How Do I Keep My Marriage Strong During Deployment? // Hump Day Q&A

Foreign. You know what time it is, sweetie?

It's hump day. Q and A time. Hump day, Q and A. Hump day, Q and A. Welcome to the Naked Marriage Podcast. Hump day Q and A. We love answering your questions. So every Wednesday, we're dropping a special podcast episode focused on one of your questions. You can submit your own marriage related question online@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or by sending us a message on Instagram aveandashleywillis. We've got a great question today, so let's dive in.

The question says this. How do I stay connected to my husband while he's deployed? We're having issues with trust, finances, and the feeling that we're falling out of love. He's around other men that don't honor their wives, and it's hard to see him in that environment while I feel alone in our marriage when what can I do? And deployment, I think, can be one of the most difficult aspects of marriage. And you have to be so intentional. We live in a military community right now. Like, there's a fort, a large fort right nearby. Many of our closest friends, even, you know, one of the couples in our small group is a military family who's had a deployment.

Our nanny.

Yeah, our nanny who helps, like when we travel for work to do these exo conferences. Her husband is on a deployment right now. As a doctor in the army, we just have such a heart for couples who are servants because it's really, it's not just the one service member who's serving the couple. It's the whole family that is feeling that sacrifice. And so our hearts and our prayers are with all of you who are in those kind of situations. And we've seen firsthand the strain this can put on a marriage and all these dynamics that you're describing. Every couple that has to experience not only deployment, but even times when work is putting you at different places. We've done a great episode fairly recently on a commuter marriage with Elaine and Abe Romero that you guys can look up. And they had some wonderful insights to help with that. And so as the next step in the conversation, I would point you there. But today we want to do our best to answer this question.

That's right. First of all, my heart goes out to this wife because again, so many of our close friends, I mean, this is the dynamic I will never forget. One of my dearest friends, I was. I won't say names just to protect identities here, but we were on a, you know, we, we were. We've always been friends, even before her husband went on deployment. But I remember specifically that he went on a deployment and she was just really struggling. And he was really struggling because a lot of times too, it can mess with you mentally when you go on deployments. And I remember in particular her husband started experiencing anxiety for the first time in his life. So not only is he far away from her, but he's having anxiety attacks. And I remember it was just weighing on her and he couldn't come home clearly. And it was just, it was just hard in the military too. There's, there's really a stigma for a lot of these people on, on having any kind of anxiety or depression because then there's a protocol that they don't necessarily want to go through. And so they want to keep their jobs and their, and their rank and all that kind of stuff. And I remember all of this pressure this couple was feeling and, and my friend, she was like, can you just go on some walks with me so I can process this? And I was like, well, absolutely. I mean, we'll, we're not military, but how we can help serve you and thank you is to just be there for whatever you need. Bring a meal, be a phone call away, go on a walk. And I remember we walked quite a bit during that time. I think he was deployed for like six months. And I tried to just be a listening ear mostly and just process it, but I just remember all the things that she would share with me, just how hard it is. I mean, and I told Dave, I said, I am such a wimp. Like the most you've been away from me is going to Israel for 10 days. And I really thought, gosh, when is Dave gonna get home? And then here's my friends, you know, with six months of this. And not only that, a lot of times their spouse is in a place that's dangerous, you know, and so then there's the fear of danger. And so, you know, I kind of have a little bit of an understanding of what the pressure that is around this. And so I think here, you know, with this particular question, this lady said there's trust issues, financial issues, which man finances. I mean, that adds a whole other layer, you know, for sure. And then feeling they're falling out of love. I think what needs to happen here and what we've seen work in our friends lives is making sure there is a regular check in times. Like for example, our nanny Kara. Shout out to Kara and Matt. They're amazing. They're amazing.

We love you guys.

We love you guys so much. I know that one thing they have done is she said, like, they're on completely different time, you know, schedules. I won't share where he is. Just out of. I think you're not supposed to do that. So. But he's across the world. Okay, we'll just say that. And so the timing is completely off. Like they're operating in different clocks, so to speak. And so they found a time where they would both be awake enough to have a good conversation. And they did that daily. And not only that, I think if they couldn't do FaceTime, they would just be on the phone. But I think they tried to do FaceTime. So they're literally seeing each other.

It's the very end of the day for her.

Exactly.

It's the very start of the day for him.

And she said it helps so much. And she said they both committed to never missing that if at all possible, that they would never miss that. And they made it a priority. And I'm thinking here for this lady who wrote in, I have a feeling that's probably not happening, because that's a way to build trust, is when you can unpack the day. And I remember her saying in this question, she said he's not basically in an environment where the people around him respect their spouses. So I hear her saying, like, maybe they don't have boundaries in place. Maybe there's flirtation going on or they're not talking nicely about their spouse. And so it's hard to not let that affect you.

From what I've heard. I think porn use is very rampant over there. And just that's never good for a marriage. Even when that's around, even when you're just in. You're not trying to protect yourself, but you're in an environment where that's just there everywhere. And you have to really safeguard your eyes and your thoughts with that. And then with the distance, I think your mind goes to the scariest places. You're imagining these worst case scenarios and thinking like, is my spouse? You know, are they being tempted? Are they making the wrong choices? And so it all comes back to communication. And I know that can be more difficult depending on, you know, the situation, that they might not have access to call you every day. But when that's possible, to really make consistent communication and reassurance and praying together and even doing things like listening to the Naked Marriage podcast. You know, we've heard from folks that, you know, they'll each listen to an episode every week and then they'll find a time to connect, just to talk about what they learned, and it sparks conversation. And they're both doing something, listening to the same content. And it doesn't have to be our podcast, even though we're very grateful when.

It is, but they're find something you both love.

Find something, you know, listening to a sermon together, watching something, or listening to something specifically to grow your faith and sharing in that experience, even from a distance, and then talking about it. This is what I learned or I thought about you in this moment when they said this. And when we get back, I want to try this new thing that they talked about that can help you guys because it's keeping you connected in the present, and then it's also helping you focus on shared dreams for the future. And that shared dream, those shared goals, those moments of connection, can do so much, even when there's physical distance between you to keep your hearts tethered together.

Absolutely. And I know here, you know, financial pressure is part of this. And I would say getting on a plan, I mean, just having a plan is one way to release, to relieve that pressure. And, you know, we've talked about this before. There's whole podcasts on this. But one thing I would recommend is maybe getting that app that's called EveryDollar. It's by Dave Ramsey and his team. And that is something you can do no matter where you are in the world. And that way you both see what's coming in and what's going out, and you don't have to point fingers. It's just an open book. So you're seeing it and it holds you both accountable because you know you're going to have to put that in the app. That's one way to kind of be on the same page with it, because financial pressure happens. It really has nothing to do with how little or how much you have. It has everything to do with being on the same page. And we've been there. Like, we know how this can mess with you As a married couple.

We have been so broke.

We have. Well, and also we've had a little. And then not known how to manage it properly. So it's, you know, it can affect you no matter how much money's in the bank. It really is about communication. It's a communication issue. It's about trusting each other with the finances and being totally open about what really is coming in and going out. And so I think that would be a good way to help her there. But this. This feeling like they're falling out of love. I think it's just important to share things like shared experiences. I know Dave talked about, you know, things that will grow your faith, but also simple things like laughing together. I mean, find a show like for us, if you were gone for any length of time, I would definitely like, let's, let's watch some of the office together and laugh together or let's watch one of our, some of our favorite funny movies together so we can share in that laughter and then joke about it later. Like those are things that blow off steam, that make us feel connected. You know, I think sometimes you have to be creative too. I mean, it's, it really. Again, I want to encourage you to go to commuter marriage on Instagram. They have great ideas about long distance dates, you know, and being creative that way. I know if they're in a war torn land, it can be a little hard to be super creative, but you know, because of all the pressure that comes with that. But I think that if you can look forward to it and you have, you have these days, these times when you know you're going to come together, it gets you through those hard moments and you get excited about it because you need things to look forward to, not just that date when he or she comes back from the deployment because that can seem so far away, but have little things to look forward to on the calendar in between. I think that would really help. And also I want to say this. I've heard from so many couples, not just Matt and Kara, but several other of our friends, where when they come back from a deployment, they have a trip planned right away where they're going to get away together. And from what I understand exactly, from what I understand about the military, they give you a little time with your family when you come back. And so I would encourage this couple to do that. I know it sounds like finances might be a stress, but go ahead and budget for it like right now. And it doesn't have to be a grand expensive trip, but some way to get away together and just spend that time together because you've been apart for so long. Thank you all so much for listening to today's episode of Hump Day. Q and A. We love getting your questions and we want to answer your question. So if you go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com you can submit your question right there or you can follow us on Instagram avanashleywillis and you can give us your questions right there by giving us a dm. So we'll catch you next time. On hump day. Q and A.