Be Thankful, But Don't Settle

Hey, welcome into Walgreens.

Hi there. Hey.

All right, hon, I'll grab the gift wrap cards and oh, those stuffed animals the girls want.

Great. And I'll grab the string lights and some. How about I grab some cough drops? This is not just a quick trip to Walgreens.

I'm fine, honey.

Well, just in case. You know what they say, tis the season. This is help staying healthy through the holidays. Walgreens.

Hello and welcome back to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast we address the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And we just want to say happy Thanksgiving week.

Woo hoo.

So excited. Thanksgiving's literally one of our favorite holidays.

It is my favorite holiday. You got gluttony, you've got football, you've got dessert, family.

I mean, what's not to love?

There's really. And you don't have to distress of exchanging gifts. You know, it's less expensive. It's. It's the fall. It feels the fall. It just feels right. It's a great holiday. So you might be listening to this though, like any time of year, this is what we're going to talk about today. Isn't Thanksgiving specific. Even the gratitude is one aspect of it. We're going to talk about what continuous improvement looks like in your marriage more specifically. So we're wishing you a happy Thanksgiving. But if you happen to be listening to this later, don't tune out because you think that it's a seasonal episode. This is an evergreen topic we're going to discuss today.

That's right. And before we dive in, I want to share one of our latest reviews with you. It is from T. Young3 and it's entitled I needed this encouragement and this person gave us five stars. Thank you.

Thank you.

Says, I'm so happy I found y'.

All.

My husband and I have been married 10 years. My husband is struggling with depression. Thank you all so much for always encouraging me to have patience and empathy for him. I look forward to listen and getting encouragement every time I start my truck. That is so sweet. T Young. Thank you so much for writing that review. And you know, we just hope and pray your husband is improving when it comes to his depression. We know how hard that is and thank you for being there by his side. We hope that this podcast continues to be an encouragement to both of you. All right, well, let's dive in to today's episode. All right, I'm excited to talk about today's topic because I think it's something that doesn't get talked about enough. And that is being thankful for your marriage, but also not settling for how things are. And this is in good times and in hard times. You know, I think it's always good to have a spirit of gratitude, to always just be thinking about what we're thankful about when it comes to our spouse in marriage. But we can never get to the point where we feel like there's no more work to be done because none of us ever arrives in marriage. There's always room for improvement. There's always something that God is wanting to teach us.

Yeah, that's so well said. And I love the timing of when we're doing this like this right now, if you're listening to it live, or when it's close to new. We're in the week of Thanksgiving right now. It's a season of gratitude. But this isn't just a Thanksgiving message like this applies year round. That we need to be full of gratitude in our marriage. First and foremost, thankful for our spouse, thankful for all the good things in our life. The Bible has so much to say about the power and even the command of being thankful and having an attitude of gratitude. But like Ashley said, thankfulness is not complacency. You know, just because we're thankful for everything in our life, including our marriage, it doesn't mean we ever become complacent. That we're always striving for all that God has called us to. We're always striving for improvement. So find that it's okay to live in that tension a little bit. Where on one hand, I'm so thankful for every part of our marriage and for all that we have, But. But on the other hand, I don't want to settle. I don't want to just sit back, rest on our laurels. I want to keep striving for all that God has called us to so that in every season. So when we get to Thanksgiving week next year, we have even more to be thankful for in our marriage because of what we've come through together, how we've grown through, being intentional in our actions to keep growing, to keep learning, learning about each other, growing in our faith, learning new strategies to be more effective is as husband, wife, as parents in all parts of our life. And I think that that attitude will continue to move forward through every season of marriage.

Absolutely. And it reminds me of a story one of my friends shared with me. She was going through a season with her family where she said, I feel like things are so good and I'm so Thankful for my kids. I'm so thankful for my spouse and really our season of life. And she said, but I kind of. I feel like maybe the bottom's just gonna drop out all of a sudden. So it's like, she was so thankful for this good season, but then having that tinge of fear, like, what's go. And so we were talking about this. It was kind of a group of girls that I would get with occasionally, and I was like, listen, I think in those moments, definitely cling to the things you're thankful for, but also have maybe those conversations now about when the hardships come and just what needs to improve. And I will tell you, I don't know, about a year or two later, her and her spouse and her family, they went through kind of a tough season. And I feel like, because they did kind of hunker down and talk about things in the good season, so to speak. And I'm doing, quote, hands, if you're watching on YouTube, you know that. And, you know, so there's those good seasons, but talking about kind of hard things that they needed to really kind of work through and talk about when they weren't in the midst of that. It really helped them when they were in the midst of that hard season, because they had already talked through that and really tried to grow through that. And one example of that would be financial. You know, they were going through really a great season of finances where everything was very plentiful, and they were doing really well financially. But then, you know, a couple years later, they. They kind of came on some hard times and they had to work through that, but because they had really still talked about finances and not just, like, you know, just sat on their laurels and were like, oh, everything's good. It's just gonna stay this way. Because they really did the hard work of talking through those hard subject matters. They were better able to handle the hard times. And she was telling me recently, she's like, you know, things have been kind of hard. We've had a lot of transition in our family. We have some of our kids going off to college, and then, you know, especially with COVID hitting, it's been really hard in our businesses, but we're actually doing really well, is what she told me. And she's told me that actually several times when I've seen her. And I can tell there's such a peace in her heart that even though the money's not as much, they don't have as much in the bank, and she doesn't have as many kids in the house, she still feels that solid bond with her husband because in those times of plenty, in those times when she was really feeling like everything was going right, so to speak, she knows that they were close then and they're gonna be close now because they've already had these conversations and they keep on doing the work of growing together.

Yeah. And it's continue to do the work. When we say continue to strive for more, we don't mean in just a materialistic kind of way. Like, well, if we don't have more money next year than we have this year, then we failed somehow, because that's all temporary. It's okay to have financial goals, but money is not the part of life that really matters. And the parts of life that really matter are the parts that.

They're priceless.

Yeah, they're priceless. You can't possibly put a price tag on it. And so your marriage is. Can actually get a lot stronger, even if your financial situation is getting weaker. Because even if you're doing everything right financially, you're being disciplined and all of that. There could be global pandemics that come. There could be loss of employment. There could be a lot of things that are completely out of your control that could wreck your finances. And if you're measuring your success as a couple, family, or a person on something that you could lose that's completely out of your control, then you're always going to live on a shaky foundation. And God calls us to live in the peace of knowing that we can rest in Him. And the most important parts of life, we can't really lose his love. Nothing can separate us from his love. Once we put our hope and faith in Jesus Christ, I think we've got to remind ourselves of that perspective. So when we say keep striving, keep improving, don't misunderstand that. To think that it's just about accumulating things. It's really about constant growth. As long as you have a heartbeat, God has a plan for you on this side of heaven to continue to grow, to continue to mature, to continue to improve. And in all parts of your life, in all parts of your faith, your marriage. And so don't stop that. So many couples just get stuck on autopilot where they stop trying, they stop giving their best to one another. And so you have some couples that have been married 50 years, and they're still like a couple of teenagers in love, and they're still learning and growing and thriving. And you see some couples who've been married for A long time. And they're looking at their marriage like a prison sentence that they're just surviving and trying to get through. And the difference, I believe a big part of the difference is this mentality. Are we being intentional to continue to grow, or are we just getting complacent?

Absolutely. And I think where this can become a problem, you know, in a marriage is when one spouse is like, we need to keep striving. We need to keep growing. You know, we need to do the Bible study. We need to maybe go to counseling when things are otherwise fine. But we just know that we could, you know, take our marriage from good to great. And the other spouse is like, what's the problem? Everything's going fine. You know, that can cause some dissonance in the marriage, because one spouse, you know, it's not that they're saying anything's wrong, but they are trying to kind of keep on growing together, and the other one doesn't really see the usefulness in investing in those things that will help them grow even further. And so what do you do in that situation? I think it starts again with just having an honest conversation and saying, listen, I'm not pointing fingers at you and saying, oh, you've stopped growing, or you've become apathetic. I'm just saying I don't want that to happen to us. I want us to be a thriving relationship. I want us to keep on growing. And we can't do that if we just kind of sit back and get on autopilot and just, you know, we don't really do anything to really move forward. I kind of see it as like a gardener, you know, tending to the garden. We have to kind of tend to the garden. We have to prune some things in our life in order to make room for new growth. We have to make sure that soil is fertile. You know, sometimes it takes, like, if you garden, you know what I'm talking about, it takes removing the old mulch to tend the soil and get it rich, enriched again with the vitamins and minerals that it needs, and then putting back some new mulch and making sure that everything is getting the oxygen it needs and getting the rain that it needs. And that's really how a marriage is. It's like a living, breathing organism that needs to have all these components continually, you know, kind of firing on all cylinders, so to speak. You know, we need to have everything that we need to keep our marriage growing. And that is staying rooted in the word, you know, to stay rooted in the very foundation of Our marriage, the very creator who made our marriage, who brought the two of us together. We need to stay rooted in doing those things that we know will cultivate a stronger marriage, like having a consistent date night or maybe putting it on your schedule to go to one of our exomarriage conferences or getting away together on a little retreat. You know, doing those things that you know are going to help keep your marriage going strong. I think the main message we're trying to say here is be thankful. Because when you're not thankful, that tends to make you see your spouse in a negative light. But make sure that you keep on doing the work, that you keep on tending to your garden, that you keep on making room for new growth in your lives.

Yeah. And I think to kind of piggyback on, you know, one of the examples, scenarios Ashley gave where it's like, you know, one spouse is in one place and one is in another. So I was thinking when she was talking about some of that of a couple that we know that we're friends with. And I remember several years back, you know, we'd met, we'd just hung out with them, and they seemed like they were just in a really dry season, and in their marriage, like just a tough spot. They'd grown apart. There was tension and some friction there. And to rewind the clock even further, the focus for previous years had been largely on the husband's career. I think they kind of had this mindset that if we just make the focus right now in this busy season on his career, then we're going to get to a place where we'll have financial security, and then that financial security will alleviate the financial stress we're feeling right now. And with that financial security that then our marriage and family will thrive because we'll have everything we need. So they kind of buckled down together, and they just. She held down the Ford at home, and he worked and worked and worked and worked. And they finally did kind of get to that place where all their financial goals had been met and that plan had worked in terms of meeting the financial need. And now all of a sudden, where they were just barely scraping by, now they were, you know, really, really affluent. They didn't have the financial worries. But in the process, what had suffered in that season of grinding it out at work seemed to be the marriage relationship. They put it on hold with just the assumption that, like, well, we still love each other, we're committed to each other, we're fine. This is just something we have to do. But the toll that it had taken. Seemed to be, you know, more than they had anticipated. And so I'm happy to say that with that couple now that there have been readjustments made to kind of their whole family schedule and priority list, and now they not only have still the financial part in place, but more importantly, they said true wealth is being healthy at home. Whether you got a lot in the bank or a little. True wealth is being happy and healthy and committed and making sure that the people that I love know that they're my top priority. And, you know, that family has. Has done that. And. But they had to go through a season of growth, a really painful season of growth to get there.

Yeah.

Because anytime we put our marriage on hold, even if we just think this is just temporary, this is just a busy season at work or whatever, those busy seasons turn into busy lifestyles. And. And if our marriage gets put on the back burner there, there'll always be a. A heavy price to pay to get it back to health again. And so it's better to just never put the marriage on the back burner in the first place. To figure out a way to, like, what does it look like in every season right now, even with all the busyness and the chaos and limited finances and raising kids, what does it look like right now to put our marriage first and to keep putting our marriage first? Yes. And if you'll do that, then, man, that's going to help you weather any storm.

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Because what happens when we do put it on the back burner is sometimes our hearts are prone to wander. You know, it's just human nature, especially like in that example that Dave used. You know, we've seen this workout. Thankfully, that couple is doing well. But we've seen other couples go through a very similar dynamic where they were like, let's buckle down. We're putting all of our time, our resources, our energy into just making as much money as possible. And what happens is that spouse that's spending so much time at work and never any time at home ends up, you know, their eyes turn to somebody else at work, and before you know it, they're involved in an extramarital affair, and they end up busting up their family and breaking their spouse's heart. And they never saw that coming. They never set out for that. That wasn't the intention, but it happens. And so we do. We need to make sure that we're not going on autopilot, that we're not just expecting the marriage to somehow be amazing and to keep on growing. We have to keep working towards that growth and making room for new growth. And again, I know I mentioned pruning, but we can prune things out of our life as well. And God really gives us that duty in many ways, like when it comes to our schedule, making time for each other, when it comes to our budget, making sure that we invest in ourselves as a married couple. You know, so many times we hear couples, we'll be sitting, you know, across the room from them, and they come to us because they're in marital crisis and they haven't taken a vacation together in, like, two decade. And, you know, at first they'll tell us that almost like it's a prideful thing, like they're proud of that. And all I see before me is a couple who is haggard and worn out. And I think to myself, what if you had taken that little bit of money in your budget and just had a little bit of time together? I know it can't always happen. We certainly understand that. You have to really be creative with that time. Lean seasons, very lean seasons.

But even in those really lean seasons, you know, we said, we're going to be rich in love, like, we're going to be rich in our. In our marriage bank, by spending time together and by investing. Investing your most valuable resource is your time. And if you invest, wherever you invest, your time is going to grow. And we chose even in those lean seasons where we had financial stress to say we're going to invest in each other and, you know, in our faith and in our family. And God just blesses that investment. He always does. And I'm sorry, thankful. I mean, for all the things we've done wrong and all the stupid things we've done over the years, that is one thing I'm so thankful that we did, because it really helped sustain us through a lot of what could have been really hard times that could have been a lot harder if we weren't solid.

Absolutely. And I will say this, for those who are parents watching this and listening to this, you need it more than ever.

Oh, yeah.

But it is the hardest time more than ever to find this time. And I get it. It takes moving heaven and earth. It takes, you know, scrounging up to go to that little retreat that you wanna go to that isn't even really that much money in the grand scheme of things. But in this season, because you've got children and busy lives and all these bills mounting up, it seems, like, impossible. I just wanna encourage you and say, it may seem impossible, but pray about it and just be creative. God gave you smart minds. And our pastor Marty Baker always says, there's all kinds of stuff in your house that's worth something, and you can sell that and go on a vacation, and it would be way worth more than that, that rug you have or whatever, but, like, whatever you need to do. And that may seem extreme to some of you, but it's worth it. I mean, I can tell you our oldest is 15 years old, and there's been times where it was so lean and even time was lean. You know, money and time. And we would find a way to get away for a night or two. And it didn't have to be anything amazing. Like it could be just going an hour away, going on a walk. Going on a walk. Right.

You know, just go get some ice cream. I mean, just get out together. Even if you have to do a date night in.

Just be creative.

Be creative and say, we're gonna prioritize each other. It's not about the money, it's about the time.

It is. And what I wanted to say to parents specifically is you need that time together, just the two of you, to really have an uninterrupted conversation, to talk about the growth that needs to happen. And, you know, and kids are such an important part of your family. Absolutely. But they are eventually gonna grow up and hopefully flee the nest. And so you need to talk about what life's gonna look like later and really plan for the future and dream about the future. And it's really hard to do that when you have toddlers crawling all over you and you have kids asking, you know, what's for Dinner or whatever. It's just really hard to form a thought, a cohesive thought, to talk about these things. And so we just encourage you, you know, whatever it's gonna look like in whatever season of your marriage, be creative about spending time together and investing in your marriage, man.

Great advice. Well, that leads us in to the Q and A time of the podcast. Thank you. For those who write in questions, you can submit questions to possibly be read on the podcast. You can submit those@nakedmarriagepodcast.com Today's question says my husband and I are a blended family. He has a biological son whose mother hasn't been in his life since he was six months old. When we get into a fight about how to discipline him, my husband says he will take care of it because it's his son, not my son. I came into his life and stepped up to the plate in all areas. So this destroys my heart. I try to follow God's plan for raising children, but my husband doesn't feel like the Bible is a manual for raising kids. What can I do to get past this? That's a tough, tough situation. And we just want to acknowledge that it's complicated on all sides. But to kind of answer your question, first and foremost, the Bible has to be our manual for not only raising kids, but for everything. Because if you and your spouse don't agree on what's the manual like, what's the rule book we're going by, what's the game plan, what's the target we're aiming for? That's like a foundational issue in every marriage. Because if you're coming from two completely separate worldviews, then that's going to be a huge issue in and of itself. And so if your husband is a Christian, then as a Christian, he needs to be challenged to say you can't pick and choose what area of your life. God has authority and doesn't have authority. So, yes, the Bible is our manual for every part of life. And all scriptures, God breathed and is useful for teaching correction. I mean, every bit of it is a marriage book. Every bit of it's a parenting book. Every bit of it's a life book. So I hope that he will agree with you that that's going to be the standard by which you guys choose to raise your kid. But then the other issue here is he's seeing, you know, he's seeing you not as an equal partner in this. I understand some of the complexities of this is my biological kid. And it's just, it can Be messy. You know, blended family life can be uniquely complicated and messy. Some of the good news is when you look at Jesus lineage in Matthew, chapter one, the very first words of the New Testament, it's like God wanted us to know before we knew anything else that the story of Jesus is a story of a lot of broken people, a lot of messy situations, and a lot of blended families. When you look at his lineage, David and Bathsheba, who had Solomon, and when you just kind of look at really what was happening in the families that led to the lineage that led to Jesus our Savior, we see that man, God can redeem all these family situations and bring something beautiful out of it. But that's not to get too sidetracked from your specific question, so your husband, it's not fair for him to look at you as a partner and to accept your help, to give you the responsibility of parenting without giving you any authority in parenting. If you guys are truly going to be partners in all areas, then you need to be partners, you know, in this as well, and to really get on the same page. And he needs to understand that. And the two of you need to work out a plan for what that looks like in a healthy way. That's what's best for the child, first and foremost. But then what's going to create unity in your marriage?

Absolutely. And I just want to say also, you know, I don't know if the woman who wrote this has specifically talked to her husband about how heartbreaking those statements are, because he may not realize that, like, in that moment, he's just angry, he's saying these things, and I'm not making light of that. It's very hurtful. But I think it's important that you point out to him, like, listen, I am the only mother that this child knows, and I love him like he is my own. And so when you say, this is my son, not your son, it literally breaks my heart. And it's like you're just ripping him out of my life and saying, what I have done for this boy doesn't matter. And I know that's not how you truly feel, but you have to realize when you say that, that's how it makes me feel. I think you gotta start there about how this is making you feel, and just to help that resonate with your husb, because that is very hurtful. And I do think, too, this is a situation where I would encourage you both to go to a Christian counselor, because I do think there's a lot, you know, going on here. With the son being biologically his, but you raising the son and him not being sure about getting on the same page with you through parenting. And a counselor would be a great neutral place where they are trained to work through these type of situations and to help you and your husband really lay out a plan about how this is gonna look. And I'm telling you, it would be really great if you could do it sooner rather than later, because it's only gonna get worse and you're only gonna feel more hurt over this. And so I just encourage you both to take action and to find. You know, it could be a pastor, a local Christian counselor, or even one of our marriage coaches here at Xomarriage. And you can set up an appointment to talk to them by going to xomarriage.com coaches. But the bottom line is just getting help and we all need it at some points in our marriage. And I know this is something that is breaking your heart. And so I just encourage you to reach out.

Yeah. And in this situation, even more so than most, that help a trusted mediator, a trained third party counselor or coach to really sit you both down, listen to all sides, and help you navigate a path forward, I think is the wisest next step you could take. So if you don't have that counselor in your area, reach out to the coaches like Ashley just said. Thank you guys so much for the question. Thank you for tuning in. Thank you for subscribing to this podcast, leaving reviews, sharing this podcast together. When you share, you join us in being part of an online community that's helping spread a message of hope and strength to marriages all over the world. And we are honored to be on this journey with you. God bless, guys. We'll see you next time.