Flirting with Danger? // Hump Day Q&A

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You know what time it is, sweetie?

It's hump day Q and A time.

Hump day Q and A. Hump day Q and A. Welcome to the Naked Marriage Podcast. Hump day Q and A. We love answering your questions. So every Wednesday we're dropping a special podcast episode focused on one of your questions. You can submit your own marriage related question online@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or by sending us a message on Instagram. Aveandashleywillis. We've got a great question today, so let's dive in.

Well, we have a great question for you all today, and it is this. It says, what do I do when I am attracted to someone at work? Man, I know that that's a very honest question and I don't think this is the first time we've had this question, but I think it's a really good one to revisit because I think that, you know, we, we live in a world where, you know, with most couples, they are both working outside the home. We do have a lot of people working inside the home, but even working inside the home, you're having interactions online, probably with your colleagues and things like that. And so it's really important to think about, well, what do we do with that? What would you say, sweetie?

Well, I just need to confess that I'm actually sleeping with someone from work. I know.

And it's me.

It helps when you work together.

Yes, it does.

So, you know, but it's just fun to say that.

Yes, but, you know, in all reality, most people don't.

Most people don't work with their spouse. Yeah, and I get that. And we've worked in multiple settings through the years. You know, we've worked in different offices apart from each other, different settings apart from each other. So we get that dynamic and we're sensitive to that. And this is complicated because when you find yourself attracted to someone who's kind of in areas that you can avoid, that's one thing to just kind of, well, I'm going to Go out of my way to avoid that person because I feel a connection, and I can't help feeling that connection. But I can put up healthy boundaries to make sure that we're not crossing paths more than we need to. But it works. Sometimes you're forced in close proximity with someone, and you can't escape that. And so what do you do with those feelings when it's like, all right, you're partnered up in group assignments at work, you're maybe sharing a cubicle with somebody, you're forced to be around them. And then it makes it even more complicated when that person not necessarily is flirting with you, but they're opening up with you in a friendly way and they're sharing things about their life just because they feel. They feel a familiarity and connection with you, and they don't maybe know that you have these feelings that are being complicated by those interactions. And it's. It's a lot. It is. It's a lot, sweetie. I kind of like getting it back to you. Like, where do you start with that? I mean, I think, you know, obvious. Go out of your way to avoid them when you can. Of course, don't, like, volunteer to partner up with them for projects. I mean, go out of your way to kind of just change your work routine, to not be at the water cooler when they are at the water cooler. But when you find yourself kind of forced into close proximity, what do you do in those moments?

Well, the first thing is avoidance. You have to avoid that person. Do not go to them and say, I'm attracted to you. Okay.

Oh, yeah.

No, do not do that. Okay. You might be like, well, maybe if I do, then they'll realize, oh, we need to have this separation. Let me tell you, I'm going to use a word that is just. There's no other word to capture it, but that is extremely titillating for people. And. And there's no other word to capture.

Just the word to turn on.

It's titillating, whatever. Because, like. Oh, my gosh.

Well, no, that's. That. That is, number one, like confessing that can put you at risk for sexual harassment. Yes, it's. And number two, that's like one of the best case scenarios. One of the worst case scenarios is they reciprocate. And instead of boundaries, you guys fall into.

Well, that's what I'm saying.

So we've had, you know, I've had a friend that fell into an affair, and it started with this, that they, him and a co worker were just trying to be Honest. And both confess these feelings, thinking like, oh, well, now that it's out there, we can, you know, we can be adults and just avoid it. But what happened instead is that they fell into a sexual affair. So you have to. You don't share that with them. Instead, talk about your spouse as often as you can in an open, loving way. Everybody at your office should know that you're married. Wear your wedding ring. We wear it with pride. Have pictures of your spouse on your desk. Talk about him or her as often as you can. Make sure that that comes up in conversation often. It should not be a surprise to these co workers, especially this one, that you might feel a connection to, that you're happily married. And as you talk about your spouse, it's reminding you of your marriage, it's reminding you of your spouse, and it's gonna help reset your mind, I think, praying about it, say, God, for sure, like, this is lodged in my mind, and the enemy would like to use this to just create conf. Lust or distraction. And instead, God, would you help me to refocus that attention or that fantasy or whatever it might be toward my spouse, which is the only appropriate place on earth for that to happen. I don't want to. I don't want to give a foothold to anything negative. And maybe this other person is a fine person. They're not doing anything to perpetuate this. This is all in your mind. It's a battlefield in your own mind, and you've got to fight the battle there. Saying, lord, when that thought comes in my mind, I want to take that thought captive. Like the Bible says, renew my mind with your truth and just not. Not play out any kind of fantasy, any kind of thought even. Any kind of thought, like, well, if anything ever happened to my spouse, you know, somebody like, this person is who I want to. You can't let your mind go to these scenarios where you're with this person. You have to shut that down completely.

You do. And, you know, I know the question in your minds right now is, well, what do I say to my spouse? You know, I think first and foremost, if you're finding yourself, like, fantasizing about this other person at work and like, focusing on this attraction, because it's one thing to recognize that somebody is handsome or someone's beautiful or interesting or whatever. I mean, we're human beings. You can think that, but then focusing on it, it's like giving it more than just that one thought.

Yeah.

That's when I would say, if you're giving it More than just that one thought, you need to go home and really start focusing on connecting with your spouse, because you're giving yourself over to that, right? And so, you know, you might need to go to your spouse and say, you know, I think there might be a disconnect between us. Let's start doing more together. And, you know, I think that there. There are ways, you know, to share this with your spouse, because some of you are like, well, I wouldn't want to say this to my spouse because nothing's happened. And I don't want to put this in their head and make them worry. But I also feel kind of guilty not saying something. And I know years ago we had some pastor friends of ours use this language. You may have heard us share this before. You know, talk to your spouse about somebody maybe not being a safe person. Meaning, like, I just don't feel safe around this person for whatever reason. Maybe they're flirting with you, maybe you're attracted to them or both, you know, or you feel this. This just a connection that you think is a little too close. It's a. I think using that language shows them, like, listen, I'm not doing anything, but this person's not safe. I want to move departments. Like, I mean, I would just encourage you to be willing to do drastic things to get yourself out of that. That situation. You know, in the Bible, it talks about fleeing temptation. It doesn't say, you know, just hang. Hang in temptation. You're good. You know, you're a Christian, fine. No, no, no. It says, like, literally, run, run from temptation, get away. And so if you, If. If, you know, renewing, allowing God to renew your mind and maybe avoiding them is still not working, and maybe they still keep coming around. Be willing to do drastic things. Like, the people we know maybe had situations like this and have made it through, have. Have done what we've talked about. Like, and sometimes it took moving departments. It took. So I remember there was one couple prayed that one of them would have the opportunity to move, like nothing had happened, but they were like, this just isn't good. And I want to say the other person ended up have, like, moving or something. And so, like, just really be praying about it, but just don't take it lightly. Obviously, this person writing this question didn't take it lightly, and you're doing the right thing and recognizing it for what it is. But do all those things. Pray, avoid, and really be open with your spouse and connect with your spouse.

And one final thing, just don't be too friendly. Right I mean, don't. Just don't get into deep conversations.

We don't be mean.

Don't be mean. But just, you know, go out of your way to. To be. To be quick answers, like, all right, good. Yeah. And professional. Quick. See ya. That's it. You know, I mean, and I think we know these things, but sometimes when. When feelings get involved, our common sense goes out the door and we're lonely or we're lonely.

Yeah.

So, yeah, lean in. Like Ashley said earlier, connect with your spouse. That's. That is the safe place to have all these feelings. And so make sure you're connecting there. We've got resources here at Exomarriage to help you guys. Thank you for your questions. This was a good one. You can go to us on Instagram avanashleywillis and submit questions there, and we will look forward to seeing you next time. Bye, guys.

Thank you all so much for listening to today's episode of Hump Day. Q and A. We love getting your questions and we want to answer your question. So if you go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com, you can submit your question right there, or you can follow us on Instagram avanashleywillis and you can give us your questions right there by giving us a dm. So we'll catch you next time on Hunt Day Q and A.