Bridging The Orgasm Gap

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Welcome back to the Naked Marriage podcast. We're Dave and Ashley Willis and on this podcast we Undress the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. Recording live today at the Exo Marriage center in South Lake, Texas, the marriage.

Capital of the world.

And if you are in the Dallas Fort Worth area, ever come by and see us. You can watch live recordings. You can get a drink at the XO Press, which is best coffee shop in town.

Yep.

And. And it's a really great facility. We'd love to have you stop by and also come to one of our live events that we do not only here in the Metroplex, but all over the country. You can go to exomarriage.com get the full scoop on that. We're wrapping up a series we've been calling Sexy September.

That's right.

About how to, you know, just refocus your sex life not only this month, but all year round. We're stopping it after this week because next week our new book on in laws comes out. It's called Married into the Family, the Not so Secret Guide to In Law Relationships. We are so excited about this resource and we're going to start a four week podcast series specifically on healthy in law relationships inspired by the book. But go ahead and pre order that book. I really think it'll be an encouragement to you. We're thrilled with the way it came together.

It's also an audiobook.

Yeah. And we had fun.

It was so fun.

So go to Amazon, get the audiobook, the paperback, whatever you want. It's going to be good. But today we're wrapping up Sexy September with. With quite the climax.

It is quite the climax. And that is a play on words. So we are talking about what we're referring to as the orgasm gap, meaning that one spouse maybe is experiencing orgasm most of the time when you guys have sex, but then the other is not. And so we're going to talk about how do we, how do we close that gap? So let's dive in. All right, so we're talking about orgasm, you guys, and we're going to call it orgasm the whole time. So get used to it. We probably should have given a warning for who have kids in the car with them. But you all know it's sexy September. So this is.

Yeah, you saw the title conversation about sex.

True, true, true.

So there's no false advertising here.

That's right.

So the orgasm gap, it's a common, common thing. It's a common thing. It's a common thing.

I hear about this all the time in the emails you guys send us and couples that we talk to. And I think that most married couples have experienced this to some extent. Wouldn't you say, sweetie? In different seasons they have.

Now, it's not always gender specific, but just statistically and stats, they don't tell the whole story, but they do matter. The orgasm gap statistically refers to the fact that women in marriages have orgasms far less frequently than men. Now, this isn't totally surprising just because of the physiology of the way that God designed our bodies, where for most men, it's a quicker process, it's a simpler process in that most men don't require as much foreplay. They don't require as much time to get to orgasm. In fact, if anything, a lot of guys struggle with climaxing too early. And that's a whole separate issue. And that's part of why maybe the wife isn't having orgasm, is the guy's finishing too early, not waiting for her, not physically able to wait for her, and then not helping her by some other means, either kind of reloading and trying again or helping her through oral or manual stimulation to get to that point. Or maybe she's not open to that, and so she's just to say, well, all right. Well, if we can't finish at the same time, then we just won't do it. But finishing at the exact same time is kind of like finding a unicorn, right? It's just, I think maybe, you know, TV and movies and stuff have created this myth that that's just normal sex, but it's so rare, even with couples who've been together for years, that you're. That you're gonna be able to consistently finish at the same time. But what is important is for both of you to finish.

Right? Right. And that takes a lot of, again, communication. Okay.

And willingness to serve one another.

And willingness to serve. And I think that I hear from a lot of women that a lot of times it's, you know, it's impossible to experience an orgasm with their husband or that he's doing something wrong or anything like that. But it's that they just get to the point where they're like, I don't know how long this is gonna Take me. And I don't know if I want to put the time that is required into that. And so, you know, they end up saying, listen, I'm just tired. I'm not gonna be able to last through the time that it's probably gonna require me to get to that point. And so, you know what? Let's just wait till next time.

I'm tapping out.

I'm tapping out, right? And a lot of times the husband, too, maybe he's to the point where he's tired, too, and he's like, well, okay, I'm trying to hold it back. And, you know, or whatever the case may be. But what we need to do again is really get to the heart of what. What is a good kind of sweet spot to get the woman there or to get the man there. You know, this is called the G spot. And actually, I mean, there. Sometimes, you know, you can even talk to, like, your doctor about this to understand yourself more. There are even Christian sex therapists that can talk through these things and give you exercises to discover as a woman, like, where that spot is. You're looking very shocked by this. But I'm not shocked.

No. I'm just. I'm just excited. I'm like.

I'm just trying to hold my beauty. Okay.

I'm just trying to hold back my visible excitement.

Oh, my goodness. Okay. Well, no, but there are these things, because sometimes as a woman, we just don't even know where that spot is. And what we may not realize is that the position that we frequently maybe are having sex with our spouse. Spouse. Isn't a position that is most conducive to us achieving or experiencing that orgasm because it's not hitting that spot. And so it's important to, like, know where that spot is and then consider other positions. Like, maybe you need to be on top. Like, maybe that needs to happen. Maybe there needs to be other stimulation going on to get you to that climax. And that can look a lot of different ways.

Right. And most women, you know, different studies I've seen or heard or what, like, at least half. And by some, like, most women will need more than just intercourse to reach climate change, than just penetration, than just penetration. They'll need some sort of clitoral stimulation that's.

Or even nipple stimulation.

Right. But to focus on an erogenous zone.

Sure. Right.

And that extra stimulation is what is going to be necessary to help kind of get her to the finish line.

Right.

And you got to know just how to communicate that. You got to be able to tell Your husband, what you want, what feels good, what you need him to do to help get you there. And husbands, you need to be willing to do that. And again, that's why we talk about communication and sex so much. You got to say what feels good. You have to say what feels bad. You have to say what you want, what you need. And don't just say, well, it's not important. It's not worth the effort, or I'm embarrassed to ask. So I'm just not gonna ever really get there. Because when you settle for not having an orgasm consistently, you're not only depriving yourself, but you're really depriving your spouse. Because one of the greatest pleasures of a spouse is to see that pleasure on your spouse's face and to know that you helped create that moment, that connection.

Because it's about connection.

It's about connection.

Exactly.

It's about deep connection. Just the hormones that are released in a body during orgasm are meant to create bonding and closeness. It's the way God designed us. And so there's a bonding that happens through that moment of climax. And if you're never experiencing it, then you're both missing out on not only the pleasure, but that moment of bonding that accompanies it.

Exactly. I think, too. I know for women specifically, but even for some men, I mean, this isn't just women who maybe can't consistently have orgasm. I think that sometimes men, for maybe a mental hangup, maybe trauma from their past. I mean, sometimes there is sexual abuse that has happened for either the man or the woman that they have never gotten past. They've never healed from that. They've never, you know, sought professional help. And they're so embarrassed, and they feel shame associated with that, even though, gosh, this was something that was done to them. No fault of their own at all. But I think that. And they don't really want to talk about it with their spouse because it's triggering, and they really need to seek, you know, a professional Christian counselor and maybe even do. And I was actually talking with Irene Rollins about this, which if you want to hear more about getting past something like sexual abuse, please go and listen to the Rollins podcast. This is part of their history. It's excellent. It's called the Two Equals One podcast. And actually, I. Karen and I were having a great conversation. I didn't even get to tell you about this, but you guys know that I'm in a master's program for biblical counseling, so I geek out on this stuff, but. And I've Also gone through a lot of therapy myself. But there is something called EMDR therapy and it's something where it helps to especially things like sexual abuse, like very deep seated wounds, trauma that you've experienced that you just haven't overcome. It's a type of therapy that helps to literally do the job of, with it, with obviously the Holy Spirit being the greatest counselor in that room, but to do the job of renewing your mind, of giving, like renewing the synapses, of renewing the pathways that constantly are plaguing you and reminding you that you've been sexually abused or like triggering you constantly. And so when it comes to sex specifically, there are counselors and even Christian sex therapists. Please make sure it's a Christian sex therapist. They are out there, you know, they are. There's not a whole lot of them, but they are out there.

Dr. Michael Sytsma is a great way to look up. He's been on this podcast.

Great resources.

Y T S M a probably the most respected Christian sex therapist in the.

Country and just highly researched, educated, I mean amazing.

His whole clinic and practice would be a great place to start.

It would even just to get resources. But I think going to someone like that to overcome even if it's not abuse, but just a sexual hangup, I think that it's important to be willing to go to therapy because our mind is our greatest sex organ. Right. I mean that influences everything. And I think sometimes both men and women have these mental hangups where there's an orgasm gap because they're like, they either feel shame associated with sexual pleasure because of abuse or because of maybe past choices they made with previous partners. It could be a lot of different things. And they're replaying these, these scenes in their mind and just cannot, they cannot enjoy sex. And so it's going to take going to a professional for that. And I think too again that that can affect both men and women. But I also think that, you know, I just think that sometimes we don't spend enough time just making out. Like we don't give making out, it's due time. You know, we associate making out with like, you know, a teenager, you know, kissing heavily like your first boyfriend, girlfriend. Like that's what we think of. But making out should also be part of marriage, right?

Absolutely.

Just kissing and really enjoying the kissing, touching, just really have enjoying each other's bodies before you actually get to the intercourse. I think that that's going to enhance and get you the climax. I mean you're literally building, you are Building up. You are having. I mean, I'm a music person. I was in marching band all through high school. Like, this is building up to the crescendo like you, you're doing those things to build to the, to the ultimate thing, which is the orgasm, the ultimate connection point. And so I think that so many times we stop short of that and we just expect our bodies to just follow suit and like experience the orgasm. But really it's like we've not enjoyed each other enough. So give it some time. Like, give it some time. Take your time. Don't always be in a rush. And I mean, I'm preaching to the choir here because we're busy parents, you know, we get it. But I think that we do need to take more time with each other.

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That's huge. Take more time. And especially husbands. You be the ones to be, to be patient. Because again, how most of us are wired up. Not all, but for most men we're more microwaves where women are more kind of ovens. Right. You know, it takes them longer to warm up now. They can burn really hot for a really long time once they're warmed up. But that warm up time, you gotta give the oven time to preheat, where a guy, you just hit a button and the microwave is hot. It's a different process. And so men just be sensitive to that. Serve your wife in that way. Don't just rush to the finish line as fast as you can. Because the connection happens in every aspect of sex. It's in the foreplay, it's in the kissing, it's in just slowing down and making sure that she's having time to really fully enjoy it because she's going to need more likely more time than you to get there.

Exactly. And it's really in all the conversations you had that day, that week, all the different little things that have happened outside of the bedroom. We have a whole podcast on that, on the intimacy outside the bedroom, the conversations, the connection points, how you serve one another, that affects, you know, for some, whether or not they're actually going to have an orgasm, because mentally, they're just not quite there yet. Like, and this is true that people don't talk about this enough. Trust is an essential part of a thriving sex life and an orgasm. Because if you don't trust your partner, it's hard, you know, especially for women, it's hard for us to fully, like, embrace, you know, and kind of abandon all the rest of the thoughts going on and fully embrace the romance and this experience that we're having with our spouse, if we feel like it, that he's not trustworthy or that he's done something to deeply hurt us or he talked kind of harshly to us that day. Like, it's really hard for us to overcome that. So, you know, it's important that we have these conversations that build trust, these actions that build trust, and our relationship is in good standing, because then we're more likely, you know, to be able, on the emotional side of things, because we talked about the physical, we've talked about the mental, but on the emotional side of things, to feel that connection.

Yeah. So good. And the one other aspect of sex is not just the emotional physical, but there's a spiritual aspect.

Spiritual, absolutely.

And I think pray together. Pray specifically for your sex life. And maybe the thought of that just seems so bizarre, but God made you. He made sex. He made marriage. He wants you and your spouse to thrive. He wants you to have a thriving, connected sex life. And that is a good prayer to pray. And as you pray, you're reminding yourselves that, like, you know what? This is a gift that God gave us, a sacred gift, an important gift. And I don't want to cheapen it. I don't want to diminish it or devalue it. But let's treasure this gift for what it is and let's invite him to lead this part of our marriage because it's something that he created. He wants us to thrive. And the more you connect to your spouse on a spiritual level, I think the easier it is to connect to your spouse on a physical level.

I think so, too. And we need to remember, too, that we don't need to point fingers at each other or put pressure on each other and feel like our spouse is less than, because either they're not experiencing orgasm or that they're not giving us the experience of an orgasm. We've got to let love and respect lead the way because, I mean, I think if we get too hyper focused on whether or not we've had an orgasm that time we had sex, we kind of lose the point of sex. Right? It can't just be about that. But on the flip side of that, I do think it's very important to address it because, you know, sometimes people assume that, like, I mean, we've heard from people where they've been married for 20 years and the wife has never had an orgasm. And then when she finally. And he finally decided, like, you know what, we're really going to pray about this, we're going to seek a doctor about this, we're going to get counseling, whatever it is that they needed, and really started focusing on, really their sex life and hoping to have an orgasm. All of a sudden she's having an orgasm and she's like, I didn't even know what I was missing. I just thought that there was something wrong with me. Like, I mean, we hear that a lot. I thought there was something wrong with me.

Yes, but the prayer can change things. But oftentimes there is something that can.

Be, or there might be a diagnosis, for instance.

And again, this isn't like, this is a very common thing. It's not talked about enough. We've talked about it here. We've interviewed specialists on this. Google this. You can find a specialist in your area, but there are physical therapists who specialize in what's called the pelvic floor, which is the base of muscles at the foundation of the groin that support kind of the whole sexual function, really. And when those muscles are extra tight or, I mean, there's a lot of different factors, it can inhibit the whole sexual process. And for women in particular, it can make sex painful. It can make orgasm more difficult to reach. But there are exercises that you can do that can correct all of that. Right. And so you don't have to keep living that way. I mean, you can get the help that you need. There's no shame, there's no stigma. This is just, you know, this is a pretty easy fix. With the pelvic floor specialist.

Yes.

You can Google the episodes we've done or just Google, you know, a pelvic floor specialist or physical therapist in your area and make an appointment. And I'm telling you, it could be a game changer. It could be a life changer to you, especially in this aspect of your life.

It's amazing too I think sometimes even I was guilty of this before we talked to those ladies at Genesis PT here in the DFW area. But I always thought when I heard about the pelvic floor or even sex therapists, you do these kind of things that these were like weirdo exercises that were kind of almost wrong in and of themselves. But I was ill informed, you know what I'm saying? A lot of the exercises, there are some exercises that involve your genitalia, for lack of a better word. But most of them are actually just exercises that I would equate to, especially for the pt. They show them on Instagram. You can go look at them. Some of them are really just reinforcing different muscles in your body that help to accompany everything going on in your pelvis. And they're just like Pilates type exercises. You lift your weights slightly different or do more of a calisthenic kind of exercise that reinforces the ab muscles and the groin muscles and it kind of like gets it all working together. And it's really been fascinating because I've actually followed one of the physical therapists with Genesis Health, or Genesis PT is I think what it's called. And you can go back to that episode that Dave was referencing, but she was showing how even just changing the way that you do your ab work can actually also reinforce your pelvic floor and enhance your sex life. And I just thought, man, we don't even think that it could be as simple as that now. It takes time, right? I mean, and so I just think, you know, because like I said, I was guilty of making assumptions that this was kind of bizarre, but really it's not. It's very helpful and it's life changing.

Yeah, it really is, guys. So the bottom line, this whole little mini series we've done is make it a focus to prioritize your sex life and then focus on the solutions that you need. If there's any area of hang up to solve that solution and your sex life will be better for it. But don't make excuses to stay in a rut. Don't just say, well, this is how it is. This is how it's always going to be. Because you're denying yourself and your spouse the precious gift that God intended to give you, which is the connection that can come through sex. And that's a beautiful gift he made for married couples. So don't miss out on it unnecessarily. And I hope the solutions we've talked about in these short episodes have helped. And some of the other resources we've pointed to have been helpful to you. Thanks so much for taking this time to invest in your own marriage. Thank you for spreading the word for leaving reviews. We really appreciate all that you do to help others discover the conversations that we're having here. So you're partnering with us in this ministry when you do that. If we haven't already, we hope to meet you at one of our live events real soon. You can get the full schedule@xomarriage.com youm can also stay connected to it us on Instagram. Avandashley Willis and we look forward to seeing you for the next episode.