How To Be A Great In-Law

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Well, hello and welcome back to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and we are coming to you if you're watching. We are in our Exo Marriage podcast studio at the the Exo Marriage center in South Lake, Texas, the marriage capital of the world.

And it is beautiful.

It's beautiful. You can see our new background if you're watching here on YouTube. And if you want to come see us in person, go to xomarriage.com find out how you can do that. You can actually have some coffee in our cafe called Exopress, made by amazing barist out there. And so we'd love for you to join us. But we are so excited to be wrapping up our series on in law relationships today. And so what are we gonna talk about, sweetie?

Well, we are wrapping up the series strong and it's gonna be positive. I know, like some of these episodes, just by the nature of the struggles people have, we've had to dive headfirst into a lot of the difficulties that can accompany in our relationships. But today, it's all about the positive. How to be a great in law, how to be one. And even if you have some in your life that maybe aren't great yet, you know how to treat them as a great in law in a way that might help them become one. That's right. So it's going to be a positive conversation. Hopefully really helpful, too. This is all inspired by our new book, Married into the the not so Secret Guide to in Law Relationships, where you can pick up wherever books are sold. I highly recommend the audiobook. We had a lot of fun recording it.

We added some little tidbits in the audiobooks and people who've listened to our audiobooks in the past, they're like, I love the inflection. The inflection adds so much to the stories because then we get it more, you know, than just reading it. And so, yeah, we, we really had fun recording that, too.

We really, really did. So check that out on Amazon or wherever you get your books. And let's dive into today's episode.

Well, I'm so excited about this episode, because I know through this series, some of the stuff has been like the hard stuff. We've talked about when things are not going well with in law relationships, but we're gonna talk about how to make things go really well and how to be a great in law. In this particular episode, I'm excited.

Which is the goal, right? And it's not only the goal, but it's possible for every one of us. We can all be a great in law. You could be a great son or daughter in law, a great brother, sister in law, a great mother, father in law. And we should be those things. We should make it our mission to be those things. To be a blessing to everyone who enters our family through marriage. And when we enter a family through marriage that like, I want to be a blessing to everybody here, I want this family to thrive more because of my encouragement and my presence. And I want to just. I want to lift everybody up and not hold them down. I want to do that. And so how do we do those things? And it's not rocket science, really. It's not. It's really just committing to treat other people the way you want to be treated, to be an encourager and to do your part to just show honor and respect to everyone who's there.

It's so true. And I know it's easier said than done because then our pride wants to get in the way or we were trying to prove something or we feel inadequate. And that's when we have to really rise above those feelings and do the right thing and showing love and respect and then taking action and showing love and respect. But I wanna share kind of this funny story. So like my mother in law and father in law, when I first met them, you guys know that story. And if you don't go read the Naked Marri. Go back to some of our episodes. It was kind of a funny meeting, but I remember quickly, like after we became engaged, they really wanted me, like your mother and father really wanted me to call them mom and dad and not like Brad and Karen. And then the other thing was they would refer to me as their daughter instead of daughter in law. Like two people who did not know me. Which in their mind, they're like, well, I just want to show her that she's just not this.

She's part of the family.

She's really part of the family. She's not just my daughter in law. We really see her as a daughter, which I love the heart behind it. Okay. And so I remember they were introducing me to like somebody, some friends of the family that I'd never met. Now meanwhile, I'm holding hands with Dave and like kissing on his cheek or something, like, very affectionate. And the whole time they're just saying daughter, daughter. And these people, I don't think knew that your parents very well. And I know these people were getting like weirded out, like daughter. And then I literally had to chime in and say, I'm their daughter in law. Like, I'm married to Dave. And I told Karen, I'm like, listen, Karen, I love that you want to call me your daughter, but we've got to find a new name, you know, besides daughter. And she was like, you know, we'd.

Be like making out.

Well, we weren't making out, but we.

Were affectionate, my son and my daughter. And then we would be like, very affectionate. And people are like, oh my gosh. Well, they are from Kentucky. I guess that explains things.

He loves that joke.

He loves it.

But it was getting weird.

So it's like, listen, we're first cousins, but we're not brother and sister.

We are not related in any sense of the word. I just want to make that very clear. But she did say, how about daughter in love? And I've heard other people say this too. And I said, I love that. Daughter in love. So it's distinguishing between daughter and daughter in law instead of in law. It's in love. And I love that. And I wanna carry that on as well. But I wanna get back to them wanting me to call them mom and Dad. I loved that they were willing to give me that invitation. And I know in some families where they will marry into the family and they won't just call their in laws by their first names, but they will call them mom and dad. But for me personally, I just felt like it was disrespectful to my parents. And I've heard other people say this too. I felt like it took away from my parents, my mom and dad. Calling your parents mom and Dad. I never felt comfortable doing that. And they respected that. Like they never made me feel bad about that. But I think you have to do you. You have to do you. And it wasn't because I didn't look at them like my true family, because I do, but I just. It didn't feel natural for me to call them mom and dad.

Yeah. And you know, it's important to just navigate that together with a lot of just mutual understanding and respect and to not get so hung up on, like, I'm Gonna make sure that my daughter or son in law calls me this or that or I mean, to put parameters on them to say, this is how it has to be. And again, I think a lot of the times we run into trouble with in law relationships is we have in our own mind such a clear set of expectations for how things are gonna be. And it's our dream, it's our vision to have all the family gathered around us, you know, like this picture perfect moment in our mind, it has to look like that. And we're putting a lot of expectation on other people that might not be realistic. And so instead, I think we have to meet folks where they are and find their level of comfort. And just like in any relationship, whether it's a friendship or otherwise, you know, you have to navigate it and you have to have a lot of mutual.

Respect along the way and a lot of communication. And I think too, you know, you brought up a good point, sweetie, about how there's so many people involved, especially. I know we brought up holidays a lot, but this is where people feel the rub so much. And so like, there's all these different families involved. And so the fact that you may not be able to actually have Christmas Eve celebrations on Christmas Eve can't send you into a tailspin. I think it's really important. And I think your parents have done a great job of this, of being flexible and being like, you know what, the main thing is that we all get together. And if we have to have some flexibility year to year, whatever, let's do it. Cause we just want to be together. And it is sometimes like moving heaven and earth to get everybody there at the same time. As we shared with you, we now not normally most years we do not go home for Christmas. Now we did this past year and surprised them. And it was like the sweetest thing ever. My mom said, you know, between my sisters announcing the birth of her first child and me announcing the birth of my first child, that us surprising them on that holiday last year was like the best surprise ever.

And I'm like, it was so sweet.

It was so sweet to walk in.

Both of our families. Neither of them knew we were coming.

Neither of them knew it, knowing it.

Yeah. And just to find out when the family gathering was happening and to just show up to the big family gathering when no one was expecting us because.

We'Re never able to meet.

And both of our moms wept with, like, joy and surprise. And that was so cool.

It was so cool. But we normally can't do that. Because of different church obligations we have with Dave being a pastor and us being involved in different things at church. And so that was something, you know, they're not used to. And so it's been something where everybody's had to be flexible with that. Like, it takes a lot of conversation. And like we said, we always put out the olive branch and say, like, but you're welcome to come see us once you've celebrated with all the families. Come see us. Like, come to warmer weather. We're in Georgia, you're in Kentucky. Come see us. You know, but that's taken everybody having a lot of respect for each other. It really has. Right, sweetie?

Yeah.

And it's been a lot of being open to some different, you know, letting the holiday look a little bit different. And I think in order to be a great in law, you have to get used to flexibility. Like, you have to get used to flexibility. Things aren't always gonna be what you want them to be. They're not always gonna happen when you want them to happen. And I think that knowing when to really kind of push something and when to really fall back, there's gonna be. Most times you have to fall back, but maybe on occasion, there's something where you're like, no, this is extremely important that this happens at this time. Like, your dad only turns 60 years old once. Like, we all need to come together and do this or whatever. You know what I'm saying? And I think that there are those moments where you gotta push for that in a loving way. But most of the time, we have to just be very flexible with each other. And I don't just mean the parents, but the kids, too. Like, we all have to be flexible.

And to not put these parameters on each other. You're setting somebody up to fail.

Yes.

We're not talking about these one big thing. Like, this is a huge milestone. We really, really need you there. But when you try to make everything a huge milestone, like, every little thing, it's like, this is the only time that your great, great niece is gonna be an extra in this play at her school. And if you don't show up to this, you're dead to me. And it's like you're setting each other up to lose. We have to honor each other, respect each other, and to be flexible.

Yes, definitely be flexible. And I think, you know, this can get a little tricky with blended families. We've kind of touched on that, and we can't go into great detail with the time that we have. Again, blended kingdom families Podcast has amazing resources to help you navigate this. But I think that again, even in a blended family context, all parties have to be very flexible. They have to be very flexible with each other. You know, let them know what you would like to happen, let them know your desire, but also be willing to bend like we have to be willing to bend. And I think that where I really see a lot of in law relationships get fractured is when one is a bully. You know, this bully always wanting their way and always getting their way. They're used to being catered to. It's very toxic and it's just perpetuating the problem when everyone is catering to this one set of in laws or one person or whatever it is who just gets their way all the time. So we need to make sure that again, we have good boundaries in place. Place where we're not perpetuating the problem, but we're also encouraging everyone involved, including ourselves, to be very flexible, full of grace. Also assuming that the intentions of all parties involved are good and not sinister, calling out of something is clearly a sinister motive, but just really trying to assume the best is huge.

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That's so, so good. Now I want to just brag on all of our parents for a second, our four parents, because you know, we have alluded to the fact that we've had some difficulty in those early years and not to sugarcoat that. I mean, there were some hard times that we came through. But I'm so thankful for the people that they are. I'm so thankful for your parents, my parents and just their influence in our lives, their friendship, their love and support. And so I want to, for each of our four parents, just highlight one thing. There's many things, but just one thing that I appreciate that I think is an attribute of a really great in law. So, well, I'll do your parents, since they're my in laws.

Okay.

And then you can say something nice about each of my parents. So for my father in law, Bill, I love the fact that he's always been so supportive and honoring of what we do and what I do, even though my work looks totally different than his. He comes from a family where everybody, all the men in his family are so gifted with their hands. They're just gifted at creating things, building things. And I'm not like I don't have any of those skill sets. But he has always been so honoring of what I can do instead of making me feel bad that I don't measure up or I don't pass the man test in his family or whatever, he's been so honoring of what I am good at doing and really showing appreciation to that and bragging on the work that we do and showing support to the work that we do in just a really kind, supportive way. And Mary, my mother in law, who is. Her laughter fills up a room. She is so encouraging and supportive. Two of our words. One thing that she does that I appreciate is she's always giving like thoughtful gifts and I mean specifically like clothing, like wherever. She loves shopping. And so one of her love language is when she's out and she sees something that she thinks would look good on me, she lets me know, like, hey, you're on my mind. And I saw this shirt that I felt like you could speak in or you could preach it on Sunday or you would just out hanging out with the family. And most of the clothes in my closet, it's true, come from my mother in law or my mom or Ashley. But I think probably Mary more than anybody, probably. And so she has kept me clothed, she has through the years. And I appreciate that because it's like her way of showing. And I think gifts is probably a real love language for her. So it's her way of showing love. It's saying like, look, I got this for you and, and it's meaningful and thoughtful and you know, there have been a million other things too, but like focus on the good. And even in your, you know, your in law relationships, if there are certain things that are happening that really frustrate you instead of being fixated on the frustrations, I think if we'll think of one thing we're thankful for or multiple things we're thankful for and fixate on that, all of a sudden we'll have a clearer perspective of that person. This person is not a villain. They're not, you know, They're. Yeah, they're doing some stuff that is annoying to me or maybe even hurtful to me in the moment, but that's not the whole picture of who they are. Like, there are these good things, and I want to show gratitude and honor for those good things. And there are a bunch of good things, much more than what I just listed. But just for the sake of time, keeping these lists short, I love it.

And I love Dave's parents, too. Brad and Karen Willis. They're amazing. For Karen, I would say she is. And if you guys follow the Enneagram, I know it's controversial. I love these tests just because they're kind of fun. Okay. I don't live by the tests. Just. I want to give that caveat. But we've done an episode on this. But I know Karen is. She is either a 2, which is a helper, or she is a 9, which is a peacemaker. And I'll talk about the helping part, but Karen is a natural helper. Like, she just wants to help you.

Yeah.

And she is a nurse. Like, she's an educated nurse and has been a nurse for many years. And you totally see that. Like, that's the kind of nurse you'd want to have in your hospital room because she is just such a natural helper. And all through the years, she's just been so sweet to help me in various ways. She'll buy me clothes. She'll help with the kids. After each of our babies, it was such a blessing to have both of our parents come and help to some extent. But your mom, I mean, she is one of those. She's not scared to get her hands dirty. She has wiped the butts of all my kids. I know I just said that. On it is naked marriage, after all.

And mine.

That's right.

She was not recently, but.

Oh, gosh, no. But she did it for Dave, too.

All those years ago.

But she's just a helper. And she's truly the hands and feet of Jesus. She helps people, not just us, but, I mean, everybody. She said, I've learned so much from her as being a woman of God and just being willing to help people. And I love that. And as far as your dad, gosh, he's a helper too, man. But Brad, he is this larger than life and personality man, but also very physically, you know, a strong physical stature and big teddy bear. He gives the best hugs. But he has one of the most tender hearts, doesn't he, sweetie? He is like he is.

Yeah.

He is such a tender Hearted man loves Jesus, has such an amazing testimony. But I love like he is, he's just hilarious. Like I don't know what's gonna come out of his mouth but it's always like very wise but also really funny. And the way he interacts with our boys, it's so sw, you know. We actually just went to Israel not that long ago and Dave's parents were able to come with us which was just such a cool thing because they wanted to go their whole life and to be able to share that with us was awesome. But our older boys went too. And I had somebody comment to me and they said, I love how much your father in law is so sweet with like wrestling with the boys and talking to the boys and it's just really cool. I love seeing that side of your dad. But he's always treated me. Both your parents have just always welcomed me into the family and they never had any daughters and I was the first one to come into the the family and they were so thrilled to have another female around and it was just so, it's just always been so sweet to the way they've welcomed me. I've appreciated it, man, it's so good.

So guys, maybe just as an exercise for you and your spouse is to like think about your brothers in law, your sisters in law, your son in law, daughter in law, mother in law, father in law, and to say out loud to one another like at least one thing that you really love and appreciate about them. And I think that just the exercise of doing that something about gratitude, the way God wired us up, when we show gratitude, when we speak it out loud, it helps soften our hearts, it helps us look at people in a more tender hearted way, the way God wants us to look at one another. And it helps us to, you know, to strive to have those same positive attributes in ourselves instead of focusing on the negative. A lot of our situations would improve. I mean I'm not saying everything would solve if we just had more gratitude because there are real issues sometimes that need to be addressed. But almost every situation will improve with more gratitude and create a climate where you can work through those difficult things because you're coming from a place of love and mutual respect and so make that a habit more often. Don't get in the habit of just fixating on that one thing that they're doing that's annoying you or thing that is hurting you even. But instead say lord, help me trust you with that. Help me to focus on more of the good and those negative Areas that need to be addressed even as I address them, maybe with that person, even help me to do it from a place of honor and respect and wanting to pursue peace. And the book that we've created, Married into the Family, which is available now, and I encourage you to get it, I think it's going to really be helpful to you. It is designed to help you and to help your spouse to be able to work through these issues together in a way that brings more unity in your marriage and more peace in your extended families, which is really just a huge part of God's plan for your family. And so if things feel stuck now, they don't have to stay stuck. You can get through it.

You can. I want to add one last thing before we close out this episode is all of us involved really need to manage our expectations. But you know, who's the person that you can manage their expectations? It's your right. You can't manage someone else's expectations. I mean, you can try, you can put it out there, you can say like, this is what I can do. But really it's between them and God, what expectations they have for themselves and for other people. And so I would just encourage you if you feel like there's an in law where they're letting you down. Or you know, like for example, maybe you always thought they'd be really helpful when your kids came along, but they're not. They're in a different phase of life and they just can't help out as much as you would like, or you thought they'd be more willing to give you space and you're dealing with kind of a smothering kind of dynamic or whatever it is. You know, maybe there's just, there's just not the closeness that you thought would be there. We can have all these different expectations that just aren't quite what we thought they would be. And we need to be very, very just prayerful about asking God to help us manage our expectations. Our expectations, you know, aren't necessarily wrong. Like, I'm not saying that wanting to have involved grandparents is the wrong thing. That's beautiful. Or wanting, you know, to have a closeness with your in laws is wrong at all. I mean, that's the goal, right? But when they're not happening, we tend to really pull back and sometimes get resentful. And so that's why we really have to be prayerful and just ask God to keep, you know, to help us have a tender heart and to manage our expectations and think to ourselves, you know, I can't control that other person. And I, if I'm constantly setting them up to fail kind of in my own expectations that I'm constantly going to be disappointed. So instead flip that and just don't have crazy expectations because then you might be pleasantly surprised. And that sounds kind of sad in saying that, like, lower your expectations, guys, but what I mean, I mean, do you get what I'm saying? We've done this. You need to adjust them because you don't have control over that. You only have control over what you do and what you put out there, right? And so when they do something that you love and you want to see them do it again, then praise them for it. Because we say this all the time on the podcast. Praised behavior is repeated behavior. And so if you are so grateful that they did help out with the kids, make sure you make over that. And you say, man, you could be doing anything else in the world, but you spent two hours with my kids, thank you so much. Or you know what, you could have bought anything else in the world, but you thought to get me that vineyard Vines, you know, button down shirt that I can wear to speak in or whatever. You know what I'm saying? Like, we need to make over those things that we are so grateful for and not take them for granted because that is going to lead to more things that you want to see. That praise behavior is repeated behavior.

Man. So good. And guys, that wraps up not only this episode, but our whole series on in law relationships. I'm sure we'll address this topic again, just like we've addressed it in the past, because in law relationships are a huge aspect of marriage and family life. And so we'll be talking about it more. But this doesn't have to be the end of you learning and growing in this area because again, our book, Married into the the not so Secret Guide to In Law Relationships is available now. And I really, really think that this book could make a positive influence in your life. So. So get it and get a copy for anyone in your life who might have a struggle in this area. I think would help them as well. Guys, thanks so much for tuning in. Join us next time. We've got some great stuff in store for the rest of the rest of this year and we don't want you to miss out on any of it. So we'll see you.