I Don't Want To Be My Spouse's Parent // Hump Day Q&A

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You know what time it is sweetie?

It's Hump day Q and A time.

Hump day Q and A. Hump day Q and A. Welcome to the Naked Marriage Podcast. Hump Day Q and A. We love answering your questions, so every Wednesday we're dropping a special podcast episode focused on one of your questions. Every you can submit your own marriage related question online@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or by sending us a message on Instagram aveandashleywillis. We've got a great question today, so let's dive in. I work 12 plus hours a day and my husband only works about six to eight hours a day. While I'm away from home, I leave to do lists and errands for him. He is just so forgetful and can be so blind to what needs to be done around the house. These lists have been helpful and he gets way more done for us. He was always cared for and cleaned up after by his mother. My hope is that he'll begin to see what cleaning needs to be done and bills need to be paid without me having to tell him, is this unhealthy? How can I avoid this turning into a chores like assignment from a parent to a child? Thank you. All right, so it's a great question and you know, a dynamic a lot of people can be in just with different work schedules. And we've talked to a lot of folks who have different work schedules and because of that kind of the spouse who's at home more, you know, might just by nature being at home more might have more that needs to be done around the house. But how do you navigate this without one spouse being the one who's just assigning chores like a parent to a child? How do you tackle this as partners and not as the parent child that we talked about in that episode?

I mean, I think it's a great question but I can tell kind of from her question like the description of the dynamic right now. He's not exactly self motivated to do this and it doesn't sound like either he resents it. So I personally don't, I don't think a list is a terrible thing. I think where it Gets really bad is if you're harping on the list, making him feel bad if you forgot one thing on the list. I think where we have to really watch the parent dynamic coming in is it's just being, you know, respectful in a spouse way. Not like patting him on the head, like, good job, little buddy, for completing your chores. I mean, that's where it can kind of become parent child. But I think if your husband does really seem to see the chores that need to be done, because some people are just okay with laundry all over the floor or they're okay with, you know. And I can tell, like, she's wanting something.

And frankly, I'm that guy. Like, I'm. She's very delicately trying to not throw me under the bus. I am the slob in our relationship.

I wouldn't say slob.

No. My gosh, if the way that I lived before we got together now, I.

Will say it was rough. It was rough when you were on your own.

Yeah, it really, really was. And I have, like, just an amazingly high tolerance for things being unorganized and whatever. And she is the cleanest person I know. And so I've really tried to rise to her standard because I know that it's important to her. But even still, the weight of some of that still falls on her. Just because I'm not very good around the house.

But you're willing to.

I'm willing to do whatever. Like, I'm willing to do.

And you'd rather me tell you exactly what needs to be done?

I'll just say, tell me what you need me to do. But even in that, I think we have, you know, we try to be careful for it not to just be like, here's your list, and go, you know, go do this.

And I think that's where this wife is really wise in trying to make sure that they're not falling into that. Because if it becomes like, you know, she's the one always calling the shots and always saying what needs to be done, that becomes very motherly. And you don't want that because you need to be partners. You need to be sharing the responsibility. And so, you know, I think it's important to have a conversation with your husband, if you haven't already, and say, like, listen, I give you these lists because I know that you may not see what needs to be done, but I want you to know that we're partners in this. And so maybe even ask him, like, is there something that I could be doing?

Exactly. I think that's huge. It Might come to the point where it would be worth investing in a housekeeper.

Exactly.

Somebody that you can just give kind of very direct orders to in an employee kind of relationship. Because whenever, you know, it's, again, it's that fine line of making sure that even when we're kind of giving tasks to each other. And it's never in a parent child dynamic. It's never in a boss employee kind of dynamic. It's like, hey, here's the stuff that just kind of needs to be done. You know, you're home more this week. Could you help with this? I think it's also being sensitive to each other's love languages. I would guess that the person who wrote this message, their primary love language, might be acts of service. Like, when you do specific things for me, it makes me feel loved and protected by you. Find out what your husband's love language is and make sure that you're really working to meet that. It might not be acts of service. He might not care about you.

It could be words of affirmation saying, like, I, I appreciate you doing all this. I know it's not easy. I'm at work a little longer than you. But I know you're working hard at home, too. So it's not belittling the fact that he does work less in a work environment than you. But what he's doing is just as important. Cause the home has to keep on going.

It has. Yeah. Or maybe his is physical touch. And, you know, you surprise him with some sexy lingerie after he's been working on that list, and that'll motivate him to work even harder the next day. I promise you that.

It's just important to have these conversations where you really can play to each other's strengths and make sure that there's no. There's just not this, you know, mother trying to tell her child what to do. Or even kind of like I said, like, you know, patting him on the head, like, oh, you know, you did the little things that.

Or punishing him in some way, or.

Punishing him if he didn't do it exactly how you wanted it to.

You left all these things off the list. That's where resentment can build, and there has to be a lot of respect.

Thank you all so much for listening to today's episode of Hump Day Q. We love getting your questions, and we want to answer your question. So if you go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com you can submit your question right there, or you can follow us on Instagram. Avanashleywillis and you can give us your questions right there by giving us a dm. So we'll catch you next time on Hump Day. Q and A.