How You Speak to Your Spouse

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Sweet Ray Ban Meta glasses. Available at Ray Ban stores and other authorized retailers. Foreign. Hey. Welcome to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast, we undress the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love.

We are so excited about today's episode. It has everything to do with communication. We're going to talk about the power of your words. Let's dive in.

I'm so excited about today's topic because the longer we've been married and the longer we've done marriage ministry, I just get more convinced that than ever that words, the power of words is such a game changer. It is the difference, I believe, between the healthiest and happiest couples and those couples who just perpetually struggle is in how they talk to each other. And that seems so simple, and yet it's profound because if we're not paying attention to it, we are. We're missing the boat.

This is so true. And just to. To point out if Dave's voice seems sexier than usual, it is because he's been fighting off a nasty cold. So I'm kind of liking it, though, sweetie. It's like a little deeper.

Little bass in it.

I know, I know.

Sound like Morgan Freeman over here.

You were rocking it over there. No, but when it comes to the power of our words, it's so true. And, you know, we have learned this the hard way. I feel like, especially for me, just speaking for myself, there were these weird, cryptic things that I would sometimes say in the beginning of our marriage, and they weren't necessarily helpful. And, like, one thing that I always said for probably the first couple years of our marriage was Dave would, like, he'd come to me and he would say, hey, you know, I was thinking about getting together with the guys on Thursday and, like, playing some basketball. And me instead of just saying how that sounds great, you know, thanks for letting me know, or whatever. I did this weird thing where I would say, okay, sweetie, do what you want to do.

I know, it was so scary.

And I give him this weird thing.

What does that mean?

I know. It's like, you can't win. You can't win.

No, like it.

And I said it so sinisterly.

Well, and if it was something where you didn't want me to do it, or you had something else, and there would be this look in your eye, right? And it was like a test, this weird test that I felt like I was going to fail either way, you would. You look and say, right, just do what you want to do, dad.

And you'd say, but is it okay? I'm like, do what you want to do?

What does that mean? No, but wasn't helpful early on. In a marriage, it's kind of like learning to dance with somebody. You're going to step on each other's toes quite a bit, whether you mean to or not. And it's part of just the rhythm of learning each other. But the longer you're married and hopefully starting at the beginning with some healthy habits, you've just got to commit to total honesty in your words, but also to kindness, to thoughtfulness, to tenderness in your words. I think that comfort around somebody can very quickly just let us put our guard down. And that part can be good because it can lead to intimacy. But I'm talking about putting your guard down in terms of not giving each other kindness or respect or tenderness, because you're just thinking, it's not important. It doesn't matter. And so we'll go all day and we'll give kindness to other people. We'll say please and thank you. We'll use tenderness and respect in the tone of our voice. And then we'll get home and just plop down on the couch and be like, oh, my gosh, you know, it was a. It was a bad day, and we just kind of have this kind of sharp tone with each other the rest of the night. And so I just want to challenge those who are listening, and I want to challenge myself, too, to really be conscious of the way. The way we talk. Not only the words themselves, which is what we're talking about, but the tone of your words. The tone of your words will create the tone of your marriage. And if the tone in your marriage has become cold or in any way disrespectful or critical as opposed to encouraging, I think you've got to take a step back and say, wait a second. I don't know how we got here. And it doesn't matter how we got here. What matters is how do we start here and carve out a new path moving forward where there is kindness and respect and encouragement in everything we're saying to each other?

It's so true. And I think another. Another kind of tone in the Words that we use. This is kind of hand in hand, is we definitely don't want to take on a condescending point of view with our spouse. Like, we're. Every time we're talking to them, we're like, well, let me explain this to you. And, you know, I am so much smarter than you, and I'm just gonna, you know, dumb this down for you, because clearly, I'm just the genius of the relationship. Like, that kind of dynamic is toxic. And I might sound pretty passionate about this, because I've walked through this with several friends of mine, and it's like, as one who is. Who wants to see husbands and wives treat each other with respect, it literally, like, and this can be a man or a woman doing this, And I've seen it on both ends, and it literally makes me cringe. And I wanna, like, sit down and be like, guys, it does not have to be this way. But the truth about this, when you're in that kind of condescending dynamic, is that the person who's being condescending usually does not even realize they're being condescending.

No. They're so aloof. You turn into Ron Burgundy, and it's like, let me tell you how it is. And clearly, you don't know. Right. And. And it's. There's an arrogance to it, a pride.

So arrogant.

And really, pride is the root of pretty much every marriage issue. Yes. I mean, pride is the soil where all other sin takes root. It's that mindset that says, my way is the best way. I don't have anything to learn from anybody. And. And I'm clearly the smart one in this relationship. And, gosh, if you ever take that mindset on, you are. You are in a big hole of your own digging that you're going to have to find your way out of through humility, through. Through swallowing your pride and saying, oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry that I've come across that way, and I want to work toward healing because of the wounds that I've caused. And you gotta be extra conscious and extra mindful of everything you're saying to each other. I mean, the text messages you send, the words you speak to each other on the phone, your level of engagement in conversations, your tendency to criticize versus your tendency to encourage is your default mode when you are talking to your spouse, pointing out things they need to do or things that they're doing wrong. Or is it to praise them, to thank them, to encourage them? And if it's. If it's not the latter. If you're not being the encourager, then you need. You need to say, wait a second, I'm. I'm doing this wrong. It's not my job to constantly correct my spouse.

Right.

It's my job to build them up.

It's so true. So just to get down to kind of, well, what are those words that can be harmful and how can we change it? Here's some phrases that. That I think we can fall into the habit of saying, and then I'm gonna provide kind of what we can say instead that will bring out the best in our spouse and, you know, be better communication and also keep our relationship healthier. So, like, first of all, and I was guilty of this in the beginning of our marriage, saying, calm down. And I know we mean well when.

We say this, but it's never helped. Calm down.

No, it just makes us mad. And so some things we can say instead are like, how can I help you? You know, or even asking the question is, you know, are you okay? What happened? Like, just ask more questions, because clearly something happened to make them upset. And so just giving them this, like, command to calm down, it doesn't help the problem at all. You know, we talk all the time about having a naked marriage. We talk about this on this podcast in our book, because it's all about that emotional vulnerability and being able to tell each other the honest truth. But when you say calm down, you're just shutting down communication. And you're also saying how you feel is not right. And it doesn't matter, because it's not how I feel, and it's not how I would approach the situation. And it's very demoralizing to your spouse. So instead, say, how can I help you? That's a really good. It's always good to come from a posture of help. And it goes a long way.

How you approach the situation, the power of your words, it makes all the difference, because the same situation, and essentially you're trying to get the same answer. But how you approach it, how you word it, it can either diffuse the problem, or it can throw gasoline on the fire.

Exactly. I love that image. And it's the truth. Another thing is you can say, get over it, you know, oh, man, that's.

The kiss of death.

It is the kiss of death. And, like. And I know we can get frustrated and we can say like, we've been through this so many times. You just need to get over this. Because we get frustrated and we don't know what else to say. But instead we can say, I can see this has been really hard for you, or if it's something you did to them and they're not getting over it and they're really trying, but they're having a hard time. You can say, I'm so sorry that I hurt you. And it validates their feelings. It validates that what you did was wrong and that you're working to regain their trust and to heal the relationship. So that's another way to do that. This is a good one too. And I'm getting this, by the way, from my cousin Shara shared this. She does social work and occupational therapy.

Hey, Shara.

Thanks, Shara. She shared this and so I just wanted to share it with you guys. She had this amazing thing on Facebook. So another thing is you tell your spouse you're okay, like you're assuming you're okay and just instead of asking them, are you okay? I think that's so good because it switches that where you're letting them put it in their own words instead of you saying, no, no, you're okay, you're okay. Like, that's basically like saying, get over it, right?

It's what you say to a 2 year old to like help them through a tantrum. And so whenever you find yourself slipping into talking to your spouse the way you would talk to a toddler, right. It's time to take a step back and say, wait a second, you know, this is, this is my partner, this is my best friend. You know, this is my equal in every way. And, and I want to always approach them as such, with that, that level of respect. So yeah, just being sensitive, being caring, it comes back to the golden rule. You know, treat others the way you want to be treated. Talk to your spouse the way that a way that's going to bring out the best in them because you want them to talk to you in the same way. Now real quick about the golden rule, that doesn't mean that, well, everything that I want means that they should want the exact same things. And so therefore I'm going to say to them exactly the things that I feel like I would want in the same situation. Because you and your spouse are different. So really the golden rule isn't talk to your spouse as if you're talking to your clone, but find out what brings out the best in them and then do that and then encourage them to do things that bring out the best in you.

It's so true. And there's this other phrase that I just feel like is so huge and especially when you're caught in a dynamic where you feel like you're fighting all the time, you can get to a point where you say something like this, I'm over it, or, I'm over this. And that basically is another way that you shut down communication. It doesn't promote peace. It doesn't promote understanding. So instead, something you can say is, I'm here for you. And, you know, the bottom line is we can be here for each other and not fully understand how our spouse feels. We can be here for each other and not yet be on the same page. You know, we're working towards getting on the same page, but sometimes that takes some time. Sometimes that takes days, even months, you know, working through it. That's why we talk about, you know, when you get to a stalemate where you're, like, not moving forward, you need to bring someone else in who can help you work towards getting on the same page. But you can be here, you know, for one another in the process. And so, you know, go to a Christian counselor, talk through it and through it. Instead of making accusations and saying, I'm over this. I'm done. You know, it's basically saying, like, I'm not going to work towards healing anymore.

Yeah.

Instead you say, I'm here for you, and I'm working to understand this more.

That's so true. And it gives your spouse the space they need to process.

Right.

And it promotes. It promotes respect. You know, it makes the problem better instead of worse. That's. And that's. That's what our goal should always be.

Right. I think another thing is we tend to say, and I've done this to Dave. And I'm laughing because so many times I think we can all. We all struggle with this because we're different people and we react differently. And so we can end up saying things that don't promote healing. And something I used to say a lot was like, when Dave would be upset about something, I would tell him, sweetie, don't get upset. And in my mind, I was like, well, I'm just trying to help him here. I'm trying to tell him, oh, it's not a big deal.

You were trying to be kind and to situations. But. But.

No, every time he'd say, am I not allowed to get upset? Like, that's what you would ask me. You'd say, sweetie, I mean, sometimes I'm gonna get upset. Am I not allowed to? And I would kind of be like, well, of course. Sure. You know, like, it would kind of bring me back to Reality, like, yeah, we all get upset sometimes. And, you know, from this information that I'm sharing with you, they suggested to say something like, you know, hey, I get it. It's okay. It's okay to feel the way that you're feeling. It's okay to be disappointed. It's okay. Just kind of validating, giving them a.

Safe place instead of trying to tell them what they should be feeling in that moment, which even when we mean well, when we're doing that, it rarely, rarely works. So, again, kind of a main theme that we're coming back to here is something that comes straight out of the Bible, the book of James, specifically, where the Bible says there is the power of life and death in the tongue. And it talks about just how, you know, a forest fire can happen from the spark, a tiny spark, and a big ship can be moved by a tiny rudder. And how your whole life, or in this case, your whole marriage can be shaped by this kind of tiny, tiny part of your body, the tongue, the mouth. And in doing that, we've got to be so careful of where we're leading our marriage, because our words, every word that we speak carelessly, flippantly, it has power. And so we've got to be intentional about every word. Jesus talked a lot about this, really. It's a theme throughout Scripture, right? God spoke the world into existence with his words, and then he created us in his image, and he gave us great power in our words. And then I think we've downplayed that. We say things like, well, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. The truth is, sticks and stones will only break your bones. The deepest wounds most of us have ever had have come through someone's words. And just like the greatest gifts we've been given have come through someone's blessing in their words. Many of our mentors who are listening. Jimmy Evans has taught us all so much. He's the founder, of course, of marriage today, the ministry of which we're a part. He has a powerful message on this that he was doing at this year's exo marriage conferences called training your mouth for marriage. And I've heard that. That talk several times. And each time I'm just, like, mentally scribbling down as many notes as I can because he masterfully unpacks kind of the biblical roadmap for how and why we need to be training our mouth for marriage when we do the difference that it makes. In fact, his talk was. Was a big inspiration on us, wanting to do an Entire Naked Marriage podcast episode around this topic.

Right.

Because it's such a big deal. And I think that we, we miss the mark on it sometimes because we're looking at all these other things, not realizing the power of just simply speaking to one another with kindness and respect.

It's so true. And I just want to make the point too. You know, maybe in your marriage right now, there's just not a lot of exchanging words because you're at that point of apathy where you don't even know what to say anymore and you feel like whenever you use words that they're meant to hurt. Like both of you end up hurting each other. So you've stopped using words. And I just want to say right now I understand the frustration, but just shutting down communication altogether is not going to help anything. In fact, it will make you grow further and further apart. So you need to use your words. You know, we tell our kids this all the time. Use your words. You know, I was just telling my 4 year old this morning, Chatham, use your words. Because, you know, we can't just figure stuff out from grunts and eye rolls. You know, we've got to figure out what's really going on inside their heart. And it's the same way in marriage. We've got to use our words. And if we're having a hard time using kind words, sometimes it helps to write them down. And then, you know, I know we talked about this briefly before, but writing down your words is so powerful. I was just talking to a friend of mine on the phone who's kind of in a tough part in her marriage. And she said recently she had been writing down kind of what she loves about her marriage currently and what she hopes to change. And she said, you know, it was such a great exercise because she said, I actually redid it several times because it really got to the heart of what it is that I would like improvement in the marriage. And then she's working with the counselor. The counselor had asked her, you know, what can you do? You know, what is it that you can do to help with those improvements that you're wanting to see in your marriage? And so it's a great exercise sometimes, especially when you are having a hard time using kind words, just write em down and then redo it and then exchange it. Let each other think about it and then come together and talk in a very calm, respectful way. And I promise you, this is a great process. It's really good individually, but it also goes a long way to promote healing collectively and so use your words. And I want to say this, too. In the marriage ministry that we've done over the past eight years, we've had a lot of times where we've seen couples at crucial points in their marriage where the right words and the most timely words meant everything.

Oh, yeah.

And there was a moment in particular that Dave walked through with some dear friends of ours where the words were everything that the wife said to the husband.

Yeah. And to give you kind of the nutshell version of that, there'd been a tragedy in their family where they'd actually lost a daughter. And the husband felt responsible because. Because of that. He felt like it was a.

It was on his watch.

Yeah, it was kind of on his watch. And kind of in the aftermath of that, when the wife could have just been screaming in anger or blaming him, you know, she was rubbing his back and over and over again, just using the power of her words to build him up with tears in her own eyes. Just saying, you're such a good dad. You're such a good dad. I love you so much. And I was so profoundly touched by witnessing that, even in that moment of incredible grief. And I was reminded by the power of. Of our words to speak life or to speak death. And. But because she chose to speak encouragement in that moment of such vulnerability. Right. That was, I believe, the real difference maker. That put them on a path to healing and walking together instead of walking separately through the greatest tragedy that they will ever face in their life. And so in big things and in little things, just remember, guys, that your words have tremendous power. The way you speak to your spouse and the way you speak to your kids, if you have kids in the house, those words will create that tone in your home. And so make your home the safest place on earth for everyone who lives there. Make it the most uplifting place on earth for everyone who lives there, because there is such profound power in your words. That's our time on the Word Talk. But don't turn that dial, as they used to say, because we've got our Q and A time coming up, which is honestly my favorite part of these podcast episodes is the questions you send in and being able to answer them. And so just a minute. In just a minute, we're going to jump into this week's question, and it's a great one.

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Hey, welcome into Walgreens.

Hi there. Hey.

All right, hon. I'll grab the gift wrap cards and, oh, those stuffed animals the girls want.

Great. And I'll grab the string lights and some. How about I grab some cough drops? This is not just a quick trip to Walgreens.

I'm fine, honey.

Well, just in case. You know what they say, tis the season. This is help staying healthy through the holidays. Walgreens.

All right, it's time for our Q and A of the day, and we always love this part. Thank you guys so much for sending in your questions. If you want to send in a question, you can send it in@nakedmarriagepodcast.com all right, here it is. It says, hey, y', all, and I love that. I just started listening to the podcast about two weeks ago and it's my new favorite now to give you an idea. I follow and regularly listen to over 50 podcasts while I ride horses. LOL. I'm loving the question section at the end of your podcast and was wondering if y' all will have addressed it and I haven't heard it yet or if you can answer this. My husband and I have been married a bit over a year now, and I want to bring up the scary topic of kids, and we have a very good open communication type of relationship, but this one is so hard for me to bring up. I think I'm worried because he's not ready because life isn't perfect in quotation marks. He is the type to want to wait for life to basically tell us it's time to. And that's not going to happen. Any suggestions on how to breach this topic in a casual way without it being such a major moment? Thanks for having such a wonderful resource for helping people in marriage. Love y' all and hope to see y' all at an event sometime. We are only a few hours away. Thank you so much for that question and we hope to see you at the event, too. So, sweetie, what do you think about this bringing up the topic of kids? You know, they're newlyweds. They want to have children, but she can tell there's some hesitancy, you know, when it comes to her husband. Like, he wants things to be Perfect.

Yeah, I get that. And I think that on one hand, it's good to be prudent and to be a planner and all that.

Absolutely.

But you gotta be able to talk openly about anything in marriage. Like, there shouldn't be any topic where you're nervous to bring it up around each other. And I think some of that is just learning each other. And as newlyweds, it's okay that you're still kind of learning. Learning each other.

Absolutely.

So don't feel guilty about that. But the goal here is to be able to talk about kids or sex or anything with just complete openness and honesty, to be able to share what you're both feeling, to not try to, like, condemn each other or judge each other for how you're feeling or push each other, but to really be honest about it and to tell him what you're feeling and ask him what he's feeling. And so I would just bring it up casually to just say, like, you know, I can't wait to have kids someday. If you were writing the script, when would you pick to start having children?

Right.

And just dive straight into it. You know, there's no. There's no perfect time to start the conversation. You just dive straight into it. And, you know, maybe from there some more clarity would pop up. But there's never going to be a perfect time. While I say there's a good. It's good to be a planner. Nobody ever feels ready to have kids. And the people that feel like they're ready, they're the ones that aren't ready the most because they're going into it blindly. I heard somebody said before I had kids, I had. I had two different theories on how to raise kids. Now I have two kids and no theories because none of it works. But, you know, I'm figuring out they're all so different and they're such a gift. It's not going to be anything like you imagine, but it's going to be way better. But there's. And harder. But there's no way to fully prepare for it. You can do certain things, financially and otherwise, to, you know, to give a little bit of a foundation and you can enjoy some time together the way we did. We had the first four years of our marriage was just us before we started our family. And I'm really thankful for that time. But there's just simply no perfect set of circumstances. I think that you both just have to pray together, talk together, and go from there.

That's right. Just being open and, you know, if you bring it up and he's, you know, hesitant and he maybe has like a grimace on his face and, or nervous talking about it. I would say, hey, listen, why do you think, you know, the thought of having kids makes you nervous? What is it? Is it the financial part of it? Is it the physical, you know, exhaustion that, you know, is going to come with raising kids, especially in those early years? You know, what is it? Are you unsure about what kind of parent you're gonna be? And just reassure him, you know, reassure him and say, listen, there's never a perfect time, you know, if we can maybe save this amount of money, would that make you feel better if we have this in the bank so that we can kind of pad our finances, so to speak, for some of those things that come up with children, you know, or maybe we can go to a parenting class and it can bring you more peace about what it is to be a parent. But just like Dave said, I mean, there really is no perfect time. But I think if you can remove some of those topics that maybe do bring on some anxiety for your husband, that may go a long way in helping him to come to terms with having kids, because it sounds like he does want kids. It's the timing part of it. And so this gives you guys both a great excuse to have an honest, heart to heart conversation. So don't shy away from it. Go ahead and do it. And thank you so much for your question. And thank you guys so much for tuning in to today's episode. Remember, if you'd like to have more of these kind of talks where they're open and honest and you want to learn more on how to strengthen your marriage, you can always go to XO now, which is our streaming service. It's like Netflix for your marriage and you will love it.

It's great stuff. And you can find out more about that@xomarriage.com now xomarriage.com is where you can find all our live events. Just put a slash now at the end and it will take you to where you can find a full library, like Ashley said, of some incredible marriage resources from Jimmy Evans, from us, and from countless others. It really is something great, great to add to your marriage arsenal. And if you want to send us a question like the one we just answered, go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com you can connect with us there. Also find us Dave and Ashley Willis on Instagram, on Facebook. Wherever you are, reach out to us. We'd love to hear from you. Thank you so much for listening. As always, thanks to the whole team at Marriage Today. Our, our team here, our ministry that we're part of, for helping to produce this. If you're not listening to the other podcasts in the network, the XO Podcast and Marriage, Marriage Today, be a great one to listen to. So thanks to the team here, thanks to our producer, Brittany Wilcox, thanks to our audio engineer, Chris Stetson, thanks to all the many people who make this possible, and thanks to you for listening and for spreading the word and for helping us reach around the globe with this message of building stronger marriages. God bless, guys. We'll see you next time.