Best of 2021

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Well.

I hope you and your families had a wonderful Christmas. I'm sure that you're still cleaning up wrapping paper and eating leftovers, and I hope you're enjoying every minute of it. But we wanted to come to you with a very special best of 2021 episode. We're going to go through our favorite episodes from this past year and we are so excited to reminisce with you.

We are. Because 2021 has been a very unique year. I think it's one of those years that we're going to tell you our great grandchildren about someday. We've lived through a lot collectively this year with the pandemic with just an interesting year in the world. Life looks different, it does at the end of 2021 in good and bad ways, I guess. But there's a lot to be thankful for this year and certainly a lot of great moments here on the Naked Marriage podcast. And we want to thank you for just being part of this community. We want to thank you for your encouragement, your prayers, for leaving reviews, for just listening faithfully every week. And we certainly hope that this year that the Naked Marriage podcast has been a bright spot for you and you certainly been a bright spot for us. And so we put together the special episode to end the year, last episode of 2021. We got great things planned for 2022, but we want to share with you some of our favorite moments and from the feedback, some of your favorite moments from 2021. And the first clip we're going to show you is from our 20th anniversary episode, which aired back in May when we had 20 years of marriage together. And we brought all four of our kids, Cooper, Connor, Chandler, and Chatham, the four most awesome boys in the world, in our opinion. In our opinion. And we had a lot of fun. And we want to share this clip from them answering some fun questions.

We have a Naked Marriage podcast first and we have all four Willis boys here in the studio with us.

Yay.

We're going to be asking them questions about mom and dad and it's going to be a lot of Are you guys Ready? Yes.

I'm excited. Awesome. Well, we're gonna have a lot of fun. But before we dive into the questions.

We'Re gonna do introductions.

I'm Cooper and I'm 16.

I'm Connor and I'm 14.

This is Chatham, and he's six.

I'm Tamara and I'm nine. And I like pizza.

Okay. There you go.

So I'm gonna ask these questions. This is about mom and dad. What have you learned from your parents about what it means to be married? You treat your fouse like your best friend. Whenever you get married and you got kids, you're gonna want a little free time. Gosh. What do you mean by free time? Like, just go on a date every day so you can get free time for free. Every day. Okay, let's go to question two. Oh, you have it. I wanted to say something. When you get married, every day you kiss your wife.

Oh, that's great. You do?

What do your mom and dad do for fun? They go on walks. With each other? No. They go to restaurants and stuff. Hang out with us.

Yeah. We love hanging out with you guys.

Of course. How does your dad show your mom that he loves her? What about your mom? Okay. And they have, like, the leg of love thing. The leg of love. Mom allows that. Okay.

What is the leg of love? The leg of love sounds really naughty. It's really not. The leg of love is when I wrap my leg around her and, like, hold her in a comfortable position.

It's more of a binding position.

Right. So I just like to squeeze her and I wrap my leg all the way around her with, like, spooning. And she hates being confined, and so I can only do it for about five seconds, but.

Yeah, but it's love.

Yeah.

She kisses dad. Really?

Yes. And I love that.

Okay. What is the most embarrassing thing your parents have done? You have one. My mom being naked in the bath.

That's just a bath.

That's just a bath.

Well, of course, in the bath, you better be naked.

Or you could be naked.

Okay, so this one's fun. What are your family traditions? So one of the traditions is every single Christmas, our mom buys us new pajamas, and then we all take a family Christmas picture.

That's right.

We did.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The dinosaur bone thing on top of the pajamas. It was a dinosaur with a Santa hat on. Yeah.

Yeah.

And, Cooper, you had something.

Okay.

Happy 20th anniversary.

Oh, my goodness. I just love hearing their voices. And next we're gonna share. Honestly, I think this might have been my very favorite episode. Besides, I mean, of course, the kids. That's my favorite episode, but really just a super special episode from this past year. And in this clip, you're gonna hear from just a person I admire so much and have learned so much from. And this is a person named Richmond. He's amazing. He has such a story to share with you. If you have not listened to this entire episode, please go back and listen to the entire episode. But here's a little snippet from his interview with us.

Richmond, as we dive in, why don't you just start kind of at the beginning and tell us a little bit about what was life like for you as a child in Uganda?

Well, thank you so much. Here's what I'd like for people to know about me fast, that I feel so lucky to be alive. I feel like some other people, friends of mine, who we are lost along the way, would have done so much more and so much better because they were brilliant. They were simply amazing. But yet friends of mine, like Daniel, who we called Solomon because he was brilliant, ended up passing away. And at a very young age, I saw what children shouldn't see. And so I feel very lucky and so feel very blessed that I can share with you a little bit of my story, a little bit of my journey, and hopefully, reflectively, such that we are able to draw some lessons and some nuggets that we can engage with and wrestle with and hopefully drive us to some actions that can turn the world of a child into something beautiful.

Yes.

So my whole life changed when I was eight years old. It was at the age of eight that my father was murdered in the presence of my mother.

Wow.

Goodness.

On one day, I lost both parents. My father, physically, he was gone, but my mother, emotionally and psychologically, she was not the same. My mother was the kind of woman you called when you were having a bad day. She could talk your ear off. She was loud, and she was funny and exciting, and we enjoyed time with her. But after my father passed, it felt like music left her life. And we, as kids, looked at this lady who we couldn't see how she was the woman we knew before. And so, after laying our father to rest three months later, we got this knock from the landlord that said to us, you can no longer live here. And we knew that day was coming. But on the day that it actually came and we were forced out of our house, we knew that our lives had changed. We ended up being thrown into one of Uganda's largest slums, called Naguru. Naguru was about 19,000 families at the time, approximately 45,000 people. And all of them were living in such a dense community. Small houses, some 10 by 10ft, some 12 by 12ft, a whole line of houses living in the worst sanitation possible. And when I arrived in Naguru, I knew that my life was not going to remain the same. And then doors just began shutting down in front of me. I was first told, richmond, you can no longer go to school. Many of you know, many of you would know that Uganda runs a private education system. If your parents can afford for you to go to school, great, go to school. But if your parents cannot afford for you to go to school and you have no sponsor, you've got to stay home. And so as a child, I was used to going to school, and I enjoyed school. My favorite subject was mathematics. I really enjoyed the mathematics teacher. But I was now told, you couldn't go to school. And so I began staying home. And then the big announcement came from my mother, who said to us, there's no more money for food. See, my mother, she was widowed at the age of 25. I have five siblings, which means at the age of 25, my mother already had six children. She was married. As a teenager, she knew only to stay home and wait for my father's provision. And when my father was now out of the picture, all of us were now hanging onto our arms, wanting her to provide the security and the support that we were used to. And that was not possible. And so my mother was completely devastated. We're living in a country whose government has no plan for women like that. There is no welfare, there is no government support. There's nothing to hang on to. And so in this slum, my mother's life kept deteriorating because, again, being married off as a teenager, she had no education, she had no skill, she had no job, and her health was bad. And so for us as kids, you know, we were in the home and we kind of got used to staying in the slum. But then after my mother said there was no more money for food, what began as visits to the street became a lifestyle. We could just wake up in the morning and go. I used to walk with my little sister Doreen, who was 6 at the time, while my other brothers, Richard, Ronald, Raphael, and my last one sister Sharon, used to go in a different direction. So we could kind of take different paths from home to increase the chances of picking stuff from the road. So like I said, what began as a visit to the street became a lifestyle. And we could just wake up in the Morning and go. And I think sometimes people don't quite get the kind of fear, anxiety and agony that fills the heart of a mother who does not know where her children are. We could wake up in the morning and oh, and my mother just keeps our fingers crossed that we would come back. Because some of you are aware that in Africa there is a lot of child sacrifice in Africa. The roads sometimes are so bad that one big pothole could lead a car off the road and into slumming. So many street children. And in Uganda, that's not unusual. We see every day trucks that have lost their braking system or whatever, just running in and just killing so many children on the side. And so my mother was in a place of difficulty, but she was helpless, not knowing what to do. And so luckily we were able to go out every day and come back home sometimes with greens, sometimes with sugar cane, sometimes with potatoes or whatever we've picked on the street. And we would cook that and eat. Remember, we are not in school. Nothing is occupying our time. And we as kids are just simply trying to survive. But then when the rainy seasons came, for us, it was the worst possible season of the year. So I've met people who said they love rain. And whenever someone says to me, I love the rain, I kind of take two steps back from such a person because I realized we are so different. I recall one night, it was about 2am in the morning and it began to rain. We were living in a 12 by 12 single room which had an old tin roof, and our floor was simply dirt. And when it began to rain, it was loud. And so we were kind of used to that. But this kind of rain came with such a storm and wind and torrent that the central iron sheet of our house was blown off because it was very old. The amount of water that filled our house that night, it changed me. It changed all of us. It felt like our house had become one giant bucket and were in there drowning and being cold in it. And it was not easy night after night. And then when the rainy seasons came, there was cholera. There was. We just didn't know which disease was going to break out in the community. And so I feared the rain. And that's why even to this day, when I hear very loud thunder or lightning, it just transports me back to those days. But yet, in the middle of such great desperation, my mother realized that if nothing changes, she would lose us. And so she reached out for help. And even though she was not a believer and we at home, we're not Christians. Someone told her that, why don't you go to the church? There is a church in the community on the north side that sponsors children. They provide help and she had never heard of Compassion. So my mother, because she's desperate, goes to this church and she tells our story and she was surprised at how fast people from the church came to our home and they took pictures of us and got our birthday information and our story and they said that they would go and try to find sponsors for us. And it wasn't long, probably three, four months later that they came back with the most amazing news. Richmond has got a sponsor.

Wow.

To this day the sound of those words was like the best news ever. I was later on told that my sponsor was a 15 year old girl called Heather.

Wow.

To this day I wonder and marvel what maturity would be given to a 15 year old to decide of her own to leave simply so I could simply leave. I wonder because she took a babysitting job so that she could earn some money and support this young African boy who was dealing with such suffering and pain beyond his years. I wondered what kind of family would raise a child like that with such a perspective of the world. Because being familiar with 15 year olds, most 15 year olds are only concerned about themselves or their immediate family or at least they each year old would be looking beyond the boundaries of their home and beyond the boundaries of their nation to get involved with the issues that other children around the world are battling with.

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Again, Dr. Richmond Wandera, thank you so inspiring for being on the program. Thank you to Compassion International who helped make this possible. Richmond had been a child through the Compassion program. Compassion, of course is a ministry we've supported for years. We currently sponsor three children through it. And after listening to that episode, I just think everyone should want to sponsor a kid because you see the life changing impact it can make. And his story is one that I'll carry with me always.

And I just want to say this. Out of all of our episodes, I remember getting so many emails and Instagram posts like different messages from you guys saying wow. I, I have never heard a story like that. And I just want to thank all of you who sponsored a child after hearing that. So many of you wrote me and said, you know, we didn't even know about Compassion, and now we're sponsoring a child or three children or. Or you've said, I've been a Compassion sponsor for years, and now we've decided to add one more child into our family. And I'm just telling you guys, like, it just. It makes our whole year. Like, whenever I get a message like that, I tear up. And I just thank God for your willingness to do that. So thank you guys.

Yes. Thanks so much. All right, this next episode that we. We want to highlight was a fun one. It's when Ashley's parents came on the program. Bill and Mary McCray. We got so much great feedback. They are a ton of fun, but also shared some. Some nuggets of wisdom, too.

And so they did. And here's a little story that they shared that just. We love so much. But we have totally different personalities. You all know that. They know that Bill's very reserved. I'm very ongoing.

But I love it because you bring out each other's strings without trying to change the other. You know, you complement each other so well. And.

But he's such a good person.

Yes.

You know what I mean? He has the heart, and that's what I. He's got a good heart, too, Mom. Well, thank you, but that's what I noticed most. You were saying, what drew me to Bill? Well, I had an mgb, and Bill went out to the parking lot, and he goes, well, where's the car, guys? Oh, I'm sorry. It's a little sports car. And his little ex girlfriend had one, too. Mine was newer, but. But somebody broke into mine, you know, cut the top. Yes. Stole my stuff. And I'm like, what am I gonna do? Because when I was single, I lived on maybe $3 if I didn't date.

You didn't eat.

Yeah.

So he went and got stuff and fixed it all for me and put it in, which he still does till this day. I know we were just talking, guys. Like, my parents own Airbnbs, and then, of course, they have their own home. And in one week, they had an air conditioner go out, a washing machine go out, and both of these things were like 20 plus years old. And my dad never throw anything out, because they don't. I was going to say my dad, he's so good at just figuring out how stuff works. Like, that's how your brain works, dad. And it's so cool. We have a couple of our kids who are like that and we just make a smile. I love it. But dad of course is fixing it, you know, and 20 year old front loaders and I'm ready to get a new. And he's like, mary, the motor on. This is only $20.

We're gonna fix it.

I said, I'm still getting a new washer and dryer. I'm still getting it, so you gotta work it out, right? I know. And you know, speaking of financial stuff, I wanna say this, like I've watched my parents, you know, we've always had more than we needed. But I know that you guys just, in what you've told me, have gone through lean times.

Oh my goodness.

And my mom actually was a stay at home mom for many years, but I always. And Dave said this before too. She was really the Proverbs 31 woman though, because when we needed extra money. And my dad has owned his business for many, many years and he does very well with that. But if they ever needed something extra because my sister and I did expensive activities like dance and competitive dance and competitive cheerleading. And that involves cheerleading teams. Yeah. So we had. That's why they needed the extra money. And I know that my mom, she would just come up with stuff to do and my dad would support her in that. Or together they would come up with stuff. I had a hair bow business where I would sell like 350 hair bows to a closed community at a dance thing where there's like 2,000 kids. So.

Hey.

Yeah.

And she would always kick in with.

Ideas to make money.

So like at rehearsals we set up.

A thing to sell hot dogs and candy.

Yeah. Yes.

So I mean, anything, anything to make an extra dollar.

Daddy videoed the things and we sold videos.

Yeah. Also I would video. I would video the. Well, you know. Yeah, I would video the.

We were allowed to do it. Yeah, of course. And then sell videos to the parents.

Yeah. This is before anybody had cell phone videos and all this stuff.

Now this was like the big old on the shoulder camera.

Yes.

Yeah. And you had the, the understanding with your electronics background of how to like mass produce tapes and edit and do all that. It was a skill set people didn't have. But YouTube's hard work and resourcefulness is really something to, to learn from. You know, I think especially, you know, one thing I think with, with more recent generations, even our own kids, you know, it's like the minute that they face hardship as a generation, it seems like there's this tendency to say like, oh, well, that's not for me, or I'm just not going to go any farther, because that's hard.

But.

But with you guys, it's like whenever you did face a hardship, it's like you just found a way. It's like, well, this isn't a dead end. This is a challenge. We're gonna figure out and we're gonna get through it. And you always did.

Oh, dear mom and dad, I'm telling you guys what you guys saw. I had so many people who know my parents write me and say, I just loved that. It warmed my heart. But they said, man, your mom was being a little tame because you guys as funny as my mother was on that podcast, that is only like half of the energy that Mary brings to a room. So anyway, love you, mom and dad. Thank you for being on the podcast.

And of course, not only did we have Ashley's parents, but we had my parents, his amazing parents, Brad and Karen Willis. They are just, they're awesome. I love you guys. I still want to be like you when I grow up. And they shared a really touching and powerful moment of vulnerability on their. We had a lot of laughs too. Go listen to it. We laughed a lot.

They're hilarious.

But this clip we want to show you was the most serious moment of the interview where my dad very recently had a near death experience and what that whole trial did to bring them closer to one another. And so listen to this story. Even through the serious stuff, you guys walked through a lot of hard stuff. Even like these past two years, watching dad's health challenges and the way you've leaned on God and each other through that and even on the hard days, you know, still, still trying to keep that sense of humor. I mean, that's, it's been just good to see. And now, now that you're coming out of that, it's even better to see.

Yeah, he's, he's coming back. He's almost back.

Yeah, she called me, I was in intensive care and she said.

It's okay.

She said, don't leave me.

And I said, well, I'm doing the best I can.

But, you know, yeah, gave us a scare. I mean, we really thought.

Yeah, it did. It was rough. He had a pulmonary embolus and he was in Texas. He was working in Texas. And the doctor called and said, you know, it's really serious. He, you know, may not make it through the night. And so I couldn't get there. And so it was like, you know, we Were apart. And. And, you know, it's just one of those things. And, you know, I kept the phone by my bed all night. I didn't sleep all night because they were. They gave him a real strong medication called tpa, the clot buster. And they said, if this works, he will live. If it doesn't, he won't. And so I just waited all night for a phone call, and the phone call never came. And so I was so thankful because I knew he'd made it through the night. And if he lived through the night, they felt like he would live. And so I got there the next day, and he lived. So we're just so grateful. We're so thankful. Really. A miracle. It was a miracle.

We were praying so hard, but that. It was terrifying for all of us. But for you, dad, to be laying there and not knowing what the next minutes would hold, and mom, for you to have to be living with that news and couldn't get there right away, I mean, that's a. That's a. That's as hard as it gets. Yeah, but how God carried you through that and.

Right.

You know, and even through more. I mean.

Yeah. And then. And that was.

And that's the beginning of.

The beginning of embolism led to cancer diagnosis, cancer to a kidney being removed. You had food poisoning after that, you had a staph infection in your knee where you couldn't walk for, you know, better part of a year. And to do some really painful rehab and a knee replacement. And I mean, over the course of a year and a half, I mean, just.

And in the middle of a pandemic.

And the middle pandemic and then the financial pressure of having to cancel work. And with all that, though, just. And I know it was just so, so hard to deal with 20 years worth of struggles all packed into a year and a half. You just never lost your faith. You kept leaning on God, leaning on each other, and. And what a. Just what a great example that is for us. I mean, it's just prepare us for. Well, you know, when we face hard, hard stuff, to just be like, I want to face it like mom and dad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, the Lord, he gives you the strength.

Because I. I told the doctor, I said, I'm a Christian. So I went either way, you know.

If I pass, I'll be with Jesus. And if I live, then I'll still be here.

So.

Yeah.

And he said, well, I don't.

I don't think you got a good chance to make it. And I said, well, you know, either way. But he was wrong. Yeah. You are.

Yeah.

The wolf man. The wolf man fighter. It's always been the name. Brad has football.

That's right. He is the wolf man because he's, he's also a lot hairier than me. I'm not sure what happened to me. Dad. Dad's hair follicles have extra hair follicles.

Like they like sprout hair follicles.

Yeah, they do. But me, like my kids make fun of the fact that I still can't grow a whole beard at 43. I don't know when puberty is going to set in for me. So funny eventually.

But it's so true what you said because it's, you know, Brad has always been healthy as a horse. So it's like, you know, this kind of came out of nowhere and then it's all been kind of, you know, concentrated in one time segment and it's been, it's been a season of trial, I guess, or difficulty, as you would say. But, but truly, I mean, we can say that from our heart. God has been faithful. He has taken care of every need for us. And as difficult as it's been, it's been kind of a sweet time too, you know, if you can say that. Because, you know, it's. We've leaned on each other and leaned on the Lord in a whole new way.

Yeah.

And it's, it's, it's been good and the bad. So it's hard to say it's bad because Brad lived and you know, and it's, you know, every, you know, it's just been so sweet.

That would disagree with.

No, no, no.

You're so thankful.

The best answer to prayer in our lifetime is you pulling through.

Absolutely. And I love. We Actually on the way over here, before this recording, we were talking about how you guys did infuse humor even in that and using Alexa to brighten up your day.

Oh yeah.

Just playing silly music.

Oh, we do.

Just keeping it. You know, I do think especially going through health challenges when, gosh, I mean, because a lot of. I think especially in, in your all's case there was a lot of unknown with the timing. Like they would tell you you're going to walk on this day, but then there'd be more pain or then there'd be a setback and that can be really demoralizing and it would be easy to, to even get really angry at God. I mean it's. We're human, you know, God, why, You know, and I just. And I, and I'M sure you guys had days like that where it was a rough day.

Yeah.

But I just know that so much of the time, you guys would somehow find a way to laugh or find, you know, find hope in the middle of all this. And how. What do you think? What are some ways you did that? Like, what helped you the most, would you say?

For me, personally, I think the most powerful thing is, is to be grateful and thankful. And so there are days, you know, you can wake up in a day and you can think about the things that, you know you don't have or that aren't going right or that, you know, are lacking, but then you can think about all the things that you have to be thankful for. And so throughout the day, I would just really consciously think, oh, my goodness, I'm so thankful that, you know, I am able to take care of Brad, you know, that I'm able to do that physically, that I'm healthy. And I would think about, you know, how our needs were being met financially. And I was so thankful for that how, you know, I just would, you know, consciously really be thankful for things. And sometimes I would write them down, you know, oh, Lord, I'm just so thankful for this, you know, controlling your thoughts, you know, and like the scripture says, you want to take those negative thoughts captive. You know, things that come in and say, oh, well, things are never going to be the same, or, you know, how are you going to pull out of this? Or, you know, you can go down that road and that's so. It can become a big black hole, and you just have to stop those thoughts and think, no, you know, I am just so thankful. I'm so thankful Brad's here, and I'm so thankful. And I would think about all you kids and all of our grandchildren. We have nine healthy grandchildren, and we have such a wonderful life, and we have so much to be thankful for. And there's something about, I guess, you know, you kind of have thankfulness and then you kind of go into, like a praise and worship almost. It's like, like, oh, you just. You just kind of, you know, there's something about being thankful that God just is. You just feel him so close, you know, when you think about. And for me, that is, I think, the most powerful tool for me personally, is just choosing to be thankful.

Oh, I just love that Brad and Karen were on the podcast. We love you guys. Thank you so much for being on here with us. One of our. I mean, really a dream come true to be able to. To share our Parents with you guys, we just, we just love it. And hopefully maybe in the future we'll have them on again because they have so much wisdom to. All right, guys, we have saved the biggest announcement for last. And it is no shocker to Dave and I that the most popular episode of 2021 is Masturbation in marriage.

Oh, right. This is a touchy subject. Oh, it was hard for us to get a grip on this one.

Oh my gosh.

Can we even say that?

I am cringing. I'm cringing.

Oh, so many, so many inappropriate.

If you like more dad jokes like these that are a little bit inappropriate and you have not listened to the entire masturbation and marriage episode, please go give it a listen.

But we talk about more than just dad jokes. It is.

No, it legit has good information in it, I believe. So we got a lot of, we got a lot of emails about this too, obviously.

Yeah.

So, yeah, without further ado, here's a little clip for you. And just to start the conversation, I'll just say that a lot of the masturbation that's happening in our culture is really. I'm not saying that this is everybody's situation, but a lot of it is kind of fueled by pornography. So anything that's fueled by porn is automatically wrong. And I'm not saying this in like a preachy, judgy way. I was caught in this cycle from like my teenage years into young adulthood where I would get caught up in pornography. And then even when I would break free from it for periods of time, like as a late teenager, young adult, I still was in this cycle of self gratification that was being fueled by these images that had been put in my mind through pornography. So even though you're not watching it in real time, if. If you're acting out on that because of kind of porn fueled fantasies, then that's clearly out of bounds. We have so much content about why this is so dangerous. I've lived it, you know, I've seen that it hurt, you know, my own life. It hurt our marriage in those early years when I fell back into this cycle. So that I would say is out of bounds. Like, if you're looking, if you're getting fueled up by porn or whatever else and you're having this fantasy that does not include your spouse and you're, you're, you're acting out that fantasy through self gratification, that that's out of bounds. Now where it gets a little more nuanced is when it's the situations like this. Like, am I allowed to. Am I allowed to have this experience at all? Like, is there ever a time where I can. Is this just a freedom that I have? Is this something that we. I've just been kind of rambling right now, thinking of my next dad joke. So why don't you dive in? Because I'm. I'm dying to hear what you have to say, my love.

Well, I want to say, first of all, I think that a lot of times people assume that masturbation. And really, traditionally, kind of in the past, they would assume it's just men masturbating. And that's what you hear. Like, oh, it's a male problem. But let me tell you guys, more and more, we hear from women who really struggle with masturbation. And I really believe that a lot of times it's the same reason that men, you know, struggle with masturbation is because maybe their sexual needs, like, they, you know, maybe have a higher libido and it's not being met. Or maybe they're watching porn. I mean, women struggle with porn, too.

And we're in the vibrator generation now.

Exactly. That's what I was gonna talk about. So, like, there is such. There's such a push not only through pornography, but also through Cosmo, through Freeform, you guys. Like, through shows on Freeform, which is, like, supposed to be a family channel. I'm telling you, you'll watch these, like, little programs, which I've stopped watching because I'm like. I just feel like it's telling a narrative that I don't want my kids to think, you know, is healthy. But there is this assumption through a lot of these successful women that if you're not, you know, masturbating with a vibrator, then you're missing out. And there was actually an article, and this was a few years ago in. I think it was Cosmo or something related to Cosmo. I can't remember the source, but it was talking about how there's a lot of young women getting used to using a vibrator. And when they actually, you know, get married and are having intercourse, they're unable to orgasm because they're so used to the stimulation that a vibrator provides that a man can't possibly. Because evidently, they make these vibrators, you know, not. It's not like. Like an actual male. Male genitalia. And so it's. It's not. It's not something that would. Would mimic sex. It's actually going deeper and stimulating the female More. And so you. You have desensitized and desensitizing being able.

To enjoy formal intercourse.

And we hear from people like this and. And we've heard, you know, and there are. I guess there's certain situations where maybe, you know, a husband, for whatever reason, you know, can't stimulate his wife in that way. And I guess as a couple, they're using that. And so we're not shaming anybody here at all, but we are saying when you are using something, whether. Whether it's. It's just gratifying yourself using something like a vibrator to gratify yourself, and you're thinking about porn and you're just caught up in this world where it's just all about you satisfying your sexual needs. That. That is where this is a major issue, because you lose the desire to connect with your spouse. Sex is meant to connect you and your spouse. It's meant to bring you closer together physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. And so when we look to masturbation to fulfill those needs, we're desensitizing ourselves not only physically to not desire it, but also emotionally, spiritually, mentally. And that's why we hear from so many of you saying, I want to stop this. Like, I mean, I remember fairly recently, we received several messages from different women saying, I don't like. Like the thing that you mentioned, Dave. I don't like that I do this. I don't like that I want to do this. But I am caught in this. This habit of wanting to masturbate and then feeling really frustrated because my body has gotten accustomed to the satisfaction that masturbation brings me, and I'm having a hard time stopping. And so, you know, in those situations, what I would tell you, just like any addiction, and I'll use the word addiction, I believe you can be addicted to masturbation. Absolutely is. You have to. You have to get clean, so to speak, and you have to stop it and fight those feelings. Just like somebody. A junkie coming off, you know, getting used to taking drugs, or an alcoholic being used to drinking alcohol regularly. We have to get sober. You know, we have to stop and really allow the Lord to get us healthy again. I mean, that's really essentially what it is.

Yeah. And don't live in shame. That's why we're talking about this, the shame cycle. Shame is from the enemy. Shame is not God's deal. Now, conviction is something the Holy Spirit can bring. Conviction is like when you. When you touch a hot stove and it hurts, that's your body's way of saying, hey, this isn't good for you. Get away from that conviction. Is God's way of doing that kind of on a soul emotional level of saying like, oh, that sting.

I'm feeling like this isn't good for.

You is from God on my conscience saying that this isn't good for you. It might feel good in a moment, but it's not good for you long term. And so we need to pull away from that because that addictive behavior is going to desensitize you in a lot of ways and it's going to put a gap between you and your spouse. Now, before we kind of land the plane on this, though, what about those situations, those scenarios where it's not this, this kind of like lifelong cycle, you know, but it's, it's the guy that, that can't have sex with his wife for, for several months because she's just had a baby or there's a sep. You know, they're, they're physically living in different places. You know, I'm not going to jump in and referee and say like it's, it's right or wrong. I think if you're thinking, if you're focusing your thoughts on your spouse and you're open and you're honest about what's going on and you're not doing this in secret, I think that that could definitely be a freedom that we have in those kind of situations. I don't see anything in scripture that directly forbids or condemns, you know, that as long as it's not fueled by lust from somebody else and you're being completely honest. Anytime there are secrets in marriage, then that secrecy by itself is out of bounds. But the goal is always connecting with one another and sharing that sexual experience together. It was never meant to be just a solo act. God didn't create sex to be a solo act. And so it's. Is, is it okay or not okay? I'm not the one to referee that. But it's, it's not the best, it's not ideal because God wants all of our sexual experience really to be tied together, shared with one another.

Well, guys, thank you so much for going through the best of 2021 with us and reminiscing on some of our favorite episodes and the most popular epis. We just love you guys. Thank you again for spending a little bit of your day with us. We do not, we do not take that for granted. We know you guys have busy schedules and the fact that you would choose to have a little time with us and you feel like you're getting something out of this podcast. It means the world to us.

It does. Before we wrap up, a couple quick announcements. Our brand new book, the Counterfeit Climax, is going to come out soon and we're so excited to share this book with you and we want to invite you to be on the launch team for it. Yes. So you can not only help us get the word out about it, but you can be among the very first to read it. If you go to thecounterfitclimax.com you can get all the information about how to preorder the book, how to get on the launch team, how to get early access to it. We would love for you to be part of that. Secondly, we've got a bunch of live events happening early in 2022 and throughout all of 2022. If you go to xomarriage.com you can get the full conference schedule. We would love to meet you at one of the live events in 2022. And in addition to those, we've got a lot of great stuff planned right here on the podcast. We believe it's going to be a great year and we just want to be among the first to wish you a happy New Year. We'll see you soon.

Sam.