How can we Rebuild Intimacy and Trust in our Marriage? // Hump Day Q&A

Foreign. You know what time it is sweetie?

It's Hump Day Q and A time.

Hump Day Q and A. Hump Day Q and A. Welcome to the Naked Marriage Podcast. Hump Day Q and A. We love answering your questions, so every Wednesday we're dropping a special podcast episode focused on one of your questions. You can submit your own marriage related question online@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or by sending us a message on Instagram aveandashleywillis. We've got a great question today, so let's dive in.

Black Friday Savings are here at the Home Depot, which means it's time to add new cordless power to your collection. Right now, when you buy a select battery kit from one of our top brands like Ryobi or Milwaukee, you'll get a select tool from that same brand for free. Click into one of our best deals of the season and stock up on tools for all your upcoming projects. Get Black Friday Savings happening now at the Home Depot. Limit one per transaction exclusion supply full eligible tool list in store and online.

Hey friends, welcome back to Hump Day Q and A. Dave and Ashley here. We're so glad you stopped by. As always, midweek we release an episode based on one of your questions and we've got a great question today. It's a little bit longer. We want to read the whole question to give the full context because this woman took the time to write it and I think reading the whole the whole question will kind of help us start the conversation and I think a lot of you will be able to relate to where she's coming from.

That's right. This is the question. Dave and Ashley I feel emotionally disconnected from my spouse and it's breaking my heart. It feels like we're just going through the motions, living as roommates rather than partners. We've been married for several years and while we still care deeply for each other, the spark and intimacy we once shared seems to have faded. Our conversations are often surface level and when we do try to discuss deeper issues, it feels like we're speaking different languages. I miss the days when we would stay up late talking with about our dreams and our fears and when a simple touch would convey so much love and understanding. Now there's a palpable distance between us and I'm scared that this gap will only widen if we don't address it. I'm committed to our marriage and truly believe in love, in the love we once shared. But I don't know how to break this wall that's grown between us, we both have busy lives, demanding jobs and responsibilities that often take precedence. But I fear that if we don't prioritize our emotional connection, we'll lose something precious. How can we begin to reconnect and strengthen our emotional bond in a way that feels genuine and lasting? Specifically, what steps can we take to rebuild the trust and intimacy that seem to have eroded over time? How can we ensure that our marriage becomes a source of joy and comfort rather than a source of stress and disappointment?

Yeah. That's so good. So honest.

So honest.

And, you know, we feel the. The heartache and the question. It's like, man, I miss my spouse. I miss the friendship. I miss the spark. Yeah, there's a grieving there. And in different seasons of marriage, I would say most couples have probably experienced some level of this.

Yeah.

To varying degrees. You know, on the extreme, there's just complete disconnect apathy that leads to ultimately to divorce most of the time. And then on the milder version, it's just, hey, we're in the busyness of life, and we've kind of gotten on autopilot, and we're not prioritizing each other. We're not connecting like we once did. I just feel like we're growing into different people, and we're not continuing to love and cherish and pursue the person our spouse is becoming, and they're not doing the same to us. And that's so hard because marriage takes intentionality every day. It's waking up every day with gratitude for your spouse saying, I love you. I choose you all over again. I'm so thankful for you. I want to be kind to you. I want to give you my best energy. And every day we don't do that, it's kind of like there's a deficit that grows.

Oh, yeah.

In our. In our relationship. And sometimes that deficit can get so big, it feels like the national debt clock that just spins out of control in the trillions. And you're like, man, we can never get back.

It's just overwhelming.

It feels overwhelming. But what you can do is start right where you are and start moving that clock. Clock back in the right direction. And so instead of it's negative, it's moving toward the positive. You're taking steps back toward each other, and don't get discouraged that you're not all the way to the top of the mountain yet. It's one step at a time.

It is baby steps. And I want to share three specific ways that you can do this. Number one, I would encourage you to find ways that you can have praise and gratitude directed towards your husband. I'm assuming, I think she said she's a wife. But it goes both ways. Like finding. Find ways in little ways and small ways to praise the behavior you want to see repeated. Like when your spouse is being intentional with you, is giving you attention, is listening well, is, you know, doing whatever it is that really fills your love tank. Praise that and also thank them for that. Like gratitude goes a long way. And I think we get in these kind of seasons and we get on autopilot in busy seasons of life and we forget to even thank for just the littlest thing. I mean, even like taking out the trash. You know, the other day I was busy, Dave went and picked up the kids from school. Like that really means a lot to me. Yeah, you're like, well he's their dad, he should be doing that anyway. And like, of course, me too. But the fact that I thank him goes a long way because it shows your spouse that I see you and I appreciate you. So that's number one. Number two, there's this concept in Dr. John Gottman's book Seven Principles to Making a Marriage Work. It's a great old faithful resource of just practical ways to literally make a marriage work. And there's this concept of turning towards each other as opposed to turning away from each other. And now this can be in a physical sense that you're engaged because when you're turning towards your spouse, it's showing that you're engaged, but really it's more of a heart posture. And they did all this research, Gottman and his wife did all this research on what are those things that not only make a marriage last, but make marriage enjoyable. And they found time and time again the couples who had been married the longest with thriving marriages, really in every part of their life and they considered their spouse. They, in their heart, in their, in their calendars, in every part of life, they turned towards their spouse, meaning they brought their spouse in to their day to day. Now I know you all have busy jobs, but it's like talking about your jobs, I mean, don't withhold what's really going on in your life and your mind and your heart and share that with each other, even if it's hard. And then go that, take that step further and say, you know, wow, like empathy, wow, that was, that is hard. I'm so sorry you're going through that. How can I help you? That's a way to turn towards your spouse and then even reach out of hand, so to speak. And like, how can I lift some of that load? So have a heart posture that is turning towards your spouse and not away from your spouse and separating different aspects of your life. Number three. This is so easy, yet it's the biggest thing I think couples forget about that could really revolutionize your marriage, and that is make sure you are prioritizing your marriage on your calendar. Because I, I think that when we find ourselves in this negative spiral in marriage of disconnection, we usually are not taking time to invest in each other. And you need to look at this from a daily standpoint, from a weekly standpoint, and from a monthly standpoint. So how do you check in daily? Is it 15 minutes at the end of the day? Is it, is it texting each other throughout the day? I was just talking to a sweet couple the other day and they send voice memos of prayers and verses to each other every morning. And so on their commute to work, they get excited to see what their spouse is going to send them that day. That's one little daily check in that fills their spirit. It connects them on a spiritual, intimate level. And it's just great. I mean, there's lots of ways to do this and just put the kids to bed early and have that time together. And it could be 10 or 15 minutes of totally, you know, your full focus time. But that goes a long way, I would say on a weekly basis. We love dates. You know, we love a date night or a day date. However you want to do it, make time for that. It doesn't have to be super long. Even an hour can go a long way. Just to know that you have that on the calendar and then monthly. I think you need more of, more of a business check in. And how are we doing financially, spiritually, sexually, and just, you know, in all aspects of our life emotionally. And so you're cultivating just that turning towards each other, that, that interweaving of your life.

And that's great advice. I think maybe if we were talking to this lady right now, she would say, I'm tracking, I want all of that. But my real issue is I can't get, I can't get my spouse here. I can't get my husband to join me in those things. And so do I just do them hoping he'll join me? Do I try to lead the. Is that, is that where we start?

It takes one person to start. I mean, that's the truth is I'll never forget it that we were at a retreat for pastors and their wives. And this one guy, he just. It was so simple. But he said, he just made that point. He said, you know, we all can find ourselves at this kind of stalemate where we're both just really tired, really just worn down, feeling disconnect. And he said, you know, or maybe even fighting, because sometimes it can. It sounded like there was some communication issues here too, because they're feeling disconnected. So there's just this automatic, like, negativity and they're not getting anywhere in their disagreements. And. And he was like, had us all raise our hand and he's like, repeat after me. I will be the first to stop the fighting. And basically he was making this point that, you know, we need to really pray and say, God, remove my pride. Help me to go first. Like, help me to go first. And it's not even about winning here. Like, winning is when we win together. Like, it's not a personal thing, but somebody's got to go first. And yes, she does not bear the responsibility that he has for also doing his part in this marriage, but she needs to do what she can do. And there is a lot. And all those three things that I listed, she can do now, whether or not he reciprocates, that's a hard one. But she can stand in the gap of her marriage right now. And even just like the praise and gratitude can show him. Wow. Especially as a man hearing that from his wife, that softens the heart so, so much more than anything else I can even think of.

Yeah, it really does. I mean, there. God wired us up that way. That a wife's praise and encouragement, man, it cuts right to the heart of his most. And. And in the rarest instances, it doesn't. Usually there's something going on in him.

Absolutely, yes.

That is completely independent of anything his wife is doing or not doing. It's. It's issue in him that needs to be resolved. There's a. There's a wound or a hardness of heart or something that, you know, pray for that help him to get the help he needs. Maybe talk to a counselor, let him know that you want to connect. Try to be tender in your tone, but also be. Be very specific in what you need and what you desire to let him know that, like what. What's going on right now. We both need better, we both deserve better. And I'm. I want to do whatever I can to meet you there. I value this marriage so much. I value you so much that I don't want us to settle for anything. Less than the absolute best God has for us.

And even just, I miss you. Yeah, I miss you.

Yeah, That's.

I miss our connection. Because here she poured and she probably has said this, but if she hasn't, I would just even come back to that. Like, listen, I'm not trying to guilt you into this. I'm not trying to just be controlling of your time.

That would get my attention fast.

Literally, just like, I miss you.

It's like, oh, my goodness, what am I doing to have gotten us to this place?

Yeah. And, like, how can I. Like, what can I do to help, you know, you in whatever it is that's making you feel, like, disconnected from me, like, what's my part in this? You know, is there something I'm doing? I mean, there's so many things we could talk about. But I want to say this, too. If you really find yourself in a. In a time where you're trying these things, but you just keep up coming empty, I would encourage you to reach out to our exomediators@exomarriage.com help. They are experts at getting you and your spouse out of being stuck. Like, they're. They're like grease to your wheels of your marriage. And you can do this just in one day or two days. They're amazing. Reach out and even. Just to get information, they'll. They can even have a call with you and you can see if this would be something you're interested in. You don't have to, you know, just sign up and pay right away. Just go ahead and inquire about it. I'm telling you, you will. You will not regret that.

You will not. Yeah. The mediators do an amazing job. And if you want to become a mediator, too, not just get the help, but be a helper. They also offer training. We've been.

We've done it.

We've been through both parts.

Mediators, we love it.

Yes. And it's amazing stuff. So check it out. And they. You don't have to figure this out on your own. It's the good news. So let this conversation be a start in the right direction if you're in a place where you feel stuck. But also let it maybe be an encouragement to take that big next step and reach out to a Christian counselor or one of our exo mediators and really get that. That help that you need that can make all the difference. Friends, thank you so much for tuning in. We love and appreciate you. Can't wait to see you next time.

Thank you. Thank you all so much for listening to today's episode of Hump Day Q and A. We love getting your questions and we want to answer your question. So if you go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com you can submit your question right there. Or you can follow us on Instagram avanashleywillis and you can give us your questions right there by giving us a dm. So we'll catch you next time on Hump Day Q and A.