Culture Clashes in Marriage

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Hello, and welcome to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast, we address the truth about sex, intimacy, and lifelong love. And this episode, I think, is one of my favorite that we've ever done. You're going to want to stick around to the very, very end of this, both the question that we answer at the end and the guests that we have. We've got Terry and Kiwi Cook here. Sweetie, why don't you tell us a little bit about them?

They are such an amazing couple. You know, we're going to be talking about cultural differences today, and Kiwi is from the Philippines, and Terry is from Chattanooga, Tennessee. So as you can imagine, there were some cultural clashes there, not only with each other, but with their families. And so we're going to unpack that. And this episode is just so good. So like Dave said, stay till the very end and let's dive in.

I am so excited about this conversation today and the couple we've got here in the studio with us, because every couple, on some level, does go through navigating cultural differences, even if you were raised in the same town, just because, you know, like you and I, our families had different traditions and upbringings and ways of doing things, and you've got to kind of navigate that. And then that can be amplified many times over when you're talking about coming from two different sides of the world and two different countries and two different cultures in every single way.

Yes.

And so we're so excited to talk here today with Terri and Kiwi Cook. You heard about them in the intro. And guys, I just want to say welcome. Welcome to the Naked Marriage podcast.

Thank you for having us. We're excited.

Absolutely.

Now, as we dive straight into the. The kind of the cultural differences. Kibi, of course, is from the Philippines originally. Terry's from. From Tennessee. And so it's two different worlds coming together. But before we get there, just tell us real quick again the story of how you met, because you were telling us that at breakfast, and I just, that's great. I just love this story. So walk us through. And I want to know the pickup line you used specifically, because that one, I think wasn't maybe in the original story. If you can remember it, I'd love to hear it because this is good story.

We do want to hear that.

Do you want to tell the story?

So the. The honest version of the story is the raw version. The raw version of the story is that we met at a bar. And we usually, like, don't tell everybody, because when you say we, you met at a bar. Oh, my God.

It's a restaurant that turns into a bar.

There's a stigma right away. So me and another couple friends and another guy friend, I used to live in Dalton, Georgia, because I work there. We always go to Chattanooga, Tennessee, and then we go to this hangout place, and there we are. My two guy friends went out to just, like, chit chat, and my other girlfriend was with me. We were chatting, and then Terry comes over and he said, hey, my name is Terry. I want to get to know you, but I've never had a boyfriend.

I think I said, what did you say? I think I said, wow, you're pretty. What's your name? Hi, I'm Cherry.

And then I told. But I never had a boyfriend. I was always telling my friends, I'm nbsb. No boyfriend since birth. And I was raised in a church, so I don't want to meet other people, like, out, especially at the bar. So I told him, I'm sorry, I'm married.

So the relationship. I love this.

So your response to his pickup line is, I'm married.

She instantly got very closed off. Like, closed off. And, yeah, then she said that she was married, and I had a walk of shame.

A walk.

I was gonna say ugly, but maybe just disappointing. Walk of shame back to my other friend that was waiting on me. He's like, so, how'd it go? I'm like, not good.

But after 20 minutes, he came back.

And he said, I was fixated on you. And I did go back. Well, I. I paid my tab. I paid my tab because I thought, okay, I'm gonna cash out, and then I'm gonna go back and talk to her one more time. And then that way, if she shoots me down again, I'll just leave.

So you think from the start she's not wearing a wedding ring, she's lying about being married? Yes. I'm like, wait a minute.

She's just playing hard to get. She wants me to pursue her. I get it.

Right, right.

So I go back and I'm like, hey, I know you said you were married, but where's your wedding ring? And she was like, I usually don't.

Wear my wedding ring.

She stayed with the lie.

Stayed with it.

Sorry, I already repented about that.

Then one of her friends, who's actually in our wedding, walks by and she goes, oh, this is my husband. And he goes, I'm not her husband. She's single. Yes.

The truth comes out.

There you go. So he never stopped texting after that.

So we exchanged phone numbers, she gave in a little bit, and we started texting that night.

Well, that's so neat. And you guys have been married seven years.

Seven years.

So awesome.

We've been together for nine. We were engaged for almost two years.

Two years?

Yeah, around about two years.

That's great. And I know, you know, with her family being in the Philippines, your family being here in Tennessee, I'm assuming they're still in Tennessee.

They're in Tennessee. The only family I have in Dallas is I have my. My aunt, and they live in Richardson. Yeah.

And there's. I'm sure there's a huge learning curve. Like, and just as your worlds are coming together and. And I know there are a lot of different ways. You were talking about Christmas Eve, Christmas in the Philippines. You start celebrating in September and go through January. And so you're talking about bringing out the tree in September. And. And Terry's thinking, like, what? What are you talking about? But there are a million things like that. And so as you're dating, as you're bringing these worlds and cultures together and trying to figure out, you know, how to make it work as a couple with these, These two different worldviews, what were some of the biggest things to overcome the biggest hurdles?

I can think of one, right off the bat, prime example, American gatherings. Thanksgiving, Christmas, you know, whatever your family does. American families get together, they have a big dinner. And what do they do after that dinner? They go and sit in the living room and do nothing.

Right.

It's awesome.

So many times. She was like, what are we gonna do now? And I'm like, we're doing it.

This is it.

We're doing it.

We've eaten a lot of food for hours.

For hours. Americans will sit two to three hours. And there might be a little chit chat, but essentially nothing.

Some football on. Watch football.

Watch a movie.

Yeah.

Oh, no. Filipinos. We have a production number.

What do you do? Like, what do you do after a meal?

So after. So the meal. So the food stays on the table and you can eat anytime. Like, even if you have eaten, you can eat after two hours or after 20min. And then we have karaoke, we have games, we have. Yes. We have exchange gifts and we just have games all night long until when it's over.

So there's always something, there's always something stimulating to do.

So when you kind of ran into that and you're like, well, she has this expectation that there's more to this.

Yeah.

Like, how did you deal with that? Because I'm sure it would be frustrating because you're like, look, I just want to lay on the couch and maybe take a nap.

Yeah.

The first few times it was like, you know, I could tell she was like, what's, what are we going to do now? But it does over time, if you don't address that. Yeah, it does become an issue because, you know, your spouse is. Has that expectation of what she's used to. Right. And you know, we got married. She was, you know, in her 30s. So I mean, you have all that time frame that you're used to certain traditions and American culture is exactly what we described. So.

Yeah.

I mean, if you don't sit down and talk about. Can definitely cause a strife.

For sure.

Yeah. I know there's a lot to navigate. And something really poignant you guys said at breakfast as we were talking is in counseling.

Yeah.

When the counselor or the pastor said, now, just because, you know, you were raised one way and he or she was raised another way, it doesn't mean that your way is automatically right. Your way is automatically wrong. But at the same time, trying to find a way to celebrate each other's cultures and celebrate each other's preferences and find a way to bring those worlds together and navigate it. How did you. Was it one thing at a time or was it like just walk us through that process of navigating a way to make your relationship work. Basically. In spite of these two very different.

Perspectives, we did see, we did seek a counselor at our church.

That's so wise.

He is one of our senior pastors and yeah, he helped us with a lot of those communication issues because that's not communicating in a healthy marriage. Expecting, oh, I'm American, you're in America now and this is how we do it.

Right. Yeah.

And I think a lot of spouses think that way. Well, you're in America now and you're living here.

Yeah.

You need to just succumb to the culture.

Right.

But that's not a healthy marriage. That's not Valuing your spouse, whether it's your husband or your wife. And you need to try to figure out how can we do a little bit of both.

Like, I think we work with so many couples who will let the tiniest little differences become this huge wedge in their marriage and they'll just fight and say, no, I'm right, you're wrong. My family's ways, right, your family's way's wrong. You've had to navigate every aspect of your life and relationship to make a marriage thrive and work. And you're doing it that you're saying our relationship with each other and the culture we're creating together is a priority, and we're gonna just, we're gonna make the rest work. And so what would your advice be? To just get real practical to those who are listening. And maybe, maybe couples are listening who do come from different sides of the world, but many of them just are navigating the different culture of having two different families, maybe even in the same hometown, but they were raised in slightly different ways, and those slight differences are becoming a wedge in their marriage. So what would you do to, what would you suggest to couples who are just stuck on the little differences in the way they were brought up, or their own preferences or whatever it might be to find unity the way that.

You guys have, it's not easy. And I think that getting deep planted roots in your local church, number one, because you're surrounding yourself with. With like minded Christians.

Love that.

And that's God's vision for the church too. Like every tribe, every tongue, every nation, That's a beautiful vision of the church.

You're, I would say, 90% likely to meet a married couple that has a similar issue, even though it's not a cultural issue.

Right.

And to then take another step on your own and get communicative help from a pastor, counselor, that helped us tremendously.

Yes. Yeah.

And you guys did that early on.

Yeah.

Okay, that's.

And we still, we still have cultural.

Differences or like differences, personality. We were not brought up together. We have different parents. And then me, now I'm learning. Like, lord, I know that you have given Terry to me. Sometimes I always think, like, what can he do for me? Like, he needs to change for me. But now, like, God is changing my mind just to think about what can I do for him.

Yeah, that's good.

Like, how can I serve my husband? Huge. And not just me, me, me. It's about, you know, how about me.

John?

God shifts your heart. And in that process, if I do that for her, and she does that for me. We're actually healing each other behind the scenes.

You're right.

And coming.

She gave, but keeps on giving. Yeah.

Coming to your own realization that, hey, you can't do this alone, and actually reaching out to your. To your team at your. At your church. I know that there's a. A marital counselor there. Every church I've ever seen has somebody gifted in that. We're very fortunate that our church has someone that. He is fantastic. And he. He creates a neutral balance. And we still talk to. I mean, we don't have really visits.

With him anymore, but, you know, he's there, too. I think part of it is he's counseling. And we talk a lot about Christian counseling on this podcast because we are such proponents of it. We just believe in it. We've gone through it ourselves, and we believe in it. And it's one of those things, too. I think there's different seasons where you kind of need it more, but just knowing you have a trusted person who has wisdom that you can talk to, that loves God, loves you, and is for your marriage like that, that's a game changer right there, because I think there are a lot of people listening where they're like, that's great, but I don't even know who to talk to. And so for those of you who are listening and you're not currently, you know, you don't have a home church, I first and foremost encourage you to find a home church, because there's so many great churches out there. And if you felt like you haven't found it, just keep on looking. Don't give up. But secondly, I want to encourage you to contact one of our marriage coaches. Here at Marriage Today, we have these women on staff who are just amazing, amazing women who are so wise and have the training and the experience to help you through your marital troubles, including these cultural differences. And so if you want to talk to a marriage coach, you can do it in person. If you're in the DFW area and set up an appointment, or you can Skype call with them, and you can go to marriagetoday.com coaches. And they're amazing.

Yeah, they really, really are. And they're gonna be cultural differences that pop up in every season of marriage. Sometimes, you know, as kids come, as grandkids come in different seasons of life and marriage, it's gonna pop up. And so just let the selfishness in us get out of the way, because for most issues in marriage, I think it's the selfishness that really gets in the way and move forward together. And before we end the conversation, there's one part of your story I want to make sure we focus on. Kiwi in particular, because for years, Ashley and I have been connected to a ministry called Compassion International, which reaches out to kids in need all over the world. We've been sponsors of Compassion for years and years. Our first kid was a Compassion kid, little Atziri, little girl from Mexico. And we've. Right now we're sponsoring three different kids in three different parts of the world. And the more I get to know about this ministry, the more we've partnered with them over the years, the more I respect and admire what they're doing. And so part of what inspires me so much about your all's journey is that Kiwi, you were a Compassion kid in the Philippines. Like, these faces in the packets we see, these are real kids, and you were one of these kids. And so just talk to us a few minutes about that, that experience, what it was like growing up in the Compassion program.

So I was born and raised in the Philippines to a very poor family. I was born to an alcoholic dad, and my parents would fight because of his alcoholism every night. My three brothers died because of lack of medical attention.

Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.

You know, our life changed when my dad pick up a tract from the floor of his workplace. A track is a reading material about Jesus. He went to a crusade and he accepted Jesus as his personal Lord and Savior.

Wow.

And he went back home sober.

Oh, my goodness.

And because of that, my mom was like, what's wrong with you? What happened to you? But he said, I received Jesus as my Lord and Savior and you need to come to church with me. And he brought us to church and we would sit in Sunday school and they would just talk about Jesus Christ and all that he has done. But as a young kid, I could not believe, like, do we have this Christ? Why are we so poor? Because I always remember, like, there's lack of food at home. We would beg our parents to just have dinner, but they can't provide for us. And I always tell about the story about the apple when apples were imported from the Philippines, that I would beg my parents, ma, Pa, please, I want to taste this apple. But even a rotten apple, they could not afford to buy. But at the age of seven, my life changed when I was sponsored from this guy from Australia. Pick up a packet. And he sponsored me. And the very first thing in his letter, he said, kiwi, you are pretty And, Kiwi, Jesus loves you.

Wow.

Wow.

Nobody told me that I was beautiful. It's not in our culture to tell our kids, oh, you're so beautiful. You're so pretty. You can do this. You can do whatever you want to be. But this person told me that. And I realized after that, lord, is this how youw see me? That I'm beautiful and wonderful in youn sight? So I would go to the Compassion Project, and my teacher there, she told me, kiwi, this might be your situation, but this is not your destiny. For in Jeremiah 29:11, it says, God has a plan for you. Plan to prosper you, not to harm you. Give you hope in a future. Then I began to dream dreams about my future. And I said, ma, I want to go to college. I want to take up something and be somebody. And now I'm a physical therapist working in a hospital here in Dallas, Texas. Ten years ago, I came to the United States and worked as a physical therapist. And seven years ago, I got married to this wonderful man from Chattanooga, Tennessee, my husband, he's an executive chef here in Dallas. Imagine, I was hungry when I was a kid. Now you're very excited. I will never be hungry again. And during the wedding, I invited my parents to come to the United States, and I took them to an apple orchard. And my dad, he was just picking up apples from the ground. And I said, God has given us a lot, exceedingly, abundantly, more than we could ever ask or think that we're now able to pick up apples from the tree. And now God has blessed us not to just keep it to ourselves, but to be a blessing to other people as well. We are now sponsors of four kids.

That's amazing.

Two from the Philippines, full circle. One from Haiti, and one from Bolivia. And we met our sponsored children. Me and Terry went back five years ago, and we just told them, hang in there. Do not give up. If God can do it to me, he can do it to you. And one day, God will give you an avenue to tell your friends, to tell your neighbors, to tell a congregation, to tell people who's listening in a podcast that we have a good, good Father in heaven.

Wow, I have cold chills. Like, you're holding time.

You're talking.

I'm literally, like, holding back tears because I'm like, thank you, Jesus. I mean, like.

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Before we wrap up today, we're going to dive into a Q and A time. We always end our podcast this way. And we've got Terri and Kiwi here in the studio still live to help us with today's question. So, sweetie, would you mind using that beautiful reading voice of yours to read this question?

Yes. And thank you guys so much. For those of you who submitted questions, if you want to have a question answered, it's anonymous. Okay. And the questions we answer on the podcast, you can submit those to nakedmarriagepodcast.com all right, here's the question. It says, hi all. I love listening to your podcast. I used to watch your all's Facebook videos from the van and we saw you at XO in 2016. I have learned so much from you all. My question now is how do I handle feeling like I am taking a backseat to my husband's family? He chose. He has been close to them and he is in constant communication with them and many times he communicates with them more than me and it leaves me feeling neglected. I can be sharing my heart with him and if his mom or dad or sibling calls, he will ask me to hold on and take the call. I have tried to address it and he doesn't see the problem and gets defensive. I don't want to feel like I am second to his family. How do I address this and where he understands or how do I help him to understand how hurt I am because of this?

And let me just say before we dive in, I noticed a lot of body language between Kiwi and Terry that suggests that might have been submitted by one of you two. So why don't you lead off?

I can take the lead right here. We not in that facet had this problem.

Okay.

I think when I'm, when a man that obviously has strong parental ties, as I did as well. Yes, until you separate yourself from being your mother and father's son to having your Own family. And being married now, your new family is you and your. Your spouse.

Right.

You have to create that definitive line. And it took a lot of back and forth with us.

And I would tell him, babe, it's in the Bible. When you get married, leave, Leave it.

It created a lot of communicative issues within our marriage in the beginning. And then through wisdom from our pastor team and just my own revelation.

Right.

And reading those scriptures and actually contemplating it and really thinking about it, I had a very long conversation with both of my parents that, hey, look, I'm. I have a new family now. I'm still your son.

That's hard.

I'm still your son.

Yeah. Okay. Still love you.

I love you. Yeah.

But, you know, my wife's needs and my new family have to take precedence now. And it's what, It's. It's what you've grown and instilled in me. It's what I've grown up to be. You should be happy and joyful that your son is this strong Christian man.

You know, I love that he said that because I hope. I know the wife wrote this and is hoping to help her husband see this. So definitely, I want to hear from Keevi in just a minute, but I want to point out that what he did is biblical because the person whose family is the one who's trying to take more time, really, than they should be taking, it has to be that child, so to speak, who's talking to them. It needs to come. If it's your parents, you need to be the ones talking to them because you're their child and you gotta level with them and you've gotta make those boundaries. I think what you're doing is setting healthy boundaries.

It doesn't have to be an ugly conversation of, I'm doing this.

Yes.

You know, it should be a very mild, mild mannered discussion of, you know, this is what you've raised me to be. Now I'm being that man.

And I love that.

That.

That's huge.

I'm so proud of him.

Because years ago, it's not like.

I mean, it was a learning curve. It was a learning curve.

Yeah.

It's not like that. And I understand that writer because I tried to explain to him, but sometimes he thinks differently. Like, he thinks that that's the right thing to do. And me. No, it's not the right thing to do. So sometimes you need to have somebody to come into and, like, be the referee.

Right. Like another. Another kind of a neutral person, so to speak, who's not part of that family, you know, either side.

You realize that in. In your. As everybody's Christian walk grows every single day, and. And as you take that quiet time and you actually analyze all sides, that's huge. You know, this husband needs to separate himself, right? Go and have some quiet time and really think about it. And I'm sure he'll come to the same realization I did.

And that's a good example of a cultural difference that can exist.

Mom, I still love you.

Yes.

I have a wife now, and I need to take care of my wife. It doesn't mean. And actually, our relationship with our. With my parents has grown tremendously.

And see, that's good, because I think a lot of times we convince ourselves that setting boundaries means cutting off relationship. But in fact, those healthy boundaries can cultivate a more. A healthier relationship.

A healthier relationship. And that's our goal, guys. If we do things God's way, every relationship in your life ultimately benefits. There might be seasons of discomfort, but every relationship can thrive with those boundaries, regardless of the culture, regardless of where you came from. If you'll just say, God, I want to do things your way. I want you to reshape my mind. And if there's anything in my culture, but there's anything in my thought process, anything in my heart that is not in line with your word and what you want for my life, then I pray that you would come in and correct it. And he will put us on the right track. And it's beautiful to see how he's done that in your lives and the love you have for each other and how far you've grown in your faith and your love for one another. It's just wonderful seeing you guys thrive. And so thank you for sharing your wisdom and your story with us today. And thank you guys who are listening for listening. And again, once more, it's kind of a next step if you want that free book and video resource, which, by.

The way, let me just say, the team who put it together, it's a beautiful book.

I'm so proud of it. I'm so proud of it.

It's like one of those gift books in beauty with the pictures included in this book. So it's not only practical, amazing, you know, biblical marriage advice, but it's beautiful to go through. And so you'll enjoy visually what they have put in those pages.

Yes. And it's not like another big, thick book to read.

No, no.

It really just guides you through discussions and activities and can be such a great resource for you. We want to put that in your hands for free when you will help a real child just like Kiwi, just in the same program that she grew up in. Compassion International once more. Go to compassion.com marriage or text the word marriage to 83393 thank you guys so much for listening. Thank you for subscribing to the Naked Marriage podcast, telling your friends by spreading the word Word together. We're partnering and putting this message of hope all around the world and we appreciate it so much. So God bless you guys.

We will see you next time.