After Sex

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Hello and welcome back to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis and on this podcast we address the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And you guys, we are finishing up our series on sex and we're talking specifically about our behaviors and what we say both before and after sex. And you definitely wanna listen the entire episode all the way through to the end. Cause we have just some very practical tips on what not to do before. And so you definitely, especially for you guys. So like definitely listen.

Yes. And even though this topic's on sex, I wanna let you know that in just a couple of weeks our brand new book about in laws is gonna be out. You can go to xomarriage.com store to check that out or Amazon or books are available. And this book we've been so excited about for so long because I think this one issue, sex is obviously a huge issue in marriage. That's why we talk so much about it. We have a book called the Counterfeit Climax, all about sex and sexual baggage. But another huge issue that rarely gets discussed is in law dynamics. And so writing this book specifically on that I think can make a huge difference in your marriage. So be watching for that, check that out. And I think it's gonna be meaningful to you as is, we hope today's conversation about what to and not to do before and after sex. This is going to be a lot of fun. So let's dive in. We're going to talk about what to say not to say, what to do not to do after sex. And we got the idea for this and we did a couple Instagram videos and if you're not following us on Instagram, we're aveandashleywillis and we have a lot of fun with the community over there. So join us there. But on these videos we did some talking about things to say and not to say and we asked you to put in your suggestions for what to do not to do. And it was so much fun. I think people had a lot of fun with it. And we thought, you know what, that would make a great full episode on the podcast.

That's right. And so right out of the gate, things not to say after sex. And I think, you know, it could be phrased a Lot of different ways. But when I think of things not to say, it would have to be something that is a derogatory comment about your spouse's body. Like, hey, have you gained weight? Or, gosh, you know, that feels different. I'm not sure I like it. Or something like that.

Oh, yeah. Or, you know, that wasn't very good.

Yeah.

Or just, I'm glad that's over.

Yes. Yes.

Or just to say nothing at all.

Well, that's, you know, and when we talked about this on Instagram, just kind.

Of grunt and that be it. Like, okay.

People said they actually preferred their spouse not to say anything. See, I think sometimes it can go both ways. But they said they just want to kind of bask in the glow and not hear anything. So I'm like, well, I mean, there's that.

I think maybe that's where you talk beforehand about, what do you like afterwards? You kind of set the menu before. Like, do you want me. How loud do you like me to be during? You know? And how. What do you like afterwards? Do you want me to cuddle with you? Do you want me to just lay there in silence and let us both bask in the glory? Do you want me to tell you what I loved about that? Like, ask ahead of time. Like, what do you really like? Because I want not only sex to be great, but I want the little afterglow after sex to be great. And for that, I want every part of our marriage to be great.

Yes. I think another comment that people kind of agreed is not a good comment is saying, glad that's over now. I've ticked the box. Don't have to do this anymore. I think that just is. It makes your spouse feel like they're just a check mark on a list and not really someone to be cherished. And maybe you say it in jest. Maybe it's like a joke between you, but not funny. They could really hurt.

You know, Another thing now, this one was kind of a controversial one. We had somebody say, I don't like it when my husband says thank you.

Yeah.

Like, normally in most parts of life, I love it to hear thank you. But when I hear thank you after sex, it makes it feel like, transactional. I don't know. She didn't like it. And then somebody else wrote it and said, well, I love it when I hear thank you afterwards. So you gotta talk about these things. I think definitely what not to say afterwards is, you're welcome. Yeah.

Oh, goodness. It's like, icky. You're welcome. I think another One not to say afterwards is like something, I don't know, like gross in nature. I just. I don't know, Like, I think that we have to watch not being, I don't know, turning them off. Because here you are. Here you just hopefully had this great experience, but then saying something gross, like about maybe your medical situation down there or you know what I'm saying? I don't know, passing gas right afterwards, like, that may not be the best.

Probably not the best timing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. These are all good. I'm taking notes because I want to not do these anymore.

Don't do that. You don't do that.

Let's flip the script for just a minute. Like, what are the things to do after sex? What are some of those positives? And again, I think talk about this because what one of you likes just like during the act of sex itself, but one of you likes the other one might not like as much. And you have to. You have to communicate. I like cuddling.

He does like cuddling.

But, you know, Ashley's not a cuddler. No, Especially, like, right then. Especially, you know, she's like, you know, that was cool. We've just had a lot of closeness, and now I'm going to have.

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Have a moment.

Well, I'm just gonna be really practical and say that for most of us women, we have to go to the bathroom pretty fast. Because if you don't, you can, you know, you can get like a UTI or other things. And so, I mean, honestly, you can only cuddle for so long because you got it just practically speaking, you'll save yourself a trip to the doctor. And for some, they're more prone to that than others. But I mean, that's just. I'm just being like, gut level honest. And so, you know, you might want to come back and cuddle. But, like, maybe right after, just go clean yourself up and go to the bathroom and then maybe come back and cuddle, which we'll, you know, we'll do that sometimes. But, you know, you want to make sure you meet your spouse's cuddle needs, if they have needs to cuddle. I think as far as what to say afterwards, you know, everyone loves to hear, well, that was good. Or you enjoyed it.

Or amazing.

Like, that was amazing.

Mind blowing.

Yeah. Like, oh, I needed that. Like, I needed. That's a good one. Like, I really was looking forward to that. You. You did great. I think on the flip side, you don't want to be like, oh, well, that was sufficient. Or, it's okay. Like, it's okay. Or, I've had better.

You know, who, what, where, when I.

Think you're losing some energy there or whatever.

Yeah. Like, have you gained weight? Have you. Are you feeling well? You seem.

You seem off.

You seem very off.

Which, I mean, you need. If you really do think something's off, you need to address that. But right after timing, not the moment.

Read the room. Read the room.

That's right.

Yeah. So that's good. There's so much. Gosh, there's so much that you could say that's wrong or do that's wrong, or I'm talking to myself here. Because it is a sensitive time. It is, right? It's a vulnerable time. You know, when you're naked and you've just given your all. Hopefully.

You know what I've heard lately that people are doing? And I thought, oh, man, that would be so weird. When we were doing this on Instagram, several people commented and said that their spouse was, like, watching a sports game while having sex. And then, like, at the end cheered, and they thought they were cheering for them, and they were actually cheering for the team.

Oh, man.

Yes. And I was like, you are what? And they said, yes. Like, he'll watch it on his phone. And in the same way men commented and said their wife was watching, like, TikTok or whatever and laughing and just, like, going through the motions and then commenting on the TikTok. And I'm like, okay, we are really missing.

We are addicted to our devices. Put the device down, like, during. During those beautiful, intimate moments.

And even right after, like, let's say you finish, it's been good, and. And then you just go right to your phone, you know, like, and not have any response to your spouse. That's just kind of saying. I mean, that's basically. That's just kind of ignoring them, really not having any response at all. And then, like, just getting right into your phone. So we've really got to watch that because, you know, I was thinking about It. And you know, to some of you listening and watching, you're like, oh, my gosh, I can't believe the phone's involved at all. But I do think this isn't that far of a stretch for a lot of people. I think we are very addicted to our phones. And sometimes they just think, well, I'm not letting it mess with what's going on between us. I'm just continuing watching my game or my show or whatever, or responding to a text. But you guys, seriously, there's just not a place for that. You know, it is taking away from the experience. And if anything, at least. At the very least, it's making your spouse feel like they're not the most important thing in the room at that moment.

Yeah, so true. And you want to make sure your spouse feels like the most important thing in your life, no matter what's going on. But especially, especially in the most intimate of moments, you don't want them to feel like they're competing with anyone or anything, because that is a huge turnoff, and that's gonna really damage not only your sex life, but I think just trust overall within the relationship.

Right.

And so when you're talking about things to not do after, I think that, you know, you gotta just keep that respect part in mind. You know, let's pivot. Cause we have some time. Another thing we discussed on Instagram was things to do and say, not do and say before sex. And that was fun too. Right. So what are those things that get you, you know, what do you like to do or not do? What do you like to hear before?

Yes. So we're gonna do what to say, right? Like, I mean, I think I've heard and you've, you know, definitely said this is true for you, but like saying women saying to their husband, like, I have some new lingerie on. Would you like to see it?

Oh, my gosh.

That's a huge turn on for most men. You know. I know some women are like, why? Because just you take it off. Like, why is that a thing?

But he likes it. Okay.

Unwrapping a package.

He's visual and he. He likes. He wants to see it on you, and then he wants to see it on the floor. It's going to be great. And so, yeah, trust me, he's into it. Yeah. Like, I've. I've been wanting you all day.

Yeah, I've been thinking about you all day. Just. I mean, you can be as simple as you want to do it. Like, the kids are occupied. I think that for parents, like, that can be enough.

Yeah, that's nothing hotter than actually saying, like, hey, the kids are all doing something.

Yes, you want.

You got a minute? And I'm like, that is all the foreplay I need, guys.

I think just saying I want you so bad. Or like, I, you know, or. I mean, you don't necessarily have to say anything. Just start making out and just see where things go, you know? I think that's a good way to do it, too.

Start making out with me.

Or, you know, you could be like, I'm going to take a shower. Will you be in here afterwards? Or go. Go take one with me. You know what I'm saying? There's a lot of things you could do with that.

We're gonna have to cut this episode short. I can tell.

Let me tell you, though, guys, when we did this on Instagram, there are so many things not to say before sex, okay? And I think, you know, in the same token of, like, the. Some of these relate to the after sex thing, but, like, you know, being. Being kind of, I don't know, tired and kind of bored and being like, well, I guess you probably better go ahead and have sex because, you know, you're expecting it or, you know, in a derogatory kind of way. You know, like, ugh, get this over with. Get it over with. Gotta take the box for this week or whatever. That's. That's. I mean, your spouse will probably go ahead and do it, but, like, it's not sexy.

Right, Right, right.

What else would you say, sweetie?

Oh, man. It's like, could we turn the lights off? You're just not looking your best right now.

Oh, gosh. Like, dagger to the heart. Dagger to the heart.

Oh, have you gained weight? Yeah, we're going to turn these lights off.

Or can you wear this thing or talk this way to me so that it can fulfill some fantasy, like, whether it be a famous person or a neighbor or, heaven forbid, a family member, like, heaven forbid, to make you appear more like someone else, essentially saying, you kind of disgust me. Can you just kind of talk to me the way this person does in this movie? Or can you wear your hair more like Cindy, because, my goodness, she's hot. I mean, like, seriously, guys, that's going to make her not want to do it? But, like, we hear these stories, right? We hear these stories because it actually happens. I think another thing again, you need to be really careful about how you talk about your body and maybe your ailments you're experiencing. We shared this in our Little Instagram post, but saying like, you know, it smells weird down there and I'm kind of itchy, but we could probably still do it. Like, that is not. That's not going to go over well.

That's so specific.

And let's be real specific. You probably don't want to engage because there could be something really going on there. So get checked out.

Get checked out. I want to know it's an all clear before we start messing around. Oh, man.

That's not going to be a turn.

On for sure, right? Yeah, that's. My head's spinning right now. That's a lot of information.

It is.

And the key in all this, guys, and some of this is we're just having fun here. But the serious part of this conversation is what you say and do before and after sex matters a lot. You know, we tend to focus on just the act itself and we talk a lot about, you know, kind of how to enhance that for both of you and kind of things to do and not do. But I don't think we've ever had this discussion of what about before and after, which is really just as important as what's going on in between.

And it's not just what you say, but also what you do. I think that's really important. I mean, we have these phrases. Obviously what you say is very important, but I even think your actions before. I know for a lot of women, myself included, it's really hard. You know, you hear this concept of makeup sex or angry sex. And I would say in doing the work that we do and talking to a lot of couples, for most women, that is just something they play out on TV like that they act like, you know, they're. Oh, like they, they imply on TV like, oh, they're angry. They're going to. All of a sudden, like they're going in this thing we can't see and they're clearly like going to make out and have sex or whatever. That's really not how it goes for most women. For most women, it's really hard for us to feel romantically close to our husband when we feel like he's being mean or we're not getting along. That's. That's usually how it is. And so I would say, like, really watch your behavior because if you're in a really bad mood and you're not really treating her with the utmost respect, odds are she's not gon to really be in the mood because she doesn't feel that closeness to you. Because we want to Feel close. And so it's really important in not only what we say, but how we say it, and also just our general kind of countenance that we're having that day.

Man, that's so good. Guys, it matters. It matters. It matters a lot. And that's why we have these conversations. It's to kind of help us all be more aware of our own blind spots. Because I think all of us can have blind spots. Like, I didn't know you didn't like it when I burped as loud as I could right before we started making out. You know, I didn't know that was something you weren't into.

That's a real turnoff.

Yeah, exactly. And so you've gotta just, you gotta be aware of your.

Like, don't be like, okay, here, let me, let me set it. Like, don't be in bed watching tv. You think your wife's not anywhere near you and you are picking your nose or scratching something down there, and all of a sudden she sees you.

It's not. Why does it. I feel like visualizing recently doing all.

Of these things not matching you. I'm just saying, like, just be aware. Okay? I know you're married. You see it all. Like, we're all. We see stuff. But like, if you really do want to have sex in that moment, don't do that. Like, it's gross.

So, yeah, guys, this is gold right here. This. This short conversation might forever enhance your sexual satisfaction and make your spouse less grossed out by you.

Be in your favor.

May the odds be in your favor.

Ought to be a good night.

I hope it's a real good night. Hey, guys, before we sign off here in just a couple weeks, we are kicking off our XO Marriage conference season and we would love it if you and your spouse would join us for one of the live events. We've got them coming up in Grapevine, which is the Dallas Fort Worth, Texas area. Houston. And then after that, we're going to be in several places throughout the rest of the spring. You can come to these events live and in person. And if you can't make it in person, we're going to have it available for you to stream online. So check out the website, xomarriage.com and get all the details. Get the speaker lineup, get the schedule, get ticketing information. These events, they are so fun. And for many couples, they're life changing. And this isn't just for. I think there's this myth that these are just for couples who are in crisis. That is not it at all. If you're in crisis, definitely come. But these are to enhance your marriage. Wherever you are, whatever season you're in, even if things are already great, this will make it better. We learn something every single time.

Absolutely.

And look forward to these events. And it's just, it's a highlight of our year getting to be part of these and getting to meet you because we usually do a meet and greet at these events and we would love to meet you. So make plans to be at one of those and join us next week as we're we're stopping this season, but we've got some great new surprises and topics planned and you're not going to want to miss it. But you don't even have to wait till next week because on Wednesday we'll drop a hump Day Q and A episode answering one of your questions. As always, you can send us questions@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or on Instagram @daveandashley. Willis, we'll see you next time.