Grumpy Spouse

Welcome to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast we undress the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. We've got a really unique topic today that I think you guys are going to enjoy. Before we dive in though, my beautiful bride has got her reading glasses on, which make you even look sexier somehow. And she is going to read a recent review. And thank you guys, by the way, for leaving these reviews. We read every single one.

We do. We love reading reviews. All right, this is for from Micah Almazan and she entitled this review Life Changing Podcast. She says, this podcast has helped me navigate through some deep pain in myself and my marriage. It helped me gain some understanding on specific things we've been through in our marriage and definitely gives me hope to know we're not alone. Every marriage has its valleys and mountains. So thankful for this podcast and the lovely couple that's so vulnerable and honest about their own lives and marriage to help people like myself. Absolutely love listening. Thank you so much, Micah. I mean that, that's our heart. We just want to meet people right where they are, let them know they're not alone and that your marriage can get through these hard seasons. Because all of us go through hard seasons and there's very specific things we can do.

That's so true. Yeah. Thank you again for writing that in.

I'm 32, juggling family, working full time, and earning a bachelor's degree at University of Phoenix. I earn career relevant skills with every five week course. Skills I can use now, not just after graduation.

Earn skills in weeks, not years. Visit Phoenix Edu I think in marriage we've got a unique opportunity to help bring out the best or bring out the worst in our spouse. In every single marriage, when your spouse is frustrated and that frustration could be symbolized by a fire, you get to either throw water on that fire or gasoline on that fire. And so how do we throw water on it? Like, how do we help our spouse be at their best? How do we resolve conflict and bring peace as kind of the default mode of the home, instead of there being this tension and conflict and anger that's always there. And you've been around couples who are like this. Maybe right now you're in a negative cycle where you are kind of in that cycle and you're like that, where it's just negative and angry all the time. How do we calm down from that? How do we have peace?

Yeah, yeah, we want to disarm it. Like, I think so many times it hurts that, like, you know, Maybe it's like you're in. I always say this, and I know I've said this before on the podcast, like what I like to refer to as a sandpaper season. Like, you just feel like everybody and everything is like rubbing you the wrong way. And you feel like life is just especially hard right now. That's when we don't tend to handle it well. Like, if our spouse is in a bad mood, it rubs against us like sandpaper. And then we wanna retaliate. And so what we have to do is really resist that retaliation. And some ways we can do that is instead of just snapping back at em, you can say like, hey, is everything okay? Or are you mad at me? Cause sometimes your spouse may not even realize the tone they've taken on. And I do this with Dave. Sometimes, like, he'll, you know, if he's in a, in just a bad mood, he will say something. I don't have bad mood. We call him bmd, Bad Mood Dave.

Bad Mood Dave. He does.

He's a real guy.

Yeah.

It was coined phrase by his brothers bmd. Cause it's because he's in a good mood so much of the time. So when he's in a bad mood, it's such a different, you know, it's a different kind of Dave. And so BMD, it's like I've learned over the almost 20 years we've been together that I need to, like, instead of saying like, you're being a jerk or just, just like lashing back at him, if I can say, like, are you mad at me? Because sometimes he might be, I don't know. But most of the time he'll say, no, I'm not mad at you. I'm just frustrated.

Yeah.

And not even with me. Like, a lot of times it's just other situations, it's really never you.

Like, when I get, when I get in a bad mood, it's other triggers, it's other things that have just kind of. I describe it, like, I use the analogy. My kids hate this, where it's like ear flicks. I've been flicked in the ear in the same spot over and over. It's like every little frustrating thing that happens to me in a day is like one little flick in the ear. And by itself it doesn't hurt that much. But when you get flicked in the same spot the fifth time, the tenth time, the fifteenth time, eventually there's that one that just kind of draws blood and I turn into the Hulk, like, and I'm working on it. And this is a personal issue. The Bible has a lot to say about controlling our own anger. The book of Proverbs, which I try to read out of every single day because it is just so full of wisdom for the ages about every part of our life. And it talks a lot about controlling your anger. It says that. That a fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise person keeps himself or herself under control and holds it back. Not that we're never allowed to experience anger because Jesus got angry. I mean, anger can be just a natural human emotion. But we tend to make our worst decision decisions when we're angry. If we let that anger fester. And so we've got to hold it back. We've got to express our anger within a controlled and healthy way.

That's right. And so when it comes to, like, if your spouse, you know, this is just. We're gonna talk specifically if you know, your spouse is just kind of being a bear all the time, they're going through a rough season, and they're kind of taking that on you, like, what do you do? And I do think that by instead of just saying, you're being a jerk. And there's some times where they really are being a jerk, and you need to say, like, listen, you're really talking to me in, like, a super disrespectful tone. And you gotta just reckon with them. But I think before you get to, like, these very heated discussions, I think there's smaller ways that we can let them know that don't seem to come on as, like, an attack. And one way to do that is to you kind of take them out from what they're talking about by asking, are you mad at me? Like, when you ask a question in a very calm way, it's very disarming because it does get them to kind of stop and think, like, oh, I must be coming off like a jerk, or why would they think I'm mad at them? Because you're probably not. They're not even thinking that way. And they're like, oh, my gosh, she thinks that I'm mad at her. Like, what did I do? And you can kind of calm. It's kind of that little bit of water you're throwing on the fire, like, what's really going on here? And then you can kind of have a discussion over that. Now, it's not always as easy as that. I get that some of you listening are like, yeah, right. Like, he would just stomp on, or she would just not even respond to me. Or whatever. Or just huff and puff and do eye rolls. And so I get it. It's not always that easy. But what it really, I think the most important thing to do is to not retaliate back. But instead, if the question may be, you know, are you mad at me? Maybe another question would be, hey, what happened today? Like, you know, did something bad happen today? And I know, like, especially if Dave is in that kind of dynamic, he sometimes will. His first answer will be, no, no. Or he'll say, same old, same old, you know, like nothing new. And then he'll pause for a moment and he'll be like, well, wait a minute. No, this thing happened, and it's just kind of been, like, festering in me. And it'll calm him down trying to.

Identify the root of it. Not justifying angry behavior, but just trying to. Trying to identify the root of it so that you can work through it together in a. In a healthy way. And. And Ashley is a master at.

I wouldn't say master.

You are a master. You are a Jedi Master.

And I get in bad moods a lot, too. This is not just like a Dave thing. Like, I definitely have Badash is what we like to refer to mine as.

So, yeah, you don't get mad. No, it's just part of being human. You're gonna see each other at your best and at your worst. That's part of what marriage is. But another part of marriage is that you can help each other either be at their best or at their worst. You are uniquely qualified to either know what buttons to push to just make your spouse's day feel ruined, or to help pull them out of a day that feels ruined and help help them see with perspective, help them calm down. And so you've got to choose which one you're going to be. Which kind of spouse are you going to be? Are you going to. When your spouse is mad, are you going to just get mad yourself and say, what do you got to be so mad about? My life's harder than yours. And, you know. You know, that's. Yeah, that's just a toxic cycle. But when you swallow your pride and say, you know what? This is an opportunity for me to serve my spouse and to bring some peace back into this home, and I'm just going to lovingly enter into it, and I'm not going to get defensive. I'm just going to. I'm going to try to love them out of this, so to speak. And you've got such power to do that.

It's so True. Because retaliation. Or doing like Dave said, just this comparison game. Like, well, I did all this, and I'm not acting like this. I'm not stomping around. What do you have to be mad about? You know, like those. The tit for tat game. It just doesn't help. It only. It's like you literally are just pouring gasoline on the fire, but. But really concentrating on what is the real issue here. Was his pride hurt? Was she really disappointed by something that she really wanted and it just didn't happen? Or were the kids just particularly hard today? Did something. Did something really horrible happen that she's just never told me about? Whatever it is, you gotta get to the heart of the issue. And that only happens by being calm. And it does too. Even lowering the volume if they're yelling at you. Or kind of, maybe they're not yelling, yelling, but just kind of having a volume of intensity. Just even lowering your voice and just being really kind of calm with how you talk. It really. It makes everybody have to lean in. And, I mean, this is something they teach us in parenting. I mean, they say, like, you know, don't, like, match. If your kid's yelling at you, you're not gonna just yell right back. And believe me, I'm not always good at this. But those times when I'm able to really bring it down, they're like, wait a minute. Like, oh, so now we're leaning and listening. You know, it kind of diffuses. Whatever intensity is kind of in the room at that moment. So that can really help things, too. But I think, too, I wanna make this point, if this is an ongoing thing where you feel like they're always just intense with you, if they're calling you names, if they're just a bear in the house all the time stomping around and everybody's walking on eggshells, and that's like an ongoing issue. That is not healthy. We have other podcasts on this. I mean, that can be even abusive, you know, emotionally abusive to you and your children. We're not talking about that. We're talking about, you know, a season, a moment where it tends to be that your spouse is falling into a bad mood. And how to diffuse it.

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Yes. I'm so glad you said that, sweetie. Just as a disclaimer, if you are in a situation where there is just a perpetual cycle of anger or violence in your home, you've got to get help. You got to get counseling, get safe. If you need a place to start, we have some coaches here at Marriage Today who could potentially meet with you via Skype. You can learn more about them@marriagetoday.com coaches but do get help in those situations. But we are like, just to reiterate what Ashley's saying, talking more about those moments where we're human, we're frustrated. And it can be so easy to take a bad day out on your spouse.

Oh, so easy.

Like you come home and.

And everything's their fault. Yeah.

And it's just because it's just proximity. You know, they're the one right in front of you and you've got all this frustration. And so you've been. You've held it in and you've been polite to all these strangers and coworkers all day while you were angry. And then you come home and you just unload it all on your. On your spouse. And I think that while marriage has to be a safe place for us to be able to vent our frustrations in a healthy way, that we need to do our best to be intentional, to say, I want to give my spouse the best of myself, I don't want them to always just be what I dump on. Like, they're not the landfill for all of my problems, but I want them to be the person that I can share my wins with, that I can celebrate with, that I can laugh together with Them and we've got. And if that's not happening, if you find yourself slipping into this negative cycle where you're just kind of dumping on each other and that's all that it is, then you do have to be intentional about pulling out of that and saying, we need to create a new dynamic here.

And it does take that. It takes intentionality majorly. You know, I just heard a message, or read a message, I guess, the other day from someone who had emailed, and they were just saying, like, we are just caught in this terrible negative dynamic. We're both in bad moods all the time. And then we just have this real, like, intense conversation every day, almost sinister, just assuming the worst in each other. And it's like this person was like, I am just done. Like, I don't know what to do. And it really does. You know, it's kind of like the grooves in our brain, they say, like, you know, the habits become a literal groove in our brain in that way. Communication's kind of that way too. It's become your habit and how you communicate. So it's gonna take that intentionality of bringing yourself out of it. So catch yourself and say, like, I am so sorry I'm taking this out on you. I'm gonna say that again. I'm gonna say that in a more respectful way. Or, you know, if it's your spouse and they're just on a rant again, try that tactic where you're like, listen, what happened today? You know what? Tell me what really happened. Because I feel like you're really upset and that you're kind of taking it out on me. And I know that's not what you wanna do. So tell me what really happened. I think another thing you have to do is you have to remind yourself, remind your spouse who they are. Because so many times when we're in a tizzy and we're acting a certain way, you know, we need to be reminded who we are. And sometimes it's like. What I mean by this is like, you go to your spouse and you say, listen, this is not like you. You are not one who takes out stuff on other people. So what's really happening, you know, you're. You're the rock of our family. Like, you're the one who champions for us. And I can tell, like, something's really bothering you or, you know, what's wrong. Like, you usually are excited to go to work, so what's wrong, you know, or you're so good at this. You're so effective at that. Like, you know, reminding them who they are and even who they are in the Lord, you know, God has good things for you, and you are a child of God. You are not a failure. You know, a lot of times feeling like a failure can just make us take everything out on our spouse because it has nothing to do with our spouse. But we feel like we're failing maybe in life in some way, and we can just kind of take it out on our spouse. And so you have to remind your spouse who they are and you have such a unique position as their spouse to bring out those things and to remind them who they are and build them up. Because so many times, you know, I know we've all heard this age old kind of sentence that people say whenever somebody's mad, you know, the whole thing hurt people, hurt people. And it's the truth. Because when we're hurt, we wanna make others hurt. And you know, when you're married, the closest person in proximity is your spouse. And we don't maybe go out of our way to intentionally hurt them, but what we do is we're hurting. And so we're like, I want everybody else to pay. You know, like, I'm just, I'm gonna unleash, like Dave said, I'm gonna treat everybody else, you know, these perfect strangers, fine, but I'm gonna unleash at home because I'm hurting and I'm mad and I just wanna let it out. And so when you remind your spouse who they are and that this is not like you would, like, this isn't who you are, you wouldn't want your family to be scared, you wouldn't want your family to be upset and to feel like you're just angry at us all the time. So what's really going on that's really disarming. I also think too, and this is something Dave and I, you know, practice all the time is know those things that kind of help your spouse process. Like for Dave, he going on a run is like definitely pouring water on a fire. Like, if he's just in kind of a just bad mood of that day, I'm like, hey, I got the kids. Why don't you go for a run? And it could be at a time that's like completely not his normal time. But if I know I can see that he's kind of just in a negative spiral, that run tends to help him.

Yeah. Yeah, it does. Or sex.

Or sex. Oh, yeah, definitely. You know what, why don't we just go take a few minutes?

I'm like you have never been more beautiful than you are right this second. Look for ways to disarm. Disarm each other and be your spouse's biggest cheerleader, not their biggest critic. You have the opportunity to be one or the other. You can be their biggest encourager. You can celebrate the good, or you can be their biggest critic, always just pointing out the bad. And if you'll choose a positive response through your encouragement, that will help. Now, to the spouse who's caught up in the negative cycle, you've got to get a hold of your frustrations before they explode. You have a personal responsibility to not be a slave to your emotions. And sometimes you just feel, I can't help the way that I feel. But the truth is you can in more ways than you realize now. The feeling you're feeling right that second, you might not be able to change that in the moment, but what you can do, and the Bible gives a lot of insight about this, through your words, through your thoughts, and through your actions, you can create a culture within your home and within your heart where that anger can't take root anymore. Few verses, Romans chapter 12, verse 2, which says, Don't. Don't be caught up in the world's way of doing things. I'm paraphrasing here, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. And that renewing of your mind is letting God's Word be what takes root in your heart. If you start off every day putting some of God's Word in your heart, have a little quiet time, a little meditation on God's word. Talk to him. Ask him to help you choose the right attitude that day. That five or 10 minutes at the start of the day could do wonders to help set your heart in the right place all day. You know, Philippians 4, 8 talks about focusing your thoughts on those things which are true and good and beautiful and excellent and worthy of praise. You can choose to focus on the positive. That doesn't mean you're blind to the negative. That doesn't mean you have to put your head in the sand and pretend like problems don't exist or that the struggles in life don't have to be dealt with. But it just means that your default mode is to always go back to gratitude, to thanking God for the good in your life, to look at your family for the gift that they are and not as a burden. And to just be thankful and just choosing to be thankful, to choosing joy, choosing the right mindset. It will more often than not help you let go of some of that frustration before it takes root as bitterness and just puts you in a mindset where you feel like you can't escape. Right?

And I think, too, and Dave's kind of alluded to this, I think this is where prayer plays an essential part, because, you know, prayer's our lifeline. And like Dave said at the beginning, you know, all of us are going to have times where we're mad and where we're maybe kind of flying off the handle even. We all are human. We're gonna have those moments. But staying rooted in prayer, rooted in the word is really gonna give us a baseline of wisdom. And that's what we need. We need wisdom because we are human. We have emotions. But when we are prayed up, when we ask God, you know, God, help me to have more patience with my family, with my spouse. Help me to see things the way that you see things. Help me to see the blessings in my life and just be thankful, too, for your family, like in prayer and with your spouse. I know we talk about this a lot, but pray with your spouse, it really changes the entire kind of feel of the room, and it can calm you. It may not change your situation, but it will calm you. And especially when it comes to marriage, if you're in a really negative dynamic with your spouse, if you feel like your communication tends to be kind of hurtful, maybe even. Maybe you're not fighting, but you're having this kind of weird, passive aggressive kind of dynamic, which is just really toxic, I encourage you all to start praying daily, together, out loud. And I promise you it completely will change how you see your spouse. It may not change anything at all about whatever situation is stressing you out, but it will change the way you see your spouse, because God will soften your heart, and it will also put your heart in a posture where you are both surrendered to him. And you guys, like we talk about all the time here on the Naked Marriage podcast. God has to be the foundation of our marriages, because marriage is hard and life is hard. And just when you think, oh, I've got this, life throws something else at you that you just never saw coming. And that's just how things go. And we're in an imperfect world with tough things. And so we're gonna have times we're disappointed, we're gonna have times we're stressed, and we're angry and sad and just everything in between. So we've got to lean on the God who created us, the God who created marriage, and not look at our spouse as the reason for Everything going wrong. But to really look at our spouse as the partner that God has given.

Us, that is beautiful. That's the mic drop moment right there. These mics are expensive, though, so don't drop it. But that's good stuff. Well, guys, I think that's a perfect segue into today's question of the day. And if you've been listening for any length of time, you know that we end every podcast by answering a real question that you send in. And we're so thankful for these questions. It helps us shape entire episodes. It helps us shape topics like the one we talked about today because you've written us on Facebook or on Instagram or you've emailed us. And if you don't follow us at Dave and Ashley Willis on Instagram or follow us on Facebook at the marriage page, then start doing that. We would love to hear from you and join you in those online communities, but the questions we answer live on air, so to speak, here on the podcast are the ones that get sent to nakedmarriagepodcast.com so if you'd like an answer, or rather if you'd like a question answered on the air, then go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com that's right. And we will check them out. And here's one we're going to answer today, my love. Would you like to read?

All right. And by the way, guys, we do not look at these beforehand. This is all just like, off the cuff here. Off the cuff. Okay, so if you. If you're like, she sounds like she's just reading this for the first time. I am. All right, here we go. I love your podcast and learn so many great tips every week. I have an issue that I'm dealing with, and I just don't know what to do. Hoping you guys can share some wisdom and tips. My husband has a coworker who is also married that has been flirty with him for a while. It got to the point that he made it known to her superiors, but everyone just said, quote, that's just the way she is with everyone. So he and I both brushed it off. Then recently, she came to him and told him that she, quote, cared for him more than she should. He asked her if she could still be professional and do her job, and she said she could. A few more weeks went by and she told him, quote, it is just too hard. I need to look for a different job. She is currently still working there, and there is no current sign suggesting that she will actually be changing jobs and at my husband's request, I have not gotten involved at all. But I'm sick about it and obsessive about what goes on while they are at work. I am pretty certain that no one else in the office or her husband knows what is going on. My husband just says to trust him, and I do. He is a godly man who has always been faithful. But I can't shake the uneasiness that I have about this situation. Do you have any advice to ease my mind? Wow. I mean, that's. I mean, definitely something to be writing about and to be concerned about. And this is not the first time we have. Have heard this dynamic or seen this dynamic or even worked with a couple in this dynamic. And so I'm glad she's writing and talking about this.

Yeah, and we talk about this a lot because unchecked, these kinds of workplace dynamics, or quote friends, that it can create boundaries that are crossed. So many. So many marriages are wounded, sometimes irreparably, because people don't have boundaries in place and they just kind of fall into it. They start sharing feelings with each other. They start going to lunch with that co worker, the opposite sex. They start a friendship that ends up turning into much more without boundaries in place. Now it sounds like your husband, though, is doing everything right just to celebrate him for a second. It sounds like you have an honorable, godly and faithful husband who's just out there in the world and someone has taken notice in an unhealthy, inappropriate way and kind of tried to, like, plant little seeds or to reach out in little ways to see if he might reciprocate those feelings. And that's what's going on here. She's not saying what's going on. She's not saying these things because, you know, she's trying to create boundaries. She's saying these things to see if he has any interest.

To see if he'll bite.

Right. To see if he'll. If he will bite. And he has not. And so I think he needs to keep doing what he is doing, which is just to be beyond reproach, to be completely honest and transparent with you about all this, to share concerns with his supervisors and hers. If any of this continues, and if it does continue, then I think a next step would be for her husband to be contacted as well. Like, listen, we need extra layers of accountability here. And there is a persistent, consistent habit of some inappropriate contact that's happening and some suggestive things that are being said. And we need all hands on deck if there's Any way that we can continue working in the same. The same company?

Absolutely. And I would even say, too, I think you need to maybe like, he needs to go back to the superiors and say, like, listen, I mean, this isn't sexual harassment, but it definitely is like an emotional harassment. I mean, she's kind of disrupting work by keeping on saying these things to him. And I feel like, you know, he has done everything in his power to kind of tell her to back off. And it's like she's not listening. She's just not paying attention to that. And again, like Dave said, it's like she's just trying to mess with him and to see if he'll respond in a different way to her same comments, I guess. And so, like, I would encourage him to go back to the superior and talk about how this is making work very distracting, not only to me at work, but for my family. And it's just not right. I've told her how I feel that she needs to not do this and that if she continues to feel this way, she needs to maybe get another job. Because, I mean, she's the one who keeps bringing this on. And I'm hoping that if you go a second time, if he goes a second time, that they would maybe do something or maybe sit down with her and say, like, you can't do this. You can't be making comments to married men and saying, you know, these. These emotional things.

So what would you say to the wife herself who's like, how do I process these feelings? You know, I feel uneasy about it all the time.

I totally get it. I mean, I think that she has every right to feel uneasy. I mean, there's a woman who's kind of trying to vamp her husband. I mean, it just is not. I mean, I would feel exactly the same way, but it sounds like your husband is taking the steps necessary. I agree with Dave that maybe it might be time to. To just get the husband involved. Because, I mean, she is. She's going out of her way to disrupt your family. And, you know, clearly her husband probably doesn't even know about this. And not to, like, that you want to hurt her family. Certainly not. But I mean, this is, you know, a wife to a husband who's trying to pique the interest of your husband. And so he might want to be involved in bringing an end to this. But I would tell you, you know, your husband has asked you to trust him, and it sounds like he's not giving you any reason not to trust him. And so I think if there comes a point where you're seeing correspondence on his cell phone with his lady or, you know, hearing whispers of some changed behavior with this lady, I mean, that's when maybe there needs to be some different steps taken on your part. But it sounds like right now he is doing all the things necessary for you to trust him. And so there's no reason to go, you know, for you to go to the work. Cause I'm afraid, too, with this woman sounds like she's pretty unpredictable, too, and pretty brazen. So we wouldn't want there to be any kind of situation that. Where she could, I don't know, make things worse.

Yeah. And just communicate as much as you can. If he has the option to call you through the day to check in with you, then that that's going to help your peace of mind a lot. And I think that's good advice for anybody. The different times that, I mean, right now, I'm super attracted to someone at work. Thankfully. Thankfully, I work with my wife. But there have been different times where we didn't work together. And in those settings, I made it a point and Ashley made it a point that we would check in with each other through the day. Oh, yeah, Every day. You know, to the point of, you know, had one co worker say, well, it just seems weird that you guys talk so much. And I'm like, I look at what. What people consider a normal marriage, and I would rather have a weird one, because normal isn't working. I want a marriage where we're connected all day, every day, as much as we can be. And I think that would make a big difference in your situation.

And I would say this, too. Just I want to add this. When your husband goes to the supervisor, just ask if there's any way that he would not have to have any contact, email or in person or otherwise with this woman, because she's clearly made it. She's made it very clear that she can't really be trusted. She keeps on going back and forth, making these emotional claims that are just making it hard to work with her.

Yeah, that's really good advice. Thank you for the question. Thank you guys, again, for those of you who subscribe to this podcast, thank you just for listening, for taking your time to invest in your marriage. I think it's always a valuable investment when we're doing something to be build a stronger marriage. And when you share this podcast or leave a review on itunes or Google Play or Spotify, wherever you're listening right now, it helps others discover it. And so if you're getting any value out of this content, please help others discover it. Because together, together, we become partners in getting this message all over the world and building stronger marriages and families together. And we just want to say thank you for your partnership in that.

That's right. We will see you guys next time.

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