Help, I Can't Initiate Sex // Hump Day Q&A

Foreign. You know what time it is, sweetie?

It's hump day. Q and A time.

Hump day, Q and A. Hump day Q and A.

Welcome to the Naked Marriage Podcast. Hump day Q and A. We love answering your questions. So every Wednesday we're dropping a special podcast episode focused on one of your questions. You can submit your own marriage related question online@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or by sending us a message on Instagram aveandashleywillis. We've got a great question today, so let's dive in.

My wife and I have been married for almost six years now, and we have a good marriage. We're both believers who saved ourselves for one another until we got married. Once we got married, I realized I never learned how to initiate sex. I thought it would be easy. We all know the stereotypes of men with a high sex drive pushing themselves on their wives. But our marriage isn't that way. If I sense a lack of desire in her, which is often, it feels selfish to initiate, so I don't. I daily strive to be selfless and sacrificial husband. And I simultaneously fear rejection. This cycle has us going down a road of our marriage lacking intimacy. What do I do? Great question. Very honest question.

Yeah, it's a hard place to be. Cause, you know, I can tell he's a very sensitive husband and a caring husband and that's awesome. And I commend him for that. I mean, that's a wonderful way to approach your wife. But I do think that this is an opportunity to really talk to your wife and say, listen, you know, be honest with her and say, I feel like there's a lack of desire here. And I understand, you know, like, maybe he's the one with a higher sex drive. It sounds like he is. And that's okay to have lopsided sex drives. We actually have a video all about that on YouTube that you can watch and we talk more about that. But, you know, that doesn't mean that you don't wanna feel like you're bothering her. I think that's kind of what he's saying is he feels like he's bothering her and there's just such a lack of desire and he doesn't wanna feel like he's forcing himself on her. And so how does he initiate with that? And I think it's, again, we always, always talk about this, that a great sex life doesn't start in the bedroom. It starts through conversations. It starts through opening up. And I think that just being really honest and Open with her not just about sex, but just about everything. And really connecting on a deep emotional level is a good place to start.

Yeah, always communication paves the way. And then you got to put yourself out there.

You do.

I mean, to go baseball terms, you miss 100% of the pitches you don't swing at. So you might strike out a few times, but you're going to make contact a few times too, if you know what I mean.

And I think too, women, women need a lot more foreplay. So like engage in more foreplay, you know, like really have a good makeout session and really see where it goes.

Yeah, you know, cuddle, look, give a.

Lot, rub her feet. She might, she might really give a.

Lot of non sexual touch throughout the day. Most women, studies have shown that most women desire that in ways that men do not. Because for men, like all touch can be sexual touch in marriage. But women appreciate a lot of non sexual touch. Holding hands, put your arm around her shoulder, you know, just tuck her head, hair behind her ear as you gently caress her face. And not instantly expect any of these things to lead to making out or lead to the bedroom, but just through your words and your actions, show that affection, that tenderness. And then be honest. Talk about like you just did with us. I hope that you've been as honest with her as you have with us. You were very honest in your question to express your vulnerability, your desire that you desire her sexually all the time. But some of the fear that's holding you back. I hope you've been that honest with her and in doing that at least you're, you know, you're putting your heart out there, you're being vulnerable, you're having that naked marriage that we talk about and continue to do those things and continue to just look for ways to serve her needs and connect with her physically, emotionally, spiritually, in every way. And know that early on, give yourself some grace here. That a couple early in their marriage, I think that we have this really unrealistic idea that you're gonna go from being, you know, a couple people with zero sexual experience to be like, you know, swinging from the rafters, doing these bizarre Kama sutra poses within like two days of being married. And it's gonna look like that all the time. There's just a process of awkwardness, frankly. I mean, it's still gonna be. Sex is still gonna be fun. Even when sex is awkward, it's fun. I mean, God, he knew what he was doing when he made it, but it's gonna be a process it's like when you're learning to dance with somebody. You step on each other's toes in the beginning, and you're still in the step on each other's toes phase. And that's just part of learning to dance. But you're gonna get better at it. But part of getting better means communicating. Like Ashley said, it means talking through these issues, sharing your heart, sharing your fear, sharing your desires, and then looking for ways to meet her needs and to help her. Help her with whatever inadequacy and fear she might be feeling and to really process that together and make your marriage the safest place on earth and make your marriage bed the safest place on earth for both of you to express yourselves.

And I would say, too, you know, definitely talk to her about what she likes and doesn't like. I mean, I know you're early in your marriage, but it'd be good to know. I mean, it might be that she doesn't like the particular thing that. That you're trying to do in foreplay. Like, maybe there's something else that you haven't tried that would. Would be more enticing for her and just be willing to talk about that. I also think, and this is something that couples don't talk about a lot, maybe you're trying to initiate at the wrong time of day when she's at her lowest energy level and romantic level. You know, you have to find that time of day that is, that is best really, for you both, ideally. But also if she's the one that just tends to have the lack of desire every time you. You are trying to initiate, maybe it's the time of day. Like, maybe try another time of day where she tends to have more energy. Thank you all so much for listening to today's episode of Hump Day Q and A. We love getting your questions, and we want to answer your question. So if you go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com, you can submit your question right there or you can follow us on Instagram avanashleywillis and you can give us your questions right there by giving us a dm. So we'll catch you next time on Hump Day Q and A.