remember.

So earlier you said that you found your mother, or found out about when you were 56, saw at 52. So at what age Did you find out that you were adopted?

I always knew. My parents never hid that from us. They adopted 4 children from the same agency, different families. And it was part of our bedtime story. Now, we didn't talk about what it felt like to be adopted. We just knew we were adopted. But it's not something that we talked about within the family. And back in those days, it's something that people didn't really hide. We didn't hide it in our family, but, you know, they tried to really match people up so that you could hide it if you wanted to. It was, was not something that was a comfortable fact. And many times adopted parents were ashamed that they had to adopt. And so there was— again, we always knew. And I remember going to the agency when we adopted my youngest sister. And so I participated in picking, you know, her up, going to the agency and getting her. But besides knowing it, we didn't talk about how it felt or what it really meant.

So with your adopted brothers and sisters, do you all still have a personal relationship as well?

Yes, yes, we do. One of my brothers— my older brother's passed away, but my younger brother and sister, yeah, we all still communicate frequently.

Ah, that's awesome. So, uh, Janet, Healing from the knowledge of being adopted is a complex process. What does it take to heal from knowing that you've been adopted?

I think it's just acceptance. And I had a lot of help. So over the years, I read everything I could get my hands on about adoption. Every book out there, whether it be a sort of more academic book or a personal book, I read that. I didn't really know a lot of other people who were adopted, so I didn't have a lot of personal conversations. I also had therapy at various points in my life to really help me sort through the feelings and the things I was understanding or struggling with. So that all helped. But ultimately, I think what it has been is it's like grief. You never get over grief. It's always in you, but you learn in time to just live with it. And there are times when an anniversary or a song or a memory comes up and you really feel it more intensely again, and then it's sides again. And, you know, you just— it becomes a part of your life. We live with grief. And that's— as far as being adopted, it's— I just learned to accept the pain, recognize it, and say, yeah, that really hurt, and that was scary, and I felt alone, and it was trauma. Even though the world tries to tell me, just be grateful for the life you had, and, you know, don't complain. But there's a whole movement out there now that that we as adoptees are saying, we are raising our voices, and we are saying, you have to understand this pain so we can do this better going forward, so that we can make adoption work better, not only for the adoptive parent and the biological parent, but for the adoptee themselves. So part of it was affirming my experience, understanding that what I felt and experienced was real and true and difficult, and just accepting that I'm never really a part of any of the families. I'm not really a part of my birth mother, birth father's families. I feel a part of them physically, but I wasn't raised in them. I don't know the traditions there and the patterns, and I wasn't a part of my adoptive family because I wasn't biologically part of them. So I'm really just myself, and there's a loneliness to that.

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But you learn to accept it and just live with it. And I think it's getting all the pieces, gathering all the pieces of yourself, you know, where all of those things are part of me. I'm a piece of all those families. So understanding each of them and bringing them inside and understanding myself better as a whole person instead of little fragments and accepting the sadness and just living with it is ultimately where I end up on that.

Okay, let me ask you a question, Janet. I didn't have this on the thing, just sitting here listening to you about what you're saying. Do you think that sometimes that we are put in positions that's unfavorable and we don't think that it's right, or why did God do this to me? Why did I have to go through this? But then in the long run and later on in life, we realize that maybe I had to go through that And that was the testament to me. And so that whatever I went through made me the person that I am today.

Yeah, I think the only way through life is to face all these obstacles and jump in. And it's hard and scary sometimes, but the only way out is through. And I think when you're faced with— and we all got our life, we all have the situations and the obstacles that can feel impossible. And if you're afraid of them or you want to deny them or numb them, I don't think you're going to get past them. But if you, if you trust your gut and trust yourself and say, I'm going to face it and I'm going to be better for it afterwards, I think that's the only way to keep moving ahead through life and not just getting stuck somewhere.

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Yeah, you know, because like you say, there are some situations that we may not want to go through. And one thing that I think about, I don't know, you know, where you are spiritual-wise, but I think about when Daniel went into the lion's den. I know he didn't want to go in there, but he had to go through. Like you say, you know, you have to go through some things even when you don't want to, but he came out all the better, you know, or whatnot. Because I know for me, I know I wouldn't want to go in no lion's den or walk through the fiery furnace, but you know, that was part of their journey. That was part of the story that they had to go through.

And I think one of the things, sometimes people use the word for stories like that, people would say, oh, he was so brave to go in there. There's And people have said to me, you're brave to write your story because I speak very candidly and honestly about my life. But for me, it wasn't bravery. I was just compelled to do this. And I think many times it's just someone who's persistent, someone who listens to that drive in them and is persistent and just follows that calling. I think you don't have to be brave to face something. You just have to be so determined get to the other side, to just say, I don't care what I have to go through, I want to get out of this. And for me, I felt so alone and so scared and so vulnerable, and I didn't want to feel that way. I wanted to feel stronger. I wanted to be in life. And there was just a drive to sort of heal. And in order to do that, I had to do these things and take this journey. So I think it's, as someone said, talking to me, you had this persistence. And I think sometimes that might be an easier thing for people to accept in themselves than defining themselves as brave if they're, if they're not feeling brave. I don't think you have to be brave. You just have to keep— you just go there, you know, stick to it and just wade in and bat all the obstacles away as you're pushing through. But I think that, that might be more of a, of a key to success than anything. It's just that drive and persistence.

Yeah, keep moving forward, you know. That comes with personal growth, transformation, you know, the things that's in you going to come out, you know, when you face it. And then when you facing adversity of, you know, something like what you faced and some others that have faced some difficult situations, when you come out of that, some of the other situations that you find in life, you find that like, ah, I can get through that. If I got through this part of life, I'm not going to let this stop me. You know, so that's nothing. It was an old saying back in the day, it said, that's small things to a giant.

Yeah, exactly. The more successes, the more things you do, you know, little things to big things. But the more things you do and, you know, get through, the stronger you feel. Yeah, that's how we sort of build ourselves up in life.

Yeah, I mean, you start trusting more, you know. You be like, hey, you got me out of this situation, I know you can get me out of— you know what I'm saying? It's just the trust factor, you know, because a lot of times when we're going through certain things in life, our faith wavers, you know. Like, ah, I don't believe— but then, you know, miraculously something happened and, you know, okay, he pulled me out of this or he pulled me out of that, and so now it's like, okay, I trust you. I trust you and believe that I'm not stuck here in this situation. I'm not stuck here in this place. So, yeah. So, Jani, you mentioned something in your memoir. You say that love isn't enough when dealing with the pain and trauma of being adopted. Can you elaborate on that for us?

Yeah. Love is wonderful, and it's a blessing to have in life. And I am certainly grateful for my adopted family and my adopted parents. What I mean by that is that it's not enough for an adoptee to just be loved. They have to be understood. Their loss and their grief has to be voiced and recognized and respected. So someone could walk in here today and give me a child, and I would love that child and raise it as my own and love it. But that's not all the child needs. They need to also say, these are the people you came from. This is who you born as. This is your background. These are their interests. These are— this is what your family is about. And to speak of that, not as though they're lesser people because they gave a child up or because their circumstances didn't allow them to raise a child. But there has to be recognition that when you're an adoptive parent, you are raising someone else's child. They're not substitute children. They can't be just your children. Nature alone isn't going to turn them into your children. You not only have to love them, but you have to love where they came from. And you have to speak about that with respect. And you have to give that child the respect of their authentic identity and their— and talk about it and help them with, you know, not meeting family members photographs, whatever you can to give them a sense of their biological connection to this world. And so that's what I mean, that it's wonderful to love a child and that's— a child certainly needs that. But if they're not your biological child, they are someone else's child and you have to respect that or they won't respect themselves and they'll think something's wrong with me and I'm less than. And you have to help give them that link, that connection, that strength, and that identity. And, and I understand that could be uncomfortable, but that's part and parcel of being an adoptive parent. That's the reality of it. So it's, it's love them, yes, but, but respect them. And they are— they came from a different clan than your own.

So did your adoptive parents have biological kids? Did they have their own children?

No, they're just— all 4 of us were adopted.

Oh, okay. So, Janet, Abandoned at Birth aims to start conversations about rights, loss, grief, belonging, and identity. How do you envision that these conversations contribute to a broader social understanding and change?

Well, I hope first that the book is very emotional. It's written very visually and very emotionally, and I, and I hope the experience I think sometimes when we experience something, when we have to feel it deeply, it alters us. It changes us. It opens our hearts and minds more than just hearing a fact. So I hope the experience of reading it allows people this point of view, this maybe other point of view than they've had, and that they have that knowledge with them when they, say, go into the voting booth in their state and vote whether they should open up the birth records in that state or not. When they are deciding about issues now with donor-conceived individuals and their rights to know more about their father's part of half of themselves or reproductive rights. There are all sorts of issues that we still deal with nowadays that maybe aren't directly adoption, but that the loss and the grief and the challenges of adoption play into. And it's the voice of— it's the voice of the individual asked to live that life. Not the institution of it, but that life. So if you know that and you've heard the voice and felt the voice of this is what it feels to live like someone who was given up and who's adopted to strangers basically and asked to live a borrowed life, then hopefully the decisions the individuals make in conversation, in their voting, that will have an impact in their knowledge and perspective on these issues.

So you're saying that in these 40 states that you were talking about that still seal the records, are these on the ballots? I caught it, but I didn't really catch. So are these type of things on the ballots?

They sometimes are. It's all state-driven. But for example, in my home state of New Jersey, back in, I think it was 2010 or '12, I'm not sure right now the date, It came up and it passed in the Congress and passed in the Senate. And then it was vetoed by then Governor Chris Christie, who interestingly enough has an adopted sister, but it would have come. It often in states does come up before the public and they're asked to vote on that, or they're certainly going to enact it at the legislative level. So I think Oftentimes people just don't understand what it's like to be adopted and why that even matters, or why is it a big deal. So hopefully these conversations will— they'll go, oh, well, you know, that doesn't seem fair to those people, and, and, you know, maybe we should, uh, yeah, let's, let's make that change. So again, hopefully the, the experience of feeling the reality of being an adoptee and the reality of being an abandoned, rejected child raised by strangers will allow people a different perspective on a variety of issues that we are asked to have opinions on, if not vote on, in today's world.

Yeah.

Well, I hope you guys continue to fight. And for those that's coming, you know, and those that's going through it, you know, that people— you deserve to know that. I mean, you know your mother. You know, your father, you know, so what, why deny the rights for every human being to actually know?

I say to people, can you imagine being yourself, you had never seen your mother's face? It's hard to understand, I know, and hard to imagine when you have it. But if you don't, and you've never seen other people who move like you and talk like you and think like you, it's a very lonely and very difficult to form a sense of self. Adoptees have 4 times the suicide rate and they're very overrepresented in hospitalizations for both addiction and mental health. So it is a trauma that we need to recognize so that again, we can do better going forward. Things are getting better, but we have a long ways to go, not only in adoption, but foster care. And, and, you know, there are a lot of things that we're going to continue to face as human beings, and I think this knowledge needs to be a part of that.

Yeah, I agree with you 100%. So finally, Janet, in what ways do you think your memoir will resonate with readers who have similar experiences?

I think in what I've been told by adoptees and people with adoption in their families who read it, they often say, "I cried all through it. This is my truth. Thank you for putting words to that." So that is very meaningful to me. But I think all of us as human beings have feelings of abandonment or rejection or loss. And the filmmaker Rick Burns is a friend of mine, and he read the book and said it's— there's such universal emotions in this book. And he said, I don't think anyone who reads it won't be brought to tears, but ultimately affirmed and comforted by your story. And I think That was so meaningful to me because this is being human and talking about these things that are so deeply personal and make us feel so vulnerable, but knowing that we're not alone when we have those feelings. And I'm adding my voice to those that have said, yeah, this is being human and we're all here and we're all struggling through this, but let's talk to each other so we know we're not alone and Pass it on.

Yeah. So I really appreciate you coming on, sharing your story today, Janet. I think you're very transparent and very insightful, very valuable information. Where can we find your book at?

My book's sold anywhere books are sold. Amazon, Barnes Noble, you know, your local bookstore or bookshop.org. My website is abandonedatbirthbook.com. And on Instagram, I'm @JanetSherlandOfficial.

What's the last thing?

Janet Shurland Official. Official? Yeah.

Okay, so you're just on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn?

Yeah, actually I'm on Facebook and, uh, yeah, the website and, uh, Janet Shurland or the Abandoned at Birth book.

Okay, I'm gonna start following you today or tomorrow, whenever I get a chance. You know how it is, sometimes you get so busy and caught up doing things, trying to do this and this and that, but I am going to get around to getting the book. I am going to get around to following you on social media. I appreciate you coming on, on the show today. And like I say, sharing your experiences. You have been listening to the CJ Moneyway Show with Janet. Hey, go grab the book Abandoned at Birth. Support her, read her story. Check it out. This your boy CJ. We out of here. Peace.

Thank you for listening to the CJ Moneyway Show. Don't forget to share this episode with your friends, leave a comment, and drop a review. Be sure to tune in every Tuesday and Friday for more inspiring journeys. Who knows, your story might be next. Oh, oh, oh, O'Reilly.

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