Finding Peace in Troubling Times

Hey, welcome into Walgreens. Hi there.

Hey.

All right, hon, I'll grab the gift wrap cards and. Oh, those stuffed animals the girls want.

Great. And I'll grab the string lights and some. How about I grab some cough drops? This is not just a quick trip to Walgreens.

I'm fine, honey.

Well, just in case. You know what they say, tis the season.

This is help staying healthy through the holidays.

Walgreens.

Hey there. Welcome back to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis. And on this podcast we address the truth about sex, intimacy, and lifelong love. And we've got an amazing episode for you today.

That's right. Yeah. We're in really unique times right now. If you're listening to this episode, anytime near the time it's coming out, you know that our nation and our world are just facing a lot of tension and crisis and quarantine and fear and uncertainty and financial stress and all kinds of things. And we just want to talk about how to experience peace in the midst of all that. What is God's plan for peace? Because he wants you to have it. And we really hope this episode is going to be an encouragement to you and also give you some very practical tools to help you navigate all the uncertainties of life. So let's dive in. We've put together a brand new completely free ebook that we want to give to you. We're calling it the Marriage Survival Guide. It's very specific in some ways to kind of the current coronavirus issue and the financial stress and all the different stresses connected to it. But really, in every season of life, even if you're listening to this years later and you're like, what's the coronavirus? This survival guide has practical tools to help you in every season. And again, it's totally free. All you gotta do to get it is go to this site, XOMarriage.com SurvivalGuide that's XOMarriage.com Survivalguide and we will get it to you immediately.

Oh, my goodness. I believe this episode is so timely and it's so that we deal with in a lot of different seasons of marriage, but especially right now. And that is the subject matter of fear in marriage. And fear is one of those things that can really wreck us individually, but also as a couple, and especially in this climate of COVID 19, we're dealing with the self quarantining. We're dealing with social distancing. Many of us are having to homeschool our kids right now. And that's a huge change too. And Then there's all this uncertainty and this unknown of how many weeks are we gonna be having our kids at home and. And not being able to have parties of more than 10 people or going to restaurants or going out with our kids. How long is this gonna last and where is this gonna go? When am I gonna catch this? There's so much fear surrounding this. And so we wanna talk about what are we supposed to do with this in marriage? What are some ways that we can not only deal with the fear but also protect our relationship in the process? Because I think that that's a casualty that often happens when it comes to fear. Because the thing with fear is husbands and wives, we can experience fear in different ways. And so what happens is we're not on the same page when it comes to fear. And we've been dealing with this lately a little bit. Right, sweetie?

Yeah. Yeah. Cause in a lot of marriages, if your marriage is like ours, there tends to be one spouse who is more. I won't say the worrier, but more of the one who takes things very, very seriously.

More cautious.

More cautious, intensely feels about the way that things should be handled. And the other one is perhaps more just laughing stuff off, you know, takes things lighter, like, hey, let's not worry. And now God wired you both up exactly as you are. So neither of you has a wrong personality. You both are wired up by God to be exactly how you are. And so what you can't do is let this turn into a conflict. The spouse who's like me, I'm kind of the jokester in the relationship. And, you know, I'm just making jokes about coronavirus in ways that are probably just inappropriate, honestly. But it's kind of how I deal with stuff. And Ashley could look at me and just say, you're being an idiot. You know, this is serious. Or I could look at her and be like, you've gotta lighten up. You know, we can't wash our hands every 10 seconds. We've gotta live. We've gotta live. And it's not that either of us are wrong again. God put you and your spouse together so that both of you collectively could have more perspective. You could see the world from different angles. You could support each other. The spouse who need, you know, you could serve each other. So for me, you know, serving means like that I want to step up and be more proactive than I would be in my own nature to kind of help alleviate Ashley's tensions. And for her, it means, like, maybe being able to, you know, laugh at Some of the jokes that I'm making and be able to just kind of cut the tension, even when that's not maybe naturally how she would want to respond to the situation, even though she has a wonderful sense of humor. But I think most marriages are dealing with a dynamic that's kind of like this in times of fear and uncertainty. And so right off the bat, to start the conversation, you have to honor and respect each other, build each other up, take delight in honoring each other. The Bible says, and I love that verse.

I think that, you know, it is important just to lead with respect and honor. I love how you said that, sweetie, because that's what's important. I think so many times when we're going through any time of crisis and fear, those things kind of fly out the door because we start just responding to our emotions, and we let our emotions kind of be our guide. And that can really lead us into some crazy places. Not that our emotions aren't important. You know, we feel things for a reason, but we can't allow our emotions to dictate how we treat our spouse. Because sometimes, you know, we're just in fear mode and we're upset. And when we see our spouse who's not upset, it kind of hits us like, well, what's wrong with you? You're not caring.

Care as much as I do.

Exactly.

And the other spouse is thinking, like, you know, why. Why are you worrying so much? And worrying is not helping, and you're making things worse.

You're catastrophizing this. And, like, we had a little bit of this because a couple weeks ago, I started seeing this coronavirus thing. And this was in the time when people were like, oh, it's just kind of happening in other parts of the world. It won't happen here. And I was like, you know what? Just in case, I'm gonna order a little more toilet paper on Amazon. I promise you, it wasn't a hoarder. I got, like, only two little packages of toilet paper. But I was like, I wanna do it just in case. And I wanna get some canned goods just in case. We'll eat all this stuff. We'll use all this stuff. And Dave was like, sweetie. Cause we started getting packages daily. And he was like, sweetie, what is going on? Like, are you scared about this? And I' I'm just trying to prepare, you know, because we're gonna use this stuff. It's a little bit uncertain on the news. I'm not, like, losing sleep at night at this point, but I just wanna Be prepared. Because I look at it kind of from my perspective is like, I don't wanna look back and think I was passing this off. And I really should have taken this more seriously. But I will tell you this. I'm so glad that I'm married to someone like Dave, who does lighten it up a little bit more, and who does say, hey, whoa, hold up. We don't have to feel like the world is falling apart. God is still in control. It's good to have Dave in my life to help me kind of stay more balanced. And so even though there were a couple times where he would kind of tease me and I would sometimes get a little upset, God would remind me, like, listen, I put you with a spouse that is different from you, that takes things, that sees things from a slightly different perspective because the two of you balance each other. So somewhere in between the two of us is a balanced person in how we look at COVID 19. But either one of us might be more on the extreme side of things. And so I look at it that way. Now, I know we're kind of joking about this, but there are some of you listening where literally you aren't able to sleep. Like, maybe you have an autoimmune disease. Maybe you have one of the disorders they've listed as making you more susceptible to it. Maybe you have parents in nursing homes that you're not able to see right now because they've completely locked down those places. And it's just all this unknown. You can't really contact your family like you'd like to. And it's just very scary. And I will tell you, every time we turn on the news in these last couple weeks, it's just more gloom and doom. And like, you know, just this morning before we recorded this, I'm looking on the news. I always watch morning news, and it's like they're at home, you know, recording from their basement or from their kitchen. And it's just interesting times. It is interesting times.

It is interesting times, for sure. And even if you're listening to this episode later, I know a lot of times when people go back and they're listening to an episode, episode months or years after it was recorded. Every season of Life has times of struggle. And all through the Bible, people were going through times of really unique struggle. Wars and famines and pestilence and all kinds of things. And so we, you know, we want to help that by pointing you to some resources to bring peace in troubled times. And one thing is that we've created a free ebook that you're going to hear us talking about in the coming weeks that you can get totally for free. And it's a survival guide. We've kind of customized a lot of it specifically to the current coronavirus pandemic. And if you go to this website, xomarriage.com EXOMarriage.com is our live events website. There's a lot of great resources there. But go to xomarriage.com survivalguide and at the survival guide website you can download a totally free resource. Again, this is a gift to you. We're not trying to sell you anything, but we've put together some resources in an e book form that we think could be a really practical help to you during this time and to bring peace, which is what we're talking about today. One of the things in the survival guide is a past article we created called five Things to Remember When Life Gets Hard. And this has been one of the most popular articles we've had. We wrote it years ago, but it's a timeless message because it's rooted in scripture. And there are going to be seasons when time is hard, like many of us are experiencing right now. And so real quick, we just want to run through the five things to remember when life gets hard just as a way to kind of bring you some peace today. Number one, and again, these are in no particular order. Remember that your character should always be stronger than your circumstances. And what we mean by that, and really what the Bible means by that is that, you know, our circumstances don't define our peace. Right? We can't let you know, I'm good when things are good. I'm a mess when things are a mess. Because God wants us to have a peace, a shalom that is beyond that. Ashley spent the last several years writing a book called Peace Pirates that comes out next week. Timing could not be more perfect. Where she did, among other things, she did a word study on that word shalom, peace in the Old Testament of the Bible. And what she discovered about what peace really is, what God's peace really is, completely revolutionized the way that I see peace. Sweetie, why don't you tell us what peace is and why? Because of that, you know, this principle and all these principles we're gonna talk about are so true.

Yes. No, I mean, this did. Like when I was doing this book, it took years for me to write. Cause it's something, you know, we all need more peace in our lives. And especially when it comes to like at home, you know, at Home and in our hearts is kind of how I word it. And when I was researching this, I wanted to find out the earliest form of how Hebrews wrote the word peace to each other. The word shalom, which is God's peace. And it's four different symbols. And you can look up those in the book. If you wanna get go to PeacePiratesBook.com and order your book or go to where books are sold on April 7 when it comes out. But it's so awesome and I would love for you to look at these pictures with me. But collectively the pictures, the full definition of God's peace is breaking the authority established by chaos. And when I found that out when I was looking at those pictures and realizing the real meaning of what God's peace is and how the Hebrews, way back when, when they would try to write out shalom to each other, which is still the way they greet each other today in Israel, which is so beautiful, is they're basically saying, like, don't let anything or anyone but God be your authority in your life. And when you feel like chaos is throwing you to and fro, and you feel like you're drowning, that you're just being dragged under, you know, into the undertow and you're being tossed around, that you don't have to allow whatever circumstance is in your life, you know, to be your authority, that God is your authority. And how we reclaim God's peace in our life is by submitting to his authority and saying, God, you are my authority. Not this addiction, not the coronavirus, not wayward children, not a spouse that seems disconnected, not terrible finances, not an illness. You know, whatever it is is not my authority. My authority is God. And he says, peace be still to my heart. And he brings me his peace that surpasses understanding. And I think when we really get that into our minds and in our hearts and we fully believe it and we fully submit, whatever situation is going on in our life, we give it to God, then we will experience his peace. And I know this seems very counterintuitive, but that's why in the word it says his peace surpasses understanding. Because it doesn't make sense to have peace when you're living in fear and you're self quarantined. And it seems like you hear more and more numbers every day of people getting diagnosed with the coronavirus, or you have maybe a diagnosis that just came your way that has nothing to do with the coronavirus, but you're dealing maybe with cancer or maybe you have a child that has a condition, and you're just living in fear all the time that it's just gonna get worse. You know, whatever it is that you're dealing with, you can still have God's peace in the midst of it. And when we have God's peace, we are able to see the world in the way that God wants us to see the world. And we're able to react in the way that God wants us to react. Because when we're at peace, we have wholeness. You know, another kind of more descriptive word for shalom is wholeness. And when we feel whole, we respond better, and we respond in a more peaceful manner. And God wants us to have his peace. It's a gift of the Holy Spirit when we accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, and he wants us to grab ahold of this. And it's not like this elusive thing that he's like. Only those who are deep into the Word and who fully understand all of the intricacies of Christian life can have peace. It's not like that. He's like, listen, you come to me. Come to me. All who are weary, come to me and know my son. Accept my son, and I will bring you my peace. I will literally give you my peace.

And Jesus is the prince of peace.

Exactly.

And he wants to bring peace into your home, into your heart, into your life. And so turn to scripture in this time, you know, dust off that Bible. If it's not something that you're reading regularly, which in every season of life.

It'Ll bring you more peace for sure.

Then we need to be reading regularly. And you will experience as you. As you put your trust in him, even with chaos all around you, like Ashley said, which I just love this, peace doesn't mean there's no chaos, Right? It means that chaos has no authority over you and that your God is bigger than whatever you're facing. And so, yes, find that hope that only Jesus can give. And to plug Ashley's masterpiece here, go get that book, Peace Pirates. It really is so great.

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So coming back to this list of 5 things to do with that in mind, understanding now what piece is we already went through. Number one, remember your character's always stronger than your circumstances. Number two, remember that your struggles always lead to strength. And I love this because God never allows any struggle into your life unless that struggle is going to bring about something positive. The Bible says he works all things together for our Good. It's Romans 8:28. And I love that verse. And I love that promise. Number three, remember that God's timing is always perfect. Even though we might not have timed things out.

We're like, this doesn't make sense.

But in the scope of eternity, we look back and say, God knew what he was doing in that. In that moment to walk me through that season. Number four, remember that God will never leave your side. And number five, remember that you will get through this. That Jesus says, never will I leave you, never will I forsake you. He says that we're going to have troubles in life. In this life you'll have troubles, but take heart, I've overcome the world. He said so. The promise is that we never face those troubles alone. We have the Prince of peace with us. In the midst of that, we do storm. Like Dan Leanne has said in our XO events. And I love Dan with his cool Australian accent. And he always says, like, jesus is in your boat. He's in your boat. I can't do his accent. It's just too funny. That's pretty good. But he's still in the boat with you in the midst of the storm. And there is such peace in that. And I'm so thankful for that.

That's right. He doesn't leave us there. Like, you know what? Figure it out. It never says. Dave always says this. He says, it never says in the Bible. It never says, figure it out. Thou must figure it out. It never says that. It says, turn to the Lord. It says, do not be afraid.

Yeah. Trust God.

Trust God. Right?

He's already figured it out.

Exactly. He's already figured it out. And I know sometimes when we're in the midst of something that is so so uncertain and so full of fear. And you're just like, you know, guys, that all sounds very pie in the sky and very nice, but really, my heart can't take much more. You know, I mean, we all reach that kind of that point where we feel like we're breaking. And, you know, I've shared on the podcast before, so I'm not going to go into great detail on this particular one. You can go back and listen to a podcast about this specifically. But I found, you know, years ago, I went through a point in my life where fear had just taken over my mind and heart. And I didn't even know why. I couldn't even point to one thing. But it eventually for me turned into anxiety and depression. And there's been a lot on the news and online, you know, about how whenever there's a crisis where it's like a worldwide, you know, pandemic, a worldwide concern, a lot of times fear can turn into things like anxiety and depression. And that's a huge concern because mental illness is very real. There are. Even though it's a mental illness, there's physical manifestations when it comes to this. You can feel sick to your stomach. You can feel like you're having a heart attack. You know, you can have. You can be sweating when it's freezing outside just because your body is literally in this, like, fight or flight mode and you're just all over the place with your emotions. And that's where I was, and it lasted for me for four years. But I will tell you this, in that time, whenever I would come to the Lord and I would say, God help me, or I would read the Word and let it wash over my mind that was full of so many lies. And I was replacing those lies with his truth. I would feel his peace in the midst of that chaos. I felt his peace. I didn't wait. I didn't have to wait till my healing to have peace. And so I just wanna encourage you, if you are in that midst of fear, that this is a time where I know it's a struggle, it's scary. And you're like, when is this gonna end? You just want it to end. And you kind of have those thoughts, like, is this gonna be my life? Is this my life now? I'm just kind of full of anxiety. I'm full of depression. I'm fearful all the time. I don't even feel like I can be myself. I'm a shell of a person. I just wanna encourage you and say, no, you will get through this. But I'm telling you that God will teach you things that you could not learn any other way in moments like these. And so I know we're all kind of dreading this time right now. And we always, you know, fast forward, hopefully we're through this. When you're listening to this, maybe it's not coronavirus now, but anything in your life where there's fear and there's uncertainty and you're starting to feel anxiety and maybe even depression, I just wanna encourage you and say, look up, look to the Lord. Let His Word be your guide. Let His Word be that truth that you cling to. Because we do have an enemy that tries to steal, kill and destroy. And he is trying to just wreck our lives with this and make us, you know, if it's not financial, then it's gonna be, you know, us just living in fear even if we don't get the coronavirus or we don't have something actually happening to us. It's just that fear alone can be crippling and it can hurt our relationship like we're talking about on this podcast today. And so I just encourage you to not allow it to do that. And that is a daily thing. It's not like, poof, you know, magically the fear is gone. It's a daily surrendering to the Lord sometimes hourly. And for me, when I was going through anxiety and depression, it was hour. It was something that hourly I had to do that. And I would even put up verses in my car, verses in my bathroom or on my bedside table, just so I would have his word to look at, to remind me of what his truth really is, and that I'm not alone in this and that I have a God who is going to get me through this and that he's gonna use this for my good and for his glory. And if you wanna listen, if this is something you're actually dealing with right now, whether or not it's related to the coronavirus, I want you to go back and listen to one of our earlier episodes that talk specifically on all about anxiety and depression and how, how to get help yourself if you're dealing with this, but also how to help your spouse if your spouse is dealing with this. Because I know it can feel very helpless, you know, for the spouse that's watching their spouse go through all this and living in fear all the time, and you don't know what to do to help them.

Yeah. And that episode is a powerful one where Ashley shares so much of that testimony in more detail as she does in our book, the Naked Marriage. Yes. Which is also an audiobook if you're a listener, where she in her own voice shares.

We're the narrators on that.

You get to hear her beautiful voice sharing some just powerful parts of that testimony. And it's helped so many people. And I'm so proud of you, sweetie, for how you walked through that, trusted the Lord through those years, and now are using that time to, you know, as part of a testimony that's giving power and peace to so many others who are struggling with that. So if you're listening and that's describing you, there is hope. And the Prince of peace wants to walk you through it just like he did for Ashley. Well, that leads us into our question time of the episode. I love this time of the episode. Today's question is from Norway, which I'm so excited about. You know, I, I love seeing that we, that you people are listening from all over the world. It's just, it's fun for, for us to, to look at where the reviews are coming from or to pull up where the downloads are coming from and to see, you know, literally all over the world. We record here in Texas, in the United States, but people are listening on every continent.

Right.

And so we're really, really honored to know that you're inviting us, you know, into your homes, into your world, into your ears, wherever you might be. And so today's question is from a listener in Norway. And sweetie, would you like to, Would you have your reading glasses?

I can read it. They have it in big print for me. Thank you.

We're getting to that age where I think big print helps a lot. So why don't you read today's question, my love?

All right. It says hi from Norway. Me and my wife love your content and we've learned so much as we've only been married for two years, the advice and wisdom you shared has been really helpful. At this early stage in our marriage. We're both wondering if you could talk about stress in marriage and how it can affect the mood and how we act towards each other. We also have a 9 month old son whom we love dearly. But this actually leaves us with less time to work on our issues. For us, it's a day to day struggle where we feel, where how we feel can control how our day turns out. And when stress is a big part of our day, it more often than not ends up being sort of a bad day with loads of ups and downs which in turn makes us tired and worn out. Apologies for the long question. But we'd both love your advice on this. You know, gosh, I can relate to this on so many levels. I know you can too.

Yeah. Great question. First off, and thank you for sending it in. And if you're interested in sending in a question, you can go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com and send it in. We also try to personally answer questions that people write us on social media. Instagram avanashleywillis. Or you can look up marriage on Facebook and see a picture of us smiling there on the profile of the marriage page. And that's us. And we'll, we'll try to respond to you there as well.

Yeah.

But for this particular question, man, I think every parent can relate to this.

Especially with a baby.

With a baby. Yeah. Life is just upside down for a while. You know, your sleep is interrupted. Hopefully at nine months your child's to a point where he or she was it he or she did.

I can't remember well, but either way.

You know, they, it's, you know, at that age, they're, they're, they're, they're going to disrupt your world.

Yes.

And I think you just have to kind of come to terms with that. Like we're in a temporary time of exhaustion and chaos.

Yes.

And we've got to, we've got to figure out how to make this temporary time work. Knowing it's not always going to look like this. Yeah, you're going to get through it. It's going to get easier. But even now, you've got to find a rhythm that works for both of you. And it can mean trying to serve each other. It can mean tag teaming some and taking turns so that one can rest. It can mean like just asking, what can I do for you to make your life easier today? Exhaustion makes everybody even more selfish. We're all selfish by nature anyway. When we're tired, we get even more selfish. But now more than ever is a time for you both to really serve each other. The best marriages have two people who serve each other and look for ways to serve each other in this time. Make sure that you're getting some time alone together. You know, put that baby down to sleep. Get them in a routine where you've got some time every night to connect.

Right.

Don't neglect your sex life during this point. I know when people are tired, that's one of the things that often gets sacrificed. But you need that. Not only physically do you need it, but you need that emotional connection that happens through making love. To your spouse. So make sure that your needs are being met, but also work hard to serve your spouse to make sure their needs are being met.

Absolutely. And, you know, I think this really connects to this kind of climate we're in right now, too, because many of us, we've had to completely change up our routine. Things do not look like they did before. And just like when you have a new baby or even a toddler, like, you know, with parenting, it's not just the baby season that's hard. It's every new season of parenting. You know, I did a poll once where I was asking parents on my page on Facebook, you know, what is the hardest season of raising kids? And what I found, I found this to be so interesting is it was always the newest season. They've never walked through before, no matter how many kids they had, if it was like their oldest child's newest season. And so, you know, I just want to encourage parents listening that, you know, it's always going to have its challenges. And even just like right now, with things being turned upside down, having to homeschool when you haven't been homeschooling in the past, and having to adjust your work schedules and be at home together more, you know, there's always challenges that kind of come our way. And what we have to do is still make time to talk to each other. I just can't emphasize that enough because most marriage problems are communication problems. You know, it's not even like if you're having financial problems. The reason you're mad at each other isn't just because there's not enough money. It's because you haven't talked about it. It's because you haven't gotten on the same page with it. And because you could have more than enough money and still be fighting over finances, it all comes down to communication. Or maybe, you know, if it's dis. If it's children, you're like, oh, these kids are driving us crazy. It really comes down to if you're mad at your spouse about it because you're like, oh, you know, he or she's not helping enough, or whatever it is, it's usually because you guys haven't gotten on the same page and talked about what your expectations are when it comes to disciplining your children or what your values are as a family so that you guys are working together in unity on this. And so I just encourage this couple from Norway especially, you know, make sure you're talking every day. And if. If one of you, you know, Whether you're working in different places or ones at home and one's at work, you know, use your cell phone to your advantage. One thing that's really helped Dave and I through the years is kind of touching base throughout the day because I find that when couples wait till the very end of the day and just unload every frustration on each other, it really kind of kills the mood and it just. It puts both of them on edge. And it also makes them dread coming to the end of the day and having this kind of unloading on each other. And so instead, if you guys can just reconnect throughout the day, whether it's via text, you can even use things like Voxer, where you're leaving voice messages for each other. Marco Polo is another app people use. You can, you know, call each other if you. If you're able to, with your different job jobs and work schedules, whatever it is, just try to reconnect through the day because it really keeps you all connected, but it also helps you to kind of, I don't know, take a gauge of how the day's going. So when your spouse does get home, and when you get home, you can realize, like, okay, they've had kind of a rough day. I'm gonna be extra sweet. I'm gonna think of something I can do to serve them. And in the same way, hopefully your spouse is doing the same for you. But be the first to do that, to say, like, I know, like that meeting didn't go well at work today, and I'm so sorry. You know, why don't I, like, make your favorite cookies or, you know, why don't we go and just have a moment over here? Why don't you go for a run so that you kind of can blow off some steam, you know, whatever it is, that kind of helps to bring more peace into your relationship and to give your spouse some time to kind of rest or get out energy or whatever it is. It's just doing our best to bring out the best in each other.

That is such a good word. And next episode, we're going to talk more about that, specifically in terms of the conflict aspect. Yes, how to overcome. Overcome conflict and find peace in marriage. So it's going to be a natural continuation of what we've been talking about in this episode. Before we get there, I want to remind you that free resource, though, to help you right now, we're really excited about. About this. The team has put together something very special. Again, just as a gift to you. You can, you can get it for free@xomarriage.com survivalguide and it has a lot of practical stuff in there, not only about overcoming conflict and finding piece, but about many different aspects of marriage, you know, sex, even.

This parenting thing.

We've been. Yeah, the parenting thing.

Yeah.

So. So I think this might be the best free resource, written resource that we've ever been able to make available. And we're really excited for you to have it. So download that. Don't forget to leave a review on the podcast. We read all those reviews and those reviews help others discover the podcast. You can, you can subscribe to the podcast and we when you do that, it also helps spread the word. So, guys, thank you again so much for listening.

We will see you next time.