Lighten Up and Laugh

Hey, welcome to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast, we undress the truth about Sex, intimacy, and lifelong love. We've got a great New Year's episode for you. It's going to be a great way to start the year with some specific goals. But even if you're listening to this in the middle of July, this is a topic and an issue that definitely has relevance year round. But first, Ashley's going to share one of our newest reviews with you.

Yes. Guys, thank you so much for leaving reviews. When you leave us a five star review, it is a great way to let other people know about the podcast. So we read every single one of them and it also keeps us going. So thank you guys so much. Today we're gonna share one from Lynn's 288 and she entitled it Best Marriage Podcast by Far. So sweet. And she said, wow, so glad I found you guys. I was looking for a marriage podcast that truly shows respectful and affirming support between both spouses. Something you don't always hear on other Christian marriage podcasts. And then she. She put surprising, right? And then she said, I love hearing how supportive and loving you are toward each other. You don't talk over each other and you agree with each other openly. So refreshing. I think this makes it feel so much more genuine and comfortable. When you uncover topics that some might feel are awkward, you share truth and love. As a young wife, I am learning so much from you about how to love and support my husband. Thank you. And thank you, Lynn, so much for sharing that. And we are so excited about today's episode. But before we dive in here, here's some information about a resource this episode is brought to you by indeed. Stop waiting around for the perfect candidate. Instead, use Indeed sponsored Jobs to find the right people with the right skills fast. It's a simple way to make sure your listing is the first candidate. C. According to INDEED data, sponsored Jobs have four times more applicants than non sponsored jobs. So go build your dream team today with Indeed. Get a $75 sponsored job credit at Indeed.com podcast terms and conditions apply.

I've always believed that that laughter should be the soundtrack of a healthy marriage. And whenever we're in a season in our marriage where things seem kind of dry, one thing I look at is, are we laughing enough? Because if we're not, it's kind of like a warning light on a car that flashes up on the dashboard and saying, hey, there's something wrong under the hood. And sometimes we just get Too serious. I think marriage can get too serious. And, yes, you don't want to take your marriage lightly, but you don't want to take yourself too seriously. You've got to be able, even in the difficult seasons of life and marriage and parenting and all of it, to be able to laugh, to be able to lighten things up, to be a safe place for each other, to just release some of that tension.

It's so true. But so many times what happens. And I'm laughing because we've had this back and forth before. If one spouse is like, you know, I'm serious right now about our finances or about our kids or whatever, and the other spouse is trying to lighten things up, it can sometimes be taken the wrong way. And then the spouse who takes us like, you're mocking me, serious, right? It's like, well, you're not taking us seriously.

Respect me when I'm mad.

Like, life is not a bowl of cherries. We have to be serious about this. And so, like, I totally get both sides of this. And there's been times in our marriage where it's been intense, and, like, we end up arguing the same point, and we're literally having, like, an argument, but we're making the same point. We're agreeing and agreeing.

I'm like, you're saying the same thing. I'm saying you're just saying it differently.

And then by the end of it, though, we usually do end up laughing at ourselves. Like, how ridiculous is that? But there have been, you know, periods of time where it's, like. It's just intense, you know, especially when it comes to financial pressure and. Or if there's, like, a problem with one of our kids or several of our kids, and we're feeling like they're not, you know, at their best. It is a serious thing, and it is something that you need to take seriously or maybe, like, your spouse has done something to wrong you. You know, that's something you clearly need to work on. But what we're trying to say is, in the midst of that, don't feel like you're just having to wade through all this thick intensity all the time. Just because you're dealing with serious things doesn't mean that you have to just take laughter out of the equation of your marriage. Because the honest truth is that the more you can find moments of lightness and moments of laughter and moments, the more you're gonna heal. Because we've got to have that. Because, you know, it's just, like, kind of in the gym when you're working out, you're straining those muscles and they're gonna grow bigger. But the only way you can actually have the kind of progress that you're wanting to have is you have to have moments of rest and lightness and allow your body to heal in the same way emotionally. You know, we've gotta heal from those things too, from whatever it is going on in our life and in our marriage. And so how we do that is we have these moments of lightness. And so some of you listening are like, you know, that sounds awesome, but how do I do that?

That is the million dollar question. And it kind of creates this delicate balance. Because marriage, you need simultaneously a huge amount of maturity and a huge amount of, you know, dealing with serious things. But at the same time, you also need simultaneously a huge amount of playfulness and fun and humor and laughter. You know, I think that Jesus actually gives us the perfect example of how these two realities can, can and should coexist, not only in our marriage, but in all parts of our life. Because he calls us to childlike faith. In his own words, he says, if you don't come to me like a child. He was always. Kids were always drawn to him, and he was always blessing the kids and saying, man, you adults, you've got to teach these kids, but you also need to learn from these kids because they do certain things better than adults do. And so when you come to Jesus, when he's the center of your marriage, he's the center of your life, you're going to simultaneously become more mature and at the same time more childlike. And those two worlds are not in conflict, you know, when Jesus is involved. And so we've got to be more playful and more childlike as it comes to kind of breaking up the seriousness.

Yeah.

And that playfulness doesn't mean we make light of our issues. It doesn't mean we stop paying our bills and stop going to work and stop doing these adults or throw tantrums because we're not called to be childish. Childish is that irresponsible, immature aspect of childhood. Childlike is the best of it. It's the laughter, it's the playfulness, the wonder, the faith, the joy, the spark that we were never meant to lose. But life has a way of beating it out of us and turning us into cynics. And so we've got to reconnect with that childlike wonder and always be open to it.

It's so true. And I think one way as adults that we kind of hinder ourselves from having likeness is we over schedule. And whether it be with work or with volunteering or even getting with friends. Like, we talk a lot about couple friends being very important, and they are. And date nights are super important. But sometimes we can just over schedule ourselves and we get to the point where we're not even able to enjoy it. Cause we're like, we're just kind of ping ponging from place to place. And I think this is especially true when we have children. We think we have to get them involved in all the things. They have to be well rounded is kind of what we tell ourselves. And so we have them in a sport, we have them in some kind of academic extracurricular, we have them in some kind of artistic extracurricular. And before you know it, they're exhausted and cranky, we're exhausted and cranky. And we're just always eating on the go. We're always like, my goodness, run to the car. We're late, like all the time. And it's like this breakneck pace that leaves no room for lightness. It's just intensity all the time. And so when the two of you come home at the end of the day, after work, after kids, after everything else, you barely have it in you to be playful because you're like, I'm just tired.

Yeah, that's a real good point.

And so it's important to look. And I know we've said this before on the podcast, but I want to remind y', all, you have to monitor and adjust all the time. There's never a point in your marriage where you've arrived and just figured it all out. You can never go on autopilot because every season brings new challenges. And so you always have to look at your schedule, which is something you can control. You know, there's a lot in life we don't have control over, but that is something that God allows us to control. And so we can look at it and say, you know, what is really hindering the lightness in our marriage? And where can we create pockets of bringing more playfulness and lightness? And is there anything that we're doing that is just really detrimental to our family and not moving us forward? And if that, you know, if this is something, and maybe in and of itself, it's not a bad thing. Like, it could be a kid's activity, it could be a volunteer opportunity for you. So it's not inherently bad, but maybe it's something you need to put on the shelf for this season because it's not moving you forward. It's only making you more resentful and angry at each other.

Yeah, that's so true. So, like, kind of ironically, sometimes the best thing you can do for your marriage isn't starting something new, but it's looking at, what do we need to stop doing? What do we need to prune out of the schedule? And it's usually a good thing. You know, we're not saying, like, stop, you know, throwing things at each other. You know, we're saying, like, maybe you need to stop this activity. That's. That's a good thing. Then you're thinking, oh, we're helping my. My third grader work on his college resume by doing this extra stuff. It's like, let your third grader be a kid and have some margin in your schedule. But where there are nights open, it is okay to have nights open in your week where there is absolutely nothing going on.

We had to learn this.

But family, yes.

But we love it now.

We love it. I'm telling you.

We used to think we're very protective of that.

We used to think busyness equaled success. And that was just dumb. It is just dumb. And what it leads to is ulcers and stress and lack of sleep, and you're never enjoying anything because you're always go, go, go. And until you can really learn the rhythm of rest. And this is. I'm preaching to myself, because this has been a kind of a lifelong struggle for me and of really being able to shut down, being able to put my phone down and not look at it. Being able to just be in the moment and have the margin to enjoy the moment and to laugh and to rest and to recharge. And so we've got to do that. This is. This is how rest is how you recharge your marriage. If your marriage is like a cell phone, you know, you've got to keep that cell phone plugged in. And I'm looking to Ashley because she struggles with. I'm terrible at this, actually. Everyone. The only thing in my family that I consistently do better than, than anyone in the family, I am the best at plugging stuff in. I am the boss at plugging stuff in.

You are the boss.

And I'm the reason, you know, not to brag, but I'm the reason anything in our house is charged. Like, Ashley does pretty much everything else. She does everything else, but I keep my stuff charged. And so if your marriage is like. Like one of those devices, you've got to be intentional, because your marriage doesn't have A red light that pops on when it's really low. Your soul doesn't have a little low battery thing that pops on when it's low. And you've got to know how to kind of read the signs and say, wait a second, I've got to stop. I've got to plug this thing in, and I've got to just let it sit there for a while to get charged back up. Otherwise you're not doing anybody any good. Just going on empty all the time. It's not helping you, it's not helping the marriage, and it's squeezing the joy and the life out of your home. And so if there's not playfulness and laughter happening in your heart, in your home, in your marriage, then I think you need to reevaluate and say, how do we get that back?

Absolutely. And I think, too, you know, sometimes it really takes thinking back to those things that when you were first dating, that you would laugh about, you know, your unique sense of humor, the unique kind of combination of the two of you. Because some of you listening are like, well, my spouse isn't necessarily, like, a really funny person, but I guarantee you, even if, like, you wouldn't say they're necessarily funny, like, they don't tell jokes or whatever, that's fine. But there's things that make the two of you smile. There's things that make the two of you laugh. And I think it'd be a great exercise to just sit down after you all listen to this podcast, sit down and talk about, what are those things that when we were first dating, that we would laugh about, that would make us smile, that would make us just feel lightness? What are those things? And maybe it's not even just something like a subject matter that would make you laugh, but maybe it's doing something you would always maybe, like, you're athletic and you would play a certain sport, and you always enjoyed it. And, like, when you were first dating, you would do that all the time. And then, you know, life happened and you never do that anymore. I would bring that back, bring that back into your life and give yourself that moment of lightness. You know, maybe it's something that you all would always read together. And every time you'd read this certain thing, you know, you just send, you know, text each other and joke about it. I mean, whatever it is, maybe it's a show, like, for us. I know we've mentioned this before. We love the Office, and we've seen this show I don't know how many times. Dave through. I mean now our two older boys love it. And there's certain jokes from that show that now we not only do these jokes to each other, but with our older two boys it's like these inside jokes where we're like, remember that time when Michael Scott did this? You know, like we just joke about things like that. And so whatever it is, think about those things that bring lightness, that, that also bring you closer. Because the thing about humor and inside jokes and little things that only the two of you know, there's an intimacy to that, you know, that really can bring you closer and it seems so insignificant but when it is lacking, it's a gaping hole.

It really is.

And so it's important to really think about that and say like what is it that you know those things that would bring us closer, those little funny things that we talk about, those little things that we would do, you know, what are those things and why haven't we been doing them and how can we bring that back into our life?

Yes. And it's only funny if both viewer in on it, I think.

Very true.

When, when this, this kind of gap is forming in a marriage, one way that there's an overcompensation sometimes is when one or both spouses just become sarcastic with each other.

Yes.

And they're just kind of like making these little digs at each other that are then like haha, like that's it's funny but really it's also meant to wound, it's meant to like say I'm frustrated, I'm hurting. And now through the disguise of humor, which isn't really humor, I'm going to make you feel that pain too. So that's not the kind of laughter we're talking about. We're talking about the life giving kind of humor and just you know, really practically, you know, we're, we're this episode, you're probably listening to it. And if you're listening to it new, right. At a time when New Year's resolutions are a thing that you can be doing. But you might be listening to this in the middle of the summer whenever you're listening to this, this applies year round to make resolutions, some really practical resolutions of how can this, this month, this year, this day look different and better than it's looked in the past by starting some new things and stopping some old things and, and being very intentional about that. So sweetie, what are some ways that we can make some very specific because I think we all want this, we all want more laughter and joy and fun and life in our marriage. But what are the specific ways to get there? Because on this podcast and with everything we do, all the resources with marriage today, which is, of course, the ministry that we're part of, we want it to be so practical.

Absolutely.

We want you to walk away and say, okay, what are a couple things I can start doing right now to help me get there? Because it's not enough to just want something. It's not enough to just feel a certain way. We've got to have an action plan to help us get there. So what's the way to get started? Black Friday Savings are here at the Home Depot, which means it's time to add new cordless power to your collection. Right now, when you buy a select battery kit from one of our top brands, like Ryobi or Milwaukee, you'll get a select tool from that same brand for free. Click into one of our best deals of the season and stock up on tools for all your upcoming projects. Get Black Friday Savings happening now at the Home Depot. Limit one per transaction exclusion supply full eligible tool list in store and online.

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Visit burlington.com coats for details. I do think the first thing is look at your schedule. Because if you can't, you can't create the likeness if you're just too busy. So definitely, first and foremost, look at your schedule, prune it, find those moments where you can spend time together. And second thing, and we haven't even talked about this yet, but I would introduce music to your lives again. Like, something that really brings a lightness to us is when we hear a song, like, from back when we were dating, and, like, it'll just instantly bring us back. And it makes us laugh, too. Cause we're like, oh, 90s music. You know, like, we're like, oh, funny. And it just 90s music is awesome. I love it. But it's like, you know what I'm talking about. Oh, yeah, you 90s kids.

Like, you know, I had the 90s hair, too. Like, I had the little. The little swoops. Like, looked like Dawson's Creek or something. It did.

It caught my eye.

Yeah. Thank you.

Dawson's Creek. No, but, you know, or speaking of Dawson's Creek, go back. I think there's, you know, going back and just thinking back, like, for example, recently, just among the team, we were asked to kind of bring what, one of our old, you know, our old pictures. And so I was a scrapbooker in the late 90s, and so I brought in this book of us from when we were dating. And I hadn't looked at it in probably 10 years. And so with a couple of our team members who did not know us way back when, we're looking through it and we're laughing and we're like, oh.

My gosh, some of them probably weren't born.

Look at your hair. Yeah, a lot of them weren't born. We're like the oldies. But it's just like, you know, it's just funny to look back and to remember and, and to talk about it. And that brings a lightness because you're just having that nostalgic moment of remembering what brought the two of you together in the first place. So if you do, if you were maybe a scrapbooker like me or you have a lot of photo albums, look back at those things. Look back at your earlier Facebook posts where you were posting when you were dating. Look back at your early Instagram posts. Whatever it is, just look back and think about those sweet, funny, lighthearted moments.

Man, that's really, really good advice. And so build on the past, remember it, reminisce, continue to celebrate it, continue to look forward and dream about the future and continue to. In the present, past, present and future is what your marriage should be. In the present, look for ways every day to bring some fun, some laughter, some playful, flirtatious text messages.

Some dance like randomly. I don't know about you, but when Dave will randomly dance silly, it makes me laugh so hard every time I do the same thing every time. Like, it's just. Just be playful.

I flash a little butt crack at it.

I love your butt crack.

And it works every time. Like, it's not an attractive butt crack, but it's funny. It's good for a chuckle. And so I've, I've been milking that one for, gosh, going on two, two decades now. So, you know, you just gotta keep bringing the playfulness and the fun and surprise each other and, and just keep doing those things. So make the decision ahead of time that when you get into an intense season, going to work through with lightness and fun. I think a lot of things in marriage we can pre decide we don't get to decide what struggles are going to hit us. We don't get to decide that, hey, I'm going to get cancer someday, or we're going to have this issue with our kids someday, or we're going to deal with this or that. But you can decide ahead of time the way that you want to face it when those issues come, and so decide ahead of time, whatever comes, we're going to face it with faith. We're going to trust God that He's with us and for us because he promises that he is, and we know his word is true. And we're going to face it with unity. We're going to be together in it. We're never going to face a problem alone. We're going to have each other's back, carry each other's burdens, as it says in the Bible, and we're going to keep a sense of humor. There's nothing in this life that is going to take away our joy, our sense of humor, and we're going to hold on to that. And if we'll do those things, I'm telling you, anything that life throws your way, you will be able to overcome it.

I love how Dave always says our pain is temporary, but our joy is internal when we are in Christ. And that's something I think, especially in the midst of trials, which you will have if you haven't had them yet. You guys are newlyweds and you're like, everything's perfect. I don't wanna burst your bubble, but the truth is there's going to be some hard times in your marriage. But I'm not telling you this to bring you gloom and doom. I'm telling you this to just encourage you, like Dave said, to decide now that you're gonna get through it together. So when it comes, you're not gonna be shocked. You're gonna say, yeah, we live in an imperfect world, we deal with struggles, but we're gonna get through this together. And even in the midst of the uncertainty, you can find moments of lightness and moments of joy and moments of playfulness. All right, we're gonna move to one of my favorite parts of the podcast, which is our Q and A section. Yay. We thank you guys so much. To those of you who have given us questions, they're always so good, like, such great, well thought out questions. We really appreciate you all taking the time to do that. If you want to write us a question, you can go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com and that's where we get those questions and they're always anonymous and we do our best to answer them. So, sweetie, would you like to share today's question?

I would love to. And yeah. And just real quick, in addition to that website, you can also send us messages on social media. Those aren't the ones we answer on air, but we do try to respond to all those, whether it's avanashleywillis on Instagram or you can look up Dave and Ashley Willis or Marriage Today on Facebook, Instagram, any of those places. And we will, we will do our best to respond. So thank you for those who are following there. But today's question, my husband and I love listening to your podcast. Thank you.

Thank you, guys.

We use it as a way to enrich our marriage and spark different conversations. Our question for you is, what have you found most helpful in studying scripture together? We've tried different devotionals but haven't found a good fit and are looking for suggestions on ways to dig into scripture as a couple and have discussions. This is a great question. We do have a free 31 day couples devotional at daveandashleywillis.com, which is part of the Marriage Today website. It's totally free. You can download it just as one resource. I'm going to let Ashley dive into this in just a second. I would say though, that over the years we've done different things and most of it has been individual study that we just kind of talk about together. Like we in our marriage rarely are sitting down at the Bible together, like reading through it together. Not that, I mean, that can be great. That's a beautiful discipline to have. But for us, mostly just because our kind of, our flow is different in the day, we're, you know, we'll have our quiet time reading the Bible, you know, kind of talking to the Lord at different points of the day. And then we'll kind of reconnect and maybe talk about what we're learning or what we feel like, you know, God is saying to us. And, and that's kind of been our flow. And of course we'll, we'll do different things together specifically to kind of grow in our faith together, which is, you know, always we have the discipline of we go to church together, we try to go to conferences together, listen and watch things that, that build our faith and then talk about those things and, but it doesn't, I don't think growing in your faith together, even studying the Word together, it doesn't have to be the two of you in the Same time, same place. Opening up a book together.

Right. All the time. If you want to do that sometimes.

That's awesome.

And there are certain devotionals out there. If you go to marriagetoday.com, there's all kinds of resources there. I mean, there's more than I could even talk about just in this section, so definitely check that out. I want to say right now, I love the YouVersion Bible app because you can go and find all kinds of different Bible studies. And right now, I'm doing Christine Cain's unstoppable Bible study. And it's been so good. And it's, you know, there's verses that go along with it, and then there's stories. And I've been talking to Dave about it, and, you know, he's reading something else right now, too. And also, you don't necessarily need, like, a Bible study book. I think sometimes you can just read through a specific book of the Bible. And one that we often recommend is reading the book of Proverbs, which is considered the book of wisdom. And you can go through for a month and read the book of Proverbs. And it's really awesome. You can grow so much from that. And you can have a lot of rich conversation about that, too.

That's right. 31 chapters in Proverbs, 31 days in most months. You can read a chapter a day in a couple minutes. And it's so many nuggets to discuss.

And no matter how many times you read Proverbs, you will learn something new. It's really amazing.

Yeah. So good. So good. But whatever you're doing, make that. Make Bible study, make growing in your faith together a priority in your marriage, because that is the foundation everything else is built on. And with all these different things we talk about on the podcast, you know, they only work. They only work when we're rooted in our relationship with God.

Absolutely.

Well, guys, hey, thank you so much, as always, for listening to this podcast. Thank you for subscribing on Spotify, iTunes, YouTube, wherever you happen to be listening to this. When you leave reviews, when you subscribe, it lets other people discover what's going on here. And together, you partner with us in helping get this encouraging message out there to encourage couples all over the world. Guys, thank you so, so much.

That's right, and we will see you next time.