How Do I Disarm My Spouse's Bad Mood // Hump Day Q&A

Foreign. You know what time it is, sweetie?

It's hump day. Q and A time.

Hump day.

Q and A. Hump day Q and A.

Welcome to the Naked Marriage Podcast. Hump day Q and A. We love answering your questions. So every Wednesday we're dropping a special podcast episode focused on one of your questions. You can submit your own marriage related question online@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or by sending us a message on Instagram aveandashleywillis. We've got a great question today, so let's dive in.

When your spouse has tendencies to get in moods that aren't so pleasant to be around, how can you disarm it when they have trouble connecting the dots between how they're really feeling and how they're truly acting? I think this is such a good question. And when Dave and I first read it, we kind of both laughed because we know how this is. Because we both, we both get in bad moods.

No, we don't.

Dave has a little, we call his bad mood Persona bmd Bad Mood Dave Alter ego.

Bad Mood Dave.

And mine is Bad ash. You are a s H Bad ash.

You can be a bad ash now. So I think everybody can slip into this. I mean, we all have moods sometimes for sure. And, you know, your home needs to be a safe place where you can express how you're feeling. You know, you can, you can express how you're feeling. But we also have to be self aware enough and conscientious enough to recognize that if we're bringing around a lot of negativity, that negativity is going to carry over to the ones that we love.

Yes.

And so if, if we are in a funk, you know, we might not, we might need to just say, listen, I'm, I'm in a funk and I need to go be by myself for a little while. And for you guys, as husband and wife, this is what it comes down to. You've got to figure out how to help each other be at their best. And if your spouse is processing things differently than you do, you have to respect them enough to say, listen, I want to help you be at your best. Because maybe when you know when your spouse is in a bad mood about something, you want to be insisting that we talk about it right then. Like, we're going to talk about this right now. You're acting like a child. We're going to talk about this and we're going to work through it. And that might be the last thing on earth that's going to Help actually bring peace and calm your spouse down. And, you know, Ashley, early in our marriage, as we were kind of learning each other, I guess, you know, I would get in a bad mood about just, you know, like, something stupid. And at first, like, she would kind of get offended that I was in a bad mood, and she would take it personally. And then she would start, like, arguing with me about me being in a bad mood or telling me how, you know, it was whatever I was feeling.

Why are you in a bad mood? Nothing bad happens.

Yeah, that's, you know, and I felt.

Like, I don't understand.

She's, like, undermining, and I felt disrespected. And then it made me more mad. And then it was like. Then she would want to engage and I would want to retreat because I didn't want to, like, say something I regretted. And so she would be offended that I would want to retreat. And we had to, like, work through all that. But as we grew, like, you know, Ashley very, like, wisely just recognizing, like, oh, okay, like, he's just in a moment.

He needs a moment.

He needs a moment. And instead of, like, trying to correct me in that moment, she would be so encouraging in that moment and just say, gosh, I'm sorry that you're feeling that way. I'm so sorry you're having a bad day. Is there any can do to help? And then she'll say, why don't you just take. Take some time, you know, go for a run. Go do this. And all of a sudden, as soon as she would say that, it was like, it would disarm me. And a lot of times it would just kind of instantly lift the funk I was in, and I would stop acting like a toddler. Or at the very least, I felt safe. I felt like this is a safe place where I can go and process why I'm feeling so frustrated, then come back and she's believing the best in me. She's not offended. She's not saying, oh, it's dumb that you're feeling that way. She's not undermining my feelings. She's creating a safe place where I know I'm loved and I know I'm respected and I know I'm safe. And just knowing that you're in that kind of safe place can really help you process emotions. But this question really is kind of taking it from a different angle. It's like, what about that spouse that isn't a funk a lot, but they're maybe blind to it.

They don't Even realize how they're coming off.

They don't know how they're coming across.

That was me.

Yeah, I've done that.

I'm gonna. Dave's trying to. He's kind of making himself look bad here. And it's not bad. He's really not in a bad mood that often. But I have certain times of day where I am more likely to be in a bad mood. And it happens to be the morning. I'm not a morning person at all.

And so Dave, we let Mommy sleep.

Dave will be like, you sleep just 20 minutes longer. It's okay.

I wanna get up and help. Like, no, seriously, just lay down.

Cause, well, a couple days ago, I don't know what I think I got up with Dave and was like. Cause he'll get. We have our youngest wakes up at the crack of dawn every day. And he comes in our room and he's like, dad, dad, dad, mom, dad, Mom, dad. And he wakes us up. And so Dave is more of a morning person. I wouldn't necessarily call you a morning person, but he'll get up with him. And I used to get up too, right at that same moment. But it really only takes one of us to get him his warm chocolate milk that he wants. And so when I get up, though, I'm in such, like, a funk of myself that I just am really kind of unpleasant to be around. And I have realized it over the years because I do. I catch myself and I'm, like, barking off orders at the kids. And I'm just not pleasant. And I'm, like, trying desperately to make coffee as fast as I can. And so it's just kind of funny. Cause it's ridiculous and I look like a toddler, like Dave was just describing. But he will give me that extra 20 minutes. And it's very sweet. And he's like, no, no, you need that extra 20 minutes. And you'll feel better for it and we'll all be better for it. But I also. In the middle of the day, like around 2, I just don't wanna talk to anyone. Now. That's not always possible. I've got stuff going on, but I literally glaze over. And I just need quiet.

And when possible.

And when possible. Which doesn't always happen, but sometimes, like, on the weekends, I'll probably take a nap on a Saturday at like, 2. And it's just. I feel bad for it because I wish I didn't need it because there's so much I could get done. But I just. Dave is like, sweetie, I love you. This is your rhythm. Like, this is the rhythm you need. And so he will just encourage me. He'll say, listen, I'm gonna go take the kids to the park and you just rest. And it's so sweet. And it doesn't. I don't even need that long. Like an hour will be like glorious for me. But the way Dave approaches it is he doesn't make me feel bad because, see, his best time of day is in the middle of the day when he's just, you know, going on all cylinders. He has all the energy in the world and he could get everything done. And he's wanting to engage. Whereas I, like, want to shut down and go hide in a cave somewhere and be away from people. Like, that's just my flow.

It doesn't respect each other's rhythm. And it's that simple.

And you don't make each other feel bad for it.

No. And don't make each other feel bad. They're wired differently than you, that they respond to things differently than you, that their best times of day are different than yours. Don't try to change each other. Embrace that. And one kind of very specific nugget of advice I would ask to try to, as directly as I can answer this person's question and is when your spouse is really upset, in that moment, is not the moment to try to correct them?

No.

In that moment, your main job is to encourage and to do what you can to disarm the situation and help them be at their best. Now, when it's a pattern the way you've described, wait for a moment of calm when both of you are clear headed, when both of you are kind of at your best, you're in a good mood, maybe like, you know, whenever that is, and just say, listen, are you okay? Because I've noticed. And again, be disarming, even in how you bring this up, not accusing like you're a jerk all the time, what the heck?

But bring it up, get it together.

And again, trust, assume the best in them and say, I've noticed that it seems like you're on edge a lot lately. You might not realize even how you're coming across, but you've consistently seemed like you're angry and frustrated. So how can I help with that? And what would help you be at your best? I just want to help you be at your best. And when you approach it that way, instead of, instead of in an accusing way, or even worse, like while they're upset, trying to, like show, you know, trying to fight right, then it's going to only escalate, and it's not gonna get any better. So try to be a peacemaker. Jesus said, blessed are the peacemakers. You know? Yeah. There are times when a person's attitude and actions, if it's just consistently reckless, you might have to, you know, be be a lot more intentional and maybe even blunt in how you approach it. But your first response should always be one of trying to promote peace.

Thank you all so much for listening to today's episode of Hannah Hump Day Q and A. We love getting your questions, and we want to answer your question. So if you go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com you can submit your question right there. Or you can follow us on Instagram avanashleywillis and you can give us your questions right there by giving us a dm. So we'll catch you next time on Hump Day Q and A.