I Want My Spouse To Be Healthy // Hump Day Q&A

Foreign. You know what time it is, sweetie?

It's hump day. Q and A time.

Hump day, Q and A. Hump day Q and A. Welcome to the Naked Marriage Podcast. Hump day Q and A. We love answering your questions, so every Wednesday we're dropping a special podcast episode focused on one of your questions. You can submit your own marriage related question online@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or by sending us a message on Instagram aveandashleywillis. We've got a great question today, so let's dive in.

I'd love to get your advice and thoughts on physical appearance fitness in marriage. I've been struggling a lot with my husband's lack of desire to be healthy, both in his diet, but also getting exercise. I don't want to sound vain by any stretch, but it's less about weight gain, but more about showing up for us as his best self and wanting to live a healthy, strong life for our future family. While I am consistently working out, walking the dog, et cetera, he isn't doing any of that. It has caused me to feel frustration towards him and lack of desire for intimacy. Thank you for all you do listening to your podcast, praying God's blessing over your ministry. Thank you so much for that question. And I think that's a great, honest question that so many people can relate to.

Yeah, yeah, no, it really, really is. And it's a delicate balance.

It is.

Because on one hand, as a spouse, we're called to like, challenge each other toward better things. But on the other hand, we're also called to love our spouse right as they are and to encourage them and let them know, I love you just as you are, while also helping them become their best self. And so finding that balance where you're helping him while not crushing him by making him feel like, well, I'm not good enough for her, she's not attracted to me. It's a tough place to be for both. I mean, I totally get where she's coming from and the frustration she's feeling, but it's a delicate situation.

It is delicate. And Dave and I can totally relate to this. I mean, you guys, through the course of our almost 20 year marriage, I've probably had about a 30 to 40 pound swing.

I'll be honest.

And this is not counting pregnancy, okay?

No, no. And I've not been pregnant since that I know of. And I've had probably a 40 pound swing, so without a baby. So I was really, really working overtime. We've had some chubby Days. And you know what?

Secretly, I'm laughing in here because it's just the truth.

I loved the chubby days because more to love, man. Yeah, there was more to love. I was just a squishy love machine, I guess. I don't know. Not really. I felt pretty bad. But I also enjoyed eating potato skins at midnight. And so it's like, you gotta live sometimes, I guess. But I will say that throughout our marriage, we've tried to find that balance of, like, being able to just love each other. Right. Right where we were in whatever situation we were in and truly meaning it. Like, hey, you're. I'm so attracted to you right now. Just as you.

Well, you would always reassure me, because I always, like, when I felt extra voluptuous, which that's what Dave would call it because I would just call it fat, but he would call it voluptuous. I would just be like, oh, you know, I'd have a day where I was eating potato skins at midnight, and then I'd be like, oh, I'm so overweight. And he's like, sweetie, you just. You're beautiful. And he would make me feel good.

I meant it.

And I know you meant it. You're like, it's just variety. And I'm like, okay. But it made me feel good. Because let me tell you something. Shaming somebody for their body is not motivating.

Oh, man. Yeah.

It's never motivating. And I've learned this the hard way because, Dave, I've always loved your body, no matter what. But there was this one season, actually, right after we moved to Texas, we both had gained weight. That was about two years ago. We were talking with this about with our friends last night, but we both put on a little weight, I think just eating, stressing. We're both. Because moves are hard. Yes, we are.

Yes, we are. And so, like, we'll just. We'll comfort each other over a pint of ice cream and.

Well, not for me. It's not for you, it's ice cream. For me. It's honey wheat pretzels. It's Cape Cod, Kettle chips.

Yeah.

Anything crunchy I do.

But I like the ice cream.

And you guys know who listen to the podcast? He hates my crunching. So we may eat this separately. Like, he's eating ice cream in one room. I'm eating my pretzels and loving it in the other room along with my ice chips. But, you know. So, yes, we are stress eaters. But I will tell you, I went through this phase after we Realized, oh, we've put on this weight. We need to do something. And I was like, let's do keto. Let's both do it. And I was kind of militant about it. I, like, stopped buying anything that Dave loved. And, yeah, he hated it. I was so bad.

It was not a joint decision.

It was, like, that was wrong with me. I'm sorry.

We're doing keto, and here's what we've learned is, like, we can join each other in health journeys, but neither of us can ever force the other to do anything. And when we try, we can't force.

The framework, the way in which we do it.

Like, when Ashley said, oh, we're doing keto, or we're doing. Doing this program or this thing, and we're gonna do it together, like, for us, that always backfires. But when we each individually find a rhythm that works for us and then support each other in that, then we found that that's been great. And part of how we've joined each other in that is, like, we talk about this a lot. We go on a long walk together pretty much every day. And that not only is one aspect of, like, our health, but that's something we both enjoy that helps keep us connected. And we're not monitoring what the other one is eating or doing anything weird. Like, that's never, ever, ever been good for us. We just kind of cheer each other on and whatever the other is doing and try to encourage healthy habits. We also try to, like, live and enjoy some junk food together, too, sometimes. But in whatever season you're in, you have to start with encouragement. Your spouse has to know, first and foremost, I love you. I'm drawn to you. I'm attracted to you. I adore you. I'm committed to you. I want good things for you. That has to be where every conversation starts, and then, you know, and then go from there. I know you're. You're talking specifically about, like, lack of sex drive, lack of desire for intimacy because you're frustrated by him or you're, you know, maybe even though it's a word you didn't use, even, like, disgusted by. By either his. His body or by the habits he's taken on. And you're not drawn to him because you see him as not taking initiative and those things that you're drawn to. And if he doesn't care, why should you care? And I get that mindset, too. But what we have to realize in marriage is it's never our job to change our spouse. It's our job to love our spouse and to help encourage them. And God's the only one, along with that person themselves, who can ever change a person. And so you keep loving and asking God to do a work in your heart to say, like, lord, look, while I'm waiting on my husband to hopefully adopt some healthier habits, help me be his biggest encourager. You know, help me cheer him on in things he's doing now, instead of making him feel like my love is conditional in some ways. And give me a desire for him. Even in this state right now, give me a desire for him. And I believe that God will start right where you are. He won't wait for your husband to have abs. You guys can. Because if that's the criteria, then Ashley would never have been attracted to me. I've always had a little laundry on the washroom.

You know, I'm a leg woman.

I love. Oh, yeah.

Well, you talked about this.

You do like my legs.

It's an ongoing joke in the family. I told Dave, seriously, I said, if you could have a mold made of your leg, like, into a charm, I would wear it around my neck. And that's probably the creepiest thing I've ever said.

I've looked into it.

It's our audio near. Our audio engineer and producer think we're weirdos. But it's an ongoing joke in our.

Family because, oh, they're not even attractive legs, is why I don't get it. It's. Cause, like, the bottom half is tan, the top half's totally white. There's way too. It's like, I don't get the appeal, but I'm glad you like them.

I love them, but that's neither here nor there. But the truth is, I think, you know, with this wife who's written in. I know we've had a lot of laughter here, but it is a real issue. And I do think it really does start with really asking God to change your perspective. Because here's the deal. What if your husband never changes? You know, we can't just keep on holding out this hope that he's suddenly gonna wanna have abs or whatever it is. And so, you know, just loving him right where he is in the season that he's in and really not focusing so much on the physical, but really the good attributes he has that aren't ph. Like how he loves your kids if you have kids, or how hard he works at his job, or how he does these sweet little things for you and just clinging to that. Because I think sometimes we can become so hyper focused on these little things that we wish would change that we stop seeing the good things. We stop seeing the really amazing man that he is. And so I just challenge you to really kind of refocus your mind on.

That and don't believe the lie that you cannot have a great marriage if, if he's not in great shape, you know?

Oh, my gosh.

Yes. I'm telling you, some of the happiest couples I know, they don't care a thing about, about their, their diet or their exercise. I think we should all work towards health and all of that. But just know that, like, it's God's plan for love and marriage is, is so much deeper than what we, than the superficial. Right? You know, Bible says God looks, the world looks at the outer appearance. God looks at the heart. And I think that in marriage, we have to look at the heart first too. And then, you know, attraction comes from that. It's like our hearts being drawn to each other.

Thank you all so much for listening to today's episode of Hump Day Q and A. We love getting your questions and we want to answer your question. So if you go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com you can submit your question right there. Or you can follow us on Instagram avanashleywillis and you can give us your questions right there by giving us a dm. So we'll catch you next time on Hump Day Q and A.