Giving your Spouse your Best

In the time it takes us to say we're using Folger's instant coffee, seamlessly blended with water and ice, a splash of whatever kind of milk is your thing. And gotta get that caramel drizzle, all to make a toasty, roasty caramel iced coffee. You could be enjoying it. Every damn sip of it. Damn right, it's Folgers Instant. Well, hello and welcome back to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast we address the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And we are continuing in our series about nine habits that can lead to divorce. And you guys, we are on number four, I believe, and it's a really good one today. And Dave's gonna tell you all about it in just a minute. But before we dive into that, I wanna read another review. And thank you guys so much for taking the time to write a review. It is the best way to let people know about this podcast. So if this podcast means something to you, we would be so grateful if you could leave a review. It doesn't take much time at all, but it also, it also keeps us going, it keeps us motivated, it encourages us for sure, putting out this content. And not just us, but the entire team that you don't ever see behind the scenes who's working just as hard, if not harder than us to make all this possible.

It really is our producer going Eric Randall.

Yes.

And Jonathan Armbruster, two incredible tech ninjas. They are amazing marriage champions that are, that are right here with us today.

We could not do this without them.

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We are. We are. All right, so today's review is called One True Love 2911. And the person says this, thank you for all you do for God in this ministry. This podcast has helped me in so many ways. God is bringing healing and restoration into my life and my marriage. I even listen with my 18 and 20 year olds in the car and I want them to, to know God, God's way is always best. And you guys, man, that just when, when not only it's helping your marriage, but you're even having your, your, you know, older kids listen to this so that they can learn something for their future marriages that just, it just makes our day. So thank you so much for leaving that review and we hope that the podcast continues to be a big blessing to you.

Yeah. And also it gives people a great idea of, you know, listen to this in front of your teenage kids or your young adult children or your friends or whoever else, because in doing that, you're helping to spread the word. And with young people in particular, you're helping give them a foundation for their future relationships and future marriage. And you can't start too early building that solid foundation because the world's bombarding us with all kinds of wrong information about marriage and sex and love and all those things.

So.

So we want this to be a safe place to point back to the truth of what God says about these things. So thank you so much for listening, for sharing reviews like that, and for helping spread the word. It's a great episode. Today we're in a series on the nine habits that lead to divorce. And I think that the one we're gonna talk about today is something really practical. Stick around to the very end. Ashley shares something at the end of today's talk that I think is just such a beautiful challenge that spoke directly to me in ways that I want to approach the day for both marriage and life in general. I think it has great application. So let's dive in. All right, we are back in the nine habits that lead to divorce. And this fourth one, I think is a common one, and that's giving your leftovers instead of giving your best. That's why we're calling this episode love versus leftovers. And so what do we mean by giving your leftovers? It's. It's when you. You only give your spouse what's left over after you've given all the best of your energy to everything else. To your work, to your kids, to your hobbies, to your friends. And then whatever else is left is what your spouse gets. And it's easy to fall into this trap when you think that, well, my spouse is an adult. They can deal. But all these other things are critical, like, my work needs me, my kids need me, this friend in crisis needs me, everybody else needs me. My spouse, it just has to learn that they're going to have to deal with whatever's left over. But that's not love, and that's certainly not going to help a marriage thrive. We've got to give our spouse the best of ourselves. And the more we do that, the more it's going to energize us to be at our best for everyone else.

You know, I love how you said, my spouse is just going to have to learn or whatever that. That is a. If you're wondering, well, do we fall into this? That's a phrase like, if you find yourself thinking or saying, well, they're a grown man or, you know, she's a grown woman. My spouse just needs to know how to handle this. You know, basically, like, you're on your own. I'm going to deal with this. And it's like, you know, and you, in your mind, you justify it, because they are, I mean, technically a grown woman or a grown man. And yes, they can do a lot on their own, but really underneath all of that, underneath that phrase is a lack of care. And it's really saying, like, you know, you're just, you know, I love you. I don't need to, like, show you. I mean, you know, I vowed to, you know, my life to you and just please, like, step aside so I can do all these other things that I need to get to. And so it becomes very dismissive. And I think that's where we see a lot of the marital problems, you know, come in to there. And I just want to say really quick, when it comes to leftovers, don't eat your spouse's leftovers.

Okay.

Without checking first.

This was the first fight I remember having as a married couple. And it wasn't even really a fight. It was just I had wounded you, I think, so deeply and frustrated you. So, yes, while we're on the topic of leftovers, we had to talk about this. So here was the scenario. We were young, newly married, and we had gone out to eat the night before. And Ashley had, being very resourceful, not wasting anything as poor newlyweds. She had saved what was left of her dinner, got it boxed up, which.

I can't remember even what it was, but I must have really loved it, right?

She had it boxed up, and she had brought it home to put in the fridge. Now I thought the whole, like, we share everything now means, like, everything is all of ours.

Yes.

She had planned. I did not realize that that was, like, going to be her dinner the next night or when she got home from work, what she was going to eat. So I had gone home. I had, like, walked home for lunch, opened up the fridge and opened up that box, and like, oh, this looks good.

Yeah, it was. It was real good.

And I ate it. And so then she got home from work, and she opened up the fridge, famished, so hungry. She'd been looking forward all day.

You guys know when you say something from a restaurant, you. And you know, it's in your fridge, and, like, you're. You're in lean times. Okay? Cause we were in very lean times.

Oh, yeah. We were broke.

You know, you dream about it. You were dreaming about that meal. You've had a hard day at work.

No peanut butter and jelly tonight, right?

You're like, I'm getting the legit restaurant food that's leftover. And so I come home and I'm, like, really hungry, too. And I am. I am not happy when I'm super hungry. Like, I. My blood sugar was running low. So I go. I go to the fridge, open it up, and I get the box, and I'm so excited, and I open it, and literally there was, like, a nugget left. Like. Like, I don't or whatever. Like. Like a smidge.

I. I hadn't seen her this disappointed in a long time. She was like, where's the food? Where is it? I was gonna eat that. It was like, she wasn't finishing any sentences. She was just saying all these things. And then she looked at me and said, just forget it. She, like, stormed off. And I was like, what did I do? Well, I realized quickly what I had done. I'd eaten her food.

You ate my leftovers.

And I did. And that's the last time, like, I have not touched. If she puts a box in the fridge, even though everything is ours, well.

You just ask first.

But that box in the fridge, that is hers. And if I'm going to even nibble on it now, I'm like, my love.

I know.

Can I have a little bit of this?

Are you going to really eat this? You know, can I? Leftovers a lot of times get, like, passed by, but this was just in a season where we ate every leftover.

We ate everything.

We definitely did.

So. But even though that's a. That's a wonderful story, and I don't think we've ever shared that.

We have never shared that. We were reminded of it the other day. I don't know why, but I probably ate something. You probably did. But when it comes to leftovers, like, in how we treat our spouse, you know, we use that term, leftovers, because we. We all. We. We know what that means, right? But we don't want to give our spouse are our leftovers when it comes to how we treat them. We don't want to give our best to these perfect strangers or to our colleagues or whoever all day long, only to come home and be spent to give our spouse, you know, our leftovers or our grunts or our lack of attention because we've, you know, given it to everybody else. And I'm not saying, like, well, don't talk to anybody during the day so you can save up for your spouse at Night. That's not what I'm saying at all. But I'm just saying that we all need to be mindful of smiling when we come home, putting down our phones, putting down our laptops, and literally looking our spouse in the eye and giving them the attention that they not only need, but that they more than deserve. Only because they're your spouse. Right? I'm not saying they earned it by how they were behaving or anything like that, but just by the very fact that they're your spouse or the person that you made all these vows to, that you've pledged your life to. Right. They deserve your best attention. And, and we need to give each other our best attention. And this is something that I think the longer we're together, the more we tend to fall into this. I think people are like, well, you know, he knows, he knows I see him, he knows I'm just tired when I come home, you know, whatever. Like, we make excuses, but what you'll find is that one or both spouses feel neglected. I mean, really, they feel neglected emotionally. And then you start to see a disconnect.

And that's why we put this on the list of the habits that really do lead to divorce. Because when we kind of do an autopsy, so to speak, on a marriage that's died and ended in divorce, and we say, well, what were the causes that led to that? Just like an actual autopsy would say, what are the causes that led to the death of this body? This is one of those things that comes up a lot that the couple got into a habit of giving the best of their energies, other places, giving each other just whatever scraps were left over, which usually meant that they were never at their best for each other. They were always tired or short tempered or whatever. They're just not there, just not fully present. And then like Ashley just said, that causes a pulling away. And you're going to gravitate to those places where you're giving your best. The Bible says it this way. Wherever your treasure is there your heart will be also. In other words, wherever you're giving what's most valuable to you, your heart is going to follow there as well. So if you're giving the very best parts, the treasure of your time, the treasure of your energy or your resources, wherever, you know, to other friendships or to work or your kids or whatever else, that's where your heart's going to be. And if there's no part of your heart left over for your spouse, then you're robbing them of that attention and affection that is rightfully theirs. And that marriage is going to just suffocate. It's going to starve. Just like a body needs air to breathe to stay alive, a marriage needs love and attention and affection. And if you rob it of that, it's going to suffocate. Black Friday Savings are here at the Home Depot, which means it's time to add new cordless power to your collection. Right now, when you buy a select battery kit from one of our top brands like Ryobi or Milwaukee, you'll get a select tool from that same brand for free. Click into one of our best deals of the season and stock up on tools for all your upcoming projects. Get Black Friday Savings happening now at the Home Depot. Limit 1 per transaction exclusions apply. Full eligible tool list in store and online.

The Burlington Coat event is back. Buy a coat now through November 29th and get $5 off your merchandise purchase of 25 or more from December 6th through December 24th. Plus, Burlington is donating 50,000 new coats to help those in need nationwide. Through our partnership with Delivering Good, we've been keeping you warm for over 50 years. We'll see you at our coat event, Burlington Deals brands. Wow. Visit burlington.com coats for details. Absolutely. That's a great analogy, sweetie. And I know it's kind of sad and maybe a little bit morbid, but it's the truth. I mean, this is really how it goes. And I love that term autopsy. I think it's really, it's good, you know, kind of to do a pre autopsy, so to speak, to where maybe you kind of look at this, where things are right now in your relationship and think, if we peel back the curtain, what's working, what's not? I think it's really good for all married couples to do that and to talk frankly about it. Right. And to say, like, okay, what are we doing? Well, where do we need to work on things? And that's why we do these podcast episodes like this. I think what we need to talk about right now, sweetie, is, you know, maybe people get what we're talking about. They get the dynamic and they're like, yeah, that's not good. Like, they can recognize, okay, I need to give my spouse my best, but it's a little murky. Like, I don't know what the signs are. What would you say I are some of the telltale signs of this? Do you want me to start or do you want to go ahead?

No, you go ahead.

Okay. We'll be thinking about it. I would Say, like, when I think about leftovers, I think about always coming home angry and. Or apathetic. Like when someone. Whenever. And when I say coming home, like when you're. When you've been out for the day, working, depending on what kind of shift you have, obviously. But when you come back together, where there's just always. Your spouse always seems to be a little ticked off at you, like they're just not in the best place. Right. That's a sign because they're. They're clearly not. Not trying to even put their best foot forward. And I'm not saying you always have to be cheery. I mean, obviously we. We have moods, but we can be in a bad mood and still be respectful. Right? And now when there's no respect, you know, you come home and there's no respect and willingness to even lend a listening ear. That's a major problem. Cause you're not giving your best. I would say another one is they are constantly, you know, finding reasons to not be home or to not be with you. You know, whether it be going out with colleagues after work to extend that. That time away from home. Maybe it's, you know, taking on volunteer activities that are, you know, well above what they really should be doing because it's actually infringing on your family time. But it's like a, you know, they call it volunteering and like. Like it's out of the goodness of their heart. But really it's just to stay away from home. Do you know? And I know I'm probably stepping on some toes here. I've known people to use the church in this way.

Preach.

No, I mean, really, we have. There's even pastors that have used this. Like, it's just the. It's my calling, you know, I gotta be with the people of the church. And it's like God never calls you to serve him and his people at the expense of your family. Your very first ministry. And so when we try to use the church or our volunteering, you know, as a. As a means to stay away from home, we're missing the point here, right? We're neglecting our family. We're giving our family our. Our leftovers are nothing at all. I would say, you know, another one, which is, you know, a big one, obviously, is if, you know someone like, let's say a neighbor comes to your house and comes to your door and you've been grouchy, you've been a complete grouch at your house, but then they come to your door and you're like, well, hello. God bless you. How is everything? Oh, my goodness. How are the kids? And you're like this sweet, sweetest person, and you end up spending 30 minutes talking to this person. What the heck, guys? What the heck? That's what I want to say. Because it's like, how hurtful would it be to your spouse to see you being this kind, generous person with your time and your compliments, and then you close that door, and you're just like, I'm going to the room to watch football, or I'm. I'm gonna go do this thing. You know, it's just hurtful, and it's. It's showing. Like, you do have the capacity to be not a jerk and to be nice, but you're not doing it for your spouse because you're like, well, they know I love them, you know? And it's just. It's just very, very dismissive.

Yeah. And we make the excuse, well, I can just take my filters off with my spouse, because, like, this. They just get me for who I am. This is who I am.

I don't know why we're doing accents while we're doing all this.

Right?

We just.

I thought you were doing a Joel Osteen impression a minute ago.

I don't know who that.

Bless you. Hello. How are you? I was like, hey, Joel.

This is just Southern hospitality, I think. But, like, I just. I don't know why the accents come out. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?

We're trying to start doing voiceover work on the side, and this is our.

Audition tape that I could never. You actually legit could do that. You're really good at accents, but.

Oh, stop, stop. I want to be as friendly as you. Remember that our. Our old neighbor that would come over.

Oh, my gosh. You do do his accent. It's like, the most charming thing.

Yeah.

Pure Georgia. Like, quintessentially Georgia.

He came over and he was like, I would just be mesmerized. He'd be like, well, hello, Dave. Name is Mr. Culpepper. I'm just welcoming you to the neighborhood, and I'm just like, I just want to hear you talk all day.

It's the most beautiful boas molasses Southern accent ever. Yes. Hard to be in a bad mood hearing Mr. Culpepper talk. I don't want to say that.

And so why not talk to your spouse in a way that makes them hard to be in a bad mood. Right. Like, that's where we're trying to land this.

Find your inner Mr. Culpepper.

Right. Talk in a way that's soothing, kind. In the book of Ephesians 4:32 says, Be kind, forgiving and tender hearted to one another. How would your words sound differently if that were tender hearted? Just underline that one in your Bible. If we were really tender hearted with each other, not sharp, not just always moody and edgy, this doesn't mean we can't ever be in a bad mood or we can't express the full range of our feelings to one another. But what if we said, let's, let's make it our goal to give the best of ourselves. Let's try to be joyful with each other, to be tender with each other, to be patient with each other. Like First Corinthians 13, the love chapter in the Bible. Love is patient and kind.

Well, love.

Let our words then be patient and kind. I mean, if love is all those things, go down that list. If I'm not doing those things in my words and in my attitudes toward my spouse, then am I really showing them love?

Exactly. And so if you're watching this and listening to this and you're like, okay, I feel convicted. I feel like I'm kind of caught in this dynamic where I'm used to giving my spouse my leftovers and you're thinking like, how do I turn this around? And I would tell you, I would start with prayer. You know, Dave mentioned being tender hearted. And the best way to take a maybe hardened heart to a tender heart is God. And I would even venture to say the only way, I mean, really the only way is asking the Lord to make your heart tender again. And he can. And just, you know, if, you know these kind of trigger points of the day where you tend to be a grouch, start praying right before you know that time is coming. And we all have them. Like I've shared on here before, I am, I am not a morning person. Like, I'm not. And I specifically, I usually pray at night, but I've started really praying in the morning and I start every day. And this isn't necessarily out loud. I mean, pray out loud if you'd like to. But you know, in my, just in my prayers, I will literally say, you know, this is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. And then I start praying. And you guys, it's really changed things. I don't know if you've noticed, but have you noticed I'm not as much of A grouch in the morning. I hope you've noticed this.

I never think you're a grouch.

No, you know, I have been, like, on the rampage. Okay. For years.

I mean, I would say it's.

When I say rampage, I mean, like, just kind of.

It's not your favorite time of day. But no, you know what? Now that you say that, think about it.

It's been probably about a couple months I've been specifically doing that. And the reason I just was like, you know, I don't want to make that excuse anymore, you know, because I'm really not a morning person. I'm really not. And I used to always be like, oh, I got to have my coffee. But I was like, what if. What if I just get my mind and heart in the right place? You know? I mean, I'm always praying at night, but, I mean, there's nothing that says you can't, you know, pray in the morning. Like, there's no, you know, I mean, you can pray all day long if you'd like to. And I just really. It's made a notable difference in how I see the day and how I talk to the kids and how I talk to Dave. Cause I was prepping for the school year. I mean, honestly, you know, we were able to sleep in a little bit.

And you know what? It was a really smooth start.

It was a really smooth start.

Maybe the most. The best one we've had of all the years of school.

Exactly. And I wonder if I was, you know, our mornings many times be kind of stressful. And I think that I was giving you kind of my leftovers, so to speak, in the morning. And, like, say I was like, well, maybe I can say it this way. I was withholding my best from you guys in the morning and really chalking it up to just excuse it, like, saying, well, I'm just not a morning person. But I think that, you know, I. I think that we feed off each other's energy. And I think I was having that negative energy. And the kids, you know, feel it, too. And so we don't even realize the kind of power we hold just in what we're putting out to those we love the most. And it's like, I think so many times, and I've been guilty of this many times, we do make excuses, and we just chalk it up to them knowing that we love them. But you guys, that's not giving them our best, you know? And, yes, they know. I mean, hopefully they do, because you tell them all the time. And you show them all the time, but we still need to do better. And I was really challenging myself over this, especially with the morning thing. And maybe that's you. But I would just say, you know, try praying before, you know, you're going to maybe be having a case of the grouchies. You know, maybe it's on your ride home from work, you've had a hard day. Maybe you listen to worship music and you pray, or maybe you don't listen to anything and you just talk to God and you say, God, I want to give my family my best. This day has been a lot. You know, it's been really hard. I'm exhausted. But can you just help my heart stay soft? And I'm telling you, it will really turn things around. It will.

Man, that is a good word. Guys, I can't think of a better, better way to end this conversation than that, because that is. That's just powerful. I mean, and it really does remind us that we have so much more control than we realize once we give it all to God and say, lord, just give me the strength to be at my best and give my best to you, Lord, and give my best to my family and to enter every moment of the day with that kind of attitude. And this is the day the Lord's made right. I'm going to rejoice, be glad in it, be the best spouse I can be. And, yeah, that's a good challenge for me. My mind's spinning about ways that I can do that more effectively and intentionally. So thank you, sweetie, for sharing that.

Thank you.

And thank you all for listening. And as always, you guys can find us at Dave and Ashley Willis on Instagram. We're no longer answering questions at the end of these episodes the way that we've done in the past, because every Wednesday, we've got a brand new. It's actually not even brand new anymore, but it still feels new to me.

Still feels new.

Hump day Q and A episodes that are gonna drop every Wednesday just specifically to answer one of your questions. And so you can still send us questions, as always, @nakedmarriagepodcast.com or on Instagram avanashleywillis and we might answer one of yours in a hump day Q and A. But in the meantime, you can always go to exomarriage.com and get the latest on all that's happening with the ministry. And we appreciate you guys so much. So God bless. We'll see you next time.

Bye, guys. Sa.