Dreaming Again: Finding Hope and Healing from Burnout

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Visit burlington.com coats for details. Hello and welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast we address the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. Thank you all so much for joining us. We, you know, week to week we hope that you get just some, some great nuggets of truth that you can discuss with your your spouse and apply to your life. We just love you guys and we, we don't take it lightly that you take time out of your busy schedule to listen to the Naked Marriage Podcast. And you guys are our biggest ask we have for you is if you love this podcast, please share it with a friend and please consider leaving a review on Apple Podcasts because that is the best way to let people know about this podcast. It kind of is the way that it gets up in the charts and it lets more people know and it's the algorithm. You guys know we're in an algorithm driven world. And so if you really want to do us a favor because you love this podcast, the biggest way to do that is by leaving a review.

Absolutely. We've had a great conversation the last few weeks about burnout. I think it's been one of the most meaningful, meaningful, meaningful conversations we've had in a while. Just because I think so many people are struggling in silence. This is something that we, we can speak to from personal experience. We both wrestled with burnout at different times and it's been healing for me just having this conversation. So one, one thing I will add, I've been saying this recently because I'm so excited about the, the events we have coming up. If you've never been to one of our exo marriage live events or even if you have come or come back, we would love to have you. There's so much fun. We've got some great ones still on the calendar for this fall. For this coming winter and spring, go to xomarriage.com conferences and you can also stay up to date on our Instagram page, avidashleywillis, where we're posting daily marriage tips and videos and fun stuff and even some family pictures. But we're also keeping you up to date with what's happening with the ministry and with the live events? I think Ashley's got this review pulled up. Thanks for those who leave reviews your comments on our, you know, Dave and Ashley Willis YouTube channel. You know who. Who write us, even if you just send us messages. We love hearing from you and it really fuels us, keeps us going and gives us good ideas, too. We learn from you, we learn from your suggestions, and even sometimes it inspires whole episodes. So thank you so much for reaching out.

All right, I want to share one that they entitled it a must listen and they gave us five stars. Thank you. And it says, from Guido 2. And it says, I'm a new subscriber to your podcast and I thank you already for the changes you've made in our marriage. Thank you for the frankness in which you address all topics, and thank you for reminding us that the Lord is the center and bedrock of our marriage. I have already recommended your podcast to at least five friends. Thank you so much. In the last month since I started to listen to y'. All. And I think every couple, whether considering marriage or celebrating decades together, can learn and be reminded of inalien, inalienable truths about what marriage is and what it means. Thank you. Well, thank you, Guido, too, for saying that that just means the world to us. And thanks for sharing it with your friends. You know, that just. I love it when we are at our meet and greets at our exo marriage events where we're like, you know, first of all, how'd you hear about exo marriage? And they're like, we heard about it through, you know, the podcast. And we're like, well, how'd you hear about the podcast? They're like, oh, my friend recommended it to me.

Yeah, it's always love that power of a friend saying, check this out.

And it really is.

And so, yeah, you know, we. We share. We tell friends about whatever show we're binging, we tell friends about whatever restaurant we found that we really like. So why would we not say, hey, I found this podcast that's about marriage, and it's really encouraging me and making a difference. You should check it out. And so thank you guys for those who do that, not only for listening, but also for sharing it, because we're all in this together. We're all just trying to do better daily to be the spouses we're called to be and to live the thriving lives in our homes that God wants us to live. That's right.

So we want to end this series by talking about how to overcome burnout. And so, sweetie, where would you start with it? Like, you know, if you recognize that you have the symptoms and you maybe even have recognized the causes. You know, we talked about like last week, we talked about the three Cs, you know, looking at what are you consuming, what's on your calendar, who's in your community, and maybe within one of those three, you've realized in talking with your spouse and praying, here's, you know, maybe my calendar's too full or, or maybe there's some people who are being toxic in my life and it's, it's burning me out. You know, what, where do you go from there? What would you say?

Well, I would say plan out a calendar of what would, what would a really healthy rhythm look like? You know, take yourself out of it for any person. Like, what would a daily routine look like that's healthy in terms of time for rest, time for exercise, time for meaningful interactions with loved ones, time for work, what would it look like? And then try to map that out and use the constraints that you already have. I mean, if you have a 9 to 5 job, then obviously, you know, that part's already scheduled for you. If you have a more kind of flexible or non traditional work schedule, then you have to, you know, you have to kind of take care of that on your own. But what would it look like if for you in your life to have more health and then to do it consistently and those changes are going to feel unnatural at first. Even healthy changes feel they feel weird or even uncomfortable at first. But once we get into the rhythm of it, man, it makes, it makes all the difference. You know, I follow this, this doctor on Instagram and he talks about lots of different things related to health, but he says, you know, be boring with your schedule. Like, try to schedule out doing the same things at the same times, you know, eating, eating the same way consistently, you know, exercising at the same time, working at the same time, like all going to sleep at the same time. And yeah, there's going to be some days where it's a little bit different. But the more that you can pre decide, because I think, I think just decision fatigue is part of burnout. We're having to make all the time, like all these different decisions constantly. The more we can pre decide and just kind of have it, have, have it laid out like, all right, well, this is what the day is going to look like. And then within that structure, I have the freedom to be creative. I have the freedom to do different things. But I know that a lot of these big things have already been decided and the day has been structured in a healthy way that's going to give me the opportunity to thrive and then to do that, to just sort of take control of your schedule, to take control of your diet. Coming back to those three Cs we talked about last week, which I think again is so crucial to ask those three questions. What am I consuming? What's on my calendar? And who's in my community that your relationships, your, you know, your consumption, both physical diet, what you're eating and drinking, and mental diet of what you're taking into your eyes and ears and mind. And then what's on your calendar, what are you doing daily. Like, that is going to set the tone for your whole life. And you really need to take a hard look at those things because if you're feeling burnout, usually by the time we feel it, we've already been operating in an unhealthy pace for a long time. And so it's not gonna. You didn't get here overnight, you're not gonna get out of it overnight. But what you can do all at once is create a new path forward and start moving in the right direction.

And no. And it's little steps. I think, you know, you don't have to do everything all at once. I think that's probably gonna overwhelm you. But start with one thing. Like, maybe it is the calendar. Like, maybe you set that schedule and. And maybe it's not all those things. Like, I think sometimes too, when you're burnout, the thought of having to do all these new steps is like, oh.

My gosh, it's too much at once.

But it is start.

Start somewhere.

I mean, maybe it's. You wake up 30 minutes earlier and, you know, with that time you decide, I'm going to meal prep for the week or I'm going to go on a walk or whatever it is. You know, I think it's just like, take one thing that you can change in your schedule. So to adjust it to be more beneficial for you and for your family and overcoming this burnout, I think too, it's, you know, I would write all these things down. I'm a big proponent of writing things down. I feel like when you put pen to paper and also saying it out loud, like, there's something about hearing, hearing what changes you want to make and seeing what changes you want to make in writing. And there's something that, that does to our brain, and we're all Kind of different learners. Like, some of us are visual, some of us are audio, you know, auditory learners.

And.

And sometimes it's that we're kinesthetic learners where it's literally the act of writing it out or doing an activity. And so when you write it down and you hear it and you see it, there's something where it's like committing to it more. You know, that's why contracts tend to work for people. Like, when you agree to something, you know, I am doing the Noom app for my fitness and diet, and it's really helped me. But one thing they do that's so simple, it's based on cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT therapy. And I love this because, first of all, I'm a total nerd when it comes to counseling and stuff. But there's, you know, this. This belief that our beliefs drive our behaviors and. And there's all kinds of science behind this. But one of the things they do week to week is they simply ask you if you commit, and you have to check, mark, I commit. And then you can either share that with a friend, you can either share that on your social media or not do anything with it. But just that, just that visual and that. That little act of hitting, I commit, it does something to you. Like, it does something to say, well, I committed to this. And in the same way, I think committing to making, you know, one change a week when it comes to overcoming this burnout is going to do something for your psyche. It's going to do something to help you to know, okay, I'm taking steps out of this. I'm not going to continue on in my old ways. I'm one by one, step by step, I'm going to get out of this season of burnout. Now, when it comes to being burnout on your marriage, because we've kind of talked about both of these. We've talked about general individual burnout. We've also talked about, you know, marital burnout, like where you're burnout with your marriage. I think it's important and crucial that you get in counseling or mediation. I know we've mentioned this, but I don't think this is one of those things where you can go without that. Like, I think that if you are burnt out on your marriage, that is one of the, you know, if you're a car, it's one of the check engine lights that's flashing.

Yeah, a big one.

A big one. And so I would definitely let one of your steps be to sign up to go see a counselor. Like go see a counselor or join, you know, maybe an intensive marriage group. Like, I know there's all kinds of churches that have different things. There's one called Re Engage that meets in churches around the United States where it's a group based marriage intensive of sorts that will take you through a program that will help you literally re engage with your spouse. It's a great program. You know, I know there's something called dynamic marriage, which our church does, and it's, it's beyond a marriage small group. This is way beyond that. Like, this is for people in burnout or in a crisis or not, or maybe just you're in kind of a blah season of marriage. You go through this very intense program. And I want to say the reason I'm saying intense is that it's not like, it's not just for fellowship. You're doing this to really get down to the nitty gritty of what's going on. Like join one of those. I think mediation exomediation could be just a godsend for you because that is a one or two day intensive for you to take you through what, what are those things that have gotten you to this burnout point. And you can go to exomarriage.com help to meet with a mediator, and you can do that via Zoom wherever you are in the country. But, you know, take that step to fight for your marriage because you're not, you know, burnout didn't just happen overnight and it's not just going to poof, go away. And so you definitely want to get somebody in your corner helping you along, helping walk alongside you.

And you don't have to figure it out on your own.

Right.

God designed us to solve problems within relationship, you know, with our spouse, with him first and foremost, and then with our spouse, but then beyond that with, with community, with, with friends, with counselors, with mentors. We don't have to figure it all out on our own. And we live in this, this kind of modern mindset that we have to, we have to solve all our problems. And that's just not, that's not true, right? I mean, it's not. And so we need each other. We need to learn from each other. And you're doing that now just by, you know, listening to this podcast, being part of this community, but taking a next step with someone who can speak to you personally and directly, and whether it's a pastor, a trusted friend, a mentor, a counselor, a marriage mediator like Ashley talked about, that, that can make all the difference to break out of a negative cycle and really establish a new and healthy cycle.

Yeah. You know, I recently was meeting with a couple that they were in a season of burnout. Both of them, like, they both have very busy jobs. They've been married almost 30 years. They've got kids that are almost fleeing the nest. And they came to a point that. Where they were just kind of burnt out. It's not that they were like, going to divorce each other or anything like that, but they were not loving the existence of their marriage, and they were both kind of just tired and they weren't feeling like they were living their best marital life, you know? You know, and so I just. I love how they took steps. They got into a class at church that's an intensive, and they also, you know, reached out to me because I was in the middle of my practicum, and they said, can you also counsel us alongside this class? And so I did. I worked with them over the course of, like, eight weeks, and it was in conjunction with this class. And. And it was just so cool that they were doing all this hard work. And then I, of course, was giving them some homework in between as well, in addition to what they were doing with their class. And I, I'm telling you, from the time they walked in to the room with me, like, their body language, literally they were sitting on two opposite sides of the couch. And. And then at our last session together, they're literally right next to each other. There's like a. Lots of physical affection and just a. An appreciation for each other. It's like that burnout had lifted. And it doesn't mean all their problems are solved. It doesn't mean there's not still things to work on, because there is. But what I saw in that couple was hope and also, like, tools in the tool belt. And that, that whatever they are going to face with this transition of being empty nesters, they're going to do it and they're going to do it well. And they're just excited. There's an excitement and a spring in their step that I hadn't seen. And, like, the last thing they said to me was, hey, do you think you all will still live here in, like, I don't know, 20 years? And I was like, I mean, I hope so. That's. That's my heart, you know, because we love it here. And he goes, well, I'm asking because I really want to have you and Dave at our 50th wedding anniversary. He said that would just be the best thing And I'm gonna. He goes, I'm holding you to it. And I was like, well, I'm gonna, I'm holding you to it. Okay, you're gonna make it to 50 years. And you're gonna be so, you know, excited that you did. And it just. For someone who came in really blah about their marriage and just, you know, really frustrated and just kind of almost. Almost to the point of apathy. Not quite. But almost to be at the point where they're, they're already looking ahead to their 50th wedding anniversary is like the coolest thing.

No. And that's.

And it just shows you what God can do when you do what you can do. And then you trust God to do the rest. Because we do have to take steps, but also we have to trust God. It's, I think burnout. Sometimes we have burnout because we just haven't trusted God. We've been tolling away, we've been feeling like we have to do it all and we've kind of cut God out of it. And so we've got to get to that point of trusting God too. Because he can do the miraculous.

Yeah. And he wants to. And when we're just doing it all on our own, every day is going to feel like a grind. And one of the great signs of healing from burnout is like what this couple experienced. It's simply dreaming together again.

Oh yeah.

It's being excited about the future. It's having goals on the horizon. It's long term goals that you're excited about. And when you're burned out, you're not thinking really beyond today. It's like, man, I just got to get through today. I just got to definitely do it. And, and you got to start dreaming again. And a healthy heart dreams, you know, and if you're not, if you're burdened, then you're not dreaming. You're trying to just survive. And God doesn't want us to just live in survival mode. He wants us to thrive. He wants us to look forward to that 50th wedding anniversary or whatever it is on the horizon for you.

Do you know one of their other dreams they had? Because you know, in counseling, when you reach what's called the termination appointment, which I hate that word, but it's basically like a graduating counseling because you're at a point where you, you're able to do this on your own. You know, the goal of counseling is not that you're going to counseling forever, it's that you're eventually to A place where you can take what you learned and do it on your own. And we were talking through their goals and kind of what they're looking forward to and they said, you know, somebody in our class at church said, you guys should become leaders in this. And the wife said, oh, I just don't know if I could be that way. I could be a leader. I mean, I don't know if we're equipped for that. But also she said, my personality is not like the leader we had. She said, you know, she's really kind of more quiet and I'm just not like I'm going to directly tell people things. And I said, you're the exact leader they need. I said, God, God uses all types and needs all types. And like this little glimmer came in her eye like, you really think so? And like she looked at her husband and he looked back at her and he said, ashley, I've already told her that. He's like, I think she'd be amazing. And so as, as they were leaving and after we prayed together, I was like, let me know when you become those leaders. And they were dreaming, you know, they were so excited because again, I think one of the best things we can remember once we're coming through a season of burnout or even any kind of hardship in marriage is like God's not through with and he never wakes up.

He uses our story not only for our benefit, but it's always to help others too. He works all things together for good. And we've talked about the Exo Mediator Institute specifically in terms of going to get help. But what we haven't mentioned lately is that it also provides training for those who want to give help, those who want to use their testimony, build on it as a way to help encourage and equip other couples. And it's a wonderful two day training and we would love for you to come be part of it in, in Dallas Fort Worth, we do it several times a year, so, so just check that out. And we will go to exomarriage.com and you can learn more about the Mediator Institute and you'll love it.

That's right, because you can serve as a mediator within your church, you can start a mediator business, you can do it a lot of different ways. You know, we have all different people from all over the United States come and it's a great way to use what you've learned, what you've walked through in your marriage and, and to help other couples and what's so cool is like whenever we meet all the people going through the mediation institute to become mediators is they each have a different hurdle or many that they've overcome. And it's just so cool that God's put them in that position to now help others in this, maybe some of the similar circumstances. So definitely consider that. You know, I wanted to share several verses with you, just bringing it back to the Word and knowing that God is ultimately what's going to get us through our seasons of burnout. And I love this. In Isaiah 26:3, it says, you will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast because they trust in you. You know, we talk about that. That element of trust is huge when we're walking out of a burnout season. Because I do think, and I know in my own experience a lot of times when I found myself in burnout, it's because I've been completely trying to do stuff in my own strength, you know, Yes, I was praying and I was reading my Bible, but really not depending on the Lord, because every day to surrender, it's an act of surrender, meaning, like, I recognize God, that I can't do all this on my own. Like, I need your strength, I need your perspective. And I trust that you're going to provide what I don't have. You're going to provide that for me. I'm doing my part. Like, I'm not just willy nilly saying, God, do it. You know, I've not prepared for this at all. No, we prepare, we do our part. But then we trust that God is going to provide the rest. Whether it's in through our emotional energy, whether it's through the mental focus that we need, through the physical energy that we need. He's going to provide that, but it takes us trusting in Him. And I love it where it talks about in Isaiah that, you know, we have peace when we realize that God is ultimately our strength, that he is the one that is strong when we are weak, that he's going to get us through it. And that really sets our minds in the right posture to receive what God has for us and to be able to walk the path that he has for us out of this season of burnout. You know, I also love this verse that I want to share with you in Matthew 11. This is Jesus speaking. He says, come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Rest. Take my yoke upon you. Learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for Your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. You know, he's talking about a yoke, and this is kind of in farm culture and how, you know, they would use the yoke on, you know, cattle, for lack of a better word, and it would, you know, rest on their shoulders and be something that would use to direct them to the jobs that they needed to complete. And Jesus is saying, you know, my yoke. Like, I. I'm the one who is going to direct you. I'm that good shepherd. But he's saying, like, that yolk's not gonna be a burden to you because you. You're carrying all these burdens. Why don't you give them over to me? Yeah, I'll take those burdens and I'll direct you. And you know, me as your guide. I'm. I'm helping you to get through these hard seasons, and I can give you rest in the midst of this, like, even when it doesn't make sense, you know, I can provide that. That rest that you need to. To know that you can have my peace. And you don't have to do all this in your own strength. It's just reminding us that we need God and that when we're out of sync and trying to do it all in our own strength, that's why we're. That's why we're burning out. Because we're not supposed to do it that way.

No, we're not. I mean, Jesus is not this taskmaster that's always just pushing us, do more, more and more. I mean, like. Like the verse said, he said, come to me, those who were weary carry heavy burdens. You know, I mean, he. He. He wants to replace that heavy burden with. With peace. He really, really does. And so find strength in that. Find peace in that. That Jesus is for you, that he is with you, that he's the prince of peace, not the prince of chaos, not the. The king of burnout, any of that. He's the prince of peace. And he wants. He wants peace for you. And the more time you spend with him, the more time you spend in his word, the more time you spend in just letting your mind being renewed by unplugging from all of the chaos of this world. The more of his peace that you're going to have. And that's our prayer for you. I mean, we want you to live the life that God has for you. That's our dream for our own lives and marriages. That's our dream for your marriage, your family, your life as well, whatever you're going through that you would embrace, you just embrace God as He's embracing you in this season and let him be the one to guide you through it. Let him be the one to carry those heavy burdens that you've been carrying for far too long. And, and I just, I hope that this series has been an encouragement to you. I hope that this ministry continues to be an encouragement to you. We would love to hear from you. If you want to write us on Instagram or Ave and Dashley Willis, that's an easy way to get in touch with us. We would love to meet you at one of our Exomarriage Live events coming up and we just hope you'll stay connected to this ministry and specifically to this podcast. You know, this is wrapping up the Burnout series, but we've got some great content coming up next. I'm really excited about the lineup. We've got some wonderful interviews that are going to be happening, some new series we're going to be doing. And we also encourage you to check out our midweek episode, which is now a new and so fun for format. It's a live call in where you're going to call in and work, talk to you directly, answer one of your questions and spend 40 minutes or so talking with you about real issues and so you could be on an episode if you're interested in that. The link to learn more is in the show notes here. But even if you don't want to call in and be on an episode, listen to those Wednesday midweek episodes. Great conversations, real life, unscripted conversations from real people going through real things and I'm so excited about that new format.

That's right. Thank you all again for joining us and share this episode if it meant something to you and you feel like it would help your friend. And again, thank you again for your reviews. We just love you guys and we will see you next week.