I'm Not Attracted to My Spouse

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Welcome to the Naked Marriage podcast. We're Dave and Ashley Willis. On this podcast, we undress the truth about about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. Broadcasting from the XO Marriage studio in South Lake, Texas, the marriage capital of the world.

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He's very proud of it.

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So today, and many of you guys have written to us about this, and so this is a real issue, and I'm so glad that this podcast has become a safe place to talk about the real issues. What do you do when you just don't feel attracted to your spouse anymore or when you feel that your spouse isn't attracted to you anymore? So many people feel like they're in that dynamic, and it's a delicate place to be. But we hope today's episode brings you some hope and some practical encouragement. So let's dive in.

Oh, well, this topic today is a tough one. And that is, what do you do when you don't feel attracted to your spouse any longer? And, you know, this can be a really frustrating place to be. We've actually received a lot of mail that has to do with this, a lot of emails, and every time I read it, it just breaks my heart. And I think there's a lot of ways we can end up in this position, and we're talking about that, but we're also going to talk about what do you do? I mean, what do you actually do because you want to be attracted to them. And so, yeah, how do you want to start it off, sweetie?

You go for it. I was hoping you'd have the answer. I was totally content to just let you handle this whole episode because this is, you know, it's complicated. And I was like, yes, it really, really is. And so, first off, for the person, really the people who've written us, thank you for having the courage to write us. And we want to be a safe place to have even the awkward conversations, right? And they're going to be different seasons of your marriage, different time. They're going to. Even if you're like super attracted to your spouse, there are going to be moments where you aren't. Like for instance, today at lunch. Well, I was eating and when I eat lately and this is just like the old man and me coming out. And I just feel badly for Ashley for what she's going to have to deal with as I get older. But as I eat, sometimes I'll get something like stuck on the side of my mouth. And it will just stay there for, for a while until finally when she can't look at it anymore, she'll say, do you even feel that thing on your face?

I don't say it like that.

No, she didn't. She doesn't at all. She's very, very sweet, actually. She's really sweet. I'm exaggerating for dramatic effect, but even then she's really sweet. But she's like, sweetie, do you know, can you not feel, do you feel.

The chunks hanging off your mouth?

There's something big hanging on your face. And I'm like. And the sad part is I usually do feel it and just have not. You don't care. I just haven't wiped it away. And in those moments, like, I can see in her eyes right at this moment, she's not attracted to me.

Oh, sweetie. Oh my goodness, no.

But that's, you know, joking aside, that's not what we're talking about when these people write. And it's really an honest and even a gut wrenching place where they'll either say, I'm, for whatever reason, I don't feel attracted to my spouse, or we'll hear from the other spouse that says, I just feel like my spouse is not attracted to me. And it's heartbreaking and, and I feel it from the fact that they ignore me or maybe their eyes are wandering other places or maybe they're not interested in me sexually anymore. It feels like. And it's a deep and intimate rejection, the most intimate of rejections to feel that from your spouse. And so what do we do with that exactly?

And I wanna start with kind of how we get there. And I think that if you're listening to this or watching this on YouTube and you're like, that's me. I've never written you guys. I've never even said it out loud, but I've definitely thought it. I just don't feel attracted to my spouse. I want you to ask yourself some questions, I want you to ask your first and foremost, you know, am I looking at someone else or whether it's an actual person or someone else's life and longing for something I don't have? And could that be why I'm currently unattracted to my spouse? And, you know, and that could be the reason. And if your answer is no to that, then I would go to another question and think, is there something in particular my spouse has been doing lately that I find to be a turn off? And, you know, with both of those questions that you can think about, maybe there's both of those going on and you're exceptionally like, you're like, I really am unattracted to my spouse right now. But, you know, ask yourself those questions and then be willing to be honest with your spouse. So especially when it comes to that second question about is there something your spouse is doing that you find unattractive? You need to tell them about it in a loving way because they probably don't even know they're doing it. And so here you are just finding them disgusting and not being attracted to them anymore, and they're happy as pie, not even knowing it's going on half the time. And that feeling of being disgusted by them or being unattracted to them is only building up into you, and it's kind of like you're holding it against them when really, if you haven't told your spouse this, they have no way of even fixing it if they can. You know, there's some things that can't be fixed, I guess, that you're unattracted to, but odds are a lot of those things can be. And if it's a habit they have, or maybe how they're talking to you lately, or maybe they did something that was wrong to you and it really just caused you to see them in a different light. You need to talk to them about it. And it starts with just being super honest, but in a really loving way. And you know, we talk about this all the time, but I would even say in this conversation you need to start it out by saying, listen, I know you probably don't realize you do this, but when you do this thing, it just turns me off. And I don't wanna feel turned off to you like I want. I just, I wanna feel so close to you and attracted to you. But when you do this thing or when you, you know, maybe it's cleanliness, like, you know, you go in days on end without showering or Maybe they don't. Maybe they went to natural deodorant that isn't working and they're just stinky. I mean, it could be. I'm not knocking natural deodorant. Let me tell you guys, not all of them work. I just wanna put that out there, FYI. Check it out. It's a real thing. I've tried it too. I've tried it. All right, so like, maybe it is like a cleanliness or a smell or something. You gotta tell him and say, listen, you probably don't realize it, but this is a huge turnoff to me and I don't wanna feel that way. And would you mind, you know, remedying this? Would you mind addressing this issue? And odds are most of the time they're gonna be like, oh, my gosh, I'm so glad you told me. Cause I didn't know. And I don't want you to feel that way towards me. Now, when it comes to that first question I ask you about, you know, is there. Is your focus on someone else or something else, Some other kind of life that. That you maybe desire but don't have? That's where it gets really tricky. Because let me tell you, when we get caught in just letting our. Our looks linger on other people or fantasizing about other people, or even just another life that. That we long for, we really lose sight of all the good that is right in front of us within our spouse and in our family. And so that's where we have to really. We need to pray about this first and foremost and. And ask God to help us to take these thoughts captive. You know, it talks about this in the Word, about how we need to take our thoughts captive. And what that tells me is first and foremost, God knows that we're gonna have stuff go through our mind that maybe isn't good. But he also has given us the power with him to take these thoughts captive and replace them with truth, with his truth and with good things that we can focus on. You know, it talks about how we need to focus on what is good and praiseworthy and the things that are of God. And, you know, as married people, when we are allowing our thoughts to focus in on someone else and really kind of leaning into that attraction, we're really out of bounds. We're not honoring our vows. I mean, we're lusting. You know, it talks about. Jesus talks about lusting. And I'm not saying this to shame you, because I think any of us can fall into this unchecked, but we do need to really be aware of our thoughts, and we need to take them captive and say, you know, lord, help me. And then really, if those thoughts of being attracted to someone else start popping in, I would just pray right then and there and say, lord, help me to love and appreciate and be attracted to the spouse that you had given me. And I'm telling you in time, your thoughts, it's like they line right up with God because you're taking it captive and you're putting it through the filter of what God wants for you in your life.

Man, that's so good. And I mean, there's so much richness in what Ashley just said, and a lot of it does come down to where you're letting your thoughts go. We live in a time and in a culture that says, worship your feelings because your feelings are your truth, and your truth trumps everything else. And really, it's an ungodly mindset that leads us away from the truth, which is God's word and what he says about things. And so your feelings, they have some purpose, but they were never meant to be kind of the north star that guides your decision making. And there are going to be some moments when you just aren't feeling in love or you're not feeling madly attractive. But like Ashley talked about, a lot of those feelings are really within your control to say, you know what? I'm going to not focus on my feelings right now. I'm going to focus on love as a commitment, and I've committed to my spouse, and so I'm going to move forward as if those feelings were there. And that's not being fake. That's just. That's being a good spouse by saying, I'm going to lead with my commitment and, and show my love through my commitment, knowing that my feelings are probably gonna catch back up eventually. But right now, for whatever reason, they might be missing in action. But if you'll do those things that Ashley talked about, watch where your mind's going. Because if you are letting your mind focus on these fantasies that aren't even real, through things like whether it's pornography or whether it's through things that seem more innocent. Like she talked about scrolling through social media and seeing other people's lives or seeing other people and their airbrushed images and thinking like, oh, wow, I bet I'd be happier if I was with that person or if I, you know, had gotten with my. My high school sweetheart instead of. And those are just toxic thoughts that can't lead anywhere. And they're going to lead you to start focusing on the negative about your spouse. And if you're only looking for the negative in your spouse, then the negative is all you're going to see. And so some of this is just continuously leading your mind and leading your perspective to say, I'm not going to focus on the negative, but I'm going to remind myself of why I fell in love with this person in the first place. And I'm going to celebrate all the good in them, and I'm going to focus on the good in them, not on the quirky habit that I don't like or, you know, whatever that thing is that I'm letting my mind fixate on. And I'm going to just focus on the good. And I want to see them in that light and, like, pray about it, Lord, help me to see my spouse as. As the way that you see them, the way you want me to see them, as my beloved, as this gift in my life. And if you'll approach them in that way, you're going to start to see them in that way. And as you start to see them in that way, you're going to start to feel those feelings once again. And then also be willing to have communication about this. And this is where it can get awkward and uncomfortable because it's a really awkward conversation to just say, you know what? I'm not attracted to you anymore. And I think, honestly, that's not what to say. We're all about honesty. We're all about the naked marriage. Is being honest and being naked in all parts of your marriage, but honesty with kindness and honesty, you know, speak the truth in love, the Bible says. And so it might be technically true to you to say, I'm not attracted to you right now, but speaking the truth in love, it's going to sound differently than saying, I'm not attracted. Because what your spouse is going to hear is, I don't love you. I don't want you. I think you're ugly. I want somebody else. They're going to hear all these things that you're not saying. But I. But that's how it's gonna feel to them. So in love, you have to say, listen, like, for whatever reason, I just kind of feel a numbness right now. And it's probably, like, in a lot of areas. But just to be completely honest, like, some of that numbness has led into the marriage, and my feelings are kind of all over the map right now. And I just want you to know, first and foremost, I'm committed to you, no matter what, I love you completely. I'm not going anywhere. But because I love you and trust you so much, I wanna be vulnerable enough to, like, invite you in and let you know that I'm just kind of struggling right now and my feelings can't really be trusted at the moment. But I want to work through this together. And those conversations might lead to a place where, you know, you, yourself or you as a couple get into counseling. It might be something where there's something chemically that needs to be addressed or hormonally in you where this doesn't really have anything to do with your spouse and their level of attraction. It has more to do with just levels being off hormones or serotonin or whatever that need to be addressed. But get to the root of the issue and then work through those solutions. And then if there are specific things that you and your spouse can do that are going to help bring you back together, then do those things. And, man, we talk about those things all the time. Like, I mean, our whole podcast and the books that we write and all that we do here at ExoMarriage, the events that we do, it's really to help you guys reconnect and stay connected as a couple. So many people that come to our exomarage events and we've got some coming up on the calendar. So go to xomarriage.com and sign up for one. They say we were kind of in a funk when we got here. Like, we were sort of out of sync and not feeling the feelings anymore, but just a couple days of committed, dedicated time to commit to our marriage, to recommit to one another. We're leaving this place feeling like couple of teenagers in love again. So it can change that quickly when you put yourself in a position to grow.

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Absolutely. I love all that, sweetie. And I do. I would love to meet you guys. We would love to meet you guys at one of our Exomarriage events. So definitely go to xomarriage.com and check that out and sign up. The tickets go fast. We'd love for you to be there. So do it. Do it sooner rather than later. We love those events so much. But, you know, talking about the attraction issue, I think sometimes we can get so lost in the physical, and I just wanna remind everybody watching and listening that you probably weren't only attracted physically to your spouse. It might've been the first thing that you were attracted to. But what kept you together before you even got engaged was that you were attracted to really, like, to them on a soul level. And so I think it's important for us to call out those things that we were first attracted to in our spouse and really reminisce on those things. And even the new things you've learned, you know, the longer you're married, the more you're gonna see. You're gonna see the good, the bad, and the ugly, but really lean and tell your spouse about it and thank them for it. You guys, I know you're probably like, oh, no, here goes Ashley again with her thankfulness speech. But I can't tell you how much saying thank you and just focusing on that and then taking it a step further, thanking God for it, and then thanking your spouse for that thing, whatever it is, that can make them in your eyes, even more attractive. And it also makes them feel more attractive. I mean, it's just this beautiful thing that God has given us. And there's such power in being thankful. And it really does shift the focus on the good rather than the critical. And so it's important just to think about those things. Think on, you know, if you're having a moment where you're like, man, I'm just so not into my spouse right now. I'm just not attracted, and I don't feel gushy feelings toward them. I would just challenge you to think about what you're thankful for when it comes to your spouse. And I guarantee you that those things are probably things that you probably do find attractive. Like, I will. I'll just give an example. I mean, honestly, one of the sexiest things that I've ever seen Dave do in my life is change our kids diapers. I mean so sexy. And I just seeing him just lead our boys and talk to our boys and him, you know, call and make reservations for our date nights. Seeing Dave. Dave is one and all his friends tease him about this because just as he's just got a kind heart, he will always stop and help that homeless person. If he has any money on him, he's going to give it to the homeless person or he'll take it a step further and he'll give him a cup of coffee. And let me just tell you, that is so attractive. That is so, so attractive. And so if you feel like you're getting lost in this trap of just focusing on the physical, like maybe their body's changed, they gained a little weight or they've lost a lot of weight or maybe they, you know, they're getting wrinkles on their face, their hair's turning gray or they're losing their hair or whatever it is.

You guys, you just described me like in all of those, all of those things that really hit close to home, like all of the wrinkles, the hair.

No, you are looking, you just are like a fine wine. Sweet. Getting better by the day. No, but you know what we need to remind ourselves is that marriage is a journey. And there is something so attractive about looking over to your spouse and knowing that you probably put some of those lifelines on their face and I hope you did put those lifelines on their face and they put em on yours and that you're growing old together. And you know, we've been married 20 years and I just like, just even talking about it, I feel like I'm gonna burst into tears because it's just so sweet. And I think that we've just gotta have a heart check about why we're getting hyper focused on this thing that we have this reel in our mind of. I don't know if I'm attracted to them anymore. And really we need to focus on what God has given us, what's right ahead of us. It doesn't mean that there isn't something that needs to change. Maybe there is. Maybe they've become really unhealthy or maybe they're doing something that's just really not very attractive. And maybe it's a behavior, it could be something that definitely needs to be addressed. So you know, I'm not saying that these things aren't worth looking into, but I just think that we need to really be careful about what we're focusing on because you know, the things that we allow to play through our mind really shape our life. And so I would just challenge you to think about what you're thankful for, how God brought the two of you together. And also, you know, remember that you've changed, too. Like, you're not exactly the same when, you know, you probably don't look the same as when you guys got married. Maybe you look better. Maybe in your mind, it's not better. And so I think that we've gotta be, you know, know that there's so much more to a marriage than the physical. And attraction isn't only about the physical. I mean, there's things that really carry so much more weight in our life and really kind of hold our hearts together. Those things aren't even usually physical. It usually has to do with much deeper things that we have going on between us that connect us.

It absolutely does. And so when we say, work to be the most attractive version of yourself or your spouse, and I do say that. Work to be the most attractive version of yourself, that. But it's not just physical. In fact, the physical part's, like, way down the list. Even though I think you should try to stay healthy and all of those things. But do the thing. Do the things that your spouse is attracted to you. The reason why I changed all those diapers is because I saw Ashley's eyes light up every time I would do it. And I'm like, I want to see that look in her eyes more often. I mean, a lot of the things that I do, it isn't just because I naturally want to do it, but it's because I so want to be the best version of myself for her. And if both spouses have that mentality, like, I want to be the best version of myself for God first and foremost, but for my spouse, because it's a privilege to be married to them. And I want to remind myself that it's a privilege every day. And I want to out of gratitude and just out of wanting to be my best for them for the sake of our marriage. I want to strive to do the things that I know they love and appreciate. And if you'll do those things, I think that you will find attraction will grow and it will deepen through the years. It won't be maybe like, just a purely physical, superficial, hormonal, driven attraction that, you know, you might have first felt when you laid eyes on each other all those years ago. But it can be something so much deeper and so much richer than that. And the beauty that you See, when you look at one another, truly can be something so much more beautiful than anything on the surface could ever, ever, ever capture. So thank you guys for sticking around to this. We're gonna enter into the time of the podcast, which is my favorite time and yours, actually, I don't know if it's yours, but I'm just assuming it maybe is because it's fun. It's question time.

That's right. Q and A.

Thank you guys for sending in questions again. You can send us questions@nakedmarriagepodcast.com those are the ones we answer here on the air. We don't get to all of them, but we do appreciate all those who write in. You can also find us on social media and we. We try to answer the questions on social media that you sent to us. Whether it's Ave and Ashley Willis on Instagram or if you just search marriage on Facebook, you can find find us pop up there. So today's question, how do I respond when my spouse is talking disrespectfully to me, particularly in front of other people? My husband will talk down about me in our small group and often yells at me disrespectfully while he's on the phone with his co workers. It's embarrassing and it's so hurtful. I've brought it up to him and told him how it makes me feel, but nothing changes. I need some serious advice. Gosh, you know, I thank you for sending this question in, and my heart breaks for yours. It's just inexcusable the way that your husband is treating you. That is so disrespectful. He might not. It might be this huge. Well, actually, there's nothing I can say to justify, like, what he's doing because it can't be a blind spot. You're pointing it out to him. So listen, if this dude is listening or if you're a guy listening and you are being harsh to your wife like that, man, stop. Stop being a jerk. You need to adore her and treasure her. You know, I've got a good friend. We've got a good friend who kind of lived this out in his marriage. And he thought, you know, his criticism was actually just to. I think in his mind, he was thinking, I'm just trying to improve. Help my wife improve and point out all those places where she's doing stuff wrong and while the house isn't clean enough or she doesn't cook good enough or whatever it was. But he was just constantly critical, and eventually she. She Just left.

Yeah, she did.

And hardly anybody was surprised, you know, when she did. And it was. It was still, divorce is horrible, and it was a heartbreaking situation. But our words are so powerful.

They are.

And I'm not telling that story to justify the divorce, nor to justify, like, his criticism. I'm just saying that when our words are harsh, it leads to bad places. It can lead to an ending of a marriage. It's that serious. And we have got to adore one another. But to answer her in particular, sweetie, what do you do when you're the recipient? Like, you're not the one that's speaking these harsh words. You're the one being disrespected.

I mean, this is one of those things where you have to make it crystal clear that it's not okay. And to the point where I would even say, when he starts doing this, I would even tell him, like, I'm just not going to stand here and take this. I wouldn't just get up and walk away right away, but I would remind him, and I would even say, like, listen, this is not okay. You cannot talk to me this way. I love you, and I just have to protect my heart in this matter. And so until you can talk to me in a respectful way about this, I'm not gonna keep on taking this kind of treatment. I mean, I think it's because this has gone on a long time. She's already told him how it makes her feel. And I think this is the next step is saying, like, when you go into these rants, even in your small group, I would just get up. I mean, I would. If he's ranting, go to the bathroom. Like, it's just not something that you can stand for. And I think he'll get the picture. I mean, if he's not gonna. If you're not going to take it, he's clearly not going to dish it out. And this is not very healthy. I mean, this is not. I don't normally encourage this kind of behavior, but I feel like when you've already said something, you know, clearly he's not getting the message. I think you've got to say, you know, I love you, but this is not okay. I'm not going to keep on taking this. You're not just going to berate me, whether we're in private or in public. And the public makes it even so much worse. And you have to. You know, odds are they may have children as well. You need to point out that he's doing this in front of your Kids showing your kids. You are showing kids. Exactly. They're gonna think this is okay. And especially they're gonna think it's okay if you just stand there and take it. And so you're gonna have to say, like, listen, for the sake of not only myself, but for our children and our family, I am putting my foot down and saying, you cannot talk to me this way anymore. I don't wanna fight with you like this. We need to work through this. And I would say this is a case where you absolutely need to go to counseling. Like, I don't see having any kind of breakthrough with this without the addition of Christian counseling in your life. Definitely find a Christian counselor, maybe through your church, through your small group. Ask around. They've clearly seen how he's treating you, and I'm sure they'll be quick to give you recommendation. But I also think you would benefit from talking to one of our marriage coaches here at Exomarriage. They're amazing. And even if your husband doesn't want to talk to one right away, you can call them yourself and really get that support. Not only the prayer support, but also perspective and some next steps you can take. And you can do that by going to xomarriage.comhelp and so I'm so sorry you're going through this. Our heart goes out to you. Please know that we're going to be praying for you specifically and that you will have the words and also that God will give you the courage because you've been bullied. You're being bullied, and it's hard to stand up to bullies. And I'm not trying to badmouth your husband, but he's clearly in the wrong here. And I know he can change. I've seen. We've seen our friend humbled through this experience, but it took a divorce for him to do that. And I know that's not what you want. So we're going to be praying that your husband's heart will be soft whenever you do stand up. And he realizes, wow, I am wrong and she's not letting me do this anymore, and I've got to change my ways. And hopefully he'll get some help in that area as well.

Great. Great question. And sweetie, great answer. And again, whatever you're facing, whatever issue, our team@xomarriage.com help, whether it's a specific issue like the one we just addressed or something completely different, they are equipped to help you navigate whatever you're facing. So check out that website, guys, thank you so much. For listening to today's episode. It's just a privilege that you guys are part of this naked marriage global family with us. You know, we're honored to be on this journey with you. Go to xomarriage.com for continued resources. Check us out on social media. We would love to connect with you there. We want to thank you for listening. Want to thank the whole team here at XO Marriage. Want to thank in particular the crew we've got in the studio with us today. And if you're watching this on YouTube, you notice that we've got a whole brand new studio set up.

Spiffy desk.

It is looking really nice. And so thank you guys to put that together. Shout out to Andrew Grekoff, world traveler and tech wizard. Shout out to our assistant producer and tallest staff member, Eric Randall, father to be. And a shout out to our senior producer, mountaineer and adventurer and south Lake Texas most eligible bachelor, Marcus Bowen. These guys make it happen. They do.

They're amazing.

We love them. And shout out to Brent Evans, president of XO Marriage, formerly the tallest staff member. Now he's second place.

Formerly, yes.

And the whole crew here. It really is a great team. And guys, thank you again for listening. One final announcement. Come to one of our live events.

Yes.

We would love to meet you. We would love to hug you if.

That is, if you're okay with it.

Yeah, if you're okay with it. Wherever we are in the. In the COVID universe. With that, we will give you a hug if you want it. And these events are amazing. We've got several coming up. Go to xomarriage.com and you can get the whole schedule.

That's right. We'll see you next time. Sa.