How to Get on the Same Page About Money

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Hey friends, welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We're Dave and Ashley Willis, and we're so glad you're here. And on this podcast, we uncover God's design for lifelong love. And before we jump in today, Ashley wants to tell you about a free gift we have for you. Totally free. You want to get it in your hands.

Free is our favorite. We want to make sure that you look below in the show notes after you start listening to this episode and look for a link to our our 31-day marriage devotional. It's completely free. It's a great way to take a month's time and have a better marriage at the end of the month. And so make sure you take advantage of that. And today's episode is a good one. We are talking all about money.

Money.

Big, big topic. So let's dive into today's episode.

And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. Money. Money is a stress point for a lot of couples. I saw a study recently that suggested that, that money issues could now be considered the number one or number two cause of divorce, depending on what studies you look at. But regardless, it's high up there. A lot of couples that just don't make it, it's this issue. It's we can't get on the same page. And guys, we— it shouldn't be that way. God wants you to have a financial plan that brings peace and unity to both of you. And so we're gonna talk about that in this episode as a couple who's gotten it wrong a lot of times, and we'll share some of the mistakes we've made along the way, and then some hard-earned lessons that we've learned along the way as well. And then we're gonna point to some biblical truth because God's word is the ultimate source for everything related to your marriage, including your finances. And there's a lot a lot in the Bible about money. In fact, Jesus talked more about money in his parables than he talked about heaven or hell. This is an area that he wants us to get right. And if we'll get this right, it will make a huge difference in the peace in your home and in the unity in your marriage.

Yes, because we all have feelings when it comes to money.

As soon as we say money, it's like—

Yes, it's not usually neutral. I mean, maybe there's some rare people out there where you just feel neutral about it. But I would say for most of us, for various reasons, we either feel excited about money and good about money and we're like, yes, it's a great tool, love money. And then others where you're just like groan because it's always been the bane of your existence. You feel like you never have enough. Or maybe when you had some money, you felt like, you know, it was all of a sudden you're seen differently and you don't like how people treat you differently, whether you have money or don't have money. I mean, there's just all these feelings around it. And I mean, it's been said more money more problems, right?

Yeah, and he was right. If you're not a fan of '90s hip-hop and don't know what we're talking about, that's right.

Oh, '90s hip-hop.

You missed the glorious era.

That's right.

So early on in our marriage, we made some dumb choices relating to money. Now to our credit, we were so broke that there wasn't a lot of wiggle room. Ashley was still a student.

Yes.

I was working and the one income I brought in was barely qualified as an income. I mean, we were broke. We were rich in love.

Very rich in love.

But what we found out is that you don't need actual money. You can buy things on credit. We had not heard of Dave Ramsey at this point. He would've freaked out at the way we were living. And by the way, Dave Ramsey's a great resource for money. Yes. If you don't know who that is.

The Ramsey Show. Love it.

So check that out. He could have saved us a lot of money if we'd have found him earlier. So, uh, I got into credit card debt. We needed a car, so I thought, well, I don't have money, but I could finance a car, right?

And our parents were like, no, no, no.

They were like, oh, they don't know.

They're like, we know better, you old bogeys.

So we went, and, uh, and now we, we got a car. We financed this brand new car, uh, that—

and it was a Toyota Camry. I mean, it wasn't— but it was very practical.

It might have been—

it could have been a Ferrari as well, right?

Like, yeah. And, and it stood out because we lived in— we We lived in a house that our friends affectionately called the crack house.

Yeah.

So this was the newest car on the block by at least 10 years. And it was our neighbors, ooh, nice car. So we got this car because the salesman, we went to look for a new car, a used car, but the salesman's like, no, you've got good credit. You can get a new car. The salesman was so nice. I mean, I felt like he really wanted to be my friend. We would hang, he got me.

Well, they were having you guys this like party atmosphere. Oh, it was a party.

There was ice cream.

It's like the kid, it's like, like an adult equivalent to a kid's carnival, but with like really expensive things to buy.

I know.

And we took the bait.

How did you not say— I didn't even have to put any money down. It was like, you're just gonna give me this car with ice cream? Yeah, yeah, we'll send you a bill every month. And so I got home, we started doing the math, and I realized, because it was a lease, right? It wasn't even convinced us, you know what, you don't need to own it, you just need to lease it. And yeah, that sounded good. But then we got home and really started looking at the paperwork we'd signed, realized, oh my gosh, like there are all these overages. We drive a lot. We were I'm gonna end up paying a fortune to lease this car. Just some things that the salesman had not highlighted. So we realized that there was a law that you had like, that he didn't mention, by the way.

It was in Kentucky at the time.

Yeah, but you had like 48 hours to return it. So the next day we took it back and I just said, hey man, I can't afford this car. And that salesman who had been so nice the day before, he was not nearly as nice, but we were able to take it back. And that was one bullet we dodged, but, we did end up still making a lot of bad financial choices. I will say, like, along the way, one thing that we learned the hard way is, is, man, there's nothing like the smell of a new car, but one thing that beats it is the smell of a paid-off car. And right now we got a couple of paid-off cars, you know, that smell a little bit like, I don't know, like spilled cottage cheese.

Speak for yourself. Mine smells good.

Ours is—

I'm obsessed with my car. Mine, and so—

You could, yeah. There's like a petri dish of fungus growing in the backseat. There is not. But I love it. I love it because it's paid off. There's a dent in the side that Ashley's embarrassed by. Of your car. But I like the dent because it helps me to spot it in parking lots really easily. And the kids say too, oh, there's the dent, that's our car. So it's practical.

I mean, there's that, yeah.

So anyway, like we've just learned there's a freedom and a peace of not having just this financial pressure. And that's why the Bible talks so much about avoiding debt when we can. In Proverbs, it says the borrower is a slave to the lender, meaning when you choose to go into debt for something, you're giving away a part of your freedom. You're giving away to the lender, whoever the lender might be. And God wants us to live in freedom. Now, there might be times where you can't get around it. You end up with some medical debt through a situation you couldn't have predicted, or, you know, debt like a mortgage, I think could be really beneficial if that's the only way you can get a house. We certainly still have a mortgage that we're trying to pay off. And at this point, that's the only debt that we have. But consumer debt as a whole is something that will just put a chokehold on the marriage. So like the first bit of advice we can give as it relates to your marriage is to develop a plan to do whatever you can do to get out of debt. And we have some great resources here at XO Marriage that can help walk you through that. But it's the two of you getting on the same page is the first and most important step. Because if you're on different pages with money, if you're hiding money from each other, I saw, read something that now more than ever, couples are keeping separate accounts, like his and hers accounts. And I'll just say this, like I've never, And this is gonna offend some people, but you know, it is what it is. I've never known a couple with separate bank accounts who has the kind of marriage that I would wanna have.

Is never a strong word? Like, is never the word or is it rarely?

Never.

Okay.

And I—

Okay, he's standing, he's doubling down.

And I've got family members, multiple family members, dear friends and others that I know for a fact had separate accounts. And as much as I love 'em, I would not want their marriage.

Okay.

So I'm standing by it.

Strong statement.

It is a strong statement.

But you know what? Because I think— I think you're not alone in this.

It's not just correlation or cause, it's correlation and causation maybe. It's like if you have the mindset of we're keeping everything separate, that mindset is wrong with your finances, but it's gonna also bleed over into other parts of your marriage.

It will. And actually Rachel Cruze, who is Dave Ramsey's daughter, she's part of the Ramsey Network, and she will speak on the Ramsey Show from time to time. I heard her share that they were doing studies on this, and those who share a bank account have a higher level of what they call this measurable marital satisfaction.

There it is, see?

As opposed to people who do not share a bank account.

Called it.

Okay, I know. And that's the people themselves saying, hey, I'm happy in my marriage. That's not, you know, from somebody else's opinion. It's them judging their own marriage, right? And how happy they are at that time of this assessment. But there is something to that. And here's the deal, and I know, And I know, I get it. I have family members where they're like, but we have maybe one little shared account. We have this business account and all this. We're not here to do that. I mean, I get that.

Running a business and you need a business account. I mean, that could be its own thing. But the whole his and hers, you need to tell spouses telling each other, oh, I'm gonna get this dinner, you need to pay for this. And I'm like, that is just dumb. It just is dumb. It's like you're married, it's all in the same, pot. There's no longer like all this his and hers nonsense. His and hers is the language of divorce. Ours is the language of marriage. So every part of your life needs to become ours. It's our time, our hopes, our dreams, our debt, our money. And if we're separating all that out of like his money, her money, his friends, her friends, his time, not saying you can't ever have a friend apart from your spouse or a hobby apart from your spouse, But the more you can share together, the stronger your relationship is gonna be. So don't invent ways to separate things out because that's the language of divorce. Divorce is all about dividing into his and hers. Marriage is about unifying into the sacred oneness that God created us to have. And where the Bible says, where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. So where your money is, if your money is divided in marriage, then your heart will be divided in marriage. And I've just seen it play out like that.

You know, in working with couples for all these years, we've sat across from all different kinds of couples, all different walks of life. You know, some who had a lot of money, some who had a little money. And I will tell you, there's been some where they felt convicted by, you know, this whole concept of maybe having everything divided and they've tried to change it and put everything together. 'Cause you would say, well, now we've got it separated, we've been married 20 years, we can never put it together. But I beg to differ because we've seen couples put it together and they will report back, you know, it took some adjusting, obviously, But they always say, at least in the ones that we've worked with, okay, over time they say, you know what, why didn't we do this sooner? Like, it takes all the guesswork out of it. Like, we have so much more peace. But the biggest thing I've seen lately in the couples that we've worked a little bit with finances is that they have shared goals when it comes to not only their finances and like paying off things, but when it comes to giving, like it comes to giving.

Yeah, that's huge. And you know, because you have to share the mentality that it's all God's.

Right.

And if you have that, then it makes it so much easier to combine because it's, well, it's not mine anyway. It's all God's. It's not his and hers. It's his, his being the Lord's, not the husband's. And we're gonna be stewards of it. We're gonna be temporary managers of it. We wanna do our part to be generous, to be kind, to be good managers of it. But it's ultimately his. It's freeing to think that way. And it also is freeing to not feel like you've gotta, hide from each other, bringing it back to the naked marriage, how your finances relate to a naked marriage. Naked marriage is about having nothing to hide from each other. If you're keeping separate accounts, then even if you don't consider it hiding, your spouse is walled off from certain things, from your spending habits, from what you're buying, from what you're doing. And that is secrecy. Like that is a form of saying you don't have access to this. And a naked marriage means you have full access to every part, every part of me. I don't wanna have any secrets from you.

And this is so true. And that's why just putting it all together helps you to have that vulnerability, that honesty, that transparency in every part of your marriage, but also in finances, right? But here's a dynamic that I'm seeing more and more is that a couple will put all their stuff in the same pot. They have the same account. It all goes into one account, but only one spouse actually accesses that account. So we've seen where they technically, share the account. They technically share the credit card or whatever, but only one of them is managing it. And I don't know if that's necessarily because they just wanna lord over it or if it's because the other spouse just doesn't wanna fool with it. But here's the deal, you both need to know what's going in and what's coming out. One of you might be better with money and maybe have the primary kind of like you're stewarding it as far as paying the bills and maybe making the, you know, the budget and all those types of things ultimately. But you do have to to check in with your spouse and get their input. And that spouse has to be willing to give input. Don't get lazy on this, okay? Because you both need to speak into this. But it also keeps that level of transparency that needs to be in place. Even if one of you is kind of the one who's more in charge of the money, it's all God's, and you both are stewards of that. And I've seen where only one is really, you know, making the decisions when it comes to money, or the only one really kind of managing the money. It really can go sideways pretty fast when it comes to communication. Communication. There can be secrets, all kinds of misunderstandings. But then it can also sometimes lead to what is happening a lot now, and there's a word for it. It's called financial infidelity, where there's these secret places that money goes. And whether or not you're sharing the accounts, this can happen. Like I was saying, like where one spouse, even if you're sharing the account, just kind of doesn't pay attention. Maybe there's some financial decisions going on that they don't feel good about. And that's considered financial infidelity, where there's been misspending, mismanagement, Maybe even secret accounts that have been made where you're, you know, you have a gambling problem. Or we've known people where they made a secret account because they had a pornography addiction that even went further, and now they're looking at OnlyFans, and they've spent thousands and thousands of dollars on this OnlyFans account, which is like live-action porn. And so that also is not only like a form of sexual infidelity, right, even though virtually, but it also is financial infidelity because Yeah, absolutely. There's deep secrets, right? And so don't find yourself in those dynamics either. And one way you can make sure that you don't is by being honest about where the money is going, you know, where you are spending, how you guys wanna make these financial decisions. It helps you stay on the same page.

It does. And God wants you on the same page. Like he wants you unified. I'm gonna share a story of a couple, a friend of ours who's a couple who've, it really inspired and challenged us in this area. It's our friends Gary and Sue. And Gary and Sue are friends of ours back home in Georgia, part of our church. They're also big supporters of EXO. In fact, their names are here several places in the building just from donations that they have made. They're the most generous people I've ever known in terms of financial generosity. But it wasn't always that way.

Right.

So their story kind of in a nutshell is Sue is originally from Taiwan, grew up extremely poor. Gary is American, had been, been a Marine. Eventually Sue moved to the United States. They got married, were broke when they got married. You know, she was working multiple jobs at like fast food places. They were just doing whatever they could to make ends meet. Over time, just through financial discipline and hard work, and, and they were able to really amass a lot of money. I don't know, like, what their net worth is, but I know that God has really blessed them in that area. And for years, Gary was a hoarder as it related to, like, he wanted to keep every penny. He was kind of Ebenezer Scrooge. And Sue, God got a hold of Sue's heart first as it relates to generosity, and she really had this heart to give and wanted to give, but she was also wanting to honor her husband's wishes, and he really wasn't on the same page. And she was really praying God would get a hold of his heart, and she let him know, like, listen, we we take any of this with us, like, let's bless, let's bless others. Like, let's not just wait till we're dead and people are fighting over this money. Like, let's live and see the good God can do with it. And little by little, God got ahold of Gary's heart and he started giving in different ways. And then he just absolutely, his heart and his faith came to life when he discovered the blessing it is when Jesus said, it's more blessed to give than to receive. And I was— just one example, I was with them in Guatemala. Our church supports an orphanage. They're called Casa Shalom. You can look up Casa Shalom. It's a great organization. They take care of about 100 kids. You can go visit, wonderful place. And we were staying there and my friend Josh, and he and his wife run the place, was showing us around and talking about their goals. And he said, right here, they'd started construction on a just a cinder block building. They were going to build out this whole building and make it like a vocational center for these kids to teach them different kinds of skills, labor jobs, so that when they kind of graduated from the orphanage, that they would have these skills. And he said, "So just be praying for us. We need about $50,000 to complete this project," and that's why it's sitting here incomplete. We built the foundation and that's all we can do right now, but we're believing God would provide. And I saw Gary and Sue just look at each other and smile. And then Gary pulled Josh aside without a lot of fanfare, without making a big announcement to the group. And he said, my wife and I'd like to write you a check to finish this building for these kids. And I just saw Josh walk over and he was weeping. Like he was crying. And I'm like, man, what's going on? And he told me what had happened, and he just said, yeah, they didn't want me telling everybody, but, uh, they just, they just paid for this whole building. And, um, man, it's going to make a life-changing difference to these kids. And I look back at Gary and Sue, and they, they just look so happy, like, that they're able to do— it's like it's brought them closer together, closer than maybe anything they've done as a couple, is the shared generosity and the blessing that comes when they can they can see God working through them with this unique gift of giving. And it doesn't take millions of dollars to be generous, by the way, because a lot of the most generous people I know don't have a lot of money. You can be generous with money, with time, with whatever you have. Generosity is a mindset. So you start where you are saying, it's all God's. We want to, you know, give to his work first. The Bible calls that a tithe. And then we want to, But we want to be wise stewards of our money to grow it God's way. And again, you know, scripture has a lot of what that looks like. It means consistency, working hard little by little, not just buying lottery tickets and hoping you hit it big, but being disciplined and strategic with it, not being frivolous with your spending. That doesn't mean you never enjoy anything. You know, I think, yeah, buy something just because it's fun sometimes, go on that trip. But it's not worth going into debt for it and then carrying around that weight. But make generosity the goal, not just surviving, not just the quality of living, but a quality of giving, because there is nothing like generosity to bring you closer to the heart of God and closer to you and your spouse together, being this world-changing duo that's able to help others through the gift of giving.

It really is. And Gary and Sue, and we've known them for years, they've been dear friends of ours for years, they've really challenged us on this and just thinking bigger and thinking, 'cause it doesn't always have to be a big grand gesture like that. I mean, even just, you know, being in line at Chick-fil-A and with your kids and you order your meal and then you ask, you know, when you're going to pay for it, the person behind you, you're like, "Well, how much is their meal behind me?" And paying for their meal. Like we do that sometimes. Our church does like a love week where they encourage people to pay it backwards, I think is what they call it, where you pay for somebody's meal behind you. And just even little things like that, it just not only reminds you of the joy of giving, but it also teaches your kids the joy of giving. And then you say, this isn't just us giving, this is— it's all God's anyway. This is God blessing that person through us. And I think just, you know, thinking outside of the box in little ways and in big ways and in ways that you dream about, like, how do we want to give someday? Like, I know in our family, You know, we, I don't know why, I'm trying to think when this first came to mind, but we just learned about how around the world there is just this epidemic, for lack of a better word, of not having clean water. You know, we take that for granted being in America, like it's nothing, but there's a lot of places in the world where they would give anything for clean water, and there's kids dying just because they don't have clean water. It's just from waterborne illness 'cause they're drinking from a place where, the only water they can get is infected with disease. And we just had this burden for this, and then we had a friend start a ministry where they go around the world and build water wells. And I was like, "Oh my gosh," and I went up to her, and I was like, this girl at our church, and I was like, "How can we get involved?" And so that was something as a family that God had, long before she ever started that ministry, had put on our heart, and then He provided a way for us to do that. And that's been something really cool to see. Not only for us, but for the kids. So like, just think about that. Like, Lord, how do you want us to give? Because when you think about that and pray about that, you come to God with open hands. You say, it's all yours anyway. It keeps your heart in the right place. And it's just a beautiful place to be as a couple too, because you're in alignment with what money really is. And you don't let money be your master. 'Cause that's where we get, you know, we get in trouble and we become miserly, right? And we wanna, just hoard our money and hold onto it and we miss out on the joy of giving.

Yeah, so don't feel like you gotta be bougie or impress people. Like Ashley yesterday, or whatever day we were traveling here, she got so many compliments on her outfit and she would just smile and say, thank you, you looked adorable as she always does. But it was 100% like consignment.

I was so excited.

It was like all used stuff and you looked—

Well, I get joy from going into a thrift store Goodwill, like I'm so excited. One of my favorite stores is either Goodwill on a good day, you know, 'cause you do have to kind of go through it, or Uptown Cheapskate, which is a consignment store. And so a lot of my closet, I trade in my clothes to get other used clothes. You literally, I like don't spend any money. And I call, remember when I got to college, I got some new blazers and I was like, what do you think I spent on these blazers today? I had to pay $3 because I went a little over, but I had like $100 worth of clothes I had turned in and I got like really nice, all these blazers, like really nice ones. So I get joy from that. Because it makes your money go further.

Yeah, saving money, make it like a game that you're trying to win. Like, I'll go into Costco, which is one of my favorite places.

We love Costco.

Because, you know, this is, this is what happens, guys, when you start getting old. You get excited about things like Costco.

It's not getting old, it's becoming a dad. It's dad life.

Dad life. I'm like just all in on dad life. So Costco, I'll go in there and like, if I got to go to get an oil change, So like Jiffy Lube's the oil change place in our area. Well, Costco has $100 gift cards for Jiffy Lube that you buy at Costco for $75. So for $75, I get $100 at Jiffy Lube. So I'll go buy that gift card. Then I'll go buy my $1.50 hot dog and soda meal at Costco. Half a pound of all beef, refillable drink, $1.50. You just feel like you're winning at life. Then I'll get online and I'll Google like, uh, Jiffy Lube coupons.

Yeah.

And you can always get at least $10, sometimes up to like $25. So you get a $25 coupon plus, you know, $25 off because of what you got on this gift card. And so for, for $50 out of pocket, I can get $100 worth of service there. It's just trying to be like creative with how to stretch, stretch money. You know, don't pay more than you have to. It just makes a difference to say, like, how can we save, save a little bit of money here? And that money that we save, we can do something else with it. It's not— yeah, it's just being resourceful. And so look for ways to be resourceful. Buy, buy used instead of new all the time. Like, we, we used to— gosh, we would always look on Craigslist or Facebook Marketplace or wherever to buy something used instead of new to save some money if we needed a new appliance or whatever. There are ways to just save some money and you can get creative about that. There are whole YouTube channels and everything else that people just giving you ideas about that. So I don't wanna belabor that point, but the main things here are the principles of saying, God, we wanna realign our thinking with what you say about money. We wanna make sure we're on the same page. We wanna make sure that everything is yours first, then ours, not his and hers. We wanna live with a spirit of generosity. And I think that could be really, really good. One episode of the Naked Marriage Podcast I'd encourage you to go back and listen to on this is we interviewed our friends, the Lodicks from Seed Time, which is a Christian stewardship ministry, and they've done a lot with XO. We've got a previous episode with them on the Naked Marriage Podcast. If you listen to that, they share some really great tips and how they went from being completely broken in debt to within a matter of less than 10 years, not only getting out of debt, but together they'd given away over $1 million.

Over $1 million, yeah. And they've still, they're still doing it.

Yeah.

It's amazing.

So the spirit of generosity, it's a great story. So check that out. And we are gonna pivot into today's question of the day. So thank you guys so much, not only for listening to this podcast, but for those who send in questions and stick around to the end to hear the question. It's often my favorite part of the episode because the questions are so good. If you want to send in a question, you can always do that by writing us on Instagram @DaveandAshleyWillis or by going to nakedmarriagepodcast.com. Today's question says this: We are saving money for a house by living temporarily with my parents. My husband hates this living arrangement and it's starting to take a toll on our marriage. We have no privacy. He feels emasculated having to live there. I'd move out and get an apartment, but then we're no closer to getting a house of our own. No option seems good. What should we do?

Wow.

Yeah, it's a great question. Right in line with what we've talked about today. You know, no matter what you choose here, you're giving up something.

That's right.

So it's what you're hard— What are you gonna, yeah, what are you gonna give up?

Man, we had to live with Dave's parents temporarily, okay?

We did.

And I'll just explain it. And I love my in-laws dearly. Like I'm very close. I was just talking to my mother-in-law before coming in to record. Like we have a really close relationship and it's a blessing. But I will tell you, that was a stressful month. Yeah. And this is with people we really get along with. Oh, and that's very low. And it was an apartment attached to their house. So we did kind of have some of our own space, though we could not, for some reason, the way the house was, it had this apartment, but all of the temperature controls were on your parents' side, and they like things a lot warmer than I like them. And I was pregnant at the time, and I was sweating it out, December in Kentucky, with sleeping with the windows open in snow. 'cause I was so burning up a lot. But I think that was the pregnancy hormones. But so I know that stress of feeling like, and I feel like it was stressful on them too. And that's something to think about is, I know it's stressful for you as a couple, but it's probably stressful on the parents too. And so think about that and give each other, all parties involved, a lot of grace.

A lot of grace.

A lot of grace.

And if you're living with them, you know, also, even if it's not comfortable for you, still have a spirit of respect and gratitude. That they don't have to let me live here.

True.

And, and this is, uh, this is generosity on their part. This is an inconvenience on them, and I want to honor their house as best I can, knowing it's not, it's not mine anymore. It's, it's their house, and they're letting us stay here. Um, if you're the parents opening up your home, you know, just saying, yeah, we're— by saying yes to this for whatever time period, we're saying make it, make it your home, like make yourself at home here. But it's going to take a lot patience on everybody. You know, we've got a, we've got a, a really fun book with XO called Married into the Family that's all about in-law relationships. I love the audiobook of that, and you can find that on Amazon. That has some great insights on how to navigate in-law relationships as a little sidebar. But coming back to this question in particular, um, you and your spouse just have to get on the same page. You have to decide, is the temporary discomfort of being here worth the value that we're gaining by saving money and what that saved money is going to help us do for our future? Or is the cost we're paying to our sanity too high a price to pay right now, where we would rather, we would rather step backwards in terms of our financial goals to just breathe the air of freedom a little sooner as it relates to our marriage? And the two of you have to decide that, right? You need to get on the same page. With that. But if you're gonna stay, then you, you got to just embrace the discomfort for whatever time period you've agreed to. And if you're going to go, then you need to embrace the, the freedom you have, but also understand that, well, we're taking a step backwards financially. You give up something either way. You just have to decide what you're willing to give up.

That's right, because it sounds like, you know, it's costing them some peace here, uh, because you don't want to live in this situation to the detriment of, number one, your marriage, but also, number two, your relationship with your in-laws and his parents. And so I think it's, it's, it's really taking a long, hard look at that and really praying like, God, make it clear for us. Like, really seeking the Lord, both of you, and really speaking openly about where you are. Because I don't know if this wife has shared this with her husband quite yet, how miserable she is. He may have no idea, and he may be much more comfortable because it's his parents. I mean, he's used to their idiosyncrasies. Like, he knows. And maybe for you, it's like this huge learning curve because, you know, knowing and loving people is so different from living in their home, you know? And then I think too, it'd be really nice, and I don't know what kind of relationship they have with the parents, but if you all could agree on just some basic ground rules, when a family can come together and just say, how are we gonna, you know, this is temporary, what would make this work best? Is there certain times of day, certain things need to happen? Are there certain chores where we take over this, you take over that? What can we do to serve you as you're letting us live here in the home? That may change the temperature a little bit, but having some, some basic ground rules can bring a lot more understanding. 'Cause I think right now she feels like she's walking on eggshells and doesn't know when this is ever going to change. And it just feels like she's trapped. And whenever we're trapped, we do not make our best decisions. And so I think just getting some understanding about where you are, being real about it, and then talking to your husband first about those ground rules. And then maybe possibly if you have that kind of relationship, bringing it to the parents and just saying, how can we make this be the best situation possible for as long as we're here because we really appreciate your hospitality and we just want this to work for all of us. We know, like, level with them. We know this is probably stressful on all of us.

Yeah.

You know, I mean, just level, be kind. But I think that you living, having to push down these feelings and just constantly being frustrated is not doing you any favors or your husband and family, extended family any favors, so.

One last tip related to that is have a spirit of gratitude and not entitlement. And when you leave, whatever point you leave, uh, do something that's generous and is a token. Not, not trying to like repay all of it because it was a gift on their part to let you stay there, right? But something generous and thoughtful, uh, as a gesture. Thank you. And what that looked like for us when we stayed with my parents for a while while we were renovating another house is after we moved out, um, you know, we, we had a contact who was, who was an artist, and we we hired him to do an oil painting of them based on their wedding photo. And so they got this, this oil painting of, of themselves from their wedding photo. And they were so surprised and they were so, uh, just taken aback. They, they loved it, I think. I mean, it's been hanging in a prominent place in their house for the last 20 years. And, uh, and when I walked by, just, I smiled and And I was so thankful that we were able to do that for them. And well, and I mean, it's just a small token. I mean, what they did for us was much more.

Oh yeah.

It was more than just a thank you. It was like, we value you, we appreciate you, we wanna honor you. Right. And here's a token of that. And so.

Exactly.

And it seemed to mean a lot to them.

It did, 'cause there were hiccups. Like I remember there was one time where there had been a miscommunication about when, the carpet cleaners were coming and we needed to make sure things were on top of the bed or the couch or whatever so he could clean. And we've somehow got the day mixed up and it really upset your mom 'cause it felt like disrespect, but really it was truly just a mix-up in the day. And we had to work through that. So like, every family goes through stuff like this. There's not something wrong with your husband's family or, I mean, no family's perfect, right? But it's like these situations just tend to bring stress and just level with each other and know that, and then find a way to show that gratitude that Dave is talking about and appreciate this temporary, okay, temporary being the key term, season, and then finding ways to find peace in it if you can. And like Dave said, if you can't, that's okay too. That just means it's maybe a little longer to get to those financial goals, but that is an option. You are not trapped. I mean, just remind yourself you're not trapped. You have options here.

So good. Friends, thanks for the great question. Thank you, Naked Nation. That's all of you who listen. We appreciate you guys so much. Write us with your questions. Also write us just to let us know what kind of topics you would like to hear us talk about here, because this show is for you. It is to help your marriage, and we appreciate you so much. God bless. We'll see you next time.

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