Ditch Your Sexual Baggage

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Hello and welcome to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis. We're so excited that you are listening. Today on this podcast, we are undressing the truth about sex, marriage and lifelong love.

And we are so excited that you guys have joined us for this episode. Episode five. We've already done five.

I can't believe it's five episodes.

And this is an important topic. We're going to talk about sexual baggage today. You know, and it can create some awkward conversations, but we're going to talk about some deep stuff. We're going to talk about some fun stuff because all of us, all of us enter into marriage with some form of sexual baggage. So let's dive in. Hey, guys. Welcome back. I'm really excited about our topic today. It's an important one. It's something that affects every single person, every single marriage. It can be kind of a complicated subject, but it is one that I think we're going to have hopefully some fun talking about, but also get to some serious issues today. And we're talking about sexual baggage in marriage. And what we mean by that specifically are our past experiences, our past mindsets, and how that can kind of translate into some baggage in the bedroom, in our marriages and what we do about that. So, sweetie, let's dive in. What are some of your thoughts on this?

It's so true. You know, we do all come in with a different mindset based on kind of how we're raised. And, you know, Dave and I came from a background where we were raised with very different perspectives of sex and marriage. And, you know, I often tease with my parents, we have permission to talk about this, but in my house, kind of their approach was not talking about sex because they were, like, fearing that I'd wanna actually do it. They were, you know, anytime it was brought up, if I brought it up or my sister brought it up, it was just kind of seen as the dirty thing that we never speak of and that we certainly never do. And, you know, heaven forbid we ever actually have a conversation about it. And so, like, here, you know, I'm 20 years old I'm getting married and it like dawns on my mom, like, oh, my goodness, I should probably talk about this. So as you can imagine, I'm like, mom, you know, I'm getting ready to get married. I already have kind of my own thoughts about sex and marriage, and it's not really the time. And so when I went into it, because it was such a negative, dirty thing, not only at home, but even in my youth group, as wonderful as my youth group was, I think it was more the fear that was put in us of sex instead of necessarily seeing it as a gift that it really is for marriage. And I think they took that approach to kind of scare us. And it did. It scared me. I mean, really. I mean, Dave knows, right, sweetie? I was kind of scared, very apprehensive.

And I had never been more excited in my life. Right.

Cause you were raised quite differently.

I was raised. My parents were and still are. They're all over each other. You know, they're a couple of freaks. And I love that about them. They are super affectionate to the point of grossing us out. And now I want to do that with our kids. I hope to gross our kids out by how affectionate we are. They would talk fairly openly about it, but it was still something where the conversations. I don't know, I remember for the longest time the talk with dad was kind of like he would just say, keep your pants on. Just keep your pants on. Which is good advice. But I could have used a little bit more information. But they always talked about it being a beautiful gift within the context of marriage. And you know, my own. My own experience is I was One of the 95% of American teenagers who got exposed to pornography before the age of 18. I think porn is doing more to kind of shape kids view of sex in a negative way than anything out there. It's also having obviously a massive negative impact on adults as well. But it's become so normalized. It's become such a part of. Of culture that people don't even really see it as a bad thing anymore. But the truth is, pornography is destroying. It is absolutely destroying intimacy within marriage. It's destroying people's mindsets related to sex. It's desensitizing us in all kinds of ways. And I know this from personal experience. I mean, I could give you stats and statistics and the neuroscience all day long about how it impacts your brain, like a heroin addiction. But I know this from experience because those images got in my head. And when you're growing up, it's kind of like there's wet cement in your mind and heart. And the impressions that are made there related to sex. Over time, it hardens and it starts to. You see sex in light of how you were exposed to it early on, both in what happened to you, what you did and what you saw. And pornography did that to me. And it put me on this path of knowing that that was wrong, knowing that lust was wrong. Trying to fight it with sheer willpower instead of putting clear boundaries in place and doing the things that God tells us to do to avoid sin, to repent from sin. And ultimately, that led me down a path. Not right at first, but I think porn planted these seeds in my mind that ultimately took root and led me down a path of sin later on. I mean, not early on. I never even kissed a girl until I was almost out of high school. And I was really modest and really not going down that path. But in college, I did get involved in a few relationships where a lot of boundaries were crossed. And I never got to the point of actually having intercourse before I was married. It was kind of like I had this legalistic approach. Well, as long as I don't do that, then I'm okay. But I, you know, I crossed a lot of lines that I know were sin. I know were sexual sin, no matter how I wanted to justify it at the time, fed purely by, you know, that. That lust that I'd let my mind go to. And that created some baggage. And I'm so thankful that by the time Ashley and I got together that I'd kind of turned the corner and come out of that and really committed to trying to live my life with more purity. And we honored those commitments in our relationship. And we didn't cross any lines while we were dating and we got married. Our wedding night was the first time either of us had actually had sexual intercourse. But at the same time, I still had baggage from knowing that I had sinned sexually. Like, I could justify it. I could try to, like, dance around these kind of loopholes. Well, it wasn't this or it wasn't that. But the fact is, and I'm confessing just like I've confessed to God and confessed to my spouse that I did sin sexually. And there's some baggage from that and regret over that. And so I'm trying to teach my boys now, never trade temporary pleasure for permanent regret.

So true.

Because our world is going to try to entice you with saying, it feels good, so it's going to be fine. And there's not going to be any repercussions. And I read in the book Every Man's Battle, which is a great book based on God's principles about sexual. He said, to find any form of sexual gratification from anything or anyone other than your spouse is a form of sexual sin. It's not living up to God's standard in Ephesians, if among you, there should be no hint of sexual immorality. So I had that baggage. Now, I know a lot of folks listening are like, well, you know, I see where that's baggage, but I've got. If that's baggage, then I've got, like, truckloads of baggage. You know, sexual abuse or, you know, just a repeated pattern of sexual sin in my life. And I'm coming into marriage with that.

It's so true. And, you know, if you are listening right now, we're not trying to make you feel guilty at all. We're just trying to talk about these things. I think so many times. We just don't talk about it. You know, I was talking to a friend the other day, and she was a virgin when they got married, but she knows for a fact that her husband had had sex before. She doesn't know with how many people. She doesn't even know specifically which relationships. And she said, I've just kind of moved on. But she said, anytime I bring it up, he won't talk about it because he says, why would I talk about that? It's the past, and I'm a different man now. And I'm committed to you, and I get where he's coming from. And I think a lot of us can come from that point of view and say, why hash up old things, you know? But I think that if our spouse asks, we need to tell them, you know, because then it's like you're keeping more secrets. Like, was it, you know, what is it? Why can't you just tell me? And I know Dave and I, we had those conversations, you know, I know what relationship, you know, it was. And it's like, I don't hold anything against Dave, but at least I have a full picture. And so we just go in not having any secrets. Because anytime you go into marriage with secrets, it's just a breeding ground for unhealthy behaviors and really a breeding ground for just losing your connection and especially when it comes to sexual intimacy. And, you know, I think sometimes when you don't share with your spouse your past sexual experiences, then your spouse is automatically gonna think, is he thinking of me? When we make love? Or is she thinking of that other guy when we make love? And you don't want your spouse having those kind of thoughts?

Absolutely.

And I wanna challenge you too. You know, I think confession is something that God designed to not only, you know, have us confess to him, but it's a freeing thing for us. And when you can go to your spouse and say, listen, I wasn't perfect, you know, I made some mistakes in my past. I was with these different people, and I'm so sorry, you know, that I'm coming to the marriage this way. But I want you to know that you are who I choose. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I want our sexual intimacy to be amazing. There is some freedom in that, you know, and when you're not confessing it, when you're not being honest about it, it's just kind of binding to your heart, and you're not gonna be able to fully give your heart to your spouse. And really, sex is not just physical. I mean, the best part of sex is that part of giving your heart to this person you've committed your life to. I mean, that's why God designed sex for marriage. It is binding. It literally is binding emotionally, spiritually, on every level. And so if we're not totally coming into the marriage being honest about our sexual past, then we're really limiting, you know, our connection that we can have within our. Our sexual relationship. For sure.

Definitely. And that's why we call this podcast the Naked Marriage Podcast. It's not, like Ashley said, just the physical aspect of nakedness. But a naked marriage means having nothing to hide. It means being transparent, vulnerable. Nakedness is a picture of having no secrets. And I know that these sexual secrets, these aspects of a sexual past, it can be an uncomfortable conversation because you don't want to plant those seeds of thought in your spouse's mind of them thinking about things that you've done. You want to just say, well, let's move on. I get that. But at the same time, your spouse has a right to know as much as they want to know, and it helps you to confess. The Bible talks about two aspects of confession. We confess to God for forgiven, but we confess to one another for healing. And if you really want to heal, then not only do we need to confess to God. God, I made this mistake. I know it was wrong. You know it was wrong. Please forgive me. And he does. Blood of Jesus got us covered. But if you really want to heal and move forward, that also requires confessing. It to one another. You don't need to tell the whole world. You don't need to necessarily do what I'm doing, get on a podcast and say, you know, I've sinned. But you need to tell your spouse. There is nothing, nothing that you need to hide from your spouse, because those secrets are going to. They're going to hold you back. You know, we say in our conferences that the level of your honesty will ultimately determine the level of your intimacy. And if you want full and complete intimacy in your marriage, then you've got to have the courage to have full and complete honesty in your marriage. Doesn't mean you need to talk about it all the time, but there has to be that conversation where you say, look, this is everything that I've been through, everything that I've done, everything that's happened to me, and to be able to say it and be naked and unashamed, which is what the Bible tells us God's picture for marriage is, that's what he wants for you. He doesn't want you to say these things to bring shame on yourself, but really is a way to celebrate the freedom that you have in knowing that God has forgiven you. You've been set free, you've been made new, and together you can move forward having complete and total intimacy no matter what you've done and no matter what's been done to you. Because sometimes the sexual baggage, it isn't just sexual sin. It's not a promiscuous lifestyle, even though that can definitely be part of it, many times, tragically, it's because of sexual abuse. And your first experience with sex, this gift, this precious, beautiful gift that God intended for you to enjoy within marriage. At some point, that gift of sex was used as a weapon against you, against your will. And there are different levels of sexual abuse. And we won't camp out on this too long, but I just know that it is so widespread. There's so, so many women, and even a large number of men, through their first experience with sex, was something that was very, very out of bounds. Somebody hurt them, somebody forced them, somebody manipulated them. And that can just set us on a track of all kinds of brokenness. And then we bury that with shame, as if it's our fault. It is not your fault. Hear me say this. It is not your fault. And. And if you're one of the millions who've experienced that tragedy, then you need to get help. Very often, professional help is necessary. But you also, you must confess this to your spouse. We talked to so Many spouses who have this as part of their past, and they've never told their husband or wife. And so there's this huge baggage they're carrying into the bedroom, this huge secret. Their other spouse thinks, is it something wrong with me? Like, why is he holding back? What's wrong? Why is she not enjoying this? They've never had the conversation. They've never had that naked, vulnerable conversation to say, look, this is what happened to me. And I'm still decades later, trying to recover from it.

It's so true. I think sometimes, if we have been through sexual abuse or maybe even rape, just terrible things that have happened to us, I think sometimes we don't want to share it because we don't want our spouse to look at us in that light and to feel sorry for us. I think a lot of times, if you're a victim, you have this kind of survival mentality. Like, I just don't want people to feel sorry for me, so I'm not gonna share it. But I just wanna tell you again, it's not your fault. You did nothing to deserve this. You, by some miracle, have come out of this and now are married. And that's just amazing in and of itself. But in order to fully heal, you've got to talk to your spouse about this and be honest about it. And I would say, too, if you have never seen a counselor, I think counseling is essential because it is gonna keep on coming back. You know, trauma has a way of coming back. When times get hard, when relationships are kind of rocky, that trauma kind of seeps back into our minds. And I would just say it's so important to get ahead of it by talking through this with a counselor and also just talking through it with your spouse, because they want to know everything about you, and you gotta be totally honest about it. And like Dave said, a lot of times you can kind of feel like there's a lid on your relationship, and especially when it comes to sex. And your partner may not know anything about this. And so they're left in the dark, and they keep on thinking that it's their fault, that they're not doing something right, when really it's something that happened to you that was so tragic that you just never really told him or her about it. And so it's just so important to be completely honest.

Honesty is what it's gonna keep coming back to. That is the essential piece of a naked marriage. Not just honesty about sex, but honesty about everything. You know, your hopes, your dreams, your fears, your hangups. Everything. And the more honest you are, the closer together you're going to grow, kind of turning a corner a little bit. Talking about sexual baggage and how it can affect us in the present, I think it sometimes can lead to the question of, like, is there anything off limits for a couple in the bedroom, specifically in this context? And I'll share a story that, you know, some friends shared with me, protecting their identity, of course. But I was having lunch with a friend, and he was kind of complaining to me that he felt like their sex life had gotten boring. And he elaborated and said, you know, before we were Christians, before we were really totally committed to, you know, a foundation of faith. He said, honestly, just being honest with you. He said, I felt like our sex life was better because it was uninhibited. You know, we would watch pornography and we would kind of use it as a how to. And we started, you know, doing everything we saw in porn. And he said, and selfishly, he said, I was loving it now as God sort of convicted us. And we realized, okay, this is wrong. We committed. We're going to live a life. Pure pornography is a form of visual infidelity. We're going to get that out of our lives. He said, but I wanted to continue to have, like, an adventurous sex life, but my wife wanted to stop doing some of the things that we had been doing, some things that I had enjoyed, and I felt like in marriage we had every right to do. And she associated those things with the sinful past instead of the freedom that we have in Christ. He said, so now in some ways, I feel closer than ever to my wife, but then in other ways, I feel like God wants us to have a thriving with the freedom we have in him. It should be the best, the best our sex life has ever been. But for some reason it's not right now, because I think she feels guilty, she feels inhibited, because she associates that kind of freedom with sin when really I'm like, no, we have that freedom now in Christ, but we don't have to anyway, you know what I'm saying? What are your thoughts on this, sweetie?

No, I think it's so true, and I think this can happen, too. Maybe you lived together and you were already sleeping together before you got married. It's very similar. And then maybe the two of you became Christians, or maybe, you know, you already were Christians, but you weren't necessarily taking your faith as seriously as you are now. And so you may associate that maybe sexual acts, like Dave said, you know, the freedom that you Maybe had before with sin. But what we need to remember is God created sex for marriage. So you're married now. It should be amazing. And really, there's not a whole lot of limits on it, except you shouldn't bring anybody else into the bedroom, whether physically there's in person or virtually, like through things like porn. But you can have a lot of fun. I mean, there's a lot of creativity that can happen. As long as you're not having fun.

You'Re doing it wrong.

That's right. But, you know, both people do need to feel comfortable. Nobody should feel. You should not be hurting each other. You should not feel ashamed. So I would say, you know, to this couple who I know actually did, you know, work through this, I think they ended up just talking through this because I think that this wife in particular, she didn't realize she was doing that, like, what her association was. And it's like, you need to process those things. You need to talk about, why do I feel inhibited right now? Like, why do I not feel like.

This in the moment?

Right? Not in the moment.

It's a high pressure. You don't want to talk about this while you're napping.

Don't stop mid act, right?

Talk about it over lunch, right? Talk about it saying, you know, what, am I off base here? But I feel like we're not connecting in the bed. I feel like that maybe you're holding back or just talk through that in.

A safe environment too. Am I not making you comfortable in some way? You know, take it not like accusing, but saying, what can I do to make you feel more comfortable? Or is there something that I'm doing that's putting you off, that's making you not feel safe with me? Cause really, there needs to be safety and security, especially in marriage when it comes to sex. And I think that it all comes down to trust, to trusting one another. And, you know, if you were really into porn before and now you're not looking at porn, but you're doing maybe the acts that you learned from porn, I can see where that could mess with you mentally. So you need to process those things.

Absolutely.

But I wanna tell you too, that if you're not bringing porn in the room, you're not, you know, certainly not bringing other people into the bedroom, you know, with you and your. And your husband or wife, you know, as long as it's the two of you and you both, you know, want to do different sexual acts together, that is perfectly okay. And that's what I mean. God wants us to have a thriving, beautiful sex life. And if you've never read the book of Song of Solomon, that is evidence right there. And it's a husband and a wife.

It's hot.

It's hot. They're passionately pursuing one another. I mean, it talks about body parts and sexual desire, but it's because it's showing these two people just passionately pursuing one another and enjoying their sexual intimacy together.

And there's both purity and passion in it.

Absolutely.

Being pure in God's eyes, keeping the marriage bed pure, as the Bible says, it doesn't mean boring, I think. So somewhere along the line, people thought, well, that means we have to have this boring, bland sex life. We can never make love unless we're trying to make a baby. I'm just like, oh, my goodness, guys, you got to have fun with this. This is one of the best gifts God has ever given us. And it's going to bring you together physically, emotionally, spiritually, in every way. This is a connection point for husbands and wives. And when it's not being prioritized, you know, if it's not happening at least a couple times a week, unless there's some major health reason or some travel distance thing, there's certain seasons of life. I understand where that might not be practical, then I would. I would argue that it's not the priority it needs to be in your marriage. All right, we're running out of time. But. But a big issue to kind of talk about as relates to sexual baggage is what about previous marriages? I know a lot of folks, we've talked kind of about previous relationships, but many people listening have come out of a previous marriage. And that previous marriage is going to have its own form of sexual baggage because you were. You were in covenant with that person. Right? This wasn't just this kind of promiscuous fling. I mean, this was living as man and wife with somebody, and then now just your soul, in a lot of ways, feels bound to that person. And whatever happened to break that marriage up, there's just a lot of pain, a lot of baggage that comes with that. And then you bring that into the marriage that you're in right now. And, sweetie, what are some of your thoughts? What are some of your encouragement, both for that spouse who came from a previous marriage and is dealing with their own baggage, or maybe for the spouse who wasn't married previously but is now trying to help their current spouse deal with baggage from the previous marriage. What are your thoughts on this?

Well, again, I think that these definitely need to be talked about. I don't think, you know, problems or issues aren't just going to go away on their own. We need to bring this out in the open, and we need to talk about it, and it's better to get ahead of it. So I would say, too, if you were engaged to someone who has previously been married or you have previously been married yourself, you really need to be in counseling now. I don't think you need to wait till kind of problems arise. You need to be in counseling now because like Dave said, you know, they were in covenant with this person. There might even be children that were from that marriage. And so there's a lot to really process that you're kind of bringing into the marriage together. And so I just say having that open dialogue and talking about those things and experiences, you need to be honest about it. But you also need to remember that God has a beautiful story for this marriage, and you don't need to constantly be comparing this marriage to your previous marriage. I think that's a big problem that a lot of remarried folks, you know, tend to face is that they constantly feel compared. And so we need to shut that down as soon as it starts happening, because we cannot do that. You know, especially, you know, if the spouse. If you married someone who's never been married before, they are automatically going to feel like if you've been married before, that there is this comparison game, and you need to go out of your way as the previously married person to reassure them that you are committed to them, that you have an eyes and a heart only for them, and that you're not playing this comparison game all the time. Please, for the love of your marriage, do not say, well, my previous wife did this, or my previous husband did it this way. Do not say that.

If you do, your current spouse is going to become a previous spouse.

I mean, seriously, like, it's really just going to get you into problems. And certainly, if it comes to the bedroom, please, please, please do not say that. If you have a preference, please say your preference. Please say what you like and what you dislike, but don't bring that previous marriage into your bedroom in your current marriage. That's just gonna. It's just gonna throw you way off course and it's gonna cause a major fight.

Man, that is good advice. I hope you guys were listening to that. But Ashley also did point out one positive that can come from our baggage, and that is that it might give you a head start in knowing what you like and what you don't like.

That's right.

And so communicate those things. But be very careful when you do to not be like, you know, you're.

When I was with so and so. Please don't say that.

Oh, yeah, he was. He was great. I mean, it's like, don't go there. Do not go there. Do not put those images.

You can say your preference without referencing a previous relationship and how you know what you like.

Right?

You don't have to say how unless they ask you. Unless they ask you. You know, I would. In the most loving way possible. You can talk about that, but whenever possible, if you're talking about just your preference, I would not try to reference a person and how, you know, that is good advice.

That is good advice coming kind of bringing this plane to a close. I think the most important aspect of sexual baggage is realizing that we don't have to carry sexual baggage or any kind of baggage through life forever. And that's because of the redemption and the grace made possible because of Jesus. God wants to forgive. He wants to set free. And the Bible says in him, we are a new creation. And I think we need to reclaim and refocus on that new creation aspect. We're not defined any longer by our past, by what we've done or by what's been done to us. We can experience complete and total freedom. We can experience complete and total forgiveness. And that newness in Christ that makes the marriage bed in every aspect of life and marriage so beautiful and so, so pure in God's eyes. And so, sweetie, what are some of your bits of encouragement for those folks that are carrying around guilt, they're carrying around shame. And they've just determined that this is how I'm going to live, this is who I am. And they've worn these labels of being broken or being fill in the blank of whatever negative label you want to assign to yourself. And God wants to erase that and put in forgiven and new and loved. And how does someone get there?

I would just say it takes lots of prayer. You know, I think so many times in the Word, it talks about renewing our mind and replacing lies with truth. And I think, you know, the enemy would love nothing more than us to feel stuck and full of shame. And you know where he attacks marriages is that intimacy. And it's not just sexual intimacy, but it's that closeness that we can have with one another. And sex is a big part of that. And so he wants to make us feel ashamed and feel like we can never fully give ourselves to our spouse. But that's A lie. And so we need to replace it with God's truth, like Dave said, that we are a new creation, that he has plans to prosper us and not to harm us. That, you know, he forgave us through his son, Jesus, who died for our sins, who died for every mistake that we've ever made and that we are going to ever make. And so we need to know that we're not perfect going in, but God sees us through eyes of forgiveness and he loves us and he has awesome, awesome plans for us. And so whenever we go to him, whenever we pray to him and say, lord, forgive me, Lord, help me, help me to heal, help me to have a new perspective when it comes to sex, he will do that for us. And so every time we pray, every time we read His Word, we can know the truth and we can, we can stand victoriously knowing that we don't have to keep on going, you know, to our spouse with our head down and not truly engaging with our spouse. Because God wants us to come together. He wants us to have a naked marriage like we talk about through this whole podcast. He wants us to be honest and open and thriving.

That is great news. That is absolutely great news. That because of Jesus, our sins don't define us. We can be set free and we can, we can be made new. And if you're carrying around baggage today, just be reminded of who you are in Christ. It will set you free. Well, hey, that's our time for today, but a few quick, exciting announcements before we sign off. And that is the biggest one, is that the Naked Marriage book is now available for pre order. But when you pre order, you're gonna get instant access to some great gifts. And those great gifts are essentially a free marriage conference delivered right to you. You're gonna get two videos of our XO conference sessions, two of our very favorite messages we've ever shared, and an instant download of our previous book, the Naked Truth About Sex. So when you pre order, you don't have to wait to start enjoying the good stuff. That's right. You'll get, you'll be the first to get that book in February when it comes out. But you can start reading a book about sex right now and you can start watching these videos. And we're just so excited to share this book with you guys.

We are. And the Naked Truth About Sex is very different from the Naked Marriage because it's more topical. And so you, you know, you may want to read the whole book when you get it free. When you pre order the Naked Marriage Book, but you also may just want to kind of go through different topics that apply to your marriage. And so we just want to give you resources. And when you get, when you pre order the Naked marriage book@nakedmarriagebook.com, you're going to get these freebies. And so you can start watching, you know, our teachings from the EXO conferences right away, or you can start reading the Naked Truth about Sex right away. And then by the time you're finished with those, you're going to get your book and so you'll be ready to go.

It's a lot of stuff, hopefully a lot of naked time between now and February.

Lots and lots.

So we hope that's where it leads. Hey, thank you guys so much for listening. It means so much. Thank you for your feedback. Thank you for taking the time to leave reviews of this podcast and share it. You helping spread the word together. Together we're helping build stronger marriages. And so thank you so much for that. We'll look forward to connecting with you next time.