Ask for advice instead of feedback. People enjoy giving advice because it flatters them and lets them soften criticism. Research shows what matters is actionability, not whether feedback is positive or negative. As the saying goes: asking for feedback creates a critic, asking for advice creates a partner.
Here is how to ask for feedback. Don't. Instead, ask for advice. First, people love being asked for advice. It's flattering. They love giving advice. Second, many people don't love being tough and critical, even when being tough and critical is justified. And so what asking for advice does is that it allows them to cloak some of that toughness in something a little softer, And more positive, which makes it more comfortable for them. Third, and most important, the literature on feedback says pretty clearly that it actually doesn't matter too much whether feedback is positive or negative. What matters the most in effective feedback is whether that feedback is actionable. And so by asking for advice, you are literally asking for the action steps that will allow you to get better. So the next time you're looking for feedback, don't ask for that. Ask for advice instead. As Shane puts it quite well, Asking for feedback creates a critic. Asking for advice creates a partner.
