Finding Our Identity in Marriage // Hump Day Q&A

Foreign. You know what time it is sweetie?

It's Hump day. Q and A time. Hump day Q and A. Hump day Q and A. Welcome to the Naked Marriage Podcast. Hump day Q and A. We love answering your questions, so every Wednesday we're dropping a special podcast episode focused on one of your questions. You can submit your own marriage related question online@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or by sending us a message on Instagram aveandashleywillis. We've got a great question today, so let's dive in. My husband and I have been listening to your podcast for close to a year now and you have improved our marriage tremendously. My question is regarding making your spouse an idol. My husband has struggled with self esteem issues since he was a child. He had divorced parents, a toxic father, et cetera. Because of this, he is only able to see his worth through others eyes, mainly me. This puts an uncomfortable expectation on me to give him validation in a way that I am just unable or ill equipped to fulfill. This, to me, is what you should seek Jesus about. Because of my failed expectations, anytime I've used clash with my husband's, he immediately feels inadequate, discouraged and unworthy. He is in a Christian counseling right now and working on this, but it has significantly magnified since he is now acknowledging all these deeply buried feelings. How can I help him make Jesus the center of his life and understand that disagreeing doesn't mean he isn't worthy? Hopefully this made sense. Thank you for all you do.

Yeah, that's.

Thank you so much for that question.

Yeah, thank you for that. And first off, it's great that he's in counseling and as Ashley says a lot with counseling. It's such a healthy, healthy thing. But it often feels worse before it gets better because you are unearthing so many of these things. All of us, all of us wrestle in one extent or another with looking at our validation, for our validation through other people. And we need to always find our validation through God's eyes. And there's a book that I'm going to recommend right now that I don't think I've ever recommended on the podcast. And yet it's one that's impacted me nearly as much as anything that I've ever read. And it's specifically about this issue. The the book is called Abba's Child by Brennan Manning. A B B A abba's child. Abba being the term for father that Jesus used to talk to his Heavenly Father and our Heavenly Father. And it's the most intimate term in that language. It's like saying dad or papa or daddy even, and recognizing that we are who we are when we see ourselves through that lens. We're Abba's child. He's my dad. He's my father, my creator, my savior and friend, and the only one who can really validate my soul. And the way that it's written by Brennan Manning is it's so simple, beautiful, powerful, and profound. And so, in addition to the counseling, whatever else your husband's doing, I would encourage you both to read that book together. It's not a marriage book, but it is one that I think could help you both really re. Establish your identity in Christ and then support that in each other, validate that in each other without either of you feeling like you have to find your soul's worth through each other's eyes. Because God's already given you that.

Absolutely. I know that book just had a huge impact on Dave many years ago, but I wanna recommend another resource that actually impacted me, and that is a book called the Search for significance by Robert McGee. It's been around a long time. It actually has. There's a workbook, one that you can get, but there's also the book that you can get, but both have a portion in them where you write answers to different questions. Because I think as he's on this journey of realizing that his significance comes from Christ, not from other people, you really do have to process all these assumptions that you've already made in your mind. And I remember when I went through this workbook many years ago when I was going through anxiety and depression, this was a book that had a profound impact on me. It really helped me to realize some of these. These things that I did expect from people and that I was searching for validation kind of not necessarily from Jesus, but from Dave and from other people in my life. And that I. You know, it made me realize kind of the value I have in Christ just being his child. And so I think Abba's child and the Search for Significance would be some great resources to kind of add to what he is doing right now. And it would be beneficial for you as well to kind of have a window into how he's wired, because when you don't have that need, it's hard to understand why he feels the way he feels. And so it might be good, as his spouse, to kind of understand him a little bit better. But I just commend you on being such a supportive wife, on a wife that is pointing him to Christ. And, you know, I think that's just so awesome that you're on this journey with him. And that's what we're supposed to do as married people. We're supposed to be there as partners. You know, there's. We always say it's not his struggle or her struggle, it's our struggles, no matter what it is. And so I commend you as being, for being just such a loving wife and for writing that question today. And I know so many people will be able to relate to that as well. Well, to end this, guys, I actually wanted to share with you some verses that have to do with discouragement. So to end our podcast, we don't always get to do this, but I want to leave you with God's word, so I'm going to share a few of these with you. In Isaiah 43:2, it says this, when you pass through the waters, I will be with you. And when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze. In Psalm 31:24, it says, Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the lord. In Psalm 55:22, it says, Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you. He will never permit the righteous to be moved. In Psalm 121 it says, in my distress I called the Lord and he answered me. And in Luke 12, 6, 7, I love this, it says, are not five sparrows sold for two pennies, yet not one of them is forgotten by God? Indeed, the very hairs on your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid. You are worth more than any than many sparrows. Thank you all so much for listening to today's episode of Hump Day Q and A. We love getting your questions and we want to answer your question. So if you go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com you can submit your question right there. Or you can follow us on Instagram avanashleywillis and you can give us your questions right there by giving us a dm. So we'll catch you next time on Hump Day Q and A.