Healthy Hobbies

Hey, friends, welcome to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast, we address the truth about sex, intimacy, and lifelong love. We've got a great episode for you today talking about hobbies in marriage, which can be a really, really great thing, a way to help you beat your best. But they can also, when they get out of balance, be something that can cause friction and division in the marriage. And so we're going to have a conversation about it. But first, my brilliant and beautiful bride is going to read a recent review. And we want to thank you guys for leaving reviews wherever you leave them on, on iTunes, on YouTube, wherever you're listening to this, when you leave reviews. It helps others discover this podcast and it really, really encourages us as well. So, sweetie, why don't you read one for us? Yes.

Thank you to all of you who are leaving reviews. So today's it says it's entitled Major Marriage Blessing from Lexu. And it says, I've been listening to this podcast for a while now, and I've not only listened to them all, but I'm also re list. Podcast has helped build a healthy foundation for me and my fiance and provides biblical truths about marriage. Thank you guys for this resource. I love looking forward to a new episode every week. Well, congratulations on your engagement and your upcoming wedding. Lexu, thank you so much for leaving that review. And I love hearing from engaged couples who are listening to this. I think you're ahead of the game. I wish we had podcasts to listen to.

Twenty years ago, olden days, we just had, like, clay tablets we had to read back then. I know, but no, I think it's a great way to get started. And we're honored to be part of your journey as you kind of create a foundation. Foundation for your life together.

That's right. But before we get into today's topic, which I'm so excited about, we want to tell you more about this new resource.

All right, listen up. Nacho chips, Quiet down. Crispy potatoes. This is the moment Velveeta's been preparing you for, and you're not about to crack under pressure. Today's the day to go all in on the drip. Velveeta's heat and eat queso is the MVP of any game day spread. So stick by them and you'll be golden. Now get out there and make delicious history. No tailgate party is complete without Velveeta. You know, I'm excited about this topic for a lot of reasons. Number one, it's kind of falling. If you're listening to it live right sort of at the start of summertime. And I know that with COVID 19 and social distancing, seasons all kind of run together in different ways anyway. But summer is always a time of, of a little bit more free time and hopefully a time when we can get out and we can do some new things and we can connect in new ways. And hobbies can be an important part of that. And we get a lot of questions here about hobbies and how a hobby can be a good thing to bring you and your spouse closer together, or a good thing as an individual to go out and recharge so you can come back and be a better spouse. But how also on the flip side of that, hobbies can potentially, when they get out of balance, like all things, when they get out of balance and be a negative, when a hobby is taking you away consistently from your spouse and your family, and it becomes this escape that you go to, perhaps too much. And when that happens, it can create friction. So we're going to just have a conversation about hobbies, the good parts, some of the, maybe the potential dangerous parts, how to look for a good one, some of the ways it can help you recharge you and bring you together as a couple. So I'm excited to dive in and maybe as part of the conversation, we'll get a new hobby out of this. We'll get a new idea.

I know, yeah, hobbies are a good thing. And I think especially, you know, we've talked a lot in previous podcasts about, about embracing your spouse's hobby. And if you can, you know, just kind of going out of your comfort zone and kind of entering into their hobby with them and how you can share that hobby together. But there are, are also times when it's totally fine to have your own personal hobbies. And, and there's nothing wrong with needing a little time to yourself. You know, some hobbies are by yourself, you know, like scrapbooking or things like that. Other hobbies are with friends. And you're, you know, you have kind of a group of friends that also embraces the same hobby that you have. And whether it's a sport or any kind of activity that you just enjoy, or maybe you have this similar interest. And, you know, I even know a lot of churches are doing small groups around hobbies, like hobby driven small groups, which are really cool. So not only are you embracing, you know, a hobby with another group of people who like that same hobby, but you're also growing in the Lord at the same time. And so it is a good thing. I think where it gets us in trouble in marriage is if we end up giving too much of our time, attention and efforts towards that hobby and we lose sight of the priority that our marriage needs to take in our life.

Yeah, and that's. That's really the. You said it so brilliantly, my love. I think that is. Is kind of where we need to take a step back, because a good thing done out of balance can become a bad thing in any part of our life. You know, food is a very good thing, and if it gets out of balance. Yeah, and it's one of mine for sure. But, you know, if you're just, you know, eating all day, obviously that's gonna have some real side effects for a lot of different reasons. And a hobby can be like that. You know, you might be a guy that enjoys fishing, and that's great. Hey, that was one of Jesus hobbies. That's a good one. Right? So you get outside, you get into nature. It's a great way to just recharge your soul and to unplug from phones and all that st stuff. And that can be. That can be a good thing. But I think at the same time, when you're. You're escaping every chance you can to go sit in a deer stand or to go out on the. On the lake and go fishing, or to be outside at the expense of your family, where you're giving your family your leftovers and you're just living for that next time that you can get away from them, that's. That's going to cause some. Some real hurt in them because they're going to think, man, you care about, you know, a fish or a deer more than you care about, you know, me, your spouse. So we need to make sure that we're giving our spouse the best of ourselves and that the hobby is something that we enjoy, that can recharge us, but that we together as a couple are determining what's a healthy balance here. Look like, you know, what's the right amount to help you be at your best and to help you get what you know, you need, but at the same time, to make sure that we're always reserving the best of ourselves and for each other and for our family, and we're sharing experiences together as much as we can. And with that being said, like Ashley said at the beginning, there are going to be sometimes your spouse has a hobby or an interest that you have absolutely no interest in. And here, this is so important. Do not belittle them for liking something that you don't like, or do not undermine something that's important to them. Like, I just don't know why anybody would be into sports, or I don't know why anybody would be into that. Because what you're saying to them really is you're wrong. You're different than me in this, and so you must be wrong. And that feels like a personal attack. You're saying that there's something wrong with me, the way that I'm wired, the things that I like doing. And so find ways to celebrate what your spouse likes, even if you don't get it. You know, even if you don't personally enjoy doing it. Say, I'm glad that you're into that. I think it's great, but let's just keep it in balance.

Yeah, there's definitely been many hobbies over the year that I'm sure Dave is like, I totally don't get it, but I support you in it. And like, one that was so good for me, it was when we first moved away from kind of our hometown in Kentucky. We moved to Georgia, and we'd never moved away, or at least I had never really moved away from my home state. And, you know, it's hard to make friends. And I remember I had actually the pastor's daughter, Sarah, if you're listening, talking about you. She said, hey, Ashley, I heard that you took dance for so many years. And she said, we just so happen to have this dance team at church. And for those of you listening, maybe your church didn't have a dance team. Mine didn't growing up either. And so I was like, what is this? Like, what exactly does this entail? And so she said, just come to one of our meetings, and it'd be a great way for you to meet people. And so I was thinking, I need to make friends. And I do love dancing. Like, dancing is one of my passions. And I hadn't done it in a while. And I thought, hey, you know what could it hurt to just check this out? And I went there and it was amazing. And I came home from that first meeting, and Dave says I was glowing. Cause I was just so excited to be with people, like minded, people who love the Lord, but who also love dance. And we all dance together. And what we would do is we would sometimes perform, you know, at a church service here and there. There was even one time I went to, like, a local festival and performed in downtown Augusta, Georgia. And it was just. I look back on those years of the dance team as just treasured years and it was, it was something for me personally that I needed because I didn't even realize how much I was missing that hobby. Like I was really missing dancing because it's something that I've enjoyed since I was 2 years old. And I'm so thankful that Dave supported me in that, you know, he could have really been like, you know, we have kids, like, who are you to go take this time to go get with the dance team, you know, a couple times a week for like an hour. You know, he could have made me feel bad about it, but he always encouraged me to go because sometimes I would make excuses. I'd be like, I don't know, I don't know. The kids, they seem to be a little fussy tonight. Maybe I shouldn't go. And he would always say, listen, this is good for you. This is your way to kind of blow off some steam, to connect with other like minded people and to form better friendships. And even it's a form of worship. The way that we were dancing, it was a form of worship. And you know, it was just such an awesome time. And so I'm so thankful that Dave did that for me. And in the same way, you know, I try to support him and his hobbies. And this is something that we've learned through the years, you know, Definitely. But it is something when it comes to hobbies, you have to check with your spouse and make sure that the time commitment is okay. And it really is all about balance. And if the balance is ever tipping more, you know, towards your hobbies, like you're spending way more time investing in those hobbies, whether you're there with the people or not. But like, it's consuming your thoughts, your time, your energy, your money, that's going to be a problem. But if you're, you know, still prioritizing your marriage and your spouse is totally okay with the commitment that you, that you give this hobby, then I think it's a good thing.

Yes. Because hobbies can help you feel refreshed and recharged. And the real key here is you need to love your spouse enough to say, I want you to pursue anything and everything that's going help you be at your best. Because that's love, you know, that's service. It's like, you know, I want to serve you by watching the kids, you know, right now. And I want to serve you by sacrificing, you know, this time that we could have together. Because I know that by you going and doing this and maybe investing in those friendships and investing in that hobby, you're going to come back better. You're going to come back, you know, a better person. And so sometimes it could be even, you know, once a year, one of you going on a girls trip or a guy's trip, you know, and. And planning ahead for that. I know that requires sacrifice and extra planning and one person holding down the fort. But if you're going with the group of people that are going to help you come back better, then it's worth it. It's worth investing in those relationships. Now, when you're getting away and you're going off and you're doing kind of reckless things or sinful things, and you're going to come back and be kind of a worse version of yourself, that's where it's really, really dangerous and where there can be a lot of friction caused for it. But if the two of you together will give each other that kind of freedom to say, listen again. We want to make sure that we're giving each other, our family, the best of ourselves. But to help you be at your best, I want to support you in whatever that is. And Ashley's done that for me, you know, so many times. She, you know, she held down the fort for a trip several years ago where I had the opportunity to travel to Israel, which is something I'd always wanted to do, and we're planning to go together at some point. But she. The opportunity came and she said, you've always wanted to do this. You go and let this be a gift for me to you that I'll hold down the fort this time. So we had a young one, and she wasn't comfortable with both of us going yet. I understand that. And so that was several years ago in a really rare, unique opportunity. But I'm so thankful for that experience, and I can't wait to go back and share that experience with her. But she wanted to give me that gift. And there have been times I've done the same thing for her where I've said, go off and visit that friend. Go off and, you know, go on that shopping trip with. With the girls. And let's celebrate the fact that, that, you know, we have friends that we're able to do that with. Let's just make sure this doesn't get out of balance. And so when we're supporting each other in that way, it's. It's so refreshing. You know what? There was a time I was training for a marathon and I was out having to to run with the running partner a lot. My buddy, buddy Josh, who whipped me into shape. This. This Marine who's in way better shape than I am, and I was just trying to keep up with him. And during that season, it took me away from home more than usual, but it was a goal that I had, and it was something that I really wanted to work toward. And Ashley was so supportive during that season. And it was there on the day of the race as well. And that meant so much to me. That's not an all the time kind of thing. In fact, I'll probably never do it again. It hurt really bad, but I'm just so thankful that she supported me in that. And I want to do the same things for her. And so a lot of this does come come back to helping each other be at your best, but then also making sure that these things remain in balance.

Exactly. And I want to say this, too. I have this passion also for decorating and designing. I've mentioned that on here before. I used to actually do it professionally, and I love it. So when I. Since I haven't been doing it professionally, one of the things that I do that kind of fills that tank, that little design tank that I do have and lets me kind of enjoy that part of me in my interests is going to these tour of homes. Okay. And so when I lived in Georgia, I did this. I had a group of friends that I'd go with. Michelle, if you're listening, you know that too. And so we'd always go. Every year we'd go to the Augusta, you know, the tour of homes. And it was awesome. And we'd enjoy that, and we'd have lunch together and we tour all these beautiful homes. Well, here in Texas, I have some friends who also enjoy tour of homes. And I went this year with my friends Stephanie and Angelia, and I had so much fun. Well, we actually considered the second year of U.S. living here to involve our husbands. We had this great idea. We were like, oh, maybe our husbands want to go. And so we went to them and they were like, you know, maybe that's.

More of a girl thing. You girls have fun.

I see guys on these tours, too. They might like it. But, you know, my point that I want to make here is don't get offended. They are like, you know what? I'd rather stab myself in the face than spend five hours going and touring these races.

But at the same time, guys, be willing to try some things, you know, because you might discover something new and you might share a new Experience with your spouse. And there have been a lot of times where the two of us have said, no, why don't you go and let that be a girls thing or a guy's thing. But then there have been other times, whether it's Ashley coming to sporting events with me when she cared nothing about.

It, which I actually like.

That ended up having a lot of fun, and me doing some similar things with Ashley where I'm like, I just don't know if this is gonna be my thing. But ended up having a lot of fun because we shared it together. And so don't always just instantly say, no, no, that's not my thing. Try it out. Like, just enjoy the experience together. The more shared experiences you can have, the better. I think that's great. And coming back real quick to the balance thing, a great example of things kind of getting out of balance. Jimmy Evans, founder of Marriage Today, marriage guru extraordinary. We love Jimmy and Karen. He shares so much about his testimony early in his marriage, how golf nearly killed his marriage. Like, he was just obsessed with golf and, and he thought that Karen was being close minded when she would complain about him being gone all the time. Until he finally had that wake up call and realizing, like, golf has become a mistress to me. Like, I'm, I'm pursuing this even more than I'm pursuing myself. I'm being unfaithful to my wife by how much I'm pursuing this.

Right.

And he had to lay down those golf clubs for a while, not because golf is a sin, but because getting out of balance, it had become something that was sabotaging his marriage. And so he went through a season where he barely played at all. And he talks about how much that decision really helped his marriage. And now, you know, in a different season, his kids are grown, he can play more, and they have a better balance. But I just think that the way that he describes that is a good reminder for all of us that we've got to be mindful of the balance.

I actually want to share with you kind of some warning signs that your hobbies are hurting your marriage. And so, number one, you don't tell your spouse the whole truth about the amount of time you are spending while doing your hobby.

Yeah, that's good.

And I would even say that this is, this can be money related too. Like you're kind of trying to be secretive about buying the new gear that you need for the hobby or whatever that is. All right, Number two, it says you'd rather be doing your hobby than spending time with Your spouse. And we just talked about that a little bit. Like, where you're escaping, like, maybe your marriage is going through a hard time, and you have. You're kind of running to this hobby as a form of escape. That's not gonna help your marriage. That's avoidance. We talk a lot about how avoidance doesn't solve anything, and so that's ultimately gonna hurt your marriage. Number three, your hobby friends don't know your spouse, or maybe even don't even know you're married. Like, maybe you never talk about your spouse. Maybe you take your wedding ring off. You act like your marriage doesn't even exist. That is a red flag. Like, that is a red flag. We actually have a whole podcast on whether or not you're acting married in public. You know, how you're married, but you kind of act like you're not married, how that's a huge problem. So if you're wondering more about this, you can go back and listen to that podcast. Number four, you spend more time engaging in your hobby than you do engaging with your spouse and family. And again, this is that balance part where, you know, here you are engaging with all of these hobby friends and having a blast and planning. You know, there's a lot of planning that goes into a lot of these hobbies, like these golf, golf trips, fishing trips, you know, whatever it is. I mean, there's a lot of planning that goes into that. And if you're putting all your time and effort into this plan, and then you're getting there and spending all those hours there, and then you come home to your family, and you're just kind of avoiding everybody and being really rude to everybody, that's very unhealthy. And that balance is way off. And so that's a huge red flag. Number five, it says you share more of your thoughts and feelings with your hobby friends than you do with your spouse. And we talk a lot about this, how, you know, our spouse is supposed to be our best friend, and this doesn't mean we can't have other close friends that are same gender and that we can't, you know, talk to them openly about things. But if you are having these heartfelt conversations with your hobby friends where you're just opening up and you're really letting them enter into your life, and then you go home and you're barely telling your spouse anything, and when they ask you about your day, you just kind of blow them off. That's not healthy. That's not healthy. And so we really need to make sure, again, that we are giving our best attention, our best time and our best energy to our spouse and not to our hobbies. Our spouse deserves that time and energy. You know, they are the partner that we said that we would spend the rest of our life with, that we would forsake all others and sometimes forsaking all others. It's not a person that you're forsaking. It's that hobby. It has become kind of an idol in your life, and it's not meant to be. And so we need to make sure our marriage takes first priority.

Man, that's good stuff. That list is so good. I think some of you guys might benefit to just hit the little rewind skip back button on the podcast and listen to that list again and take an inventory. I think all of us benefit in life and in marriage by taking an inventory regularly of our life. What's working, what's not, what habits do we need to keep? What habits do we need to change and really be honest with each other and asking each other, like, hey, listen, what parts of my life or our schedule would it be benefit if we changed? Where do we need to spend more time? Where do we need to spend less time? What are the things that are helping us be at our best? What are the things that are potentially hindering us? What are the things that we're paying too high a cost potentially to keep pursuing? And those are important conversations to have. And when you have them, don't get defensive. But at the same time, you have to both be really, really honest in just a second. We're about to do today's question. I love that we do a question and answer at the end of these and thank you. For those who send them in, you can submit questions to nakedmarriagepodcast.com or also on social media. We appreciate those of you who follow us on social media and write us there. The questions we get on social media, we try to actually respond to those. Not all the ones that get sent to the podcast get read on the air, but. But most of the questions that get sent to us on Facebook or on Instagram. Aveandashleywillis. We do our best to respond to those. So you can search for us just the word marriage on Facebook and our marriage page will pop up. Or Dave and Ashley Willis on Facebook or on Instagram. All right, so today's question, my love, would you like to read? I love hearing you, listening to you read.

Oh, you're so silly.

It's so soothing. It's so soothing. And hey, if You. If you like Ashley's voice as much as I do, and maybe audiobooks or are a hobby of yours, you can get the Naked Marriage audiobook, which is both of us, but her especially her voice is nicer than mine. And her new book, Peace Pirates, about having peace in the home, which is an amazing book as well, because I could listen to you read all day.

You're so silly.

Well, it's true.

Well, I'm glad you like hearing my voice because you hear it an awful lot. All right, here is the question for today. It says, my husband is a very social person and his time playing video games with his friends and is very important to him. A lot of the time I feel neglected. Like his second choice next to his time online because it is so important to him. He has a hard time understanding why there is a need for him to choose me over the games because we are married. What should I say to him to explain the way him playing games makes me feel without making him feel like I am attacking him or trying to make him choose? That's a really good question.

Yeah, that's. That's a really, really, really good one. And, you know, our. Our boys are way, way into video games.

That's how they connect with their friends primarily. It really is.

It is. It's. It's the way they interact. It's kind of like. It's. It's their outlet. It's the. It's the way that they. They develop a lot of friendships, you know, when they're playing these live online, interactive games. But at the same time, like, I. I do kind of worry about as they get older, that getting out of balance, especially when right now, like, they're too young to. To be dating and be thinking about marriage. But they've gotta know that, look, when you have a wife that comes into the picture, like, this habit is gonna have to change. And a lot of guys, video games are that thing. And for a lot of wives in particular, we get messages like this that say, this is way out of balance. And I just feel like, if I'm real honest, I feel like this is lame. First of all, that he's playing video games. And number two, I feel like it's just wrong that he's spending so much time in it. A great conversation that I'd encourage you to go back to listen to is Brent Evans, the president of XO Marriage today. And then our friend Tim Ross, who's a pastor and one of our speakers at xo, Just a great guy. Both of those guys, Tim Especially enjoy playing video games. And for Tim, it's like his biggest hobby. And he talks really honestly about how he and his wife have to navigate that, where he makes sure that it's done in a way that's honoring to her. And that was on the XO podcast. If you go back and listen to that conversation between Brent Evans and Tim Ross on the XO podcast from, I think, about a year ago, it's really insightful coming from two guys who want to put their marriage first, but who are also.

They love video games.

Yeah. Yeah. And I think that the insights they share in that are really helpful and healthy. Right.

And, you know, just to say, I know a lot of us women, we can't. You know, sometimes we don't understand the lore of video games. Some of you girls listening are like, no, I totally get it. I play with my husband. I play with my kids, and you love it, and that's awesome. I wish I could be more like you because I have a family that loves video games. But, you know, I have seen. Cause Dave and I have had this conversation. I know it's not lame. It's just like any other hobby where people connect and there's strategy to it. And I think that, you know, it can be a fun way to connect with people, especially if you. If they're in a different place. Like, I know for our boys, a lot of their closest friends are in Georgia, but they're able to play video games with each other in real time and talk to each other, and they have all these little strategies, and it's really fun for them. And so it is not lame at all. I mean, it's an awesome hobby, and. But I do think, again, it comes down to balance. And I want to say this about video games in particular, too, is video games are a slippery slope, because some of these games can be kind of. Kind of a negative influence, you know, in the sense that they get almost, like, pornographic. They can be, you know, a little too violent, where it's kind of putting a lot of these negative influences in our mind, so we had to be careful with that as well and kind of watch that. But when it comes to this question in particular, I feel like this wife, you know, loves her husband, and she wants to support him in his hobby that he enjoys. But I think she's afraid that she's gonna come off as a nag, you know, is kind of what. Essentially what I heard her kind of saying in that. In that message. But I think that it's important to be so honest with each other and say, listen, I. I don't want to ever question, you know, the place that I hold in your heart. I don't want to ever question the priority that I am in your life. And for whatever reason right now, the way that you are obsessed with video games makes me question how much you actually love me. I mean, that's really what it is. I mean, I can kind of sense that from her words.

And guys, men, listen to me. When your wife ever, ever communicates something like that to you, how you respond is so huge. So if you respond defensively, angrily, if you blow it off, if you're sarcastic, if you just. If you undermine her feelings, then what you're doing is that you are undermining the very foundation of your marriage. Because what she is feeling about this issue is significant and very, very important to her. And it needs to be very, very important to you as well. And it should make you take pause and take a step back and say, wow, I had no idea that you felt that way. And let's talk about this, because I never intended this way. This is something I enjoyed. That, for me, kind of helps me blow off steam so that I can be at my best for you. And. But if you feel like this has gotten out of balance, let's talk about what balance here would look like in a way that you would be comfortable and together make those decisions. Any decision in marriage that's unilateral, where only one spouse is making the decision that's going to ultimately cause friction. But if every decision in marriage, if you can make it together, as a team, as a unit, then you're both going to feel empowered.

I just want to say this, too. Sometimes the compromise that works best for couples when it comes to a personal hobby is making sure that you do that hobby on your time. And what I mean by that is you're not making your spouse pay for kind of the time that you're spending with this, so they're not feeling ignored. They're not feeling like it's this huge choice you're making over them. So, you know, with video games, it can be a lot of different times of day. I mean, this doesn't have to be during the time when you could be spending with your wife. So I would say try to find a time. You know, try to help your husband find a time where this is something where it's not affecting you or the family and he can still have that connection with his friends that he's playing the video games with.

Yeah, absolutely. And so how. Just kind of getting down to brass tacks, how does she approach this with her husband? I think that if this is an issue in your marriage, if it's video games or if it's any kind of hobby where one of you feels out of balance, maybe you start by letting us start the conversation for you, by start going back to the beginning of this question or maybe even the beginning of this podcast and saying, hey, listen. I just. I listened to this podcast and I feel like it's kind of speaking to where we are. And I feel like, for me, that this has become an issue that I haven't known how to address in a healthy way. And I feel like this is causing friction. And my desire here is not to control you. It's not to limit you. It's to connect with you. And it is for us to have the healthiest marriage possible. And I feel like right now, this issue, both the way I'm feeling about this issue and honestly, the way that I believe maybe you've let it get out of balance with your time, is causing real unhealthy things in our marriage. And so let's talk about this. Let's listen together to this podcast, which is based on the experience collectively of a lot of different people. And let's find some healthy habits and some healthy ways forward.

I think that's great, you all. Thank you so much for listening. We love that we get to connect with you every week. And thank you to those of you who are supporting subscribing. And if you haven't subscribed and you love this podcast, please make sure you're subscribing and please leave us reviews. That's the best way. If you love this podcast and you want other people to know about it, please leave a review and just let people know why you love it. And as always, thank you for listening and we will see you next time.

Bye, guys.