How to Confess Your Porn Addiction

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Visit burlington.com coats for details. Hello, and welcome back to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast, we undress the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And we are coming to you live from our studio here in South Lake, Texas, the marriage capital of the world. And you guys, we have a great episode for you today. It's a little more serious in nature, but very, very important. But before we dive in, I want to share another request review with you. Thank you so much to all of you who have left reviews. It's the best way to get out the message that we're trying to spread, which is you can get through the hard times in marriage. And so if you love this podcast, please leave a review today. All right, today's review comes from Mama Carrion 6. And this person entitled it Reinvigorating My Marriage and gave us five stars. So thank you. She says, my husband and I have been married almost 14 years. We have four kids, ages 13, 9, 5, and 1. The one year old was so unexpected, and I had some issues during pregnancy. I. I feel like we got so disconnected during that time. And still after I found your podcast and have been changing little things and talking to him more intentionally. You've been so encouraging and inspirational to me. And even the little things are helping us to feel more connected. Oh, my goodness.

Wow. That is so good. And praying for your family and cheering you guys on. That little baby was a gift from God. I know that probably the transition, the unexpected transition of another one could have caused a whole lot of stress, but that, that baby's a precious gift, as you well know. And, and God has great plans for your family and for your marriage. And it's an honor to know that the podcast is helping. And you said the little. Even the little things are making a difference. The little things tend to make the biggest difference. And that's, that's part of why we talk about the things we do on this podcast. A lot of times. It's, it's, it's the little things being intentional about the little things that really end up being the big things. And so thank you so much for sharing that with us. It means a lot, and I hope the podcast continues to encourage you. And for all of you guys, we got an important topic today as we continue on in themes from our upcoming book, the Counterfeit Climax. And today's topic is one that impacts a whole lot of marriages. And we hope it leads, if you're caught up in this, to one of the most important conversations you and your spouse will ever have. Let's dive in.

Well, this is kind of a heavy episode today, but it's an important one. And all throughout this series, based on our new book, the Counterfeit Climax, we're talking about those things that can kind of really make our sex life not everything that God wants it to be. And as you guys know, we talk an awful lot about pornography because not only is it part of our testimony, but it is such a huge problem for so many people and a big step in becoming free from this, the bondage of porn. Because that's what it is. It's toxic, and it can make you feel like you're just caught in this web that you can never escape. A big step in getting free from it is first confessing it. And so we wanna talk about how to do that because it is something that doesn't necessarily come naturally because it's very. I think there's so much shame associated with it and fear associated with it, uncertainty. And I think that's what keeps so many people from actually confessing it and. And then getting help after they confess it. So what do we do with that, sweetie?

Yeah, and I do think a lot of folks are there, and you might think, man, why do you guys talk so much about porn? But we talk about it because statistically we know so many people are caught up in it. Not just like me, where it's part of your past, but like in the present. I think if the stats are anywhere close to right, then the majority of of men have an ongoing problem with porn. Even if they don't consider it a problem, it is a problem because viewing it at all is a problem. And a growing number of women have an issue with pornography as well. And it's just doing so much to sabotage our homes, our marriages. In the book, the Counterfeit climax that's coming out that all these episodes are based on, we do talk a lot about porn, and we even specifically say porn is kind of the definition of a counterfeit climax. It's a counterfeit version of sex that can only harm the real thing. And for every real thing that God ever created, we have an enemy who's trying to create counterfeits. And God created sex and it's amazing. God created marriage and it's amazing. But the enemy, the devil, he can't create anything. He's not a creator. All he can do is pervert and distort that which has been created. And he can try to come up with counterfeits and, and when it comes to sex, he has a ton of counterfeits. And pornography is at the top of the list and it's fueling most of the other counterfeits. It's kind of the biggest form of counterfeit and it has so much damage. So we want to talk about it, not only because it is part of our story, but we believe that if you can get your marriage porn free and keep your marriage porn free, it's one of the single best and most important things you can do to protect the long term health not only of your sex life, but literally of every single part of your marriage.

Absolutely. And I think when it comes to this, especially if you're a Christian, which many of you listening to this and watching this are, you need to pray about this. Because it is hard to find the words when you're caught in sin. And you know that the news of a porn habit, porn addiction is going to break your spouse's heart. It's hard to find the words, but God will help you find those words. And so, you know, bring it to the Lord and really confess it to him. He already knows it's going on, but you know, it says in the Word that we need to confess our sins to the Lord. And that process of confession, it just, it just ties us closer to the Lord and really allows us to surrender it to God. It's really a surrendering and saying, you know, God, I really feel powerless right now. But I know that you are the most powerful force in this entire universe and beyond. And you can help me through this so that there is nothing that God cannot help you with. And so bring it to God and then specifically ask him, say, lord, give me the right timing of day. And you don't wanna prolong this. Cause there's never gonna be a perfect time. But you know, help me to know when the right moment is and help me to know sooner rather than later, but also give me the right words and even a step further. You know, prepare my spouse and my spouse's heart for this because I want it to land in such a way that it's that they are receptive and not immediately shut off. Because I think when you receive news of this, of really any kind of deep, dark kind of sin that's been going on in your spouse's life, especially if it's something that really hurts their feelings and hurts their heart, like pornography, it's easy for them to just want to shut it off and even maybe avoid it altogether. And like, wait a minute, stop there. I don't want to hear about it. Let's just move on. And that's not gonna get you anywhere. So really ask the Lord to not only prepare your heart and give you the words, but also to prepare your spouse's heart. And what you'll find in this is that God will. He's gonna make the way and he's gonna make it clear. And it's going to be awkward. You know, you've got to own the fact that this conversation is gonna be hard. It's not gonna be easy at all. No matter how prayed up you are, it's gonna be hard. And that's just kind of one of the natural consequences of sin in our life, is confession is hard. But let me tell you, there's so and so. Don't avoid it because it's awkward or because you're embarrassed or because you're scared. Go beyond that because the enemy would love nothing more than you to not have this conversation. You know, these kind of conversations are what God wants us to do because he doesn't want us to live in the dark in the bondage of sin. He doesn't want us to live, you know, in shame. And he doesn't, you know, the enemy doesn't want us to have thriving sex lives, but God does. And so we have to get this out in the open. And so you need to be able to embrace the awkward and also be ready for the awkward. Be ready to answer any questions your spouse might have to the level of detail that they ask. You know, and this can be really awkward. I'll be honest. I know from personal experience.

Yeah, it is so true. You know, I have. And we'll talk about kind of a little bit about what it looks like when this first came out in our own life, but it's fresh on my mind. I had a friend just call me this last week who had just confessed a long term porn addiction to his wife. And I love the words that he said to me as he was recapping his conversation with his wife on kind of confessing this. And he said that when he told her, part of what he said is like, listen, I need to confess something to you that's been a struggle for me for a long time. And I'm confessing this to you because I need your help to get through it and because for the sake of our marriage, I don't want this to be an issue anymore. And he said, I've had an ongoing issue with pornography. And so what I need you to know first off is that this is in no way your fault. It's not because of anything that you have done or are not doing. He said, in fact, this is something that I've struggled with since long before you came into the picture. It's been really all of my. From adolescence up through adulthood, it's been just an issue. And it's gotten kind of progressively worse and worse over time. And I've never really talked about it to anybody, but I'm telling you now and I'm sorry. And I'm also saying I want to heal from this and I want your help to do that. And she. Everybody's going to respond differently. She responded with a lot of grace in that moment and just wanting to support him. Um, you know, your spouse might initially respond with a lot of hurt. And, you know, however that initial response is, try not to. Try not to judge how it's going to go based on that initial response. Because for the person who responds initially with a lot of grace, they might end up really, really struggling as they process it over time. For the person who responds with a lot of anger initially, they might actually respond with a whole lot of grace over time as they process it. So as it relates to our own story, I wish I'd have had the courage to do it. My friend did right then for the conversation to get started for us. Ashley found on the computer, this was years before there were even smartphones and all that. But back on the old clunky desktop computer, she found some of the sites that I had been to and she called me and said, hey, do you have something you need to tell me? And by the tone of her voice, like, I just knew in my heart she had discovered it and I was wanting to confess it and needing an opportunity to confess it. And that became my opportunity that I took it. But I hate that she had to find that before I started the conversation. Now, you know, I did get really honest really fast once she did find it. And I just tried to get as vulnerable as I could about the fact that this had been a very long term struggle and I hadn't shared with her that it had been a part of my past because I didn't want her to see me differently. And I thought that I'd overcome it on my own, but I'd fallen back into it and I just kind of hated myself for it. There was a lot of self loathing. I was to the point where I didn't even enjoy it. I was just like the proverbs describe a dog returning to its vomit, which is an actual verse in the Bible, and this picture of returning to that disgusting thing that you can recognize as something disgusting, and yet it's like you can't. Like a dog can't help themselves, a fool can't help themselves from falling back into that sin. I was that fool who had not gotten accountability, had not done the wise things you need to do with filtering software and accountability and confession and all the things we talk about here on the podcast and in our books. But when she found it, it opened up the door for the conversation to start. And it was a messy process toward healing because I was so wrapped up in it that as much as I hated myself for it and as much as I wanted to be free from it, it had its hooks in my mind so deeply that it took time for me to really fully detox and break those thought cycles. It even took some time for me to fully break free from porn. There was one or two relapses that I had in those early months of really trying to break free once and for all. And it was a journey. It was a messy journey. But the grace that Ashley displayed, the wisdom she displayed to walk alongside me, not sugarcoating it, not in any way pretending that it was okay, not saying that it's no problem. It definitely is a problem. And it's something that neither of us could allow into our marriage for the sake of our marriage and mental health and for the sake of our walk with the Lord and all those other things. But she responded with a lot of grace, even while she herself was wounded because of what I was doing and because of the rejection she felt personally because of what I was doing. I'm so thankful for the way that she did respond. And so if your spouse comes to you and says this is a struggle, first thing you need to know is it's not because of anything that you're doing or not doing. Pornography hooks into a brain like a drug. It works on the brain through neuroscience. We know it works like a drug addiction does to the brain, where it's not logical. It's just purely addictive, reactive behavior. It's sin, and it needs to be called sin, and it needs to be dealt with. But when your spouse has confessed that to you, don't take it initially as just, oh, he or she, they want to look at these other things instead of me, and they're rejecting me. There is an element to that, and I totally understand why you'd feel that way. But also know that, like, this is essentially like a sacrifice sickness. This is an addiction that they're wrapped up in. It's a sin that has them hooked. And I want to come alongside them and really help them repent and help them to walk through this and offer as much grace as I can, while at the same time letting them know, yes, this hurts me. This wounds me. This hurts our sex life, this hurts our intimacy. This hurts my trust. But I love you, and I'm choosing to walk with you through this, and together we're going to come out stronger. I'm so thankful Ashley did that. And, you know, our marriage, I believe, is where it is today because of how she responded. But regardless of how your spouse responds, the right thing for you to do, if you're the one in the addiction, is to confess, is to do everything in your power to get clean and to move forward to fight to rebuild trust in your marriage, you know?

Absolutely. And I'm just so glad that when I called Dave that he actually admitted to it. You know, I think so many times when we're caught, we tend to just be like, that's not me. And I don't know who that was. And I'm just so thankful that he had the courage to confess to it, because it does, you guys, it takes so much courage to confess. But you can do this. You can do this with God's help. And not only can you do this, you need to do this. You know, your spouse deserves your confession, and you're hurting them more the longer that you're waiting to confess to this, and you're hurting yourself more. You're not only cutting off, kind of not cutting off, but you're hurting. You're not only hurting your marriage relationship, you're really hurting your relationship with the Lord because you're allowing this thing to take more importance in your life than your relationship with God and your spouse. And I'm not saying that to shame you. I'm just saying that to reckon with you. To say, like, that's the reality of the situation. Just like any sin in our life, it really puts a wedge between us and God and us and people. And, you know, your spouse is the one you're supposed to love the most. As far as your human relationships, and to let porn be more important in your life than them, which really what pornography kind of trains our mind to do. It's a terrible thing. And so I know that those of you listening to this and watching this, you know that you wouldn't be listening to this or watching this if you didn't want to stop. And so we just want to tell you there's hope and you can do this. And there are resources out there. You know, we share so many on here. One of our partners for the podcast is Covenant Eyes. They're amazing. They're a filtering software company, and they will not only filter out the pornographic websites, but they will also hold you accountable by emailing. You know, if you have a weak moment, they'll email, you know, either your spouse, if that's who you want it to be, as far as accountability partners, or maybe a very trusted friend of the same sex that you kind of want to hold you accountable. They'll email. Email that person so that they can check in with you and say, hey, it's been a rough day, right? Cause I got an email. And not to shame you, but just say, like, talk to me. Talk to me. What's going on? Why are you having this weak moment? And I wanna spend this next little time talking to the spouse that receives the confession. Because, you know, maybe you have already received a confession from your spouse, and maybe they're not doing so well and keeping up their end of the bargain. Maybe they've had more relapses than you ever thought they would. Or maybe they say they wanna change, but they're not changing. You know, it's important that we address that, but how we do it is so important. And if we've blown it, if we've lost it, if we've, you know, freaked out on them and called them names, which, of course, we're hurt and what they did was wrong, but how we handle it, you know, really affects how they're going to handle it. And so if we've really lost our temper and said some hurtful things, we really need to repent and we need to go to our spouse and say, listen, I'm just really hurt. I'm sorry. There's no excuse for me to treat you that way. I'm just really trying to process what happened myself, and I didn't handle it in the best way. I'm really working on this. I'm praying through this. But I just want you to know I'm sorry. I really believe in you. I believe that God can continue to do the good work in you that he is doing. And I'm a human being. And I'm just hurt because I have a hard time getting these images out of my mind. These images of you looking up those sights and these images of you getting pleasure outside of our marriage. It just really makes me sick and it makes me angry. And I'm sorry that I'm having a hard time processing this. Be honest, because you are a human being. You have every right to be angry. You have every right to be disgusted. But it doesn't give us a license to mistreat our spouse. And so, you know, really ask the Lord to give you a heart filled with grace. And you guys, that's so hard. I mean, it really is. And I really had to dig deep in my faith and say, God, you know, help me to see the good in Dave. Help me to not let this define Dave or define our marriage. Help me to hold onto hope. Help me to keep doing the things that are in my power to do. Because I know I can't change Dave. I also can't change the past. I can't change the fact that he had the desire to look at these things. I can't change any of this. But I know that I can control my responses. And when I blow it, as I often do, I can also go and make amends. And so we need to just really keep ourselves in check. And, you know, a lot of times I think spouses who receive this confession, we can blow ourselves up and think, well, I would never do that. And I've been the faithful spouse and I've been doing everything right. And I get it, maybe you have been doing mostly everything right. But I guarantee you're not perfect. I'm not perfect. And I really, you know, God and the Holy Spirit really kind of, you know, reminded me of that in those moments where I was puffed up with pride, thinking I'd never done anything wrong against dad or against anybody. And I'm this sin free person. It's like the Holy Spirit would pierce my heart and say, listen, Ashley, every day you need the Lord. Every day you're frail, every day you have thoughts that you probably shouldn't be having. And that's what Dave went through. He had thoughts and he acted on them. But you know what? You're a sinful person too. And you need to remember that, because we all fall short and we all need Jesus. And so we've got to remind ourselves of that, especially when we're trying to help our spouse walk through something like a pornography addiction. Because when we realize that, it really keeps our heart soft, and it also keeps our mind on the right things, and it keeps our mind on the Lord and the work that he is doing in their life. And it also helps us to have the right posture towards our spouse and the right kind of conversations and the right tone, because tone says a lot, so we don't come off real preachy at them or really negative towards them. And it's really important in the healing process, man.

So true. And there is, if you're thinking, well, I don't want to tell because it's just going to hurt him, so I'm going to keep this to myself, and it's just my burden to bear. And you almost make yourself a martyr for not telling. That's not healthy. And it's not biblical. I mean, First John 1:9 says, if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, purify us from all unrighteousness. And that confession isn't just to God, because the book of James says, confess your sins one to another, to each other for healing. It's like God forgives us when we confess to him. But he already knows it takes no courage to confess anything to God because he already knows where it takes courage and faith is to confess one to another. That's where our faith really gets put into practice, and that's where the healing process really begins. And I try to deal with it on my own for a long time, buying into the myth that I could just deal with this on my own. And I never confessed one to another. I never confessed to Ashley. I don't think I ever really confessed to anybody. And that's when a sin will really take a grip on you. But if you'll bring it out into the open, once you bring something from the darkness into the light, it instantly has less power on you. It might still be a messy process to get fully healed, but it's so worth it. And the minute you confess it, it loses its power over you. And so have that conversation. Don't put it off. Have it today. All right, we're gonna transition into our Q and A time. Thank you guys for writing in our questions. We appreciate it so much. Today, the question says, my husband and I have a wonderful marriage, and I'm trying to make it even better and everything God wants it to be. My husband struggled with pornography in his past, and I know it's a temptation he still struggles with. Now. I've tried to have an open conversation about it and let him know I'm here to support him and can help him fight it, but he really didn't want to talk about it. How can I help him through this and help him be more comfortable opening up to me? And how can I get past my feelings and of sadness and disappointment over this? Such a good question. Your husband, naively is thinking that he is protecting you by not talking about it because he doesn't want to put those images in your head. He doesn't want there to be a reminder of the fact that this has been a struggle or is currently a temptation. He's wanting just to pretend that whole part of his mind and life never existed and certainly doesn't exist now. But for him to not talk about it. What he doesn't realize is he's actually making it worse. He's making the trust issue even more broken because you're trying to connect with him in this area and he's hoping to not feel judged by you. He's hoping to not put these thoughts in your head. He might even think he's just protecting you by not wanting to have these conversations. But he needs to know how important it is for you that he opens up and that he trusts you to walk with him through this and that he's willing to talk about it. And until he does, neither of you can fully heal.

You know, it's so true. And that last part of her question where it says, how can I get past my feelings of sadness and disappointment over this? I really don't even think all of that is because that porn is an issue. I really think probably where most of the sadness is coming from, just based on the rest of her question, is the fact that he will not trust her enough to tell her, because that's really what it comes down to. And, you know, I think you need to remind your husband, like, hey, you can trust me. Like, I'm here for the long haul. You don't have to tell me all the details about this because honestly, I don't know how much that would help, you know, in what are all the different porn sites you went to? What are all the different fetishes you're into? Like, I don't know if that's going to help anything, but just say, like, I want to know when you feel tempted by this, because I want to help you through that. And just say like, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I don't think you're like a lost cause, you know, I just wanna help you. I'M asking you not to be nosy. I'm asking you so we can grow closer together. And, you know, I don't know her personal situation, but if you maybe have something on your heart that you wanna share with him, maybe it's not even a sin, but maybe something you've never told him, a lot of times when you kinda can bear something that leads him to feel like there's this open door for him to be more honest. And I'm not saying that's a guarantee, but I have seen that happen with many couples and even in our own relationship. And so if you're willing to maybe to trust him with that and say, like, I trust you, and I really need you to trust me, and it just makes me sad. Tell him, say, listen, I don't want to feel this way, but I feel so sad. And it's because of the porn issue. Yes. But it's also because you're kind of leaving me out here in the dark. And I really want to be. I want to bear this with you. I want to be the burden bearer with you. So please, please open up to me. And I would say, too, if he's still having trouble, I think talking to one of our marriage coaches would be really, really great for both of you. And I know odds are he probably isn't that excited about it if he's having a hard time opening up to you, But I would ask him, say, listen, this would mean the world to me if you would talk with this marriage coach, this person that doesn't know us, that can kind of look into our situation from neutral ground. It would mean the world to me if you would just talk with this marriage coach and maybe they could give you some tips on how to have this conversation. Maybe even send him this podcast if he's not already listening to it and say, listen to this on your own time. You're not the only one struggling with this. Dave and Ashley went through this. You know, there's millions of people who struggle with this, and they've come through it on the other side. But I can't help you if you're not gonna tell me more about this and let me in. I think that would be really helpful. So if you want to talk to one of our marriage coaches, you can go to xomarriage.com help and you can meet with them virtually, or if you're in the DFW area in Texas, you can actually meet with them in person.

Yeah. They are such a great resource, and thank you for this important question. Another resource that could be very helpful, whether it's porn specifically, which we address a lot about, or anything related to to having a better, completely full and free sex life. Check out our brand new book available for pre order now. It's called the Counterfeit Climax. Yes, and we are so excited to share this book with you. It's going to be out in February, but you can order it now. And if you come to one of our XO events anytime next year, anytime in 2022, we're going to be talking about messages from this book at all of our XO events and we would love, love, love to see you there. Guys. Thanks again for tuning in. Thanks for leaving reviews. Thanks for sharing this podcast on social media or wherever else you share it. We appreciate you so much. We'll see you next time.

Bye guys.