Balancing Family Time & Intimacy // Hump Day Q&A

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You know what time it is, sweetie?

It's hump day Q and A time.

Hump day Q and A. Hump day Q and A. Welcome to the Naked Marriage Podcast. Hump day Q and A. We love answering your questions, so every Wednesday we're dropping a special podcast episode focused on one of your questions. You can submit your own marriage related question online@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or by sending us a message on Instagram aveandashleywillis. We've got a great question today, so let's dive in.

All right. It says, there is an age gap between my husband and I that didn't seem to pose any problems when we first met. We were both in our 40s and our adventurous spirit and sex life was amazing. Now that he is in his 50s, it seems that his sexual desire is completely gone. He tends to gravitate to being surrounded by family constantly. Seriously, every single day. So alone time and making plans for our own fun is something we don't do anymore. I have tried to discuss this with him, but he thinks I just don't want his family around and this is not the case. I would just love to have some balance. But after everybody leaves, we are usually so tired we just go to bed. I don't know how to make him understand that this is important to me. It's a really good question.

Really good question. Some of this, like I'm going to recycle some of the same tips I gave in the last episode to kind of refer back to Jimmy Evans Four Laws of Love that the laws of love include the law of priority and the law of pursuit, among others. And law of priority is the spouse comes first before family. That's God's design. It's God first, then our spouse, then family and everybody else. He's breaking that law. And again, he's not looking at it this way. I'm sure your husband's not like a mean guy or trying to be rude. He just doesn't see it this way, that you have to come first. And another is a law of pursuit that you need to be continuously pursued which includes pursued sexually. And if that, you know, physically, he's, you know, he's. He's at a place right now where maybe his hormone levels are off there. There are different, you know, medical issues. A healthy guy in his 50s, you know, should still have sex drive. And so if his is completely gone, that is, you know, that's, that's an issue that I would talk to a doctor about because very often it's, it's hormonal related. You know, his testosterone levels could be off or it could be like prematurely eroding in a way that it can be replaced. We live in an era where there is virtually unlimited access to, you know, to getting help in these areas.

Right.

And in some cases, and not to plant negative thoughts in your mind, but in some cases it could be. There could be some secret that is going on, like pornography. I hope it's not that, but it could be an issue where he's looking at pornography and he's kind of, you know, he's getting out his sex drive in that way, in a way that is not healthy for the marriage. And you need to have these kind of conversations to just eliminate what it could be and then to focus in on solutions of how to make it better. But the first solution is simply for him to prioritize you. It isn't a sex issue. It isn't a hormone issue. The first issue is a priority issue that you have to come first and you're not selfish in wanting that. That's the way God designed marriage. And we've got a whole lot more about that. But that's, that's straight from the Bible. Like, this isn't just our opinion. That's the only way that a marriage can work, you know.

Absolutely. And it sounds like too, it might be if he is feeling like his desire is not as high as it once was, he could have some anxiety around performance. And sometimes what we do when we feel like, you know, like we have anxiety about something is we avoid it. And maybe, you know, he is using family as a way to have to avoid it. Because he's like, okay, everybody, come over. Let's host you. Let's do all this. Because then that means less time to have to face, like, oh, I need to go be intimate with my wife, you know, instead he's like, trying to avoid it because maybe there's some anxiety there and he's afraid that you guys will be in the moment and he won't be able to perform because things aren't working like they once did. But Again, like Dave said, this is a great opportunity to talk about these things. You know, make sure that you reassure him and say, like, listen, I know, you know, we are getting older than there. Sometimes hormones can change a little more rapidly than they should. And that's okay. It doesn't mean there's anything inherently wrong with you. It's just like, maybe the hormones are imbalanced and we can get help with this, but, you know, making sure that the marriage bed is a safe place to talk about these things and not like in the moment when he can't perform, but just saying, like, I love you and please don't be anxious. You know, we're gonna get through this together. I think it's really important for those things to happen. But again, I do think that this is your home in your life. You can't feel like you can't have a safe place and like a place of reprieve in your home. If you feel like you're always having people over, always hosting, it's okay to want some time to yourself. I mean, that's a human need, is for your home to be a place of reprieve and a place where you and your husband can just be and have time. And, you know, you probably have. If you have children, they're grown, and so this is a beautiful time to have time together. And I would just remind him of that and say, like, you know, I know we wanna have time with your family. We love your family, but we also need to invest in our marriage. Because right now, I don't feel like things are really where they need to be. And I love you, and I don't want to feel, you know, resentful. I don't wanna feel hurt. And I know you probably don't intend that, but that's kinda how I feel right now. And I think it'd be a great way to just open up to each other and really address the issue head on.

Yeah. Yeah, that's a really good word. Thank you for your question, and we're praying for you and for all those in those situations. Like Ashley said, there's certainly no shame at all in an area of feeling like, oh, I have anxiety around performance.

Sure.

Okay, there's help. There are so many resources to help with that.

Thank you all so much for listening to today's episode of Hump Day. Q and A. We love getting your questions, and we want to answer your question. So if you go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com you can submit your question right there or you can follow us on Instagram avanashleywillis and you can give us your questions right there by giving us a dm. So we'll catch you next time on Hump Day Q and A.